SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 05/13/00: Morning Latte


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 19

99s: Britney Spears

Morning Latte

Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears

Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!

Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!

Cass van Rye: How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!

Cass van Rye: How hot is it?

Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?

Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!

Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.

Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.

Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.

Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?

Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.

Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.

Tom and Cass: No..not good.

Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.

Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him

[ both bow heads ]

Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?

Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?

Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)

Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!

Cass van Rye: Come on!

Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!

Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!

Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”

Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!

Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.

Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.

Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –

Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]

Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.

Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!

Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.

Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.

Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!

[ they repeat this a few times ]

Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!

Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!

Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!

Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.

Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.

Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.

[ Dawn walks in ]

Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.

Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?

Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.

Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.

Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]

Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)

Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?

Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.

Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.

Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.

Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.

Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?

Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.

Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]

Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.

Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…

Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.

Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?

Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?

Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?

Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –

Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!

Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!

Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.

Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!

Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!

Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!

Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!

Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!

Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!

Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!

Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]

Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.

Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!

Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!

Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!

Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!

Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!

Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.

Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.

Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]

Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!

Cass van Rye: I wanna be down with the bitches.

[ they dance to fade ]

Submitted by: Kim Pyfer

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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