SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Tobey Maguire’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Tobey Maguire’s Monologue

…..Tobey Maguire
Keith…..Adam McKay

Tobey Maguire: It’s great to be here! It’s great to be here in New York! I was so excited that they ask me to host the show, because it gives me a chnce to do a lot of different characters-

Keith: [ interrupting from the center of the audience ] Hey, Tobey, man! “Show me the money!”

[ audience erupts into applause ]

Tobey Maguire: Alright. Alright! As I was saying.. in a movie, you play one character, and you’re-

Keith: [ interrupting again ] “Show me the money”, Tobes!

Tobey Maguire: Why do you keep saying that?

Keith: Come on, man, because you were in that movie, uh.. “Tobey Maguire”? And you kept yellin’ “Show me the money!” It was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. the movie was called “Jerry Maguire”.. and I wasn’t in it.

Keith: Oh, yeah you were, man! you were in that, and Tom Cruise was your agent.. and you would yell “Show me the money!” That was awesome!

Tobey Maguire: Well, that was Cuba gooding, Jr. That wasn’t me.

Keith: [ the information hitting him hard ] Really?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Really.

Keith: [ to the audience ] Sorry, everyone! My bad!

Tobey Maguire: [ getting back to his point ] Now, uh.. what was I saying? Uh.. I was talking getting the opportunity to play all different types of characters.. so, I can-

Keith: [ interrupting yet again ] Hey! Hey, hey! Hey, Ace! Hey! Fine.. you weren’t in “Jerry Maguire”, but what movies were you in, huh?

Tobey Maguire: [ clears throat ] I was in, uh.. “The Cider house Rules”.

Keith: [ happily recognizes the title ] Oh, yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Cider House rules, man! That is the best frat around! Cider house rules!!

Tobey Maguire: [ shaking head ] Nope. It’s not.. it’s not that kind of rules. It’s “The Cider House Rules“.. like.. laws, things you have to obey. Rules, you know?

Keith: [ confused ] It’ wasn’t like a Spring Break film?

Tobey Maguire: No. It’s not.

Keith: Fine! Then what else were you in? ‘Cause I didn’t see that one.

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. I was in.. “The Ice Storm”.

Keith: Now you’ve got me, Brohan! You’ve got me! That’s a great movie, man! Helen Hunt, that cow flying in the air..!

Tobey Maguire: Wrong film.

Keith: Yeah? Okay, what else?

Tobey Maguire: Most recently, I was in “Wonder Boys”.

Keith: Yeah! Tasty! That’s with that, uh.. that’s with that dude that knocked up Catherine Zeta-Jones? What’s his name, uh..?

Tobey Maguire: Michael Douglas?

Keith: Yeahhhh!! Michael Douglas! Whoo!! [ sheepishly ] I didn’t see that one.

Tobey Maguire: [ aggravated ] Great. Good

Keith: You know, I saw the movie where the dude humped the pie! Are you him?

Tobey Maguire: Nope. Not me.

Keith: Alright, uh.. I just bought “Star Wars: The Phantom Menace” on videotape. Are you in that?

Tobey Maguire: You know what? If it’ll make you quiet – yeah. Sure.

Keith: That’s cool, you were in that! What’d you play?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. uh.. oh! I was Jar Jar Binks!

Keith: [ disappointed ] You were Jar Jar Binks? you know what? You sucked! You ruined that whole movie!

Tobey Maguire: You know.. I had a point, but forget it.

Keith: Jar Jar Binks sucks, man!

Tobey Maguire: You know, we have a great show..

Keith: No, we don’t! It’s Jar Jar Binks! Turn the channel!

Tobey Maguire: Sisqo is here. So, stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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