Singles Cruise


Singles Cruise

Cruise Director…..Katie Holmes
Conner…..Chris Parnell
Lalani…..Maya Rudolph


[ open on a Singles Cruise ship as it departs – two passengers remain seated at the bar as the other passengers are leaving ]

Cruise Director: [ over loudspeaker next to the bar ] On behalf of the Crew of Krisma 2, we hope you had a wonderful time on this very special Mingle & Singles Cruise. Unfortunately, we do require that all passengers leave the bar at this time. [ walks away ]

Conner: [ sighs ] Looks like they’re casting us off the ship.

Lalani: Ya. Ya. I guess we’ve been voted off, huh? Well I certainly enjoyed the cruise.

Conner: Well, here’s to coming as singles and leaving as singles.

Lalani: Well, cheers to that. I’m Lalani, hi.

Conner: I’m Conner.

Lalani: Hi there. So, do you wear the hat all the time?

Conner: Uh, pretty much. Except when I sleep and when I shower.

Lalani: Ah. Is that right? Yeah, I remember seeing you at the disco.

Conner: Uh, yeah, I was there every night.

Lalani: Yeah! Yeah, you looked like you really love to dance.

Conner: Oh, it’s my steam-release valve. If I don’t dance, I got really violent. Do you like to dance?

Lalani: You know, I really do not.

Conner: Alright, that’s too bad.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make second announcement ] For those of who are still finishing your drinks on the outer deck, we’d like to once again ask you to take your belongings and disbark. From the crew of Krisma 2, we’d like to ask you to leave.

Conner: Uh, you don’t have to wait for us..

Cruise Director: Legally, we have to wait for every passenger to clear before we can leave. Giving you a heads-up. Have a nice one. [ exits ]

Lalani: Hey, where are you from? Do I detect a German accent?

Conner: I was born in Scotland.

Lalani: Wow! Isn’t that wonderful? Yeah, I’m part Scottish. But I guess you can tell with all of this red hair.

Conner: Redheads give me the creeps.

Lalani: I can see that. Sure, not for everybody.

Cruise Director: [ returns to make third announcement ] For the two people who are still on the boat, it is time for you to disbark! The crew is given only 45 minutes of shore leave, and some of us need to go home to take a home pregnancy test. [ exits ]

Lalani: Wow! It sounds like someone had a fun cruise, huh? [ laughs ] So, do you live in the area?

Conner: Oh, I live in Reno. How about you?

Lalani: Oh, I live in Boca Raton. Yeah. Boy, we do not live anywhere near each other, do we?

Conner: Looks that way! [ laughs ] And I will not fly, even if you paid me.

Lalani: Yeah. So, did you enjoy the cruise?

Conner: Ah, you know now, not too much. Most of my buddies were drowning in Tang all week, and, uh.. I kind of dreamed about meeting someone – you know, that juggy blonde who likes to get it on all night, you know?

Lalani: Yeah. Yeah, my girlfriend Leslie hooked up right away. She’s really fun.

Conner: I saw her! She’s beautiful!

Lalani: Yeah, she’s a neat girl.

Conner: Ohh.. she’s like a dream girl! I’d love to get my tongue down her throat!

Lalani: Sure.. sure.. absolutely.. why not?

Conner: So, what do you do?

Lalani: Oh, I run an animal rescue group called Sentient Creatures of Boca – it’s S.C.O.B., for short. And what do you do?

Conner: I’m a furrier.

Lalani: Well.. what are the odds of that? That is wild!

Cruise Director: [ returns to make fourth announcement ] Attention, all redheaded women and Scottish cowboys: if you do not exit this boat within the next three minutes, you will be removed by ship security! Thanks a lot! The cruise is now over, and we’re not obliged to be nice any more! Go away! [ exits ]

Lalani: You know there was, there was just one other thing I was gonna ask you, what was it? Oh, yeah – did you have the seafood buffet last night?

Conner: Yeah, as a matter of fact, I did! I was sick all night!

Lalani: Me, too! I was sick all night, too. I am still shaking!

Conner: Hey! [ moves one seat closer ] Did you have it coming out of both ends?

Lalani: Yes! Yeah! It was, like, “Which way do I sit?”

Conner: Yeah, right! I know! Well, I finally solved that by setting a wastebasket on the floor in front of the crapper!

Lalani: So did I! Oh, my goodness! This is funny!

Conner: You know.. I’ll bet we were on the toilet at the same time!

Lalani: Yeah! I bet we were! On the.. toilet..

[ they lean closer and kiss one another passionately ]

Cruise Director: [ leans in from behind the bar ] Goodbye! Goodbye! Get a room, not on the boat! Krisma 2 is not interested in playing! [ grabs a beverage nozzle ] Don’t make me use this!

[ Conner and Lalani finally agree to leave ]

Lalani: Uh.. my Miata is in the lot, so..

Conner: I guess this is.. goodbye..

Lalani: Oh.. yeah. Okay. And.. goodbye..

Conner: I mean, uh.. unless you want to have sex?

Lalani: Yeah.. you know, I’m not so sure about that.

Conner: I do.

Lalani: Okay. Then, let’s go!

Conner: Uh, alright. Uh.. I’m not circumsized.

Lalani: Uh, yeah.. of course you’re not..

[ they walk off together ]

SNL Transcripts

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey
Elton John…..Horatio Sanz
Eminem…..Chris Parnell


Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. And here are tonight’s top stories.

Bill Clinton’s brother Roger was arrested this week for drunk driving in California and then was thrown out of a restaurant after threatening the doorman. Despite all this, Roger Clinton is still the least embarrassing member of the family.

Before the Grammys this week, Madonna defended controversial rapper Eminem saying that she finds the things President Bush says much more offensive. The President immediately responded, “Yo Bitch, I’m gonna kill you and put you in the trunk of my car!”

Daimler-Chrysler announced this week that they will market a giant S.U.V. called Unimog in the United States. The Unimog is over nine feet high and 20 feet long. The $84,000 truck will most likely be bought by fire departments, constructions companies and men with very tiny penises.

Jimmy Fallon: And now with “Women’s News”, is our own Tina Fey.

Tina Fey: Thank you, Jimmy. Recent studies show that, increasingly, women prefer female gynecologists. Now, as a licensed midwife, which I am not, this issue is very important to me. I, myself, am thinking about switching to a female gynecologist because I think my male gynecologist might be lying to me about being a doctor. ‘Cause last week, I found out that he also works at Foot Locker, which, if he was a real doctor, I don’t think he would have to do that. But his bedside manner is so soothing.. and he gives me wine.. and he keeps his van really clean. I don’t know, I want to ask to see his license, but I don’t want to seem racist. Anyway, I’m not gonna fire him yet. I want to see how the pictures come out. Back to you, Jimmy.

Michael Skakel, a nephew of Robert Kennedy, was formally arraigned Wednesday in the 1975 murder of Martha Moxley. Reached for comment, the 40-year-old Kennedy cousin said, “I didn’t want to be involved in a sex ad death scandal but it was my turn.”

British Researchers at the University of Leicester are piping Duran Duran music into stalls at dairy farms to see if the stimulation makes the cows produce more milk. Reportedly, the cows have given more milk but unfortunately, it all had an expiration date of March 4, 1986.

Jennifer Lopez is now accepting booking for personal appearances at a cost of $750,000 dollars per hour. Or for $375,000, Jennifer will make a half-ass appearance.

Reuters reported this week that a jilted woman pestered her former lover with more than 1,000 phone calls a day for three years. In a related story, I won’t be ignored. Back to you Jimmy.

Gay and lesbian groups slammed Elton John’s appearance with Eminem at this weeks Grammys. In a statement they said, “We are shocked that Elton John would agree to perform in that suit! I mean it looks like contact paper from John Water’s kitchen! Hell-o?!”

Tina Fey: And, finally, for those of you who didn’t see Elton John and Eminem’s controversial duet at the Grammy’s Wednesday night, “Weekend Update” has obtained a clip.

[ clip plays ]

Elton John: [ singing ]“My tea’s gone cold I’m wondering why I..
got out of bed at all
The morning rain clouds up my window..
and I can’t see at all
And even if I could it’ll all be gray,
but your picture on my wall
It reminds me, that it’s not so bad,
it’s not so bad..”

Eminem: [ singing ]“I’m glad that I inspire you
but Stan, why are you so mad?
Try to understand, that I do want you as a fan
I just don’t want you to do some crazy stuff
I seen this one thing on the news a couple weeks ago that made me sick
Some dude was drunk and drove his car over a bridge
and had his girlfriend in the trunk,
and she was pregnant with his kid
and in the car they found a tape,
but they didn’t say who it was to
Come to think about, his name was.. it was you
Damn!”

[ Elton John steps out and hugs Eminem ]

Eminem: Thank you!

[ Eminem and Elton John engage in a passionate kiss ] [ back on the “Weekend Update” set ]

Jimmy Fallon: I don’t see what’s so controversial about that.

Tina Fey: I don’t know, I don’t see what the big deal is. You know what – roll the clip again.

[ clip returns to see Elton John on the floor being humped by Eminem ]

Jimmy Fallon: Oh, man! With “Weekend Update”, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow.

SNL Transcripts