Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 15
The Ladies Man
Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Helen Franklin…..The Rock
Leon Phelps: Yeah! What is happening? Welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the love line with all the right responses to your romantic queries. I’m Leon Phelps, how y’all doing tonight? That’s good! I’m doing pretty good, I got my Couversier right here. Now, tonight is a very special night for me, for I, Leon Phelps, am in love. Yes. I am in love. That’s right, yours truly, the most prolific wangsman of all time, has been smitten. Cupid has aimed her rifle of love in my face and scored a direct hit. So, I’m sorry, ladies, I am officially out of the game. Now, this lady that I am gonna bring out, she’s like no other woman. She even smells better than the usual skanks that I mess around with. So, please welcome the love of my life, Helen Franklin, everybody. [ Helen walks out, clearly a man dressed as a woman to all eyes except Leon’s ] Here.. she.. is.. Miss America!”
Helen Franklin: Hi, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Now, listen.. isn’t she the most unusual woman you’ve ever seen, folks? Yeah! Have a seat, baby! [ they sit ] You are so beautiful. Now, Helen is here tonight because she has something very important that she needs to tell me about herself. Is that right, Helen?
Helen Franklin: That’s right, Leon.
Leon Phelps: Yeah, now this is some kind of secret that you’ve been keeping, right?
Helen Franklin: Yeah, but I’m not sure you’re gonna want me to say it on TV.
Leon Phelps: [ laughs ] I know. Listen, I’m rushing everything, I know. Listen, why don’t we just start by telling the folks how we met.
Helen Franklin: Well, you came into where I work.. and that’s about it, I guess.
Leon Phelps: Come on! It was much more romantic than that. You see, I fell asleep on the bus, and when I woke up, I was in a part of town that I’d never seen before. It was somewhere down near the docks, I guess, because there were sailors everywhere.
Helen Franklin: Yeah, Leon, I really think you might want to talk about this in private..
Leon Phelps: Anyway, I got thirsty, and then I ducked into a bar – and, oh, what a bar this was! It was wall-to-wall, big sexy ladies! And these ladies – you’re never gonna believe this! A lot of them was dressed like big movie stars from the past. You know? There was Marilyn Monroe, and Judy Garland, Tallulah Bankhead.. it was crazy! Tell them who you were.
Helen Franklin: [ uncomfortable ] I was Ethel Merman.
Leon Phelps: Yea-ah! The young Ethel Merman! She was sexy! It was like Leon Phelps dies and went to heaven, ’cause there was sexy women everywhere! Even in the Men’s bathroom, if you can believe it!
Helen Franklin: Leon, I’m not sure of the kind of relationship you want to be in..
Leon Phelps: I already told you, there is nothing that could change my mind. I don’t care if you’re married, or if you have a venereal disease.. no, it doesn’t matter. I have had all the venereal diseases, I am not afraid of them!
Helen Franklin: No, no, no, no! It’s not that. Listen, I’m just gonna come right out, and be honest with you.. [ whispers in Leon’s ear ]
Leon Phelps: What?! You’re a undercover police officer! Is it safe for a woman like you to be a cop?
Helen Franklin: No, no, no, Leon. You’re still not getting it! [ whispers again ]
Leon Phelps: Yeah.. well, that is disgusting. Wow! But I guess it does explain a few things – like the time you kept growing a beard.
Helen Franklin: Sorry, Leon. The truth is, I have a wife and two kids.
Leon Phelps: A woman like you has a wife.. [ catches himself ] ..oh, yeah.. right, you a man – I forgot! Damn! You are good!
Helen Franklin: Well, Leon, that’s my job. I’m a Vice Cop, and I dress up like a lady to catch freaks and perverts who get their jollies soliciting drag queens.
Leon Phelps: Yeah. Well, you know, I’m a freak and a pervert, but I hardly ever get my jollies from drag queens. But, you know, if you a dude and a cop, how come you didn’t arrest me? After all, I offered to pay you to do a lot of freaky stuff.
Helen Franklin: Yes, you did. We have a list down at the precinct we go by, and, frankly, the kind of stuff you kept asking me to do, I just hadn’t even heard of! I mean, what is an Alabama Cragdangle, anyway?
Leon Phelps: [ laughing ] Yeah. Well, it’s something that I invented. It’s never really been done in practice, right now it’s just, you know, theoretical.
Helen Franklin: Look, Leon, let’s just forget about the whole thing. You’re off the hook. I tried to find something I could arrest you for, and I couldn’t. I even went back to your house, but all that happened was I fell alseep on your couch. Nothing else.
Leon Phelps: [ grins ] Yeah. Nothing else happened that night!
Helen Franklin: Wait a minute. Wait a minute! What’s that look for?
Leon Phelps: It’s nothing! [ laughs ] That’s all the time we have on “The Ladies Man” show. I hope you learned something about yourself, because I know I did! I’ll see you next time on “The Ladies Man”!
Helen Franklin: I have a wife and two kids!
Leon Phelps: Don’t worry, it’s cool![ fade to black ]