Announcer: You’re watching Nickelodeon! Coming up: it’s a double dose of “Blues Clues” at 9! But right now, stay tuned for the new hit show, straight from Germany’s Kinder Funnan Network – it’s time for “Der Lachlen Beherrscht”, “The Smile Masters”!
Herr Gracken: Gud morgen!
Olaus: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!
[ cut to bizarre opening credits sequence ] [ open on Herr Gracken hammering a nail into a board ]
Olaus: [ subtitles: “Mr. Gracken! We have new American children watching.” ]
Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Then we will wound them with good cheer!” ] [ they approach the kids in the studio audience, in a studio surrounded by meat hanging on racks ]
Olaus: Gud morning, kinder! We think you have not known true happiness before this date! Shall we evacorate?
Herr Gracken: Olaus! Achtung! Achtung!
Olaus: Would any of you like a good treat?
Kid: I want some candy!
Olaus: Non! We have coffee and radishes!
[ Herr Dokter brings in coffee and radishes and yells at the kids ] [ Herr Gracken and Olaus introduce the Science Lesson, as a skeleton drops down and starts singing “I’m Inside of Every One of You!” ]
Herr Gracken: [ subtitles: “Next week we learn about teeth!” ]
Hulga: [ cracks whip at Herr Gracken ] Now we learn about isolation.
Together: Schnell! Schnell!
Hulga: [ before tray of three objects ] Which of these objects does not belong? A corkscrew.. an ear.. justice. [ points to kid in audience ] You! [ subtitle: “Answer correctly!” ]
Kid: [ scared ] Justice?
Hulga: [ subtitle: “It was the ear!” ]
Herr Gracken: [ pounds ear with his hammer ] Now you wear the Armor of Knowledge!
Blue Man: [ subtitle: I am sorry! So very, very sorry!” ]
Herr Dokter: It’s time to learn.. how to behave.. at funeraaaalllss!
[ Herr Gracken and Olaus wheel a coffin in front of the frightened kids, as the corpse rises and shakes his hands at the kids; they run out of the studio in fear ]
All: Schnell! Schnell! Schnell!!
Announcer: “The Smile Masters” has been cancelled. Nickelodeon will be settling out of court with the family of any child who saw this. Now, stay tuned for “Blue’s Clues”! Once again.. our bad..
Saturday Night Live Transcripts contains over 2,000 transcripts of SNL’s most popular sketches. Updated weekly with new transcripts, from the early days of the Not Ready For Prime Time Players to its current incarnation.
Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Featuring 3,907 transcripts from “Saturday Night Live”
Maria Escobal…..Maya Rudolph Drew Barrymore…..Katie Holmes Tom Green…..Jimmy Fallon Fireman…..Tracy Morgan
Announcer: We interrupt this program to bring you a special report. We bring you now to Maria Escobal in the Hollywood Hills.
Maria Escobal: You’re looking at live footage of the home of actress Drew Barrymore, which caught fire tonight sometime around 1 a.m. We knew her career was on fire, now so is her house! Barrymore is the flame-haired actress who is known for her hot roles in “Firestarter”, “Home Fries“, and “Charlie’s Angels”. [ picking up a message in her earpiece ] What’s that? Stop making puns. Sorry. Okay. Apparently, Barrymore and her comedian fiance, Tom Green, escaped from the house unharmed, thanks to Drew’s dog Flossie. [ looks to the side ] Drew! Drew! KXLA News. What happened tonight?
[ as Drew walks up, Tom stands behind her open-mouthed and wide-eyed ]
Drew Barrymore: It was so magical! I mean, I was sleeping, and I heard this incessant barking and hairy wet face all over my body, and.. I thought it was Tom. But it was Flossie trying to save us. [ pets Flossie ] Good boy, Flossie!
Maria Escobal: Tom Green! Tom Green! Do you have any comments?
Tom Green: I’m angry that our house is burnt! My house is burning! Stop! Stop the house! Stop the house, it’s burning! It’s burning!
Maria Escobal: Are you at all saddened over the loss of personal property you’ve experienced tonight?
Drew Barrymore: [ long pause ] No. Tom is such a source of stability and comfort for me. He’s really my home.
Tom Green: [ yelling into megaphone ] My bum is on fire! My bum is on fire! I am not a liar! My bum is on fire! [ Drew laughs; Tom grabs Maria’s microphone ] I’m a newslady! I say things about the news!
Maria Escobal: Give me that..
Tom Green: Tom Green, let’s talk to your nipples, see what he thinks about the fire! [ squeezes his nipple ] “Nipple, nipple, nipple, nipple! Nipple, nipple, nipple!”
Maria Escobal: [ retrieves her microphone ] Here’s on of the firemen. Sir, do you think you’ll be able to save the house?
Fireman: Hell, no! I mean, that’s gonna burn down to the ground! We’re just happy that we saved Drew and the animal.
Maria Escobal: And Tom Green?
Tom Green: [ in the Fireman’s face ] You’re a fireman! You put out fires! Fireman! Fire! [ licks Fireman’s face ]
Fireman: [ laughing ] This guy’s funny, man! This dude is hilarious! I sure want to get hot wit’choo!
Maria Escobal: So, Drew, Flossie the dog is the hero of the day.
Drew Barrymore: Flossie is so smart! I look into her eyes, and it’s, like, she’s trying to tell me something. What were you trying to tlel me, girl? [ bends down to pet Flossie ]
Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Drew.. you’ve got to drop this guy.. he’s a dud.. He makes David Arquette look like a genius..
Tom Green: [ sits on Flossie, pretending to hump her ] Doggie, Doggie, Doggie! Sorry, Doggie. Doggie, Doggie, Doggie!
Flossie’s Inner Thoughts: Oh, Go-o-od.. good Lord, even I know this guy’s a loser, and I’m afraid of the vacuum cleaner.
Maria Escobal: I guess we’ll never know what Flossie is thinking, even though we’re burning to find out! For KXLA News, this is Maria Escobal reporting.
Tom Green: [ spreading face into the camera ] Doggie! doggie! Doggie! Doggie..!
A Message From The Vice-President Of The United States
Vice-President Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
Vice-President Al Gore: Hi. I’m Al Gore. I’ve asked to speak withyou tonight, because we are a nation in crisis. A crisis more serious thananything we have faced in our entire history. In the election held lastTuesday, I, and my running-mate Joe Lieberman, received a clear majority ofthe popular vote. However, according to our Constitution, it is not thepopular vote, but that of the Electoral College which determines the winner.And I accept that, even though I won a majority of the vote. Now, many haveargued that this may be unfair, in as much as I, the winner of the popularvote, could still lose this election in the Electoral College. But that isour system. And until that system changes, perhaps in the next election, orretroactively, for this one, I will abide by it. Even though, as I said, Iwon a clear majority of the popular vote.
But I’m not here tonight to talk about the popular vote that I won – although Idid win it, I won a clear majority of it. My concern is with the state ofFlorida, and the outrageous voting irregularities which took place there.And it shows a clearly illegal ballot, used only in a heavily DemocraticPalm Beach county, particularly in African-American and elderly Jewishcommunities. [ grabs the ballot for show ] In the opinion of most independentobservers, this is the single most confusing, bewildering, incipherabledocument ever produced. To begin with, how do you know which side to vote on?[ holds it up on one side ] Is this right-side up? [ flips it over ]Or is this right-side up? The ballot dosn’t say. And what’s withall these confusing names? Bush. Gore. Buchanan. Nader. And confusingparty affiliations. Democrat. Republican. Reform. Here’s one called”Green”. And here’s more names. George. Patrick. Albert. John. John.There’s two different Johns.. I mean, who on earth could figure this out.But to really understand how confusing this ballot is, you have to take acloser look. Here it is. [ close-up is shown ] Now, for the love of God,what are all these dots? And these arrows? If you look closely, you willsee that tips of the arrow points to a dot.. but the shaftof the arrow points back to a name. So how do you vote? Do youcircle a candidate’s name? Do you underline it? Or do you write it on thearrow? Or underneath? Or maybe it’s the dots. Do you write the candidate’sname on the dots? They seem sort of small. Maybe just his initials. Ordo you color in the dots? If so, in what color? Maybe you scratch the dotswith the edge of a penny. Or lick the dots. Again, this ballot doesnot spell it out. I went to Harvard – I couldn’t make heads or tailsof this. [ puts ballot away ]
Just imagine what it was like for the most vulnerable residents of PalmBeach. [ holds up photo ] This is Esther Rosenthal. Esther Rosenthal isage 92, a Democrat all her life.. Esther left her nursing home Tuesdaymorning intending to vote for me! Totally bewildered by this ballot,she ended up voting for the Libertarian candidate, and switching herlong-distance service to Sprint. [ holds up next photo ] Okay.. Sidney andReesa Mandel, age 87 and 85, ate their ballot! [ holds up nextphoto ] While Rachel Goldensten, age 96, mailed hers to Barbra Streisand.
Now, once more, this ballot fiasco not only violated the rights of PalmBeach citizens, it may also have cost my ticket the state of Florida andgiven my opponent a majority in the Electoral College, even though themajority of the popular vote, for those of you just joining this program,went to me. So, how can this injustice be remedied? Clearly, the onlyone practical solution, as any fair-minded person would agree, is to havea revote among the African-American and elderly Jewish residents of PalmBeach county with a simple, clearly-readable ballots, printed in English,Hebrew and Ebonics. Let the people vote, and the chips fall where they may.Should I win the vote, even though it’s impossible to predict.. that’sfine. Should Governor Bush win – again, let’s just say – so be it. I’llaccept the judgment of the people of Florida and move on.. to challenge thevote totals in Tennessee.. Ohio.. Nevada.. Missouri.. New Hampshire.. NewMexico.. Arkansas.. and West Virginia. Also, Dick Cheney may nottechnically be a United States citizen. We’re looking into that.Thank you, and God bless you.
Anne Robinson….Rachel Dratch Dennis…..Will Ferrell Dale…..Chris Kattan Yvette…..Ana Gasteyer Carl…..Tracy Morgan Tamara…..Maya Rudolph Dan…..Horatio Sanz Dashiell…..Jerry Minor R.J……Jimmy Fallon Anne Robinsons father…..Pierce Brosnan
[ show contestants backstage before the show ]
Announcer: Here are the eight contestants who will take part in tonight’s show. One of them will walk away with up to $1 million. The rest will be voted off as “The Weakest Link”.
[ show title, then dissolve to the game set ]
Anne Robinson: Welcome to.. “The Weakest Link”. Let’s meet tonight’s team. Halfwits, you may now grunt for the camera.
Dennis: I’m Dennis. I’m from Tallahassee, Florida. I’m a telemarketer for Grit Magazine.
Dale: I’m Dale, from Columbus, Ohio, and I own a gym.
Yvette: I’m Yvette. I’m from Dallas, Texas, and I’m a part-time DJ.
Carl: My name is Carl. I’m from Brooklyn, New York, and I’m studying to get my Stepman’s license!
Tamara: Hi, my name is Tamara. I’m from Austin, Texas, and I’m an associate sales rep for Herbalife.
Dan: Hi. I’m Dan, from Ohio, and I sell tie-dye on the World Wide Web.
Dashiell: My name is Dashiell, I’m from San Antonio, Texas, and I’m a counselor at a Christian boot camp.
R.J.: I’m R.J. from Forth Worth, Texas, and I’m a baggage handler at the St. Louis bus terminal.
Anne Robinson: Contestants like you make me realize that mandatory sterilization programs aren’t such a bad idea. We’ll start with Peahead #1 – that’s you, Dennis., Let’s play “The Weakest Link”. Dennis, in television, Ernie, Chip, and Uncle Charlie were regular characters on what 1965 sitcom?
Dennis: “My Three Sons”.
Anne Robinson: Correct. And, congratulations. It seems sitting around in your underwear watching Nick-at-Nite has finally paid off. Dale, in literature, which 1851 epic novel begins with the words “Call Me Ishmael”?
Dale: “Moby Dick”.
Anne Robinson: Correct. I can tell you’re quite familiar with the word “dick”.
Dale: Why.. why would you say that?
Anne Robinson: Yvette. In science, physicist Edward Lamb founded which instant film and camera company.
Anne Robinson: Correct. And, Yvette, speaking of roids, I wish I could get rid of you with some Preparation H! Carl.. who is so fat that when she backs up, she goes, “Beep, beep, beep”?
Carl: I-I-I dont know.
Anne Robinson: Your momma! Tamara.. in quantum mechanics, you are an ugly, ugly woman who is going to die alone and unloved.
Tamara: That wasnt even a question!
Anne Robinson: Correct! No question about it.
Anne Robinson: Dan.. Fred Flintstone called. He wants his head back.
Dan: Come on, now.. come on..
Anne Robinson: Dashiell.. are you a moron in a cage?
Dashiell: Of course not.
Anne Robinson: Moron on the loose! Moron on the loose! R.J. In Physics, can you hear this? [ holds middle finger upside-down ]
Anne Robinson: Then, let me turn it up! [ holds middle finger up straight ]
R.J.: That is just childish.
Anne Robinson: Well.. that is how we play.. “The Weakest Link”!
Dan: Hey.. why are you so mean?
Anne Robinson: Silence, monkey!!
Dennis: Honestly. Why don’t you help us out here? Why are you such an unbelievable bitch?
Anne Robinson: I.. I never thought about it before.. [ thinks back ] [ flashback reveals one fateful day in Anne’s childhood ]
Anne Robinson’s Father: My beautiful children.. my angels.. we love you all so very much. But as you all know, times are very hard and we cant afford to keep you all. And Anne, since you answered the fewest number of trivia questions correctly, you are.. “The Weakest Link”! Goodbye!
Young Anne Robinson: Mom! Dad! Wait! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”!
[ zoom back to present day, Anne sweating ]
Anne Robinson: I’m not “The Weakest Link”! I’m not “The Weakest Link”! [ realizes the truth ] Well.. apparently, I’ve learned something tonight. It seems I have to make a date with a therapist. Goodbye!
[ TV Nippon logo appear; Japanese music starts playing ]
Female Announcer: You are watching TV Nippon.
Announcer: Minasama, minasama, goteyamakikku-sabano… Rabun to Shuri!
[ Super: Rabun To Shuri ] [ cut to opening sequence; Rabun and Shuri are skipping down a sidewalk ]
Rabun and Shuri: Ichi, ni, san, shi, go, roku, shichi, hachi, samieru, shumazu, Hantenbana Incorporated! [ giggles, then runs off ] [ cue music; show Rabun and Shuri doing various tasks: pulling a Biore strip off Rabun’s forehead; working at the Asahi bottling plant; dancing and running into each other ]
Lenny and Squiggy: [ throwing hands up and shrugging shoulders ] Wakarimasu! [ throws kisses at Rabun and Shuri ] [ Rabun and Shuri look at each other in amusement ] [ cut to TV Nippon logo, then a commercial: A little Japanese boy runs through a grocery store. Then show a cockroach crawling to the center of the screen.]
Ad Jingle: Tan-chin, tan-chin… koki pokko!
[ The cockroach magically turns into a pastry. Show product logo (a wacky duck) as Japanese boy runs off the screen ] [ back to Rabun To Shuri… Karumain enters room ]
Karumain: [ singing ] Onagi-to no Rags to Riches!
Rabun and Shuri: Karumain!
[ Karumain jumps off stairs stylishly, then takes a stuffed animal, Bobo Kitty-chan, and hands it to Shuri ]
[ everyone in the room is now bowing over and over at each other ] [ Lenny and Squiggy bow heads towards each other, bumping their heads together and stumbling back ] [ as everyone laughs at what happened, Karumain takes Shuri’s hand and pulls her over in his arms romantically ]
A Message From The Former President Of The United States
Former President Bill Clinton…..Darrell Hammond President George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
Announcer: And now, a message from the Former President of the United States.
[ open on Bill Clinton sitting in the Oval Office ]
Former President Bill Clinton: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight, I am coming to you as “Citizen” Bill Clinton. As you know, earlier today, George W. Bush was sworn into office, and now he is your President. For a majority of us, that’s a hard pill to swallow! But I’m not here to talk about that. I have other thoughts that I’d like to share. Incidentally, I was able to get in the Oval Office tonight because I know the guy at the door. And everyone else is out partying. I will admit, I’ve had a few drinks myself! [ shakes off his bourbon ] Now that I’m an ordinary citizen, I can do that! I don’t have to think about what’s responsible and right. I can finally kick back and have a good time! [ laughs ] Who am I kidding? That’s what I did when I was in here! I think I’m gonna enjoy being Citizen Bill Clinton. The Press can put their dirty microscope on George W. now. See how he likes it. Stick around, I bet you’ll find something. I’ll start you off: on October 29th, 1973, George W. Bush did three lines of cocaine and joined in an orgy in a public swimming pool in Houston. How do I know? I was there! See, I can say all that stuff now. Maybe saying goodbye won’t be so hard after all. In my farewell speech the other night, I talked about bringing down the debt, and, you know, about keeping free trade a priority, and I may have bragged a little about making this country a better place. But what I really wanted to say was, “Suck on it!” “Suck.. on.. it.” “Suck on it.” Maybe it’s the booze talking, but I’m pretty sure I took more crap from more people than any President in history, and yet I remain the most popular since Roosevelt, so y’all just suck on it!
President George W. Bush: [ enters Office, angry ] Hey! What are you doing here? I thought they flew you out of town?
Former President Bill Clinton: [ stands ] Hello, George. Shouldn’t you be out celebrating?
President George W. Bush: Oh, I was. I was boogying down to the Marshall Tucker Band, when someone saw you on TV and said, “Hey, look! There’s the President!” And I said, “Hey, guys, how’s it going?” And they were like, “No, you Turd-Head. The real President, on TV.” And I said, “But I am the real President.” Then everybody laughed, which really steamed me, so here I am. [ to the camera ] Hello, America. I’m your President. And, keep in mind, that’s for a whole year. [ to Clinton ] And you’d better not touch any of these boxes!
Former President Bill Clinton: Is this your stuff?
President George W. Bush: [ looking around ] Hold on a second.. I don’t see.. You didn’t take it..? Oh, there it is! [ reaches in box ] My talking fish! [ pulls out Billy Bass ] I thought you took it.
Former President Bill Clinton: No, no, I.. what is it?
President George W. Bush: It’s my Billy Big-Mouth Talking Bass. It talks, see? [ turns it on ]
Former President Bill Clinton: [ laughing ] I’ll be damned! Where’d you get that, that’s the funniest damn thing I ever saw!
President George W. Bush: A guy sold it to me for $1,000.
Former President Bill Clinton: Well, if you ever see another one, why don’t you let me know.
President George W. Bush: I doubt I’ll see another one. But, if I do, I’ll send it along.
Former President Bill Clinton: Okay. You know, George, you’re not half bad. If you keep your mouth shut, and your eyes closed, you’re gonna be alright. Uh.. could you just give me a second?
President George W. Bush: Yeah, sure. [ walks away ]
Former President Bill Clinton: Well, America, I had a lot more I wanted to say tonight. But I guess I’ll end it all by saying, for the last time, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”
Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond Bill Daley…..Chris Parnell Katherine Harris…..Ana Gasteyer
Chris Matthews: [Yelling] Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews, confusion about Election 2000 rages on,is the system broken, should we throw out the Constitution? Everything going to hell or what? Tonight we examinethe Mt. Olympus of political chicanery: Florida. Or as some call it God’s abandoned construction site.God started making Florida then just said “You know what? Screw it!” Joining us tonight the spokesman from theGore campaign Mr. Bill Daley.
Bill Daley: Hello Chris, can I just say that .
Chris Matthews: No you can’t. Also joining us tonight is the woman at the center of all this controversy,The Secretary of State in Florida, Katherine Harris.
Katherine Harris: [Smiles grotesquely] Hello Chris. Thanks for having me.
Chris Matthews: Mrs. Harris we’ll start with you. Many people have accused you of being a pawn of theRepublican Party. Excuse me one second – I’m gonna raise the volume of my voice. You were Governor Bush’sco-campaign chair in Florida. Seems to me you could be accused of political cronyism.
Katherine Harris: Chris, as I think everyone agrees, my political leanings are irrelevant.I’m merely doing my duty.
Chris Matthews: Yeah? Well the Florida Supreme Court has issued a gag order on you in effect saying,”Hey lady – shut that surgically altered trap of yours. Shut it, until these hand counts are completed.”Now I know these three counties are still hand counting, but I understand you actually have the results. Do youintend to announce the winner today or what?
Katherine Harris: Chris, I intend to obey that gag order. Do I know who has officially won the election?Yes. Am I going to announce it? No. Am I going to enjoy watching that Tennessee robot cry when he hears the results?Yes. Does that make me partisan? I don’t think so.
Chris Matthews: So you’re not going to tell us the results?
Katherine Harris: Chris, I am a public servant. I serve the people of Florida and will abide bytheir directives and guidelines..Bush won. [Giggles]
Chris Matthews: [Startled] Wha..wha..what? I’m sorry?
Katherine Harris: George Bush won! We won! I helped him win, and he’s the President! [Giggles]
Chris Matthews: So what am I hearing – you’re now violating the gag order?
Katherine Harris: Mm hmm! Screw the gag order! Right? Screw it! [Giggles] I’m making it official – Bush won![Giggles] And when he’s President he’s going to make me an ambassador. [Giggles] And not ambassador to somesad country, where everyone’s poor and sick all the time. I’m going to a good country where they have niceclothes and speak English.
Bill Daley: Can I say something here?
Chris Matthews: No you can’t. [Daley throws his hands up] Although I do admire your interrupting and yelling.[Daley gestures appreciatively] Now Mrs. Harris, aren’t you worried the Florida Supreme Court
Katherine Harris: The Florida Supreme Court can chomp on it, I’m gettin’ out of this backwater state.All I have to do now is practice smiling for my ambassador job. What do you think of this? [Smiles grotesquely]
Chris Matthews: [Winces] Good God! All right we’re out of time. Katherine Harris, Bill Daley, thank youfor joining us.
Bill Daley: I didn’t even get to say anything..I don’t…
Chris Matthews: Shut up! When we return I’m going to yell more on this story. I’m Chris Matthews.You’re watching Hardball.