Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 19
Guiliani’s Press Conference
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani…..Darrell Hammond
Hillary Clinton…..Ana Gasteyer
Mayor Rudolph Guiliani: Thank you all for coming. As you know, this has been a chaotic time, it’s been a difficult time for me. I was diagnosed with prostate cancer, which, I guess, is the closest I’ll ever come to playing for the Yankees! [ laughs ] But I’m confident about my recovery. I’ve got a team of doctors who are gonna get in there and really treat my rectum like it’s Time Square. That’s right – we’re gonna clean it up, we’re gonna get the bad element out, we’re gonna make it a healthy place, safe for families to visit. Now, earlier this week, I surprised my wife with an early Mother’s Day gift by announcing our seperation. I prefer to spend time with my good friend, Judith Nathan. And to my critics, who accuse me of leaving my wife for a younger, more beautiful woman: I assure you, Judith Nathan is 46 and not that good looking. Now, you can see that, with all that is going on in my private life, politics is not my top priority. In fact, these are my top priorities:
#1. Fix my prostate.
#2. Hang out at cigar bars with my new lady.
#3. Blindside my wife with an announcement about the fate of our family.
#4. Root hard for the Yankees!
#5. Get my cops to stop shooting all the black people.[ laughs ] I’m here to decide whether I will remain in the Senate race. But I wish to thank everyone for their outpouring of support – even my opponent, Hillary Clinton, has been extremely supportive. In fact, she has asked to say a few words on my behalf. Hillary? [ Hillary Clinton steps up to the podium ]
Hillary Clinton: Good afternoon, fellow New Yorkers. I stand behind Rudy’s decision to prioritize his private life. These.. things.. happen! People work long hours together, attachments are made, indescretions happen – repeatedly. Marital infidelity strikes in over 50% in American households, and over 97% of political households. Just look at Newt Gingrich.. John McCain.. Bob Packwood.. Clarence Thomas.. Chuck Robb.. Dick Morris.. Gary Hart.. Henry Cisneros.. that guy before Dennis Hastert.. and of course, the one that brought me great personal anguish – Henry Hyde. Rudy is merely joining the ranks of these great men. Men in politics who have a lot of great charism and charm. They can’t help it if women are drawn to them – or so I’ve been told.. repeatedly. Now, if I might offer a few words of advice to Rudy’s wife, Donna Hanover, to ease the pain: take some time for you. Have a facial, lunch with friends, run for Senate.. and most important, if by chance you run into your husband’s girlfriend on the street, look her straight in her fat little face, and in a quiet, calm voice, say, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“