SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Jackie Chan’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 25: Episode 20


99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Jackie Chan’s Monologue

…..Jackie Chan
Steven Seagal….Will Ferrell
Jean Claude Van Damme….Chris Kattan
Sammo Hung….Horatio Sanz

[Jackie enters center stage on studio 8-H]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Chan!

[wild cheers and applause]

Jackie Chan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Whoo! Thank you very, very much! [genuinely nervous] You know what? If you put a mike in my chest you can hear the heartbeat. Even myself I can hear from here. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom- boom. I’m so scared. I’m so–because first time host a show in my life. [more cheers and applause] But I’m so excited. But I think I’m the first martial artist to host Saturday Night Live. But I promise tonight, there’s no violence. There’s—[Asian music plays]

[Steven Seagal appears with his ponytail, robe and doing jujitsu moves]

Steven Seagal: Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: Steven Seagal. What are you doing here?

Steven Seagal: You think you’re the first martial artist to host this show? That’s bullcrap. I hosted nine years ago.

Jackie Chan: I bet you were really funny. Because everything you’ve done is a joke.

Steven Seagal: You think just because you do all your own stunts that makes you a badass? Apparently you haven’t seen my work in “Hard to Kill”. “Out for Justice”. “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”. I think you owe me an apology.

Jackie Chan: If I don’t?

Steven Seagal: I’m gonna go eat a sandwich. [leaves]

Jackie Chan: Like, I always use martial arts with comedy—

[Van Damme appears and does some lame unbalanced kicks]

Jackie Chan:: Who are you?

Jean Claude Van Damme: I’m Jean Claude Van Damme!

Jackie Chan: Jean Claude Van Damme? You look much smaller in real life.

Jean Claude Van Damme: Yeah? Well, Van Damme is bigger at the box office.

Jackie Chan: But I was in “Rush Hour”.

Jean Claude Van Damme: “Rush Hour”? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I did a little movie too last year. Maybe you heard of it. Its called “Legionnaire”?!

[No response from no one. Van Damme leaves ashamed]

Jackie Chan: Anyway, I really like mixing the comedy with the action—

[Fat ass action star Sammo Hung appears, does a few low kicks, out of breath immediately]

Jackie Chan: Oh, my God! Its Sammo hung from “Martial Law”!

Sammo Hung: Jackie, I need for–please, to answer this difficult question. How did I get stuck on martial art show with Arsenio Hall? Why me? Why did I do? What the hell? [leaves]

Guy from audience: Hey!

Jackie Chan: What action star are you?

Guy from audience: Did you ever see the movie “The Karate Kid”? I was Ralph Macchio’s make-up artist.

Jackie Chan: Make-up artist? What are you doing here?

[Guy from audience goes up the stage and grabs Jackie by the shirt]

Jackie Chan: Hey, hey, don’t insult me in front of audience.

Guy from audience: That’s the idea.

[Action music plays, Jackie twists the guy’s arm, grabs Jackie by the throat, Jackie spins him, ducks a punch, slams the guy on the chest, guy flips over and lands face first on the stage]

Jackie Chan: We have a great show! Kid Rock is here! So stick around we’ll be right back!

[Jackie kicks the guy in the face and bumps him offstage with a hip bump. Salutes the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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