Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 19
Deandra Wells Comeback Tour
Gordon Davis…..Will Ferrell
Alan “Sticks” McRae…..Chris Parnell
Donny Gordon…..Horatio Sanz
Deandra Wells…..Ana Gasteyer
[ open on exterior, Las Vegas, night ]
[ a sign outside the Westward Ho advertises: “DEANDRA WELLS Feel The Love Tour” ]
[ dissolve to interior, as Deandra Wells’ back-up band performs “Mandy” for the crowd ]
[ the audience applauds their performance ]
Gordon Davis: Thank you! Thank you so much! Thanks again for being so patient. In just a few minutes, the lady herself — Ms. Deandra Wells — will take the stage. While we’re waiting, let me introduce you to the band. Mr. Alan “Sticks” McRae on drums. [ Alan beats a lick to his own delight, as Grodon shrugs ] And on bass, our resident smart-aleck — Donny Gordon. [ the pipe-toting Donny strums his bass and spins it around, as Gordon laughs ] And… the incomparable Gordon Davis on piano. [ he acts with mock surprise ] Hey, that’s me! Okay, folks — [ an attendant leans over the piano to whisper a message to Gordon ] Alright. Looks like we’re all set. Fellas? [ the band plays Deandra’s entrance music ] We’re so truly blessed to have worked with this legendary musical superstar for the past four decades. Ladies and gentlemen, the diva of all divas — the Queen of song — Deandra Wells!
[ Deandra Wells emerges from behind a curtain, nearly tripping as she makes her entrance ]
Deandra Wells: Thank you so much! Thank you, thank you so, so much! Ohhhhhh, feel the love! Feel the love! how wonderful it must be for all of you to be here with me. Ohhh! [ sings ] “In a child’s mind…” [ audience applauds ] My first platinum hit — thanks for remembering! THank you! I’m not too happy with the sound system, but we’ll try and make a go of it.
[ singing ]
“In a child’s mind
A dream can be just a… balloon.
But in a woman’s heart
A dream floats away much too soon.”
[ the audience applauds more ]
Ohhhh, thank you so much! hank you! [ to the band ] Could we take this way down? Could we take this way down? I want to sing this real quiet for the people. Real quiet. They’re so special! [ looks out into the audience ] Oh, look at you, girl! You are HUGE! And you are beautiful! Oh, God bless every INCH of you! Ohhhhhh!! [ as Gordon plays the piano ] Shh shh shh shh shh!! Let’s bring it down — let’s bring it way down. [ Gordon softens his playing ] Let’s bring it way down.
Gordon Davis: [ grabs his microphone ] We’re way down, now.
Deandra Wells: Shh, shh shh shh shh shh!! Shh shh shh shh shh!! [ pause ] A little louder. A little louder, I need something. I need something!
Gordon Davis: [ annoyed ] I don’t know what you want, Deandra!
Deandra Wells: I want you to do your job, Boo-Boo! [ to the audience ] Boo-Boo Davis, everybody! Boo-Boo Davis —
Gordon Davis: [ correcting her ] Gordon Davis!
Deandra Wells: I call him Boo-Boo ’cause he makes a lot of mistakes! [ she cracks up laughing ] But I keep in the family, ’cause he’s just like one of me! You know what I mean? I love you, Boo. I love you, Boo!
[ the expression on Gordon’s face reveals that he’s not the least bit amused. It is clear that he would like to leap over his piano and strangle Deandra. ]
Deandra Wells: [ sings a couple more bars of “Through a Child’s Eyes” ] You know, we would have done this tour a lot earlier, but the guys all took some time off. Doing the solo thing. But, lucky for me, they all failed! [ she chuckles ] Boo-Boo, especially! [ approaches Gordon ] Boo-Boo? Boo-Boo, look at me — in the eye. Boo-Boo, look me right here in the eyes. [ Gordon doesn’t avert his gaze ] I know when you’re looking at me and when you’re not. Boo-Boo, look me right here. [ Gordon slowly turns his head towards Deandra ] There you go. [ she raises her finger ] When you are here on this stage — with me — you will never be a joke.
[ Gordon stares at Deandra with contempt, as she begins singing again ]
Deandra Wells: [ singing ]
“Through a child’s eye
A tree makes a castle… of lo-o-ove!
But on a woman’s face, the tears fit her cheek like a glo-o-o-o-ove.”
You know, I first sang this song with Mr. Neil Sedaka, but, unfortunately, he could not be here with us tonight. So Boo-Boo’s gonna help me out with the duet part. And he doesn’t do too well under pressure, so let’s keep our fingers crossed, okay?
[ singing ] “In a child’s mouth…”
Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “A lollipop can ta-aste so swee-eet!”
Deandra Wells: He’s no Sedaka, I know.
[ singing ] “But to a woman’s ear…”
Gordon Davis: [ singing off-key ] “The sound of good-bye is no treat.”
Deandra Wells: Ooooohhhh!! One of us is flat!
[ singing together ]
“Keep the woman-child inside your woman
Don’t let her run away.
Keep the woman-child –“
[ high-pitched feedback suddenly occurs ]
Owww!!! Ow! This SHOCKED me, DAMMIT!!
Gordon Davis: [ snarkily ] Good.
Deandra Wells: You can go to HELL, Boo-Boo!!
Alan “Sticks” McRae: [ jumps to his feet ] NO!! YOU go to HELL, Deandra!! Did you ever ONCE go to one of his solo shows?!! Even once?!! Did you know that he was nominated for a Grammy, for Best Spoken Recording?!! He has the voice of an angel!! [ he sits ]
Donny Gordon: Hey, you know what?! Never, EVER, make us stand in alphabetical order at the card table while YOU write our OUR checks!!
Gordon Davis: And you listen!! You LISTEN, you DIVA WHORE!! Don’t you ever, EVER, shove me down the steps of the tour bus again!! And, starting RIGHT NOW, I DO NOT babysit your Italian greyhound!! GOT IT?!! [ Deandra is stunned, so Gordon jumps up and pinches her ] YOU GOT IT?!! [ Deandra backs off ] GOOD!!
[ a stunned Deandra turns to face the crowd, then flourishes her arms ]
Deandra Wells: Thank you so much, thank you so much! [ singing ] “In a child’s mind…” Feel the love — feel the love, everybody! Come on! [ singing ] “A dream can be just a… balloon.” It’s all about love — it’s all about you all loving me! Thank you so much!
[ fade ]