SNL Transcripts: The Rock: 03/18/00: Nicotrel


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC


Smoker…..Chris Parnell
Cheryl…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicotrel…..The Rock
…..Triple H
…..Mick Foley
…..Big Show

[open on a couple sitting on a couch in a nice living room]

Smoker: Cheryl had been trying to get me to stop smoking for years.

Cheryl: Then, when we got married, I absolutely drew the line.

Smoker: I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I tried quitting before: patches, gum, cold turkey..

Cheryl: That didn’t work.

Smoker: No. Nothing worked, until I tried Nicotrel. Nicotrel controls your cravings, and breaks your habit forever. Guaranteed. How can a drug make that promise?

[a tall, muscualr man in a tight, white shirt that says “Nictorel” and black pants walks onscreen]

Nicotrel: Because it’s not a drug; it’s me! Nicotrel. [puts his hand on Smoker’s shoulder] And I will make you stop smoking. [Smoker laughs nervously] I guarantee it.

Smoker: You see, Nictrol contains my cravings. [holds up a cigarette] Now, when I want a cigarette.. [ Nicotrel pulls Smoker over the sofa ] Oh, God, no!
Nicotrel: Stop smoking! [ clocks Smoker in the face ]

Smoker: [in agony] Oh, not my face! [whimpers]

Nicotrel: Now, here’s how Nicotrol works: [ punches Smoker, Smoker cries ] Nic lives with you.. [ punches Smoker ] You try to smoke.. [ punches Smoker ] ..Nic gets angry. Nic gets angry, you don’t smoke, period! [kicks Smoker in the stomach, then picks up a badly-made dummy version of Chris Parnell]

Smoker: No please, don’t! [Nicotrel throws the dummy, whose shoe falls off, out the window] AHHH!!

Cheryl: Nicotrel really works! [ laughs as Nicotrel sits down next to Cheryl]

Nicotrel: Me harming you. That’s the simple one-step program. I’m Nicotrel, and I will break your smoking habit. [ puts his arm around Cheryl ]

Cheryl: Nicotrel’s been a real life saver for us.

Nicotrel: The only thing between you and breaking your habit is my willpower and discipline. [Cheryl rubs Nick’s knee] And, let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of both. I’m strong and agile, and when I get angry, I tend just to go blank.

Smoker: [ climbing through window ] You get your hands off my wife, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ gets up and walks across room ] You don’t talk to Nicotrel like that!

Smoker: Look, man, back off! I am not smoking! I am not smoking!

Nicotrel: Oh, yeah? [pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket] What’s that? [ tosses pack of cigarette’s into Smoker’s hands ]

Smoker: Oh, God! Please don’t do this! [ Nicotrel smashes vase over Smoker’s head ] Cheryl! Oh, God, please stop. Please stop it! [Nicotrel breaks a chair over the Smoker’s head] Oh, my back. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! [slumps behind the couch]

Nicotrel: He was gonna smoke those, Cheryl.

Cheryl: I know he was. [caresses Nick’s face]

Nicotrel: Nicotrel is a siginificant medical breakthrough. [ kicks smoker down ] An important new weapon in the battle against smoking. [ kicks smoker down ] And the difference is me – Nic! [ kicks smoker down ] Originally from northern Michigan, I was kicked out of the Army a few years ago, and now I do this! [ punches Smoker ]

Smoker: [ weeping, gets up from behind the couch ] I-I can’t emphasize this enough. Nic here hates the idea of you smoking. [Nick shakes his head yes]. You can’t reason with him. [Nick smiles and shakes his head no] You can’t bribe him. [Nick frowns and shakes his head no] He will own you! [Nick mouths the words “own you”] Nicotrel is Nicotrel!

[Cheryl gives Nick a cigarette]

Nicotrel: So say good-bye to that cigarette habit [puts the cigarette in Smoker’s mouth as the Smoker whimpers in fear]: And say hello to Nicotrel. [punches Smoker in the face repeatedly]

Cheryl: [looks back to see Smoker getting beaten up] Thanks, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ stops punching Smoker ] You make Nic mad! [continues punching Smoker]

Smoker: Oh, stop! Please stop!

[A title overlay that reads “Nictorel” with an X’d out box below the “el” in “Nicotrel” appears followed by the line “Break the habit—or die trying”]

Announcer V/O: Nicotrel. Break the habit—or die trying!

[As the sketch ends, Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show appear and The Rock breaks character.]

Mick Foley: Stop, stop, stop! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?

The Rock: What?

Triple H: You call that a beating?

Chris Parnell: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

The Rock: Well, it’s not The Rock hitting him; it’s Nicotrel [points to name on his shirt]

Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know what? I got a sketch that I gotta go change for and I…

[Before Parnell can leave, Big Show picks Parnell up by the back and crotch while Ana Gasteyer scrambles off the set]

Big Show: [as he’s rolling Chris Parnell up and down his chest] That’s…how we give…a beating! [throws Parnell onto the ground]

Triple H: Now we’re talking!

Mick Foley: Yeah!

[The wrestlers, except for The Rock, proceed to kick and throw things at Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: No! Please, stop!

[Mick Foley runs to where Big Show is and body-slams Parnell. Triple H throws a vase at Parnell. The Rock breaks up the insanity of it all]

The Rock: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Seriously, seriously, break it up! Now that’s not right!

[Chris Parnell gets up, tired, beaten, and gasping for breath]

Chris Parnell: It certainly is not!

The Rock: No. [a beat] You’ve gotta kick harder. [kicks Chris Parnell in the stomach. Now The Rock joins the other three wrestlers in whaling on Chris Parnell] [Fade out]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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