SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: The Ladies Man



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20



99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

The Ladies Man

Leon Phelps…..Tim Meadows
Brandy Lane…..Sarah Michelle Geller
Wilma Slotsin…..Gina Gershon
…..Florence Henderson

Leon Phelps: I’m Leon Phelps, and welcome to “The Ladies Man”, the loveline with all the right responses to your romantic queries. How y’all doin’? That is good. I’m doin’ fine, I got my bottle of Couversier right here. Hey, you know what? I am in a very relaxed mood, for, you, see soon the moist days of summer will be upon us. And you know what that means, don’t you? It means that I, Leon Phelps, will be needing to choose a new summertime skank. Now, I have narrowed my choices down to three very charming, very talented, very skanky individuals.. and tonight, we are gonna play “Who Wants To Be My Skank?” [ walks over to the set ] Alright, then. So let’s meet the contestant. Contestant #1 is a bus station skank. She makes her living by selling her underwear to perverts on the Internet. Sayhello to Brandy Lane.

Brandy Lane: [ walks out and sits ] Hi, Leon!

Leon Phelps: What is hapenin’, Brandy? Skanktestant #2 hails fromGary, Indiana. She is currently unemployed, but is living comfortably offa settlement she won for a leaky boob implant. Say hello to Wilma Slotsin.

Wilma Slotsin: [ walks out and sits ] Hey, Leon.

Leon Phelps: Hey, hello there, Miss Slotsin! And last, but not least,contestant #3 is the host of a very popular morning show here on NBC called”Later Today”. Please welcome Florence Henderson.

Florence Henderson: [ walks out and sits ] Leon, it is so nice tosee again!

Leon Phelps: It is so nice to see you, too, Flossie baby! So, ladies,are you ready to skank it up?

[ the three skanks cheer wildly ]

Florence Henderson: Let’s get skanky!

Leon Phelps: Yeah! Okay, Skank #1: “If you were an article ofclothing, what would you be?”

Brandy Lane: Well, Leon, I’m very warm, and very giving, and veryopen.. so I’d probably be a pair of crotchless panties!

Leon Phelps: [ near tears ] That is so beautiful! Skank #2: “Whatkind of clothing would you be?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I’d probably be an old sneaker, because Idon’t mind being tied up, and I smell rank!

Leon Phelps: Ooohhhh! That is skanky! Okay, next question,Skank #3. I think it is important to think about your future, so let meask you this: “How skanky do you think you will be in five years?”

Florence Henderson: Oh, very skanky! When the world seeswhat I can really do with a bottle of Wesson Oil, well.. You knowwhat, Leon? I’m gonna be able to outskank Carmen Electra!

Leon Phelps: Ooh, Miss Wessonality! That is very good. Now, Skank#2: “If you could do one thing to make this a better world, what would youdo?”

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. it has always been my dream to wipe out all ofthe world’s diseases.. but I think that I should focus mainly on the onesthat itch my crotch.

Leon Phelps: Yea-heh! Listen, I’m very sorry about giving you that.

Florence Henderson: Oh, actually, Leon, I should apologize -I gave it to you first.

Leon Phelps: Listen, no apologies necessary, Flo-ho. It wasworth it! Now, here’s one for all of you: “Where is the most unusual placeyou have ever whoopie?” Skank #1?

Brandy Lane: Hmm.. that would be in the butt.. ler’s pantry..of the Playboy Mansion!

Leon Phelps: Intriguing, yeah! Skank #2?

Wilma Slotsin: Well.. I did it once in the ass.. pen, Coloradobus station.

Leon Phelps: That is fabulous, yeah! Skank #3: “What is the mostunusual place that you have ever done it?”

Florence Henderson: [ laughing ] That’s easy, Leon.. right down theold Hershey Highway! Yeah, just outside of Hershey, Pennsylvania!

[ Winner’s Bell rings ]

Leon Phelps: I think we have a winner! Skank #3, I am veryimpressed! How about a big hand for all of our skanks, everybody? Isn’tthat lovely? Well, that is all the time we have for “Who Wants To Be MySkank?” Ladies?

All: [ blow a kiss to the audience ] “Live, from New York, it’sSaturday Night!”

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