Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey
James Madison…..Tina Fey
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon and Tina Fey.
Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey and here are tonight’s top stories.
In his victory speech Wednesday night, George W. Bush acknowledged the need for national healing, saying, “I was not elected to serve one party, but to serve one nation. Unless you look at the popular vote, in which case I wasn’t elected at all.”
Following the Supreme Court’s ruling against him, Al Gore officially ended his candidacy on Wednesday. When informed by an aide that Gore conceded, Bush responded, “I know. That guy so loves himself.”
Dick Cheney so overshadowed George W. Bush the last couple of weeks that Bush has nicknamed him “Big Time.” This replaces Cheney’s old nickname “Heart Attack Jones.”
George Bush made his first Cabinet appointment today, naming Colin Powell his Secretary of “Please Black People Don’t Hate Me”.
Madonna and long-time boyfriend, director Guy Ritchie, will get married next week in Scotland. Insiders say that the couple will keep their famous names. Madonna will stay Madonna and Guy Ritchie will stay “Guy Who Married Madonna.”
Hillary Clinton will receive eight million dollars from Simon and Schuster to write her memoirs. Mrs. Clinton has said she’ll use the money from the book to “pay off all the legal bills incurred by my husband’s five hummers.” The book is tentatively titled “Why I Throw Things.”
Tina Fey: Now that the dust has settled from this year’s election, we all wonder what the Founding Fathers would have thought of all this confusion. Here with the answer, straight from the 18th century, is Founding Father James Madison.
James Madison: Thank you. Thank you, good woman, kindly sir. The concept of the electoral college.. [ stares at the spotlights ] Dear God, what is that? The sun has come indoors! This must be the end of the world!
Jimmy Fallon: That’s just the lights, we have electricity now.
James Madison: Devil within me! My chair is spinning if I drunk much ale at the local tavern!
Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s just a chair.
James Madison: I must say, it’s great fun indeed! This indoor sun and magic chair bring a readiness to my cheek, and my thoughts turn to young lasses. Ms. Tina Fey, you’re a handsome woman..
Tina Fey: You’re here to talk about the election.
James Madison: You’re a handsome woman, indeed!
Tina Fey: Surely, as one of the founding fathers, you’d..
James Madison: [ interrrupting ] I’d like to take you over my knee and have my way with you!
Tina Fey: What are you talking about? You’re very tiny and effeminite!
James Madison: We had bad nutrition.
Tina Fey: All I know is that when I vote I want my vote to count!
[ James Madison stares at a ballpoint pen in awe, while clicking it back and forth ]
Tina Fey: Mr. Madison?
James Madison: Marvelous!
Tina Fey: Mr. Madison, it’s time for you to go.
James Madison: Does anyone know where I can find lodging and a whore?
Jimmy Fallon: 43rd and 10th.
Tina Fey: James Madison, everybody.
Thursday, the Secret Service delivered President Bush’s brand-new armed limosine that will shuttle him around during his term in office. Also on Thursday, Al Gore received a copy of the home game and a lifetime supply of Rice-A-Roni. Rice-A-Roni the San Francisco treat.
Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg signed her dissenting opinion “I dissent”, as opposed to the usual “I respectfully dissent”, causing many to speculate that she was intensely opposed to the majority opinion. Further speculation came when Ginsberg didn’t sign her name the way she usually does, with little hearts and smiley faces.
Tina Fey: This is the last Weekend Update of 2000. We’d like you to join us in bringing in the new year.
[ Chris Kattan comes out dressed as the New Year Baby ]
Tina Fey: Hey, New Year baby. Come up here, baby. Out goes 2000.
[ Jimmy and Tina change his diaper ]
Tina Fey: It’s 2001. Yea! Yea! Baby New Year!
Jimmy Fallon: Great.
A hearing was held in Illinois Monday to determine the fate of a six-year-old boy who was removed from his mother’s custody because she was still breastfeeding him. Officials first became suspicious when they noticed a line of boys in the school offering to trade lunches with him.
It was this week that Rick Lazio spent $39 million in his Senate fight against Hillary Clinton, the most money ever spent on a losing campaign until this week when the Texas Rangers spent a quarter of a billion dollars on Alex Rodriguez.
Fox has cancelled the John Goodman show “Normal Ohio” in which Goodman plays a gay man. This means the only gay shows on TV are still Will and Grace and the WNBA.
Tina Fey: Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight..
Jimmy Fallon: [ appears with a guitar ] No, no, no, no. There’s more time. We have more time.
Tina Fey: What are you talking about?
Jimmy Fallon: It’s Christmastime, everybody.
Tina Fey: Ah, oh. Well, in the spirit of Christmas, here’s our old friend Jimmy Fallon.
Jimmy Fallon: Thanks for letting me do this, Tina. It’s Christmastime everybody. It’s the best time of year. It’s also the time of year when you get really bad presents.
[ parodies Creed’s “With Arms Wide Open” ]
“Well I opened my gift today, to see which ones I can exchange,
So I call K-Mart and begin to say, ‘Tell the store I’m on my way.’
Are you still open? It’s just past midnight,
Wanted a TV dish, Not a singing fish,
Please be open.”
[ parodies David Grey’s “Babylon” ]
“Friday night the office threw a Christmas party, they invited me,
I started eating rum balls, it was the only food I had that night to eat,
Chugged egg nog, Xeroxed my ass, peed on the couch,
Kissed the boss’s wife, threw up on myself, and got thrown out.
Got my Christmas party on.”
[ jumps over the Update desk and peers into the cameras like Bono did on last week’s show ]
[ parodies U2’s “Beautiful Day” ]
“I put cookies out, hung stockings by the tree,
Left the front door open, cause I don’t have a chimney,
I can’t get to sleep,
Drank hot milk, need something stronger, to calm me down,
I can’t wait much longer,
In my anticipation,
I hope I get Playstation,
Give me Pokemon and other things,
Flood me with compact discs and diamond rings,
Santa’s on his way,
Here’s what I say,
And I love Tina Fey!
Toys are on it’s way!”
Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. That’s Jimmy Fallon. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.