SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/06/00: The Bloder Brothers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Bloder Brothers

Wayne Bloder….Chris Parnell
Kip Bloder….Jimmy Fallon
White Cop….John Goodman
Black Cop….Tim Meadows

(Opens with a cop car wailing its siren and pulling over a car to the side of the road at night. Perm haired brothers Kip and Wayne sit beside their car on a guardrail. A big white cop approaches them with a flashlight, his partner, a black cop, is behind him.)

White Cop: You gentlemen know you´re not supposed to get out of your vehicle until we tell ya´?

Wayne: Oh-oh, book us Dan-O!

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Do you want us to get back in?

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Forget it. You boys have any idea why we pulled you over?

Wayne: Don´t worry officer or should I say “occifer”. I´m not as think as you drunk I am.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: That´s right. We only had tee martoonis.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: He´s my designated driver. He drives me to drink.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: I don´t have a drinking problem. I drink, no problem.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: I´m sorry officers. My brother and I are a couple of cutups but I assure you, we´re completely sober.

Black Cop: Yeah, but you guys were 10 miles over the speed limit.

Kip: We were singing some golden oldies and got a little jazzed up.

Wayne: We just got off work. Would you guys like to guess what we do for a living?

Black Cop: Chia pets?

Wayne and Kip: Ooooohhhh!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

White Cop: You sell home perm kits?

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Good guesses, but wrong.

Kip: We caliber thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

(Wayne and Kip bang a rhythm on the guardrail and sing their jingle)

Wayne:(sing) You got 10,000 pounds of beef to be cool…

Kip:(sing) Here my friends is the only rule…

Wayne and Kip:(sing) Call the Bloder Brothers!

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Boy, if there were ever a reason for police brutality, this would be it.

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!(laugh)

White Cop: Ok Bloder brothers, can I see your license and registration?

Wayne: You can see me naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: You can see us both naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: We´ll dance the naked jig, if you want. You got the guns.

Black Cop: (getting angry) Just the license would be fine.

(Wayne gives his wallet to the white cop)

White Cop: You´re Wayne Bloder?

Wayne: Guilty.(giggles)

Kip: I´m the other Bloder, Kip.

(Brothers laugh)

(The Bloder Brothers do robot moves)

Wayne and Kip: (robot voices) And…we…are…the…Bloder…Brothers.

Black Cop: You guys think you´re really funny, don´t you?

Wayne: No, just good looking.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Book these guys for public nuisance.

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Ouch! Help! I´ve been wounded.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Officers, I´d like to report an insult.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: (menacingly) You guys know what a nightstick is?

Wayne and Kip: Oh Boy!! (laugh)

White Cop: All right, stand up for me, Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, you got it. (Stands up)

White Cop: Ok, interlock your fingers behind your head Mr. Bloder.(Wayne complies and the white cop pats him down) Spread your legs.

Wayne: Oh, I didn´t think I was gonna get any tonight.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Hey, aren´t you guys gonna buy him dinner first?

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Be gentle, I´m a first timer.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: (slaps the nightstick on his hand) You´re gonna need to shut your mouth, Mr. Bloder.

Wayne and Kip: Za-Zing!!(laugh)

Black Cop: Just shut up and walk a straight line!

Wayne: I´d like to use one of my lifelines if I could.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: And that is his final answer.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop:(angry) Walk a straight line!

(Wayne walks the line)

Wayne: I´ve been striking out with the ladies lately so I´m a little fuzzy on the meaning of “straight”.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we strike out one more time, you can call us Sigfried and Roy.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: Bloder brothers! Zip it! Final Warning!

Wayne and Kip: (quietly) Hi-yo.

White Cop: Mr. Bloder, pull out your arms, touch your nose.

(Wayne touches his nose and starts humming circus music)

Black Cop: Hey!!

Wayne: I didn´t say anything!

White Cop: What is your problem? We´re this close to taking you downtown, throwing you in a holding tank and let me tell you, it ain´t no party, so STOP LAUGHING!!

Wayne: (meekly) A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Kip: (meekly) Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

Black Cop: (dead serious) I´m gonna take this nightstick and hit you in the head.

Wayne: (voice breaking) Heads up. Oh, God.(cries)

Kip: (crying) Up, up and away.

(Wayne and Kip laugh and cry at the same time)

White Cop: I can´t believe this. You guys are a mess. Look at you. Laughing and crying at the same time.

Black Cop: Lets just let them go. Can you imagine driving back to the station with these two guys in the backseat?

White Cop: Fine by me. (gives Wayne back his wallet) Word of advice: slow it down, pull it together. (leaves)

Black Cop: (angry) I wish you guys were drunk, it would give me an excuse. (leaves)

Wayne: That was a close one.

Kip: Maybe that guy was right.

Wayne: Right about what?

Kip: I wish we were drunk too.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Want to go on a 3-day bender?

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we do it in the car, it´ll be a fender-bender.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!

(The Bloder Brothers get back in their car)

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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