SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: The Studio 8-H Rules

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 17



99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

The Studio 8-H Rules

…..Darrell Hammond
…..Tobey Maguire
…..Chris Parnell
…..Chris Kattan
…..Tracy Morgan
…..Cheri Oteri
…..Tim Meadows
…..Lorne Michaels

Darrell Hammond: What’s it like being in movies, Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Oh, it’s fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..

Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I’m gonna be in a movie!

Tobey Maguire: Well, I’m sure you will.

Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?

Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it’s late.

Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?

Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?

Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?

Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if I’m in there..?

Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. “Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards..”

Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.

Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.

Tobey Maguire: Okay.

Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]

Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.

Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?

Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.

Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, that’s good..

Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo’s dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.

Cheri Oteri: Okay, that’s an old one. I don’t think that applies any more.

Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.

Cheri Oteri: Now you see, that’s harder than it sounds..

Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who don’t know anything about us.

Cheri Oteri: Right?

Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Life’s like that sometimes.

Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, he’s gone to “Ally McBeal” to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.

Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..

Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.

Everyone: Good night, Lorne.

[ Lorne exits ]

Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.

Everyone: Good night, Tobey!

[ Tobey exits ]

Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?

Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.

Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmy’s?

Tim Meadows: It doesn’t matter, go to sleep.

[ cut to Tobey entering Lorne’s office ]

Tobey Maguire: Lorne.. [ sees Lorne sniffing ether ] oh.. sorry.

Lorne Michaels: Oh.. [ lowers the ether ] ..come in. I’m just sniffing ether.

Tobey Maguire: I just wanted to say thanks for having me.

Lorne Michaels: I think you’re gonna do a great show tomorrow night, Tobey.

Tobey Maguire: Uh, Lorne.. the show’s tonight.

Lorne Michaels: Ah.. I’ve gotta cool it with the ether.. [ holds it up to his nose again ]

Tobey Maguire: Good night, you prince of sketch comedy, you king of.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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