SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Burger Castle

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Curtis……..Tobey Maguire
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer

Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?

Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.

Nadeen: Just simmah down now.

Male Customer #1: Excuse me?

Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.

Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?

Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!

Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.

Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!

Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!

Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?

Male Customer #2: That’s me.

Nadeen: Oh.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.

Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.

Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.

Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.

Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.

Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.

Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?

Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?

Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?

(A male/female couple approach)

Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…

Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…

Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…

Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…

Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…

Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.

Nadeen: Pipe down now?

Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.

Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.

Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?

Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.

Nadeen: Nadeen!

Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.

Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.

Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: What?!

Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!

Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)

Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.

Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?

Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.

Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!

Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?

Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!

Curtis: Yeah?

Nadeen: Curtis…

Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?

Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.

Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?

Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?

Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?

Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?

Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!

Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..

Curtis: Loud and clear now.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.

Nadeen: Keep going.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!

Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a whippin to you! Come on now simmah down now!

(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mia

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It’s whippin not weapon!