SNL Transcripts: Tobey Maguire: 04/15/00: Yoga Class

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 17

99q: Tobey Maguire / Sisqo

Yoga Class

Travis…..Tobey Maguire
Star Student…..Will Ferrell
Female Student #1…..Molly Shannon
Male Student #1…..Chris Parnell
Male Student #2…..Chris Kattan
Male Student #3…..Tim Meadows
Female Student #2…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, Glendale Fitness Center ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Travis enters ]

Travis: Good evening, everybody. I’m Travis. and I’ll be leading today’s class. We’re going to start in a comfortable position. Remember: concentrate on our breathing. Breath deep. Now.. exhale, while reaching your hands toward the sky, palms touching.. letting go all the tension you’re holding, releasing it from your body. Good.. good.. Now.. legs out in front of you, as we go into the Forward Plow Pose. Hands reached for the feet.. try to touch your elbows to the ground. [ the class deepen their breaths as they stretch ] Ah.. that’s it! Reach! Feel the spine elongate, your breath deepens, the mind is qui-et!

Star Student: Never been this close..! Almost..!

Travis: Now.. slowly.. roll yourself.. back up.. feel.. each vertical lift..

[ full shot of room reveals a student with his legs stretched, his head tucked neatly in his pants as he administers the act of self-fellacio. His moans are audible, and cause the other students to turn to him for an explanation. ]

[ reactions from the other students in the class reveal their fright and disgust ]

Female Student #1: Oh! Oh, my God! Gross!! What is that guy doing?! Gro-o-o-o-o-osss!!

Male Student #1: [ suddenly impressed ] Look at him – he’s limber!

Star Student: Ohhhh, yeahh!!

Male Student #2: I didn’t think that was possible..

Male Student #3: You know, I read in Maxim that it wasn’t.

Travis: Excuse me, sir?

Star Student: [ underneath his pants ] Ohhhhhhh… ahhhhhhh..!

Travis: Sir? Could you please stop doing that..?

Star Student: [ stops moaning, but doesn’t remove his head from his pants ] Are you talking to me?

Travis: Yes, sir. Yes.

Star Student: Ah. [ pulls his head up from out of his pants ] Look.. I’ve done yoga every day for three yrars now.. and I’ve finally reached my goal. So, uh.. I’m gonna enjoy this. You just go on.

Travis: Sir! I admit your.. “flexibility” is impressive, but you’re distracting the class. Could you please go somewhere else and do that?

Star Student: I would.. but I’m scared if I get up I won’t be able to get back down in this position.. so, uh.. just keep going, I’ll catch up with the class later.

Travis: [ sighs ] Well.. fine. Put him out of your mind.

Star Student: Ohhhhhh.. whooooooo… damn!

Travis: Well.. just ignore him. Let’s move on to a new pose – the Downward Facing Dog. Tailbones toward the sky – stretch your hamstrings..

Star Student: Ohh..! I’ve waited three long years for this, my friend! Whoo!

[ the students begin to look at the other student with more interest than the activities of the classroom ]

Travis: Come on.. we’re moving on to Downward Facing Dog! Let’s go! Get in position!

Male Student #3: Forget the Down Dog – I want to know how to do this!

Star Student: This is for me!

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah.. what’s that pose called again?

Star Student: Forward Plow!

Male Student #2: Yeah, teach us that!

Star Student: Oh, yeahhh, baby.. nobody else..! Ow!!

Travis: [ annoyed ] You know, if that’s why you want to learn yoga, then you’re doing it for the wrong reason!

Male Student #3: Okay, then, we’re doing it for the wrong reason.

Male Student #1: Yeah, we’re bad people. Now, just show us the pose, Yogi!

Travis: [ between clenched teeth ] The point of yoga.. is to calm the mind.. and find your.. nirvana.

Star Student: I found my nirvana!

Travis: [ now fully aggravated ] Okay! You can forget it! I’m not going to teach you that!

Male Student #2: What a gyp!

Male Student #3: Yeah.. he can’t teach us, ’cause he can’t do it!

Travis: [ weakly ] Oh, I-I-I could.. but I don’t want to do that to myself.. I’m not gay..

Star Student: [ taking offense, lifts his head out of his pants ] Hey! You masturbate with your own hand, don’t you? Does that make you gay? No! [ returns to his pants ]

Male Student #3: That’s good logic.

Male Student #1: He’s got a point.

Male Student #2: I have to agree with him.

Star Student: Mmmm..! Yeahhhhh! This is all for me! Whooooo!!

Male Student #3: [ to Travis ] You know.. you-you’re just jealous ’cause you can’t do it.

Travis: [ offended ] Oh, I-I-I could do that if I-I wanted to..

Male Student #1: Prove it!

Male Student #3: Prove it!

Male Student #2: Yeah , prove it! Come on!

Female Student #1: Show ’em, Travis.. come on.

[ Travis stretches his legs and attempts to lean toward his crotch, but can’t seem to make the distance ]

Male Student #3: He can’t do it!

Travis: Oh, I-I-I could do it.. I just have to be drunk.

Male Student #3: [ laughs ] Yeah, sure!

Travis: No. you know what? I don’t need this! Class is cancelled! I’m leaving! [ exits room ]

Female Student #1: I’m leaving, too. This is so ridiculous.. [ exits room ]

[ the other students crowd around the Star Student ]

Male Student #1: So, uh.. every day for three years, huh? Th-that’s all it takes..?

Star Student: Uh-huh.. whoo..!

Male Student #3: Hey, uh.. buddy, do you think you could teach us?

Male Student #1: Yeah, yeah! That would be great!

Female Student #2: C-could you teach a girl to do that?

Star Student: Maybe. Look.. I’ve waited three years for this, so, uh.. if you guys could just.. leave me alone, give me some time, I.. promise I will.. teach the class tomorrow.

[ the other students chant “Cool! Excellent!” as they exit the classroom ]

Travis: He’ll get bored of it, eventually..

[ dissolve to exterior, Glendale Fitness Center, SUPER: “Three years later” ]

[ dissolve to interior, classroom, as Japanese fitness members enter the room to find the Star Student still sucking away at himself ]

[ Star Student lifts his head out of his pants, revealing a long white beard and scraggly hair – he has aged quite a bit ]

Star Student: Could you just give me a couple more minutes? Thanks. [ returns underneath his pants ] Oh-ho-ho! Where were we..?

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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