Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 14
Wedding Singers
Groom…..Joshua Jackson
Wedding Singer #1…..Will Ferrell
Wedding Singer #2…..Horatio Sanz
Bride…..Molly Shannon
Groom: [hitting glass to propose toast] Excuse me, everyone, can I have your attention please. First of all, I would just like to take the time to sincerely thank everyone for coming today. But, before we go any further, I would like to give a toast to my beautiful, beautiful wife Denise. [applauding by guests] Honey, its hard to believe we only met three years ago.
Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…
Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.
Groom: Guys, guys, guys
Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, way too early
Wedding Singer #2: Our bad, sorry about that
Wedding Singer #1: Sorry, man
Groom: Anyway, Denise, when I look back at the three years we’ve known each other, I realize that I am the luckiest guy in the world.
Bride: Awww, sweetie
Groom: In fact–
Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…
Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.
Wedding Singer #1: I know, too early again, sorry.
Wedding Singer #2: A little trigger happy, we’ll get it.
Wedding Singer #1: We’ll get it.
Groom: As I was saying honey–
Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…
Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.
Groom: OH, C’MON! Did you listen to anything I said? I mean really, when to come in, any of that?
Bride: Honey, did you actually pick that song, because you know that’s really not our song.
Groom: No, of course I didn’t. Guys, you were supposed to play the Louie Armstrong song.
Wedding Singer #1: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Wedding Singer #2: No way man, no way man.
Wedding Singer #1: Listen, you told us very clearly over the phone that you wanted I Just, in parentheses, Died in Your Arms Tonight, by the Cutting Crew, and I will take that to the GRAVE with me!
Groom: Honey, I didn’t pick that song. Why would I pick that song?
Wedding Singer #2: Well, it doesn’t matter what ya say, because I wrote it down on a piece of paper.
Wedding Singer #1: Yes, he did, which he is getting now. And you will be very sorry, he has it.
Wedding Singer #2: Here it is.
Wedding Singer #1: Very sorry, indeed.
Wedding Singer #2: Here we go.
Wedding Singer #1: Here we go.
Wedding Singer #2: [unfolds paper and reads:] “Peter Schenkel wedding”
Wedding Singer #1: I believe thats you, ok.
Wedding Singer #2: [continues reading:] “2:45 PM”, which is right about now, “please play Louie Armstrong song after I have completed my toast and cued you by saying, ‘Hit it guys’.”
Wedding Singer #1: We apologize, that’s not the way we like to do business. I’m sorry everyone had to see that.
Wedding Singer #2: Sorry ’bout that.
Groom: You know what, could you just play the Louie Armstrong song, and we’ll continue.
[awkward pause]Wedding Singer #2: We don’t know it.
Wedding Singer #1: We just learned the Cutting Crew song.
Groom: Oh, You’ve got to be kidding me!
Wedding Singer #1: Hey, we messed up! We don’t know the song. Yelling at us is not gonna make us know it.
Wedding Singer #2: [angry] And let me let you in on a little somethin’. I have anger control problems! So, I suggest you grow up and learn some manners!
Groom: I paid you guys an extra 600 dollars to learn that song.
Wedding Singer #1: Fine, would it help if we gave the money back?
Groom: Yes, it would!
Wedding Singer #1: Cause we don’t have it!
Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, long time ago! We spent it a long, long time ago!
Wedding Singer #1: As soon as we got your check we blew it, hard!
Wedding Singer #2: Spent it, and blew it!
Groom: SHUT UP! YA KNOW, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT ANYMORE!
Wedding Singer #1: EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT UP!
Wedding Singer #2: SHUT UP!
Groom: YOU GUYS SHUT UP!
Wedding Singer #1: YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH!
Groom: YOU’VE RUINED MY WEDDING!
Bride: Honey, just sit down, and relax, and let them play the Cutting Crew song.
Wedding Singer #2: BEST IDEA I HEARD ALL DAY!
Groom: Fine, ok, yeah, fine. That’s great. You guys go crazy.
Wedding Singer #1: [singing “I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight” by the Cutting Crew] I, I just died in your arms tonight…
Wedding Singer #2: [singing same song] …Must’ve been something you said.
[awkward pause]Wedding Singer #1: That’s it, that’s all we know.
Wedding Singer #2: Sorry, dude.
[Groom jumps over table to attack singers, as they escape.]Submitted by: Ben Brophy
