SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle

Saturday Night Live Transcripts


Season 25: Episode 17


99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Burger Castle

Nadeen…..Cheri Oteri
Curtis……..Tobey Maguire
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer

Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?

Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.

Nadeen: Just simmah down now.

Male Customer #1: Excuse me?

Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.

Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?

Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!

Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.

Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!

Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!

Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?

Male Customer #2: That’s me.

Nadeen: Oh.

Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.

Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.

Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.

Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.

Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.

Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.

Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?

Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?

Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?

(A male/female couple approach)

Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…

Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…

Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…

Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…

Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…

Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!

Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.

Nadeen: Pipe down now?

Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.

Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.

Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?

Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.

Nadeen: Nadeen!

Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.

Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.

Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: What?!

Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!

Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!

Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)

Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.

Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?

Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.

Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!

Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?

Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!

Curtis: Yeah?

Nadeen: Curtis…

Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?

Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.

Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?

Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?

Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?

Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?

Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!

Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..

Curtis: Loud and clear now.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.

Nadeen: Keep going.

Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!

Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a whippin to you! Come on now simmah down now!

(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)

(Fade to black)

Submitted by: Mia

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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It’s whippin not weapon!