Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 14
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.
With their principle opponents dropping out following this week’s Super Tuesday primaries, Al Gore and George W. Bush have now turned their attention on each other: Starting with Gore, who proposed that he and Bush drop all television ads for the remainder of the race and instead hold twice weekly debates on separate issues. Bush responded, “Any time, any place, as long as you give me directions.”
While Bush won the key states of New York, California, and Ohio on Tuesday, Arizona Senator, John McCain, did win five of the six contests in New England. Or as McCain calls them, the states small enough for you to personally threaten each voter.
Frontrunners Al Gore and George W. Bush now have nothing standing between them and their party’s nominations. And after all, what better candidates to run this year than a couple of zeros?
In the April issue of ‘W’ magazine, Calista Flockhart says that the public unfairly judges women by their appearance, and in that way, she’s in the same boat as Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp. Of course she’s in the same boat. After those two, who else would fit?”
Colin Quinn: And now, with some insight into the Super Tuesday Primaries, “Weekend Update” political correspondent, Kevin Brennan.
Kevin Brennan: Thank you, Colin! So, it looks like we’re down to two candidates – Republican George W. Bush, and Democrat Al Gore. Let’s look at how they’re different:
Gore went to Harvard, whereas Bush went to Yale.
Bush’s father used to be President, but Gore’s father used to be a Senator.
They both served in the military during Vietnam. Gore was a roving reporter who never roved near enemy lines, and Bush served in the Texas National Guard where he did an excellent job keeping the Viet Cong out of Dallas.
They’re also both Soft-Money Whores, who pretend to be Reformers. I personally don’t see much difference. I wanted John McCain.. to punch Bush in the face. That guy’s so annoying! Bush keeps saying he’s a Uniter not a Divider – which is good if the South concedes from the North again. And, as for Al Gore – I count Al Gores when I can’t sleep at night. I’m with Gary Bauer and the rest of the fellows – the Primaries are fun, thinking maybe the underdog can win, but now reality has set in. It’s Bush and Gore. If you’re gonna vote for Bush and Gore, you might as well vote for me! I’m a white guy! I went to St. Joe’s, the Harvard of the senior colleges! I saw as much combat in Vietnam as they did! I’m a Soft-Money Whore! They call my father “The Senator” down at Fat Tony’s Bar & Grille! It’s all true! And I’ll tell you something else – if I’m elected President, I’ll make *NSYNC’s Justin Timberlake Secretary of the Adorable. [ teen audience applauds wildly ] I’m also an Applause Whore. Back to you, Colin.
Colin Quinn: Kevin Brennan, everybody!
The annual Mardi Gras celebration took place in New Orleans Tuesday night. “Mardi Gras” is a French word which means “Fat Tuesday” and is the day that marks the beginning of Lent. “Lent” is also a French word, which means “Rehab”.
Despite massive protests in the state capital this week, Florida Governor, Jeb Bush, brother of George W. Bush, stood by his commitment to ban racial and gender preferences in university admission and state contracting. Bush, of course, believes that preference should not be based on race or gender but rather on family influence and financial backing.
Broadcaster, Boomer Esiason, was fired Wednesday from ABC’s “Monday Night Football”, and a replacement has not yet been named. Network executives however, do expect Frank Gifford to beg for his old job back now that Kathie Lee will be around the house more.
Darva Conger, the bride from Fox’s “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire”, this week filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Rockwell, saying that the union was a mistake and that Rockwell never mentioned that he has a history of problems with women. And you think you know somebody.
And Bethany Tosh, an Arkansas beauty queen, surrendered her crown this week, after being convicted of drunken driving. A drunken Arkansas beauty queen down on her luck – who wants to see that?
[ flash on picture of President Clinton giving the thumbs-up ]
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!