SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Culps



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20


99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Culps

Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbie Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer
Senor Franklin…..Tim Meadows

Senor Franklin: Hola Estudiantes. Me llamo Senor Franklin. I am Senor Franklin. Your Spanish teacher. I hope your enjoying the fair. But I do want to say to the persons or personas who disrupted the jugglers by throwing taco meat at them, no es comica. NOT FUNNY! In fact i am Muy Furioso! Very Furious! Muy Furioso! That’s no way to treat our custodian 4 days before he retires. No es Frio, people not cool. Alright at any rate, not that you deserve it, we have a musical treat for you from the music department to instruct and entertain you. Please welcome the Merry Wanderers!

(taco meat is thrown at Senor Franklin from offside.)

Senor Franklin: STOP THROWING TACO MEAT!

(Bobbi and Marty enter stage with a Medieval tune playing in backround and wearing medieval costumes.)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. whoops we got a real hot mic here. can we adjust the treble on this one?

Marty Culp: Anyone? can we adjust it?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Is there an AVÂ peasant?

Both: AV peasant in the village? Out on a pilgrimage? Ok.

Marty Culp: Good day Lords and Ladies. I’m Marty Culp and milady,

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I’m Bobbi Mohan-Culp. What a way to send off a bunch of almost High schoolers with a fantastical all day mandatory renaissance fair.

Marty Culp: Boy! Look at all those great costumes out there!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: I didn’t realize renaissance folk wore so many garments from Ambernathie and Flitch.

( mic screeches)

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Treble’s a little tinny.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got an AV knave?

Marty Culp: AV knave? No?

Marty Culp: there are a number of ways to make music in the renaissance era. And these funny looking instruments are part of the menstrual period.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We don’t learn anything if we’re laughing, people.

Marty Culp: No we don’t. We have a little surprise. The weaver from the junior college, Cheryl Hardwick, has offered to make a tunic for every 8th grader.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Isnt that a coup!

Both: Who cant wait to get their tunic?? That’ll be fun!

Marty Culp: You know that middle finger was extremely offensive even back at the battle of Bosworth, Bobby Van Rye.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And mooning was a sure fire way to loose your knighthood, Charlie Mckittrick.

Marty Culp: Anyway, in the spirit of this very, very fun day–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea its just been a gas–

Marty Culp: capital F.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yea, really a gas for us.

Marty Culp: We’ve prepared a little musical history lesson, for what we know as the Golden Age of Funk! 1! 2! 3! 4!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: April is in thy mistress face!

Both: But in her heart! But in her heart! But in her heart a cold December–

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: what a wench wants! What a wench needs! What ever makes her happy sets her free.

Marty Culp: And I thanking you for knowing that she’s no.

Both: Medieval woman! Do do do do do! Medieval woman! Do do do do do!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Renaissance if you want to do!

Marty Culp: You can leave the iron age behind.

Both: And if you can’t paint and if you can’t sculpt, then you’re no friend of mine!

Both: Renaissance! Renaissance!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And just like the ocean under the moon!

Marty Culp: That’s the same emotion that I get from you.

Both: You gotta kind of loving that makes me so smooth. Give me your heart make it real.

Marty Culp: Or else forget about it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Let me see that thong!!

Marty Culp: what what, thighs like what what what?

Both: Baby move your butt butt butt. I think I’ll say it again!

Both: Dumps like a truck truck truck, thighs like what, what, what! Baby move your butt, butt, butt! I think I’ll say it again!

Both: oops I did it again.

Marty Culp: Invented movable type!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It led to a printing revolution!

Both: Pops the peasants can read!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Here comes the bubonic plague!

Marty Culp: You can’t read when your dead!

(Marty plays soft tune on keyboard and Senor Franklin plays flute in the backround)

Marty Culp: Senor Franklin on jazz flute.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Awoke last night to the sound of thunder–

Marty Culp: How far off I sat and wondered.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Started humming a song from 1523!

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Medieval woman

Marty Culp: Ain’t it funny how the night moves.

(they repeat those 2 last lines 4 more times)

Both: Ain’t it funny how the night moves?? Ain’t it funny how the night moves!!

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Have a great time at the Ren Fair!

Submitted by: Jenna

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