Amazon Opens New York Headquarters – Weekend Update | Season 44 Episode 6

[News intro playing] It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin and Michael on a news set]

Michael Che: What’s up everyone?

Colin Jost: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Colin Jost

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture map marking Queens and Arlington on top right corner] Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities [The picture on top right corner changes to screenshot of Amazon shopping cart selling Queens and Arlington cities] in its cart. [The picture on top right corner changes New York city with ‘Question Deal’ tag] A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens, but I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s an Amazon picture on the top left corner] By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All of the cities who lost out must have been like, “Shut up you whiny bitches.” New York basically won the lottery, and we’re like, “Oh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.” Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, “Well back to the mines.”  I know it’s going to raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of ballot machine on the top right corner] Election officials in Florida said the ballot machine overheated causing mismatch results in the recount. Word, they overheated in 2018 with all this technology. I have a watch that can count every step I take and lets me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation, but your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never have these problems? I would love to hear, “We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.” They always make it so simple to pay taxes, meanwhile to vote we have to physically line up on a Tuesday in November like getting meat rations in the 1930s.

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture map of Florida with LGBTQ flag on the top left corner] A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving. [The picture on the top left corner changes to Presiden Trump and baseball player Babe Rth] On Friday president trump held the presidential medal of freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth, because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.

Michael Che: [Cut to Michael. There’s a picture of President Trump speaking with black men standing behind him on the top right corner] Because they’re all black. President Trump announced that republicans and democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way noting makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is, “Oh lord, how much they sell us for?” Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing and probably a trap. At best it’s a good thing but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crack head. I mean it might be a great deal, but at the same time you’re like, “So this dude stole clothes from a baby?”

Colin Jost: [Cut to Colin. There’s a picture of Roger Stone on the top left corner] Great new report. Six days before the Wikileaks released half the emails from Hillary Clinton’s campaign, Roger Stone who I believe runs a haunted carnival, received a text from a friend reading Hillary Clinton’s campaign will die this week, even though the actual moment her campaign died is when she said this- [Cut to Hillary Clinton speaking] “Pokemon Go to the polls!” [Cut to Colin and the picture on top left corner is of Hillary Clinton] I don’t know. Bet Trump is hoping she will Peek-A-Choose to run again.

Voter Fraud Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 6

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Judge Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

Marcia Fudge … Leslie Jones

[Ingraham Angle news intro]

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set] Thank you and hello again. I’m Laura Ingraham, and you’re watching ‘The Ingraham Angle’ which re-airs on Telemundo as ‘La Madre Del Diablo.’ Later in the program celebrities in California are whining about some tiny wildfires, while our heroic president is under constant attack from the rain. And we’ll have a tribute to Thanks Giving, the one day of a year when your all right uncle can really shine. But first, let’s talk about the rampant voter fraud that allowed Democrats to literally steal the election. Some have claimed that suburban women revolted against the Republican party, but doesn’t it feel more true that all Hispanics voted twice? You can’t dismiss that idea simply because it isn’t true and sounds insane. In fact, let’s add that to our list of feel facts [Cut to Picture graph on Feel Facts] which aren’t technically facts, but they just feel true. Like, Latinos can have a baby every three months. Santa is Jesus’s dad. If the earth is so warm then why are my feet cold? Blackface is a compliment. If you have less than five guns, you’re a gay.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Now here to explain how rampant this voter fraud has gotten is Pulitzer Prize eligible judge Jenine Pirro.

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] I hate them, Laura!

Laura: Who?

Jenine: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen] I’m sorry. That’s my vocal warm up.

Laura: Judge, now what specific examples of voter fraud have you uncovered?

Jenine: [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] Well in Georgia, many people were wearing disguises in order to vote multiple times. For example, I saw this man vote in Atlanta. [Cut to Picture of a Black male] Then he went into his car and changed into this woman. [Cut to Same black male dressed as a woman] And [Cut to Judge Jeanine Pirro speaking] he was threatening white voters with a gun and yelling “Hellur.”

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Judge Jeanine Pirro on the right side of the screen]Very disturbing.

Jenine: And apparently there was a huge increase in what people call stacking where multiple children will stack on top of each other under a trench coat and then vote as an adult.

Laura: Wow, fantastic journalism Janine.

Jenine: Duh!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Of course I have to take a moment to thank my sponsors, the few remaining businesses that are willing to be associated with me. Starting with Fashion Catheters. Got poor control but great style. Fashion Catheters. Now with genuine Swarovski Crystals, ouch! And is your dog still not baptized? Then order Reverend Whitaker’s home dog baptism kit. Because all dogs don’t go to heaven unless they’re properly baptized. And of course, Undersea Airlines. Need to get into the ocean fast? This airline will make sure it happens. The only planes that start on fire. And only want the healthy part of the egg? Try Whites Only. It’s egg whites, and it’s just for us.

Alright, my next guest has been under intense scrutiny for letting Russians use his website to spread lies about candidates. Please welcome Facebook CEO, Mark Zuckerberg.

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] Hey Laura. It’s great to be here. Smile, two, three, four.

Laura: Mark, are you comfortable? [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Why are you holding your arms like that?

Mark: Because when I practiced it earlier, there was a table.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Mark, what about the story that Facebook hired the same PR firm that did a vicious smear camping against billionaire George Soros seen here in the Fox News photo. [Cut to Picture of a creature from a Netflix show] Did you know that[Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] they were behind that campaign?

Mark: Absolutely not, Laura. Blink twice and eyeballs. [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] The idea we knowingly employed a horrible company makes me laugh, ha, ha, ha.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen]Good job. People say my laugh is chilling. And how are you adjusting to demands for Facebook to become more transparent?

Mark: [Cut to Mark Zuckerberg in his office] I can’t be any more transparent. Have you seen my skin? Ha, ha, ha. If I were more transparent, I would be clear. Seriously, I kid. I think the problem is when I do bad things, I get money. What? Ha, ha, dab, dab.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Mark Zuckerberg on the right side of the screen] Yikes for that. Thank you, Mark. [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Democrats will soon be deciding who’s going to be the speaker of the house. Here to comment is diverse Congresswoman from Ohio. Please welcome representative Marcia Fudge.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Hi, Laura. I’m sorry. Did you refer to me as diverse?

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Probably not. Now, Congresswoman fudge, you’re challenging Nancy Pelosi for speaker of the house. Why do you think Nancy Pelosi has to go?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Nancy Pelosi is tainted. For years the GOP has used her name against us. But Republicans could never find a way to make fun of me, a middle-aged black woman named Fudge.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Funny. And do you think Nancy Pelosi, seen here in the recent documentary about her, “The nun,” [Cut to Poster picture of the movie ‘The Nun’] do you think she’ll give up the chance to be speaker of the house?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Look, I love Nancy Pelosi, and I’m not saying she’s old, but her baby sister is a redwood tree. When she started her title was ‘Speaker Of the Cave.’ Somebody give me a microphone. That bitch is so old, when she was born, the doctors said, “The first girl!” She just calls the old testament, the testament. She’s so old; her birthstone is Rosetta!

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Okay. I think we understand, Marcia.

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] Okay. I’m done. And the other reason I should be speaker is that I can help mobilize the black vote.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Marcia Fudge on the right side of the screen] Uh-oh. The phrase ‘mobilize the black vote’ has set off our fire, Fox News ‘The country is changing’ alarms. Marcia, what do you think of that?

Marcia: [Cut to Marcia Fudge in her office] I think that you’re lucky we in a remote interview because if I was there in person, I would knock the fudge out of you.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] Well, alright, let’s take a break and hear from our sponsors. Like Teeny Tiny Turkey. Have you alienated everyone in your life? Have thanksgiving for one with the Teeny Tiny Turkey. We swear it ain’t a pigeon. And Cash for Organs. You don’t need all those organs. Plus, Volkswagen: You know why. And finally, it’s White Chess where all the pieces are white, and everybody wins. When we come back, part two of my interview with the self-proclaimed vape god, a real person I had on my show.

Vape God: [Cut to Pete Davidson as a Vape god] Y’all what up. I’m ready to talk politics and rip some fat clouds.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] And you’re not trolling me, right? You’re a real expert on E-cig laws?

Vape God: Oh for sure. I got that swag. I got that drip.

Laura: And our producers have fully vetted you? Because we bumped Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas to speak with you.

Vape God: [Cut to Vape God speaking] Then you made the right choice. My puff puff game dilly dilly.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham on the left side of the screen and Vape god on the right side of the screen] This is great! Now, finally, a Millennial who’s speaking my language. Much more with that gentleman. When we return.

Vape God: I’ll have my dong out.

Laura: [Cut to Laura Ingraham in the news set speaking] I can’t wait. It sounds goo and live from New York; it’s Saturday Night.