Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 19
Tom Wilkins…..Will Ferrell
Cass Van Rye…..Cheri Oteri
Dawn Paslowsky…..Britney Spears
Tom Wilkins: Woo! Good morning! I’m Tom Wilkins!
Cass van Rye: I’m Cass Van Rye! Hey! How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable!
Cass van Rye: How hot is it?
Tom Wilkins: Unbearable! Geez! Has anyone heard from Spring?
Cass van Rye: Hey Janet Reno, did you stick a gun in Spring’s face and force it back to Cuba, too? There! I said it!
Tom Wilkins: She said it! Summer just showed up out of nowhere! It’s like a visit from you, Cass – unannounced and uncomfortable.
Cass van Rye: And the Latte is without air conditioning! What gives? The change in the temperature is giving me laryngitis.
Tom Wilkins: Kinda nice, it’s kinda nice.
Cass van Rye: Hey, what’s the deal with the AC, fellas? Did it break?
Tom Wilkins: No, actually I heard that the station refused to pay the bill because we are the lowest rated show on television. [ pause ] And that includes cable.
Cass van Rye: Here’s Ainsley Harriot.. [ motions with hands ] ..and here’s us. Not good.
Tom and Cass: No..not good.
Cass van Rye: Man, I’m sweating like a prostitute in church.
Tom Wilkins: Speaking of church, we lost a good one this week – Cardinal Carol O’Conner. He will be missed. Let’s have a moment of silence for him
[ both bow heads ]
Cass van Rye: [ raises head before even a beat ] Hey did you see “Gladiator”?
Tom Wilkins: No, no, but I heard about it. What’s it about?
Cass van Rye: It was about gladiators in ancient Roman times, and that’s fine, that’s fine, but this is what’s giving me a red rump – I’ve been to the Colliseum, gang, and it does not look like that! It’s a mess! Half of it’s down! (she motions)
Tom Wilkins: Half of it’s down! I’ve seen pictures! I think they should just tear the whole thing down! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Come on!
Tom Wilkins: Build a Coconut Records, a Pizza Hut, I don’t know! Do something with that land!
Cass van Rye: Get on the stick!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, speaking of historical epics, catch “Viva Rock Vegas”
Cass van Rye: Oooh, the Flintstones sequel! Yea yea!
Tom Wilkins: I’m telling you! Not only was it funny, but you really felt like you were in prehistoric olden times.
Cass van Rye: Yeah..yeah.
Tom Wilkins: Or the Paleolithic Era. And by Paleolithic, I mean –
Cass van Rye: One who collects stamps. [ demonstrates ]
Tom Wilkins: No no, no – the Stone Age.
Cass van Rye: The Stone Age! [ acts out throwing stones ] Yeah!
Tom Wilkins: Stone Age, yeah.
Cass van Rye: You know what? I’ll tell ya, they can make a hundred Flintstones sequels and it won’t be enough.
Tom Wilkins: Won’t be enough. Keep ’em comin’!
[ they repeat this a few times ]
Cass van Rye: Yabba Dabba Doo!
Tom Wilkins: Yeah! It’s hot! Yeah! It’s hot!
Cass van Rye: Yeah! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: Hey, let’s bring out our first guest! Yeah, this young woman wrote a tell-all book about the seedy, corrupt underbelly of the new Mickey Mouse Club TV show. Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Tom, you know, I actually opened this book, and you know that I don’t care for books.
Tom Wilkins: No, you don’t.. no.. anyone who watched the show knew stuff was goin’ down.
Cass van Rye: Please welcome the author of “Mousetrap” – Dawn Paslowsky.
[ Dawn walks in ]
Cass van Rye: Hi Dawn.
Dawn Paslowsky: What up, yo?
Cass van Rye: Alright.. now, Dawn, now I believe that people should be judged solely based on their appearance. And I’m gonna tell you, I think you look very tough and hard.
Tom Wilkins: I’m with Cass, I’m scared right now.
Cass van Rye: Please don’t cut me! [ motions ]
Dawn Paslowsky: You know, you can chill. I only cut people if they get all up in my face, in my business, so you can chill (sounds more like “chee-o”)
Tom Wilkins: Fair Enough. Alright. Now Dawn, you were a Mouseketeer for only 4 days. What the heck happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: Yo, Disney is Wack! I mean, they made me cover my tattoos, take out my piercins, and they tried to confiscate my box cutter. They tried to turn me into somethin’ I aint, and I don’t front. I don’t front.
Tom Wilkins: She does not front, so don’t ask her.
Dawn Paslowsky: See, and from the beginning, I knew they was out to get me, and I don’t play like that. I don’t front.
Cass van Rye: Gang, she’s putting the foot down on the fronting.
Tom Wilkins: Hey, I understand from Chapter 12 of your book, entitled, “Another Time I Was Mad”, that you were confronted by fellow Mouseketeer 11-year-old Britney Spears. What happened?
Dawn Paslowsky: See, Britney Spears was a stuck up playa hayta. She was always showin’ up on time, knowin’ her lines, and showerin’ and stuff, and she stole all my dope moves like this one. [ demonstrates ] And I invented that one in ’91, when I was 8, a-ight? I ain’t shady.
Cass van Rye: Ok, she aint shady and she doesn’t front. [ motioning with hands again ]
Tom Wilkins: Yeah.. yeah I heard her.
Cass van Rye: She said she.. [ turns to Tom ] ..ain’t shady…
Tom Wilkins: I heard her. [ pushes her face back toward Dawn ] Turn around.
Cass van Rye: Dawn, tell us – what was the final nail in the Camel’s back for you?
Dawn Paslowsky: Huh?
Tom Wilkins: No,no, Cass. What was the final straw the broke the coffin?
Dawn Paslowsky: it goes like this – Britney started sniffin’ ’round my man Justin Timberlake and –
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Justin who was also a Mouseketeer – also a Mouseketeer, but is currently in the speed metal trio *NSYNC. Check ’em out! Check ’em out!
Tom Wilkins: Check ’em out!
Dawn Paslowsky: I mean, I told her to step off and she was like, “What?” and I was like, “No, you don’t” and she was like, “Huh?” and I was like, “Uh-uh” and and then I set her hair on fire. You see her hair now? She’s wearin’ a wig.
Cass van Rye: Ooh, Dawn is one tough cookie!
Tom Wilkins: She’s like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie!
Tom Wilkins: Like a pit bull!
Cass van Rye: Tough Cookie! Like PM Dawn!
Tom Wilkins: Red Dawn!
Cass van Rye: Yeah, Dawn cuts the grease!
Tom Wilkins: Here comes confrontation.. [ raises his hand next to Cass’ head ] ..and here comes Dawn. [ smacks hand into other hand, and also into Cass’ head ]
Dawn Paslowsky: I just represent, yo. I just represent.
Cass van Rye: You know who doesn’t represent? Our network! It is HOT!
Tom Wilkins: Hot! Yeah!
Cass van Rye: Come on gang! It’s hot!
Tom Wilkins: And you know what? It’s going to get hotter, because, coming up next, Mr. Peabo Bryson!
Cass van Rye: [ puts hand over heart ] Ohh!
Tom Wilkins: If he hasn’t melted backstage.
Cass van Rye: Oh, I love that man.
Dawn Paslowsky: Damn, it is hot in here. [ checks pits ]
Tom Wilkins: Hey, if you wouldn’t mind, teach us that move again when you touch yourself, yeah!
Cass van Rye: I wanna be down with the bitches.
[ they dance to fade ]
Submitted by: Kim Pyfer