SNL Transcripts: Sean Hayes: 02/17/01: Fashion Week 2001

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 12

00l: Sean Hayes / Shaggy

Fashion Week 2001

Adrian Dante…..Sean Hayes
Sally O’Malley…..Moly Shannon

[ Outside shot of a one story building in New York City. The caption at the bottom reads: Fashion Week 2001 New York City. CUT TO: Inside, where two models are posing in beige outfits on a catwalk, in front of a sign that reads: Adrian Dante. SEAN rides in between the two women on a scooter. He is wearing a baret, a blond wig, a brown scarf, a green and brown sweater, and matching brown pants. The models step aside to let him pass. He rides to the end of the catwalk and lets his scooter fly off the end. People are gathered around the stage, some taking pictures. Runway music is playing. ]

Adrian Dante: [ speaking with a German accent ] Who is Adrian Dante? Dante…Dante…In my collection tonight, I’ve try to combine the movement and fire of a Jackson Pollock painting with the warmth and curvature of Arohaho. May these designs touch you as much as I touch myself. Because that indeed would be one lucky collection. Love Adrian Dante. [ blows kiss ] Whoops, that’s for me. [ ‘grabs’ kiss back ]

[ SEAN walks out stage left very oddly as the music starts up and the lights dim. The two models leave with him and another more enters stage right in a similar beige outfit. She walks the catwalk, then turns and exits stage left. As she does, another model enters in a beige outfit, does the same routine, and exits. Now MOLLY SHANNON as Sally O’Malley enters. She’s wearing a red stretch top and pants, sneakers, and has on a curly dark brown wig. She looks at the audience as she tugs on her pants. SEAN enters stage left, hands on hips. ]

Adrian Dante: Who are you and why are you hijacking my show?

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Sally O’Malley. I’m proud to say I’m fifty years old, I’m not one of those gals who likes to hide her age. And I like to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Fifty years old, ladies and gentlemen, fifty years old! Fifty years old!

Adrian Dante: I’m sorry, I thought this was the Adrian Dante show, not “The Price is Right”.

Sally O’Malley: If you shut that little fly catcher of yours, I’ll tell you why I’m here.

Adrian Dante: And I’ll tell you five reasons why you shouldn’t be here: chin, boobs, hips, hair, and can.

[ flashbulbs start going off ]

Adrian Dante: [ stepping in front of MOLLY with his arms out ] Please do not take pictures of her, this is not part of my collection.

Sally O’Malley: Ah, put your arms down. [ pushes SEAN’s arms down and moves him out of the way ] Now listen here, I’m here to take back the runway for all the regular gals out there. All right? So watch out you guys, ’cause here comes the house of O’Malley.

Adrian Dante: Oh, dear sweet Budda.

[ MOLLY starts to walk down the catwalk as the music picks up faintly in the background ]

Sally O’Malley: Ladies and gentlemen, this one I like to call the ‘Easy Rider’. [ makes riding motions with her hands ] You slip it on Monday and ride it ’til the end of the week thanks to a touch of Febreeze. [ There is a shot of SEAN’s face, looking ticked off. MOLLY pulls up her pants again, looks back at SEAN, then looks like she’s about to laugh ]

Adrian Dante: Why am I being haunted by the ghost of Lee Mary Wether?

Sally O’Malley: And my favourite feature is the panty panel… [ indicates to her panty line ] …that let you get to the basement without going through the front door. All this in an attractive two-piece that allows me to kick! [ kicks ] Stretch! [ stretches ] And kick! [ kicks ] I’m fifty! Half a century, soldiers, half a century!

[ SEAN walks up to her ]

Adrian Dante: I should-

[ stops because of applause ]

Sally O’Malley: Fifty years old. [ holds up hands, the right one in the shape of a zero, and the left one wide open, representing five ]

Adrian Dante: I should call security, but you are so mother-humping odd I can’t keep my eyes off you.

Sally O’Malley: Maybe that’s because I’m a choo-choo Charlie and a [ turns in a circle ] class act.

Adrian Dante: You’re either mentally ill or you’re going to make a big splash in the fashion industry. I am curious to know whether you can gallop with my thoroughbreads.

Sally O’Malley: I was born to strut, Dante.

Adrian Dante: Well, I’ll give you one shot, let’s see if your cat can still walk.

Sally O’Malley: I’ll show you that.

[ MOLLY runs backstage and SEAN addresses the audience ]

Adrian Dante: And now back to the all new world of Spring and Summer with Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante, Dante.

[ SEAN exits stage left and the music picks up and the lights dim. Two models in beige outfits walk out and pose at the end of the catwalk, followed by MOLLY. They have the name Adrian on their butts. MOLLY walks between the two and poses at the end. ]

Sally O’Malley: This little lovely number features a lovely little camel toe. [ pulls up pants ]

[ SEAN enters from off stage ]

Sally O’Malley: Easy riding. Easy ride.

[ SEAN claps his hands ]

Adrian Dante: Bravo, bravo.

Sally O’Malley: Camel toe, hike the pants up. Comfortable fit, for stretching. [ MOLLY raises her right leg and puts her foot on a man in the audience’s head to stretch ] Stretching, stretching… [ MOLLY bends over, using the man’s head for balance ] …stretching, see the pants fit. It ain’t never hurt nobody. [ rests her foot on another audience member’s head to stretch ] I’ll stretch it there.

Adrian Dante: Bravo, that was just fascinating, but you’re getting geezer dust all over my collection. Please get off my catwalk.

Sally O’Malley: Listen mister, who you callin’ a geezer, huh? I may have a few rings around my trunk, but at least I’m not trying to cover ’em up like you.

Adrian Dante: What’s your point?

Sally O’Malley: My point is I think that you should stop trying to make everyone perfect, especially yourself. And you should start by losing your grandson’s cap there… [ indicates to SEAN’s beret ] …and take it off… [ MOLLY’s takes the hat and tosses it to the audience. It is revealed that SEAN is bald, with a bad combover ] …and let your cueball breathe!

Adrian Dante: My combover!

[ SEAN looks down in embarassment ]

Sally O’Malley: And by the way, you don’t need… [ MOLLY lifts SEAN’s shirt up ] …this little man-girdle either! Take that off!

[ MOLLY removes the girdle and tosses it into the audience ]

Sally O’Malley: Here ya go!

Adrian Dante: I haven’t exhaled in eighteen years! Mama, that felt good!

Sally O’Malley: Let it all hang out, honey! See, how good it feels?

Adrian Dante: I like to scratch! [ scratches ] Belch! [ belches ] And scratch! I’m sixty!

Sally O’Malley: Listen, stick with me Dante! [ a piano starts to play ] We’re gonna knock the fashion world on their bony little butts! ‘Cause we know how to…

[ blue lights come on and music starts, along with the piano ]

Sally O’Malley: [ singing ] Assentuate the positive!

[ Models in versions of MOLLY’s outfit begin to walk out from backstage ]

Both: [ singing ] Illiminate the negative!

Sally O’Malley: Hang on..

Both: To the informative!
But don’t mess with Mister in-between!

Sally O’Malley: You gotta spread joy
to the maximum.

Both: Bring gloom
down to the minimum.
Have faith
and pandamonium
liable to walk upon the sea!

Sally O’Malley: [ speaking ] I’m fifty! [ kicks ]

Adrian Dante: [ speaking ] I’m sixty! [ kicks, then acts as if he pulled something ]

[ The picture of MOLLY smiling and kicking and SEAN in pain freezes and becomes the cover of a Vogue, with the headline: Dante and O’Malley: ‘Geezer Chic’ . ]

[ END ]

Submitted by: The Unofficial Jack & Karen Site

SNL Transcripts

The Culps

The Culps

Principal…..Jerry Minor
Marty Culp…..Will Ferrell
Bobbi Mohan-Culp…..Ana Gasteyer

Principal: Martin Luther King said the best way for a person to change is through nonviolent means, and that’s why I choose not to hunt down and beat the person who wrote “crap nut” on the globe in my office! SO not funny! You’re so mistaken if you think that’s funny! Okay, and now, a treat from the music department.

[Marty and Bobbi Mohan-Culp enter]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Test, test. [microphone gives off feedback] Test. Whoops. We got a real hot mic here.

Marty Culp: Check, check.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Got a real, real hot mic.

Marty Culp: Could we adjust the audio balance?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Could we adjust the audio? And the treble, actually. And the –

Marty Culp: And the bass. All three.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Can we – can we adjust the treble and the bass? Nothing’s up to par today.

Marty Culp: Nothing. Well, good afternoon.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yeah.

Marty Culp: What a special mandatory celebration of the life and work of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. I’m Mr. Marty Culp.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: And I’m Ms. Bobbi Mohan-Culp. And as you know, we do head up the music department here at Alta Dena. So, hello again.

Marty Culp: Seems like only yesterday when Bobbi and I were driving to Washington in our VW Bus to join thousands of people in their march against racial discrimination.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It truly is a powerful memory. It really is. I think what I dug the most was the unity vibe. I was really grooving on with my brothers and sisters. It really was groovy.

Marty Culp: And what I think I dug the least was the 600 dollars we ended up paying in parking fines for mistakenly parking on the lawn of the Library of Congress. It really, really was a bummer.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Kind of tough. We blamed one another for not seeing the “No Parking” sign and really ripped into each other on the way home.

Marty Culp: Yeah.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: It would be the only time in our relationship that I openly mocked Marty for being prematurely bald.

Marty Culp: It’s true. I retaliated, however, with a list of names for my wife, including Stink Pits and Cottage Cheese Ass.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes. Yeah, it was tough.

Marty Culp: I’m not proud of it.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: No. We learned that day just how terrible it feels to be shamed for who you are on the outside.

Marty Culp: In the end, we were being just a couple of judgmental honkies, pretty much.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: We really were. Can we try to harness some of this rowdy energy? The diving and the jumping off the backs of chairs.

Marty Culp: Can we do that?

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: This is not a Limp Bisquick concert.

Marty Culp: No. No, it’s not. I’m Mr. Culp, not Fred Dilst up here. So knock off the marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Okay, this is not the place… it’s not the place to be form a mush pit. It’s not the place.

Marty Culp: No marshing.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: So, so no marshing. No marshing.

Marty Culp: It’s a “No Moosh Pit Zone”. I think it’s time for everyone to be still for a moment and reflect on the past.

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Yes, yes. You know, whether it be 1963 or 2001, the spirit of the Civil Rights Movement does live on right here.

Marty Culp: So sit down, sit in, and join our musical march straight to the top of mountain funk. 1, 2, 3, 4… [starts playing piano] Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: “Come and ride the train!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”

Marty Culp: “Freedom!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Come and ride it!”

Both: “Come and ride the train, come ride it!”

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga…

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: [blows train whistle]

Marty Culp: Chuga-chuga!

[piano plays music to Sly and the Family Stone’s “Everyday People”]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “I am everyday people!”

Marty Culp: “There is a blue one that can’t accept the green one,
for living with a fat one trying to be a skinny one…”

Both: “Different strokes for different folks,
and so on and so forth and Scooby Dooby Doo!”

[music changes to Wild Cherry’s “Play That Funky Music”]

Both: “And they were dancing and singing and moving to the grooving,
and just when it hit me somebody turned around and shouted…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White boy…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Play that funky music…”

Marty Culp: “White boy…”

Both: “Lay down the boogie and play that funky music ’til you die!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “‘Til you die! Whoa, ’til you die!”

[music changes to DMX’s “Party Up”]

Both: “Y’all gonna make me lose my mind,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me go all out,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me act like a fool,
Up in here, up in here!
Y’all gonna make me lose my cool,
Up in here, up in here!”

[tempo slows down and goes into Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Goin’ On”]

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “Ooooooh…”

Marty Culp: Hey, brother man. Hey, brother man, word out on the street is that it’s 2001 and we’re still not in a colorblind world.

Both: “Mother, mother,
There’s too many of you crying,
Oh, brother, brother, brother
There’s far too many of you dying…”

Marty Culp: “You know we’ve got to find a way…”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “To bring some lovin’ here today!
What’s goin’ on?”

Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Marty Culp: “What’s goin’ on?”

Both: “What’s goin’ on?”

[music changes to Nine Days’ “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)”]

Both: “This is the story of Dr. King,
The cat who tried to do his own thing,
We’re reminded of him every year,
We absolutely love him
Bank holiday!”

[music changes to Creed’s “Higher”]

“Can you take me higher,
to a place where blind men see?
Can you take me higher,
to a place with golden streets?
He had a dream!”

Bobbi Mohan-Culp: Thank you, Dr. King.

Thanks to Mike S. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts