SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: TV Funhouse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

TV Funhouse

Lead Dancer…..Horatio Sanz

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!
They are taking on evil, come what may
They are fighting all crime to save the day.
They’re extremely close in an ambiguous way.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
They’re ambiguoysly gay.
The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

Announcer: The Ambiguously Gay Duo! Tonight’s episode: “Trouble Coming Twice”.

[ open on the evil lair of Big Head and Dr. Brainio, as they admire a demonic metal bird ]

Big Head: It’s deliciously demonic, Dr. Brainio!

Brainio: Then, it is set. We shall release the creature at the NBA Championship, and address the world with our orders.

Big Head: And once we have outed those do-gooders, Ace and Gary, no one will stop us!

Brainio: Beg pardon? Outed them?

Big Head: Before the game. Tell him, Orbotrox!

Orbotrox: [ I heard they hang out at a bar called The Greasy Pole ]

Brainio: Oh, the gay thing. I suppose all partners are gay. Were Abbot & Costello gay?

Orbotrox: [ That’s different ]

Big Head: You know Laurel & Hardy were.

[ cut to Commissioner’s office, as he talks to Gary on the phone, with the Police Chief listening in intently ]

Commissioner: Ace! Gary! We think there may be foul play at the game tonight!

[ show Ace & Gary doing exercises, shirtless with their legs hanging in the air ]

Ace: We’ll be there, Commissioner.

Commissioner: Uh.. what are you doing right now? [ whispering ] The Chief asked.

Ace: Gary and I are in the middle of a hot workout.

Chief: You know what that means!

Commissioner: Quiet!

Ace: We’re doing some squat thrusts!

Commissioner: [ groans ]

Ace: We’ll have to go undercover and stay around the arena.

Gary: You got it, Ace!

[ Ace & Gary run off ] [ cut to Big Head and Brainio spying on gay bars The Greasy Pole and Man Hole ]

Big Head: They won’t see us from here.

Brainio: Hmm.. Orbotrox, I didn’t know you were such an expert on gay bars..

Orbotrox: [ Back off, Dickweed! It’s research. ] [ cut to Ace & Gary disguised as an Indian and a biker, walking past gay bars like the Oily Faucet ]

Ace: These disguises are perfect, Gary! No one will recognize us as an Indian Chief and a bike enthusiast.

Big Head: [ watching in hiding ] Halleluah!

Orbotrox: [ Ha! Friggin’ ‘mos! ]

Ace: Let’s blend in – at one of these watering holes.

[ Ace & Gary enter a sports bar called O’Hetero’s ]

Brainio: Nice call, evil geniuses.

Orbotrox: [ Kiss my ass! We’ve got a Plan B! ] [ Ace & Gary run out of O’Hetero’s, as bottles are thrown in their direction ]

Gary: Why is everyone picking fights with us, Ace?

Ace: I’m afraid the Native American has a few more hills to climb, friend o’ friends.

[ suddenly, they encounter Big Head and Brainio disguised as hookers ]

Big Head: Hey, big fellas! Here’s where you ought to go! We’ve got all ages and races! Right, Fung Lee?

Orbotrox: [ I’m hung like a… I can’t do this. ]

Ace: It’s Big Head!

Gary: And Brainio!

Brainio: Uh-oh.. [ presses a remote control, releasing the demonic bird above the NBA arena ] [ with the villains in the back of the supermobile ] You scoundrel! You’re coming with us!

Big Head: Care to re-assess?

[ the demonic bird crashes into the NBA Championships, where it begins to chew on Bob Costas ] [ Ace & Gary blast their phallic-shaped supermobile into the arena to save the day ]

Ace: The tender balls of heat will slow him down!

[ balls of heat burst out the shaft of the supermobile, and stick upon the demonic bird’s long neck ]

Brainio: [ mortified ] Oh.. my.. God..

Orbotrox: [ Oh, my God. ]

Ace: Try and disable his beak, Gary.

[ Ace sits on the bird’s back, as Gary compresses the beak and blows air into it ]

Ace: Harder, Gary.. harder! Grip it! Slap it!

[ Gary is now straddled around the bird’s neck, as he continues to grip its beak ]

Ace: That’s it! Yes! Rock it, Gary!

Gary: That’s enough, big guy!

[ the crowd stares in horror at the scene ]

Ace: What’s everyone looking at?

Crowd: Nothing!!

Announcer: Have Ace & Gary saved the NBA?

[ preview Ace & Gary entering team locker room, where players are clad only in towels ]

Ace: Coby. Shaq. Everyone okay in here?

[ nervous ] Um.. yeah.. we’re cool..

Announcer: Tune in next week, same ambiguous time for..

Jingle: “The Ambiguously Gay Duo!”

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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