Weekend Update Olya Povlatsky

Colin Jost

Olya Povlatsky… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Now that Donald Trump is the Republican nominee. Many are concerned about his lack of foreign policy experience as well as this “romance with Russian dictator Vladimir Putin”. Here to comment is a woman from a small village in Russia. Olya Povlatsky.

[Olya slides in]

Olya: Hello, my babies. Good to see you Colin. [waving at Michael Che] Black Colin.

Colin Jost: So Olya, how has it been going in Russia? What have you been up to?

Olya: Hmm. Let’s see. I forget. Let me check my day planner here. What did I do? Oh, Wednesday, yes, I did this. [acting like she’s crying] And then Thursday, I was like… [acting like she’s running from something] And then the Friday. Yes, Friday. Me and my home girls, we got together. We did this thing. [acting like she’s shivering in cold] “So cold. So cold I want to die.”

Colin Jost: Come on, Russia can’t be that bad.

Olya: What? Colin! White Che! You know, in America, you like, “Hey Bobby, got to hell.” Well in Russia we say, “Hey Bobby, stay put.”

Colin Jost: Wow. You’re on fire.

[Olya thinks she’s literally on fire]

Olya: Ah! Not again. Where? Where? Not again.

Colin Jost: No. You’re not actually on fire. Let’s get back on track. What do you think about the fact that Donald Trump could be our next president?

Olya: Oh, Colin. Colin. This is so sweet. This is like candy in my mouth to me. I’m assuming. For years, America has made fun of Putin. And now you guys have a Putin of your own. Welcome to the suck!

[sneezes]

I’m sorry.

Colin Jost: Oh my God bless you. God bless you.

Olya: He never has and he never will. But really America, come on. You guys have Trump, but you call Putin crazy? This is like part calling all my toes black. At least our guy is jacked. I mean, have you seen that photo of Putin shirtless on that horse? I mean, yummy, yummy.

Colin Jost: Wait a second. You think Putin is sexy?

Olya: No, I’m saying the horse look delicious. I’m starving, Colin. Pay attention.

Colin Jost: Okay. Olya, what do you think about the fact that Putin once called Trump a genius?

Olya: Hmm. You know, having Putin call you genius, this is not compliment. That would be like if my own poop said, “You know the smells good? Olya.” “Thank you poop. Also, why are you so grey?”

Colin Jost: Thats— Thank you for the visual. That was great. Thank you.

Olya: Colin, can I tell you a secret? I have met this Donald Trump before.

Colin Jost: You’ve met him before?

Olya: Yes. Yes. Every 10 year, he comes to my village in the middle of the night to take a new wife. And last time Colin, it was down to me and Melania. I hear he picked her just because she had both ears. God, I am so jealous of her.

Colin Jost: You’re jealous of her? Why? Coz she’s rich now?

Olya: No. Because I see in her eyes that she is truly dead.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Olya Povlatsky, everyone.

Olya: One day. One day.

Weekend Update Leslie Jones

Colin Jost

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: There’s an inspirational video that’s gone viral called ‘It’s never too late’, which claims you’re never too old to follow your dreams. Here to comment is our own Leslie Joes.

[Leslie Jones slides in]

Leslie Jones: Thank you, Colin. Great to be here.

Colin Jost: How are you feeling, Leslie?

Leslie Jones:  Oh, Oh, Colin. Oh . Man, I’m 48 and last month I tore my ACL playing a Ninja in a comic sketch. My whole life I wanted to be a Ninja, but my 48 year old knee was like, “Bitch, you is not a Ninja.” The only thing you do good in black pajamas is watched the chill. But the video made me realize that you can achieve your dreams at any age. Did you know that Harrison Ford at 30 was a carpenter? Vera Wang didn’t design her first dress until she was 40? Even Captain Crunch joined the Navy at 50. All I’m saying is that you youngs are just running around here trying to be somebody when you don’t even know who you are yet. You know what happened to Oprah at Leslie Jones3? She got fired. Imagine firing Oprah.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well that was a mistake.

Leslie Jones: No, it wasn’t because she wasn’t Oprah. She was just some Leslie Jones3 year old punk who needed to get fired, so she could become Oprah. Sometimes you got to fail to succeed. I did.

Colin Jost: Well, okay. What were you doing at Leslie Jones3?

Leslie Jones: Man, I don’t know. The first part of my twenties is like a sexual blur. Then I was fired from some temp jobs, UPS, but I’m glad I got fired. Lorne Michaels created SNL 41 years ago, but maybe if he had got fired like Oprah, he wouldn’t still be working the same damn job. Also, our generation is just much healthier now. You know, we’re the new old. My dad didn’t hydrate. He drank scotch. My dad didn’t exercise. He drank scotch. People will take care of themselves now. You know, we do politely. We got Jamie Lee Curtis keeping us regular. We you yoga.

Colin Jost: You do yoga? Well, namaste. And also, what’s your favorite position?

Leslie Jones: Downward facing Colin. I just wanna know where you’re staying, Jost.

Colin Jost: Leslie Jones, eveyrone.