Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch: Falling Ice

Herb Welch…..Bill Hader
Jack Rizzoli…..Jason Sudeikis
Wanda Ramirez…..Nasim Pedrad
Cynthia…..Emma Stone
Co-Op President…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on WXPD News title card ] Announcer: You’re watching WXPD News, New York.

[ cut to news desk ]
Jack:
 Good morning, everyone. I’m Jack Rizzoli.

Wanda: And I’m Wanda Ramirez.

Jack: Our top story today — residents in an Upper East Side co-op are outraged this morning after management failed to remove dangerous falling ice from the outside of the building. Veteran reporter Herb Welch, who is celebrating his 71st year with the station, is on the scene. Hello, Herb.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Herb: Hello, Jack.

Jack: Now, tell us, Herb, what is the mood where you are?

Herb: They changed the 8 a.m. service to a Spanish mass, so I’m not doing too well.

Jack: No. No, not your mood, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Not your mood, Herb. I’m asking — how are the residents of that building?

[ cut to Herb outside apartment complex]
Herb:
I’ve got some lady. Who’re you?

Cynthia: My name is Cynthia Coralina Ronowitz.

Herb: [ groans ] Pick a name. [ they glare at each other ] Alright, what happened?

[ Herb hits Cynthia on the cheek with microphone ]

Cynthia: Ever since the storm, melting icicles have been falling onto the street. And I was almost hit on my way to work.

Herb: What are you, a cigarette girl?

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone again, pushing her hair into her mouth ]

Cynthia: [ fixing hair ] No. I don’t smoke. Look, this ice is dangerous, and no one is doing anything about it.

Herb: Well, there you have it. You call it a bikini, but I call it too far. Back to you, Jack.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: No, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Herb. Stay on topic, Herb.

Herb: What?

Jack: Stay on topic. You know, ask your source if anyone’s been injured, or something like that.

Herb: Don’t direct me, you tie rack.

[ cut back to Herb and Cynthia ] [ Herb gestures to wave Jack off ]

Herb: Alright. Hey. Hey. Who’s injured? [ hits Cynthia in the face with microphone ]

Cynthia: [ throws hand up ] No one, thank God. It’s only a matter of time before someone’s hurt, or worse.

Herb: You think this Belafonte kid oughta, you know, pipe down?

[ Herb thrusts microphone at Cynthia, who blocks it with her purse. Microphone rebounds and hits Herb in the face ]

Herb: [ covering mouth ] Got me in the mouth.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Wanda ] Wanda: Herb. Herb, have residents lodged a formal complaint with the co-op board?

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, this lady.

Wanda: Herb. Herb, ask her.

Herb: Shouldn’t you be changing hotel linens somewhere?

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: No. No, Herb. Herb, Wanda is a respected journalist. Now ask the question.

Herb: Aw, you stink on ice.

[ cut to Herb and Cynthia ] Cynthia: [ pointing ] Look, our co-op president is right over there. And she has repeatedly ignored our requests. She even sent me a memo telling us not to speak with reporters.

[ camera pans to Co-Op President ]

Co-Op President: [ pointing at camera ] My god, that is slander! I’ve done nothing of the sort!

Herb: Alright, and that’s the news. For G.I. Radio, this is Private Herbie Welch reminding you to keep your socks dry.

Jack: [ off-screen ] No, no, no. No, Herb, do the story.

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Jack: Do it. Do the story, please.

Herb: [ muttering ] Oh, “do the st…”—alright.

[ cut to Herb at apartment complex ] Herb: [ reaching towards Co-Op President, waving her over ] Come here. [ grabs Co-Op President’s shoulder and fondles, hand moving up to her face ] Come here. [ puts arm around her shoulder ] Tell me, sir — how’s a fellow like you fit into all this? [ hits in face with mic ]

Co-Op President: I’m a woman.

Herb: Woman, huh? [ takes off glasses ] Let me see.

[ Herb takes microphone and rubs down her chest, then taps each of her breasts repeatedly ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. Herb. Herb.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President in the crotch with microphone repeatedly, winding arm back further each time ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] No. No, come on. Herb.

[ Herb taps Co-Op President in the crotch quickly, then winds back and hits her like a gong ]

Jack: [ off-screen ] Herb! Aw, man. Come on.

Herb: [ puts glasses back on ] Don’t worry, ma’am. There’s always a life in the church.

Co-Op President: Dinosaur. [ starts hitting Herb with clipboard ]

Herb: Ah, get away from me.

Jack: [ off-screen ] Ah, come on, Herb. Herb!

[ cut to split screen of Herb and Jack ] Herb: That guy attacked me.

Jack: Well, you know, Herb, maybe it’s time you look into retirement.

Herb: [ pointing at camera ] You talk to me like that again, I’ll have my secretary Amilda fire off a memo.

Jack: No. Amilda’s not your secretary, Herb. She’s your nurse.

Herb: That woman is mean to me.

Jack: Well, I don’t blame her.

Herb: [ rushing the camera ] You son of a — [ starts hitting camera with microphone ]

Jack: Just cut away. Just cut away, please. Okay.

[ cut to news room ] Jack: As always, we apologize to you in the Hispanic and unattractive communities. Up next, Occupy Wall Street enters its third month —

[ someone hands Jack a piece of paper, which he reads briefly ]

Jack: But first, some sad news. We’ve just received word that our own Herb Welch died five seconds ago. Herb, seen here with his protégé Andy Rooney —

[ cut to black and white photograph of Herb Welch hitting Andy Rooney in the face with microphone ] [ cut back to Jack ] Jack: — had been in ill health for some time. We go there now.

[ cut to Cynthia and Co-Op President at apartment complex with Herb, who is frozen in a cadaveric spasm ] Co-Op President: [ speaking into walkie-talkie ] Yeah, can we get a, uh, body removal? We have an elderly dead body.

Herb: [ revives ] Eat mic, Ponzi.

[ Herb hits Co-Op President with microphone. Co-Op President goes down ]

Cynthia: This man is awful —

[ Herb hits Cynthia with microphone, who goes down as well ]

Herb: [ raising hand ] Herb Welch lives.

[ cut to news room ] Jack: [ shaking head ] Just terrible.

Wanda: Can’t we fire him?

[ Herb’s hand comes from right off-screen and hits Wanda in the face with microphone ]

Jack: [ gestures at Wanda and laughs ] [ Herb’s hand comes from left off-screen and hits Jack in the face with microphone ]

Jack: Oh — [ grimaces ] [ cut to WXPD title card ]

Jill Clayburgh’s Relationships Song

(fade to Jill Clayburgh sitting at Home Base, as a sole piano plays in the background. The spoken parts are upright, the sung parts are in italics.)

 

Jill: When someone comes to your house and tells you this semi-funny story about the first time he ever French kissed,

And you nod real hard all through it to show there’s no little details that you missed,

And you say “that’s hysterical,” three thousand times and you laugh in all the funny places,

And at the serious parts you try to make these…real…serious…faces.

And when he says “you look like you want pizza,” even though you don’t you lie.

And you say

“sure, why not?” when he says “Hey,

You wanna get high?”

 

And when you reach over for the ashtray real casual, you let your breasts brush up against his thigh,
And you make this real cute funny thing out of picking ashes that he dropped off his fly.

And when he wants to watch Baretta and The Philadelphia Stories on channel nine,

You,

To be nice, say, “Baretta? Fine.

Not just fine, perfect!

I was also in a Baretta mood.

I love watching the bodies jerk after the bullets hit them.

That’s my favorite thing, next to food.”

 

And in the next few weeks you’re finding out how stupid his hair looks when he gets out of the shower,

And pretty soon you don’t even have to tell him to please order you a whiskey sour,

And you laugh when he talks like Donald Duck and at jokes that he’s told you before,

And when you’re in the bathroom you stop secretly fearing that he’s going through your underwear drawer.

And you pay all this attention to his big impassioned speech about how they’ve screwed up our air,

And when he’s done, you point to his mouth and say,

“Hey you’ve got something, it’s hanging right there.”

And another thing,

You’ve both confessed you both actually cried at Father Knows Best.

You’re so close, you remember where he left his left glove

And in bed, you find these clever things to say that don’t contain the word “love,”

Like, “because my arm’s asleep, that’s why.”

 

And pretty soon he’s telling you these stories about how lately he’s getting to know his folks,

And you’re telling him that it really truly upsets you that he smokes,

But still one night as you clean up the Chinese food and the Cokes,

It suddenly occurs to you that he doesn’t get ninety percent of your jokes,

And he didn’t call for three whole days when you had that cold,

And he didn’t disagree when you said, “I’m starting to look old,”

And he actually thinks it’s cool to say “ciao” instead of “goodbye,”

And he didn’t even thank you for that hilarious antique tie.

He’s cold, he’s insensitive, immature, the worst you could have found.

And you realize you love him.

Why? ‘Cause he’s around.

Dance Studio

Christina:
Good morning, people! I hope you are ready to dance! Now, for those of you who don’t know me, I am Jillian Chizz. Yes, THE Jillian Chizz.

Taran:
I saw her on Broadway in “Chicago”.

Nasim:
I heard she studied with Bob Fosse.

Bobby:
Yeah, I hear she’s an amazing teacher.

Kenan:
Well, I hope so, because I have an audition tomorrow, and I need to learn how to dance.

Christina:
Okay, let’s get started! Now, my technique is deeply rooted in Fosse. Okay, so if you are not familiar with Bob Fosse’s style, okay, huh, here’s a quick review:

[She poses.] This is Fosse!

[Another pose.] This is Fosse!

[A leg kick.] That is Fosse!

[Jazz hands.] This … is not Fosse. Okay? If I see any of you doing that, I will be doing this, which is me pointing to the door. But like this, because that is Fosse! All right, dolls? Okay! Now, let’s have two lines of three.

Taran:
Um, there’s only four of us.

Christina:
[Sighs.] As the great Tommy Tune said to me, “Just find it and play with it.” Okay? Here we go! I’m gonna show you the first eight. Are you ready? Here we go:

[Dances.] Ah, konk, ka-konk, konk, ka ka, za bow, za ba za, bizzee bizzee, ka ka ka ka.

Moving on, ready? Here we go!

Nasim:
Wait, I’m confused.

Taran:
Yeah, sorry, you just said “donka donka”.

Christina:
Yes, that’s correct. And from the donka donka, we have a konk! We have a zow za zow zow! You got that? All right, come on!

Kenan:
This don’t make no sense!

Christina:
There will come a time when you feel the ka-donk, all right? Now, from there, we are in the deep ka-doonk, all right?

Bobby:
Okay, I’m sorry, I … I’m lost.

Taran:
Yeah, maybe it would help if you gave us normal counts, like one-two-three-four.

Christina:
Oh, silly! This is Fosse, honey. We don’t do one, two, threes! We do ka-donks, ka-dooks, za zas, all right?

Kenan:
So, a ka-dook is a three? That don’t make no sense.

Christina:
Okay, you people know who I am, right? You know that I’ve been on The Broadway, right? You’ve heard the Tommy Tune stories, I’m sure, right? We were a hot item! And for that one crazy night, he loved me with every bit of his body except for his dong. Do you understand that? I would say it was hard on me, but no, really it just laid there like a steamed carrot.

Kenan:
Why, why’d you tell that story? It’s a bad reflection on you. That don’t make no sense!

Christina:
Okay, moving on! Moving on!

Bobby:
Miss Chizz? Miss Chizz? Could we just see the dance from the beginning just one more time?

Christina:
Okay, darling. I am tough, but I am not unreasonable. All right, I’ll give you some counts if it’ll make you happy. Okay, here we go: [Sarcastically:] Ah, five, six, seven, eight.

Konk, ka-donk, konk, ka konk, ka ka ka ka ka pow, za bow zow ba za zizz za zizz-a-zizz zizz zizz, ohnzee bow bow sa gohnzee bow bow, one, two, bon mot, down, zippety-boo-boo, a-zibbely-bow bow!

That’s great! Let’s do it with music, from the top!

Taran:
Wait, we don’t know it yet!

Christina:
Just find it, darling! Own it! [Starts the record.] Come on, pulse, pulse, people! Pose, come on, dance! That was it, come on, you missed it!

Kenan:
This don’t make no sense!

Christina:
[Dragging needle across record.] What’s your name?

Kenan:
Charles.

Christina:
Charles! What is not making sense to you?

Kenan:
Well, the whole thing. You. Tommy Tune. This song. This class. You. Look, I have an audition tomorrow, and I told them I could dance. I lied to them, Miss Chizz! This needs to start making seeee-ence.

Christina:
I see. Does everyone feel this way? Because I have been doing this for ka-konk and a half years, people!

Bobby:
Yeah, I don’t even know what you mean by ka-konk. Wait… [Dance move.] Ka-konk! Oh, my god! I just felt something!

Taran:
[Dance move.] Ka-konk! Me too!

Nasim:
[Dance move.] Ka-konk! Ooh, I felt that deep in my za-zay!

Kenan:
I don’t know why we’re even talking about this. I’m just gonna go, because it doesn’t seem like it makes any sense… [Leg kick.] Skree-doosh! Whoa!

Christina:
Yes!

Kenan:
It makes a whole lot of sense!

Christina:
You’ve got it! You’ve got it, all of you! Now, from the top! Here we go!

Ka-donk, konk, konk, ka-donk, konk, ka zow za za bow bow ba-zippety dum dum….

Dongs All Over the World

Aidy: Hey, did you guys hear about Janelle?

Cecily: Oh, yes! Turns out her man’s been pimping all over the world.

Anna: Yeah, he’s got hoes in different area codes.

Sasheer: That’s hot!!

Kate: And you know what, girls? That gives me [faces the camera] a nasty idea!

Kate:
We’re tired of sitting home while the guys have all the fun.
So we’re getting on a plane, gonna show ’em how it’s done.

Aidy:
Flying international with one thing on our minds,
and it’s not the type of thing you find in a travel guide.

Sasheer:
Not lookin’ for a art museum,
Not lookin’ for a mausoleum.
This ain’t the trip to see ’em —

Ensemble:
We. Just. Want. Those.
Dongs all over the world,
London, Paris, Tel Aviv.
Dongs all over the world,
Every woman’s fantasy!
Dongs all over the world,
Me llamo nasty girl!
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Cecily:
One hundred ninety-six countries —
now that’s a lot of dongs!
All I packed is travel shampoo
and fifteen hundred thongs.

Anna:
Each dong is like a snowflake,
except that it’s a dong,
and we gotta catch ’em all
like sexual Pokemon!

Aidy:
Filling up my passport,
it’s all about quantity.
I’m a modern day Columbus,
and I claim this dong for me!

Cecily:
Time to drink some water,
and we rest our tired eyes.
Soon as we get off the plane,
our eyes are on the prize.

Sasheer:
The prize ain’t the Mona Lisa
or the Leaning Tower of Pisa
or the Pyramids of Giza.

Ensemble:
The. Prize. Is. The.
Dongs all over the world,
Venice, Shanghai, Venice Beach.
Dongs all over the world,
fifty hours without sleep.
Dongs all over the world,
ich bin nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Anna:
Here’s a quick tip that ya need to know
when ya travellin’ the world with your girls in tow.
Keep a tight schedule and ya can’t go wrong.
You’ll see none of the country, but all of the dongs.
Nine PM, get off the plane.
9:01, go find the dongs.
9:02, destroy the dongs.
9:03, back on the plane!

Icona Pop:
Ladies, these are your captains speaking.
It is now safe and mandatory to move about the cabin.

Ensemble:
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I love it.
hey, hey, hey, hey, dong, dong, dong, dong.

Vanessa:
So, do you live in Istanbul?

Aidy:
No, uh, I’m actually an international nasty girl
and my friends and I are doing every dong in the world.

Vanessa:
Oh. That’s nice.

Ensemble:
Dongs all over the world,
Hong Kong, Florence, Philippines,
Dongs all over the world,
gimme, gimme, gimme please!
Dongs all over the world,
je suis nasty girl.
Dong dong dong dong dong dong
Dongs all over the world.

Weekend Update- The Bidens and Carters Take a Picture & the Most Instagrammable Bird

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden with Jimmy Carter and his wife at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: a photo taken of president Biden visiting with Jimmy Carter and his wife has gone viral for an odd angle that makes Biden look like a giant next to the former president. Even weirder, when you zoom out, they’re all being held by Giuliani. [When zoomed out, they all are inside a crystal ball that Giuliani is holding.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of South Carolina map at right top corner.]

Michael Che: South Carolina lawmakers voted to add firing squad to its execution method. And I think it’s nice that people will finally get chance to be shot after they’re found guilty.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

Pennsylvania police arrested a couple after they raided their home and discovered $1 million worth of meth. For reference, this is what $1fif million worth of meth looks like. [Picture changes to people rioting at the Capitol] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of grass at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Police say that a woman who went missing nearly six months ago was found in a tent in a forest in Utah living off grass and moss. Authorities believe the woman either had mental health issues or read an article on “Goop”.

[Picture changes to an article on Goop that says “Why you should try the all grass and moss diet”.] [Picture changes to Disney Land]

Disney Land Snow White ride is being criticized because prince charming kisses Snow White without he consent while she was asleep. Which still isn’t as bad as Universal Studio’s new “Cosby the Ride”.

[Picture changes to handcuffs]

A professional golfer in Florida was arrested after he tried to meet a 15 year old girl he met online who turned out to be a detective. Said the golfer, “Mulligan”? Sadly there’s more. For those of you wondering, in golf terms a 15 year old is 3 under par.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of McDonald’s logo at right top corner.]

Michael Che: A New Jersey woman has filed a lawsuit against McDonald’s claiming that a burger wrapper she was given was smeared with excrement. In fairness, she ordered the number two.

[Picture changes to Los Angeles city]

The population of Los Angeles has fallen for the third straight year. Well, it’s like Colin always says, “LA is just not the same without Harvey.”

[Cut to Colin Jost laughing. There’s a picture of a bird at right top corner.]

You alway say it.

Colin Jost: Thanks. It’s cool. Researchers have determined that the most Instagrammable bird is an Australian species called ‘Tawny Frogmouth’. Well, the least Instagrammable bird is once again, Larry.

Weekend Update- Rocket Crashes to Earth

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a rocket at left top corner.]

I don’t know if you guys were following the news today, but a space rocket that was spinning out of control just minutes ago crashed into the ocean. And for once, we know, it’s not Elon’s fault. [Picture changes to Elon Musk hosing SNL monologue.] A lot of people have been wondering, “Why is he hosting our show?” And now we know, it’s because he needed an Alibi.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jeff Bezos at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Jeff Bezos’s rocket company ‘Blue Origin’ is auctioning off one seat on a first flight of its passenger rocket. Wow. Why are all these rich white people trying to go to space? Look, if there’s any Martian watching this, when you see a bunch of foreign ships pull up on your land, take it from a black dude, don’t get on them. Unless you want to be the martian with the last name ‘Washington’.

[cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Prominent white nationalists posting manifestos” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A prominent white nationalist has begun posting manifestos online. I’m sorry, that was the sub-headline. The headline was “Donald Trump launched new blog”. That’s right. Disgraced fast food spokesman Donald Trump has launched a website called ‘From the desk of Donald J. Trump’. Though more accurate name would be ‘From the brain fog of long-haul covid’.

[Picture changes to republican elephant logo]

I don’t understand why the republican party is still betting their entire future on Trump. He turns 75 next month. It’s like getting your family an old dog and saying, “Hey, kids, invest all your emotions in this.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ron DeSantis at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Florida governor Ron DeSantis who played the short bully in “A Christmas Story” signed new restrictive voting laws that limits the locations of drop boxes and new requirements for voting my mail. Wow. Since when does Florida care so much about the law? Last time I was in Florida, I saw a lady lighting fireworks  with a crack pipe. Worst gender reveal ever!

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Evangelicals hesitant about vaccine” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Experts say that one of the biggest obstacles to hurt immunity is that many white evangelical christians are refusing the vaccine. And look, evangelical christians, I know you guys want to get into heaven, but it’s not a race.

[Picture changes to a news article that says “CVS responsible for half of unused vaccines”]

A report also shows that CVS is responsible for half of all unused vaccine shots in the nation. CVS is also responsible for half of the nation’s room temperature white claw. I guess that we should have expected top-notch inventory management from the store that that’s still trying to unload Halloween candy in March.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kamala Harris at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kamala Harris will become the first vice president to be featured as a wax figure at Madame Tussauds wax museum. Well, Joe Biden is the first wax figure to become the president.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Verizon, Aol and yahoo! logos at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Verison will sell Aol and yahoo!, I assume to the year 1998.

[picture changes to Andrew Cuomo]

New York governor Andrew Cuomo announced that the broadway could reopen in September 14th. Except for the new musical about Cuomo’s handling of the pandemic, “Nursinghoma!”

Weekend Update- Financial Expert Lloyd Ostertag on Cryptocurrency

Michael Che

Lloyd Ostertag… Elon Musk

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, it was another great week for investors with the stock market reaching record highs and crypto currency continuing to boom, here to explain crypto currency is Weekend Update financial expert, Lloyd Ostertag.

[Lloyd Ostertag slides in] [cheers and applause]

Lloyd Ostertag: Thank you, Michael. Call me the Doge father.

Michael Che: Okay, Doge father. [cheers and applause] Hang on. I got to ask you something. For our viewers who may not know anything about this, what are crypto currencies?

Lloyd Ostertag: They’re type of digital money but instead of being controlled by central government, they’re decentralized using blockchain technology. And lately, prices have been soaring for cryptos like Bitcoin, Etherium and specially Dogecoin.

Michael Che: Oh, right. Now, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it actually started as a joke based on an internet meme. But now it’s taken off in a very real way.

Michael Che: Okay. But what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it was created in 2013 and has a circulating supply of 117 billion coins of which 113 billion have already been mined.

Michael Che: Alright, cool. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, like I said, it’s a digital currency.

Michael Che: Like, for instance, [pulls out a dollar bill] this is a dollar, right? It’s real.

Lloyd Ostertag: Sort of.

Michael Che: Yeah. So, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: It’s about as real as that dollar.

Michael Che: Hey, Colin, are you making any sense of this?

Colin Jost: I’ve actually been reading a lot about it. Yes. And I’m trying to diversify my investment portfolio. My question is, what is Dogecoin?

Lloyd Ostertag: I’m glad you asked.

Michael Che: Still a question.

Lloyd Ostertag: Well, it’s a future of currency. It’s an unstoppable financial vehicle that’s going to take over the world.

Michael Che: I get that. But what is it, man?

Lloyd Ostertag: I keep telling you, it’s a crypto currency you can trade for conventional money.

Michael Che: Oh! So, it’s a hustle.

Lloyd Ostertag: Yeah, it’s a hustle.

Michael Che: Why didn’t you say that, man? Doge Father, everybody.

Lloyd Ostertag: To the moon!

Weekend Update- Baby Yoda on Star Wars Day Celebrations

Michael Che

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Well, this past Tuesday was May the 4th, aka Star Wars Day. Here to share his thoughts on what Star Wars means to him is star of the Mandalorian, Baby Yoda.

[Baby Yoda slides in] [cheers and applause]

Baby Yoda: [shouting] Whoa! This side, say what? This side, say what?

Michael Che: Whoa! That’s some great energy, Baby Yoda. Happy Star Wars Day. How did you celebrate?

Baby Yoda: Let’s see. I smoked weed and took pills because I’m not like a nerd. You know, I really love the fans. And I actually think they’re cool. [looks at Michael Che and shakes his head no]

Michael Che: Yeah, I think I got it. Thanks for being here. You’re looking pretty jacked. I mean, have you been working out?

Baby Yoda: Oh, yeah. I’ve been hitting the gym. You know, getting my sets in. Yeah. And actually, I’d like to take this opportunity to announce I’m dedicating my life to MMA style fighting.

Michael Che: Wow, really?

Baby Yoda: Yeah. I got the bug. Big trade, holler at my boys, Jake and Logan Paul. They got to be eating right, getting on that treadmill and taking a significant amount of performance-enhancing drugs.

Michael Che: Come on, man.

Baby Yoda: Ay, look what I can, Che. [punching] Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! At the end of the day, get me against the ropes, I can hit them with “I’m just a baby”, Blap! Bye-bye.

Michael Che: Wow, man. I’m really happy for you.

Baby Yoda: Yeah, man. My life is a movie right now. I’m doing the fighting. I got a great group of friends. And we all young, horny and famous.

Michael Che: Okay. So, who are you friends?

Baby Yoda: So, it’s me, Chalamet, cousin Greg, the kid from Anari, and of course, Lightening McQueen from Cars. These are all designated driver. Wink!

Michael Che: See, okay, I don’t love that.

Baby Yoda: No, you do. And if you don’t, I’ll be like, Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Come on, Che. You can’t do nothing. I’ve got that McDonald’s money.

Michael Che: McDonald’s? We don’t know what you’re talking about.

Baby Yoda: Alright. Yes. So, McDonald’s is doing this limited edition Baby Yoda meal. Yeah, it’s a quarter pounder, small soda, two big ass eggs, and a little baggie of MDMA.

Michael Che: Oh my god. Is that supposed to be good for you?

Baby Yoda: Hhhhhhhhhhhhell yeah!

Michael Che: You need to relax.

Baby Yoda: Not really. But one last thing. June 23rd, Ceasars palace, pay-per-view, me and Baby Groot, hand to hand in a little ass ring. 0-0. Baby Groot, I look forward to seeing you. I know it’s for charity, but I do intend to end your life that night. I will kill you. And I will enjoy it.

Michael Che: Alright! Baby Yoda, everybody.

Weekend Update- A Weary Mother in Her Darkest Hour on Disney’s Reopening

Michael Che

Pauline… Ego Nwodim

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: After being closed more than a year, Disney Land reopened last week and here to talk about her experience is Pauline, a weary mother in her darkest hour.

[Pauline slides in]

Pauline: Oh, Michael, Michael, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, how are you doing, Pauline? So, you must feel good. You just got on the happiest place on earth.

Pauline: The happiest place on earth? For who? I am not happy. No, no, no. I am tired. I stood in line for two hours in Splash mountain so I could sit my haggard ass in a log flume only to have that very flume break down. Well, Mr. Splash Mountain, you don’t think I want to break down sometimes doing all I do for these kids? Well, I do. You want to know the difference between me and you, Mr. Splash Mountain? I don’t get to break down. I just keep on getting my back blown out.

Michael Che: Alright. That sounds like a very different thing. But I hear you. I understand.

Pauline: Then I stood up to see I had been sitting in an inch of foul Disney water. Spent the rest of the day looking like I pee’d my pants. Sitting in my wet pants, eating a slice of pizza as thick as a book. That park ain’t right, Michael. That park is not right.

Michael Che: Alright. What did your kids think about being back at the park?

Pauline: Why does everything have to be about kids? I used to be a little sexual thing, Michael. I did. You know, men used to buy me appetizers. Multiple appetizers. I was somebody. Now I’m dragging babies from Jungle Cruise to Sleeping Beauty’s castle. Sleeping Beauty? Why is that hussy so tired? She don’t have kids. I could be pretty too. But I sleep on my feet like a horse.

Michael Che: Yes. I’m sure your kids appreciate your sacrifice. I mean, did they have fun at least?

Pauline: I don’t know. You tell me. They spent the whole day moaning and groaning, “Mommy, I wanna meet Mickey. Mommy, I want a hug from Mickey. Mommy, why can’t Mickey be my mommy?” You wanna know what I said to those kids? You wanna know what I said?

Michael Che: Not really, but I think you’re going to tell me.

Pauline: I said [sad music playing] I have given you kids every part of me. I’ve given you my blood, my sweat, my tears. I have given you my neck, my back. And as for my pushy and my crack, oho! You ripped those away from me a long time ago.

Michael Che: Oh, wait. Hold on! Where are your kids right now?

Pauline: Oh, check you out. Now you want to be worried about our kids?

Michael Che: Our kids?

Pauline: Yeah. CJ is starting to look just like you.

Michael Che: Who is CJ?

Pauline: Che Junior.

Michael Che: Wait a minute. His name is Che Jr. Che?

Pauline: Yes. Yes, it is. And when little CJ wanted a souvenir, I showed my breasts to Goofy for some Mardi Gras Beads in the French quarter. Turns out I ain’t have to do all that. They were complimentary.

Michael Che: Aw, Pauline, everybody!

Pauline: Who’s gonna fast pass me?

 

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.