SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 05/06/00: The Christopher Lowell Show


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 18

99r: John Goodman / Neil Young

The Christopher Lowell Show

Christopher Lowell…..Chris Kattan
Helen Gerard…..Ana Gasteyer
Ed Gerard…..John Goodman
Patrick Clifford…..Jimmy Fallon

Announcer: You’re watching the Discovery Channel.

Christopher Lowell: (in gay voice) I’m ChristopherLowell. Today we’ll teach you how to give your trash afaaabulous makeover. Well, stay tuned. We’ll give youlots of ideas on how on turning trash into treasure…nee-ee! On today’s Christopher Lowell Show!

(theme music plays)

Christopher Lowell: (gruff) Hi… (sissy) everyone!(normal gay voice) I’m Christopher Lowell. Today we’regoing to show you how to turn yesterday’s trashonablesinto unique fashionables! Ah-ah! Mmm. Because there’snothing better than enhancing your home by convertinguseless furniture into conversation pieces! Joining ustoday are the owners of Not Too Shab-by, a designstore just outside of San Diego, California, Ed andHelen Gerarrrd!!!

(Helen and Ed walk on the set. Ed looks just likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Welcome. Wow! So, how are you guysdoing?

Helen Gerard: Fine, thanks.

Ed Gerard: (in Christopher’s voice) Hi, Christopher.

Christopher Lowell: Hi-iii! So, you two are married,right?

Helen Gerard: Uh-huh.

Ed Gerard: Fourteen years. Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Nee-ee! I know how that feels. NO,I DON’T! Anyway, so, Helen, how did you two getinvolved in interior design?

Helen Gerard: Well, I’m an artist, specializing indecoupage.

Ed Gerard: And I used to work at Crate and Barrel.

Christopher Lowell: (gasps) Me too!

(Christopher and Ed scream)

Ed Gerard: That is super!

Christopher Lowell: Super-superrr!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah! Anyway, focus, focus,focussss. Now, Helen, tell us about your store, NotToo Shab-by.

Helen Gerard: Well, Christopher, we buy old furnitureand knicknacks from garage sales and flea markets, andthen we alter each item into an artistic piece for thehome.

Ed Gerard: Forrr example, this 19th century tea tablefrom China, is made of “muflabi,” which is a tropicalhardwood.

Christopher Lowell: (sarcastic) Hmm, tea for two.Nee-ee!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah! Anyway, we spruced it up for ourhome by box-painting the surfaccce, and then weattached little googly eyes we found at the statefair.

Christopher Lowell: So, it’s kind of like… it’s likea tea table? But, you can show it like a shelf piece,like, hang it up on your bathroom wall.

Ed Gerard: AAAAH!

Helen Gerard: What? What?

Ed Gerard: That’s exactly what we diddddd!

Christopher Lowell: That is so weird!

Ed Gerard: Mmm-mmm, really weirddd.

Christopher Lowell: Now, anyway, in my bedroom, I gotone of those 1940’s vintage telephones that I got at afleeea markettttt. But, to bring out the warmth of mybedroom, I wrapped the phone in this gorgeous Frenchlinen fabric. Ooh.

Ed Gerard: AAH! We covered our toaster in fabric, too!

Christopher Lowell: Please tell me it was chenille!

Ed Gerard: Yesssss!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mm!

Helen Gerard: (chuckles) I’m sorry, I just feel likeyou guys are having your own conversation and I don’tfeel like I’m part of it.

(Ed and Christopher stare at her, confused)

Christopher Lowell: Okay… (his beard is coming off)well, then, let’s just bring out our next guest. He’scurrently teaching a course… (beard is still comingoff) I haven’t looked in the mirror all day, so…(talks as beard is coming off) he’s currently teachinga course in interior design at Cal State Northridge.Please welcome, Patrick Clifforddd!

(Patrick Clifford enters. He also looks likeChristopher.)

Christopher Lowell: Patrick, what do you have for ustodayyy?

Patrick Clifford: Well, I took an old, dirty toiletseat that I found in the back of a Dairy Queen, turnedit into a decorative centerpiece by hustling somemacaroni along the border and sprinkling it with someglitter.

Christopher Lowell: (confused) Gorgeous… (beard isstill coming off) Helen, Ed, would you uh, like to addanything?

Helen Gerard: Sure. I just want to say that no matterwhat style you decorate your personal space with, itis important to mix and match.

Patrick Clifford: Mix and match? That’s exactly what Itold my students!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Ah-ah!

Patrick Clifford: Mmm-mmm!

Ed Gerard: Ah-ah!

Christopher Lowell: Mmm-mmm!

Patrick Clifford: Ah-ah!

(Christopher, Ed, and Patrick constantly continuemaking gay noises)

Helen Gerard: Guys, would you guys just STOP IT? Getyour hands out of your mouths! Stop! Jeez!

(theme music starts, gay noises stop)

Christopher Lowell: Ohh! That’s our cue! Hurry back!

(gay noises resume, Helen yells at Christopher, Ed,and Patrick until fade)

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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