Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 15
[open on a couple sitting on a couch in a nice living room]
Smoker: Cheryl had been trying to get me to stop smoking for years.
Cheryl: Then, when we got married, I absolutely drew the line.
Smoker: I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I tried quitting before: patches, gum, cold turkey..
Cheryl: That didn’t work.
Smoker: No. Nothing worked, until I tried Nicotrel. Nicotrel controls your cravings, and breaks your habit forever. Guaranteed. How can a drug make that promise?[a tall, muscualr man in a tight, white shirt that says Nictorel and black pants walks onscreen]
Nicotrel: Because it’s not a drug; it’s me! Nicotrel. [puts his hand on Smokers shoulder] And I will make you stop smoking. [Smoker laughs nervously] I guarantee it.
Smoker: You see, Nictrol contains my cravings. [holds up a cigarette] Now, when I want a cigarette.. [ Nicotrel pulls Smoker over the sofa ] Oh, God, no!
Nicotrel: Stop smoking! [ clocks Smoker in the face ]
Smoker: [in agony] Oh, not my face! [whimpers]
Nicotrel: Now, here’s how Nicotrol works: [ punches Smoker, Smoker cries ] Nic lives with you.. [ punches Smoker ] You try to smoke.. [ punches Smoker ] ..Nic gets angry. Nic gets angry, you don’t smoke, period! [kicks Smoker in the stomach, then picks up a badly-made dummy version of Chris Parnell]
Smoker: No please, dont! [Nicotrel throws the dummy, whose shoe falls off, out the window] AHHH!!
Cheryl: Nicotrel really works! [ laughs as Nicotrel sits down next to Cheryl]
Nicotrel: Me harming you. That’s the simple one-step program. I’m Nicotrel, and I will break your smoking habit. [ puts his arm around Cheryl ]
Cheryl: Nicotrel’s been a real life saver for us.
Nicotrel: The only thing between you and breaking your habit is my willpower and discipline. [Cheryl rubs Nicks knee] And, let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of both. I’m strong and agile, and when I get angry, I tend just to go blank.
Smoker: [ climbing through window ] You get your hands off my wife, Nicotrel!
Nicotrel: [ gets up and walks across room ] You don’t talk to Nicotrel like that!
Smoker: Look, man, back off! I am not smoking! I am not smoking!
Nicotrel: Oh, yeah? [pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket] What’s that? [ tosses pack of cigarette’s into Smoker’s hands ]
Smoker: Oh, God! Please don’t do this! [ Nicotrel smashes vase over Smoker’s head ] Cheryl! Oh, God, please stop. Please stop it! [Nicotrel breaks a chair over the Smokers head] Oh, my back. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! [slumps behind the couch]
Nicotrel: He was gonna smoke those, Cheryl.
Cheryl: I know he was. [caresses Nicks face]
Nicotrel: Nicotrel is a siginificant medical breakthrough. [ kicks smoker down ] An important new weapon in the battle against smoking. [ kicks smoker down ] And the difference is me – Nic! [ kicks smoker down ] Originally from northern Michigan, I was kicked out of the Army a few years ago, and now I do this! [ punches Smoker ]
Smoker: [ weeping, gets up from behind the couch ] I-I can’t emphasize this enough. Nic here hates the idea of you smoking. [Nick shakes his head yes]. You can’t reason with him. [Nick smiles and shakes his head no] You can’t bribe him. [Nick frowns and shakes his head no] He will own you! [Nick mouths the words own you] Nicotrel is Nicotrel!
Nicotrel: So say good-bye to that cigarette habit [puts the cigarette in Smokers mouth as the Smoker whimpers in fear]: And say hello to Nicotrel. [punches Smoker in the face repeatedly]
Cheryl: [looks back to see Smoker getting beaten up] Thanks, Nicotrel!
Nicotrel: [ stops punching Smoker ] You make Nic mad! [continues punching Smoker]
Smoker: Oh, stop! Please stop![A title overlay that reads Nictorel with an Xd out box below the el in Nicotrel appears followed by the line Break the habitor die trying]
Announcer V/O: Nicotrel. Break the habitor die trying![As the sketch ends, Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show appear and The Rock breaks character.]
Mick Foley: Stop, stop, stop! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?
The Rock: What?
Triple H: You call that a beating?
Chris Parnell: Hey, guys, whats going on?
The Rock: Well, its not The Rock hitting him; its Nicotrel [points to name on his shirt]
Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know what? I got a sketch that I gotta go change for and I[Before Parnell can leave, Big Show picks Parnell up by the back and crotch while Ana Gasteyer scrambles off the set]
Big Show: [as hes rolling Chris Parnell up and down his chest] Thats how we give a beating! [throws Parnell onto the ground]
Triple H: Now were talking!
Mick Foley: Yeah!
Chris Parnell: No! Please, stop![Mick Foley runs to where Big Show is and body-slams Parnell. Triple H throws a vase at Parnell. The Rock breaks up the insanity of it all]
The Rock: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Seriously, seriously, break it up! Now thats not right![Chris Parnell gets up, tired, beaten, and gasping for breath]
Chris Parnell: It certainly is not!
The Rock: No. [a beat] Youve gotta kick harder. [kicks Chris Parnell in the stomach. Now The Rock joins the other three wrestlers in whaling on Chris Parnell] [Fade out]