Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 18
99r: John Goodman / Neil Young
Who Wants to Be a Millionaire: Celebrity Edition
Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
Emeril Lagasse…..John Goodman
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
David Duchovny…..Chris Kattan
Kathie Lee Gifford…..Cheri Oteri
Vanessa L. Williams…..Tim Meadows
Lance Bass…..Chris Parnell
[The “Millionaire” title card appears and then fades to set where Regis is standing.]
Regis Philbin: Thank you, thank you. Wonderful. Thank you, thank you, thank you, everybody. Welcome to “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?” Now, you know, tonight is a very special show. Tonight, some very talented celebrities have joined us to raise some money for their favorite charities. They are: Emeril Lagasse, Fall River, Minnesota. Rosie O’Donnell, Commack, New York. David Duchovny, New York City. Kathie Lee Gifford, Bowie, Maryland. Vanessa L. Williams, Chappequa, New York. Lance Bass, Flash in the Pan, Florida. All right, how we feeling, gang?
Rosie O’Donnell: Regis rules! You’re a cutie patootie, Regis!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Take it down a notch, chub club. Ha ha! Ha ha!
Rosie O’Donnell: I love her! I love her!
[The screen fades to read this message:]
DISNEY HAS
TAKEN ABC AWAY
FROM YOU
Disney has once again
decided to punish
Time Warner cable
customers by cancelling
ABC. In response, we
at Time Warner will
construct a giantic
Mickey Mouse and piss
all over it. Screw you,
Disney. You may own
ABC, but we’ve got a
little company maybe
you’ve heard of called
<u>AOL?</u> And kudos for
basing your entire
primetime schedule
on a f**king game show.
[Fade back to studio]
Regis Philbin: Now, all right. Okay, that’s $1000 for you so far, David Duchovny. Now, you’re playing for the Johns Hopkins University Children’s Hospital. What do they specialize in?
David Duchovny: Children.
[The screen fades again to read this message:]
DISNEY HAS
TAKEN YOUR DIGNITY
AWAY FROM YOU
Michael Eisner, I swear
to God, we at Time
Warner are going to
beat your fat ass with
a garden shovel…
P.S., “Dharma and Greg”
sucks!
[Fade back to the studio.]
[SUPER: Who was the last horse to win the Triple Crown? A: Man of War, B: Secretariat, C: Seattle Slaw, D: Affirmed]
Regis Philbin: Oh, come on, come on,Kathie Lee, we’re waiting for your answer.
Kathie Lee Gifford: I don’t know the damn answer, Reege. Okay? So just shut your trap and get me one of my lifelines.
Regis Philbin: I guess you’re going to call your husband, Frank Gifford.
Kathie Lee Gifford: No. Little secret about Frank – great in the sack, but not a bright man. Let’s call Gelman. That little fruit knows everything.
Regis Philbin: All right, AT&T, get Gelman on the line.
[phone rings and Gelman comes on the line]
Gelman: Hello?
Regis Philbin: Gelman, this is Regis. The next voice you will hear will be that of Satan!
Kathie Lee Gifford: Ha ha! Reege, I really don’t like you.
Regis Philbin: All right.
[The screen fades again with another message:]
DISNEY HAS
TAKEN RUNNING WATER
AWAY FROM YOU
If you are a Time
Warner customer, start
hoarding bottled water.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Now, Emeril, are you ready to play?
Emeril Lagasse: Bam! Bam! Pow! Bam!
Regis Philbin: Ha ha ha ha! That’s wonderful.
[The screen fades to this Scandinavian message:]
DISNEY HAS
TAKEN DENMARK AWAY
FROM SCANDINAVIA
Orst Kirgokg tak Juden
vibeke lein arhus
neilsson Time Warner
asboeten.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Is it: A, Colonel Mustard. B, Montreal, Quebec. C, Lethal Injection, or D, Cunnilingus?
[The screen fades again to another message:]
THE ‘I LOVE YOU’ COMPUTER
VIRUS HAS
SHUT DOWN DISNEY
How does it feel to
be shut down, Disney,
huh? Suck on that!
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Vanessa L. Williams, I see that – I see that you’re expecting, and congratulations. You look absolutely radiant.
Vanessa L. Williams: Would you quit staring at my jugs?
[The screen fades one more time to reveal this message:]
DISNEY HAS
TAKEN ELIAN GONZALEZ
AWAY FROM HIS FATHER
6-year old Cuban
refugee Elian Gonzalez
has been kidnapped by
Disney and is being
forced to appear in the
movie, “Toy Story 3”.
[Fade back to studio.]
Regis Philbin: Lance Bass from *NSYNC, for $250,000, what is the question – the answer to this question? Where will you be in five years: A, Still with *NSYNC. B, A solo artist. C, Homeless. D, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Submitted by: Mike S.
