SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 04/08/00: Father & Son Bush



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 16



99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

Father & Son Bush

George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Former President George Bush…..Dana Carvey

[ SUPER: Capitol Building, Austin Texas ]

[ cut to interior Capitol Building, Gov. George W. Bush sipping a brew ]

George W. Bush: Man, this is cool. I’m gonna be President – that’s wicked!

Former President George Bush: [ walking in ] Watch that languagethere, Son.. That’s right, gotta watch that language..

George W. Bush: Sorry, Dad.

Former President George Bush: I know you young people want to behip! You know, you want to be like the Backstreet Boys, or Christina Agulia-lara. You know, I understand.. but you gotta get ready to debate Al Gore! Folks say you’re neck-in-neck.

George W. Bush: What a joke. He’s a wimp!

Former President George Bush: People once said that about me, George W.

George W. Bush: What?! That’s insane!

Former President George Bush: Exactly. Don’t underestimate Gore – he’s crafty! Goes this way, then that way! Look what he did to Bradley in the debates – took him out to the political woodshed, and then beat him within an inch of that big ol’ double chin!

George W. Bush: Don’t worry, Dad. I’m a reformer with results! I’m a compassionate conservative! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider! I’m a uniter, not a divider..!

Former President George Bush: [ slaps his Son across the cheek ]Snap out of it!

George W. Bush: But I’m a uniter, not a divider! [ jumps back before he gets another slap ]

Former President George Bush: Don’t make me do that. Look, no one knows what the hell that means. And I wrote it and I don’t even know what the hell that means. “I’m a uniter, not a divider.” Now, let’s review our strategy. Now, to get the nomination, you successfully cozied up to the Religious Right..

George W. Bush: Right.

Former President George Bush: Cozy up right over there – I saw you! Went down to Bob Jones University down there – “Hi, Mr. Bob Jones! Love your school – very festive!” Now, you’re the nominee, time to do that dance to the middle – that middler dance over there.. where King Centrus rules, ’cause that’s where politicians get elected, that vast middle area!

George W. Bush: [ confused ] Didn’t I beat McCain by cozying up to the right?

Former President George Bush: Listen, son.. McCain wasn’t afraidto give people his honest opinions, straightforward. What a nut!

George W. Bush: Yeah, that guy was crazy! [ they laugh ] He’s a loon! [ they continue laughing ] He’s a nutbag, is what he is! [ laughs, but gets slapped in the face again ]

Former President George Bush: Now, don’t get cocky! You’re jumpy and you’re cocky. Calm down! We gotta learn from that. You gotta learn be evasive. When they ask you a question, you gotta be slipsliding away.

George W. Bush: Okay..

Former President George Bush: Slip-sliding away! [ slip-slides ]

George W. Bush: I can do that. I can be evasive!

Former President George Bush: Alright, let me see you. Let me test you. I’m gonna test you.

George W. Bush: Ask me a question..

Former President George Bush: Okay. How do you feel, there, about gun control?

George W. Bush: Well.. uh.. uh..

Former President George Bush: Slip, slip, slip, slip-sliding..

George W. Bush: Uh.. I’m not sure about gun control..

Former President George Bush: That’s good. Good!

George W. Bush: ..but there’s nothing better than tying on a 3-beer buzz and firinmg off a sawed-off 12-gauge into a beat-up old tractor!

Former President George Bush: [ shakes his head and waves his arms ] Bad! That’s bad! That’s bad! You’re making me nervous! Lord have mercy, that is terrible! Look, I’ll show you how it’s done.. now, listen, you ask me a question, you just ask me any question on the issues!

George W. Bush: [ straining ] I can’t think of one!

Former President George Bush: Come on now, I know you can do it. Anything about today’s issues.

George W. Bush: No, you’re making my head hurt. Can I just go get a Pop Tart?

Former President George Bush: No! We’re gonna work on this. Now, come on, stay with me on this. Stay frosty. Stay cool.

George W. Bush: Here’s the crap they’re always asking me. Should we use the budget surplus to pay off the National Debt?

Former President George Bush: Maybe.

George W. Bush: Is Microsoft a monopoly?

Former President George Bush: Possibly. Could be! Kind of!

George W. Bush: How about the environment?

Former President George Bush: Good.

George W. Bush: Good?

Former President George Bush: Just good.

George W. Bush: What about Social Security?

Former President George Bush: Should be very social.. andvery secure. Slip-sliding. Slip-sliding, that’s what I’m doing.

George W. Bush: Dad, you are awesome!

Former President George Bush: That’s right. Now, you try, Governor Bush. Should we send the Gonzalez boy back to Cuba?

George W. Bush: [ quick ] I don’t give a rat’s ass!

Former President George Bush:[ waving his arms ] No! No, no, no! You can’t say that! You should have said, “The little brown one – should he go or stay? Don’t know. Can’t say. Wouldn’t be prudent!

George W. Bush: [ depressed ] You’re the best. You know, Al Gore’s gonna win. I’m not gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: What do you mean you’re notgonna do it?

George W. Bush: I’m not gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: You are too gonna do it!

George W. Bush: Nah gonna do it!

Former President George Bush: You are gonna do it! Neverunderestimate a Bush. We’re sneaky, remember? Remember when you were a kid, and you ran over the neighbor’s cat? You and I snuck out that night, we put it under his back wheel so he thought he did it? [ they share the laugh ] We’re sneaky!

George W. Bush: Sneaky.

Former President George Bush: And we slip-slide away.

George W. Bush: I’m scared, Dad. What if I don’t know how to dance to the middle?

Former President George Bush: Well, you’re doing a fine job so far. I don’t want you to worry about it. Come on, don’t stress out. You’re still my boy – have a seat on Dad’s lap.. [ sits down ] ..come on over here, boy! [ George W. sits on his Dad’s lap ] There you go. You’re still my son, and I love you, and nothing’s gonna change that. I know you’re not a bright man.

George W. Bush: No.

Former President George Bush: Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. But it doesn’t matter, ’cause you’ve got to suck it up! Once you get to the White House, it’s gonna be easy riding. My friends will tell you what to do, don’t you worry.

George W. Bush: You promise?

Former President George Bush: I promise you, Son. Now, you have to promise me something. That you’re gonna work as hard as you can to be a shiny monument to vagueness. To have no definitive opinion about anything ever. Think you can do that for me?

George W. Bush: [ pause ] Maybe!

Former President George Bush: [ laughs ] I love you, Son! Restyoure head here for a minute. Let me tell you a secret – “Live, fromNew York, it’s Saturday Night!

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