Category: 2000

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Robin Williams…..Jimmy Fallon
Catherine Zeta-Jones…..Lucy Liu
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond

Alex Trebek: And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy. Because of what just happened before during the commercial, I’d like to apologize to all blind people and children. That said, let’s take a look at the scores. Robin Williams has set a Jeopardy record by buzzing in 2,000 times and never answering a question.

Robin Williams: Yes, Thank you, yes, Jeopardy, yes. [ Walks over to Trebek ] I heal you, my boy you are healed. We have found Tom Selic’s mustache, yes. It’s time to go over here and look at the scoreboard. What do we have here, oh Vana White. Can we turn the letters? She’s making a vowel movement. Yes. Oh, hi, I’m Robert Downy Jr. Robert Downy Jr. wants a recount, yes, and here’s a kid at home going [ whining ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you. Moving on. Catherine Zeta Jones has no score at all because she’s mostly been talking about her recent marriage.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Alex, I’d like to say hello to my new baby and wonderful husband. Michael, darling, if you’re watching, the diapers in the bedroom closet and the baby’s diapers are under the sink. I love you darling.

Alex Trebek: That’s beautiful. And finally, Sean Connery’s also here let’s move on to Double Jeopardy where the categories –

Sean Connery: Not so fast Trebek.

Alex Trebek: I really thought that was going to work.

Sean Connery: Well, you were wrong, you mountebank. I pose a conundrum to ya, I riddle if you will

Alex Trebek: I don’t want to hear it.

Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore. [ Laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Wonderful. Let’s take a look at the categories. They are: Potent Potables, Point to your own head, Letters or Numbers, Will this hurt if you put it in your mouth, An album cover, Make any noise, and finally, Famous Muppet Frogs. I should add that the answer to every question in that category is Kermit.

Robin Williams: Thank you, yes, Kermit. Yes it’s like Kermit and John Wayne goin, “It’s not easy being green, pilgrim.” It’s like Schwarzenegger,”Ya, I’m Kermit the frog, ya that’s me, Schwarzenegger Kermit.”

Sean Connery: Boy, you might be legally retarded.

Alex Trebek: He has a point. All right, Catherine Zeta Jones we’ll start with you.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take Giraffes for a billion.

Alex Trebek: Let’s just go with Letters or Numbers for 200. And the answer is “five.” Is five a letter or a number? The number five, is it a number? [ ring ] Mr. Williams.

Robin Williams: Oh, it’s a beautiful thing yes, right now there’s a guy at home goin [ motions a remote control w/ his hand ] what the hell’s goin on there, why don’t you change –

Alex Trebek: Thank you. Thank you. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, you already rang in.Robin Williams: Yes, it’s a beautiful thing, though. Monica Lewinsky’s at home goin’ [ screams ]

Alex Trebek: Thank you, thank you, anyone else. [ ring ] Mr. Williams, I hate you.

Robin Williams: But I love you! It’s like Jesse Helms and Michael Jackson going, “Yo quiero Taco Bell!”

Alex Trebek: You are a very sick man. Anyone besides Mr. Williams? [ beep ] Five is of course, a number. Catherine Zeta Jones, sadly, it’s still your board.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: I’ll take TV shows that did stories about my wedding for 300.

Alex Trebek: For the last time, that is not a category. Sean Connery, why don’t you pick?

Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I’ll take anal bum cover for 7,000.

Alex Trebek: That’s An album cover, not anal bum cover.

Sean Connery: I can read, Trebek. That says Anal bum cover. I’ve spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover, failing to do so is my greatest regret.

Alex Trebek: You have lead a horrifying life. The category is An album cover and the answer is: The Beatles White album is this color. [ ring ] Catherine Zeta Jones.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: Who are the Beatles?

Alex Trebek: I’m sorry, that’s wrong.

Catherine Zeta-Jones: No, I’m asking you, who are the Beatles, I’ve never heard of them. [ ring ]

Robin Williams: Oh, the Beatles, oh yes, what if they were the Volkswagon Beatles? Then they’d be in the back going, “I wanna hold your farfigneugent”

Alex Trebek: For the love of God, shut your mouth. I’ll tell you what, let’s just go to final Jeopardy. And the category is, you know what? You guys just decide. You each ask your own question and answer it. There’s no way you can get this wrong, because you’re asking the question. Ask yourself anything at all and then answer it. You’d have to be the dumbest people in the world to mess this up; and now let’s see how you managed to mess it up. Robin Williams wrote: Nothing. Because he stuck his pen through his own hand.

Robin Williams: Yes, you know what it’s like, suddenly it’s like a Shakespearean actor who’s gay going, “Tell us for york I” [ Trebek grabs pen and sticks it deeper into Williams’ hand ]

Alex Trebek: Don’t ever come here again. Catherine Zeta Jones, asked herself this question: What sound does a doggy make? Fine. And you answered: [ Blank ] You didn’t know the answer? You couldn’t answer your own question?

Catherine Zeta-Jones: It was hard.

Alex Trebek: Unbelievable. And finally, Sean Connery asked himself: [ Show half a picture of a horse having sex w/ Trebek ] Ok, I, I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here, [ Looks over podium ] Yeah, yeah, that’s a horse having sex with me. Ok. That’s beautiful.

Sean Connery: Come on, you pansy, let the people see my work.

Alex Trebek: No, we’re not going to do that. Ok, I quit, again. Good night.

Thanks to HeRzDogG for this trancript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 16

00p: Alec Baldwin / Coldplay

Red Ships of Spain

Robert Goulet…..Will Ferrell
Wes Goulet…..Chris Parnell
Ken Goulet…..Alec Baldwin
Sheila Goulet…..Ana Gasteyer

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of spain.”

Announcer: The voice is back.

Robert Goulet: “Red Ships of Spain
Will our love ever be the same?”

Announcer: Robert Goulet is Captain Ferdinand Pancho in “Red Ships of Spain”.

Robert Goulet: “Hoist the main sail and scuttle the jib
We won’t come home a fortnight
for reasons undetermined.”

Announcer: Yes, the majesty of Robert Goulet. The man “Time” magazine once mentioned. But that’s not all. Because, for the first time ever, Sir Robert Goulet is joined by his brother Wes Goulet as First Mate Sebastian El Corazon.

Wes Goulet: Ahoy, Matey!

Robert Goulet: Ahoy!

Announcer: Robert and Wes Goulet on stage together at last. It doesn’t get any better than this. Or does it? Because, for the next two weeks, older brother Ken Goulet will join his brothers as Tiagra, the pirate and spice trader.

Goulet Brothers: “Red Ships of Spain
Red Ships of Spa-ai-ai-ai-ai-ain.”

Announcer: Sandra Pelton of the San Francisco Chronicle writes: “I don’t think that this legally qualifies as theatre.”

Gil Jacobs of “The New York Times” says: “An absolutely horribleshow. It was opening night and two of the Goulet brothers were alreadyusing understudies.”

Diane Carbinal, “Cincinnati Dispatch”, writes: “It’s the mostupsetting experience I’ve ever had in a theater. The only time theaudience applauded was when I whipped a battery at the actors.”

Goulet Brothers: “And then we’ll return to Majorca.”

Announcer: With plenty of laughs for the entire family.

Robert Goulet: Where is my hat?

Ken Goulet: Is this the hat you were looking for? [ they laugh ]

Robert Goulet: Oh, Pirate!

Announcer: And plenty of adventure.

Robert Goulet: “Oh, there’s trouble a-brewin'”

Wes Goulet: “Adventure is stewin’.”

Robert Goulet: “This line has yet to be written.”

Ken Goulet: [ out of beat ] “Hoist the main sails and lash down the jib
Puncture the bullwarks and svuttle the crow’s nest.”

Robert Goulet: “Check the compass and oil the main engine.”

Wes Goulet: “Pay the dock fee and the weather radio.”

Goulet Brothers: “Before we get on the airplane.”

Announcer: And of course, a little bit of romance, with Robert Goulet’s daughter Shiela Goulet as the sexy Princess Consuela.

Sheila Goulet: Oh, Captain, I hunger for your loins like an old spanish castle.

Robert Goulet: “My dear love, I’m right here for you.
I battle the pirates and I’m here to feel
your gentle kisses in my chest hairs.”

[ moves to kiss her as she fends him off ]

Wait! Wait! [ breaking out of character ] I’ve had enough of gold and trinkets and jugs of wine!

Ken Goulet: What? Sergeant, you’ve gone crazy!

Robert Goulet: It’s Captain, Ken! And maybe you would know that if you’d memorized your lines instead of drinking straight Kahlua in the theater bathroom! You’re a drunk!

Wes Goulet: Easy, Robert. He never had the gifts you had.

Ken Goulet: Damn you, Robert! I should never have saved you from drowning all those years ago!

Robert Goulet: You’re a loser, Ken! That’s why I –

Ken Goulet: Oh! That was long overdue!

Robert Goulet: That’s it! Show’s over!

Wes Goulet: Bobby!

Announcer: Yes, it’s “Red Ships of Spain”. Book and score by an author who, due to an ongoing legal battle with Goulet Enterprises, will not be named in this advertisement.

Yes, “Red Ships of Spain”, the hot new musical at the Nedderland Theater.

Tony Dunchy from “THe Houston Dispatch” writes: “I really don’t think it occurred to Mister Goulet that he was playing a romantic sceneopposite his daughter.”

James Gund of “American Theater Magazine” writes: “True story: Ifell asleep during the production, and when I woke up was so convincedthat I was still dreaming, I got up onstage and walked around. The oddthing is the show is such an ugly mess that no one seemed to notice orcare.”

So go see it.

“Red Ships of Spain”.

Tickets start at $90, so see it today.

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 2

00b: Kate Hudson / Radiohead

Girls Gone Wild!

Daughter…..Kate Hudson
Dad…..Will Ferrell
Mom…..Molly Shannon

Daughter: Hey, what are you watching?

Dad: An E! Celebrity Profile on Drew Carey.

Mom: It’s very good. Now, he’s from Cleveland – I didn’t know that.Sit down, honey, it’s a very good show.

Dad: It’s so good to have you home from college!

Daughter: I know, I miss hanging out with you guys!

Dad: We miss hanging out with you, kiddo!

[ cut to commercial on television ]

Television Announcer : Warning! The following commercial is foradults only! “Girls Gone Wild” just got wilder! “Girls Gone Wild” onSpring Break! Our cameras captured real girls, college co-eds, sororitygirls – unbuttoned and uncensored! [ Daughter is shown exposing herselfto the cameras in the commercial ] Actual videos of girls who go to SpringBreak, break the rules and hang out! Order today!

[ cut back to the shocked family ]

Mom: [ upset ] I cannot believe this!

Dad: My little girl.. why?

Daughter: It.. it wasn’t me..

Daughter: Come on, Shelley – we know it was you!

Mom: I know.. I’m sorry..

Dad: What happened?

Daughter: I don’t know, it was Spring Break, I got carried away..

Dad: I’ll say.

Daughter: I mean, if I let you guys down, I’m really sorry.

Mom: [ thinking ] Well.. we all make mistakes..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: Yeah, hopefully no one saw it. [ answers phone ] Hello. Yes,Grandma, we saw it, too. No.. no, it’s not her – but it looks likeher. No. Alright, Grandma, talk to you later. [ hangs up ] Perfect. I justlied to Grandma.

Daughter: I’m sorry, guys..

Mom: Well, we’re disappointed.. but it is just a little mistake, so..

Dad: Well, let’s just forget it, and watch “Walker, Texas Ranger”..

[ cut to “48 Hours” on the television ]

Television Announcer: Tomorrow night on “48 Hours”: what parentsdon’t know about Spring Break. [ more wild footage of Daughter onSpring Break is shown, complete with guy licking whipped cream off herchest ] Shocking videos that show you just how wild things get.

[ cut back to upset family ]

Dad: Sonofabitch! I can’t believe this!

Mom: [ more upset ] Shelley!

Daughter: Oh, my God! I mean, it was just that once! Thatweekend in South Padre Island!

Dad: [ answers ringing phone ] Yeah? Yeah, Grandma, we saw it.Yes, it’s her. Hold on, that’s the other line. [ picks up other line ]Hello? Yes, Nana – it’s your other grandma – yes, we saw it. I’llcal you back.

Mom: Okay, this is horrible!

Dad: We did not send you to college for that! You can pay forcollege yourself with the money you made from that tape.

Daughter: I didn’t get any money from that tape..

Dad: Well, good going, Einstein! Someone else gets rich off of youshowing your coconuts!

Daughter: I’m sorry.. I messed up.

Mom: Well.. let’s just it go, Malcolm. She made a little mistake.

Dad: I can’t believe this.. I’ll be the laughingstock at thecourthouse.

Daughter: Oh, Dad, it’s not your mistake. And as long as youdon’t tell anyone, they’ll never know.

Dad: [ mulling it over ] ..I.. guess you’re right

[ cut to television airing “COPS” – drunken Daughter being arrested andtelling all ]

Daughter on Television: My father is Malcolm Bills! He works inthe county courthouse..

[ cut to the family ]

Dad: Wonderful. You said my name. Everyone at work will know.

Daughter: [ mad at herself ] Oh, I forgot about that!

Television Announcer: “Girls Gone Wild” just got even wilder!Introducing the new “Girls Gone Wild at Mardi Gras”.

Dad: Thank God you didn’t go with us to Mardi Gras last year.. [ eyeswiden ] Oh, my God, no!

[ cut to television – Mom shown exposing herself at Mardi Gras ]

Television Announcer: It’s not just college girls who get into the actat Mardi Gras..!

[ cut back to the family ]

Dad: Honey?

Mom: It was the Mardi Gras, and they were giving out the beads..

[ phone rings ]

Dad: You know what? Let’s just let the machine get that, okay?

[ scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

The Presidential Couple

Written by: Dennis McNicholas

Tom Brokaw…….Chris Parnell
Al Gore…….Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…….Will Ferrell

Tom Brokaw: Good evening America! I’m Tom Brokaw. Another stunning turn of events in the race for the White House. We’ve just learned that Governor Bush and Vice President Al Gore are about to make a joint statement. Is this incredible saga nearing an end? We take you live to Washington.

(Fades to Gore and Bush)

Al Gore: Good evening America. I am Vice President Al Gore.

George W. Bush: And I am the governor of Texas, George W. Bush.

Al Gore: As you know, this election has been the closest in history and the result is still in dispute.

George W. Bush: That’s right, it’s in dispute because some people.. (leans head towards Gore) ..don’t know when they got beat. Look at Florida. I got 2,910,198 votes, and he got a measly 2,909,871. That is an old-school ass-whooping! (laughs) Eat it, Gore!

Al Gore: (chuckles) It’s also in dispute because some people in this race cannot accept losing a popularity contest. If you’ll check the national popular vote, you’ll see that I, Al Gore, have been proven to be, ifso facto, the most popular man in America. Heck, I’m this close to having teenage girls throw their panties at me!

George W. Bush: But listen, we may have our differences, but I don’t want to be dividers. We want to be unificators.

Al Gore: So, a solution has been found that’s both fair and consistent with the will of the American people.

Together: We’re both gonna be President!

Al Gore: Heck, y’all didn’t know who you wanted anyway!

George W. Bush: It’s true. It’s gonna be great. Hey C.J.! Roll that tape!

(Images on screen of voters and punch cards)

Announcer V/O: On November, 7th George W. Bush and Al Gore ran for President. But there was no clear winner. So they decided to govern together. But can these two men share the White House without driving each other crazy?

(Image on screen of both at Oval Office desk, caption reads “The Presidential Couple”, music: Theme from “The Odd Couple.” Starring Al Gore and George W. Bush. Goes back to Al Gore and George W. Bush laughing.)

George W. Bush: Man that was cool! Just think of the hilarious possibilities of having two presidents who hate each other’s guts!

Al Gore: For example, I might be having a crucial summit meeting to discuss foreign policy in China…

George W. Bush: And then I’ll leave my laundry lying around in humorous piles!

(The two laugh again)

Al Gore: Did you know that really gets my goat?

(More laughing)

Al Gore: (suddenly very somber face) Now, what happens…what happens if we come to a complete standstill on an issue facing the nation?

George W. Bush: Like, what if Al wants to appoint a pro-choice justice to the Supreme Court, and I want to appoint the Texas Rangers?

Al Gore: Well, don’t worry, America.. don’t worry, America. George W. came up with a fair and impartial system by which we can arbitrate any conceivable dispute.

George W. Bush: It’s called Rock, Paper, Scissors. I learned it in college. (Smirks)

Al Gore: Let’s show the American people how it works, George. Ok. One, two three.

(Al has paper, George W. has rock.)

George W. Bush: Hah! I beat you!

Al Gore: I disagree George. As you can see, I’ve got paper. Paper beats rock.

George W. Bush: What?

Al Gore: Paper beats rock!

George W. Bush: I got a rock! How does paper beat rock? Face it, nerd boy, you lost indisputably. I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: No, I’m wrapping it up.

George W. Bush: Unbelievable!

Al Gore: Well there’s no need to get snippy!

George W. Bush: My brother Jeb told me I get to wrap this up.

Al Gore: Your younger brother is not the ultimate authority on this!

George W. Bush: Oh, really? “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!“

Thanks to Elizabeth Cross for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 26: Episode 1

00a: Rob Lowe / Eminem

First Presidential Debate

Jim Lehrer…..Chris Parnell
Al Gore…..Darrell Hammond
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell

Announcer: Live, from the Clark Athletic Center at the University of Massachusetts, the first Presidential Debate. Here is moderator, Jim Lehrer.

Jim Lehrer: Good evening. I’m Jim Lehrer. Welcome to this, the first of three debates between Texas Governor George W. Bush and Vice-President Al Gore. Now, let’s meet the candidates. [ Gore and Bush step out, shake hands, then stand behind their respective podiums ] Before we begin, I have been asked by the Bush campaign to announce that, for the next three hours only, viewers in the states of Michigan, Missouri and Pennsylvania have the option of free Pay-Per-View, courtesy of the Republican National Committee. On Channel 62, “The Perfect Storm”, with George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, the film Mike Clark of USA Today called “The perfect movie”. On Channel 63, the grandeur beauty and savagery of ancient Rome came to life in “Gladiator” with Russell Crowe. [ Al Gore sighs ] “Gladiator. A hero will rise.” Care for something just a bit naughty? On Channel 64, ten Penthouse Pets join forces with ten Playboy Playmates to find the perfect Hustler centerfold, in “Miss Killer Body 2000”. Contains nudity. [ George W. Bush nods his approval ] With that out of the way, let’s begin the debate. Mr. Vice-President, during this campaign, you have frequently called the Bush tax plan a “risky scheme”. Why?

Al Gore: [ speaking slowly and in broken syllables ] Well, Jim..Governor Bush and I have two ve-ry diff-er-ent plans to of-fer tax re-lief to American families. In his plan, the wealthiest 1% of Americans would receive nearly fif-ty per-cent of the ben-e-fits. My plan, Jim, is diff-er-ent. Rather than squand-er the su-plus on a risky tax cut for the wealth-y, I would put it in what I call a.. “lock-box.”

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, your response?

George W. Bush: I don’t know what that was all about.. but I’ll tell you this: “Don’t Mess With Texas!”

Al Gore: I didn’t mess with Texas!

Jim Lehrer:Governor Bush, I listened very carefully to the Vice-President’s remarks, and I honestly do not believe he messed with Texas. Now, Governor Bush..

Al Gore: [ interrupting ] Jim. May I ust say that in myplan, the “lock-box” would be used only for Social Security and Medicare. It would have two different locks. Now, one of the keys to the “lockbox” would be kept by the President; the other key would be sealed in a small, metal container and placed under the bumper of the Senate Majority Leader’s car.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, the next question is for you. Two weeks ago, at a meeting of the Economic Club in Detroit, you said the following: “More seldom than not, the movies gives us exquisite sex and wholesome violence, that underscores our values. Every two child did. I will.” What did you mean by that?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Perhaps if you could see it on a monitor?

[ the exact phrase appears on the monitor for Bush to read ]

George W. Bush: [ reads monitor ] Pass.

Jim Lehrer: Really? No idea what that could mean?

George W. Bush: Could be.. education?

Al Gore: Jim? I believe what my opponent in-tend-ed to say, wasthat all too often the ex-plic-it sex and whole-sale violence in filmsundermines our values.

George W. Bush: [ snaps finger ] Bingo! That was it! That was it!

Al Gore: I happen to agree with Governor Bush on that, and I commend him for it. But let me add something in my plan. The “lock-box” would also be camoflauged. Now, to all outward appearances, it would be a Leatherbound edition of Count of Monte Cristo, by Alexandre Dumas. But it wouldn’t be. It would be the “lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush, this question is for you, and it concerns foreign policy. Last week, in Serbian elections we saw the apparent defeat of President Slobodan Milosevic by challenger Vojislav Kostunica. Yet, Milosevic refused to step aside. As President, would you apply pressure on Milosevic, and openly aid Kostunica and his Novia Serbskaya party? Or, by working with neighbors, such as Karadon Ragonovic of Croatia, Istivan Kajnoinsy of Hungary, or Anton Paslagaros of Greece?

George W. Bush: [ clears throat ] Well.. first of all, I think that any instability in that first country that you mentioned, is troubling.. and clearly the second guy who you spoke of, he beat the first guy. Now, personally, I favor seeking the diplomatic help of the person I’m gonna call “Guy #3”. But I’m not going to pronounce any of their names tonight, because I don’t believe that’s in our national interest.

Jim Lehrer: Vice-President Gore?

Al Gore: Jim, let me here tonight issue a warning to the enemies, or potential enemeies, of the United States: you may think you know the location of the “lock-box”. Maybe you do. Or maybe that’s a decoy. Or a dummy “lock-box”. Only the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, myself and Tipper are gonna know for sure.

Jim Lehrer: Which beings us to our final question. Governor Bush, both you and the Vice-President have offered plans to provide prescription drugs for the elderly. What makes your plan superior?

Al Gore: Jim, I’d like to interrupt here and answer that question as if it were my turn to speak. Jim, let me tell about a friend of mine. [ holds up a picture of an elderly woman ] Her name is Etta Munsen. She’s 94, she’s a widow living on Social Security in Sparta, Tennessee. Etta was born with only one kidney. She also suffers from poilo, spinal menengitis, lung, liver, and pancreatic cancer, an enlarged heart, diabetes, and a rare form of styctic acne. Now, several recent strokes, along with an unfortunate shark attack, have left her paralyzed and missing her right leg under the knee. Just last week she woke from a coma to find that, due to a hospital mix-up, her left arm had been amputated, infected with syphillis, and then reattached.

Jim Lehrer: Mr. Vice-President, we are short of time..

Al Gore: As you can imagine, Jim.. Etta’s prescription drug bills are staggering. They run to nearly $113 million a day! And she tells me that some weeks she has to choose between eating and treating her Lyme Disease. Now, under my plan, Etta’s prescription drugs would be covered. Under my opponent’s plan, her house would be burned to the ground. And that is wrong. That is just wrong!

Jim Lehrer: Governor Bush? Response?

George W. Bush: I believe that some of those figures may be in-ock-urate.

Al Gore: Jim, what you just heard from my opponent is an attack on my integrity and my character. And I will not reply in kind. Instead, I will take those remarks and tuck them away, away in a tiny “lock-box”, where all bad thoughts go.

Jim Lehrer: Well, that brings us to the close of tonight’s debate. Each candidate will now give a brief closing statement.

Al Gore: Jim, may I make two closing statements?

Jim Lehrer: I’m afraid not. In fact, we are almost out of time, so I will instead ask each candidate to sum up, in a single word, the best argument for his candidacy. Governor Bush?

George W. Bush: Strategery.

Jim Lehrer: [ stunned ] Vice-President Gore.

Al Gore: “Lock-box”.

Jim Lehrer: This concludes the first debate. Thank you, and “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Behind The Music: Rock And Roll Heaven

Jim Morrison…..Val Kilmer
Jesus…..Will Ferrell
Fan #1…..Chris Kattan
Fan #2…..Rachel Dratch
Jimi Hendrix…..Jimmy Minor
Janis Joplin…..Molly Shannon
Buddy Holly…..Jimmy Fallon
Louis Armostrong…..Tracy Morgan
Keith Moon…..Horatio Sanz
Amelia Earhart…..Ana Gasteyer

Announcer: There’s an old saying in music, and it goes like this: “If there’s a rock and roll heaven, you know they’ve gotta have a hell of a band.” Well, tonight, we’ll explore this phenomenon, as we go up through the clouds, onto the stages, and behind the music of Rock and Roll Heaven.

Heaven. And every day, thousands of young hopefuls arrive by bus accidents, or other means, all vying for one thing – to make it big. But for the recently dead Jim Morrison, Heaven was proving to be anything but.

Jim Morrison: When I first got here, I was, like, “Whoa, it’s like ‘Candid Camera’, man. I thought for sure I was going to Hell – one of God’s little tricks. Anyway, I was thinking about some sort of revenge, so I decided to start a supergroup.

Narrator: And Morrison chose his super group wisely. On leads guitar, Jimi Hendrix; harmony vocals, Janis Joplin; on drums, the legendary Keith Moon; Morrison recruited the great Buddy Holly on rhythm guitar; and, finally, a Wild Card – Louis Armstrong on trumpet. They were to be the greatest band of all time, and they called themselves The Great Frog Society.

[ show “Exclusive Rehearsal Footage” of The Great Frog Society ]Jim Morrison: [ singing ]“And now, I’ve broke on through
Well, I’ve still got a question for you:
Now we’re on the other side
What do we do, now that we’ve died?
Not this side, the other side
Not this side, the adjacent side
Yeah!”

[ Louis Armstrong steps forward for his trumpet solo ]

Narrator: Luckily for the band, in the audience, at one of their earlier performances, was record producer, and Son of God, Jesus.

Jesus: When I first heard The Great Frog Society, I was, like, “Oh.. my.. Dad!” I signed them immediately!

Narrator: Their first release, “Mourn The Great Frog Society”, was an immediate success. And, from the start, the band was the talk of Heaven.

Fan #1: The Great Frog Society is the best band ever!

Fan #2: Oh, my God! They’re the best! The best ever!

Narrator: But offstage things were falling apart..

Announcer: [ over SUPER ] “But offstage things were falling apart,” is a registered trademark of VH1 and “Behind the Music.”

[ show beginning downfall of the band ]

Narrator: The immense success of the band led to in-fighting, and a clash of egos.

Jimi Hendrix: I gotta tell you, man.. your vibes are really bumming me out.

Jim Morrison: No, man. I’m The Great Frog Society guy, man. I can do anything.

Jimi Hendrix: Now, see? That’s what I’m talking about, man!

Janis Joplin: Man, we’re here for the music, you know?

Buddy Holly: Well, I’ll tell you this much.. if this doesn’t get any better, than I qui-i-i-it!

Louis Armstrong: Hey, everybody? Why all the fussing and fighting? Every time I get mad, I just sing a song! Wop-bop-a-lu-bop..!

Keith Moon: [ bangs drums ] That’s it! I quit! [ runs out of studio ]

Narrator: Adding to the mounting pressure was the band’s increasing frustration with Morrison’s new girlfriend, famed aviatrix, Amelia Earheart.

Jim Morrison: Hey, guys. This is my gal, Amelia. Sing your song – she wrote it, it’s great. Listen.

[ other band members groan ]

Amelia Earhart: [ singing ]“Hey, Guy, don’t you know you have my heart?
Lucky guy, you’re my forever guy
Okay guy!”

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful.

Janis Joplin: I’m outta here.

Louis Armstrong: That’s awful!

[ they all leave in disgust ]

Narrator: But the worst news was yet to come, when, on January 28th, 1982, Jim Morrison received a phone call informing him that his bandmate and longtime friend Buddy Holly had been reincarnated as a sheep.

Jim Morrison: When we lost Buddy, man, I just.. is it recording? No music, man.. No Doors.. [ close-up ] I think I’m having a nervous breakdown..

Narrator: Dubbed “The Day The Music Was Reincarnated”, it proved to be a death knell for the band. It was the end of The Great Frog Society. And, for the next few years, the band members went their separate ways. Jim Morrison was reincarnated as this little girl; Jimi Hendrix became a businessman; Janis Joplin came back as a sumo wrestler; and Louis Armstrong became a tree stump. But The Great Frog Society are nothing, if not survivors. And we end tonight’s “Behind The Music” with exclusive footage of the surviving members’ reunion, as they perform The Doors’ classic “The End”. For The Great Frog Society, it’s most definitely the beginning.

[ as credits roll, show Little Girl and other reincarnated band members singing “The End” ]

Little Girl: “This is the end, my only friend, the end
Of our elaborate plans, the end
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother.. I want to.. auggghhhh!!!“

[ fade to black ]

SNL Transcripts

Centaur Job Interview

Boss…..Christopher Walken
Applicant…..Chris Kattan
Centaur…..Chris Parnell

[ open at the end of a job interview at Mercy General Hospital ]

Boss: I’m sorry, Dr. Wallace.. but I’m afraid we’re looking for someone with a little more experience to fill our Chief Resident position.

Applicant: I understand. So, did I get the job?

Boss: No. you didn’t.

Applicant: [ relieved ] Thank you! You won’t regret this! I’ll see you Monday morning!

Boss: You didn’t get the job. [ Applicant exits, as he speaks into his intercom ] Debbie.. please send in the next applicant.

[ Centaur enters ]

You must be Dr. Lemmon. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. You’ve come highly recommended.

Centaur: Well, a couple of those recommendations came from Yale men, so I hope you won’t hold that against me.

Boss: [ laughs ] Well.. as you know, we’re becoming a teaching hospital. Sit, please. [ he does, but the Centaur remains standing ] Our new Chief Resident will help lead that transition.

Centaur: Uh, well.. at Johns-Hopkins, I actually shared the faculty committee that oversaw coordination between the school and the hospital.

Boss: As I said, your qualifications are most impressive.

Centaur: Thank you.

Boss: Now.. would you mind if I asked you a few questions about being a Centaur?

Centaur: Please. Go ahead. Believe me, I’ve heard them all?

Boss: Can I ride you?

Centaur: [ chuckles ] Only if I can ride you!

Boss: [ chuckles back ] Fair enough. Moving on.. could you enter yourself in the Kentucky Derby?

Centaur: Hmm.. I don’t know..

Boss: If you did.. would you have to have a little horse riding on you, like instead of a jockey?

Centaur: I.. I see what you’re saying.. but, again, I don’t know.

Boss: Because, it seems like you already have a jockey with the person part of you.

Centaur: Right.. uh, are we going to discuss my medical qualifications..?

Boss: The rest of the interview will be Centaur questions. Do you have sex with horses, or with human women?

Centaur: Uh.. neither. I’m really only attracted to other Centaurs.

Boss: Okay. What if were a horse with a mask of a woman on it?

Centaur: No. I mean, would you have sex with a monkey if it had a mask on?

Boss: This interview is not about me. What if you saw a horse, but it was standing so that its head was in a barn, or something. Would you, maybe, be attracted to that horse’s rear end?

Centaur: Uh.. I don’t.. where is the head, exactly?

Boss: It’s in the barn.. or behind a door, or a vase, or something.. so you can’t see it.

Centaur: Uh.. I might be attracted to it – briefly.

Boss: Okay. So, let’s say, hypothetically, that you could have sex with the back end.. and it’s guranteed to be the greatest sex you ever had.. but you’d never know if it was as horse or as Centaur?

Centaur: Hmm.. you know, that’s pretty intriguing.. uh.. if I’d really never know, I guess I would.

Boss: It was a horse.

Centaur: Oh, come on!

Boss: It was a horse. Deal with it. Now.. could you make the back half of you into glue, and then could the person part of you use that glue to repair a bird feeder?

Centaur: Yes.

Boss: Do you dump wherever you’re standing, or do you use toilets? Or, do you use some magical Centaur toilet?

Centaur: We use regular bathrooms.

Boss: Do you use special Centaur toilet paper?

Centaur: Nope. We use nortmal toilet paper.

Boss: How do you reach back there.. to wipe yourself?

Centaur: Uh.. there is a device we use, it’s called an Aubesian – it’s a stainless steel telescoping rod, with gripper claws, and a sort of toggle line that allows you to move the paper back and forth.

Boss: So.. there’s a company that manufactures Centaur asswipers?

Centaur: Aubesians, yes. Um.. there’s a store that’s a sort of crate-and-barrel for Centaurs, called Aubesians & Such.. there’s one on 57th Street.

Boss: I’ve seen that establishment. You eat steak.. is that some kind of cannibalism?

Centaur: I’m sorry, could we return to a line of questioning related to my medical qualifications?

Boss: Absolutely. Let me just find the right paperwork.. [ looks through his notes ] Um.. here we go.. Is there Centaur pornography?

Centaur: That is not a medical question!

Boss: Do you want this job?

Centaur: [ sighs ] Yes, there is Centaur porn.

Boss: If I were to watch Centaur porn.. but with the bottom of the screen blocked out with a piece of cardboard.. would I find the human halves of the female actresses appealing?

Centaur: Well.. maybe.. But you’ve got to remember that, at some point, there’s gonna be a horse penis in there.

Boss: Fair enough. I think that’s all the Centaur questions I have. I want to thank you for coming in, we’ll be in touch.

Centaur: I appreciate it. Um.. can I just ask you: did I get the job?

Boss: No. I’m sorry.. we don’t hire dirty Centaurs.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts