Jackie Gives Attitude

Jackie Gives Attitude

Jackie…..Maya Rudolph
Tamilla…..Mena Suvari
Passenger #1…..Horatio Sanz
Passenger #2…..Ana Gasteyer
Passenger #3…..Chris Parnell
Lamont…..Tracy Morgan
Doug…..Will Ferrell
Tyrell…..Jerry Minor
…..Lenny Kravitz

Announcer: Flight 39 to Minneapolis, now boarding, all passengers.

Tamilla: I can’t believe my giants are goin’ to the Super Bowl!

Jackie: I know baby, but against who? The Baltimore Ravens, puh-leese. I know my boy Jason Seahorn gon’ tear it up!

Tamilla: I’m telling you, and he is so fine!

Jackie: Mmm-hmm.

Tamilla: Mmm-hmm!

Passenger #1: You guys done? Can I go now?

Jackie: Not yet. You know, I hear that storm, they shut it down tonight. (searches Passenger #1 with scanner) A’ight, go. (Passenger #1 exits) Ne’t!

(Passenger #2 steps through metal detector, it beeps)

Tamilla: Excuse me, where do you think you’re going?

Passenger #2: Oh, I’m sorry…umm…

Jackie: (interrupting) Ma’am, I suggest you empty your pockets of all personal belongin’s into the tray, and then turn back around and walk to where you done came from, and then try comin’ through again.

Passenger #2: Oh, I…I’m sure it’s just my watch…not a big deal…

Tamilla: Ma’m, the decency of your personal things are of no concern to us.

Jackie: Mmm-hmm. So why don’t place your tacky Burger King giveaway jewelry into the aforementioned tray?

Passenger #2: Burger King? This is a Rolex.

Jackie: Ma’m, why don’t you just empty it out, put it in the tray, turn yourself back around, and step on through?

Tamilla: Find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it.

Passenger #2: You know, is this really necessary? My plane is boarding right now.

Tamilla: You know, the FAA requires you to get to the airport at least two hours in advance.

Passenger #2: I did. I’ve been in line for forty five minutes.

(Passenger #2 puts watch in the tray and walks through the detector again, it beeps)

Tamilla: Body search!

Jackie: Mmm-hmm!

(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #2 with scanners)

Jackie: A’ight, you done!

Passenger #2: There! Are you happy now?

Jackie: Oh, I’m always happy.

(Passenger #2 exits, Passenger #3 walks through metal detector, it beeps)

Passenger #3: Dammit!

Jackie: Sir, I suggest you watch your language, you in mama’s kitchen now! Okay, here’s my gang plan, why don’t you just turn it back around, and walk to where you done came from?

Passenger #3: Alright, here…it…it’s just a little bit of change, alright, I’m going to put it in the tray, (puts it in the tray) then I’m going to go back through. Okay?

Jackie: Mmm-hmm.

(goes back through the detector, it beeps)

Passenger #3: Of course! Now what?

Jackie: Sir, perhaps I am speaking too quickly! I’m gon’ need you to empty the con-tents of your pocket into the tray!

Passenger #3: Okay, I did, there is nothing left in my pockets.

Tamilla: Sir, because of your learning disability, let me make this simple – find it and remove it, step on back and scoot it!!

Jackie: You are not getting on that plane until you scoot it up and step it on through!!

(Passenger #3 goes back through the detector, it beeps)

Tamilla: Body search!

(Jackie and Tamilla search Passenger #3 with scanners)

Passenger #3: Look the detector is going off on everyone! Obviously there is something wrong with your machine!

Both Guards: Ohh…right!

Tamilla: You know, put your feet out and your arms out to the side.

(The guards stop scanning him)

Passenger #3: See? There’s nothing.

Tamilla: You know, we need to step a security in for a more thorough check. Lamont!

Lamont: Come with me, sir.

Passenger #3: Look, I am not going to be searched by this man!

Lamont: That’s right! You’re gon’ be searched by this man!

(Another security guard appears, Passenger #3 exits with him)

(Doug steps through the detector)

Jackie: Uhh..sir, where do you think you are goin’?

Doug: I’m Doug Drabeck from Maintenance. They sent me to fix a broken metal detector, so I’ll just take a look.

Jackie: Sir, I’m gon’ need to ‘splain a lil’ somethin’ to ya. You gon’ need to empty out your pockets, and do the dance, just like everybody else.

Doug: You don’t understand. I’m not going anywhere, I’m just here to fix the detector.

Tamilla: That’s right, you’re not going anywhere!

Doug: Okay, look. I have to fix the panel on the detector, and I’m not going anywhere because I’m an employee.

Jackie: Okay, you want trouble, cuz we give you trouble! Tyrell!

Tyrell: What? What is it? Why is everybody lookin’ so tense?

Tamilla: He’s threatening us.

Doug: I’m the repair technician!

Tyrell: He says he’s a repair technician, y’all. Lemme see that ID. (Doug hands him his card) This ain’t you! This a different man! The man in this picture wearin’ a red shirt!

Doug: Oh, come on! Come on!

(Lenny Kravitz steps through the detector with his band)

Jackie: Excuse me! Excuse me!

Lenny Kravitz: Our flight’s about to leave, we have a concert in three hours.

Tyrell: Ooh, don’t I know you?

Tamilla: Mmm, I know who that is, that’s Lenny Kravitz!

Tyrell: No, no, that’s not it. D’your sister Bernice live in the projects?

Lenny Kravitz: I don’t have a sister named Bernice in any projects.

Jackie: Listen up bell bottoms, cuz here’s the drill. What I’m gon’ have you do, is you gon’ take those cute lil’ pockets, you gon’ empty ’em out, then you gon’ turn yourselves back around!

Thanks to Ann*e Hussey for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Pierce Brosnan’s Monologue

Pierce Brosnan’s Monologue

…..Pierce Brosnan
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Pierce Brosnan: Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”. Thank you! Now, most of you probably know me from my most famous role as Dr. Angelo from the movie “The Lawnmower Man.” I can’t even walk down the street without somebody saying: “Hey Dr. Angelo! How’s your lawnmower, man?” Well, it’s so annoying. There is of course, one other role for which I am known. (Band plays 007 theme) Ah yes! Ah yes! Music to my ears!

(Enter Sean Connery)

Sean Connery: That music’s not for you, laddie. That music is for me. Bond, James Bond.

Pierce Brosnan: Hi, Sean. How are you.

Sean Connery: Didn’t expect to see me now, laddie?

Pierce Brosnan: Actually, I did. You’ve been following me for three years.

Sean Connery: Well I’m only trying to help. You’re on live TV now, Remington Steele. You’re not on one of you cushy movie sets. There’s no stunt doubles here, none of your pedicures or hummingbird tongue canopies or calf-skin toilet paper. This is danger and you’re neck-deep in it, nancy boy.

Pierce Brosnan: What are you talking about? Are you threatening me somehow?

Sean Connery: Don’t get your panties in a bunch, missy! I just wanted to talk man to man, but apparently we’re missing half the equation.

Pierce Brosnan: Sean, if you have a problem with how I play James Bond, you should just tell me, okay?

Sean Connery: Well, I’ll tell you a story, a parable, if you will. It’s about a man, roughly your height and build, who thought a lot of himself until his teeth were knocked out by a baseball bat held by me. The end. (laughs)

Pierce Brosnan: Ok, now I’ll tell you a story. A fable, if you will. It’s about a man roughly my height and build, who was being annoyed by and 80 year old Scotsman, so he shoved him down a flight of stairs. The end!

Sean Connery: Whoa! Well you’re alright, laddie. I didn’t know you had it in you. From now on we’re a team. Let me put it another way:
“Wherever we go,
Whatever we do…”

Pierce Brosnan: No! No singing.

Sean Connery: Fair enough. How ’bout we just meet after the show and kick the crap out of Timothy Dalton?

Pierce Brosnan: Sounds good to me! We have a great show! Destiny’s Child is here! Sean Connery is here! So stick around!

Thanks to Elizabeth C. for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts