Weekend Update- Trump’s Final 2020 Election Message

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you very much. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, the election guys, it’s three days away. And after all this time, Trump I think has finally found a winning message.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, our doctors get more money if somebody dies from covid. You know that, right?

[Cut back to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. That’s our president recently saved by doctors saying doctors want more covid for money. Which makes me think Trump only survive covid so he wouldn’t have to pay his doctors. Unfortunately, Trump’s gaslighting isn’t quite enough to keep you warm because multiple Trump supporters who were stranded at a freezing cold rally in Nebraska were hospitalized with hypothermia. I assume because Trump told them that jackets don’t work. But don’t worry, the president isn’t trying to kill his supporters. He’s actually succeeding at killing his supporters. According to a study, over 30,000 covid cases and 700 deaths have been tied directly to Trump rallies. That means he’s officially killed more people across the midwest than Jeffrey Dahmer and John Wayne Gacy combined. Which is also kind of what Trump looks like. In the end, I guess that Trump was right, that he is not a typical politician since politicians don’t typically spend the last week of the election murdering their own voters.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and Lil’ Wayne at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Lil’ Wayne met with President Trump this week to discuss Trump’s fubu platinum plan for the black community. I don’t know what it’s actually called. Many are surprised by Lil’ Wayne’s endorsements of Trump but keep in mind, Lil’ Wayne puts cough syrup in his sprite. So… Look, it’s weird that I have to tell politicians this but rappers are not black leaders. They’re just rappers. Stop negotiating with them. They only do this with black people. I’ve never saw a candidate talking to Gilbert Godfrey about what to do in Israel. That’d be insulting, right? Plus, rappers are just way too busy to be leaders anyway. I love Ice Cube, but you know how many jobs he has on top of negotiating for black people? You know why Malcolm and Martin were such great leaders? Because they weren’t also working on BarberShop4.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and a map of Georgia at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, The Voice. [Picture changes to the musical show ‘The Voice’.] [Picture changes to Jared Kushner]

Jared Kushner who always looks like a child dressed up for a funeral, Jared said Monday that black Americans have to want to help themselves if they want to be successful. Yeah, I don’t know if I trust a guy who thinks the black experience is the highest tier in American Express.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a check-box with “vote” written on it at right top corner.] Michael Che: Hey, I don’t know what’s going to happen with this election. The tension is just killing me. I don’t know what this world’s going to be after Tuesday. I may never see you again, Colin. I mean, we might both get drafted in the race war. It’s not fair. You just married Scarlett Johansson and I just bought an electric bike. We’re both doing equally great. I feel like the band on the Titanic. Everything’s just going bad and I’m up here trying to do jokes like, “”Hey, did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?”

Colin Jost: Wait, what about the constipated accountant?

Michael Che: Oh. He couldn’t budge it. So, he had to work it out with a pencil. It’s a kid’s joke. You never heard that? Alright, whatever, man.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Now, again guys, the election is only three days and I’m a little worried. Mainly because of that Che’s joke. But all I think and believe is that we cannot do another four years of Trump. It is too much. Everyday, I wake up after two hours of sleep and I google “America still democracy?” Even if you like Trump, at this point, you have to be exhausted. Remember that friend you had who at 4AM would be like, “Yeah, where are we going next?” And you’re like, “This is fun, but if I keep hanging out with this dude, I’m gonna die.” Right now, it feels like Trump wants us all to do another bump from whatever he’s got from his muppet doctor and just sort of see where the night takes us. I don’t know about you guys, but I think this time I am calling a designated driver. [picture changes to Joe Biden] And I just really hope he also brings this guy with him.

[Cut to a video clip of Barack Obama scoring a 3 pointer in basketball.]

Barack Obama: That’s what I do.

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Season 2 of The Mandalorian

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: In a break from election news, season 2 of “The Mandolorian” premiered on Disney Plus on Friday. Here to discuss it is the star of the show, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: I’m back. What?

Michael Che: Wow. Well, it’s really good to see you, Baby Yoda. How have you been?

Baby Yoda: I’ve been good. I spent the summer quarantining with my homies Jake Paul, Mia Khalifa and Wreck-It Ralph. Nice dude. Real nice dude. But you know, it was chill. I mean, I’m just a baby.

Michael Che: Well, that’s good. “The Mandolorian” is back. That’s pretty exciting. Sounds like it’s going to be a good season.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. But shout out to the writers. I mean they mad awkward to be around. But they come up with some Fuego ideas, bro. I just wish they’d let me dance a little more. You know what I’m saying? Like, [dancing] hey, hey.

Michael Che: Yeah. It doesn’t seem like that kind of show.

Baby Yoda: No. The idea is no. But to my fans, I love y’all. For real. But some of y’all can maybe take it easy on those DMs though. I mean I read some of these. I’m like, “Dang! You wanna do what to Baby Yoda?” You know, that’s all– that’s interesting. They’re sexual in nature, Michael.

Michael Che: Yeah. I got that. Well, it sounds like you’re definitely a fan favorite.

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. You know, things are kind of blowing up. You might have heard me on a Joe Rogan’s podcast. Talking about my new line of cannabis products. That was a chill five hours.

Michael Che: Oh, damn. Baby Yoda, you really do smoke weed?

Baby Yoda: Oh, hell yeah. Hey, how do you think I got so green? No, but for real, we selling them Dago-bud, Wookie Cookies, and CBD kombucha called Jabba the Kombucha.

Michael Che: That’s very cool. It’s very cool.

Baby Yoda: But Michael, since I have this platform, I do want to say something real quick.

Michael Che: By all means.

Baby Yoda: I’ma put it like this. Baby Groot, we ain’t friends. I know you still talking smack about me and I just want to say your TikToks are cringe, bro. Dylan Sprouse hit me up like, “Yo, you see this?” I was like, “Yup.” But honestly, it’s all love. I’m not a hater. But if you say my name one more time, I’ll kill you.

Michael Che: Wow. Baby Yoda, everyone. Oh my god.

Weekend Update- Amy Coney Barrett Confirmed & Halloween Robot

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set. There’s a picture of Twitter logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Twitter is launching a program to ‘pre-bunk’ misinformation posted on the site. But I don’t know. They taught us in health class that even ‘pre-bunk’ can get you pregnant.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says ‘Confirmed by senate along party lines’ at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wow. The senate voted to confirm Justice Amy Coney Barrett along party lines. Party lines is also what Don Jr. does to prepare for interviews.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Panera Bread logo and a pizza at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Panera announced that it’s adding pizza to it’s menu, which is a kind of fun story your aunt would have posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Police Department logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New York city police officer was suspended after he used his loud to yell “Trump 2020”. According to NYPD guidelines, Cops can only whisper “Trump 2020” as they choke someone out. I thought that was a fun one.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Bud Light seltzers at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: But Light has introduced new flavors of it’s hard seltzers for the holiday season including apple crisp, peppermint paddy and ginger snap. Though it’s hard to taste the flavor when you’re so drunk, you reach for a Bud Light peppermint paddy. And hey guys, fun tip, you can also make your own Bud Light peppermint paddy at home by combining Scope and Vodka.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron Jeremy at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Prosecutors have seven additional counts of sexual assault against porn star Ron Jeremy, who now faces a possible 300 years in prison. But, if anyone can last that long, it’s Ron Jeremy.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “man builds robot to hand out candy”.]

Colin Jost: And guys, a man in Texas built a robot to hand out candy to trick-or-treaters. He calls it “The sex offender loophole 3000”. For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

New York PSA

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

The old lady… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of New York city]

Ego: Thank you, New York.

Heidi: New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: Things got pretty tough this summer.

Heidi: But through it all, we stayed strong.

Chris: We stayed together.

Ego: And we never lost who we are.

Heidi: Because we are New York.

Chris: New York.

Ego: New York.

Heidi: And no matter how hard things get…

Chris: We always get through it.

[A woman starts appearing in all clips dancing at the background]

Ego: And we do it our way.

Heidi: Each and every one of us played a part.

Chris: From the nurses who who kept the safe.

Ego: To the essential workers who kept food on our table.

Heidi: To all the neighbors who pitched in.

Chris: And today, some things are different.

Ego: But most things are exactly the same.

Heidi: Beautiful.

Chris: Unbreakable.

Ego: One of a kind

Chris: So, hey, if you’re not from here, come see for yourself.

Ego: The museums, the landmarks–

Heidi: And this lady. [The lady who was dancing is now laying in the park topless.] Sort of a dancing old woman.

Chris: Not homeless. Just, you know, quirky. She has an apartment. She’s just usually outside.

Ego: Like a rent controlled situation. She lives in a 40-floor-walk up. So, when she’s out, she’s out.

Heidi: She has lived in a studio since she was 16 which was 30 or 100 years ago.

Chris: She’s not not a professor at Columbia.

Ego: And until broadway reopens, she’s performing her one woman version of ‘The Lion King’ at the park everyday.

Heidi: New York is not a ghost town.

Chris: It’s his town. It’s her town.

Ego: And it’s definitely her town. [referring to the old lady]

Heidi: So, today, we want to say thank you.

Ego: Thank you.

Chris: Because New York will always be New York.

Heidi: And we’re so proud to say…

Ego: The people just crazy enough to call this place home will always be here.

The old lady: I love New York!

 

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing] [The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came

who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me

super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fourth time. Thank you. It’s the most anyone has ever hosted. Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this. Thank you to everyone here who did so much work to make something happen because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us ‘The last responders’.

I live in New York city. I love New York city. And I love that you’re all wearing masks. But I’m a little sad about masks in New York city because it prevents you from over hearing conversations on the streets and that is one of the city’s greatest joys. Just before covid hit, this was in December, I was downtown. I was on West 12th street. And I was walking downtown and I was on West 12th. I’m walking this way and this guy is walking towards me. And he’s on his cellphone. And we’re both downtown. And as he walks pass me, I hear him go, “No, no, no, I can’t meet right now. I’m way up town.” And then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.

A lot of people were binge watching shows during quarantine. I watched the series that I absolutely loved. It was an hour long dramady called ‘The Daily Press Conferences of Governor Andrew Cuomo’. Yes. He’s great. It told the story of an Italian American father who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High Jinks Ensue. But he learns a lot about being a father and a little it about being a governor. I loved those press conferences. He would walk out everyday a little too excited and he’d sit down and go, “Today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day as if back stage, one of his gibronis was like, “There’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and he’d start his rhythm. It would be like, “We are New York though. And we are New York though because we are New York strong. And we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like Smurf language after a while. “New Yorkliness is very New York to New Yorkers.” What Cuomo did what was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Like, sometimes, he’s be talking about a situation we were all going through. And it was clearly just some stuff going down in the Cuomo household at that moment. He’d be like, “I know. We’re all trying to figure this out. Let’s say your brother’s wife wants to take the kids to see grandma. You go, ‘They can’t see grandma. Grandma is vulnerable. She’s elderly.’ But she says, ‘Well, what if the kids come halfway in the house and she stays in the other side of the kitchen?’ I’m going, ‘It’s airborne, this thing. You can’t have grandma even in the kitchen.’ She says, ‘Well, it’s important for the kids to see their grandma.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.'”

I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. Like, I’m scared he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums and come out and be like, “Hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” And everyone’s like, “Play covid!” And by the way, he’s not even the least weird– He’s our least weird politician in America. He’s on like, 45 of the weird ones. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd, there is an elderly men contest. There’s two elderly men and you’e supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like. And then we’ll add them all up. And then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man. But just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish. Families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. When she does, she will deliver. She is so good at being on TV. Very good. That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls and they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her, and that’s really the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. So the parents of the girl having the sleepover have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say, “Can you come pick her up?” And then there’s that moment where the dad has to sit at like, the dining room table while they wait for the pick up and he’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat looking kind of stoic. They have nothing to talk about. So, he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. He kind of implies that she gets it from the wife. All of that will still continue. It is America. But you should vote. You got to vote. Vote as many times as you can. Vote. Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill them in. And if a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank”, you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American.

Now, my Nana is going to vote and she’s 94 years old. [cheers and applause] Oh! Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? Listen, this is my opinion. I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the doors so no one hears it? I don’t think maybe she should vote. You know, you don’t get to vote when you’re 94 years old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant. I’m sorry, that joke is agist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourselves the greatest generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” “Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you’d get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercial.”

Listen, but I love my grandma. I love my Nana. When you’re a kid, you just love your grandma just totally. And as you get older, you start to wonder about her relationship with her mother. You’re like, “Why does that old lady make mom so nervous? Something must have happened there.” But my nana is a great eccentric wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88. That’s not even a point of the story. She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was unflattering. And I take her side in this. I also thought it was unflattering mainly because it was a photo of an 88 year old woman. So, her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and tell them that she lost her license. So, she went to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and she said, “I lost my license and I need a new license and a new photo.” And the guy there said, “Do you have any proof of ID?” And she took out her license. And then as she told me, “We stared at each other for a moment. And then I said, ‘You’ve caught me in a lie’, and I took my license and left.”

I couple of summers ago, I was with my nana. It was a family reunion and I had to walk her to her car after like I had to. Not like when you walk a bridesmaid and there’s no stakes. I had to hold her up. So, I walked her to her car. She’s got like, a brown grey car. No brand. I think the government gave it to her. And we get to the car door and she opens it and she looks at me and she says, “You know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now, everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry.” And then she drove off.

We have a great show for you tonight. The Strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen. Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

Headless Horseman

Icabod Crane… John Mulaney

Headless Horseman… Beck Bennett

William… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with a man walking into the woods in a full moon night.]

Icabod Crane: Keet it together, Icabod Crane. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. [spooky noise] What? What is that? [he sees an owl] It was only an owl. Calm your nerves, Icabod.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane.

Icabod Crane: Who’s there? Show yourself.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane. [There’s a headless horseman] How dare you trespass in these woods on all Hallow’s eve?

Icabod Crane: My god, it’s the headless horseman. The one I heard tale of in ghastly stories.

Headless Horseman: The very same.

Icabod Crane: And it’s true what they say. You’re cursed to carry around your own severed head.

Headless Horseman: For eternity.

Icabod Crane: So, since you’re holding a detached but animated head, do you ever use it to… you know.

Headless Horseman: To what?

Icabod Crane: Do you use it? You know, like, on yourself?

Headless Horseman: What? What on earth are you talking about?

Icabod Crane: No. It’s– Okay, look. I’ve been trying to do it with myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

Headless Horseman: Argh! That’s disgusting.

Icabod Crane: Oh! Says the man holding his severed head. Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you’re holding the head. The mouth is already right there.

Headless Horseman: Honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

Icabod Crane: Well, it would have been my first thought right after, “Oh, my god. They chopped off my head”, I would have pivoted to, “Huh? Possible silver lining here.” It’s like they always say, ‘when life hands you a severed head, you put your mouth on your digus.’

Headless Horseman: Enough! You’ll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell.

[William walks in]

William: Icabod, I came as soon as I could.

Icabod Crane: Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

William: No. I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever just roll into the ladies room?

Headless Horseman: Excuse me?

William: The head. You ever roll it under the stalls in the woman’s bathroom and be like, “Mental pictures”.

Headless Horseman: No! Of course, not. I don’t even go indoors.

William: Okay. Then you ever use your head to… you know… on yourself?

Headless Horseman: He already asked that.

Icabod Crane: I already asked that.

William: Great minds.

Icabod Crane: Hey, follow up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have false removable teeth because that could feel really good if you got–

Headless Horseman: I have real teeth.

William: Ah! Bummer!

Icabod Crane: But could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact, like, if someone wanted that, I mean.

Headless Horseman: No. I mean, yes. But why would anyone want that?

William: Personal connection.

Icabod Crane: Power, for me.

William: Hey. When your throat got cut, did it happen to the gag reflex?

Headless Horseman: Okay. Now, I’m sending you both to hell.

William: Why send us to hell when you can send yourself to heaven?

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Icabod, William, did you ask the horseman about–

Icabod Crane: Yes, yes. We’re like, way into it.

Mikey: Then, I have a question that’s gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

Headless Horseman: What are you talking about?

Mikey: I’m just curious about clean up.

Icabod Crane: No, no, I get that. But listen, it’s an open neck, right? So, he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it. And it just like, falls out.

William: Yeah. You could probably go in through the neck too. That’s a whole new experience.

Headless Horseman: All your minds are filthy. What is going on in this town?

Icabod Crane: Well, it’s full of puritans, homie. We’re the most sexually repressed people in history.

William: Yeah. Sorry I’m obsessed with sex. This is going to shock you but my wife Goodie Chasity isn’t exactly fulfilling my needs.

Headless Horseman: Alright. I’m through with this conversation. Icabod Crane, you shall suffer my wraith– [William walks to Headless Horseman and tries to lift his head off his hand.] Hey! What are you doing? No.

[William passes the head to Icabod Crane]

Icabod Crane: Alright. Let’s just say things are coming to a-head [pun].

Male voice: And so, the legend of sleepy hollow was born. They say if you walk the woods today, you can sill hear the ghostly cries of the horseman’s head yelling, “Come on guys! I need a break!” And then, “Hey, hey! The ears are off-limits!” Happy all hallows eve, from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lorne who wrote this sketch.

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone] [Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Biden Halloween Cold Open

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Nate Silver… Mikey Day

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Lil Wayne… Chris Redd

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]

Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.

[Joe Biden opens the book]

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore

[Hillary Clinton walks in the door as the raven]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…

Hillary Clinton:We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag

it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore

Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you

Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for

Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?

Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan

Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man

Okay, you got this. Okay.

[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]

Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
even though…

[Nate Silver is standing there]

Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…

[Cut to Ice Cube and Lil Wayne wearing MAGA hat]

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.

Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!

Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.

Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala

Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race. 

Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]

Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.

[Mitch McConnell runs out]

Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay. 

Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day. 

Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won. 

Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent

Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Another Uncle Meme

Mr. Brenner… John Mulaney

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

[Starts with an office meeting]

Mr. Brenner: Alright, good meeting, gang. Before we go, does anyone have anything else the’d like to share? Maybe our newest intern, my nephew, Tyler.

Tyler: Nope. Nope. I’m good.

Mr. Brenner: Oh. Okay. Well, why don’t you not play dumb ass with me? See, my nephew Tyler here memed me again. And you all know it. He turned me into a meme. And I’ll be honest, I’m pissed again.

Chloe: I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.

Mr. Brenner: Exhibit A. My perfectly dating handsome profile picture. [showing his picture on the screen] It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just a normal adult man looking for a smart and funny adult woman. And what do I see posted by my sweet nephew in the company Slack? This. “Swipe right if you want bad sex.” You think this is funny? Look at me. You think this is funny? Women might see that and think it’s true and it’s not. I get great reviews. Thank you very much.

Chloe: I am so sorry, Mr. Brenner. I assure you no one thought this was funny.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, really? Because you all seemed to really love this one. “When you in a sex cult but you still a virgin.” Hey, listen up, peanut gallery, if I was in a sex cult and not having sex, I would leave. Trust me.

[Chris and Tyler do the fistbump

Chris: Got his ass.

Mr. Brenner: Hey, look at me, you dunts. Everything about this, when you do this, it sucks for me. Look what popular meme account ‘purple drink possi’ posted. “Hello darling, you may whack me in the penis with a golf club.” Now, I don’t know why that’s in quotes. It’s definitely not something I’ve said. But look, this was tweeted out by actor and New York legend Michael Rapaport. “When she come over and she say, ‘Hi, my name is Chris Hansen’.” What an outrageous accusation? First off, the fellas go to the little kid’s house on that show, not vice-versa. And why would she be saying, “My name is–”

Chloe: We don’t have to get into logistics.

Tyler: Look, I’m really sorry, Uncle Ron. I’m getting paid to make memes now and I need to practice. It’s helping with my tuition.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, is this going to help you get through college, you Limp Bizkit? How about this one? “That feeling withn the priest put his fingers in your mouth during communion.” Look, what an awful image. I hate that. I hate it. Next.

Chris: Okay, that’s creative.

Mr. Brenner: It’s not creative. It’s not creative. You know what it is? Liable. But hey, I guess that’s what I get for thinking love was possible for a guy my age. I just wanted to find romance again. Is that such a crime?

Mr. Brenner: Then why does your profile say, “Only interested in 18-24 year olds?”

Chris: Say what?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Tyler: Oh, it does? That’s probably one of those default settings that–

Mr. Brenner: No. You wrote it out in text. “I mean it. If you 25+, don’t waste my time.” And why you tell them the website that you’re on, uncle Ron?

Tyler: Tinder.

Mr. Brenner: No. Chicksinprison.com. Sugar daddies looking for inmates.

Chloe: I’m sorry. What?

Tyler: Okay. Please, in my defense, they’re much easy to control that way.

All: Mr. Brenner?

Chris: Oh, my god!