Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 17
Tobey Maguire’s Monologue
Tobey Maguire: It’s great to be here! It’s great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-
Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! “Show me the money!”[ audience erupts into applause ]
Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you’re-
Keith: [ interrupting again ] “Show me the money”, Tobes!
Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?
Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. “Tobey Maguire”? And you kept yellin’ “Show me the money!” It was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called “Jerry Maguire”.. and I wasn’t in it.
Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell “Show me the money!” That was awesome!
Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn’t me.
Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.
Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!
Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-
Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren’t in “Jerry Maguire”, but what movies were you in, huh?
Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. “The Cider house Rules”.
Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!
Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It’s not.. it’s not that kind of rules. It’s “The Cider House Rules“.. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?
Keith: [ confused ] It’ wasn’t like a Spring Break film?
Tobey Maguire: No. It’s not.
Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? ‘Cause I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. “The Ice Storm”.
Keith: Now you’ve got me, Brohan! You’ve got me! That’s a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!
Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.
Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?
Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in “Wonder Boys”.
Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That’s with that, uh.. that’s with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What’s his name, uh..?
Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?
Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn’t see that one.
Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good
Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?
Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.
Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” on videotape. Are you in that?
Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it’ll make you quiet – yeah. Sure.
Keith: That’s cool, you were in that! What’d you play?
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!
Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!
Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.
Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!
Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..
Keith: No, we don’t! It’s Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!
Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!