Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 15
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Jasper Hahn…..Horatio Sanz
Announcer: And now, from the news capitol of the world, it’s “Weekend Update with Colin Quinn.”
Colin Quinn: Hi, I’m Colin Quinn and here are tonight’s top stories.
While marching at yesterday’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade here in New York City, First Lady Hillary Clinton was greeted with boos and shouts of “Go back to Arkansas!” Mrs. Clinton was unfazed by the abuse, however, having endured over the past seven years from her husband.
Meanwhile, Chelsea Clinton joined her father on his historic ten-day trip to India, Bangladesh, and Pakistan, which brings up an interesting question: Who exactly is babysitting whom?
After attending a fundraiser for her Senate campaign thrown by a New York Pakastani group, critics of First Lady Hillary Clinton charged this week that special interest groups seek to influence the President’s policies by making donations to his wife. The President laughed off these accusations, however, defying anyone to actually name one of his policies.
Wednesday, Mick Jagger officially admitted that he is in fact the father of Brazilian model Luciana Morad’s nine-month-old son. Coincidentally, Keith Richards announced this week that he also has an illegitimate son, Abe Vigoda.
And stung by criticism and calls for boycotts of her upcoming TV talk show, radio personality Dr. Laura Schlessinger apologized this week for recent anti-gay rhetoric that included calling homosexuals ‘deviant with biological disorder.’ In response, the gay community has apologized for scathing comments made about Dr. Laura’s hair and shoes.
Texas Governor George W. Bush this week blamed President Clinton for the recent increase in gas prices and said if he were president, he’d abolish the gas tax, and if necessary, go to war with Alaska and steal their oil.
Colin Quinn: We’re entering the home stretch of Campaign 2000. Here with his take on the candidates, in the tradition of political commentators like Garry Trudeau, is renowned political cartoonsit Jasper Hahn.
Jasper Hahn: [ laughing uproariously ] Hello, Colin! Oh, it’s nice to see you again! [ holds up sign, “Campaign 2000” ] America’s getting ready for the big election, and ol’ Jasper here has a few things to say about the front runners! [ laughs ] Alright, the first nominee is Al Gore. When I draw Al Gore, I like to focus on how funny he looks when he’s giving his speeches! [ draws phallic symbol ]
Colin Quinn: Hey, hey, hey! Get out of here with that garbage!
Jasper Hahn: Well, Colin, if I can continue.. [ continues drawing ] You see, Al Gore is like a goofy ol’ monkey! [ draws monkey from phallic symbol ] Always monkeying around with his loyalty. And he’s always looking around in every direction for support!
Colin Quinn: Yeah? Why’s that?
Jasper Hahn: ‘Cause he’s got cock-eyes! Yeah, there you go! [ finishes drawing ] You silly Gore! [ laughs ]
Colin Quinn: You’re pushing it, Jasper!
Jasper Hahn: Ooh, but look out! Look out, monkey Vice-President, you got competition! Yes, you do! And it’s none other than George W. Bush! [ start drawing ] This is what I think of when I think of George W. Bush! [ drawing resembles naked woman sitting open-legged ]
Colin Quinn: That’s enough, Jasper!
Jasper Hahn: [ confused ] What? It’s a political caricature!
Colin Quinn: No, it’s not! You get off on drawing dirty pictures on television!
Jasper Hahn: [ continues drawing ] The only thing that’s dirty is the way Governor Bush is alays hopping all over the political spectrum, gobbling up all the campaign contributions like they were carrots! [ drawing now resembles a rabbit ] And he’s always sniffing around for more money with his wet, busy nose, there ya go! [ circles nose on “private” area ] Oh, yeah! He’s Bushy W. Rabbit!
Colin Quinn: Okay, you’re out of here!
Jasper Hahn: Don’t you want to see my last caricature?
Colin Quinn: No!
Jasper Hahn: [ to audience ] Do you? [ audience applauds ] Oh, yeah! Wow! Well, Colin, the truth is, no matter who you vote for, you always end up weith more of the same.. [ draws naked woman bending over ]
Colin Quinn: So.. you gonna change that into some kind of animal, or something?
Jasper Hahn: Nope.
Colin Quinn: [ groans ] Jasper Hahn, everybody.
In international news, a Hong Kong based newsmagazine reported this week that suspected terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden is dying of kidney failure. The reclusive Bin Laden is reportedly hiding in the mountains of Afghanistan and is on a dialysis machine being pedaled by two of his followers.
And in Pakistan this week, a judge sentenced a convicted murderer to be strangled, cut into 100 pieces and then thrown into a vat of acid for his crimes. And that was a plea bargain.
Passengers on a commercial airlines flight Thursday averted disaster when they tackled a man who attacked a pilot in the cockpit and attempted to grab the controls. Fortunately, order was restored and the aircraft was allowed to crash on its own.
In Texas Wednesday, four-year-old Jayton Tidwell had his right arm re-attached after it was bitten off by his uncle’s pet tiger. Doctors at Houston Children’s Hospital said the boy should be able to lead “a very normal life”. Like hanging out with an uncle who owns a pet tiger.
Tuesday, “TV Guide” announced that it would cancel its Spanish-language edition, which was launched just last October. Evidently the magazine’s sales numbers began to drop after the 20th consecutive cover story on Jimmy Smits.
And Adam Farrar, Leonardo DiCaprio’s stepbrother, was arrested by Los Angeles police Wednesday on charges of attempting to murder his girlfriend, prompting OJ Simpson to remark, “Not so easy, is it?”
Colin Quinn: I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Good night, and thank you!