Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 17
The Studio 8-H Rules
Darrell Hammond: What’s it like being in movies, Tobey?
Tobey Maguire: Oh, it’s fun, Darrell. You meet a lot of nice people, and you get to stay in a trailer..
Darrell Hammond: Ohhhh.. someday I’m gonna be in a movie!
Tobey Maguire: Well, I’m sure you will.
Chris Parnell: Tobey? Do you think Lorne will make a movie out of my Tom Brokaw impression?
Tobey Maguire: Uh.. maybe. [ Darrell and Chris get excited ] Go to sleep, guys, it’s late.
Chris Kattan: [ sitting inside a plastic bubble, wheezing ] Tobey?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah, Chris, what do you need?
Chris Kattan: Tobey, will you read to me?
Tobey: Yeah, sure. What do you want me to read?
Chris Kattan: US Weekly.. will you see if Im in there..?
Tobey Maguire: Okay.. uh.. “Lauren Holly and her beau, Con Air screenwriter Scott Rosenburg, flew to Vegas last week for the Show West awards..”
Tracy Morgan: Yo, yo yo Tobey.. Wait a minute. You can read?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah, of course.
Tracy Morgan: Well, come over here for a minute.
Tobey Maguire: Okay.
Tracy Morgan: Would you do us a solid, and read this for us? [ points to sign ]
Tobey Maguire: Oh.. these are the studio rules.
Cheri Oteri: Yeah, yeah.. what do they say?
Tobey Maguire: Uh, well, it says.. Studio 8H Rules. Number One: No smoking in the studio. [ Cheri takes the cigarette out of her mouth ] Number Two: No sketches longer than three minutes.
Cheri Oteri: [ laughs ] Okay, thats good..
Tobey Maguire: Number Three: Stay out of Joe Piscopo’s dressing room. He is a giant star, and must be treated as such.
Cheri Oteri: Okay, thats an old one. I dont think that applies any more.
Tobey Maguire: Number Four: All sketches must have a big funny ending.
Cheri Oteri: Now you see, thats harder than it sounds..
Tracy Morgan: Man, these rules were made by people who dont know anything about us.
Cheri Oteri: Right?
Tobey Maguire: Yeah. Lifes like that sometimes.
Lorne Michaels: Alright, lights out, everyone. Say your prayers. Jimmy Fallon has left us, hes gone to “Ally McBeal” to play the new hotshot attorney. Be happy for Jimmy.
Everyone: Good night, Jimmy..
Lorne Michaels: Good night, you princes of NBC, you kings of late night.
Everyone: Good night, Lorne.[ Lorne exits ]
Tobey Maguire: Well, good night, you guys.
Everyone: Good night, Tobey![ Tobey exits ]
Chris Kattan: Why does Lorne say that to us every night?
Tim Meadows: To manipulate us into signing long contracts for lower amounts of money.
Chris Kattan: Oh.. (wheezing) when are the Emmys?
Tim Meadows: It doesnt matter, go to sleep.[ cut to Tobey entering Lorne’s office ]
Tobey Maguire: Lorne.. [ sees Lorne sniffing ether ] oh.. sorry.
Lorne Michaels: Oh.. [ lowers the ether ] ..come in. Im just sniffing ether.
Tobey Maguire: I just wanted to say thanks for having me.
Lorne Michaels: I think youre gonna do a great show tomorrow night, Tobey.
Tobey Maguire: Uh, Lorne.. the show’s tonight.
Lorne Michaels: Ah.. Ive gotta cool it with the ether.. [ holds it up to his nose again ]
Tobey Maguire: Good night, you prince of sketch comedy, you king of.. “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“