SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Burger Castle
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 17
Male Customer #1….Jimmy Fallon
Male Customer #2….Horatio Sanz
Male Customer #3….Tim Meadows
Female Customer #1….Rachel Dratch
Female Customer #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Nadeen: Welcome to Burger Castle. How can I help ya today?
Male Customer #1: I’ll have a bacon cheddar royal, and please please don’t forget the ketchup.
Nadeen: Just simmah down now.
Male Customer #1: Excuse me?
Nadeen: Simmah down now. And your Cat soup is on yonder condiment counter over there.
Male Customer #1: Cat soup? Where are you from?
Nadeen: Well, I’m gonna be from the state of Hell if you don’t simmah down now. Now simmah down!
Male Customer #1: I don’t know what that means, I’m just gonna ask you to super size it.
Nadeen: Sir, you are not at MACDonalds and if you were I would tell you to MC-Simmah Down now!
Male Customer #1: You just lost a sale. Or I’m gonna take my $1.49 over to Wendy’s!
Nadeen: Fine, you tell David Thomas he better simmah down now too! Woo, I’ll tell ya. Who next?
Male Customer #2: That’s me.
Male Customer #2: I’ll have a, large cheese-Laroy, and some Jester fries and a diet coke.
Nadeen: Alright slow it down now, slow it down.
Male Customer #2: Hot moat apple pie, and a Prince Sundae.
Nadeen: Alright, slow it down now, simmah down now, ya like Orson Welles now.
Male Customer #2: Hey! What the hell? I don’t need this.
Nadeen: You’re gonna need a triple bypass now. Now simmah down.
Male Customer #2: Alright what the hell?
Nadeen: (Imitates a car that won’t start) Simmmmmm (shakes head)…simmmmmmm (shakes head) Simmmmmmah down now! Simmah down now! Simmah down!
Male Customer #2: What is wrong with you?
Nadeen: You better simmah down and get before I take a switch to you now simmah and get! Man! Who dat next?
(A male/female couple approach)
Male Customer #3: Hi, we’re really in a hurry, ok? So we’d like, uh 2 Sir Fish A-lots…
Nadeen: Ohh…2 Simmahs…
Female Customer #1: Yeah, 2 orders of Jester fries…
Nadeen: 2 orders of Down…
Male Customer #3: And 2 vanilla shakes…
Nadeen: And 2 large nows…making your total…Oh, look at this…Simmah down now! Simmah down!
Male Customer #3: What?! We won’t simmer down now.
Nadeen: Pipe down now?
Male Customer #3: No, we won’t pipe down now either. But we will see your manager.
Nadeen: Alright, Curtis, need ya up front now, ya hear? Curtis, up front, ya hear? Come on.
Curtis: Welcome to Burger Castle, is there a problem here?
Female Customer #1: Yeah, uh, this woman is being very rude.
Male Customer #3: Yeah, ok, Nadeen here is giving us a hard time.
Nadeen: He like, he come in and he go, “Oh, we are in a hurry.” Like that.
Curtis: Hmm, well I, I think I understand your predicament sir, and on behalf of Burger Castle Corporation, I’d like to invite you, and your lady friend to simmah down now!
Male Customer #3: What?!
Curtis: Hmm, perhap I can put it to you more clearly: First and 10 “simmah” take the snap drop back find “down” in the end zone for a touchdown. “Now” I come on and kick the extra point. Simmah to down followed by now, and it’s Simmah down now!
Male Customer #3: That’s ridiculous! That’s it, come on honey, let’s go get us some Whoppers!
Nadeen: Yeah have it your way at the Burger King! They in a hurry!(woman approaches)
Female Customer #2: Hi, um, I just bought a Kiddy Castle Meal for my son and there isn’t a prize in it.
Nadeen: Oh, so you would like an “extra” Road to El Dorado figurine?
Female Customer #2: No, I don’t want an extra figurine; I want the one that wasn’t in the Kiddy Castle Meal I bought.
Nadeen: Ma’am, it’s called a “Castle Meal”, not a “Hassle Meal”, ya best simmah!
Female Customer #2: Simmah? How bout I simmah to your manager?
Nadeen: Fine, Curtis? Up here again ya hear? Up again hear? Come on!
Curtis: How can I help ya Ma’am?
Female Customer #2: Uh, you can start by firing her.
Curtis: Ma’am, (holds up Donna Summer record) who is this Queen of Disco?
Female Customer #2: Donna Summer?
Nadeen: Now how do her name appear in the phone book?
Female Customer #2: Summer Donna?
Nadeen: Stretch it out now, stretch it out!
Female Customer #2: Summer, summer don-na..
Curtis: Loud and clear now.
Female Customer #2: Summer don-na.
Nadeen: Keep going.
Female Customer #2: Summer don-na!
Curtis: Summer Donna that’s right simmah down now! That’s it! Now get! Get before I take a weapon to you! Come on now simmah down now!
(Screaming until the lady and her son leave the place)
(Fade to black)
Submitted by: Mia