Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 20
The Men At The Center Of The Earth
American Man…..Will Ferrell
Chinese Man…..Jackie Chan
French Man…..Chris Parnell
Ghanaian Man…..Tracy Morgan
Ecuadorian Man…..Horatio Sanz
[In a hole, a man is digging.]
American Man: Ten million . . . ten million and one . . . ten million and two. Whoo! Take a break. Ten million and two. [Takes a drink from a water bottle.] Well, Gabriel, old boy, they said you couldn’t do it. They said you were crazy. “You can’t dig a hole all the way to China! You’ll never make it!” [Laughs.] But soon you’re gonna prove them wrong. Soon you’ll be in China. [Goes back to digging.] Ten million and three . . . [He stops, hearing another voice somewhere.] What the hell?
[A Chinese man, also with a shovel, bursts through the dirt wall.]
American Man: Who are you?
Chinese Man: [Says something in Chinese.] What?
American Man: Huh? Who are you?
Chinese Man: Who are you, in my hole to America?
American Man: Your hole to America? How dare you! This is MY hole to China! You’ve ruined it!
Chinese Man: No! You are in my way! You turn around and go back!
American Man: Me, turn around? No, no, I’m not going to let you just use my hole like it’s your own hole!
Chinese Man: This is MY hole!
American Man: No, siree! No, siree! Okay? My name is Gabriel Ziskin! I started digging this hole in my backyard in Patterson, New Jersey four months ago, okay, after a fight with my wife! And let me tell you, I did not say to her, “To hell with you, I’m going to dig a hole halfway to China!” Now, get out of my way!
Chinese Man: No way!
American Man: Okay, we’ll see about that.
Chinese Man: I’ve been digging a hole five –
[More digging is heard.]
American Man: Wait, hang on. What’s that noise?
[A third man, from France, also bursts into the hole with the Chinese and American men.]
French Man: [Says some stuff in French.]
American Man: Oh, for God’s sake!
Chinese Man: Why are you in my hole to America?
French Man: Your hole to America? This is my hole, to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean!
American Man: Why would you want to dig a hole to the bottom of the Pacific Ocean?
French Man: I have my reasons.
American Man: Man, what are the chances of these three holes running into each other?
[More digging is heard, and an African man shovels through the wall.]
Ghanaian Man: Get out of the damn way!
American Man: Man alive, what is this?
Ghanaian Man: I’m digging a hole from Ghana to New Zealand.
French Man: This is unacceptable!
[A fifth man, in a prison uniform, goes through to the hole with everybody else.]
Ecuadorian Man: You can say that again!
Chinese Man: Who are you?
Ecuadorian Man: I am escaped prisoner from Ecuador! I am digging my way to Algeria! Now get out of my way!
[The men, except for the American man, start arguing with each other.
American Man: Gentlemen! Please! Gentlemen! This bickering is pointless! We’re all obviously very good at digging! In fact, this might be the greatest gathering of hole-diggers in history! Let’s put aside our petty differences and celebrate what is common in each of us: digging.
[The other men start talking again, apologizing to each other.]
American Man: That’s why I suggest we stay here, and live as one! All nations united! America!
Chinese Man: China!
Ghanaian Man: Ghana!
Ecuadorian Man: Ecuador!
French Man: France!
American Man>: And America!
[Patriotic-sounding music pots up.]
American Man: We shall build a society! A utopia! Right here, in the center of the earth!
“We’ll live in the center of the earth
To see what life is worth
In the center of the earth!”
French Man:
“We’ll be free
As free as you can be
Ten thousand miles beneath the sea
In the center of the earth!”
Together:
“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story.
Of the men who dared to live
In the center of the earth!”
Chinese Man and Ecuadorian Man:
“At last
China and Ecuador
Are friends forever more
At the center of the earth”
French Man and Ghanaian Man:
“We’ll eat
Dirt and rocks and mud
The heat will boil our blood
At the center of the earth!”
Together:
“We’ve dug ourselves to glory!
The plows will tell the story
Of the men who dared to live
At the center of the earth!”
V/O: And eight minutes later, they were all dead!
Submitted by: Leadcrow90
