Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 20
Jackie Chan’s Monologue
Steven Seagal….Will Ferrell
Jean Claude Van Damme….Chris Kattan
Sammo Hung….Horatio Sanz
Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Chan!
[wild cheers and applause]
Jackie Chan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Whoo! Thank you very, very much! [genuinely nervous] You know what? If you put a mike in my chest you can hear the heartbeat. Even myself I can hear from here. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom- boom. I’m so scared. I’m so–because first time host a show in my life. [more cheers and applause] But I’m so excited. But I think I’m the first martial artist to host Saturday Night Live. But I promise tonight, there’s no violence. There’s—[Asian music plays]
[Steven Seagal appears with his ponytail, robe and doing jujitsu moves]
Steven Seagal: Jackie Chan.
Jackie Chan: Steven Seagal. What are you doing here?
Steven Seagal: You think you’re the first martial artist to host this show? That’s bullcrap. I hosted nine years ago.
Jackie Chan: I bet you were really funny. Because everything you’ve done is a joke.
Steven Seagal: You think just because you do all your own stunts that makes you a badass? Apparently you haven’t seen my work in “Hard to Kill”. “Out for Justice”. “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”. I think you owe me an apology.
Jackie Chan: If I don’t?
Steven Seagal: I’m gonna go eat a sandwich. [leaves]
Jackie Chan: Like, I always use martial arts with comedy—
[Van Damme appears and does some lame unbalanced kicks]
Jackie Chan:: Who are you?
Jean Claude Van Damme: I’m Jean Claude Van Damme!
Jackie Chan: Jean Claude Van Damme? You look much smaller in real life.
Jean Claude Van Damme: Yeah? Well, Van Damme is bigger at the box office.
Jackie Chan: But I was in “Rush Hour”.
Jean Claude Van Damme: “Rush Hour”? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I did a little movie too last year. Maybe you heard of it. Its called “Legionnaire”?!
[No response from no one. Van Damme leaves ashamed]
Jackie Chan: Anyway, I really like mixing the comedy with the action—
[Fat ass action star Sammo Hung appears, does a few low kicks, out of breath immediately]
Jackie Chan: Oh, my God! Its Sammo hung from “Martial Law”!
Sammo Hung: Jackie, I need for–please, to answer this difficult question. How did I get stuck on martial art show with Arsenio Hall? Why me? Why did I do? What the hell? [leaves]
Guy from audience: Hey!
Jackie Chan: What action star are you?
Guy from audience: Did you ever see the movie “The Karate Kid”? I was Ralph Macchio’s make-up artist.
Jackie Chan: Make-up artist? What are you doing here?
[Guy from audience goes up the stage and grabs Jackie by the shirt]
Jackie Chan: Hey, hey, don’t insult me in front of audience.
Guy from audience: That’s the idea.
[Action music plays, Jackie twists the guy’s arm, grabs Jackie by the throat, Jackie spins him, ducks a punch, slams the guy on the chest, guy flips over and lands face first on the stage]
Jackie Chan: We have a great show! Kid Rock is here! So stick around we’ll be right back!
[Jackie kicks the guy in the face and bumps him offstage with a hip bump. Salutes the audience]
[cheers and applause]
Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel