Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 16
Jenny Jones…..Rachel Dratch
Audience Member…..Christopher Walken
T’ai Shay…..Chris Kattan
Jenny Jones: Okay! Okay! Today’s guests are confronting the people who teased them in school! This is their chance to say, “You called me a freak, now I’m super chic!” First up, we have Shawna and Kenneth! Kenneth, Shawna says in school you called her names like Beanpole and Skelator. Now, why did you tease Shawna?
Kenneth: [ bouncing on the stage ] Aw, she was all skin and bones, you know? braces all the time, she used to look like Olive Oyl on crack!
Jenny Jones: Is this how you remember Shawna?
[ show horrible picture of Shawna ]
Kenneth: Yeah! Yeah, that’s her on a good day.
Jenny Jones: Well, take a look at Shawna now! Shawna! Come on out!
[ Shawna steps through her picture and shows off for Kenneth ]
Shawna: You know you want it! you know you want it! Come on! You know you want it, come on, baby!
Jenny Jones: Shawna, you look great! You look great!
Shawna: Thanks. [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it! You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Now, what have you been doing since high school?
Shawna: I’m a professional masseuse, specializing in shiatsu and full-release. And last year I was crowned Miss Nude Michigan! [ shaking it in front of Kenneth ] You know you want it!
Jenny Jones: Good for you! Good for you! Shawna? Shawna? What do you want to say to Kenneth? What do you want to say to Kenneth?
Shawna: [ to Kenneth ] You used to throw dog treats, and now you know you couldn’t get no one as good as me! You know it’s true!
Shawna: You know you want it!
Kenneth: You look like you sewed someone’s ass to your chest! [ to audience ] Am I right? [ audience boos ] Shut up! You shut up! You don’t know me! You shut up! You don’t know me!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment ]
Audience Member: Yeah.. I just want to say to the guy in the shirt..
Jenny Jones: Kenneth?
Audience Member: Yeah. You’re not all that. Checkity-check yourself, before you wreck yourself. And that’s the truth. And, to the beautiful lady..
Jenny Jones: Shawna?
Audience Member: Yeah. You look good. You’re not hurtin’ anybody. Let your freak flag fly!
Jenny Jones: Okay.
Audience Member: Hey. Hey, dream your dream, baby girl.
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have Ricky and Paulette..
Audience Member: Yeah.. be a hero in the double zero.
Jenny Jones: Okay, great. Paulette? It says here you used to torment Ricky about his weight, you used to oink like a pig whenever he walked by – now, that’s really mean!
Paulette: Okay, no, wait. No, wait. You gotta understand my side of the story, okay? He was fat! The boy was fat! He looked like a Pillsbury Doughboy on steroids! Ha!
Jenny Jones: Well. Let’s take a look at Ricky in high school. [ show horrible picture of Ricky ] And here’s the new Ricky! [ Ricky steps through her picture and shows off for Paulette ] Ricky! Look at you! What happened?
Ricky: Well.. I went on a diet, of my own invention. For a year, I ate nothing but candy necklaces and Pidialyte. Um.. I got skurvy.. [ laughs ] ..but I also lost 280 pounds. Uh.. I’m now an amateur erotic entertainer. [ stands up and gyrates ] You can catch me Monday afternoons at Bulges, in Northwest Mulline.
Paulette: [ waving her hands ] Sit down.. sit down..
Jenny Jones: No, no, come on! He looks pretty good. Would you go out with him now?
Paulette: [ aghast ] Please! Okay! I need a man, alright? With a real job! I got 19 kids! Check me out – I’m on welfare! Okay! I’m on welfare, okay!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment again ]
Audience Member: You know.. I just want to say, that to the leather man..
Jenny Jones: Ricky?
Audience Member: Yeah. Don’t let anybody stand in the way of your dreams. That’s the truth. For real. And to the female on welfare..
Jenny Jones: Paulette?
Audience Member: I pay my bills. I take care of my kids. You need to get rid of that weed.
Paulette: Sit down! Sit down!
Jenny Jones: Okay, next we have..
Audience Member: Grey Stockton takes care of his biz-ness!
Jenny Jones: Okay, thank you! Next, we have Devon and T’ai Shay. Devon, you say in high school T’ai Shay looked like Screech on rat poison! Well, what do you mean?
Devon: This kid was a geek, Jenny, now. One time, we buried him up to his neck, man, and beat him in the head with golf clubs, man! It was hilarious! [ laughs ]
Jenny Jones: Well.. here’s T’ai Shay in middle school.. [ show horrible picture of T’ai Shay ] ..and here his is now. T’Shay!
[ T’ai Shay, now a woman, steps through his/her picture and shows off for Devon ]
T’ai Shay: It’s all good! It’s all good! How you like me now?
Devon: Oh, scrap! Oh, scrap! T’ai Shay?!
T’ai Shay: It is me, Poppy!
Devon: Who, whoa.. You was a scrawny, scrappy, skank-ass little dude! But you’ve grown into a very elegant, beautiful woman.. and I very sincerely apologize, and would like to take you to Chili’s for some soup and half a sandwich.
T’ai Shay: [ sits on Devon’s knee ] Yeah! Okay! I would love it! [ Devon starts to make out with him/her ]
Jenny Jones: [ elated ] See! See! Good things do happen!
[ Audience Member stands up to comment once more ]
Audience Member: Yeah. Yeah. I just want to say, to the black dude and the trannie..
Jenny Jones: Oh, boy! Devon and T’ai Shay!
Audience Member: These freaks are all player-haters. But you are player-participaters. I feel you! You know what I’m saying.
Jenny Jones: Okay! Let’s just have a crappy local band play us into commercial, please..
Audience Member: Peace out!
[ cue title, fade out ]