Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 16
Weekend Update with Colin Quinn
Mr. Leonard…..Christopher Walken
[Music. Aerial view of New York City at night. We flyinto the impenetrable discharge of twosmokestacks.]
Announcer: And now, from the news capital ofthe world, it’s “Weekend Update with ColinQuinn.”
[Emerging from the smoke, we see the lights of NewYork from above and a SUPER: WEEKENDUPDATE / withCOLIN QUINN. Cheers and applause as we dissolve toStudio 8H and the WU set, panning left and thenzooming in on Colin Quinn seated at the WUdesk.]
Colin Quinn: Thank you, folks. I don’t knowwhat to say! Why, thank you. I– I’m touched. Hi, I’mColin Quinn and here are today’s top stories.
Today, the saga in Miami continues as Elian Gonzaleswoke up, had a nice breakfast, and went out to play.I’m sorry, folks, but as the members of the media,we’re required to say the words “Elian Gonzales” everyten minutes. …
By the way, for those of you who don’t know, “Elian”is a traditional Cuban name meaning “political pawn.”…
Nonetheless, after a meeting with Elian Gonzales’father, Juan Gonzales, yesterday, Attorney GeneralJanet Reno guaranteed that officials would arrange forMr. Gonzales to reclaim his son. Following themeeting, a relieved Juan Gonzales said through aninterpreter that he thinks the Attorney General is avery nice man or woman. …
And now some news from the future. The year 2015.Earlier today, 21-year-old Elian Gonzales, the Cubanboy who was the center of an international custodybattle in the year 2000, reportedly saw “MTV SpringBreak” for the first time, and then attacked hisfather while screaming, “Thanks a lot, comrades!”…
With the deadline fast approaching, only 53 percent ofAmericans have returned their census forms, well shortof the minimum goal of 61 percent. My question is: Howdo they know that? … Darv– [cheers and applause]Ah! Oh ho! Oooh. Whoooo.
Ah, Darva Conger and Rick Rockwell from “Who Wants toMarry a Multi-Millionaire?” appeared Wednesday at aLas Vegas family court hearing to annul theirmarriage. With their relationship finally over, youngromantics now have only one couple left to look up to.[Photo of seemingly incestuous celebrity coupleAngelina Jolie and her brother Jamie Haven]…
Thirty years after they split up – Thirty years afterthey split up, folks, the three surviving members ofthe Beatles have collaborated on an autobiographycalled “Beatles Anthology” which they say will dispelsome of the myths about their career. While there havebeen disagreements on the way they remember events,they do agree on one thing: Ringo types too slow….
A new talk show is airing on Court TV called “LiveFrom Cell Block F” which featured North CarolinaSheriff Gerald Hege interviewing his actual inmates.Viewers may remember this show by its original name,”The NFL Today.” … [some applause]
And singer Mariah Carey was hospitalized in Bostonthis week after suffering complications resulting fromfood poisoning. Hospital officials said that Mariahstarted doing much better as soon as they found ahospital gown that made her look like a whore. …[cheers and applause] Awwww.
This week the Energy Department said that gasolineprices could peak in April at a national average ashigh as a dollar fifty-two a gallon. Apparently,gasoline prices worldwide have gotten so out of handthat Ugandan cult members now have to set themselveson fire by standing under a magnifying glass….
Last week, spurred by Monday’s guilty verdict in theMicrosoft anti-trust case, the software giant’s stockfell over fifteen percent, dropping Bill Gates’ networth to a mere “more money than any of us can everdream about.” …
The Reverend Al Sharpton, Wednesday, announced acampaign of civil disobedience in New York City duringthe week before Easter to protest recent policeshootings. So, keep in mind, if you see kids jumpingsubway turnstiles on Good Friday, they’re actuallypolitical activists. …
The National Zoo in Washington, which lost one of itsbiggest attractions last year when its giant pandaHsing-Hsing died, is nearing an agreement with Chinathat would bring a pair of pandas to the zoo. Rightnow, zoo officials are hoping to secure a couple oflesbian pandas because they’re so much more fun towatch. …
This week TBS began its new programming format aimedat capturing the, quote, “regular guy” audience. A topTBS executive described “regular guys” as datelesslosers who would be home watching TBS on a Fridaynight. …
Four kindergartners in Sayerville, New Jersey weresuspended for three days this week for pretendingtheir fingers were guns while playing “cops androbbers.” Although, the two kids playing cops weresuspended with pay. … [applause]
A Texas man, Kenneth Payne, after being tried as ahabitual offender, received a 16-year prison sentencefor stealing a Snickers bar from a convenience store.”Not going anywhere for a while?” … [someapplause]
And for the third year in a row, ticket prices for theMets have risen over twenty percent making the cost ofa night at the park for a family of four a hundred andseventy-six dollars. Not to mention the hardship ofhaving to take the 7 train, sitting next to some queerwith AIDS, and some kid with purple hair, [crowdprotests Colin’s quoting Atlanta Braves pitcher JohnRocker’s remarks about New York City] and a20-year-old mom with four kids. … [applause but alsoa lot of booing] As we reported– [to the crowd] Yeah,no irony, right, folks? All right. …
Colin Quinn: As we reported earlier, FederalDistrict Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson ruled Mondaythat software giant Microsoft in fact violatedanti-trust laws. What does this mean for the future ofthe company? What does this mean for consumers? Herenow, Senior Economics Fellow at the BrookingsInstitute in Washington, D.C., Jacob Silj. [cheers andapplause as we pan over to Jacob, a nerdy bespectacledguy in a suit and tie]
Jacob Silj: [loud, deep, monotone] THANK YOU,COLIN! … COLIN, AS YOU KNOW, JUDGE JACKSON RULEDTHAT MICROSOFT VIOLATED THE SHERMAN ANTI-TRUST ACT INNO FEWER THAN THREE INSTANCES!
Colin Quinn: Oh, my God!
Jacob Silj: “OH, MY GOD” IS RIGHT, COLIN! THISRULING IS VERY, VERY SIGNIFICANT!
Colin Quinn: No! I mean, could you please notSHOUT like that? …
Jacob Silj: LISTEN, COLIN, I HAVE A DISEASE!… I SUFFER FROM VOICE IMMODULATION! … I’M UNABLETO CONTROL THE VOLUME OR INFLECTION OF MY VOICE! …THIS IS NOT “SHOUTING” — IT IS TALKING!
Colin Quinn: It’s just– Couldn’t you take adeep breath, lower your voice?
Jacob Silj: HOW DARE YOU?! I CANNOT DO THAT! IHAVE AN AFFLICTION THAT IS RECOGNIZED BY THE AMERICANMEDICAL ASSOCIATION AND ITS BRITISH COUNTERPART! EVERYYEAR, AS MANY AS SIX PEOPLE ARE STRICKEN BY THISHORRIBLE … HORRIBLE DISEASE! IT COULD STRIKE ANYONEAT ANY TIME — PROVIDED THEY WERE BORN AT LEAST TWOMONTHS LATE AND HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO GOLD DUST!…
Colin Quinn: [amused disbelief] Gold dust,Jacob?
Jacob Silj: OH, IT’S FUNNY TO YOU! IMAGINE, IFYOU WILL, COLIN, A LIFE IN WHICH YOU HOLD YOUR BABYDAUGHTER IN YOUR ARMS AND TRY TO EASE HER BACK TOSLEEP! [cradles an imaginary baby in his arms] HUSHHUSH! GO TO SLEEP! DADDY LOVES YOU! … OR IMAGINEYOU’RE AT CHURCH WHISPERING A SECRET AND SILENT PRAYERTO GOD! [clasps hands in prayer] “OH, PLEASE, DEARGOD! WHY HAVE YOU DONE THIS TO ME?! I HATE YOU, GOD!PLEASE TAKE AWAY THIS TERRIBLE AFFLICTION! AND ALSOLET ME FIND A BAG OF MONEY!” THAT IS MY HELL, COLIN!… I WOULDN’T WISH IT ON ANYONE! MAYBE ON YOU, COLIN,BUT NO ONE ELSE! …
Colin Quinn: Hey! Hey, that’s mean!
Jacob Silj: I APOLOGIZE! THAT LAST PART WASACTUALLY MUTTERED UNDER MY BREATH! … BUT I CAN’TMUTTER UNDER MY BREATH, CAN I?! … YOU JERK! THAT WASUNDER MY BREATH ALSO! YOU ASS!
Colin Quinn: Just stop–
Jacob Silj: UNDER MY BREATH AGAIN!
Colin Quinn: Will you stop, Jacob?
Jacob Silj: I THINK I WILL, COLIN! I THINK IWILL!
Colin Quinn: Jacob Silj, everybody! [cheers andapplause] I’m Colin Quinn, that’s my story and I’msticking to it. Elian Gonzalez!
[Music. More cheers and applause as Colin turns toJacob Silj. Fade.]