SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 11/04/00: A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 4

Search Now: In Association with

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

A Glimpse Of Our Possible Future I

President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Voice of Don Pardo: America, Election Day fast approaches, and withthe Presidential Race still too close to call, “Saturday Night Live” wouldlike to present “A Glimpse of our Possible Future”.

[ open on Scenario I ]

Announcer: And now a Message From the President of the United States:George W. Bush.

[ open on the Oval Office – beer cans on desk, socks hung on the lamp, abarbecue grill burning on his desk ]

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President, get out there!

President George W. Bush: [ from under his desk ] No! No, you can’t make me!You’re gonna yell at me again!

Voice of Advisor: Mr. President!

President George W. Bush: [ peeks out from under his desk ] No! I don’t want to goout, it’s too hard!

Voice of Advisor: You’re on, Sir!

President George W. Bush: Awww.. [ jumps up and takes his seat ] Hey, America!So, how we all doing out there, huh? Yeah, not so good. I broke the HooverDam.. we had that war thing happen. But I mean, who ever heard of a CivilWar, anyway? What is that? [ grabs a pair of binoculars, unscrewsthe lens, then pours alcohol from it into his mouth ] I have missed you,ol’ buddy! [ pours it into his barbecue grill ] Whoo! I think wecan agree, Americans, that these have been a difficult first two years ofmy presidency..

Voice of Advisor: You’ve been President for two weeks!

President George W. Bush: Really? Oh, man! I told you, this is hard!Okay, listen.. I’m just gonna get this Address thing over with. As weassess the State of the American Union today, we have reason to hope, because.. [ takes out a map which shows California and Florida as islands, Texas inCommunist Mexico, and the Great Lakes on fire ] Holy crap! When didall this happen?! Wow.. the Great Lakes are on fire – even I knowthat’s not good. [ laughs ] Okay, America, we got a lot of problems. Iain’t gonna lie to you. But with the help of Vice-President Dick Cheney..

Voice of Advisor: You killed him in a hunting accident!

George W. Bush: Okay, fine! Not a problem. ‘Cause I’ve been workinghard, I got a plan that’s gonna solve all of it – from the deficit, toforeign relations, to that hole in the sun. Two words, America: OstrichMeat.

Voice of Advisor: [ disgusted ] Oh, come on! [ exits Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: No, no, wait, wait! Hear me out. You see, everyonegets an ostrich.. and then you eat the ostrich, then you raise the ostrich..that way, no more ostriches! We are trying to get rid of all the ostriches,right? Anyone? [ ball of fire erupts outside ] Aw, screw! That big titbuilding is on fire again – damn! Alright, sorry, folks.. I gottatake care of this.. [ stands up ] Come on, Blue! Here, boy! [ an ostrichambles forward ] You all go on ahwad without me. And, in the meantime, “Live,from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Charlize Theron: 11/04/00: Charlize Theron’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 26: Episode 4

Search Now: In Association with

00d: Charlize Theron / Paul Simon

Charlize Theron’s Monologue

…..Charlize Theron
…..Tracy Morgan

Charlize Theron: Thank you! I’m delighted to be here in New York,hosting the show. I actually wasn’t even born in the United States – I wasborn and raised in South Africa. But I live here now!

Tracy Morgan: [ standing amongst the audience ] Oh, Boo! Boo?You serious?

Charlize Theron: Yes.. Sir.. you have a question?

Tracy Morgan: No, I’m not a Sir. I’m Tracy Morgan, I’m on the show.

Charlize Theron: Oh, really?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah. I didn’t have much to do this week, so I skippedthe practices. You live here, but you were born in Africa?

Charlize Theron: Yes, that’s right.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. so you’re an African-American?

Charlize Theron: [ contemplating ] Wow..! I guess I am! I.. I..I never thought of it that way..

Tracy Morgan: [ steps on stage ] Well, you better start thinkingabout it that way!

Charlize Theron: You’re right. People always think I’m Swedish orGerman.. but I’m African-American, you’re right!

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, we have to stick together, because thisbusiness is rough!

Charlize Theron: You’re right.

Tracy Morgan: Hell, yeah, I’m right! So, I saw you in thatnew movie with Will Smith.

Charlize Theron: Yeah, “The Legend of Bagger Vance”. It’s me, andWill, and Matt Damon.

Tracy Morgan: I don’t know him.

Charlize Theron: But you know Will Smith?

Tracy Morgan: Not personally.. but I hang out with DJ Jazzy Jeff’screw. You know Griffin Louie Trade? Man, that dude is hilarious! [ laughs ]

Charlize Theron: That’s the guy with the iguana, right?

Tracy Morgan: Yeah, man, that lizard is crazy! [ takes out apack of cigarettes ] You want a Newport?

Charlize Theron: [ takes out her own pack of cigarettes ] That’s okay.I got my Kools.

Tracy Morgan: Mmm. When I saw you in “Bagger Vance”, I knew you wasAfrican-American, man. When I heard you talking during the movie..

Charlize Theron: I was in the movie.

Tracy Morgan: So was I. I was yelling at the screen: “Let Will Smithhit the ball, man! He’s like Tiger Woods!”

Charlize Theron: So, did you like the movie?

Tracy Morgan: Uh.. we didn’t get to see it all. They had kicked usout because they said a little trained lizard had bit a kid in the thirdaisle – but I didn’t have nothin’ to do with that! But we all know whatthe real reason was.

Charlize Theron: Because you’re African-American.

Tracy Morgan: Oh.. you can relate. Damn! It’s about time they let a sister host this show! And you’re fine, too!

Charlize Theron: Thanks, Tracy!

Tracy Morgan: [ peeks around back ] Your ass a little bony, butthat’s okay. Anyway, I’m gonna let y’all get on with your show – it’s abig one, the election show. By the way, who you voting for?

Charlize Theron: Well, actually, because I was born in Africa, Ican’t vote.

Tracy Morgan: Hmm.. I can’t, either. I got convicted of a felony.Anyway, I should let you do your thing. Stay strong, sister! You heard?

Charlize Theron: I heard. [ they clap fists before Tracy stepsaway ] We have a great show, Paul Simon is here, so stick around, we’ll beright back!

SNL Transcripts