Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 16
Richie Cunningham…..Will Ferrell
[ FADE IN: ]
[ VARIOUS WORDS & TITLES CROSS THE SCREEN ]
Announcer: From the mind of Milos Forman, the acclaimed director of The People vs. Larry Flynt and Man on the Moon, comes another gripping true-life story of human redemption.
[ The FONZ gazes into a dirty vanity mirror. ]
Fonzie: You can win! You work in a garage, sure but youre more than that.
[ FREEZE FRAME ]
Announcer: The story of one, small-time hood, who went on to become one of the most famous men in the world.
Fonzie: Everybody looks up to you. You come from nothing, now, you own this town. Get out there and show them who you are!
[ The Fonz goes to put his leather jacket. ]
Announcer: Christopher Walken is Fonzie!
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[RICHIE CUNNINGHAM gives POTSI an icy glare. ]
Announcer: with David Caruso as Richie Cunningham
Richie Cunningham: You listen to me Im tired of your mouth, BUCKO!
Announcer: Al Pacino as Potsi
Potsi: Dont you get, Rich — God gave me something SPECIAL! I can SING!
Announcer: A motion picture which lays bare the picture of the human soul.
Fonzie: Both of yousz sit on it!
[ A FIST SWOOSHS ACROSS AND POUNDS THE JUKEBOX ]
Announcer: Fonzie a stock portrait of a man unwilling to face his own fallibility.
Fonzie: Look, I admit it – I made a mistake! I was wrrrooooogh!
[ A SWITCHBLADE COMB FLIES OPEN ]
Announcer: Fonzie the stirring story of a garage mechanic who once jumped a tiger shark on water skis.
[ Fonzie shadows over CHACHI as she ties a rubber tourniquet and holds a syringe in her other hand. ]
Announcer: with a special uncredited performance by Hilary Swank as Chachi.
[ Jimmy starts chuckling. ]
Chachi: Dont you get, Fonz? This stuff makes me feel good, ya know? Like nothing ever did before – not you, not Al, not Jenny Piccolo, not the Malachi Bros. nobody! You want to take that away from me!!
[ Fonzie looks directly into the CAMERA ]
[ SUPER: THE NEW YORK TIMES LOGO ]
[ INSERT AUTHORS NAME & QUOTE ]
Announcer: Stephen Holden of The New York Times calls Fonzie a cinematic experience so moving youll be sitting on it for weeks afterward
INT. ARNOLDS DRIVE-IN
[ Fonzie looms over the jukebox. ]
Announcer: Fonzie – a dark look into the torment of the coolest man in Milwaukee
[ Walken asks for a stage direction then starts crying. ]
Fonzie: WHAT AM I!? WHAT HAVE I BECOME!? I call a mens room my office! I own three articles of clothing!
[ Fonzie pulls out his switchblade comb. ]
Fonzie: I use a switchblade comb for a knife for Christs Sake! And Im not kidding!
Announcer: The pain of being a hero
[ CAMERA ZOOMS IN ON FONZIE ]
Fonzie: I spent my whole life masking other people happy, but what about me!?!?!? Where are my Happy Days!? WHERE ARE MY HAPPY DAYS!?
[ UNFOCUSED IMAGE ]
[ BLACK SCREEN ]
[ SUPER: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul ]
Announcer: Fonzie The heartache of one human soul Aaaaeeeyyy!
[ end ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs