Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 16
99p: Christopher Walken / Christina Aguilera
Miss Greenwood Hills Beauty Pageant
Announcer…..Darrell Hammond
Brett Lighthorse…..Christopher Walken
Miss I-90 Interchange…..Ana Gasteyer
Miss Clarksdale Mall…..Cheri Oteri
Sally OMalley…..Molly Shannon
FADE IN:
EXT. GREENWOOD HILLS CIVIC AUDITORIUM EVENING
CLOSE ON SIGN THAT READS: MISS GREENWOOD HILLS BEAUTY PAGEANT TONIGHT 8PM
INT. AUDITORIUM STAGE
MISS CLARKSDALE MALL and MISS I-90 INTERCHANGE, along with three other CONTESTANTS, are in evening gowns and sashes; make a choreographed entrance to the music.
PAGEANT MUSIC
Announcer (V/O): Ladies and gentleman, were down to our final round. One of these lovely ladies will be the next Miss Greenwood Hills!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Announcer (V/O): Now, once again, your host for the evening, Brett Lighthorse.
SFX: APPLAUSE
BRETT LIGHTHORSE enters in a poor mans Bert Parks tuxedo.
MUSIC: CHEESY OLD-TIMEY BALLAD
Brett Lighthorse: [singing]
Shes out there somewhere
So pretty and new
Shes some kind of lovely
Hey maybe shes you
Miss Greenwood Hills
Where are you?
Miss Greenwood Hills
Im waiting for you!
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Ladies, I didnt think it was possible but you look even more gorgeous than you did ten minutes ago.
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: What I wouldnt give to be 25 years-old again. But then again who needs to be young when youre the Brett Lighthorse? Am I right?
[ The girls giggle. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Okay, lets say hello to Miss Clarksdale Mall, Mimi Wallace.
SFX: APPLAUSE
Brett Lighthorse: Mimi, whats the first thing you would do if you became Miss Greenwood Hills?
[ Miss Clarksdale Mall steps forward and grabs the mic. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Well, Brett, the first stop for me would be the burn unit at the Childrens Hospital. I would just love to see their little red faces light up when they see me.
Brett Lighthorse: Youre going to make quite a mother someday. Good luck tonight. How about you, Miss I-90 Interchange, what would you do?
Miss I-90 Interchange: The first thing I would do is pick up a new Chevy Prism were supposed to win, trade it in for cash, and then buy a ticket to Tampa and get my baby back from that miserable drummer.
Brett Lighthorse: Lofty goals from a lofty, lofty young lady.
Sally O’Malley (O/S): Excuse me.
SALLY OMALLEY enters carrying a purse.
Sally O’Malley: I heard there was a beauty pageant around here.
Brett Lighthorse: Can I help you?
Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentleman, my name is Sally OMalley and Im proud to say Im 50 years old. Im not one of those gals whos afraid to tell her real age like some other gals. And, I like to kick, stretch, and kick — Im fifty! 50 years-old, ladies and gentleman.
Brett Lighthorse: Judges? What do you think? Alright, well, this is by far the latest entry in this pageants history, but you got moxie. Why dont you walk yourself right over there?
[ Sally gets in line. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Now, lets move on to our classy gown competition.
Sally O’Malley: Mr. Lighthorse, I might not have a gown to go to town, but dont frown, Buster Brown, cause I like to scoot, scoot, scoot. And toot, toot, toot! If I had my steamboat with me Id say All Aboard!
Brett Lighthorse: Fair enough. Step back, sweetheart. Girls, lets see a little Pose, pose, twirl.
PAGEANT MUSIC
[ Miss Clarksdale, I-90, and Sally walk the runway. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: Pose pose twirl.
Miss I-90 Interchange: Pose pose twirl.
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
Brett Lighthorse: Very nice, ladies
[ Brett turns to Sally. ]
Brett Lighthorse: And also very disturbing. Get back in line.
[ Brett turns to the audience. ]
Brett Lighthorse: Alright, I can see our panel of judges has cast their final votes and I believe we have a decision? Tough as it may be.
[ A stagehand hands Brett an envelope. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: The first runner-up Miss Clarksdale Mall, Stacy Albright!
SFX: APPLAUSE
[ Clarksdale reacts and gets hugs. ]
Miss Clarksdale Mall: I cant believe I won!
Brett Lighthorse: You didnt.
[ She steps back disappointed. ]
SFX: DRUM ROLL
Brett Lighthorse: And the winner Miss Greenwood Hills 2000 is
Sally O’Malley: Hold on, Mr. Lighthorse, the winners right in front of you.
Brett Lighthorse: What makes you a winner?
Sally O’Malley: Well, Mr. Lighthorse, Ive got
MUSIC: PERSONALITY by LLOYD PRICE
Sally O’Malley: [singing]
Kick
Personality
Stretch
Personality
Shimmy
Personality
Strut
Personality
Dip
Personality
Twirl
Personality!
Brett Lighthorse: [singing]
And plus shes got
a mighty nice sweet can
So over and over
Ill be a fool for you
Now over and over
What more can I do?
Sally O’Malley: Im fifty!
PAGEANT MUSIC
SFX: APPLAUSE
CAMERA FLASH. The flash FREEZE FRAMES. A black & white news photo. Its the cover of The Greenwood Hills Gazette. Headline reads: FIFTY YEAR-OLD TO WEAR CROWN!
OUT
Submitted by: Cody Downs
