SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17





99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Keanu Reeves…..Tobey Maguire
Hilary Swank…..Jimmy Fallon
Ricky Martin…..Chris Kattan
Chad Lowe…..Chris Parnell

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. I thought we were done with this, but Regis Philbin, that mongrel idiot, decided to do a Celebrity Millionaire, and network competition being what it is, I stand before you, a broken and miserable man. Let’s take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new Jeopardy record for futility with..

Sean Connery: Suck on it Trebek. Suck it long, and suck it hard.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. You kiss your mother with that mouth.

Sean Connery: No, but I did something to your mother with this mouth! [ points to mouth ]

Alex Trebek: Why? Keanu Reeves has an impressive -$32,000.
Keanu Reeves: I know Kung Fu.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, no you don’t. And finally, Hilary Swank in a commanding lead with zero.

Hilary Swank: Did I win? Because there’s some people I need to thank.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just take a look at the board. And the categories are: “Potent Potables”; “Foreign Flicks”; “Things Trebek Sucks”-wait! [ Connery is laughing. ] All right. [ Trebek walks over and takes down the hand-written “Things Trebek Sucks” sign. ] Let’s continue…”Potpourri”; “Hot or Cold”; “What Ears Do”; “Is This A Hat”-that’s where I name and object, and you tell whether or not it’s ahat. And finally, “Colors That End In Urple”. Hilary Swank, you’re in the lead, so we’ll start with you.

Hilary Swank: I’m a girl you know.

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Let’s just go with Foreign Flicks for $800. [ Connery buzzes in. ]

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress.

Alex Trebek: What?

Sean Connery: Ursula Andress, Catherine Deneuve, and Charo, twice.

Alex Trebek: That’s Foreign Flicks, Mr. Connery. Foreign Flicks. Mr. Reeves, why don’t you pick?

Keanu Reeves: I shall take Balloons for $800, if you please.

Alex Trebek: That’s not a category.

Keanu Reeves: My mistake. I shall choose Balloons for $600.

Alex Trebek: I tell you what, let’s do Colors That End in Urple. For $800. This color ends in “urple”. [ Swank buzzes in. ] Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: What is light urple?

Alex Trebek: [ shakes head ] Wow. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: I will venture a guess. Who is Jaleel White?

Alex Trebek: What?

Keanu Reeves: Is that not the gentlemen who played Urple, the humorous fellow with the glasses who loves cheese?

Alex Trebek: That’s Urkel! [ Connery buzzes in. ] Oh good, Mr. Connery wants to say something.

Sean Connery: I thought of some more foreign ladies I snogged.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Hot or Cold for $400. And it’s a Video Daily Double. Here goes nothing. Please take a look at your video monitors.

[ screen shows Ricky Martin and two dancers. They start dancing. ]

Ricky Martin: It’s me! Come on, Ricky Martin! Come on! [ music starts ]. Oh my! In this cup there’s some hot tea! It’s hot hot hot! Watch! [ takes a sip ] Yow! Hot hot hot! So the answer is: Hot hot hot! or cold. Hot hot hot! or cold. Come on! Hot hot hot!

[ video fades ]. [ no one buzzes in. ]

Alex Trebek: None of you knows. No one can figure out if the hot tea is hot or cold. [ Reeves buzzes in. ] Thank God! Keanu Reeves.

Keanu Reeves: Is it iced tea?

Alex Trebek: [ agitated ] No! It’s hot tea!

Keanu Reeves: Well, then I have no idea.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is…oh come on, why would they do this? The category is Famous Mothers.

Sean Connery: [ laughs ] My day has come! [ keeps laughing ]

Alex Trebek: [ rips card ] I’m not going to give you the satisfaction. [ Connery stops laughing. ] The new category is Anything. Write anything. [ music starts ] Just write. Use your arm, hand, and special pen, and move the pen around. Scribble if you want to, just make some kind of mark. [ music stops ] OK, let’s get this over with. Sean Connery, you wrote down: Below. I don’t know why you wrote that, but technically that’s a correct answer. You did write something. Let’s see what you wagered: Me. Below Me. [ Connery laughs ] Below Me…I don’t get it.

Sean Connery: Oh, I’ll bet you do, you Canadian ponch. [ slaps Trebek on the head. ]

Alex Trebek: Proud day for you and your family. Keanu Reeves, you look rather pleased. Let’s see what you wrote down: [ a blank screen is revealed ] Nothing. The question was write anything, and you got it wrong. I’m speechless. Let’s see what you wagered: Eleventy billion dollars. That’s not even a real number.

Keanu Reeves: Yet.

Alex Trebek: That’s simply amazing. And finally, Hilary Swank.

Hilary Swank: Thanks Alex. I’m so honored to have been here today, there’s so many people I have to thank. [ camera shows a sobbing Chad Lowe in the audience. ] I couldn’t have done it without Alex Trebek, the incredible cast and crew of Jeopardy, my publicist who is a beautiful human being…that’s it.

Alex Trebek: Touching. That’s all for Jeopardy; Regis, you can have them. Good night. [ Connery pushes Trebek as he walks by. ]

Submitted by: GohanDZ

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