Weekend Update- Vin Diesel Releases Song

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: Mitch McConnell seen here calmly watching an injured puppy try to cross a busy highway, said that the senate would move forward with a vote on Trump’s supreme court nominee even though he denied Obama’s nominee a vote in Michael Che0Colin Jost6. And if that makes you angry at Mitch McConnell, you’re going to be really upset when you find out your anger sexually excites him.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tennessee Titans logo at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: That’s gross. The Tennessee Titans halted in person wokouts after three players tested positive for the coronavirus. Well, I guess we’ve got to cancel the whole season and forget it ever happened, said the New York Jets.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says ‘woman arrested for importing bull semen’ at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: This is fun. A Canadian was fined more than $Michael Che5,000 for illegally importing bull semen. Meanwhile, in the US, bull semen is sold legally under the name ‘White Claw’. [Picture changes to three cans of White Claw soda.] [Picture changes to a news article that says ‘New law making boards of directors more diverse’.]

A new law has been passed in California requiring companies to have more diversity in their board of directors, which is how I forced my way on to the board of BET. “BET, there’s gonna be some changes around here.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a lizard at right top corner.]

 Michael Che: The CDC reported that there’s a salmonella outbreak involving people who had pet bearded dragons. So, if you have one at home, remember to cook them all the way through.

[Picture changes to Vin Diesel]

Actor Vin Diesel has released a dance music song called “Feel like I do.” And look, I know a lot of people are making fun of him and saying it’s terrible and he should stick to acting…

[Michael Che looks away] [Cut to Colin Jost. He is waiting for Michael Che to finish. There’s a picture of Pogo stick at left top corner.]

 Colin Jost: A seven year old boy in Pennsylvania set a new world record by bouncing on a pogo stick over Michael Che,000 times in a row. Said the boys parents, “Open the schools!”

Weekend Update- Trump Tests Positive for Covid

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Hello. Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s an article that says “Trump Tests Positive” and a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Well, say what you will about 2020, but it’s got moves. This news was a lot for us to process a day before we came on air after four months off. And it all happened so fast, I woke up yesterday and heard the president had mild symptoms. And then four hours later, he was getting medevaced to a hospital in what looked like the last chopper at Vietnam. I gotta say, it’s a bad sign for America that when Trump said he tested positive for a virus, 60% of people were like, “Prove it.” And it’s been very weird to see all these people who clearly hate Trump come out and say, “We wish him well.” I think a lot of them are just guilty that their first wish came true.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Yeah, well, you know, politics aside, this is an awful news for us because Trump was actually supposed to host SNL next week. [laughing] Okay, serious voice. While in the hospital, the president isn’t allowed to see any guest but he is expected to be visited by three ghosts, probably one from his past, one from his future. Okay, look, this is weird because a lot of people on both sides are saying there’s nothing funny about Trump being hospitalized with coronavirus, even though he marked the safety precautions for the coronavirus and those people are obviously wrong. There’s a lot funny about this. Maybe not from a moral stand point, but mathematically. If you were constructing a joke, this is all the ingredients you need. The problem is, it’s almost too funny. Like, it’s so on the note. It’d be like if I was making fun of people who wear belts and then my pants just immediately fell down.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden and LGBTQ flag at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new poll shows 75% of LGBTQ voters supports Joe Biden. But 0% of them support Joe Biden guessing what the BTQ stand for. I gotta say, you know who’s got my support for president? [Picture changes to Adam Silver and NBA logo] NBA commissioner Adam Silver. He somehow built a bubble that is better than anything our government could come up with. Instead of stopping the bubble when the season ends, why don’t they just slowly expand it until it covers the whole country? Just saying.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Michael Che at right top corner.]

Michael Che: By the way, is anyone surprised by this? I honestly thought Trump was trying to get coronavirus. I thought it was like “Groundhog Day” when Bill Murray knew he couldn’t die and he was just trying anything. So, all those maskless rallies Trump was having, that was him being safe? But I don’t want the president to die, obviously. Actually, I wish him a very lengthy recovery.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: And I will say that despite everything, president Trump actually seems to be in good spirits. He tweeted a message that ended with ‘love’ and three exclamation points. Oh-oh. So, it sounds like they’re cutting his hydroxychloroquine with a little bit of molly. And then, this was good. Just hours ago, Trump released a video from the hospital saying he’s in better health which is great news. Though, I will point out, that if the situation were reversed and it was Biden who got sick, Trump would have Colin Jost00% be at a maskless rally tonight getting huge laughs doing an impression of Biden on a ventilator. Just saying.

Weekend Update- Chen Biao on TikTok

Chen Biao… Bowen Yang

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: This week, a judge blocked America’s ban on the Chinese owned app TikTok which the White House claims is a threat to national security. And here to comment is Chinese Trade Minister, Chen Biao

[Chen Biao slides in] [cheers and applause]

Chen Biao: What’s poppin’ Michae Che? Trade daddy dropped the addie.

Michael Che: Well, it’s good to see you, Chen. So, you’re the one overseeing this TikTok deal?

Chen Biao: Yeah. No one else could do it but me coz I’m a savage, classy, boozy, loyal supplicant to the communist party.

Michael Che: Well, speaking of that, there’s concern the government of China could be stealing our data? Our user data with this TikTok app? What do you think it is?

Chen Biao: Okay. You’re worried that we’re stealing your identity? Honey, your phone unlocks with your face. Plus, America steals Chinese stuff everyday. Banning parts of the internet, arresting protestors, fireworks. It’s a hypocrisy for me, Che.

Michael Che: So, you’re not collecting our user data?

Chen Biao: I mean, we have it. But none of it is even that juicy. Like, “Oh, you googled ‘cousin greg shirtless’ Michael Che0 times last month.” You’re not quirky. You’re just horny, Savannah.

Michael Che: Who is Savannah?

Chen Biao: Some girl who said she is ‘doing the work’ on racism from her family’s house in Nantucket. Boat shoe wearing bitch!

Michael Che: Oh, well, the deal requires that TikTok be partially owned by an American company which is most likely gonna be Walmart.

Chen Biao: [sarcasm] Ooh. Walmart, brick and mortar, cool. How long did that brainstorm last? Look, if you said name an American company and I said “Walmart”, that would make me racist. But I guess cracker barrel didn’t want to play ball.

Michael Che: Alright. So, you seem pretty annoyed.

Chen Biao: I mean, yeah. I’m salty, Che. This has been a really hard time for China.

Michael Che: Because of the virus?

Chen Biao: No. Because live action Mulan was just okay. No songs, no mushu, no $30 from me, Disney Plus.

Michael Che: Well, does all this make you worried about the future of TikTok?

Chen Biao: Oh, no, babe. You cannot stop TikTok. We took videos and we made them shorter. We took babies and we made them cuter. We took lip syncs and we made them straight. So, you wanna stop China and get in the way of us? Well, I just checked my Fenty collab Rolex an you’re running out of time, so…

[Cut to a TikTok video of Chen Biao. It’s a female dialog and Chen Biao is doing the lip sync.]

Female voice: Girl, don’t do it. It’s not worth it. I’m not going to do it, girl. I was just thinking about it. I’m not gonna do it.

Chen Biao: TikTok!

Michael Che: Chen Biao, everybody.

[Cut back to Chen Biao and Michael Che]

Chen Biao: I get it. I get it.

Weekend Update- Carrie Krum on Vacationing During the Pandemic

Carrie Krum… Aidy Bryant

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tourism and airplane travel have been hit, specially hard by the coronavirus this year. Here to comment on the changing state of her industry is seventh grade travel expert Carrie Krum.

[Carrie Krum slides in]

Carrie Krum: Wow! I missed you, Michael.

Michael Che: Hey, Carrie. I missed you too. How was your summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, it was awesome. My mom bought a chef hat for when I make pizza and my brother shot me twice with a paint ball gun.

Michael Che: Well, that’s pretty impressive. So, Carrie, you must have been sad that you couldn’t take any of your fun trips this summer?

Carrie Krum: Oh, Michael. Being at home is the ultimate vacation. You got my room, my mom’s room, a small decorative box filled with my baby teeth, and an irrigation ditch where all my pets were laid to rest. And did you know, Michael? Church is illegal right now, so we listen to it on the radio. And Michael… Michael… I listened to church in a tankini.

Michael Che: Oh, that all sounds fun. So, what are some tips on how people can enjoy a good stay-cation?

Carrie Krum: Oh! Well, bring the beach to you with something my family likes to call ‘the hose in the driveway’. It’s like a refreshing pool where you don’t have to know where you swim and the water tastes like dirt and metal.

Michael Che: Okay, Carrie. Well, what about something fun for kids who are going back to school online?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. You gotta make the best of the hard times. I mean, I am loving computer school. I’m never on mute, I’m always talking, always moving, and I can’t stop looking at myself. And I didn’t think that I could ever have a crush over Zoom but Jack Mathers, I mean during Social Studies, I can see his bed room. And Michael… Michael… he’s got a big lizard in there. Bad boy. Ooh!

Michael Che: Okay, yeah. Alright. Well, is it hard to not hangout with your friends at least?

Carrie Krum: Well, technically, I’m never alone because fairies are real and when it rains, it becomes easier to see them.

Michael Che: So, it sounds like you actually sort of thrived in quarantine?

Carrie Krum: Well, yeah. Except for– Well, my mom said I need to get… [mumbling]

Michael Che: A what?

Carrie Krum: A tank-top with support. It’s not a bra, but it do press down.

Michael Che: Oh my gosh.

Carrie Krum: And then my brother Mitchell found it and he put it on and he stuffed toilet paper in the holders, and he was walking around doing a chi-chi dance and I screamed so loud that my dad thought that I had been hurt. Whatever though. I started drinking sprite out of a coffee cup. So, I’m adult.

Michael Che: Carrie Krum, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

The Drew Barrymore Show

Drew, Reese Witherspoon, Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Tom Green… Alex Moffat

Billy Porter… Kenan Thompson

[starts with a show intro]

Male voice: There’s a new face in Daytime.

Drew: Hello to all my beautiful wild flowers.

Male voice: After seeing what went down with Ellen, we took a hard turn in the other direction.

Drew: I am just like you. A Bo-ho free spirit mommy mother movie star since I was six.

Male voice: It’s the Drew Barrymore show.

Drew: How do you do?

Male voice: Tune in to see her have a blast by herself in a big empty studio.

Drew: Holy, moly, oly.

Male voice: Watch as she connects to her Zoom audience.

Drew: Thank you for being my VFF. Virtual Friends Forever.

Male voice: Drew gives back to worthy families in the best way she can.

[Drew is talking to Linda via Zoom in her show]

Drew: How are you holding up?

Linda: You know, it’s been tough. My husband and I are working from home. And we have almost $50,000 in hospital bills.

Drew: I feel that, Linda. And that’s why we’re paying… to renovate your walk in closet! Yay!

Linda: My what?

Male voice: And don’t worry about her being mean to the crew. [Drew runs towards her cameraman to hug him, but he is trying to avoid her.] They say he maintains eye contact too long and is too emotionally supportive.

Drew: I’m a hugger.

Cameraman: No!

Drew: Okay.

Male voice: Be the third wheel in a celebrity catch up.

[Drew is on her show with Reese Witherspoon]

Drew: My best friend Reese Witherspoon, the best woman on earth.

Reese Witherspoon: Girl, you are literally a mom here.

Drew: I marvel at you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you more than Oprah.

Drew: I love you.

Reese Witherspoon: I love you so much, I want to come into your room and murder you with a butter spoon.

Male voice: Get Drew’s take on the news.

Drew: Hot off the press, brushing your teeth is a game changer.

Male voice: And stay tuned for a harrowing catch up between Drew and her ex-husband Tom Green.

[Drew is on her show with Tom Green]

Drew: It’s been what? 15 years?

Tom Green: Yeah. Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Male voice: You want guests? Drew texts everyone in her phone and interviews whoever shows up.  Like, Nicole Kidman.

[Drew is on her show with Nicole Kidman]

Drew: Thank you for for allowing me to be on your show.

Nicole Kidman: Drew, this is your show.

Drew: Oh my god. Thank you.

Male voice: At least someone’s enjoying 2020.

Drew: And now sensual homosexual Billy Porter singing to a flower.

[Cut to Billy Porter singing to a flower. He is wearing high heels.]

Billy Porter: [singing] Edelweiss
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
Is this happening? Or am I kind of high?

Male voice: The Drew Barrymore show. You’re in your bed anyway. Just watch it!

Superspreader Event

Ashley… Heidi Gardner

Dylan Bertran… Mikey Day

Edith Puthie… Ego Nwodim

Irma Gerd… Lauren Holt

Kevin Joseph… Chris Rock

Doctor… Pete Davidson

Mike Rodick… Beck Bennett

Jeffery B. Epstein… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Action 9 News at Five intro]

Male voice: Action 9 News at Five, Eye on Pittsburgh.

[Cut to Ashley in her set]

Ashley: Our top story, a potential super spreading event has occurred at the Pittsburgh federal building. With more on this, we go to Dylan Bertran at the scene. Dylan, it seems like the story is going really viral (intending pun) ?

Dylan: Um, that’s in very poor taste, Ashley, and I apologize on your behalf. Here’s what we know so far. Health officials are attempting to contact anyone who visited the third floor of the federal building today, home to the legal change of name office after an employee tested positive for COVID-19. I’m joined by two women who were on their way up to the third floor to change their names when it was evacuated. [Two women walk in] Tell us your names and what happened.

Edith Puthie: Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m sorry.

Edith Puthie: I said Edith Puthie.

Dylan: I’m flattered ma’am, but no thank you.

Edith Puthie: No. Edith Puthie is my name.

Irma Gerd: Irma Gerd.

Dylan: Oh my god, is right.

Irma Gerd: No, Irma Gerd is my name.

Dylan: Oh, I see. I got it now. Miss Puthie, just curious, what were you planning on changing your name to?

Edith Puthie: Hmm, well I was thinking of any name that’s not Edith Puthie.

Ashley: Dylan, I hate to pull you away from miss Puthie just as you’re getting into it, but I’m told that health department has a statement.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph speaking at a podium. A doctor is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: Good afternoon. I’m Dr. Kevin Joseph, Pittsburg’s contract tracing program. We are still trying to locate the following people who were in the name change office today. Burton Ernie, Alma Holzhert, Ben Lauden, Dee Perdadi.

Doctor: Oh, whatever you say, girl! Sorry, I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: We’re also looking for Duncan Dixon-Coffey, Finn Gerbangh, Moe Lestin Jr. Now, I’d like to address the rumor about Tess Tichol, a young woman who visited the name change office today that she lost her sense of taste and smell are false. In fact, the Tess Tichol I examiled smelled and tasted great.

Doctor: It did? Good for you, man. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. We will keep our eyes peeled in case Tess Tichol pops out. No word yet on when the office will reopen leaving many who wanted to change their name frustrated like this man, Mr. Mike Rodick.

Mike Rodick: Ah! It’s Rodick. You stress the ‘Ro’. Rodick. Sorry to be annoying, but it makes a huge difference.

Dylan: Not a problem. Not a problem. Mike Rodick was one of a dozen–

Mike Rodick: Yeah, sorry, yeah. But the longer you pause between Mike and Rodick, the better it is for me. Nothing crazy. Just like, “Mike”, a little pause, “Rodick.”

Dylan: Okay. Maybe it’s easier if I just call you by what your name will be?

Mike Rodick: Sure. I’m going with my mom’s maiden name, Litt. L-I-T-T.

Dylan: Okay. I’m here with Mike Litt.

Mike Rodick: Oh, no. That’s bad too. That’s not my name.

Ashley: Sorry, Dylan, the department of health has an update. Hopefully, you can find Mike Litt later and finish what you started there. But now, let’s go to Dr. Joseph.

[Cut to Kevin Joseph. Jeffery B. Epstein is standing behind him.]

Kevin Joseph: I’d like to thank this man who was turned away from the name change office but stuck around to help us contact trace. Mr. Jeffery Epstein.

Jeffery B. Epstein: Mr. Jeffery B. Epstein.

Kevin Joseph: In my book, Jeffery Epstein is a hero.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You forgot that ‘B’ again. The very important ‘B’.

Kevin Joseph: I’m proud to call Jeffery Epstein a friend.

Jeffery B. Epstein: You gonna wish you didn’t say that.

Kevin Joseph: Thank you.

[Cut back to Dylan]

Dylan: Alright. Well, I think we can all applaud what Jeffery Epstein did. Ashley?

Ashley: Dylan, we’ve got a little more time. Any chance of getting back to Mike Litt?

Dylan: You know, he was right under my nose, but I lost him.

Ashley: Well, you stay down there and keep poking around.

Dylan: I will, but no promises. It’s a real mess down here.

Ashley: Oh, I bet. More on this story as it develops. For Action 9 News, I’m Ashley Spitzer-Swallows.

Stunt Performers

Chase Wexler…Mikey Day

Chip Lazar…Chris Redd

Kelly Huntman…Ego Nwodim

Karan Raniere…Kate McKinnon

Guff Burthardt… Aidy Bryant

Male voice: And now, the Stunt Performers Gill presents and “Epic Virtual Fight.”

[Cut to Chase Wexler in his home]

Chase Wexler: I wish I could be back on set doing kick ass stunts with my friends. [ting] Wait a minute! We can do it from home! [does the karate] Ya! Ya!

[Chase Wexler head-butts on camera. Cut to Chip Lazar got hit by the head-butt.]

Chip Lazar: Argh! No way!

[Chip Lazar kicks on camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman’s bottle falls off her hand by Chip Lazar’s kick.]

Kelly Huntman: Oh, no. Not today!

[Kelly Huntman gets a wooden sword and hits on camera. Cut to Karan Raniere got hit by the sword.]

Karan Raniere: Oh! [Karan Raniere falls off the stairs] You rotten kids!

[Karan Raniere takes off her shoe and throws it at the camera. Cut to the shoe hitting on Guff Burthardt’s butt. Her pants get torn.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! My ass!

[Cut to the stunt performers]

Chase Wexler: Hi, we are stunt performers of America.

Chip Lazar: Just like you, we can’t wait to get back to work.

Kelly Huntman: We wanna be doing epic car chases.

Chase Wexler: Sick knife fights.

Chip Lazar: Karate and motorcycle jumps.

Karan Raniere: And our expertise is mostly falling down and getting hit in the crotch by kids.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. We stunt double for villains and children’s comedy. So, I typically play the fat authoritative woman who people like to see get hurt real bad.

Karan Raniere: I’m usually getting tossed. You ever see a body going – [gesturing as if body’s flying] “Ah!” through the air and kids are cheering, that’s probably me.

Chase Wexler: We love what we do.

Kelly Huntman: And there’s all different kinds of stunts.

Chip Lazar: Nothing makes me happier than jumping through fire.

Kelly Huntman: Or leaping off a helicoptor.

Karan Raniere: Or getting kicked into a dumbster by a cow for the purposes of children’s comedy.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. It’s been six months since I’ve been able to use my number one skill which is of course farting from being hit in the head.

Karan Raniere: And we’re from the old school. We’re not faking those farts.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. No. I mean it helps the kids understand that we’re not actually being hurt. We are just being hit so hard that farts are coming out.

Chip Lazar: You might not know us but we help make some of your favorite movies. I drove the Maserati in “Furious 7”.

Kelly Huntman: I was an Amazon warrior in “Wonder Woman”.

Guff Burthardt: And I played ugly shher  in “Cool Kid Library”. And also, evil lunch lady in Camp Bitch”.

Karan Raniere: And I was the star of “Nurse Wedgie”. In this one part, the– [laughing] the kids switched my hat for an octopus and then I stumbled face first into a toilet. Which was hard, coz then we had to go and shoot the scene.

[The stunt performs are working out]

Kelly Huntman: Gotta stay strong.

Chip Lazar: Gotta stay in shape.

[Karan Raniere and Guff Burthardt are slapping each other’s butts]

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. Don’t wanna lose our ass calluses.  One, two, three.

Karan Raniere: These stunts hurt. I’ve been bit in the vagina by a dog more times than I can count.

Guff Burthardt: Yeah. You know, and the dogs don’t understand that it’s pretend. So, if you want them to let go, you gotta cut their heads off.

Chase Wexler: So, everybody, please, wear your mask, stay home and hang in there, so we can do more of this.

[Chase Wexler picks up an orange and throws it at the camera. Cut to Kelly Huntman catching the orange Chase Wexler just threw. Kelly Huntman then punches at the camera. Cut to Chip Lazar getting punched. Chip Lazar then kicks at camera. Cut to Guff Burthardt’s ass getting kicked.]

Guff Burthardt: Oh! You teems! [farts] [Cut to the dogs.] [Cut to Karan Raniere pretending to be bit by a stuffed animal dog.]

Karan Raniere: Oh!

Guff Burthardt: You dirty kids. Not my library, teens!

Male voice: The Stunt Performers Association of America. For more info on our cool or shameful stunts, call today.

NBA Bubble

Patrice Soupsalad… Chris Rock

Candis… Ego Nwodim

Queenie… Chloe Fineman

Kittie…Lauren Holt

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Maya Rudolph

Punkie Johnson

Delivery guy… Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Adam Silver… Alex Moffat

Athlete… Chris Redd

Meghan Thee Stallion

[Starts with ESPN show intro]

Male voice: Live from Big Thunder Mountain Hotel in Orlando, it’s the NBA Bubble Draft finals. With your host, Patrice Soupsalad.

[Cut to Soupsalad in the show set]

Soupsalad: Welcome, welcome, welcome. That’s right. During this unique NBA season, our players have been completely isolated from their wives, their girlfriends and whoever else they might wanna see. None of we reached NBA finals. These lovely ladies have one last chance to join the NBA bubble. This is the a NBA Bubble draft.

[Cut to sponsored ads]

Male voice: Brought to you by, Summer’s Eve Lysol wipes, because you may have sadden someone, and you don’t want to get it that way!

[Cut back to Soupsalad]

Soupsalad: Now, these women may not get an NBA championship ring, but they can get the next best thing. Soupsalad8 years of child support.

[There are three women standing beside Soupsalad]

Let’s pick the top draft picks.

Candis: I’m Candis and I’ve got a really impressive resume. Lil’ Wayne, Lil’ Dicky, Wesley Snipes and two years of nursing school. Shublop!

Queenie: I’m Queenie, a former hockey ho who styled in in two sports. I used the follow the Canucks but now I follow the Kanicks. Leave me in a bubble.

Kittie: [holding a syringe] I’m Kittie. I’m an essential worker here to shoot my shot.

Soupsalad: So, you’re a COVID nurse?

Kittie: [nodding her head] Sure!

Soupsalad: Seeing a lot of promise here today. It’s gonna be difficult to choose the smartest, the prettiest, and the most down for whatever, if you know what I mean. So, who’s next?

[There’s another woman dressed in leopard print dress and she is holding a bag.]

Aidy: A-hah! Honey, how’d I get this bag, how’d I get this ring? Well, let’s just say it’s velvet down there. [pointing at the audience] Hey, hey, is that girl laughing at me?

[Cut to the audience. They are just real-life-size cardboard cutouts.]

Soupsalad: Sweetheart, that’s a cutout of a face.

Aidy: Well, she got a stank face and she’s flat as hell!

[Aidy walks out and Kate walks in.]

Kate: Hey, hey. Is this where the Seattle Storm and the Las Vegas Aces are staying?

Soupsalad: I think you’re looking for the WNBA.

Kate: Ha-ha-ha. Right, you are, sir. Yes!

Soupsalad: Love is love. Love is basketball. Who’s next?

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Maya: My husband and I have been together singe high school. We have five kids and I am his rock. But he already told me wives aren’t allowed in the bubble, so I am just here to send my man some love.

Soupsalad: Well, you are allowed in the bubble. You just have to quarantine.

Maya: Oh, interesting. That is not the information that have been previously relayed to me. But now that I’m privy to this, my husband is a dead man.

Soupsalad: Things are heating up.

[There’s another woman beside Soupsalad]

Punkie: How y’all doing? I’m TJ and I’ve been here for 60 days, because I just have to keep restarting quarantine because I can’t stop ordering buffalo wild wings.

Soupsalad: The bubble is tight. No ordering outside food.

Punkie: It’s alright because I made it to day 13, so I am good.

[A delivery guy walks in]

Delivery guy: Um, I have a buffalo wild wings delivery here.

Punkie: I said contactless delivery, man!

[Punkie walks out and Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Hi. I was actually quarantined in Disney World anyway. I just work in the hall of president’s. I played Monica Lewinsky, but then I got older. [whispering] Pills. And now I get to be Goofy. Marry me, basketball. Oh, I should put on my mask.

[Heidi wears Goofy dog’s mascot head.] [There’s a sound playing]

Soupsalad: You know what that sound means. The draft pick has been made. Please welcome NBA commissioner, Adam Silver.

[Adam Silver walks in with a young basketball player walking behind him.]

Adam Silver: Hey! Alright. Good work, Soupsalad. Wow. You know, being here today just proves that even in a pandemic, you can’t keep a good ho down. With that being said, our point guard’s beautiful wife Michelle is here. So, obviously we’re gonna–

Athlete: [interrupting] Uh-uh. There’s a change of plans. I choose her. [pointing at Meghan]

Meghan: Ah! Oh my god! I promise you won’t regret this, okay? It’s been a long journey to get here. All the DM slotting, all the thirst trapping. You got my Amazon wishlist, right?

Athlete: Uh-huh.

Meghan: Love you.

Soupsalad: First wives, second wives, mistresses and side pieces, this has been the NBA Draft Bubble.

Future Ghost

Zac… Kyle Mooney, Beck Bennett

Mom… Heidy Gardner

Ghost… Chris Rock

Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a young boy playing video game in the year Mom000]

Zac: Tony Hawk, you’ve done it again. A “Pro Skater Mom” far surpasses the original.

Mom: Zac, dinner’s almost ready. That’s your Zac0 minute warning.

Zac: I heard you in the first time, Rachel.

Mom: Please call me mom.

Zac: Hey, whatever. No wonder dad left to become a priest. Now if I could just grind this lunch table like P-I-M-P.

[The lights dim. Smoke appears behind Zac. Ghost walks out of the smoke. He has white hair, and all his clothes are white. He has a sword in his hand.]

Ghost: Hello, Zac.

Zac: Hey, what’s up? Wow, are you a ghost?

Ghost: Yeah, I’m like a ghost. Specifically a ghost from the future. And I have something important to show you.

Zac: Okay, just one sec. I’ll be right with you.

Ghost: Seriously. Can you pause it?

Zac: Go ahead, dude! I’m listening. I almost landed that combo.

Ghost: I was gonna show you what your future was like, but if you wanna just play your little skateboard game, that’s fine.

Zac: Wait, see my future? Yeah, I’ll pause my game for that freaking crap. Ay, hopefully I’ll live at the Playboy mansion.

Ghost: You don’t.

Zac: Okay. Well, then hopefully I’ll married to Eliza Dushku and the mom from Spy Kids.

Ghost: Well, you might want to lower those expectations. Here, take a look.

[Screen blurs. It’s a same room, but there’s another older guy playing video game now.]

Zac: Hey, is that me?

Ghost: This is you in 2020, okay? A global pandemic sends your life into a tale spin. You lose your job and you have to move back in with your mom. And this is all you ever do.

Zac: Oh, my god!

Ghost: Yeah, I know, right?

Zac: I can’t believe it. Those graphics are freaking insane! Holy freak! They look like real. Freak!

Ghost: Wait, wait, na, na, na. Forget about the graphics.

Zac: Oh, yeah, yeah. I’ll just forget about the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Seriously, are you blind? Did you look at in the clips while playing with yourself? It looks like real. And what the freak kind of console is that? A Playstation Mom?

Ghost: PSMom? No. That’s an old PS4.

Zac: 4? Oh, god! I think I just nutted for the first time in my life.

Ghost: You didn’t.

Zac: Oh, okay. And is that a wireless controller? Oh, hey, can I have Mom0Mom0 now, please? Haha.

Ghost: Can you please just stop fixating on the game and take this seriously?

Zac: Yeah, yeah. I’ll take it seriously. Right after I do this.

[dancing and singing] Those graphics,
I just saw the most awesome graphics,
and suddenly this game will never be the same

Ghost: Would you shut up, you goofy ass?

[Ghost slaps Zac very hard]

Zac: Hey, man!

Ghost: You don’t understand. In Mom0 years, the world as you know it is going to change forever. Look!

[Mom walks down with a mask on]

Zac: Hey. That’s my mom. Oh wow, and she’s a dentist now. It’s bad.

Mom: Zac, everything okay?

Zac from future: Nah! This wifi sucks ass. Why don’t you start Onlyfans so we can afford a second router?

[Kenan walks in]

Kenan: Hey, hey! That is no way to talk to your mother. This is my wife, dammit!

Zac: Hold up. My mom married Kenan Thompson? What?

[My Mom Married Kenan Thompson intro playing]

Male voice: My Mom Married Kenan Thompson, coming to Peacock this fall.

First Debate Cold Open

Chris Wallace… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: The following is a re-broadcast of Tuesday’s presidential debate. Even though Tuesday feels like Chris Wallace00 days ago, we though it was important to see it again since it might be the only presidential debate. And it was pretty fun to watch as long as you don’t live in America.

[Cut to Presidential Debate video bumper, Cleveland, OH.] [Cut to Chris Wallace]

Chris Wallace: Good evening. I am your moderator Chris Wallace, and I think I’m going to do a really, really good job tonight. First, I want to lay out the rules which both parties agreed to in advance. Each candidate will have two minutes uninterrupted–

Donald Trump: Boring!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I haven’t even introduced the candidates yet.

Donald Trump: Tell that to my Adderall, Chris. Now, let’s get this show on the road and off the rails.

Chris Wallace: And you did take the COVID test, you promised to take in advance, correct?

[Donald Trump has his fingers crossed.]

Donald Trump: Absolutely. [looks at his fingers crossed] Scout’s honor.

Chris Wallace: President Trump has already introduced himself. So, let’s now welcome the democratic candidate–

Donald Trump: Boo. Here comes the booing.

Chris Wallace: Former vice-president of the United States–

Donald Trump: Allegedly.

Chris Wallace: And senator from Delaware–

Donald Trump: Not even a real state.

Chris Wallace: Joe Biden.

[Joe Biden walks in. He is wearing aviators sunglasses.]

Mr. Vice President.

[cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Just one second, Chris.

[Joe Biden pulls out a measuring tape. He measures the distance from Donald Trump’s podium to his podium. He then moves his podium a bit further away from Donald Trump.]

Okay.

Chris Wallace: It looks like you’re ready to debate, Joe.

Joe Biden: Absolutely not. [takes his sunglasses of] But I’ve got the beginning of Kamala Harris6 fantastic ideas I may or may not have access to. Now, let’s do this. I’m holding my bladder. Let’s get at her.

Chris Wallace: Tonight, we’ll be discussing six major topics none of which anyone will remember by tomorrow. We begin with the supreme court. President Trump, two minutes.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna do Chris Wallace0. I’d like to begin with a list of complaints. People are mean to me. Joe here is very mean. Chris Wallace is mean. The economy is mean. It keeps losing jobs which is mean to me. The China virus has been very mean to me and being a hoax. And that statement is something that I will– It will probably come back to haunt me later this week.

Chris Wallace: And what about the question I asked you about the supreme court?

Donald Trump: I think I already answered that question, Chris. We’re very excited about our nominee, Amy Christina Barcelona. And it was so nice to welcome her in the other day with open arms and uncovered faces.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, same question. You have two minutes.

Joe Biden: Thank you, Chris. Now, look. Here’s the deal.

Donald Trump: No, it’s not.

Joe Biden: Excuse me. Please, could you just–

Donald Trump: No. Whatever you’re going to say, no.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, please let him speak. He let you speak. Now, let him speak.

Donald Trump: But he is lying. I can’t point out if he says a lie?

Joe Biden: I said two words, you son of a– No, don’t do it, Joe. It’s exactly what he wants. Don’t let your inner whitie vulture come out. Just splash them all the smile they taught you in anger management. [smiles]

Chris Wallace: Now, Mr. Vice President, and only Mr. Vice President, would you consider adding additional justices to the supreme court?

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] He won’t even answer.

Chris Wallace: I just asked the question!

Donald Trump: And he won’t even answer it.

Joe Biden: Um–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Just like he won’t answer about his son Hunter and Burisma, and the mayor of Moscow, and Obama was spying on me, and he emailed Benghazi.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, you’re just listing terms you heard on FOX News. It sounds like you’re saying the names of characters from season Kamala Harris of a show that no one has watched.

Donald Trump: Sheriff of Portland.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, here’s the deal–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] Can I respond to that, Chris?

Joe Biden: Would you just shut up, man? No, Joe, no. Don’t lose control. It’s what he’s hoping for. Okay. Where was I?

Chris Wallace: You said, “Look, here’s the deal.”

[Joe Biden blows a paper bag and bursts it.]

Joe Biden: Okay. Look, here’s the deal. [Joe Biden waits to see if Donald Trump interrupts him again. Donald Trump doesn’t.] No, lost it. Come back to me. I’ll find it. It’s up here somewhere.

Donald Trump: Chris, can I say one thing? Am I allowed to say one thing?

Chris Wallace: Yes, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What we need in this country is law and order. When someone breaks the rules, they need to face the consequences. No exceptions.

Chris Wallace: Okay, what about your taxes?

Donald Trump: There have to be exceptions, Chris. The terms law and order, they are very vague terms. And rules are meant to be broken. It’s the same with masks. I’ve got mine right here in my pocket. [Donald Trump pulls out a pink panties] Okay, it’s right here. But you don’t need a mask all the time. It’s like a seatbelt. You wear when you’re backing out of the driveway, then you can take it off. But Joe wears the biggest mask you’ve ever seen. He’s always standing Donald Trump00 feet away from people.

Joe Biden: Look, man. I’m a nice guy. But if you give me any more guff tonight, I’ll rip your face off like a mad chimp. I’ll knock that thing up your head and burn it, bury it in the pit cemetery where it came from. Stop it, Joe. Stop it. God, you can’t lose your cool just coz this joker’s raising little monkey dust. The country is counting on you. You just stand here and look lucent. I know it. I know what will calm me down. My new Harry Styles meditation tape.

[Joe Biden puts in an air pod in his right ear. Harry styles appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Harry Styles: We dip our toes in the cold wet sand.

Joe Biden: Nice.

Harry Styles: And sit and face the sea.

Joe Biden: Cleansing.

Harry Styles: We’ll let the waves wash over us. Alone, just you and me.

Joe Biden: Okay.

Donald Trump: I think maybe I should listen to my meditation tape as well.

[Donald Trump puts in an air pod in his right ear. Melania Trump giving speech appear in an imaginary cloud.]

Melania Trump: [yelling] Ladies and gentlemen, leaders and voters, for freedom and liberty and the American dream, the best is yet to come. [screaming]

Chris Wallace: Alright, alright, can we please have a civilized dialog? Debates are a hime honored tradition and the bedrock of the American democracy.

Donald Trump: Gay!

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, if you keep interrupting this debate, I’ll do absolutely nothing about it?

Donald Trump: Okay, okay, I’ll be quiet.

Joe Biden: I don’t want to be dictated to, and I’m not gonna be distracted anymore by this clown tonight, okay? I’m definitely gonna concentrate. I’m gonna try to keep my cool. [a red-dot laser is targeting at Joe Biden.]

What is that? Where is that coming from?

[Donald Trump is holding a small laser pointer. It is him pointing the laser at Joe Biden. Joe Biden is scared for his life.]

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s not. It’s not a laser pointer. It’s a wand that cures the COVID.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Boys, boys, boys, boys. [cheers and applause] Both of you, this stops right now. Alright? You look at me, Donald, you do not treat my Joe like that, alright? He’s a nice boy.

Joe Biden: Kamala, I got this.

Kamala Harris: Uh-uh, Joe. Let Mamala go to work. Now, Donald, I want you to apologize to Joe.

Donald Trump: He started it.

Kamala Harris: Hey! Hey! I don’t care who started it. Alright? I don’t even care who sharted it. Now, you apologize to Joe, now.

Donald Trump: Sorry.

Kamala Harris: I’m sorry. What’s that?

Donald Trump: I said sorry.

Kamala Harris: You know, look, I think if there’s one thing we learn tonight, it’s that America needs a WAP. Women as president. [cheers and applause] But for now, I’ll settle for HVPIC. Hot Vice President In Charge. So, why don’t the two of you finish this debate or whatever the hell this is with some dignity? And when you’re done, I’ve got you boys some PB and Jane apple slices waiting for you back stage.

Joe Biden: Yummy!

Chris Wallace: Thank you, Senator Harris.

Kamala Harris: Oh, I am not done with you, Chris. You will see me in my office after debate.

Donald Trump and Joe Biden: Ooh!

Chris Wallace: And finally, just to ensure this is the worst presidential debate in history, I’d like to close with white supremacy.

Donald Trump: Oh, baby, come to papa.

Chris Wallace: Mr. President, I’ll ask you directly. Do you condemn white supremacists?

Donald Trump: Condemn them? I don’t know any. I mean, who are you even talking about? The proud boys? The white boot? The eugenics eagles? I didn’t even know any of these groups. I certainly wouldn’t even know how to signal them if I tried.

Joe Biden: America, are you listening to this? The president of the United States is literally blowing a dog whistle.

[Donald Trump is blowing a whistle]

Donald Trump: I don’t think this thing is working. I don’t hear anything.

Chris Wallace: Mr. Vice President, your closing statement.

Joe Biden: Well–

Donald Trump: [interrupting] That is so unfair. Why don’t I get to make a closing statement first? After all, I am the pres– [Donald Trump stops moving (pauses). Joe Biden is holding a remote and smiling.]

Joe Biden: Sorry, but I think we all needed a break. Isn’t that satisfying? [takes a deep breath] Just not to hear his voice for a single god damn second. Let’s wallow in it. Let’s bask in the Trumplessness. Now, Chris, could I speak directly to the American people?

Chris Wallace: Is it gonna be weird?

Joe Biden: Totally. Totally weird. [music playing in the background] America, look at me. Look directly into my eyeballs. You can trust me, because I believe in science and karma. Now, just imagine if science and karma could somehow team up to send us all a message about how dangerous this virus can be. [looks at Donald Trump] I’m not saying I want it to happen. But just imagine if it did. So, this November, please get on the Biden train which is literally a commuter train to Delaware. And we can all make America not actively on fire again. Okay, now I’m unpausing.

[Joe Biden presses the play button]

Donald Trump: Antifa!

Joe Biden: No! [presses the pause button again. Donald Trump stops moving again.] Can’t do it. Gonna leave him on pause. And one more thing.

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!