Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

Donald Rumsfield…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Rachel Dratch
Reporter #4…..Will Ferrell
Reporter #5…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #6…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #7…..Dean Edwards

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I’ve done many times before, it’s only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I’ll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period?

Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I’m not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #2: We’re getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won’t be able to see our troops, but we’ll be able to see them. Is that fair?

Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one’s advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn’t there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Isn’t that the same question you asked last week?

Reporter #3: Oh, I’m sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn’t their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I’m gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #4: We’re being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that?

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that?

Reporter #4: Thought-provoking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo.

Reporter #4: Incisive?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day?

Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic?

Donald Rumsfeld: And?

Reporter #4: And that I’m an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper?

Donald Rumsfeld: That’s right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question?

Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No.

Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up!

Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don’t want to ask my question any more.

Donald Rumsfeld: Why not?

Reporter #5: Too scared.

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions?

Donald Rumsfeld: Because it’s my press briefing, and I say so.

Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn’t make us answer questions.

Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact?

Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I’m nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it’s because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Uh.. isn’t there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they’ll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how “Saturday Night Live” plans to open their show this week?

Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

Gene Wilder/Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Voice over…..Will Ferrell
Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd…..Rachel Dratch
Julie Dawn Cole/Veruca Salt…..Drew Barrymore
Mr. Salt…..Haratio Sanz
Nelly Furtado…..Maya Rudolph
Peter Ostrum/Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Telly Savalas…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Poitier…..Dean Edwards
…..Tracy Morgan

(Willy Wonka in front of the chocolate pond in Willy Wonka and theChocolate Factory sings…)

“There is no place I know to compare with pure imagination”

Voice over: It’s the one and only Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, now to commemorate the 30th anniversary of this family classic, Warner home video presents this special Willy Wonka collectors edition on DVD. Also included is a brand new documentary featuring interviews with the original Wonka kids including the incorrigible Violet Boragard.

(Cut to movie scene)

Violet: Hmmm, delicious tomato soup, hmm oh second course is coming up. Roast beef with baked potato hmm. Here comes the dessert, oh it’s the most marvelous blue berry pie. (starts turning blue)

Willy Wonka: It always goes wrong at the dessert.

(cut to a very blue very inflated Violet)

Violet: I feel kinda funny, what’s happening to me?

(Cut to Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd now, she’s older, but stillhas bright blue face and hands)

Violet: I had a fantastic time making that movie. A lot of the special effects were brand new, they hadn’t even been tested yet. Would I do it again? … no.

Voice over: And who could forget the spoiled brat Veruca Salt.

(Cut to movie seen with Veruca and father)

Veruca: Daddy I want a golden goose and I want it now.

(Cut to Julie Dawn Cole/ Veruca Salt now, wearing tight clothing andsmoking a cigarette)

Veruca: Yeah I moved back to London to start my own rock band, but then I found out that there was already another band named Veruca Salt. So instead I make my living by having men pay me 75 pounds a pop to say “Daddy I want it now, give it to me…NOW!!!”

Voice over: The Willy Wonka Collectors edition includes a newly recorded version of the celebrated Oompa Loompa song, sung by pop sensation Nelly Furtado.

(Cut to Nelly Furtado with two Oompa Loompas. She sings to the tune of“Turn out the light”)

Nelly Furtado:
“I said a Oompa-Loompa Doopody Doo
I got another present for you
I said a Oopa Loompa Doopody de
It’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
oh woah woah, yeah
Turn out the light, turn out the light”

(Nelly dances with the Oompa Loompas)

Voice over: You’ll enjoy actor Peter Ostrum in his first interview since the movie’s release thirty years ago.

(cut to movie scene)

Charlie Bucket: I found a golden ticket, I found a golden ticket!)

(Cut to a flaming Charlie Bucket/ Peter Ostrum now)

Charlie Bucket: Let me tell you I made a lot of good friends on the Wonka set. Augustus Gloop and I became very close. He was the big powerful German boy woo! We roomed together in college, and for a while after that. But Willy Wonka will always be a part of me. In fact, guys who hang out in my condo call it one big chocolate factory!

Voice over: The Willy Wonka collectors edition includes never before seen screen tests with Hollywood’s brightest stars of 1971, including the star of TV’s Kojack Telly Savalas.

Telly Savalas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew! Now you listen to me, who loves ya (licks lolly-pop and stares intensely into the camera) baby.

Voice over: And an unforgettable screen test with Academy Award winner Sidney Poitier.

Sidney Poitier: They.. call me.. Mr. Wonka!!

Voice over: Sparkling with beautifully restored picture and sound, this collection features never before seen out-takes.

(Cut to movie scene in front of psychedelic backgrounds)

Willy Wonka: There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. For the fires of Hell are glowing! YES! For the rowers keep on rowing! And they’re certainly not showing, any signs that they are slowing! EEHHHH!!!!! Hey, wait a minute, this is a children’s film right?

Tracy Morgan voice over: (laughing) Order the Willy Wonka Collector’s edition today!

Thanks to Jamie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts