SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Culps


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbie Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows

Senor Franklin: Hola Estudiantes. Me llamo Senor Franklin. I am Senor Franklin. Your Spanish teacher. I hope your enjoying the fair. But I do want to say to the persons or personas who disrupted the jugglers by throwing taco meat at them, no es comica. NOT FUNNY! In fact i am Muy Furioso! Very Furious! Muy Furioso! That’s no way to treat our custodian 4 days before he retires. No es Frio, people not cool. Alright at any rate, not that you deserve it, we have a musical treat for you from the music department to instruct and entertain you. Please welcome the Merry Wanderers!

(taco meat is thrown at Senor Franklin from offside.)


(Bobbi and Marty enter stage with a Medieval tune playing in backround and wearing medieval costumes.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. whoops we got a real hot mic here. can we adjust the treble on this one?

Marty Culp: Anyone? can we adjust it?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Is there an AVÂ peasant?

Both: AV peasant in the village? Out on a pilgrimage? Ok.

Marty Culp: Good day Lords and Ladies. I’m Marty Culp and milady,

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp. What a way to send off a bunch of almost High schoolers with a fantastical all day mandatory renaissance fair.

Marty Culp: Boy! Look at all those great costumes out there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I didn’t realize renaissance folk wore so many garments from Ambernathie and Flitch.

( mic screeches)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Treble’s a little tinny.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got an AV knave?

Marty Culp: AV knave? No?

Marty Culp: there are a number of ways to make music in the renaissance era. And these funny looking instruments are part of the menstrual period.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We don’t learn anything if we’re laughing, people.

Marty Culp: No we don’t. We have a little surprise. The weaver from the junior college, Cheryl Hardwick, has offered to make a tunic for every 8th grader.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Isnt that a coup!

Both: Who cant wait to get their tunic?? That’ll be fun!

Marty Culp: You know that middle finger was extremely offensive even back at the battle of Bosworth, Bobby Van Rye.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And mooning was a sure fire way to loose your knighthood, Charlie Mckittrick.

Marty Culp: Anyway, in the spirit of this very, very fun day–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea its just been a gas–

Marty Culp: capital F.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea, really a gas for us.

Marty Culp: We’ve prepared a little musical history lesson, for what we know as the Golden Age of Funk! 1! 2! 3! 4!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: April is in thy mistress face!

Both: But in her heart! But in her heart! But in her heart a cold December–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: what a wench wants! What a wench needs! What ever makes her happy sets her free.

Marty Culp: And I thanking you for knowing that she’s no.

Both: Medieval woman! Do do do do do! Medieval woman! Do do do do do!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Renaissance if you want to do!

Marty Culp: You can leave the iron age behind.

Both: And if you can’t paint and if you can’t sculpt, then you’re no friend of mine!

Both: Renaissance! Renaissance!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And just like the ocean under the moon!

Marty Culp: That’s the same emotion that I get from you.

Both: You gotta kind of loving that makes me so smooth. Give me your heart make it real.

Marty Culp: Or else forget about it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Let me see that thong!!

Marty Culp: what what, thighs like what what what?

Both: Baby move your butt butt butt. I think I’ll say it again!

Both: Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt! I think I’ll say it again!

Both: oops I did it again.

Marty Culp: Invented movable type!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It led to a printing revolution!

Both: Pops the peasants can read!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Here comes the bubonic plague!

Marty Culp: You can’t read when your dead!

(Marty plays soft tune on keyboard and Senor Franklin plays flute in the backround)

Marty Culp: Senor Franklin on jazz flute.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Awoke last night to the sound of thunder–

Marty Culp: How far off I sat and wondered.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Started humming a song from 1523!

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Medieval woman

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves.

(they repeat those 2 last lines 4 more times)

Both: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?? Ain’t it funny how the night moves!!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Have a great time at the Ren Fair!

Submitted by: Jenna

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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