SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/06/00: The Office Skank


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Office Skank

Joe…..Chris Parnell
Tim…..Tim Meadows
Chris…..Chris Kattan
John…..John Goodman
Temp…..Rachel Dratch

Adele: Hey Fellas, who’s mixin’ up the testosterone? Cause believe me, I could use a shot, or three!

Joe: [annoyed] Hi Adele. Is that a tube top you’re wearing?

Adele: Good eye. Just a little elastic basket to hold my peaches. Would you like some nectar, Hector?

Joe: You know my name is Joe.

Adele: Mmm, I could use me a cup of joe right now. And by joe, I mean a cup of your man milk. I’m talkin’ about your semen!

Joe: Yeah I got it Adele; man milk could only mean one thing.

Adele: Yeah? Well this boy’s got one thing in his pants that’d Id like to wrap my sweaty little mitts around. I’m talking about putting my hands on you penis.

Tim: Yes, and again there’s no confusion there. Adele, we got it thanks.

Adele: Well speaking of getting it, I’m going to head over to the old icebox and get my oyster platter. [Walks away] What cha’ looking at fellas, it is broke? Well whoever wants to fix it can use his wrench. And by wrench I mean that wrinkly thing you urinate out of or have sex with.

Chris: We know what you’re talking about, all right?! Just keep walking!

[John enters]

John: Hey guys, nice job on that Anderson report. [Sees Adele] Oh my God! Hi Adele, you drop something?

Adele: Huh? Well now that you’re around I’m hoping to drop something. I was talking about my panties. You see I would have to take them off for you see my naked genitalia.

John: Yeah I got it Adele, now please just let me get my lunch, eat it and then toss it up.

Adele: You know what you could toss mine with?

John: What?

Adele: Dem’ meatballs you’re hiding in those kakis. I’m talking about your testicles.

John: Thanks Adele. I’m going to tell you something; you are very bad at innuendo.

Adele: Oh really? Well I want you bad in my end-o. I’m talking you nailing my butt!

John: Duh, OK is that what you meant? I had no idea. You know, sexual harassment goes both ways.

Adele: Oh I go both ways baby! Sure, is this what your talking about? Cause this is what I’m talking about.

Temp: [surprised] I’m just a temp!

Adele: Oh yea we could make our sandwich, with us as the bun and you as the hot dog. And by hot dog, I mean that dirty, man-meat; dangling betwix’d your legs.

John: Yeah. Adele, again there was no question about to what your were referring to. This is what I’ve been trying to tell you, you’re very, very unprofessional.

Adele: Unprofessional? Well maybe I should get professional and make you pay me to rub your boner. And by boner, I mean hard pee-pee.

John: By pee-pee, are you referring to urine or the actual member itself?

Adele: Ha-ha that’s a good question. I’ll have to get back to you on that. If anyone needs me I’ll be in my office. [Starts to leave and stops] Ooo, and by office, I mean that room down the hall with the waterbed and the KY. Why? Oh you’ll see! You’ll see!

[End Scene]

Submitted by: Bree-Marie

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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