Presidential Address Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Anderson Cooper Mike Pence60 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set] [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and this is CNN, your number one source for impeachment porn. This has been a week of shocking revelations out of the White House not least of which is the ongoing debate over gun control and the wake of the tragic school shooting in Florida. At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance. But instead we’ll hear from Donald Trump, who has called the second bipartisan symposium where he will read a prepared statement.

[Cut to Donald Trump and his cabinet at bipartisan meeting] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Tonight, I am here to bring you a message of healing and a show of unity along with Mike Pence and senator Dianne Feinstein.

Dianne Feinstein: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Last week, I met with a group of teenage survivors of gun violence and I wanna reassure them once again that [Donald Trump pulls out a paper and reads it] I her you and I care. Rent “Lego Ninjago” movie– sorry. Eric scribbled some notes in there too. But it’s clear something has to change. We have to take a hard look at mental health which I have so much of. I have one of the healthiest mentals. My mentals is so high that we have to respect the law. Believe me, no one loves the second amendment and do a process more than me. But maybe, we just take everyone’s guns away. Okay? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: Did we like that? Dianne loves that. She hasn’t been this excited since women were allowed to get jobs. But, oh! Look at Mike. He hates it. Don’t worry, Mike. I met with the NRA. They gave me $30 million good reasons not to change a thing. So, it’s all good. [coughs] [to Mike Pence] We still friends, right? We still friends, Mike? [Mike Pence is feeling uncomfortable. Donald Trump puts his hand on Mike Pence’s.] Look at him. He’s so uncomfortable. He hates this.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: He’s worried this is a gateway touch. But the youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody. If I could, I’d run into all of them. Even without a weapon, I burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast. I’m actually a fast runner. People don’t know that about me. I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him. Bing, bing, ding, dong, dang. He’s finished. Okay? So, the schools are safe now. But I wouldn’t stop there coz I’m on a role. I just keep running and running. I’d run to North Korea, again, competing unarmed. I’d fight their rocket man. Ping, pong, pang, ping, ping, poom. I’d pick him up and throw him right over the Great Wall of Korea.

If I have to make America’s school safe all by myself, I will. Just like how I’m running the White House all by myself. Because these people who work for me keep resigning. Hope Hicks, she’s like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot. She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go but I love watching her walk away. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I mean Jared Kushner is basically the hottest chick left in the place. And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out. But that should be it, okay? I mean, everyone else is staying, right? Big Master, you’re staying, am I right? [the chair is empty already] He’ll always stand by my side. Great guy. Anyway, if we’re going to stop this gun violence, we need to work together. Whites, blacks, even some of the good immigrants. Do we call them grants. I’m gonna call them grants. Okay. Because we need to heal this great country of ours and it really is one of the best, top five. We could do better. I mean, they’re all beating us. Gina (China), Japan, Wakanda. Okay? Wakanda is laughing at us. Right? They’ve got flying cars, people in Wkanda. That’s why I announced the steel and aluminum tariff this week. People are going nuts about it. I brought back the steel industry by destroying the auto industry and tanking the stock market. Impressive.

[Mike Pence and Dianne Feinstein are annoyed]

Look at them. Both sides hated it. I don’t care. I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle house at 2 AM. [cheers and applause] Crazies everywhere. Staff walking out in the middle of their shift. Managers taking money out of the cash register to pay off the Russian mob. But maybe we o just take all the guns away.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: She loves it. She’s looking at me like a cartoon pork chop. Okay. She’s great. All the people here are great except Jeff Sessions. He needs to go. I call him Mr. Magoo. Everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say, “Stop! I’m laughing so hard. I can’t take it anymore. I resign.”

[Jeff Sessions stands from Donald Trump’s behind]

Jeff Sessions: That’s very funny, Mr. President. But, I’m not going anywhere. [laughing] I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir. I linger. And I just had dinner with all your friends at the Department of Justice and wow! Your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch. That’s right, Mr. President. You can’t bully me anymore. For the first time, I’m standing up on my own high legs. [holding Donald Trump on his shoulders] Okay, how about we say it together for old time’s sake? Huh?

Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Last Call with Charles Barkley

Anthony… Kenan Thompson

Charles Barkley

Sheila Sovage… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a bartender announcing the last call to the customers at the bar.]

Anthony: Aright desperados, last call. You know, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here.

[There are only two customers because it’s late. One man and a woman]

Charles: Hang on here, bartender. I’ll have one more speedy gonzalez. That’s a hot margarita with dulcolax in it.

Sheila: And I’ll take a plantar’s punch. Heck, I’ve already got the warts. Hah! Ha-ha.

Anthony: [giving the drinks to Charles and Sheila] Well, drink fast, please.

Charles: Well, well, well, [looking at Sheila] The Oscars are tomorrow. I’m looking at the nominee for the worst possible sport.

Sheila: Maybe you play your cards right and you’ll get to walk my red carpet. Unless you’d rather be my seat filler.

[Anthony is eating spaghetti. He gets disgusted of their conversation and he spits out.]

Hey, mind if I slam my clam a little closer? There’s a nail in this stool and it has pierced my rubber underwear.

Charles: Sure, but let me get this last gulp of clean air before you get here. [Charles breathes in] I’m ready.

[Sheila moves close to Charles]

Sheila: So, where have you been all night? That part of the night where I was lucid?

Charles: I went to bathroom on my hands and knees.

Sheila: Oh, well. Were you sick or were you doing folks?

Charles: I wish. I temporarily lost my crown. It fell in the toilet to an hour. But I got it best.

Sheila: Oh, great! That’s great. That’s great. It’s worth it. My name’s Sheila Sovage. Have you ever seen that show “Naked and Afraid?”

Charles: Why? Were you on that show?

Sheila: No. No. But if you play your cards right, I’ll make you both.

Anthony: [talking on the phone] Yea, hello, ISIS. Yeah, I changed my mind. I will join.

Charles: I gotta be honest. When I first saw you tonight, I thought, “Hello no.” But now I’m not thinking coz I’m drunk.

Sheila: Oh, yeah? And of all the men in here, you’re the only man in here. Let’s go back to my place and do missionary, huh? That’s where you try to teach me English until you get frustrated and leave the country.

Charles: I’d rather do the reverse cowgirl. That’s where I put your cowboy hat over your face and walk you out back till you fall out of window.

Sheila: Oh! You’re bad man. You bad. Maybe we should go for a test drive here in the showroom. Yeah?

[Sheila leans towards Charles]

Anthony: [praying] Dear god. Make me a bird so I can fly far. Far, far away from here. Dear god. Make me a bird.

Charles: Hello, do you have certs?

Sheila: Oh! No. But I do have the next best thing. Um, a lady speed stick.  Yeah. Good idea. [She takes it out and licks on it. Then she rubs it on Charles’s mouth too.] There you go. There. Fresh as a daisy. Let’s do this.

[Sheila kisses Charles, rubs the speed stick on him again, and then agin kiss him.] [Anthony ziplocks himself inside a suit bag.]

Sheila: Wow! [coughs] Wow! Are you as soft as I am dry?

Charles: I’m engorged.

Sheila: Look. I think our lips are getting in the way of the main attraction. The tongue.

Charles: I got an idea.

Sheila: Oh yeah?

Charles: Let’s try this thing I stole from the dentist.

[Charles pulls out two dental retractors and they both put them in their mouths.]

Sheila: Ready.

Charles: Yeah.

[Charles and Sheila kiss wearing the dental retractors. Anthony is covering his eyes.]

Anthony: Anthony! Don’t look. It’s gonna be too terrible. But yet, I must. What’s the worst thing that could happen? [Anthony peeks] Noo!

[Anthony is turned into a stone]

Hump or Dump

Freddie Hobbes… Kenan Thompson

Amanda Derkle… Aidy Bryant

Trent Perket… Alex Moffat

Chad Robbins… Chris Redd

Doug… Charles Barkley

[Starts with VHone video bumper] [Cut to Hump or Dump set]

Male voice: What’s up and welcome to VHone Hump or Dump. Put your hands together for your host Freddie Hobbes.

Freddie: What’s up, y’all? What’s up? I’m Freddie Hobbes and you’re watching the only show where one guy gets humped and two losers get dumped. Now, let’s meet our lucky bachelorette, our miss thing of the moment, Amanda Derkle.

Amanda: [giggling] Oh! So happy to be here, Freddie. I just ended a six year relationship. So, I’m not gonna get slammed by some trash.

Freddie: Alright. Well, Amanda. You’re here for all the right reasons. Let’s meet our potential baes.

Trent: What’s up, Amanda? My name’s Trent Perket and I like to work it. I wanna send a quick shoutout to my homies of the hookah hideout.

Amanda: Ooh! Me likey.

Chad: Amanda. I’m Chad Robbins. Ha-ha-ha. And when I’m not teaching Zumba, I’m mastering the ancient art of Captain Wera. Hai-ya!

Amanda: Ooh! Hachi-machi!

Doug: Hey, Amanda. I’m Doug. Let’s just say it’s in everybody’s best interest you pick me.

Freddie: Yikes! You konw, Doug, you catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar.

Doug: Who the hell want flies? I want a woman.

Freddie: Okay. Let’s get into it. Amanda, the floor is your’s.

Amanda: Okay, Trent, as the manager of the PF Changs, I’m used to being the head bitch. So, what do you bring to the table?

Trent: Well, Amanda, when you roll wit the T dog, you’re VIP. Helicopters, Hamptons, and half off all on trays in Devin Buster’s.

Amanda: Ooh-la-la. That’s tempting.

Chad: Nah, girl. You pick me because I’m Twitter verified and I’ll always send you home in an Uber pool.

Amanda: Ooh! Color me intrigued. And Doug?

Doug: Let me put this plainly, Amanda. If you don’t pick me, I’m gonna kill myself.

Amanda: Oh! I’m sorry. I don’t think I heard you right.

Doug: Yeah, you did. I’m gonna kill myself. I came to win and I’m putting all my chips on the table.

Freddie: Hey, come on, man! That’s not cool. I mean, you can’t put that on her. If you’re battling depression right now, we can get you some help.

Doug: I’m not depressed. This is a game show. I wanna win.

Amanda: Um, is he allowed to do this?

Freddie: No. Of course not. Usually, our producer, Tina vets these people.

Tina: He seemed cool.

Freddie: Let’s just move on.

Amanda: Um, okay. Trent, it’s 2 AM and I text you, “Sup?” What combo of emojis do you send back?

Trent: I’m going peach emoji, eggplant emoji, water squirt and tongue out.

Doug: I’ll tell you what I’ll do if you don’t pick me.

Amanda: Oh, that’s not the question.

Doug: I’ma drive home, park my oldest mobile in my garage, tape this his hose to my exhaust [showing her a pipe], roll down my windows and it goes dark sleep. Eternal sleep. Just like my daddy and my daddy’s daddies before him.

Amanda: Okay. I don’t like this. [to Freddie] I don’t like this at all.

Freddie: Yeah. Agreed.

Amanda: Um, it kind of feels like I have to pick Doug or he’s gonna kill him.

Doug: I sure am.

Chad: What? Wait, what? That’s not fair. I’ll do it. I’ll kill myself too.

Doug: How?

Chad: I don’t know.

Doug: Well, you ain’t serious.

Freddie: Well, Amanda, I hate to push you in this position. But you’re gonna have to pick somebody. Honestly, you do not have to pick Doug. His mental stability is not your responsibility.

Doug: Yes, it is.

Freddie: You don’t owe him anything.

Doug: Yes, you do!

Freddie: There’s no blood on your hands.

Doug: It isn’t if you pick me.

Freddie: Hey! Relax! Alright? Amanda, I’m gonna need that answer. Will it be Treant? Will it be Chad? Or will it be Doug?

Amanda: Chad! I choose Chad.

Chad: Whoo! Ha-ha-ha.

[Chad starts dancing. Amanda walks to Chad and they both walk out.]

Doug: What? What happened here? I gotta do it. I gotta keep my word.

Freddie: Doug, you don’t need to go through with that. You’re worth something.

Doug: Thanks, man.

Freddie: Now, let’s take out that trash!

[trash is falling upon Trent and Doug]

Female voice: These losers got dumped!

Freddie: Ha-ha-ha! We’ll see you next week on Hump or Dump.

[The End]

Homework Hotline

Mr. Lenard… Charles Barkley

Bobo

Pat… Aidy Bryant

Puppeteer… Mikey Day

[Starts with Channel 6 video bumper]

Female voice: Channel 6, public cable television authority, Fountain Valley, California.

[Cut to Homework Hotline book at a bookshelf.]

Female voice: Welcome to Homework Hotline. If you’re in grades 1 through 6 and need help with your homework, call the number on your screen now.

[Zooms out. There’s Mr. Lenard sitting in front of the bookshelf with a puppet.]

Mr. Lenard: Hey, students. I’m Mr. Lenard here with my study buddy Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: And we’re here to help you with your homework. Call now! [kisses Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Looks like somebody’s already calling in. First caller, what do you need help with today?

Caller: Hi. My name is Kevin and my question is when you and Bobo have sex, who’s on top and who’s on bottom? Ha-ha!

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this idiot! Get a life.

Bobo the puppet: How rude!

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Bobo. He’s very rude. Everyday with this turkey nonsense about me and Bobo. Knock it off. Pat, you’re supposed to screen these calls. How are these turkeys getting through?

[Cut to Patty]

Patty: Well, they lie to me and the lord will judge them for it.

[Cut to Mr. Lenard]

Mr. Lenard: Well, try little harder, please. Next caller, what’s stomping you today?

Caller: Hi, I’m Whitney. I’m doing the geography worksheet and I can’t find some places.

Mr. Lenard: Geography? Oh, we need a globe for that.

Bobo the puppet: The globe!

Mr. Lenard: What are we looking for, Whitney?

Caller: This should be easy coz I think Bobo was just there last night. Where is Ballsdeep, USA?

Mr. Lenard: Ballsdeep, USA? Let me see. I know there’s a Balltown in Iowa. Bobo, were you in Ballsdeep last night?

Bobo the puppet: Um, I think this might be another prank call.

Mr. Lenard: Oh, I get it now. Hang up on this turkey.

Bobo the puppet: Shame on you.

Mr. Lenard: You guys think this is funny? Look at my face. I’m not laughing.

Bobo the puppet: I know what will cheer you up. Hugs and kisses. [Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: Maybe you should stop with the hugs and kisses. There’s a bunch of YouTube videos of you hugging me with porn music tied in.

Bobo the puppet: But Bobo loves hugs and kisses.

[Bobo the puppet kisses all over Mr. Lenard’s shoulder]

Mr. Lenard: I’m serious, dude! [Mr. Lenard pushes Bobo the puppet away harshly] [the puppeteer comes out of the table]

Puppeteer: Don’t do that again.

Mr. Lenard: Pat, do we have real callers on the phone line?

[Cut to split screen with Patty and Mr. Lenard]

Patty: Well, we have a student named Harry Perra Testies.

Mr. Lenard: No. Next.

Patty: Alright. Well, we have Ryan who is doing a history report on the Mexican outlaw, dirty Sanchez.

Mr. Lenard: Absolutely not. Next?

Patty: Okay. Well, we have Matthew. He’s calling about the atomic weights of elements.

Mr. Lenard: Yes. Hello, Matthew.

Caller: Hey, Mr. Lenard. Hi, Bobo. Those crank callers have way too much time on their hnds.

Mr. Lenard: I agree, Matthew. I like you. What’s your problem?

Caller: So, I have to like, figure out the total atomic weight in an element equation.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! We can use our periodic table!

Mr. Lenard: That’s right, Bobo. Let’s go to the mount cam.

[Cut to the paper Mr. Lenard is using to solve the equation. Mr. Lenard’s first camera view is at the bottom left of the screen.]

What’s the equation, Matthew?

Caller: Um, boron oxygen. [Mr. Lenard writes BO] Then another boron oxygen sulphur. [Mr. Lenard writes BOS] Then cobalt and carbon. [Mr. Lenard writes COC. Altogether, he has written “BOBOS COC”.]

Mr. Lenard: Hold up second. Is the next one potassium?

Caller: Yeah.

Bobo the puppet: Oh! Potassium is K.

Mr. Lenard: Hang up on this liar! Get a life! The caller lines are closed. Lets do one from email.

Patty: Okay. Travis who is in second grade writes, “Did you know that if you rub your pant leg, you can generate static electricity that will make your hair stick up.”

Mr. Lenard: Yes, Travis. That is called friction charges the electrons. Let’s try it Bobo. Rub my pant let.

Bobo the puppet: Okay.

[It looks like Bobo the puppet is helping Mr. Lenard with masturbation.]

Mr. Lenard: A little faster, Bobo.

Bobo the puppet: Is it working?

Mr. Lenard: Um, you know what? This might be another prank. Well, that’s the end of the show. Zero kids helped with their homework. Patty, who’s our viewer of the day?

Patty: Well, today’s viewer of the day if 5th grader Ron Wisley who lives in Herminis Bush, California.

Mr. Lenard: Patty, use your head, Woman!

[Cut to Homework Hotline video bumper] [The End]

Harassment Awards

Danny Kilmartin… Beck Bennett

Yolanda beaks… Cecily Strong

Tom Sturgeson… Alex Moffat

Lenny Martin… Pete Davidson

Renee Genevieve… Kate McKinnon

Ronald Kellogg… Kenan Thompson

Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Tim Franklin… Charles Barkley

Catherine LeBourge… Aidy Bryant

Jack… Luke Null

[Starts with a video clip of Hollywood city]

Male voice: And now, The Academy of Sexual harassment and Misconduct in Hollywood presents, The Grabbies. Celebrating this year’s worst behavior in entertainment. We take you live to the red carpet with [Cut to Danny and Yolanda in the event] Danny Kilmartin and Yolanda Beaks.

Yolanda: Alright, it is finally that time of year. And what a year it’s been.

Danny: I’m sure excited, and as a man, I’m nervous. [smiling]

Yolanda: So many folks in Hollywood have been accused of so much this year but who will take home the coveted Grabbie?

[Danny shows the award. The award is two hands positioned as they’re going to grab something.]

Danny: I was about to jokingly grab you with the award, Yolanda, but then I stopped myself.

Yolanda: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Good instinct, Danny. And look who’s heading our way. Grabby nominee, Tom Sturgeson.

[Tom Sturgeson walks in]

Tom Sturgeson: Hey, guys. Hey, it’s really upsetting to be here tonight. [smiling]

Danny: So, Tom, you’re nominated for ‘Handsiest Actor’.

Tom Sturgeson: Um, that’s right. I gave out a lot of unwanted massages to my female costars. Also, I showed an intern my penis and said, “Any idea?”

Yolanda: Wow! Don’t want to jinx it but that sounds like award winning behavior to me.

Tom Sturgeson: Well, thanks. You think so, but it’s such a tough category this year. The competition is so stiff. I’m sorry, poor choice of words. I just mean everyone’s rock hard to be here.

Yolanda: Okay. Move along.

Tom Sturgeson: Yeap, I get that.

[Tom Sturgeson walks away]

And look who it is. Approaching us on the red carpet, one of the nominees for ‘Most Open Robe’, Lenny Martin.

Danny: Lenny, who are you wearing tonight?

Lenny Martin: Um, thin sweatpants with no underwear.

Yolanda: Umm, terrific. Now, this is such a huge moment for you. You must be so ashamed!

Lenny Martin: You think so but no.

Danny: Now, can you give us a preview of your speech tonight if you win?

Lenny Martin: Of course. Well, first I’d like to thank guns for pivoting the national conversation away from harassment. I’d also like to thank my uncle for always saying, “Boys will be boys.” Even when it was like OJ. And of course, I’d like to thank drugs and puking for keeping me in shape. It’s hard to look this good when you’re 57.

Danny: Ha-ha-ha. I like this guy.

Yolanda: Danny, don’t!

Danny: Alright.

Yolanda: Now, let’s start over to Renee who is standing by with a very special guest.

[Cut to Renee. She is standing with Ronald Kellogg and Heidi. Ronald Kellogg and Heidi are together. They’re holding hands.]

Renee: That’s right. I’m here with Ronald Kellogg who is receiving the coveted ‘Cecil B. Molestin’ lifetime achievement award.

Ronald Kellogg: You know, when I started out in this business I was just a kid with two hands, one floppy penis and no sense of boundaries. And now look at me. Praise to the devil. And if the clean up crew at the Peninsula Hotel is watching, get to bed you guys. You’re gonna have a big morning tomorrow.

Renee: [laughing] Okay, great. And is this your wife? [pointing at Heidi]

Ronald Kellogg: Um, no, this is a prostitute.

Heidi: This is fun.

Ronald Kellogg: Oh, you like that? Why don’t you eat this apple?

Renee: Okay, cool. Back to you Yolanda and Danny.

[Cut to Yolanda and Kevin. Kevin is there replacing Danny]

Yolanda: Oh, correction! Yolanda and Kevin. Because that stuff we always suspected about my cohost Danny just showed up on Babe.net.

Kevin: Happy to be here. Is this a trap?

Yolanda: And look who it is. He is nominated tonight for “Best Non Apology’, Tim Franklin.

Tim Franklin: Hey, honey. How is it going?

Yolanda: And his hand is already on the small of my back.

Tim Franklin: Oops! That’s why I’m nominated.

Yolanda: Yeah. Now, when women first started speaking out in Hollywood, you made a public statement.

Tim Franklin: That’s right. I said all women deserve to be heard.

Yolanda: Right. And then, when a woman accused you of misconduct, what did you do?

Tim Franklin: I called her a liar and troll. I had my lawyer publish her home address.

Kevin: Um, but I can’t help notice you’re wearing several pins. Is that a “Time’s Up” pin right up there?

Tim Franklin: Oh, it’s a “Tim’s up”, coz my name is “Tim”, and I’m “UP” to trying anything.

Yolanda: And, does that one say, “I’m with her?”

Tim Franklin: No. It says, “I’m with Herpes.” The doctors gave it to me this morning.

Yolanda: Well. I hope you get what’s coming to you. And Renee, what kind of swag bag are people taking home tonight?

[Cut to Renee]

Renee: Well, all the nominees tonight get a gift certificate to Massage Envy. They’ve got over 1,000 locations and over 10,000 accusations. And speaking of accusations, here comes the first woman ever nominated for a Grabby, Catherine LeBourge

Catherine LeBourge: Yes, so proud to be here.

Renee: Wow! You know, for a woman to get accused, you must have done something truly extraordinary.

Catherine LeBourge: Yes. I bit off an intern’s penis.

Renee: Ah! Amazing. Amazing.

Catherine LeBourge: Yeah. Well, I thought it was a about time that Women got into some trouble too. That’s why from here on out, I’ll be peeping peepees and squeezing sausages all over Tinseltown.

Renee: Okay. That’s great. And which movie did you work on this year?

Catherine LeBourge: Oh. “Shape of Water.” It was actually my job to get the fish horny.

Renee: Well, congratulations. And back to Yolanda and Heidi.

[Cut to Yolanda and Jack. Jack is replacing Kevin.]

Yolanda: Nope. Kevin’s gone too. This is… I wanna say Jack.

Jack: I’d rather not say.

Yolanda: Oh! Good call. We’re gonna take a quick break. And we’ll be back with the nominees for ‘Best Animated Grope’ and ‘Worst Thing Done To A Plant.’

Jack: Oh, man! Twitter just found out my name.

[Cut to The Grabbies video bumper]

Male voice: When The Grabbies return on ABC.

Con Ed Repair Site

Chet… Kenan Thompson

Jack… Charles Barkley

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of men working at the construction repair site. One is using a jackhammer It’s making a lot of noise.]

Chet: Hey, hey, hey. Jack, jack, shut it down. Shut it down. [Jack shuts it down] You’ve been on the jackhammer all day. Stop hogging it. Let somebody else get in there.

Jack: I don’t mind. I love it. There’s something about breaking pavement that relaxes me. [Chet takes the jackhammer]

Beck: Heads up guys. Killer babe, ten o’clock.

[A very attractive woman walks by]

Chris: Damn girl. You’re really killing them.

[The woman turns around]

Woman: Don’t! Don’t even, okay? This may come as a shock to you but I am not n object and you need to wake up.

[The woman leaves.]

Men: Oh!

Chris: All I was gonna say is it was nice. You look nice. And thanks for the splashing color.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah. Right. Of course you were.

Jack: Why do always ladies get to wear the best color? You can’t find that magenta that sings like that in men’s clothes.

Chet: You know, sometimes– you know, this might be stupid but I wonder what I would wear, you know? If was like a lady, you know? Like, what my style would be?

Beck: Where are we going with this?

Pete: I don’t know. Chet is right. I mean, it’s so dumb but women have so many options. You know what I mean?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, when you look at my closet, it’s just a sea of tans and browns. But, I don’t know what I’m talking about.

Jack: I am with you with that. Why do women get to echo the season with such a playful ways?

Chris: Hell! I’ma say this. If I were a woman, I’d rock a high waisted harem pants. There it is.

Beck: Did we get high and I not know about it? Come on, guys. Let’s eat roast beef sandwiches and talk about the girls we’d like to date around with.

Chet: Man, we do that everyday. Today, we’re exploring our new avenue.

Mikey: You know, sometimes when I watch the Oscars and the red carpet, I’m like, “How would I wow them if I were a nominated actress?” I don’t know. Right?

Jack: I think I’d wear a gown that had a large peekaboo hole in the back. I’d put a backward necklace with a little pendant that comes around and float in the middle. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing.

Chet: Huh! Well, what might you carry as a clutch there, Jack?

Jack: Something small. Just big enough for my phone, acceptance speech and a few pills.

Pete: I’d like to think how I’d pose on the carpet. Maybe something like this. [Pete does the pose] I don’t know. It’s one of my bad things.

Chet: You know, I think I might wear like a gold slouchy boot. You know? The one that you can push down around your ankle. maybe some shimmery stretch pants with like, an oversized soft piece sweat top that has like, a large enough neck opening so they will fall down. I don’t know. Suppose in like, one shoulder. And maybe the shirt would have like, a phrase on the front. Like, “I’m no angel.” I don’t know.

Guys: [laughing] You wearing that to the Oscars?

Jack: You out of your mind. That’s a VMA look. You don’t disrespect The Academy show looking like brass doll.

Chet: Ay! You putting words in my mouth. I never said I’d wear that to the Oscars.

Jack: Don’t be mad at me. We were talking about the Oscars. And you bring up this outfit sounding like straight out of mannequin from Strawberries.

Guys: Oh!

Pete: It went there!

Chet: Well, maybe you’re just jealous because you wouldn’t be able to pull that look off.

Jack: I outta crack your skull right now.

Beck: Ay, easy! I’m trying to digest my roast beef here. Can we change the subject please?

Chris: Definitely. So, pantyhose or no? Where are we at?

Jack: That’s a big no. What are you? A cemetery from the 80s?

Beck: Guys, come on. Heads up. What’s coming our way.

[Another very attractive woman walks by them]

Hey, you looking hot.

Woman: Get a freaking life, you moron.

Beck: You know what? [music playing in the background] Toxic masculinity is a pair of velvet handcuffs. And gender norms have the hidden key. I’m comfortable with it. But I know I’m restricted. Hell, I couldn’t even figure out what dress I’d wear to the Oscars. It’s because I have no imagination. My mind can’t go there. You know? I’m not suited for abstract thinking.

Jack: Well, I think you’d probably wear long denim skirt with a really thin metallic belt.

Mikey: Yeah. With like, a nice shawl.

Beck: A shawl? Is my daughter getting married? Why am I covering my shoulders?

Chet: Well, we think that will look good on you.

Beck: [yelling] You would! You have no taste. I can’t believe this is how you see me. I thought you guys were my friends.

[Beck walks away]

Jack: What was that all about? Give me that jackhammer back. This is stressing me out.

[The End]

 

Charles Barkley Athletes Monologue

Charles Barkley

Michael Che

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Charles Barkley.

[Charles Barkley walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Charles Barkley: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’m an athlete and athletes’ been speaking a lot this year. They’ve been kneeling during the anthem, refusing to go to the White House, but a lot of professional athletes are worried about speaking out might hurt their career. Well, there’s something that contradicts all of that. Me! I’ve been saying whatever the hell I want for 30 years and I’m doing great. [cheers and applause] I’m hosting SNL for the 4th time for no reason other than Lorne Michaels just wanted somebody to talk to about Black Panther. But this country has had a great tradition of athletes speaking their minds. Muhammad Ali changed the way people thought about Vietnam. Jim Brown had people thinking about race. Michael Jordan even thought it was okay for humans to play with Looney Tunes.

Well, some folks still think we’re all spoiled millionaires. But athletes work hard. I’m successful because I have a great work ethic. I’m responsible. And when I was born, I was three feet tall and weighed 26 pounds. But some people don’t want to hear from professional athletes. Like, there’s a lady on FOX News who told LeBron James to shut up and dribble. And dribbling is like, LeBron’s only four things he’s good at. Shooting, passing and magically making his hairline come back.

But the media does this stuff all the time. I went to president Obama’s 50th birthday party. They got video of me and Jay-Z, Steve Harvey in Grand Hill at the party. And FOX News called it ‘a hiphop barbecue’. First of all, we were the only four black people there. And three of us ain’t even in hiphop. So calling it a hiphop barbecue is like any tournament Tiger plays in, deaf golf jam.

Look, I gotta mess with people complaining about athletes. We can do a lot more than dribble. I’m a broadcaster. I wrote a book. I even got my own wine. That’s true. It’s called CB Vineyards. It’s the only chardonnay that pairs great with a sausage biscuit. Yeah. You know what? But at the end of the day, athletes are the only ones speaking out in their communities.

[Michael Che walks in]

Michael Che: Ay! Wow! Wow! Charles! What about comedians? [cheers and applause] We speak all the time.

Charles Barkley: Well, look at you, Michael. Nobody takes you seriously.

Michael Che: Well, tell that to the people who called me racist just for telling jokes.

Charles Barkley: I’m sorry to hear that.

Michael Che: Well, they did make a good point.

Charles Barkley: People should be able to disagree. For example, I’m proud to stand for the anthem. Unless Fergie’s singing it, and I just fall over laughing. Coz it’s hilarious.

Michael Che: And I stay seated for the anthem because I’m still in my Uber. Because black people are always late.

Charles Barkley: That’s not true.

Michael Che: I told you I’m a racist.

Charles Barkley: Hey! I might agree with that. But you can say you still have you career. And all your athletes out there, you can too. So, LeBron, keep on dribbling and don’t ever shut up. And maybe one day, you can host SNL for the 4th time just like me.

[cheers and applause]

Michael Che: That was beautiful, man!

Charles Barkley: Shut up! Hey, so buckle up! It’s gonna be a real hiphop barbecue in here tonight. We got a great show. Migos is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Weekend Update- Willie on February

Michael Che

Willie… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Michael Che in his set.]

Michael Che: It’s the beginning of February which is the shortest month and often the coldest. It can be hard on your spirit, so here to cheer us up is the most optimistic guy I know, my neighbor Willie.

[Willie slides in]

Willie: Ay! Ay, Michael! Oh, man! I just love February. 28 days of fun and excitement. By the way, ground hog saw his shadow yesterday. So you know what that means?

Michael Che: What’s that, Willie?

Willie: Six more weeks of leaving your oven door open for heat.

Michael Che: That’s really dangerous, man.

Willie: Ay! President’s day is coming, Michael! That means mattress sales.

Michael Che: Okay.

Willie: You know, last year I got a mattress for only 36.

Michael Che: Really? where?

Willie: The police auction. Oh! It’s a nice one too. When you turn on the black light, you can see all the little constellation.

Michael Che: That’s disgusting, man.

Willie: Michael! You will never guess what I did for this Black History Month.

Michael Che: Do I wanna know?

Willie: Yeah. I went and traced my ancestry.

Michael Che: That’s pretty cool, Willie. I was going to do that.

Willie: You should, Michael. It’s really easy. All you gotta do is send your full name, social security number and all your bank information to West Africa and you wait for the results.

Michael Che: Willie, that sounds like a scam.

Willie: Well, excuse me, Michael, but do you really think that the grand nephew of Prince Hakutamatata would fall for a scam?

Michael Che: Nah! I guess he wouldn’t, man.

Willie: You know, it’s like my ancestors used to always say back in the village. You had us a free boat trip!

Michael Che: Whoa! Whoa! Willie, Willie, how is this supposed to make anybody feel better about February?

Willie: Well, what about Valentine’s day, Michael? Don’t you have somebody special to spend it with?

Michael Che: No.

Willie: That’s alright. I’m a little embarrassed to say this but I bought one of those super realistic sex dolls off the internet.

Michael Che: Really?

Willie: Yup. I caved. Got a great deal on it too. She looks so realistic. Long white hair, long sharp nails, skin cold to the touching.

Michael Che: Oh, no.

Willie: Limbs, stiff as a board. As soon as I unzipped that big black bag and saw her wide eye staring back at me, I knew I was going to be in the house all night.

Michael Che: Alright, man.

Willie: Michael, it’s like they always say, “Sex dolls don’t have toe tags, Willie!”

Michael Che: Willie, super realistic, huh?

Willie: Yeah.

Michael Che: So, Willie, you’re gonna watch Super Bowl?

Willie: Oh, no, no, no. I’m gonna watch the Puppy Bowl instead. Yeah. My old dog Lucias used to be a coach.

Michael Che: Your dog Lucias coached the Puppy Bowl?

Willie: Yeah. He sure did. Old Lucias taught those puppies how to run really fast. And then he jumped on top of them and pinned their shoulders down to teach them how to tackle. And then he put his paw over their mouths to teach em’ how to keep quiet.

Michael Che: No, no, man.

Willie: It’s like they always say, Michael, “Your dog is a puppy molester, Willie!”

Michael Che: Alright! My neighbor, Willie, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update- Pete Davidson on Filming a Commercial

Colin Jost

Pete Davidson

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Super Bowl is tomorrow. And as always, there’s a lot of excitement about the ads. Here to talk about his recent experience making an ad is our own, Pete Davidson.

[Pete Davidson slides in] [cheers and applause]

Hey.

Pete Davidson: Hello. How are you?

Colin Jost: I’m great. Um, so Pete, you shot a commercial recently, right?

Pete Davidson: Yeah. A few months ago, I shot a Dockers commercial because things in my career are going exactly how I want them to go. No, I’m just playing. Dockers are great. I wear them all the time. They’re dope. It’s like they say, they’re comfy and they’re clean. They’re Dockers.

Colin Jost: Great work there. We got it. Nice. [Pete Davidson winks] Seamless plus. Great.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. For sure. The premise of the campaign was I had to go out on the streets of San Francisco and get people to take their pants off and trade them for a pair of Dockers. But what was crazy was we shot the campaign like, a month before all the Weinstein, Spacey sexual harassment stuff happened. So, like, every week more and more articles are coming out about like, these monsters and in between those articles are ads of me out on the street like, “Hey lady, you wanna take your pants off? I’m Pete Davidson.”

Colin Jost: Yeah. So, not an ideal timing.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. And I was out there like, forever. Nobody would listen to me. I felt like Al Gore trying to tell people about global warming. Miami’s not gonna exist soon, by the way. Did you know what?

[silence]

See? Nobody wants to hear that stuff.

[laughter]

Colin Jost: Anyway, the Dockers ad.

Pete Davidson: Oh, yeah. So, after hours and hours, I finally got a guy to stop. And I was like, “Oh, thank god. We’ll have like, one good interview.” And I was like, “What’s up, man? What’s your name? Where are you from?” He’s like, “I’m Steve. I’m from Oakland.” I was like, “Oh! What brings you to San Francisco, Steve?” He goes, “My daughter.” And I said, “Oh, wow! That’s sweet, man. What are you? Like, visiting her college or something?” And he says, “No. She’s in the hospital.” And I was like, “Oh, my god. Is everything gonna be okay?” And he says, “I hope so. She has cancer.” And I was like, “Would you like to take your pants off and trade them in for a pair of Dockers?”

Colin Jost: Wow! That was good.

Pete Davidson: Yeah. That’s the commercial.

Colin Jost: That’s a great– Also, by the way, what happened to your hand? [pointing at Pete Davidson’s hand. He has a bandage on his right hand.]

Pete Davidson: Oh. I punched a door. It’s a really good story. You see, like, I have mental problems. [silence] That’s the story.

Colin Jost: That’s the story. Yeah. Great.

Pete Davidson: No, but it has been a learning experience. You know? I got really good at doing things with my left hand, if you know what I mean.

Colin Jost: Yes.

Pete Davidson: No, no, no. I’ve always been close with the right. But the left’s really had a chance to shine.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Pete Davidson: You know. When Drew Bledsoe got hurt and Tom Brady sub did.

Colin Jost: Everyone knows. Everyone knows what you’re talking about.

Pete Davidson: I learned how to masturbate with my left hand.

Colin Jost: Pete Davidson, everybody.

Pete Davidson: [pointing at his left hand] The GOAT!

Weekend Update- Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve

Colin Jost

Brigitte Bardot…Kate McKinnon

Catherine Deneuve… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Nearly, 100 female activists and actresses in France have signed a letter saying that the #metoo movement has gone too far. Here to explain their controversial views are two legendary French actresses, Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve slide in. Brigitte Bardot is holding a cigarette and Catherine Deneuve is holding a glass of wine in their hands.] [cheers and applause]

Catherine Deneuve: Alu-alu-alu.

Brigitte Bardot: Yes!

Catherine Deneuve: Thank you. Thank you, Colin. Don’t be nervous being around two beautiful women. You know, we can still have some fun. We will not discourage you from being a man.

Brigitte Bardot: A man is man. And woman is a woman. If they are not, they are homos.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, Brigitte, come on! No, no, no, no. We were having fun. Let them get to know you first.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, it’s okay.

Catherine Deneuve: Yeah, yeah. She’s 83 years.

Colin Jost: Oh, she’s 83?

Brigitte Bardot: What did you say?

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, I said you are a legend. Brigitte Bardot.

[They kiss each other’s cheeks.]

Great!

Colin Jost: That’s great. Well, it’s an honor to have both of you here. What is your main complaint about the #metoo movement?

Catherine Deneuve: Look, look. [Brigitte Bardot is staring at something away] It’s important in France to question, to debate. To challenge popular opinion. For me, I just– I don’t want romance to die. But, if I went to far, hurting a woman, that was absolutely not my intention. You understand?

Colin Jost: Okay. Yeah, of course.

Brigitte Bardot: And me, I stand by everything I have said. And I will double down. Free Harvey Weinstein!

Catherine Deneuve: Oh!

Brigitte Bardot: This is a real man.

Catherine Deneuve: No, no, no, no. Come on. That’s not what this is. No, no, no. Look, look. I think what we both think, it’s women have a beautiful body, yeah? Men have a beautiful body. Why can’t we have the freedom to explore and enjoy? What is more French than that? You know?

Colin Jost: Okay.

Brigitte Bardot: Why does a woman have breasts? This is for a man to grab and pull. “Come with me. Come with me.”

Catherine Deneuve: Sweetie, no.

Brigitte Bardot: A door has a knob. A woman has two knobs.

Catherine Deneuve: It’s not. No. Oh! This woman. You know, I’m beginning to think i should not have aligned myself with her. Ah! You know, what can I say? I’m impulsive. I could kiss you now, Colin.

Colin Jost: Oh! No, we can’t. We’re on the news.

Catherine Deneuve: Well.

Brigitte Bardot: Well, he is homo. I told you.

Catherine Deneuve: Brigitte, come on!

Brigitte Bardot: No! No! You know, I love homo. My only friends are you and birds and homo.

Catherine Deneuve: Come on, baby. So many of the things. This woman says a problematic. Brigitte! We are here to explain opposition. You remember?

Brigitte Bardot: I remember.

Catherine Deneuve: We talked about this.

Brigitte Bardot: Oh, yeah, we are woke.

Catherine Deneuve: Yes.

Colin Jost: Right. And you guys do think that women are equal to men, right?

Catherine Deneuve: Yes, yes, yes. Women want to be equal to men, yes. But, we also want to be desire.

Brigitte Bardot: Give the female cat.

Catherine Deneuve: Oh, boy. Come on.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream because she wants to be dead.

Catherine Deneuve: I told her don’t say this, man.

Brigitte Bardot: She scream! [making cat noises]

Catherine Deneuve: But she’s gonna do it.

Brigitte Bardot: And then when she is attacked, she scream even more. [making cat noise]

Catherine Deneuve: Okay. Okay. So, I think we have– we cleared it up, huh? No? So? we are both French. Brigitte is very old and very wrong. Yup!

Brigitte Bardot: You are freaking old too, bitch!

Catherine Deneuve: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh, the great Brigitte.

[Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve kiss each other’s cheeks]

Colin Jost: I was gonna say it. Brigitte Bardot and Catherine Deneuve.