SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Jackie Chan’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Jackie Chan’s Monologue

…..Jackie Chan
Steven Seagal….Will Ferrell
Jean Claude Van Damme….Chris Kattan
Sammo Hung….Horatio Sanz

[Jackie enters center stage on studio 8-H]

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen, Jackie Chan!

[wild cheers and applause]

Jackie Chan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! Whoo! Thank you very, very much! [genuinely nervous] You know what? If you put a mike in my chest you can hear the heartbeat. Even myself I can hear from here. Boom-boom, boom-boom, boom- boom. I’m so scared. I’m so–because first time host a show in my life. [more cheers and applause] But I’m so excited. But I think I’m the first martial artist to host Saturday Night Live. But I promise tonight, there’s no violence. There’s—[Asian music plays]

[Steven Seagal appears with his ponytail, robe and doing jujitsu moves]

Steven Seagal: Jackie Chan.

Jackie Chan: Steven Seagal. What are you doing here?

Steven Seagal: You think you’re the first martial artist to host this show? That’s bullcrap. I hosted nine years ago.

Jackie Chan: I bet you were really funny. Because everything you’ve done is a joke.

Steven Seagal: You think just because you do all your own stunts that makes you a badass? Apparently you haven’t seen my work in “Hard to Kill”. “Out for Justice”. “Under Siege 2: Dark Territory”. I think you owe me an apology.

Jackie Chan: If I don’t?

Steven Seagal: I’m gonna go eat a sandwich. [leaves]

Jackie Chan: Like, I always use martial arts with comedy—

[Van Damme appears and does some lame unbalanced kicks]

Jackie Chan:: Who are you?

Jean Claude Van Damme: I’m Jean Claude Van Damme!

Jackie Chan: Jean Claude Van Damme? You look much smaller in real life.

Jean Claude Van Damme: Yeah? Well, Van Damme is bigger at the box office.

Jackie Chan: But I was in “Rush Hour”.

Jean Claude Van Damme: “Rush Hour”? Ha! Ha! Ha! Well, I did a little movie too last year. Maybe you heard of it. Its called “Legionnaire”?!

[No response from no one. Van Damme leaves ashamed]

Jackie Chan: Anyway, I really like mixing the comedy with the action—

[Fat ass action star Sammo Hung appears, does a few low kicks, out of breath immediately]

Jackie Chan: Oh, my God! Its Sammo hung from “Martial Law”!

Sammo Hung: Jackie, I need for–please, to answer this difficult question. How did I get stuck on martial art show with Arsenio Hall? Why me? Why did I do? What the hell? [leaves]

Guy from audience: Hey!

Jackie Chan: What action star are you?

Guy from audience: Did you ever see the movie “The Karate Kid”? I was Ralph Macchio’s make-up artist.

Jackie Chan: Make-up artist? What are you doing here?

[Guy from audience goes up the stage and grabs Jackie by the shirt]

Jackie Chan: Hey, hey, don’t insult me in front of audience.

Guy from audience: That’s the idea.

[Action music plays, Jackie twists the guy’s arm, grabs Jackie by the throat, Jackie spins him, ducks a punch, slams the guy on the chest, guy flips over and lands face first on the stage]

Jackie Chan: We have a great show! Kid Rock is here! So stick around we’ll be right back!

[Jackie kicks the guy in the face and bumps him offstage with a hip bump. Salutes the audience]

[cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

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