SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Female Employee…..Cheri Oteri
Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz
Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Wang…..Jackie Chan

Female Employee: Darnit! My computer froze again! You know, it hasn’t been the same since that virus attacked the system. Did anyone call Nick Burns?

Male Employee #1: Yeah, I called about a half hour ago. He told me to go soak my head.

Male Employee #2: [ shaking head ] I don’t like that guy.

Female Employee: Well I tried to run that Norton program to fix it but it didn’t work.

Nick Burns: That’s because the Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. It can’t repair your hard drive after you’ve downloaded an infected program, Patch Adams!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, blockheads, I’m getting ready to go on vacation – I’m training the new guy. If you need any help, you can call him this week, alright? [ turns to door ] Come on in here, Wang.

Wang: Hi, everybody!

Nick Burns: Alright, who’s having a problem? [ all three Employees start griping at once ] Alright, one at a time. My brain doesn’t have a zip drive! [ approaches Male Employee #2 ] What’s your problem?

Male Employee #2: Well.. I just.. um.. I can’t.. can’t..

Nick Burns: Talk? What, my screen saver’s about to kick in!

Male Employee #2: I’m doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file. And this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns!

Nick Burns: Oh, it’s the computer that’s stupid, not you, right? [ Male Employee #2 shakes his head ] The computer’s screwed up.

Male Employee #2: Yeah, okay! Alright. I tried to cut and paste it..

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Cut and paste! [ to Wang ] Didn’t I tell you these guys were stupid? [ to Male Employee #2 ] Go to your default font, and change it to your spreadsheet font.

Male Employee #2: [ confused ] My spreadsheet has a font?

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard?

Male Employee #2: I didn’t know my spreadsheet had a font..

Nick Burns: Obviously! Hey, you know they’re training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers, maybe I’ll sign you up for a class! [ approaches Male Employee #1 ]

Male Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Hey, Wang. How are things going today?

Nick Burns: About as fast as an LC-475 with a 32-bit processor!

Wang: Yeah, LC-475! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. What’s your deal?

Male Employee #1: You know, the craziest thing’s happening..

Nick Burns: What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds?

Male Employee #1: Come on, I want to open this file! But it says I don’t have enough memory.

Nick Burns: Okay, drag your cursor up to the right side of the menu.

Male Employee #1: [ confused ] Where’s the menu?

Nick Burns: Oh, the last thing I expect you not to be able to find is the menu!

Male Employee #1: [ angry ] Alright, you just show me where it is!

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there.

Wang: Okay. [ approaches Female Employee ] What’s your problem, Einstein?

Female Employee: Wang, I’m trying to download an attachment from an e-mail..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: ..but when I try, it just says that I need a file converter..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: So, then I tried to save it to Word first, but it won’t let me. So what can I do?

Wang: Move! [ taps keys quickly ]

Female Employee: Did you fix it?

Nick Burns: Yeah, he fixed it. [ to Wang ] I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. [ a beeper goes off ] Son of a.. is that you? It’s me. It’s you? [ checks beeper ] Oh, it’s those idiots over at the R & D. I guess we gotta make like Microsoft..

Wang: And split! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: L-O-L! Let’s go! [ they walk out the door, then turn around ]

Together: Oh by the way, you’re welcome!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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