Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 16
The Continental…..Christopher Walken
Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.
[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell, as he jerks the door open ]
The Continental: Ah! [ laughing ] My wonderful one. I see you received my message. You have come to retrieve your mail. Huh? How it comes in my possession is mystery to me.. but this was yesterday. Please.. come in. [ camera enters through door ] You look so lovely. It is as though Michaelangelo sculpted you by hand.. then kept you for himself.. in a closet.. to visit on lonely nights. Would you care for a glass of champagna? [ camera shakes no ] I knew you would. I knew you enjoy champagna. How do I know this? Because I love women. I can read their mail.. I mean, mind! [ pours champagna and hands glass over ] May I read yours? I venture to say, please, you are the kind of woman who has a poster of puppies with humongous eyes hanging on your bathroom wall. Yes? Am I right? [ camera shakes no ] I have similar tattoo. Let me show you. It is tattoo of two dogs doing it. [ camera shakes no furiously before he can peel off his smoking jacket ] Okay. Please. Be seated. I continue to read your mind.
[ sits ]
I imagine a woman of such beauty as yours lives right here in this neighborhood. Yes? In fact, I bet you could see your own apartment from this very window here. [ camera glances towards window, spotting an oversized telescope against the wall ] And, may I say, you have exquisite taste in underwear! [ camera turns for the door ] Ah! Wait! Wait! Oop! Oop! [ blocks the door from his visitor ] You.. you are skittish.. like Siberian palamino.. on the frozen steps. I love that! You have what it takes to be model. Have you been on the television.. or some sort of moving picture? [ camera shakes no ] This I cannot believe. At least, tell me, you have graced the pages of some publication. [ camera shakes no ] No? Inconceivable. I have a stack of magazines.. under my bed.. you would be perfect for. Sit. Please. [ stares at her as she sits ] Wow! Wowwie-wow-wow! Boing! I never seen them from this angle. Nice! May I take photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Simple photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Be so kind, please? Huh? [ snaps picture ] Wonderful! Now.. take your top off. [ camera shakes no ] Only kidding. [ laughs ] Totally! That is.. unless you would like to? [ camera stands ] Ah! Okay. It’s a joke! Joke from old. [ puts down camera ]
Let me freshen your champagna, huh? [takes glass ] Caviar? [ shakes head no ] Did you see my painting? [ camera looks at painting on wall ] I got it from Target. [ camera turns back to see the Continental slipping a Mickey into her drink ] Oh! Wait! [ blocks her path to the door ] I never would slip you Mickey! It is merely rhinoceros horn. This makes the champagna bubble. Please.. taste this. [ holds up her glass, but she denies it ] No? Very good. [ pours champagna onto her ] Whoops! What happened? What have I done? I have spilled some wine. All over your boob. How wonderful! They look like two ripe melons.. drenched in morning dew. Wait. Let me gently wipe them.. [ takes out handkerchief, she fends him off ] You must get out of this clothing. You cannot leave like this.. you’ll catch chest cold. What kind of a cold would that be? I joke! Please.. you must dry up. I insist. Let me show you powder room, please. This way. [ points her to the half-bath ] A creature wonderful as you should not be in wet garments that cling to you so wettly. [ kisses her glove ] Wow! Here we are. [ opens door ] I leave you in peace.
[ camera enters half-bath, glances at sink, then at obscene art hanging on the wall; back to mirror, where the Continental suddenly appears on the other side as he lights a cigarette ]
The Continental: Wait! [ camera runs out of half-bath and to the door, but the Continental quickly blocks her again ] Wait! Wait, wait, wait.. Let me explain. I must vindicate myself somehow.. [ glove reaches out to choke him ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! [ camera mace him, he screams ] Only kidding! I have been sprayed so many times, I have developed immunity to Mace. Such is life. Champagna? Caviar? [ glove punches him in nose, knocking him to ground, camera runs through door ] Wait! [ camera glances at him sprawled on floor ] Don’t forget your mail. [ glove grabs bundle of mail from shelf ] Out!
Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.