SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: And how about these mile scales, on the bottom? Have you ever tried to figure those out? They’re so inaccurate, because you have to do it with your fingers, you know? Because you don’t have a protractor in the car! So you get your fingers out, and you get 50, 60, 70 — by the time you get it up here, it’s like 7,000 miles! From your hotel to the supermarket. Maybe — maybe If you did it real fast. You know, 50, 60, 70. [ moves his fingers across the map very quickly ] And maybe, they oughta just draw a little thumb and finger down there, like there, like that.

Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers perform “Change of Heart”: 02/19/83

Tom Petty: [ singing ]
“Oh yeah, oh boy
Looks like we finally reached a turning point
Oh me, oh my
Looks like it’s time for me to kiss you goodbye
Yeah, I can kiss you goodbye
There’s been a change
Girl, there’s been a change of heart.”

Dick Ebersol: After spending the long weekend in New York, watching the show secretly, it was worse than I thought it would be.

Gail Matthius: We got taken off the air. And everybody said, “Go away, go away for a month. We’ve gotta figure some things out.”

Gilbert Gottfried: Then, when you come back, we’ll tell you how we’ll be tweaking things. Doing it a little different.
Writer’s Script: 03/07/81

Author: “He chose his wife.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots his wife – gun shot ]

Author: “She screamed –“

[ the Wife screams upon being shot ]

Author: “– and fell to the couch.”

[ she starts to fall away from the couch, but Mr. Lawnsdale pulls into the other direction and allows her to fall to the couch ]

Author: No, that’s no good. “Instead, he lets Old Man Lawnsdale have it.”

[ the Jilted Husband shoots Mr. Lawnsdale – gun shot ]

Author: Yeah, that’s it. “He, uh — Lawnsdale falls to the ground.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale falls to the ground ]

Author: No, no, that’s no good. “He, uh — he, uh — falls backwards over the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale looks toward the author like he’s insane, but complies with the storyline and sprawls across the edge of the couch and slams his head through the Plate-Glass window – glass shatters ]

Author: No, I don’t like that, either. “Instead, he staggers around the room, wildly, blindly.” [ Mr. Lawnsdale stands up and staggers ] “Finally, smashing against the bookcase, pulling the entire works of Leo Tolstoy down on his crumpled, lifeless body.”

[ Mr. Lawnsdale staggers into the bookcase, cradles the books into his arms and falls to the ground ]

Gail Matthius: And then we came back.

Joe Piscopo: And we heard, “Who’s coming in? We don’t know. Is Lorne coming back? What’s going on?” It was great. It was — it was turmoil!
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Okay, now, who do they pick to rectify the original error? Someone who knows what he’s doing? Someone like me, Al Franken? [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] No, they picked Dick Ebersol.

Dick Ebersol: There was no chance whatsoever for resurrecting anything resembling “Saturday Night Live”, unless it had Lorne’s approval.

Lorne Michaels: Dick called me and asked if we could have dinner. And, uh, he said that Brandon had talked to him. We sat and we talked, and he said that he thought he wanted to do it. And how would I feel about it? And I said, “My first reaction would be that it would be all right.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: He got Lorne’s blessing, which opened up all the old stars —
Vomitng For Good Luck: 10/31/81
Father Guido Sarducci’s Monologue: 01/14/84
Big Star Eddie Murphy: 01/22/83

Lily Tomlin: “Live from New York, it’s “The Lily Tomlin Show!” [ Eddie Murphy’s arm tugs her back into the hall ]
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Chevy Chase: [ talking into the phone ] I think just a firm and gentle tug on the string, and it — [ looks at the camera, quickly hangs up ]

Barry Blaustein V/O: — and all the old writers. Suddenly, Marilyn Miller was in the office, and Alan Zweibel — all happy to, you know, help out. So it was brilliant. If Jean had done that, it would have changed history.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: I know Dick, and I can tell you that he doesn’t know dick. [ laughter and applause ] Okay. Now, the show is going to be.. a little better. No English-speaking person could do a worse job than Jean.

Barry Blaustein: Dick Ebersol came in, we did one show. But then, there was a writers’ strike.

Dick Ebersol: That was the profound miracle of that first period. Because it was very important to me that the show stop, so that it could re-tool and get new people.

Joe Piscopo: Cut to 17th floor. Bang — everybody getting axed.

Gail Matthius: We had individual meetings with Dick Ebersol. We went in one at a time.

Gilbert Gottfried: You know, it’s always like — “This is always worse for me than it is for you. This hurts me so much more. I’ll have a job. I’ll be making money. You won’t. But it hurts me more.”
Bruce Hornsby & The Range perform “The Way It Is”: 01/31/87

Bruce Hornsby: [ singing ]
“Standing in line marking time waiting for the welfare dime
‘Cause they can’t buy a job
Man in the silk suit hurries by
As he catches the poor old lady’s eyes
Just for fun he says, “get a job.”

That’s just the way it is
Some things never change
That’s just the way it is
That’s just the way it is.”

Barry Blaustein V/O: There was a total housecleaning. Dick came in, and he fired everyone — except David, myself, Pam Norris, Eddie Murphy and Joe Piscopo.

Bob Tischler: It was a way of basically making the show our own, rather than just inheriting Jean’s staff.

Joe Piscopo: And they bring Eddie and I before Mr. Ebersol. And Dick says, “I think we’re gonna keep you guys around.”

Tim Kazurinsky: Dick sent Joe and Eddie to Chicago, thinking, “They need some training.” So they both slept on my floor, and we went to do the shows at Second City.

Joe Piscopo: And we came back with some of the Second City guys. And that’s when we started to move.
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SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found: 11/13/05

Saturday Night Live Transcripts

Special: Saturday Night Live in the ’80s: Lost and Found

Dana Carvey: For those of you at home right now, you’re watching a thing called a television. And we’re broadcasting images that you can see!

Billy Crystal: Even though I’d had a successful run on “Soap,” and so on and so forth, I had the chance to do what I really felt I could do, and what I always wanted to do.
Fernando’s Hideaway: 12/08/84

Fernando: You look maah-velous!

Barbara Bach: You look pretty good, yourself.

Fernando: Well, thank you, darling. I’m blushing inside. My temperature is rising, it isn’t surprising. I’ll tell you that, right now. [ looks over at Ringo Starr ] You know what I’m saying to you?

[ Ringo is ready to speak, but Fernando quickly loses interest and returns his focus to Barbara ]

Fernando: Barbara —

[ Ringo remains stunned that he’s not the one being interviewed ]

Joe Piscopo: They still weren’t sure about Eddie Murphy. And we campaigned — a couple of us said, “This is the guy. You need this guy on the show.” And Eddie was so great. They made him a featured player.
Ebony & Ivory: 05/22/82

Stevie Wonder: [ singing ]
“I am dark, and you are light.”

Frank Sinatra: [ singing ]
“You are blind as a bat, and I have sight!
Side by side, you are my amigo,
Negro, let’s not fiiiiiiiight!”

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I didn’t know how it worked. I didn’t know how to get writers to write for me. I didn’t know you had to get writers to write for you. That took me some time to figure out. Oh, yeah, you need to.. make, sort of, these alliances. [ chuckles ] Like “Survivor.”
The Julia Show: 02/18/84

Julia Louis-Dreyfus: [ standing ] Do you think my hips are getting too wide? I don’t. Nobody does! They’re not.

Jon Lovitz: I really looked up to Phil as my, my, uh — you know, he became my older brother. We became like brothers. We were very, very close.
Johnny O’Connor: 10/18/86

Harry: I think you’re the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I get five hundred letters a day telling me the same!

Johnny O’Connor: What’s the word on the street?

[ Harry is flabbergasted ]

Martin Short: I grew up in a kind of laughter – fun family. And I thought, “Gee, that would – what a way to spend your life, laughing and looking good.
Ed Grimley: 02/02/85

Conan O’Brien: For a while, at “Saturday Night Live,” you don’t know if you’ve made it. I remembered a few times, Lorne has a joke that he sometimes pulls, I think, on newer talent. Every now and then, I’d pass him in the hallway, and Lorne would say, “Still with the show?”
Next With The Producer: 11/08/86

Lorne Michaels: What are you doing in that outfit?

Rosanna Arquette: [ laughs ] It’s for the “Neck With the Producer” sketch! [ hands him the script ]

Lorne Michaels: The “Neck With the Producer” sketch? [ reads ] Hmm.. you’d better get ready — this isn’t bad! I mean, it’s funny, and it makes an interesting point about the homeless.

Rosanna Arquette: [ quick save ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Automobile Club: 11/22/86

Kevin Nealon: Did you know that as many as 12 million Americans cannot read a road map? That’s right, 12 million. Now, I’m guilty of it myself. I really am. I’m terrible with a map. Did you ever have somebody show you where to go on a map? Did you? It’s ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, you know, they’re trying to show you — hold on a second here. All right, okay. [ Laughter ] Okay, all right. You know, they look at your map, and they say, “Okay, here’s where you want to go. All right. Okay, well, it’s not on this map. What you want to do, though, is you want to come off of route 84 over here. You want to cut over to route 23. You’ll see a big hotel over there and some you can’t miss it. Take the map, though, just in case you get lost.” Right? Like you’re gonna get halfway there and ask somebody else for directions. Excuse me, I’m a little lost. I’m right here now.

Goodnights: 05/24/80

Lorne Michaels: It had been my life for five years. And, you know, I’d given it, I think, I everything I had. So, on a certain level, I was relieved to not be doing it anymore. And at the same time, a big piece of my life was missing.

Tom Davis: We were expecting the show to end.
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: After five golden years, Lorne decided to leave. And so did those close to him, including me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] So, NBC had to pick a new producer. Now, most knowledgeable people, as you might imagine, hoped it would be me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] But, instead, without consulting the show’s staff or cast, NBC picked Jean Doumanian.

Lorne Michaels V/O: I got a call from Brandon. And he said that they were going to announce the next day that Jean was going to be taking over.

Laurie Zaks: Jean Doumanian was in charge of Talent at the time. She was booking the show.

Joe Piscopo: We just heard that the original cast was leaving, that the great Lorne Michaels was leaving, and that they’re sweeping the comedy clubs for new cast members for “Saturday Night Live.”
Who is Gilbert Gottfried?: 12/13/80

Announcer: Depressed, despondent, tormented and, by now, wandering the streets aimlessly, Gilbert caught wind that “Saturday Night Live” was scouring the land for performers.

Gilbert Gottfried: They had, like hundreds of, uh, videos on different comedians.

Gail Matthius: We auditioned for eight hours.
Virgin Search: 12/20/80

NBC Executive: I’m in power to offer you a contract with “Saturday Night Live.” Are you a fan of the show?

Gail Matthius: Ah sure am!

Gail Matthius: And the vibe in the waiting room – if looks could kill!
Virgin Search: 12/20/80

NBC Executive: There’s just one thing. Uh – you are a virgin, aren’t you?

Gail Matthius: [ excited ] I sure — [ realizes she’s not, tries to cover herself ] I, uh — [ NBC Executive turns away ] Wait!

Denny Dillon: I actually had six auditions. And the last time I auditioned, I said, “If you have me in again, I’m gonna charge a cover.”

Joe Piscopo: I can remember in the audition, I did: [ singing like Frank Sinatra ] “I don’t stand a ghost of a chance.”

Denny Dillon: For me, personally, I felt like my feet couldn’t touch the ground, because I had felt so excited.
James Brown performs “I Feel Good”: 12/13/80

James Brown: [ singing ]
“I feel good
I knew that I would
I feel good
I knew that I would.
So good!
So good!
I got you!”

Joe Piscopo V/O: Gail Matthius did a character that was the pre-cursor to any “Valley Girl” character.
Valley Girls at the Mall: 12/20/80

Vickie: God, I’m bored to the max!

Debbie: You want to go back to Hutton’s and try on the makeup at the counter?

Vickie: No way! I was just in there, and I was trying on some eye shadow, you know, and stuff? And, um, the lady comes up to me and goes, [ mimicking with a high-pitched squeal ] “May I help you?” [ rolls her eyes ] Rude City! I told her to bite the bag, and left.

Tim Kazurinsky: Joe Piscopo, Gilbert Gottfried, Gail Matthius, were very funny. Denny — they had some really terrific people.
What’s It All About?: 11/15/80

Pinky Waxman: Well, you know the one thing I love about Barbara?

Leo Waxman: What?

Pinky Waxman: She never got a nose job. [ to Elliot ] You know, my daughter, Jules? She wants one. I don’t know what to tell her sometimes. Maybe you could talk to her, Elliot.

[ Elliot Gould isn’t sure how to respond, so he takes a sip from his drink instead ]

Leo Waxman: Excuse me. Pinky, sweetheart, the man is a big celebrity —

Pinky Waxman: Very big.

He can’t talk to your daughter about a nose job!

Pinky Waxman: Of course, of course, he can’t!

Joe Piscopo V/O: Charlie Rocket, a very formidable character actor.
The Rocket Report: 11/22/80

Charles Rocket: Hi, Charles Rocket, on Fifth Avenue! We’re gonna meet some people that are total strangers. Let’s find out what they’re like. Will they be rude? Will they be warm? Will they be friendly? Will they be happy to see us? Well, we’re gonna find out in just a minute or two, as we actually go ahead and meet some total strangers.

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, as Charles approaches a Cuban couple on the street ] Tourists, are you?

Cuban Man: [speaks in Cuban, then translates ] It means, “How do you do?”

Charles Rocket: Okay, well, sounds like you’ve had a couple of drinks this afternoon, huh? [ chuckles ]

[ cut to a later portion of the segment, an elderly man listening to Charles Rocket ]

Charles Rocket: You’re on drugs right now, aren’t you? [ the man looks curiously at Charles Rocket ] You’re on drugs right now. You look like a drug taker, a typical — [ the man shakes his head ] You don’t take drugs?

Elderly Man: No.

Charles Rocket: Ever have?

Elderly Man: No. [ amused ]

Charles Rocket: Well, gee.. what gives you that look? That sort of “drug taker’s” look?

Elderly Man: Well, because I’m very happy.

Neil Levy: Eddie called me from the street – I don’t know, from a pay phone. And he just went on and on, and he just started making me laugh. So I figured, “You know what? I’ll have him in.” And he does a four-minute piece. And the talent was just shooting out of him. So, I took him to Jean, and she hired him as a featured player.
Weekend Update with Charles Rocket: 12/06/80

Raheem Abdul Mohammed: All I’m saying is that y’all stay on the hockey courts and the polo fields, and let us stay on the basketball courts. ‘Cause If God would have wanted whites to be equal to blacks, everybody’d have one of these. [ reaches under the desk and pulls up a boombox ]

David Sheffield: Just, “I don’t give a damn. I don’t care if you watch me or not.” You got the sense that nothing would frazzle him. ‘Cause everybody else was trying real hard. Eddie looked like he wasn’t trying at all, and he was doing it.
Elliot & Gail & Charles & Ann & Joe & Gilbert & Denny: 11/15/80

Denny Dillon: Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night!”
1980-81 opening montage

Denny Dillon: The first show, I got to say, “Live from New York!” That was a really, really, really thrilling moment. And somebody, a friend of mine, took my picture off the television, and I still have it.

David Sheffield V/O: They must have been terrified, pushed out there in front of millions of people, trying to inherit the mantle of these geniuses who’d gone before them.

Barry Blaustein: It was a different standard. So they didn’t have time to really nurture. And there was a pressure.
Queen performs “Under Pressure”: 09/25/82

Queen: [ singing ]
Pushing down on me
Pressing down on you
No man asked for
Under pressure
That burns a building down
Splits a family in two
Puts people on the streets –”

Barry Blaustein V/O: The rumors of Jean’s demise began after the first show.

David Sheffield: It was a very difficult time. Everybody second-guessing everybody. It wasn’t the feel-good disco ’70s anymore. It was the “Fuck You!” ’80s. [ laughs ]
It Just Doesn’t Matter: 03/07/81

Ann Risley: The press hasn’t been overly kind.

Bill Murray: Yeah, I read that stuff: “SaturdayNight Live is Saturday Night Dead.”

Cast: [groans, winces, looks uncomfortable] Oh,come on. Geez.

Bill Murray: “From Yuks to Yecch.” [cast groansand wretches as if in pain] My favorite, though, is”Vile from New York.”

Cast: [groans] Please, Bill.

Bill Murray: [genuinely amused] Come on! It’s funny, it’s funny.

Gilbert Gottfried: When it was announced that “Saturday Night Live” was going to be continuing with a whole new cast, this was an outrage. This would be telling people that, in the middle of Beatlemania, you were going to remove the Beatles and have a whole new group of Beatles.

Joe Piscopo: I don’t think anybody could have followed — I don’t think Chaplin could have followed the original “Saturday Night Live” cast.
Reagan’s Vice President: 01/17/81

Frank Sinatra: [ singing to himself ]
“Start shootin’ the press
Yeah, they’re just in the way.”

David Sheffield V/O: Joe Piscopo was a stand-out, because he was very versatile, and he was unintimidated by live TV.

Tim Kazurinsky: Joe was very hot, very fast.

Gary Kroeger: Piscopo — Joe Piscopo. What a great name!
It Just Doesn’t Matter: 03/07/81

Bill Murray: Are you gonna definitely stick with “Joe Piscopo” as your name?

Joe Piscopo: Well, I was born with it, Bill. You know, it’s my name.

Bill Murray: Wow. [ considers this fact ] Well, whatever.

Gary Kroeger: And he was a real working man’s comedian.
Three Stooges Self-Defense Class: 05/12/84

Curly: Hey, whaddya think of this, sista? [ slaps himself in the face and on the head a few times ] Ahh!

[ Curly then bounces his expansive stomach into the karate instructor’s stomach – “boing” sound effect. As he does, the impact causes the loose-fitting pants to slide down Joe Piscopo’s legs. Everyone in the sketch begins to laugh, as Piscopo struggles to pull his pants back up and Tim Kazurinsky ad-libs as Moe getting angry with Curly, swinging the iron menacingly. Naturally, Piscopo’s pants again fall to the floor. ]

David Sheffield V/O: We got no adult supervision. We got no instruction in how the show was run.

Gilbert Gottfried: She always struck me as the type of woman who would watch a Marx Brothers’ movie and go, “Well, I – I liked Margaret Dumont, but who are those weird gentlemen running around?”

Bob Tischler: She was put in, I think, an untenable position. Just to follow Lorne, to follow that first five years. It was such a strong cast, and such a strong writing staff. It was a very hard act to follow.
Cowboy Junkies perform “Sweet Jane”: 02/18/89

Cowboy Junkies: [ singing ]
“Anyone who’s ever had a heart
Wouldn’t turn around and break it
And anyone who’s ever played a part
Wouldn’t turn around and hate it
Sweet Jane
Sweet Jane
Oh, Sweet, Sweet Jane –”

Neil Levy V/O: It was so unhip. I mean, it came from being the hippest show in the world to just being the most unhip show.

Margaret Oberman: They were certainly not getting the caliber of, like, movie star hosts that they’d had. And that’s how you could sort of tell, you know, what the real estate value was.

Neil Levy: I heard that Madeline Kahn was doing “The Today Show.” And I went down, and she saw me, she remembered me, from the original show. She said, “Neil, how are you?” I said, “I’m great.” Kiss, kiss. “How’s it going? What are you up to?” I said, “Well, actually, I’m working on ‘Saturday Night Li–‘” [ laughs ] She literally was on her way – she was walking away. She knew exactly why I was there – she was gone.

Gilbert Gottfried: We did suck! Let’s – let’s not be — I can’t blame it all on – on the press. The show sucked!
King Kong Syndrome: 02/14/81

Police Officer: You all right, Miss?

Fay: Yeah, I’m all right. But your bullets have killed my date!

Neil Levy: Oh! You know, you’re-you’re-you’re reminding me — I’m starting — you know, my esophagus is going into spasm. It was — it was just — it got worse and worse. When Charlie Rocket said — you know, cursed, on the air.
Goodnights: 02/21/81

Charles Rocket: Oh man, that’s the first time I’ve been shot in my life. I’d like to know who the fuck did it.

[ most of the cast reacts with excited shock ]

Charlene Tilton: Okay! [ lets out an excited scream ]

Neil Levy: Jane Crowley, the censor, she said, “He said “Fuck!” Her face turned red, and that beehive — the little powder pigeon. I thought she was gonna leap over the console, and, like, pull the cables out with her teeth! And, uh, that’s when we started feeling like our days are numbered.

Gilbert Gottfried: It became a good excuse. Once again, people forget the fact that the “F” word slipped through on the original cast of the show. But because that show was doing better – you know, the hearing isn’t as good.
Fine Young Cannibals perform “She Drives Me Crazy”: 03/13/89

Fine Young Cannibals: [ singing ]
“She drives me crazy, ooh ooh
Like no one else, ooh ooh
She drives me crazy, and I can’t help myself, ooh ooh –“
Weekend Update with Chevy Chase: 04/11/81

Al Franken: Now, I don’t want to be cruel, to Jean — because it might make you think less of me, Al Franken. [ SUPER: “Al Franken” ] Anyway, it took NBC twelve shows to figure out their horrendous mistake. And a month ago, they fired Jean.

Gilbert Gottfried: I kind of feel like, that season of “Saturday Night Live,” you could have gotten anybody off the street. You needed a sacrificial lamb. This would appease the gods and make it okay.

Tom Davis: That’s showbiz, you know. It’s not a good time unless somebody gets hurt.
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