Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 25: Episode 5
Today is Never Yesterday
James Bond…..Chris Parnell
Dr. Carlisle…..Garth Brooks
[ open on TNT logo, as we return to a James Bond movie marathon, in the middle of “Today is Never Yesterday” ] [ movie opens at Fort Philips Medical Center, Helsinki, Finland ]
Nurse: Wait here, Mr..
James Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Nurse: Right. I’ll tell Dr. Carlisle that you’re here. Is there anything you need.
James Bond: I’ll let you know if.. something comes up.
Nurse: [ coquettish laugh, as she exits ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ enters ] How you doing, James?
James Bond: Good. Good.
Dr. Carlisle: Please have a seat. [ Bond sits ] James, I have some, uh, top secret information for you.
James Bond: For my eyes only? [ laughs ]
Dr. Carlisle: [ opens folder ] I don’t know how you’ve done it, James, but you have 107 different venereal diseases.
James Bond: I’m sorry?
Dr. Carlisle: 53 of them have been identified.. we’ve sent samples of 36 others to disease control center in Atlanta – they won’t return our calls..
James Bond: But, what about the other 18?
Dr. Carlisle: The other 18, we’ve never seen before. They actually found some way to mutate spontaneously with other bits and pieces of venereal disease inside of you. Um.. so rare that we don’t even have names for hem, so we’re naming them “Bond-1”, “Bond-2”, and so on. Then there are three others..
James Bond: Oh.. I thought there were only 107?
Dr. Carlisle: Yeah. Well, we’re thinking it’s a lab report, because these three are only found in sharks.
James Bond: [ holds up arm ]You know, uh, this watch cna shoot laser beams.
Dr. Carlisle: That’s great, James, but can it cure herpes? I mean, haven’t you noticed the lesions? My God, the extreme discolorization? The erosion, for God’s sake? The massive testicular swelling? Surely you’re aware of the stench that even fills this room!
James Bond: [ sniffing ] No..
Dr. Carlisle: 007, this is serious. Now, I need to ask you some questions about your sexual history. How many women have you had sex with in the last five years?
James Bond: Uh.. 4?
Dr. Carlisle: You’re lying.
James Bond: Uh.. yes, I am. About 8,000.
Dr. Carlisle: Mr. Bond, as a government agent and a gentleman, I think it’s your ethical obligation to call every single one of these women and tell them about your condition. With 8,000, I suggest you’d get started.
Nurse: [ enters ] Excuse me, Doctor? [ whispers in his ear ]
Dr. Carlisle: Oh, my God! Uh.. excuse me, there’s an emergency at the lab. It seems that “Bond-4” has eaten through its beaker. If it gets into our water system, we’re all goners. So, good luck to you, James. [ exits office ]
James Bond: [ picks up phone and makes first call ] Hello, is Octopussy there? Great! Hello. Hi, honey, it’s James. Uh, listen, something kind of funny’s come up! No.. not laugh-out-loud funny, but more just weird. Yeah. I have 107 venereal diseases. Hello? [ hangs up ] This isn’t so bad..
James Bond: Is Pussy Galore there? Hi! Oh, it’s Pussy Phillips now? Congrats! Listen..[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Martha Stewart there? She’s not? Uh.. no. No message.[ cut scene to next phone call ]
James Bond: Is Batman there? Hey, Robin, it’s James! No, stay on the line, actually, this concerns you both![ cut scene to reveal Bond alseep on the couch in the office ]
Nurse: Mr. bond?
James Bond: Oh..? Oh, yes, I was just finishing up. How long have I been here?
Nurse: Eight days.
James Bond: Oh, dear. Well, it seems I’m free at the moment. Would you care to make love in a hovercraft?
Nurse: Sounds intriguing. But I think it’s only fair to tell you: I have crabs.
James Bond: Hmm.. if that’s a venereal disease, then we’re in business. By the way, I didn’t catch your name.
Nurse: It’s Connie. Connie Lingus.[ cut to TNT logo, as the movie goes to commercial ] [ fade out ]