Weekend Update- Ivana Trump

Colin Jost

Ivana Trump… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This past week, Ivana Trump, president Trump’s first wife stirred some controversy when she called herself the first lady while promoting her new book ‘Raising Trump’. Here to elaborate is Ivana Trump.

[Ivana Trump slides in]

Ivana Trump: Colin, why you always so harsh on Donald? Why you can’t give him a break? He’s not so bad. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: I’m surprised that you seem so supportive of him.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: yes. Of course I am. We re like family. I am the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah. But actually, Melania, right, is the first lady.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yeah. Well, of course. but I am a first lady of Donald Trump, right? What do you call the one that is first? First lady. Am I lie?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. So, your’e saying that because you were his first wife?

Ivana Trump: Oh! You see now. You get it. Look, this hardware is smart.

Colin Jost: So, tell us a little bit about the book you wrote.

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: Yes. Well, everywhere I go, the yacht club, the country club, private airplane, Ferrari expos, you know, everybody want to know, what is behind this red power suit? The chronic French twist hair? How I become a first lady? You know, how I met with Donald Trump. You know, I raised him too, since he was this tall. Ha-ha-ha-ha. He’s always very tall, right?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s good. That’s good.

Ivana Trump: You like this?

Colin Jost: I really like that. Yes. So, could you give us a taste of what’s inside the book?

Ivana Trump: Oh! Growing boy want a taste. Okay. I give you a little nibble. [Cut to Colin Jost. She wears her glasses and goes through her book] Let’s see. Come on. I give you chapter 14. How Donald was never around, I had to do everything. No, it’s not bad. He’s businessman. So, he’s doing business away from the family. I raised him myself.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait. That’s all the title of the chapter?

Ivana Trump: Yes. Just look. [Showing the title. The title is literally very long.] Yes. [Cut to Ivana Trump] The rest of the chapter is astounding photographs of my apartment in Miami, and my cute dog, Chuchu-nyonyo. It’s a really cute dog.

Colin Jost: Very cute. [Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost] Aren’t you afraid you might be pushing some buttons with this book?

[Cut to Ivana Trump]

Ivana Trump: No. Look at my nails. I can’t push buttons with these nails. You see my joke? Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: That’s very good. I really enjoyed that. That was great.

Ivana Trump: Look, look, look. Donald and I have a very good relationship. We are a family after all. Look, I call every 14 days but I don’t like to call too much because if Melania pick up, I say, “No, don’t pay attention to me, Melania, it’s just old school friend from old school day.” You know, I don’t want jealousy. [Cut to Ivana Trump] I love the third lady. I don’t want her to be jealous of the first lady. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. You keep calling yourself first lay.

Ivana Trump: Yes. But I am the first lady. Melania is third lady. Look, I support girls walking into disaster zones in her heels. [Cut to Ivana Trump] And by disaster zone, I mean walk-in closet. It’s so small. Ha-ha-ha-ha. I am on role, huh?

[Cut to Ivana Trump and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Yeah. Very great role. Yeah. Well, she is very upset with you. She tweeted you are only doing this to try to get attention.

Ivana Trump: No. Who is the author of this tweet? Melania or Michelle Obama? Ha-ha. You know what I’m talking about? From before?

Colin Jost: Yes. From a long time ago.

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish because she’s eating something]

Colin Jost: What are you saying?

[Ivana Trump speaking gibberish]

Colin Jost: I’m okay. I can’t have hazel nuts.

Ivana Trump: Oh, you poor thing. [Cut to Ivana Trump] You know what? There is no bad blood. Melania can go back to manage the White House. And I will go back to young race car drivers in Miami because I prefer baby sitter over nurse. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Colin Jost: Thank you. Ivana Trump, everyone.

Ivana Trump: I am the first lady.

Colin Jost: First lady. Thank you guys. On a serious note tonight, I just wanted to say if you would like to help the people of Puerto Rico, please make a donation to Somos One Voice.

Michael Che: That’s right. Go to www.somosonevoice.com. Thank you very much. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update on Harvey Weinstein

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Thank you. Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of emojis at left top corner.]

Apple has announced that it will add 100s of new emojis to it’s iOS system including a person at a spa, a vomiting face and a sushing finger. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein. [Picture changes to Harvey Weinstein] Weinstein who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow, I don’t think that’s gonna help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars and it’s a prison.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Hervey Weinstein at right top corner.]

Michael Che: You know, it’s a tough spot for a comedian because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. I mean he looks like chewed bubblegum rolled in cat hair. Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, “We all make mistakes.” Nah, man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you– you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law and Order. Your name’s a verb now, dude, as in, “If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m going to cut off his little Harvey.” Ugh! Doesn’t he look like a well dressed skin tag?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and a Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Health Care Act, president tweeted, “The Democrats Obamacare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!” You can’t say it’s imploding when you are actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, “Tokyo is totally imploding right now. I alone can solve!”

Experts are now worried that Trump actions could destabilize Obamacare markets which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to all of them. But this is what Trump does. He just messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with a rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt. He just keeps moving. And then we hear, “Clean up on aisle, Puerto Rico.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at right top corner.]

Michael Che: During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on healthcare, president Trump walked away without even signing it. But then, good old Mike Pence was there to remind that she forgot to assign homework. Yay!

Sever aids to president Trump are reportedly saying that he is unraveling and losing a step. Okay, but what point exactly was he ever in step? Coz from here, it’s been like nine months of watching the cat try to walk in Timberlands. During the speech at the value voter summit yesterday, president tons of fun said this.

[Cut to Donald Trump’s speech]

Donald Trump: You know, we’re getting near that beautiful Christmas season that people don’t talk about anymore. They don’t use the word ‘Christmas’ because it’s not politically correct. Well, guess what? We’re saying Merry Christmas again.

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Dude, people say ‘Merry Christmas’ all the time. My deli guy is Muslim, and he says Merry Christmas every time he makes a ham sandwich. You know what, I don’t want to say Merry Christmas anymore because I don’t like that Trump supporters always want us to be specific when it’s about stuff that’s important to them. It can’t be ‘Happy holidays.’ It has to be ‘Merry Christmas.’ It can’t be ‘Save the planet.’ It’s gotta be ‘America first.’ But then when somebody wants to stand up for black people or gays or women, they are like, “Hey, wait a minute. What about everybody else?” So, you know what? Don’t think of it as me saying ‘Happy holidays’ anymore. Think of it as me saying ‘All holidays matter.’

[Cheers and applause] [Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Donald Trump and NBC News logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In a press conference, president Trump continued to question the legitimacy of Network News saying, “It’s frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.” Although, I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported “Hillary Clinton is next president.”

[Picture changes to Niger flag]

Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to president Trump’s autocorrect.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Mike Ditka at right top corner.]

Michael Che: I liked it. [Colin Jost laughing] Former Chicago Bears coach Mike Ditka who was critical of NFL player protest said in an interview that there has been no oppression in the last 100 years that he knows of. Oh, really, Mike? So you think your black players actually wanted to do this?

[Cut to a video of athletes singing in the show ‘The Super Bowl Shuffle’.] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Jamele Hill at right top corner.]

ESPN has suspended host Jamele Hill after she posted on twitter her opposition to Jerry Jones threatening to bench players who kneeled during the anthem. Worse, she will be replaced by– oh, no. Mike Ditka.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a logo of Oreo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: [asking Michael Che] What’s that?

Michael Che: Go.

Colin Jost: Okay. Me. Go? Oreo has announced a new contest in which people can win $50,000 for guessing the correct flavor of their mystery cream. Spoiler alert, the flavor is Gary. [Picture changes to a random white person] [Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kim Jong-Uh at right top corner.]

Michael Che: It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong-Un. Though, all the plan says is, “Wait for diabetes.”

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.] [the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume] [everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently] [Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Nursing Home

Mrs. Conor… Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Grammy… Kate McKinnon

Doctor… Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with Mrs. Conor and Mikey visiting Grammy in elderly nursing home]

Mrs. Conor: Hey, Grammy.

Mikey: Like you shoes, grammy. Pretty sharp.

[Doctor walks in]

Doctor: I’m really glad you both came by to visit Maureen. I know this is a long driver for you two.

Mikey: Of course, doctor. We’ve got to make sure Grammy knows we still care about her.

Mrs. Conor: So, how has she been? Is she adjusting okay?

Doctor: She’s getting along just fine, Mrs. Conor.

Mrs. Conor: Are you making any friends yet, Grammy?

Doctor: She’s making plenty of friends.

Mikey: She seems a little out of it today. Is she okay?

Doctor: Oh, she’s fine. She’s a little grumpy because she just got her penicillin shot. She doesn’t exactly love needles.

Mrs. Conor: Penicillin? What’s wrong?

Doctor: Just a little gonorrhea. Well, I’ll leave you three alone to sort of–

Mrs. Conor: What?

Mikey: Gonorrhea?

Doctor: There’s no need to panic. It’s very treatable. It should be  cleared up in a week or so.

Mikey: How did this happen?

Doctor: We think sex.

Mrs. Conor: She’s 91 years old. [Grammy is smiling]

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, your grandmother may be 91 but she still has a very active sex life.

Mikey: So you let them have sex here?

Doctor: She’s an adult woman of sound mind. She can do whatever she wants. Casual sex between residents is actually very common in nursing homes. It’s really not that big a deal.

Mikey: Well, can’t you at least give them protection so that they are safe?

Doctor: of course, but we can’t make them use it. We can barely get them to put in their teeth. You know how stubborn your grandma can be.

Mikey: So, which one of these old dudes gave my grandma gonorrhea?

Doctor: This time, we don’t know.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. What do you mean this time? She got it more than once?

Doctor: Eight.

Mikey: She got gonorrhea eight times?

Doctor: We’re not exactly sure who is giving it to whom at this point. There’s sort of a round Robin situation between her and six or so other residents.

Mrs. Conor: They’re taking advantage of her.

Doctor: Believe me. Nobody is taking advantage of her, Mrs. Conor. She’s running a train. They’re running a train but she’s the conductor.

[Grammy is giving a bad-ass smile]

Mrs. Conor: They’re all in there at the same time?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes. It would.

Doctor: I see.

Mrs. Conor: [to Grammy] Grammy, how could you?

Doctor: Mrs. Conor, relax. It’s actually really sweet. After every encounter, the gentlemen even leave her a single rose.

[There are a pile of roses on her table]

Mikey: Oh my god! All of that is for sex? Doctor, what can we do to stop this?

Doctor: She’s not doing anything wrong. And frankly, it is great for morale. Since Maureen has joined the home, riots have been way down. From the residents to the staff, everyone is happier with Maureen around.

Mrs. Conor: She’s not sleeping with staff too?

Doctor: Would it make you feel any better if I said no?

Mrs. Conor: Yes!

Doctor: I see.

Mikey: that’s it. We are taking her out of this nursing home.

Doctor: Well, you can’t do that.

Mrs. Conor: Why can’t we?

Doctor: Because she’s asleep.

[Grammy is acting like she’s asleep]

Mikey: Okay, well then, when she wakes up.

Doctor: Alright, fine. But it’s still gonna happen. Just somewhere else. Your grandma likes to bang. Just let her. Look, getting old is tough. It can get lonely here. A lot of residents here want to give up on life.

Mrs. Conor: Oh.

Mikey: Wow.

Doctor: But then we send your grandmother to their room, and she convinces them that there is still a reason to go on living like only she can. By letting her go nuts on them.

Mikey: That’s disgusting.

Mrs. Conor: Wait. Maybe he’s right.

Mikey: You know, I guess if it really means that much to the home and grammy is happy, then fine by me.

Mrs. Conor: Me too.

Grammy: Me too. Ha-ha!

All: Grammy?

Kumail Nanjiani Stand Up Monologue

Kumail Nanjiani

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kumail Nanjiani.

[Kumail Nanjiani walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kumail Nanjiani: Wow. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Haha. I’m hosting ‘Saturday Night Live’ right now. That is what is happening. I’m so excited. I can’t believe I’m here. I remember, since I was a little kid in Pakistan, I remember on Saturday nights, my whole family would get together and watch ‘Star Trek’. We didn’t get ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is awesome. Um, I had a movie earlier this summer called ‘The Bic Sick’. [Cheers and applause] Thank you. Um, people who don’t know, ‘The Big Sick’ is the true story of the first year of the relationship between my eventual wife and I, and my wife Emily is a white American person. And my parents wanted me to marry a Muslim Pakistani person. Things didn’t quite go their way– I’m getting ahead of myself. I was the second person from my family to leave Pakistan and come to the west. I had an uncle decades before me who was going to Scotland and the Nanjianis were very excited. And they were like, “Hey, remember the deal. Be good.” And he was like, “Yeah. Got it.” And then he got to Scotland, fell in love with a white woman, married her and the Nanjianis were like, “Never again. Let’s regroup. Let’s tighten this up.” And then for decades, nobody left. The next person who left was me 40 years later. I came to America, fell in love with a white woman, married her, and then made a movie about it. Just to rub it in their face. Nanjiani-0, white women-2. When I called my mom to tell her, she wasn’t even upset. She was like, “You know what? This time, shame on us.”

The movie was well received, mostly. I read everything online which don’t do that. I read a guy said, “I watched the whole movie. I just don’t like race mixing thing.” Yeah. First of all, nobody good ever uses the phrase “race mixing”. Even if someone was like, “I’m pro-race-mixing,” I’d be like, “Why are you talking like that? Are you an undercover KKK dragon?” The other thing, why did you watch the whole movie? Were you hoping for a twist at the end? did you think at the end I’d rip off my mask like, “Ha-ha, it’s me, Chris Pine. I am a white person.” The only thing worth mixing is frisbee and golf. Let’s go eat some ranch dressing.

My twitter mentions were a little bit of a nightmare after the movie. A lot of people were like, “Go back to India!” Which I have never been to India. Or were you just hoping I have an awesome vacation soon? Here’s my fantasy. This is my fantasy. My fantasy is when someone’s racist to me, I want to danger to befall them immediately. And then I want to rescue them just to see the confused look on their face. Like, I want them to be like, “Go back to India. Ha-ha. Wolves!” And then I fight off the wolves and they’re like, “We were racist to you and you still saved us.” and I go, “That is the way of my people.”

Islamophobia is really on the rise right now. It never went away but it’s really having a moment right now. Islamophobia is kind of like ‘Will and grace’. You know. It was a huge a while ago, then it was gone and we thought it was done but now it’s back and bigger than ever. Thursdays on NBC. They make me say that.

I saw a guy be like, “Of course all muslims are sexist. The Quran says women can’t drive.” Yeah, pretty sure the Quran never said that. Because if the Quran had said women can’t drive cars 1400 years ago, I would be at the mosque right now and so would all of you. Because that would mean the Quran predicted cars. If 1400 years ago, the Quran was like, “Some day there will be metallic box that will carry you wherever you want. And it will have four wheels. And you will have to put gasoline in it. And it will have a little speedometer to tell you how fast you are going. And it will have a bluetooth connection. And women shouldn’t drive it.” I would be like, “I know two things for sure. Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” [applause]

I am so glad you laughed at that coz otherwise it sounds like I’m just giving a divisive speech. “Islam is the only true religion and women shouldn’t drive.” That will definitely be the quote on the internet tomorrow.

Sikh people get attacked all the time for being Muslim. Spoiler alert, they’re not. But they’re brown and they wear turbans so people attack them for being Muslim. Which must put them in such an awkward position because they’re like, “I”m not Muslim. Not that you should attack Muslims. But if you’re looking to attack Muslims, which you shouldn’t, I’m not one. There is a Muslim right over there. Don’t attack him. Unless somebody’s definitely getting attacked, in which case, get it right, which is wrong.”

Which brings me to my problem with most racism. Here is my problem with most racism. It’s the inaccuracy. That’s what bugs me. I’m like, “Do the research! Put in work! You will see the benefits.” I’ll give you an example. If someone yells at me, “Go back to India,” I’d be like, “That guy’s an idiot.” But if someone was like, “Go back to Pakistan which was part of India until 1947 and is now home to the world’s world’s oldest salt mine,” I would be like, “that guys seems to know what he’s talking about. I’ll pack my bags.” Just because you’re racist doesn’t mean you have to be ignorant. And informed racist is a better racist.

We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Pink is here. Stick around and we’ll be right back.

Kellywise

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Police… Kenan Thompson

Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]

Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?

Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.

Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?

[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]

Dammit!

[The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.

Anderson Cooper: Who are you?

Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.

Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?

Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.

Anderson Cooper: I have to go.

Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?

Anderson Cooper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.

Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.

Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?

Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.

Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.

[Cut to the police]

Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]

Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Rachel?

Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.

Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.

Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.

Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]

Anderson Cooper: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]

Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No!

[Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]

Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.

Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?

Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.

Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.

[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]

Police: Oh, damn!

[Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?

Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?

Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?

Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?

Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?

[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]

Hotel Check In

Beck Bennett

Mikey Day

Kumail Nanjiani

Chris Redd

Leslie Jones

[Starts with Beck showing Mr. Adams around]

Beck: Here we are, Mr. Adams. We figured you would like to spend your first night seaside at something a little more nicer than a Motel 6.

Mr. Adams: Yeah. This is– wow. I can’t thank you enough, sir. Not just for this, but for everything you guys did to get me out of North Korea.

Beck: Just doing our job. And the next time you wanna make a documentary, try Paris. I hear they’re a little more welcoming to Americans with cameras. But not much. Now, get some rest and enjoy the hotel. The US government is picking up the tab. Welcome home.

Mr. Adams: Thank you so much, sir.

[Mr. Adams walks to the reception]

Kumail: Hello, welcome to Chatsworth Marriott experience. May I have the last name on the reservation, please?

Mr. Adams: Yeah. Adams.

[Kumail looks into computer]

Kumail: Can you spell that for me?

Mr. Adams: Um, sure. A–

Kumail: Found it. I see your room and incidentals have been taken care of. And since this is your first time staying with us, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh. You know what, man, I’m good. I just want to get into my room and relax.

Kumail: Wonderful. And where are you traveling in from?

Mr. Adams: Um, North Korea.

Kumail: Fantastic. Just give me a moment while I pull up your room.

[Chris and Leslie walk in]

Chris: Hey man, sorry to interrupt. Could you get us some towels sent to room? It’s room 904.

Leslie: Can you also send up a boyfriend who doesn’t flirt with other girls to room 904?

Chris: Ha-ha-ha. Perfect. Another night of screaming. All the time.

[Chris and Leslie leave]

Kumail: Okay. So we have you in room 905. And while I print your key, I would love to tell you about some of our amenities such as the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Again, man, I’m not interested, man.

Kumail: Of course. More time to enjoy our spa, indulge, which was featured in Latitudes. That’s Southwest Airlines inflight magazine.

Mr. Adams: No. Thank you.

Kumail: Are you sure? Your reservation comes with a complimentary spa service. I could book you a hot stone massage for tomorrow.

Mr. Adams: Well, that actually sounds nice.

Kumail: Fantastic. And I see we have an appointment. You’re in luck. And done. Hot stone massage tomorrow with Carly at 5:15 AM.

Mr. Adams: Oh, that’s too early. Cancel that please.

Kumail: My apologies, but cancellations must be made 24 hours in advance. Is there anything else I can help you with, sir?

Mr. Adams: Yeah, man. I want to check into my room.

Kumail: Ha-ha. Of course. And while I finish your reservation, canI offer you a complimentary glass of champagne?

Mr. Adams: Yes, please.

Kumail: Excellent, that will be available in the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: You keep pushing the Stargazer lounge. I’m not going there, man.

Kumail: Of course. However, you didn’t hear this from me, but the Stargazer’s headline act this evening is the Danny band. They were featured in Latitude magasine.

Mr. Adams: Okay. I don’t know what the Danny band is. I don’t read Latitude’s magazine. I just want you to show me to my room, man.

Kumail: Of course. [Kumail hands over a paper] Here’s a map of the property. We are here on that x that I have just drawn for you. This is Indulge, our spa which was featured in Latitudes magazine.

Mr. Adams: I don’t care. I don’t care.

Kumail: Okay. The escalator here will bring you to the Mezzanine where you will find the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: No, my room. My room.

Kumail: Of course. The lobby elevator which is right here will take you to your room as well as the bar entrance to the Stargazer lounge.

Mr. Adams: Oh, my god! [Mr. Adams punches Kumail] I’m so sorry.

Kumail: Perfectly alright, sir. Happens all the time. [Kumail hands in Mr. Adams his key] Here’s your key. Your room 905.

Mr. Adams: Excellent. Thank you.

Kumail: Is there anything else I can help you with while you wait for your room to be cleaned? Check in starts in four hours.

Mr. Adams: What? What am I supposed to do for four hours?

Kumail: Might I suggest, you visit the Stargazer–

Mr. Adams: Right! The Stargazer lounge and listen to Danny band. Can’t wait. [Mr. Adams enters the elevator. There’s the Danny Band poster and the singer is Kumail.]

Film Panel

Karen Domineau… Aidy Bryant

Viola Davis… Leslie Jones

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Debette Goldry… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with New York Film Festival intro video] [Cut to the set]

Karen Domineau: Hello and welcome to the 2017 New York Film Festival actress round table. Tonight, our topic is sexual harassment in Hollywood. First, we have Oscar winning actress and Harvard’s 2017 artist of the year, Viola Davis.

[Cut to Viola Davis]

Viola Davis: Happy to be here. Well, not happy, but you know, I’m here.

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: Next, another Oscar winner, Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I’m tiny, French and pissed off.

[Cut to Karen Domineau]

Karen Domineau: And joining us again is Hollywood legend, and winner of the Humphrey Bogard good sport award, the incomparable Debette Goldry.

[Cut to Debette Goldry]

Debette Goldry: Oh, wow! What a beautiful hospital this is.

[Cut to everybody]

Karen Domineau: Well, let’s begin with the elephant in the room. In light of the news about Harvey Weinstein, have you ever experienced sexual harassment in Hollywood?

Marion Cotillard: Of course, yes.

Viola Davis: Yes, absolutely.

Debette Goldry: Oh, have I ever been sexually harassed, good Friday, where do you want me to start? A woman being harassed is Hollywood, right? Everything old is new again. Producers are abusing starlets. There is Nazis marching in the street. And suddenly, nude pantyhose are on trend. I have never felt more at home. When’s polio coming back? That’s going to be fun.

Karen Domineau: Now, just hours ago, it was announced that Weinstein was kicked out of the Motion Picture Academy. Did any of you have personal run-ins with Weinstein or other producers?

Marion Cotillard: Um, one time, a producer asked me if I was comfortable with nudity. But it turns out he meant his own.

Viola Davis: One time, a producer asked me for a massage. When I refused he threw 10 or 12 phones at me. Then I realized he was trying to knock my shirt off.

Debette Goldry: I actually did have one meeting with Harvey, okay? I was invited to his hotel room. And when I arrived, he was naked hanging upside down from at that monkey bar. He tried to trick me into thinking his genitals were actually his face. It almost worked. The resemblance is uncanny.

Karen Domineau: Why is it that you think this keeps happening?

Viola Davis: The problem is the culture. There’s no accountability.

Marion Cotillard: Yes. I think men either don’t see it, or they choose not to see it.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. Of course, men cover up for other men. It’s a real you scratch my back, I’ll keep mum about the girl you drowned at your pool party situation.

Karen Domineau: Now, many actresses have commented that there is a whisper system to warn each other about potentially threatening men. Does that ring true to you?

Marion Cotillard: Yes, it’s horrible, but yes it’s true.

Debette Goldry: Yeah, yeah. Back then, we had a secret code among us actresses to warn each other about creeps. The code was ‘Her raped me’. That way, if any men were listening, they would tune us right out. Easy peasy.

Karen Domineau: Did you ever feel like you could go to your male co-stars for help?

Debette Goldry: Hmm. Well, you know, I remember I was doing two days of voiceover work on Alfred Hitchcock’s, “The Birds.” Because originally, the birds were going to be funny and talk. Anyway, Hitchcock comes in the booth, puts his whole fist in my mouth. In his defense, I was very blonde at the time. So, I turned to Rod Taylor. I was like, “Help me out.” And he shook his head and he was like if I can’t save Tippi Head Ron from having her head attacked by real birds, I’m sure as hell not saving you.

Karen Domineau: What do you think keeps women from speaking up?

Viola Davis: Women who speak up get called crazy. It seems like more people believe the moon landing was fake than believe woman.

Debette Goldry: Well, Violin Daveed, I’d hate to break it to you but the moon landing was faked. I was in the cast. I was Buzz Aldrin standing. We had the same waist size. That was a fun set.

Karen Domineau: Is it reassuring that men are starting to speak out in support of their female co-stars?

Marion Cotillard: Yes, you know, but I hate this, “Oh, I’m upset because I’m a father of a daughter.” You know what? You should be upset because you’re a human being.

Debette Goldry: Yeah. You’re right, Macaroni Capa Cabana. Having a lady in the family doesn’t make you some kind of a hero. I mean, even Hitler had a sister. Her name was Paula Hitler. Shy girl. She got outshone at home. I have a daughter too. At least that’s what the nuns told me before they snatched her away. Gosh, those nuns are fast.

Karen Domineau: And where do we go from here?

Debette Goldry: May I speak. Violence against women, it didn’t just happen. This is everywhere. Dammit! It’s about time we take it seriously. My Pandora’s box is open now. And Pandora’s pissed. Who’s with me?

[no one raises their hand]

No. I’m asking, who are these people? [pointing at Viola Davis and Marion Cotillard] I blacked out. Are these the angels? Is it my time?

Karen Domineau: Well, that’s all the time we have for today.

Debette Goldry: I’ve been to the moon, you know?

Donald Trump Trucker Rally Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a group of people waiting for a speech]

Male voice: And now, please welcome the president of the United States, Donald J. Trump.

[Donald Trump walks in]

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you, people of her-ass-burg, Pennsylvania. It’s great to be here with all you truck drivers tonight. Love the truckers. We have so much in common, and not just because all the blood in our bodies pools in our legs and our butts. It’s been a big week, folks. We are getting rid of everything Obama did, health care, the Iran deal. And we are ripping out all these vegetables in Michelle Obama’s garden and planting McNuggets. McNuggets. Love the McNuggets. Coz, we love America, don’t we? That’s why, I had Mike Pence go to the colts game on Sunday. And when those players knelt during the anthem, I told him to get the hell out of there. Don’t worry. We are taking Mike partnership’s season tickets and donating them to two lucky fans in Puerto Rico. They just have to fly themselves to Indiana and book their own hotel. Because at some point, they have to start doing things for themselves, okay? I have actually got Mike standing by right now at the Indiana Pacer’s game. Mike, are you there?

[Cut to Mike Pence in the audience of Indiana Pacer’s game]

Mike Pence: Yes. Hello, Mr. President. Mother and I are here. We just watched the pacers cheer leaders perform a dance routine and I was very into it on a technical level.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: And what about the anthem?

Mike Pence: Oh, it’s starting now.

[National anthem playing]

Donald Trump: What are the players doing? Are they acting like little SOBs?

Mike Pence: No. They seem to be respectful. Wait, one of them is kneeling.

Donald Trump: Get out of there, Mike. Bail. Ditch it. Haul ass, Mike.

[Mike Pence and his mother rushes out] [Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Mike bailed. Big time. But that’s not why I’m here today. Today is about unveiling a magnificent tax plan. We’re gonna give you people back a lot of cash. That’s all I’m focused on. But also, what about Bob Corker? Little liddle Bob Corker. Corker is so small, you know, some politicians wanna be on the quarter some day. Bob Corker could actually be a quarter. He could take a nap on the quarter, okay? I mean, he is extremely small. Bob Corker is basically– and I know I’m not supposed to use this word anymore, but he’s a midget. Okay? Little itty bitty Bob Corker. I mean this guy is so small and I hate doing small jokes. But I have to because I’m the president. This guy is so small–

Audience: How small is he?

Donald Trump: Bob Corker is so small that dermatologist found him on a mole, okay? Very tiny Amigo. And speaking of Amigos, let’s check in again with Mike Pence. Mike, where are you?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: we are inside the Starbucks, Mr. President.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: Mike, I need you to check the cups, okay? Do they say “Happy Holidays” or do they say “Merry Christmas?”

Mike Pence: Sir, it’s October. They wouldn’t have Christmas teamed cups yet.

Donald Trump: They would if they respect America, Mike. The cups would say “Merry Christmas” all year and they would show me and Santa Clause giving all the children coal because coal is the future of this country. Check the cups, Mike, okay?

Mike Pence: The cups say “Pumpkin spice is back”, sir.

Donald Trump: Get out of there right now, Mike. Bail! [Mike Pence and his mother rush out] Get in the private jet. Vamoos! Folks, we’re gonna start saying Merry Christmas again. And you cannot disrespect our lord and savior Santa Clause is like that. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about. As I said, I need to talk about the tax plan and tone tax plan. Because the numbers are amazing. Just amazing. And also, how dumb is that Rex Tillerson, folks? I mean, really. What a dumb dumb dumbarooney. And he has the nerve to call me the moron. Talk about the pot calling the kettle Mexican. I am so much smarter than this guy, Rex. I have a huge IQ. I took a huge IQ test. Let me just assure you, it came back positive. Very positive. Okay? My IQ is through the roof and frankly, through many of the clouds as well, okay? And by the way, I’m the only guy who even knows what IQ means. Most people don’t even know what it stands for. Inquedible.  lot of people don’t know that. And speaking of Inquedible people, let’s just check back with Mike. Mike, where are you, buddy?

[Cut to Mike Pence and his mother]

Mike Pence: WE are inside the wedding, Mr. President. Everything seems very respectful.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Mike Pence]

Donald Trump: What do you see, Mike? Walk us through it?

Mike Pence: Okay. I see the groom. He is waiting patiently at the altar. And then I see– Oh, oh! There is another groom.

Donald Trump: get out of there, Mike! Bail! Pitch it! [Mike Pence and his mother run out] I know you hate this word, Mike. Abort, Mike! Abort! Vaminoos! Outrageous! No one should disrespect the sanctity of marriage like that as it says in my favorite verse of the bible, double korenthians, marriage is between a man and a woman. Then another woman. Then another woman. And maybe one more if you’ve got it in you, okay? Well, in conclusion, I think we solved the tax stuff just like we solved Puerto Rico. And finally, this is very important. Eminem apparently didn’t free-style rap on the BET network the other ay. And he rapped some very nasty things about me, and very soon I’m going to release a response rap on the White Entertainment Network, HGTV. So, watch it back, Eminem. And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Customer Service

Kumail Nanjiani

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Kumail narrating: I was working at a call center in Pakistan at the time doing customer service for Gucci online orders. It mostly entailed getting yelled at by Americans over missing packages, damaged merchandise or wrong orders.

Kumail: Billing. Billing address. Billing.

Kumail narrating: Sometimes they would have a hard time understanding me because of my accent, which would fill them with that red, white and blue rage I had come to fear. Every now and then though, the customer would be calm and even friendly. And sometimes I would hear a longing in their voice. A longing that they had been trying to satisfy with compulsive online shopping but ultimately just needed to be heard. That was the case with this woman. I’ll always remember the first time I ever spoke to her.

Kumail: First and last name please?

Melania Trump: Melania Trump.

Kumail: Excuse me?

Melania Trump: Trump. Like, towers in the sky.

Kumail narrating: She asked me a little bit about myself.

Melania Trump: Where are you from?

Kumail narrating: Then very abruptly told me about her nightmares. she said she dreamt of a blue eyed panther drinking by a river, looking up at her and calmly saying–

Melania Trump: “Be careful what you wish for.”

Kumail narrating: Over the next few months, I became her confidant, dream journal, and one true friend. My shift started at mid-night and on occasion, I’d listen to her till dawn.

Kumail: Well, have you talked to him about that?

Melania Trump: It’s difficult to talk to him about things that are not solid, you know, things that are abstract.

Kumail: Right.

Kumail narrating: She ordered over $400,000 worth of handbags and purposely put in the wrong address just so she could call and chat.

Melania Trump: Oh, did I say red house? I meant White House.

Kumail narrating: She told me she was often criticized for not doing enough to prevent bullying.

Melania Trump: If Donald is bully and I am married to Donald, am I helping bully?

Kumail narrating: But I related to her cause because I struggled with that problem myself. [Kumail is being pushed around in his office] We’re both staring at the world from the outside as if through the sheet of glass.

Melania Trump: If you don’t like this job, why don’t you quit?

Kumail: Because then I wouldn’t have any money.

Melania Trump: You are very interesting man.

Kumail narrating: She told me that some time ago, she found a spider in a bouquet. She gasped, but when the maid asked her if everything was okay, she answered yes. Melania feared that the maid would squash the spider. So she spared the insect with her silence. And even kept it safe in a box under her bed.

Melania Trump: When I first talked to you, I thought he is my new spider. But I was wrong. I am your spider.

Kumail narrating: Our conversations dwindled after that. She probably got very busy being the first lady with and all. And I moved on living my life.

Kumail: [talking to the customer] For the error that we have made and we– [A guy throws a paper ball at Kumail] [Melania Trump walks in the office]

Melania Trump: Bully! Bully! Stop that. Bully.

[Kumail turns around. Melania Trump walks to Kumail.]

Hello, I’m Melania. The woman you talked to on the phone.

Kumail: Yeah, I know.

Melania Trump: I just want to say thank you.

Kumail: For what?

Melania Trump: For listening. I should go before they find out this I’m not asleep.

[Melania Trump leaves]

Kumail narrating: We never spoke again. But I think of her often. Thanks to a little gift I received in the mail one day.

[Kumail opens the box. There’s the spider they talked about.]