Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 19
St. Pauly Girl…..Britney Spears
Pat Sullivan…..Jimmy Fallon
[ set at a Colonial Museum, and shown from the cameraman’s point-of-view, following each teenager as they speak ]
St. Pauly Girl: [ hands tight on a butter churner ] This is the way the Colonial settlers made their butter, with fresh cream and a little bit of salt. It would take almost four hours just to get one quart of butter. Would anyone like to take a churn?
Denise: Yeah! Over here! Let him do it! He’s got a lot fo practice!
Pat Sullivan: [ laughing ] Yeah! I’m familiar ith the motion!
Denise: Yeah! He churns it about four times a day!
St. Pauly Girl: Okay, come on up!
Denise: Oh, my Gawd! Oh my Gawd!
Pat Sullivan: [ running to the front of the crowd ] Hey, Tommy, get me churning next to the St. Pauly Girl!
St. Pauly Girl: What’s your name, Patriot?
Pat Sullivan: My name’s Pat Sullivan, and that’s my girl, Denise, over there!
Denise: Yeah! But call me “Zazou!“
Pat Sullivan: Alright, I’m on my Senior class trip, out here at Lexington, Mass., homestate of Paul Revere, John Hancock, and.. [ turns around to show off the back of his Red Sox jersey ] ..Nomar! Nomar!
St. Pauly Girl: Okay, you want to churn? [ Pat takes the handle and churns happily ] Ooh, wow.. [ feels his arms ] You’ve got strong arms. He would have definitely survived the hardships of a Colonial lifestyle.
Hey! Martha Washington! I can’t understand a freakin’ word ya sayin’! That accent makes ya sound retodded!
Pat Sullivan: You are!
Denise: You are!
St. Pauly Girl: Both y’all are.
Pat Sullivan: Hey, uh, where’d you get that dress, Ye Olde House o’ Juggery?
St. Pauly Girl: Shut up, you’re messing me up. [ Pat mimcks the St. Pauly Girl’s breasts to the camera ] Okay, continue down to the next signpost, where Chris Paul’s gonna show you how to make johnny cakes. [ everyone leaves, except for Pat and Denise ] Bye. Bye, everyone. [ sits down ] Ugh! It is hot as a crotch out here.
Pat Sullivan: [ hands her a drink box ] Here! Drink this!
Denise: Yeah! It’s Wyler’s grape juice, Cognac, and wahm Tussin!
Pat Sullivan: Yeah! I call it the “Zazou Panty Remover”!
Denise: Oh, shut up!
Pat Sullivan: You shut up! [ they make out ]
St. Pauly Girl: My friends and I, we used to make a drink like this.
Pat Sullivan: Weird.
St. Pauly Girl: We used to put peanuts at the bottom of it..
Denise: [ outraged ] Peanuts?! No, Sir!
Pat Sullivan: No, Sir!
Denise: That is rank!
St. Pauly Girl: [ grabbing Pat’s arm ] Are you Irish? I like Irish guys.
Denise: Uh, yeah, he is! That’s why he bought me this claddagh! [ shows her ring to the camera ]
St. Pauly Girl: Oh, my goodness, that is so pretty.. you have good taste.
Pat Sullivan: Did you get that, Tommy?
St. Pauly Girl: [ curious ] Why are y’all taping this?
Pat Sullivan: Uh.. this is for our American Studies final..
Denise: Yeah, we’re supposed to write a report on the early settlers.
Pat Sullivan: Yeah, I do all my reports on video, because I suffer from several as-yet-unnamed learning disabilities.
Denise: He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years!
Pat Sullivan: Swear to Gawd!
Denise: Yeah! His mother’s breastmilk’s like Bailey’s Irish Cream!
Pat Sullivan: That’s neither here nor there!
Denise: She’s no stranger to the inside of a squad car – believe me!
St. Pauly Girl: That’s so sad..
Denise: Hey! Is it hard to get a job here!
St. Pauly Girl: Hey, you don’t want to work here. The money sucks, and the guy who plays Thomas Jefferson is a total perv. There’s just no jobs around here.
Pat Sullivan: Yeah! The job market’s really ridiculous right now.
Denise: Yeah! I got fired from Thom McCann for using a foot measurer inappropriately!
Pat Sullivan: Apparently, my weiner is a ladies size 5! [ Denise makes out with him ]
Frank: [ stumbling up ] Denise! Denise! We missed the bus!
Denise: [ smacking Frank’s arm ] Frank, you were supposed to come get us!
Frank: I lost track of time. I went in the gift shop and bought this fafe! [ holds up a fife ]
Pat Sullivan: Tommy, we missed our bus!
Denise: Aw, crap!
Pat Sullivan: Aw!
Denise: No way!
Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!
Pat Sullivan: This is not happenin’!
Denise: Seriously! [ notices Frank’s fife ] That is a sweet fife!
Frank: Yeah, I got it for my mom for Mom’s Day.
Pat Sullivan: [ to the St. Pauly Girl ] Alright, we are separated from our pahty. What would the early settlers have done?
St. Pauly Girl: Now, I mostly just know how to make butter.. but, um.. if you really get stuck, you could stay with me. Those two can sleep in the basement, but you can sleep on the floor in my room.
Denise: Ah.. not gonna happen, Betsy Rahss!
St. Pauly Girl: Uh.. maybe you wanna let him answer.
Pat Sullivan: Sorry, uh.. Milk Maiden.. you may be extremely hot.. but what my girl Zazou lacks in beauty, charm, polish, and general physical health, she makes up with her warm personality and her promisicuous sexual practices. And I love her.
Denise: You are so gay!
Pat Sullivan: You are. [ they make out ]
Frank: [ approaches the St. Pauly Girl ] What’s up? I’m Frank.
St. Pauly Girl: You’d better get going, ’cause my next group’s coming in, and I haven’t cleaned the cream off my pole yet.
Denise: [ excited ] The “cream off your pole”?!
Pat Sullivan: Tommy, please tell me you got that![ Tommy shakes the video camera “yes”, as Pat and Denise make out some more ] [ fade ]