SNL Transcripts: Christopher Walken: 04/08/00: The Continental


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 16

99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera

The Continental

The Continental…..Christopher Walken

Announcer: The sun is set. The stars shine in the sky. The night air is tinged with anticipation. And it is time to meet the Continental.

[ a glove reaches for the Continental’s doorbell, as he jerks the door open ]

The Continental: Ah! [ laughing ] My wonderful one. I see you received my message. You have come to retrieve your mail. Huh? How it comes in my possession is mystery to me.. but this was yesterday. Please.. come in. [ camera enters through door ] You look so lovely. It is as though Michaelangelo sculpted you by hand.. then kept you for himself.. in a closet.. to visit on lonely nights. Would you care for a glass of champagna? [ camera shakes no ] I knew you would. I knew you enjoy champagna. How do I know this? Because I love women. I can read their mail.. I mean, mind! [ pours champagna and hands glass over ] May I read yours? I venture to say, please, you are the kind of woman who has a poster of puppies with humongous eyes hanging on your bathroom wall. Yes? Am I right? [ camera shakes no ] I have similar tattoo. Let me show you. It is tattoo of two dogs doing it. [ camera shakes no furiously before he can peel off his smoking jacket ] Okay. Please. Be seated. I continue to read your mind.

[ sits ]

I imagine a woman of such beauty as yours lives right here in this neighborhood. Yes? In fact, I bet you could see your own apartment from this very window here. [ camera glances towards window, spotting an oversized telescope against the wall ] And, may I say, you have exquisite taste in underwear! [ camera turns for the door ] Ah! Wait! Wait! Oop! Oop! [ blocks the door from his visitor ] You.. you are skittish.. like Siberian palamino.. on the frozen steps. I love that! You have what it takes to be model. Have you been on the television.. or some sort of moving picture? [ camera shakes no ] This I cannot believe. At least, tell me, you have graced the pages of some publication. [ camera shakes no ] No? Inconceivable. I have a stack of magazines.. under my bed.. you would be perfect for. Sit. Please. [ stares at her as she sits ] Wow! Wowwie-wow-wow! Boing! I never seen them from this angle. Nice! May I take photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Simple photograph? [ camera shakes no ] Be so kind, please? Huh? [ snaps picture ] Wonderful! Now.. take your top off. [ camera shakes no ] Only kidding. [ laughs ] Totally! That is.. unless you would like to? [ camera stands ] Ah! Okay. It’s a joke! Joke from old. [ puts down camera ]

Let me freshen your champagna, huh? [takes glass ] Caviar? [ shakes head no ] Did you see my painting? [ camera looks at painting on wall ] I got it from Target. [ camera turns back to see the Continental slipping a Mickey into her drink ] Oh! Wait! [ blocks her path to the door ] I never would slip you Mickey! It is merely rhinoceros horn. This makes the champagna bubble. Please.. taste this. [ holds up her glass, but she denies it ] No? Very good. [ pours champagna onto her ] Whoops! What happened? What have I done? I have spilled some wine. All over your boob. How wonderful! They look like two ripe melons.. drenched in morning dew. Wait. Let me gently wipe them.. [ takes out handkerchief, she fends him off ] You must get out of this clothing. You cannot leave like this.. you’ll catch chest cold. What kind of a cold would that be? I joke! Please.. you must dry up. I insist. Let me show you powder room, please. This way. [ points her to the half-bath ] A creature wonderful as you should not be in wet garments that cling to you so wettly. [ kisses her glove ] Wow! Here we are. [ opens door ] I leave you in peace.

[ camera enters half-bath, glances at sink, then at obscene art hanging on the wall; back to mirror, where the Continental suddenly appears on the other side as he lights a cigarette ]

The Continental: Wait! [ camera runs out of half-bath and to the door, but the Continental quickly blocks her again ] Wait! Wait, wait, wait.. Let me explain. I must vindicate myself somehow.. [ glove reaches out to choke him ] Wow! Wowee-wow-wow! [ camera mace him, he screams ] Only kidding! I have been sprayed so many times, I have developed immunity to Mace. Such is life. Champagna? Caviar? [ glove punches him in nose, knocking him to ground, camera runs through door ] Wait! [ camera glances at him sprawled on floor ] Don’t forget your mail. [ glove grabs bundle of mail from shelf ] Out!

Announcer: Join us again next week, for another chapter in the life of.. The Continental.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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