SNL Transcripts: Jackie Chan: 05/20/00: Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 25: Episode 20

99t: Jackie Chan / Kid Rock

Nick Burns: Your Company Computer Guy

Female Employee…..Cheri Oteri
Male Employee #1…..Horatio Sanz
Male Employee #2…..Chris Kattan
Nick Burns…..Jimmy Fallon
Wang…..Jackie Chan

Female Employee: Darnit! My computer froze again! You know, it hasn’t been the same since that virus attacked the system. Did anyone call Nick Burns?

Male Employee #1: Yeah, I called about a half hour ago. He told me to go soak my head.

Male Employee #2: [ shaking head ] I don’t like that guy.

Female Employee: Well I tried to run that Norton program to fix it but it didn’t work.

Nick Burns: That’s because the Norton Utilities can only detect a virus. It can’t repair your hard drive after you’ve downloaded an infected program, Patch Adams!

Theme Song: “Nick Burns, the computer guy. He’ll fix your computer, then he’s going to make fun of you. Cause he’s Nick Burns, the company’s computer guy.”

Nick Burns: Okay, blockheads, I’m getting ready to go on vacation – I’m training the new guy. If you need any help, you can call him this week, alright? [ turns to door ] Come on in here, Wang.

Wang: Hi, everybody!

Nick Burns: Alright, who’s having a problem? [ all three Employees start griping at once ] Alright, one at a time. My brain doesn’t have a zip drive! [ approaches Male Employee #2 ] What’s your problem?

Male Employee #2: Well.. I just.. um.. I can’t.. can’t..

Nick Burns: Talk? What, my screen saver’s about to kick in!

Male Employee #2: I’m doing the quarterly again. And I copied the spreadsheets into this new file. And this stupid computer just screwed up all my columns!

Nick Burns: Oh, it’s the computer that’s stupid, not you, right? [ Male Employee #2 shakes his head ] The computer’s screwed up.

Male Employee #2: Yeah, okay! Alright. I tried to cut and paste it..

Nick Burns: [ laughing ] Cut and paste! [ to Wang ] Didn’t I tell you these guys were stupid? [ to Male Employee #2 ] Go to your default font, and change it to your spreadsheet font.

Male Employee #2: [ confused ] My spreadsheet has a font?

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard?

Male Employee #2: I didn’t know my spreadsheet had a font..

Nick Burns: Obviously! Hey, you know they’re training monkeys down at the zoo to use computers, maybe I’ll sign you up for a class! [ approaches Male Employee #1 ]

Male Employee #1: Hey, Nick. Hey, Wang. How are things going today?

Nick Burns: About as fast as an LC-475 with a 32-bit processor!

Wang: Yeah, LC-475! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: I got to remember that one in the chat rooms. What’s your deal?

Male Employee #1: You know, the craziest thing’s happening..

Nick Burns: What, you stopped thinking about pudding for ten seconds?

Male Employee #1: Come on, I want to open this file! But it says I don’t have enough memory.

Nick Burns: Okay, drag your cursor up to the right side of the menu.

Male Employee #1: [ confused ] Where’s the menu?

Nick Burns: Oh, the last thing I expect you not to be able to find is the menu!

Male Employee #1: [ angry ] Alright, you just show me where it is!

Nick Burns: Move! [ taps keys quickly ] Was that so hard? Wang, go help out the Queen of Tetris over there.

Wang: Okay. [ approaches Female Employee ] What’s your problem, Einstein?

Female Employee: Wang, I’m trying to download an attachment from an e-mail..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: ..but when I try, it just says that I need a file converter..

Wang: Mmm-hmm..

Female Employee: So, then I tried to save it to Word first, but it won’t let me. So what can I do?

Wang: Move! [ taps keys quickly ]

Female Employee: Did you fix it?

Nick Burns: Yeah, he fixed it. [ to Wang ] I told you these flapjacks are one meg short of a gig. [ a beeper goes off ] Son of a.. is that you? It’s me. It’s you? [ checks beeper ] Oh, it’s those idiots over at the R & D. I guess we gotta make like Microsoft..

Wang: And split! [ they laugh ]

Nick Burns: L-O-L! Let’s go! [ they walk out the door, then turn around ]

Together: Oh by the way, you’re welcome!

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