Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 15
Jimmy Olsen … Jimmy Fallon
Lois Lane … Molly Shannon
Perry White … Chris Parnell
Clark Kent … The Rock
[Music: a variation on John Williams’ “Superman”theme. It’s about 3:20 PM in the fictional city ofMetropolis. Exterior of a newspaper building marked”Daily Planet.” Dissolve to the Daily Planet newsroomwhere middle-aged editor Perry White, beautiful girlreporter Lois Lane and young photographer Jimmy Olsencrowd around a window, waving to the departingSuperman. We hear the whooshing sound of thewell-known comic book superhero as he flies off but wedo not see him — only some whirling paper caught inhis backdraft.]
Jimmy Olsen: Bye, Superman!
Lois Lane: Bye!
Perry White: Bye!
Lois Lane: Ah, well, there goesSuperman.
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah. You know what thatmeans.
Lois Lane: Yeah.
Perry White: Uh huh. Here we go again. [checkshis wristwatch] And – five, four, three, two…
Clark Kent: [enters as if on cue] Hello,everybody.[Kent is, of course, Superman — very poorly disguisedas a bespectacled mild-mannered reporter in aconservative gray suit: the blue sleeves of hisSuperman outfit stick out from under his white shirtsleeves, part of his red cape sticks out from hiscollar, the red “S” insignia on his chest can be seenthrough his thin white shirt front, his necktie isaskew, etc.]
Lois, Jimmy and Perry: [tired sing-song, as ifthey’ve said this a thousand times] Hi, Clark!
Clark Kent: Gosh, I’m sorry I had to step outso suddenly. I just had to, uhhhh …
Perry White: [to Lois and Jimmy] This isgonna be good.
Clark Kent: I just had to go down to the, uh,mail place and, uh, uh, mail some of my mail.
Perry White: Oh, ho, of course you did!
Lois Lane: Mmmm.
Clark Kent: Say, I didn’t happen to missSuperman again, did I?
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah, yeah. You sure missed him.Imagine that.
Lois Lane: Boy, it’s a shame you keep missingSuperman, Clark. You know, maybe you’d get a chance tomeet him if we could only figure out – his secretidentity! [giggles as Perry and Jimmy try not tochortle]
Perry White: Oh, good luck on that one, Lois!You know, whoever Superman is, one thing’s for sure –the guy is undoubtedly a master of disguise![giggles]
Clark Kent: That’s right. Yes, I – I think – Ithink you’re right. We’ll probably never know whoSuperman is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, everyone — I,Clark Kent, have to get back to work.
Perry White: You do that.
Jimmy Olsen: Okie-doke.
Lois Lane: You do that. Okie-dokie!
Lois Lane: What – a – bonehead!
Perry White: You said it! This guy is reallynot pulling off this whole “Clark Kent”routine!
Lois Lane: Mmm. Well, at least, he iscalling himself “Clark Kent” now. I mean, rememberwhen he first got here, he was calling himself “SupeR. Mann”?
Jimmy Olsen: Yeah! He had – he had all hispaychecks sent to the Fortress of Solitude!
Perry White: Hey, hey, you wanna see somethingfunny? Watch this. [clears his throat, calls to Kent]Hey, Clark! How’s that story coming overthere?
Clark Kent: Oh, it’s comin’ along fine, Mr.White.
Perry White: Oh, and, uh, how long do you thinkit’s gonna be, Superman?
Clark Kent: Well, after I make a few cuts, I–Uh, er, that is– [looks around] Is Superman here?’Cuz I’m not Supe– er … Yeesh! [nervously runs afinger under his collar]
Perry White: Oh, did I say “Superman”? My bad.[chuckles] I meant “Clark,” of course. Ah, carry on,Clark![Kent goes back to typing as Lois, Jimmy and Perryconfer quietly again.]
Jimmy Olsen: God, that was weak, man. Maybehe’s serious with this thing, you know?
Lois Lane: See, that’s what I’m saying! Look atthis column that he wrote. [picks up a newspaper] Um,okay … [reads aloud] “In south Metropolis yesterday,an unidentified man was shot seven times. Sources atthe scene say the bullets did not bounce off hischest, um, er, not that they should on ordinary humanslike us.” [Perry sighs] I mean, couldn’t he have justedited that out?
Perry White: Let me see that. [takes newspaper,reads aloud] “The victim could have avoided being shotif only he were faster than a speeding bullet, likeme. Dot, dot, dot. Oh, man, you’re doing it again.Play it cool, Superman, play it cool.” [throws thepaper down in disbelief] Well, that’s just plainlazy.
Jimmy Olsen: And it’s – it’s terriblereporting. How come we – How come we’ve not fired himyet?
Lois Lane: Oh, give him a break. He’s saved theentire city hundreds of times!
Jimmy Olsen: Doesn’t mean he’s a joy to havearound the office. I mean, the guy’s really a slob.
Perry White: Yeah, apparently, fighting forTruth, Justice and the American Way doesn’t includeflushing when you’re done in the can.
Jimmy Olsen: Amen. I swear, if I gotta go inthere one more time and see one of his brown”kryptonite chunks” floatin’ around … Not cool, notcool.
Lois Lane: Hey, let’s go screw withhim.
Perry White: Right on.[Mischievously, Lois, Jimmy and Perry join Kent at hisdesk.]
Lois Lane: Say, there, uh, Clark. That waspretty amazing how, uh, Superman destroyed that meteortoday, huh?
Clark Kent: Well, I wouldn’t know, Lois. I wasnowhere nearby. [chuckles]
Jimmy Olsen: Uh, y– Hey, yeah and it’s alsoweird that that guy, uh, Superman is a full-on,out-of-the-closet homosexual.
Clark Kent: Well, that’s what they say– Oh,wha–? What? Huh? Wa – wait a minute. [chuckles]Superman isn’t gay!
Lois Lane: Oh, sure he is.
Jimmy Olsen: Real gay.
Clark Kent: No, no. Now, wait. I always heardhe was pretty manly.
Perry White: Oh, ho ho! No way! You getSuperman in a truck stop men’s room, you won’t needkryptonite to bring him to his knees.
Clark Kent: Hey, hey, hey! Come on! Really!Superman isn’t gay! Sure, he experimented alittle back in Smallville …[Lois, Jimmy and Perry try to suppress theirlaughter.]
Jimmy Olsen: [to Lois and Perry] I was justmakin’ that up, I swear!
Lois Lane: [to Jimmy] Shut up, shut up!
Clark Kent: … but that doesn’t make himgay.
Perry White: [trying to keep a straight face,clears his throat] Hey, everybody, I just heard overthe police scanner, a tobacco store downtown has”Prince Albert in a Can”!
Clark Kent: [genuinely alarmed] Someone’skidnapped the prince? [catches himself] Uh, er, er…Boy! [fakes a yawn] I’m tired. I – I – I think that Iwill, uh, I’ll go to bed now. [rises, grabs hat andcoat and heads for the exit]
Lois Lane: Okay, then, Clark. Well, we’ll tellyou what happened to the prince.
Clark Kent: [pauses in the doorway,reassuringly] Oh, I think he’ll be just fine, Lois.[puts on his ill-fitting reporter’s hat] Justfine.[Kent exits. Lois, Jimmy and Perry bust out laughing.Music: dramatic pseudo-“Superman” theme. Cut tospinning newspaper — the front page headline on theDaily Planet reads: SUPERMAN MURDERS INNOCENTTOBACCONIST. An accompanying photo shows a shruggingSuperman.]