Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 19
Morning Latte
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears
Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!
Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?
Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!
Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.
Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.
Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.
Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?
Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.
Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.
Tom and Cass: No..not good.
Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.
Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him
[ both bow heads ]
Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?
Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?
Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)
Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”
Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!
Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.
Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –
Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]
Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.
Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!
Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.
Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.
Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!
[ they repeat this a few times ]
Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!
Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!
Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.
Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.
Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.
[ Dawn walks in ]
Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.
Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?
Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.
Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.
Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]
Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)
Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.
Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.
Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.
Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.
Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.
Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…
Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.
Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?
Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?
Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?
Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!
Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!
Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!
Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!
Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!
Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!
Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]
Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.
Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!
Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!
Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!
Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.
Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.
Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]
Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!
Cass van Rye: I wanna be down with the bitches.
[ they dance to fade ]
Submitted by: Kim Pyfer
Throughout this grand scheme of things you actually receive an A+ with regard to hard work. Where you misplaced me personally ended up being on your specifics. You know, it is said, details make or break the argument.. And that couldn’t be much more true in this article. Having said that, permit me say to you what exactly did give good results. The authoring can be pretty powerful and that is possibly why I am making an effort in order to comment. I do not make it a regular habit of doing that. Secondly, even though I can see a leaps in reason you come up with, I am not really confident of exactly how you appear to connect your details which make your conclusion. For the moment I shall subscribe to your issue but hope in the foreseeable future you connect the dots better.
I found this very helpful and will be sharing it with my friends.
Well done! This article provides a lot of value.
Thanks for expressing your ideas. I might also like to express that video games have been ever evolving. Modern tools and innovations have made it simpler to create authentic and active games. Most of these entertainment video games were not really sensible when the actual concept was first of all being experimented with. Just like other designs of know-how, video games too have had to evolve via many years. This itself is testimony towards the fast progression of video games.
There are actually a lot of particulars like that to take into consideration. That may be a nice point to bring up. I provide the thoughts above as general inspiration however clearly there are questions just like the one you deliver up where the most important thing will likely be working in trustworthy good faith. I don?t know if best practices have emerged around issues like that, but I am sure that your job is clearly identified as a good game. Each boys and girls really feel the influence of just a moment’s pleasure, for the rest of their lives.
Your perspective on this topic is very interesting. Thanks for the detailed explanation.