SNL Transcripts: The Rock: 03/18/00: Nicotrel

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 15

99o: The Rock / AC/DC


Smoker…..Chris Parnell
Cheryl…..Ana Gasteyer
Nicotrel…..The Rock
…..Triple H
…..Mick Foley
…..Big Show

[open on a couple sitting on a couch in a nice living room]

Smoker: Cheryl had been trying to get me to stop smoking for years.

Cheryl: Then, when we got married, I absolutely drew the line.

Smoker: I knew I couldn’t do it alone. I mean, I tried quitting before: patches, gum, cold turkey..

Cheryl: That didn’t work.

Smoker: No. Nothing worked, until I tried Nicotrel. Nicotrel controls your cravings, and breaks your habit forever. Guaranteed. How can a drug make that promise?

[a tall, muscualr man in a tight, white shirt that says “Nictorel” and black pants walks onscreen]

Nicotrel: Because it’s not a drug; it’s me! Nicotrel. [puts his hand on Smoker’s shoulder] And I will make you stop smoking. [Smoker laughs nervously] I guarantee it.

Smoker: You see, Nictrol contains my cravings. [holds up a cigarette] Now, when I want a cigarette.. [ Nicotrel pulls Smoker over the sofa ] Oh, God, no!
Nicotrel: Stop smoking! [ clocks Smoker in the face ]

Smoker: [in agony] Oh, not my face! [whimpers]

Nicotrel: Now, here’s how Nicotrol works: [ punches Smoker, Smoker cries ] Nic lives with you.. [ punches Smoker ] You try to smoke.. [ punches Smoker ] ..Nic gets angry. Nic gets angry, you don’t smoke, period! [kicks Smoker in the stomach, then picks up a badly-made dummy version of Chris Parnell]

Smoker: No please, don’t! [Nicotrel throws the dummy, whose shoe falls off, out the window] AHHH!!

Cheryl: Nicotrel really works! [ laughs as Nicotrel sits down next to Cheryl]

Nicotrel: Me harming you. That’s the simple one-step program. I’m Nicotrel, and I will break your smoking habit. [ puts his arm around Cheryl ]

Cheryl: Nicotrel’s been a real life saver for us.

Nicotrel: The only thing between you and breaking your habit is my willpower and discipline. [Cheryl rubs Nick’s knee] And, let me tell you, I’ve got plenty of both. I’m strong and agile, and when I get angry, I tend just to go blank.

Smoker: [ climbing through window ] You get your hands off my wife, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ gets up and walks across room ] You don’t talk to Nicotrel like that!

Smoker: Look, man, back off! I am not smoking! I am not smoking!

Nicotrel: Oh, yeah? [pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket] What’s that? [ tosses pack of cigarette’s into Smoker’s hands ]

Smoker: Oh, God! Please don’t do this! [ Nicotrel smashes vase over Smoker’s head ] Cheryl! Oh, God, please stop. Please stop it! [Nicotrel breaks a chair over the Smoker’s head] Oh, my back. Oh, Jesus! Oh, God! [slumps behind the couch]

Nicotrel: He was gonna smoke those, Cheryl.

Cheryl: I know he was. [caresses Nick’s face]

Nicotrel: Nicotrel is a siginificant medical breakthrough. [ kicks smoker down ] An important new weapon in the battle against smoking. [ kicks smoker down ] And the difference is me – Nic! [ kicks smoker down ] Originally from northern Michigan, I was kicked out of the Army a few years ago, and now I do this! [ punches Smoker ]

Smoker: [ weeping, gets up from behind the couch ] I-I can’t emphasize this enough. Nic here hates the idea of you smoking. [Nick shakes his head yes]. You can’t reason with him. [Nick smiles and shakes his head no] You can’t bribe him. [Nick frowns and shakes his head no] He will own you! [Nick mouths the words “own you”] Nicotrel is Nicotrel!

[Cheryl gives Nick a cigarette]

Nicotrel: So say good-bye to that cigarette habit [puts the cigarette in Smoker’s mouth as the Smoker whimpers in fear]: And say hello to Nicotrel. [punches Smoker in the face repeatedly]

Cheryl: [looks back to see Smoker getting beaten up] Thanks, Nicotrel!

Nicotrel: [ stops punching Smoker ] You make Nic mad! [continues punching Smoker]

Smoker: Oh, stop! Please stop!

[A title overlay that reads “Nictorel” with an X’d out box below the “el” in “Nicotrel” appears followed by the line “Break the habit—or die trying”]

Announcer V/O: Nicotrel. Break the habit—or die trying!

[As the sketch ends, Mick Foley, Triple H, and Big Show appear and The Rock breaks character.]

Mick Foley: Stop, stop, stop! Stop it! What the hell are you doing?

The Rock: What?

Triple H: You call that a beating?

Chris Parnell: Hey, guys, what’s going on?

The Rock: Well, it’s not The Rock hitting him; it’s Nicotrel [points to name on his shirt]

Chris Parnell: Yeah, you know what? I got a sketch that I gotta go change for and I…

[Before Parnell can leave, Big Show picks Parnell up by the back and crotch while Ana Gasteyer scrambles off the set]

Big Show: [as he’s rolling Chris Parnell up and down his chest] That’s…how we give…a beating! [throws Parnell onto the ground]

Triple H: Now we’re talking!

Mick Foley: Yeah!

[The wrestlers, except for The Rock, proceed to kick and throw things at Chris Parnell]

Chris Parnell: No! Please, stop!

[Mick Foley runs to where Big Show is and body-slams Parnell. Triple H throws a vase at Parnell. The Rock breaks up the insanity of it all]

The Rock: Guys, guys, guys, guys, guys, guys! Seriously, seriously, break it up! Now that’s not right!

[Chris Parnell gets up, tired, beaten, and gasping for breath]

Chris Parnell: It certainly is not!

The Rock: No. [a beat] You’ve gotta kick harder. [kicks Chris Parnell in the stomach. Now The Rock joins the other three wrestlers in whaling on Chris Parnell] [Fade out]

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