SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/06/00: The Bloder Brothers

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Bloder Brothers

Wayne Bloder….Chris Parnell
Kip Bloder….Jimmy Fallon
White Cop….John Goodman
Black Cop….Tim Meadows

(Opens with a cop car wailing its siren and pulling over a car to the side of the road at night. Perm haired brothers Kip and Wayne sit beside their car on a guardrail. A big white cop approaches them with a flashlight, his partner, a black cop, is behind him.)

White Cop: You gentlemen know you´re not supposed to get out of your vehicle until we tell ya´?

Wayne: Oh-oh, book us Dan-O!

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Do you want us to get back in?

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Forget it. You boys have any idea why we pulled you over?

Wayne: Don´t worry officer or should I say “occifer”. I´m not as think as you drunk I am.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: That´s right. We only had tee martoonis.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: He´s my designated driver. He drives me to drink.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: I don´t have a drinking problem. I drink, no problem.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: I´m sorry officers. My brother and I are a couple of cutups but I assure you, we´re completely sober.

Black Cop: Yeah, but you guys were 10 miles over the speed limit.

Kip: We were singing some golden oldies and got a little jazzed up.

Wayne: We just got off work. Would you guys like to guess what we do for a living?

Black Cop: Chia pets?

Wayne and Kip: Ooooohhhh!!!! Hahahahahahaha!!!

White Cop: You sell home perm kits?

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Good guesses, but wrong.

Kip: We caliber thermostats for industrial refrigerators.

(Wayne and Kip bang a rhythm on the guardrail and sing their jingle)

Wayne:(sing) You got 10,000 pounds of beef to be cool…

Kip:(sing) Here my friends is the only rule…

Wayne and Kip:(sing) Call the Bloder Brothers!

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Boy, if there were ever a reason for police brutality, this would be it.

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!(laugh)

White Cop: Ok Bloder brothers, can I see your license and registration?

Wayne: You can see me naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: You can see us both naked, if you want.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: We´ll dance the naked jig, if you want. You got the guns.

Black Cop: (getting angry) Just the license would be fine.

(Wayne gives his wallet to the white cop)

White Cop: You´re Wayne Bloder?

Wayne: Guilty.(giggles)

Kip: I´m the other Bloder, Kip.

(Brothers laugh)

(The Bloder Brothers do robot moves)

Wayne and Kip: (robot voices) And…we…are…the…Bloder…Brothers.

Black Cop: You guys think you´re really funny, don´t you?

Wayne: No, just good looking.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: Book these guys for public nuisance.

(Brothers laugh hard)

Wayne: Ouch! Help! I´ve been wounded.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Officers, I´d like to report an insult.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: (menacingly) You guys know what a nightstick is?

Wayne and Kip: Oh Boy!! (laugh)

White Cop: All right, stand up for me, Wayne.

Wayne: Oh, you got it. (Stands up)

White Cop: Ok, interlock your fingers behind your head Mr. Bloder.(Wayne complies and the white cop pats him down) Spread your legs.

Wayne: Oh, I didn´t think I was gonna get any tonight.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: Hey, aren´t you guys gonna buy him dinner first?

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Be gentle, I´m a first timer.

(Brothers laugh)

White Cop: (slaps the nightstick on his hand) You´re gonna need to shut your mouth, Mr. Bloder.

Wayne and Kip: Za-Zing!!(laugh)

Black Cop: Just shut up and walk a straight line!

Wayne: I´d like to use one of my lifelines if I could.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: And that is his final answer.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop:(angry) Walk a straight line!

(Wayne walks the line)

Wayne: I´ve been striking out with the ladies lately so I´m a little fuzzy on the meaning of “straight”.

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we strike out one more time, you can call us Sigfried and Roy.

(Brothers laugh)

Black Cop: Bloder brothers! Zip it! Final Warning!

Wayne and Kip: (quietly) Hi-yo.

White Cop: Mr. Bloder, pull out your arms, touch your nose.

(Wayne touches his nose and starts humming circus music)

Black Cop: Hey!!

Wayne: I didn´t say anything!

White Cop: What is your problem? We´re this close to taking you downtown, throwing you in a holding tank and let me tell you, it ain´t no party, so STOP LAUGHING!!

Wayne: (meekly) A laugh a day keeps the doctor away.

Kip: (meekly) Doctor, doctor, give me the news.

Black Cop: (dead serious) I´m gonna take this nightstick and hit you in the head.

Wayne: (voice breaking) Heads up. Oh, God.(cries)

Kip: (crying) Up, up and away.

(Wayne and Kip laugh and cry at the same time)

White Cop: I can´t believe this. You guys are a mess. Look at you. Laughing and crying at the same time.

Black Cop: Lets just let them go. Can you imagine driving back to the station with these two guys in the backseat?

White Cop: Fine by me. (gives Wayne back his wallet) Word of advice: slow it down, pull it together. (leaves)

Black Cop: (angry) I wish you guys were drunk, it would give me an excuse. (leaves)

Wayne: That was a close one.

Kip: Maybe that guy was right.

Wayne: Right about what?

Kip: I wish we were drunk too.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne: Want to go on a 3-day bender?

(Brothers laugh)

Kip: If we do it in the car, it´ll be a fender-bender.

(Brothers laugh)

Wayne and Kip: Hi-Yo!

(The Bloder Brothers get back in their car)

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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