Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

01f: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed

Donald Rumsfeld Press Briefing

Donald Rumsfield…..Darrell Hammond
Reporter #1…..Ana Gasteyer
Reporter #2…..Seth Meyers
Reporter #3…..Rachel Dratch
Reporter #4…..Will Ferrell
Reporter #5…..Amy Poehler
Reporter #6…..Maya Rudolph
Reporter #7…..Dean Edwards

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh.. [ checks his watch ] ..good afternoon. Today marks the end of the sixth week of our military campaign in Afghanistan. Although the campaign continues to meet with success, let me remind you, as I’ve done many times before, it’s only part of the larger war on terror! Now, I’ll be happy to take any questions you may have. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #1: Today also marks the beginning of the Muslim holy month of Ramadan. Does the U.S. plan on suspending its bombing campaign during this period?

Donald Rumsfeld: Do we plan? Do we plan to cease bombing during Ramadan? I suppose my answer to that would be I’m not gonna tell you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes?

Reporter #2: We’re getting reports of U.S. special-ops forces being dropped into Taliban areas with camoflauge and night-vision goggles. This means the Taliban soldiers won’t be able to see our troops, but we’ll be able to see them. Is that fair?

Donald Rumsfeld: Is it fair? I imagine my reply to would be that life itself is not fair. In war, one tries to maximize one’s advantage, fair or unfair, wherere possible. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Um.. yes. With our military campaign stalled, and the opposition forces seemingly bogged down in a quagmire, isn’t there a danger the U.S. will look like a weakling and thus lose support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Isn’t that the same question you asked last week?

Reporter #3: Oh, I’m sorry. Um.. okay.. with our military campaign moving so rapidly, and opposition forces easily running over Taliban areas, isn’t their a danger the U.S. will look like a bully, and thus lose its support of the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Uh, that sounds like an interesting question, and certainly well-intentioned.. but I’m gonna be honest with you, I drifted off in the middle of it! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #4: We’re being told that Northern Alliance forces are firing back at Taliban troops who have fired on them, even though the Taliban troops have missed. Does the U.S. condone that?

Donald Rumsfeld: Now, what kind of question is that?

Reporter #4: Thought-provoking?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo.

Reporter #4: Incisive?

Donald Rumsfeld: Noooo. Remember what I said about your question the other day?

Reporter #4: That it was.. idioitic?

Donald Rumsfeld: And?

Reporter #4: And that I’m an embarrassment both to myself and my newspaper?

Donald Rumsfeld: That’s right! [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes, you have a question?

Reporter #5: [ shaking head ] No. No.

Donald Rumsfeld: You had your hand up!

Reporter #5: Well, I did.. but I don’t want to ask my question any more.

Donald Rumsfeld: Why not?

Reporter #5: Too scared.

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, does anyone else have any questions? [ ] Nobody? Alright, I have a question. Why am I doing this? I had a satisfying, highly-paid career in the private sector. What would possess me to take this job, so I could stand here day after day and answer a lot of fool questions from a collection of cretins, hacks and angry lesbians such as yourselves! What was I thinking?! Can one of you tell me? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #6: Um.. why do we have to answer questions?

Donald Rumsfeld: Because it’s my press briefing, and I say so.

Reporter #1: Colin Powell doesn’t make us answer questions.

Donald Rumsfeld: That a fact?

Reporter #4: [ meekly ] Colin Powell is nice.

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, I’m nice, too. If I seem to be tough on you, it’s because I love you. [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #3: Uh.. isn’t there a danger that your tough-love approach will make you seem mean, thus losing the support of the Washington press corps as well as the Afghan people?

Donald Rumsfeld: Perhaps in the short run, but one day I suspect they’ll thank me. Any other questions? [ acknowledges reporter ] Yes.

Reporter #7: Can you tell us anything about how “Saturday Night Live” plans to open their show this week?

Donald Rumsfeld: No! Any other questions? Nobody? Alright, then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

01c: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray

Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

Gene Wilder/Willy Wonka…..Jeff Richards
Voice over…..Will Ferrell
Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd…..Rachel Dratch
Julie Dawn Cole/Veruca Salt…..Drew Barrymore
Mr. Salt…..Haratio Sanz
Nelly Furtado…..Maya Rudolph
Peter Ostrum/Charlie Bucket…..Amy Poehler
Telly Savalas…..Darrell Hammond
Sidney Poitier…..Dean Edwards
…..Tracy Morgan

(Willy Wonka in front of the chocolate pond in Willy Wonka and theChocolate Factory sings…)

“There is no place I know to compare with pure imagination”

Voice over: It’s the one and only Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, now to commemorate the 30th anniversary of this family classic, Warner home video presents this special Willy Wonka collectors edition on DVD. Also included is a brand new documentary featuring interviews with the original Wonka kids including the incorrigible Violet Boragard.

(Cut to movie scene)

Violet: Hmmm, delicious tomato soup, hmm oh second course is coming up. Roast beef with baked potato hmm. Here comes the dessert, oh it’s the most marvelous blue berry pie. (starts turning blue)

Willy Wonka: It always goes wrong at the dessert.

(cut to a very blue very inflated Violet)

Violet: I feel kinda funny, what’s happening to me?

(Cut to Denise Nickerson/Violet Beauregaurd now, she’s older, but stillhas bright blue face and hands)

Violet: I had a fantastic time making that movie. A lot of the special effects were brand new, they hadn’t even been tested yet. Would I do it again? … no.

Voice over: And who could forget the spoiled brat Veruca Salt.

(Cut to movie seen with Veruca and father)

Veruca: Daddy I want a golden goose and I want it now.

(Cut to Julie Dawn Cole/ Veruca Salt now, wearing tight clothing andsmoking a cigarette)

Veruca: Yeah I moved back to London to start my own rock band, but then I found out that there was already another band named Veruca Salt. So instead I make my living by having men pay me 75 pounds a pop to say “Daddy I want it now, give it to me…NOW!!!”

Voice over: The Willy Wonka Collectors edition includes a newly recorded version of the celebrated Oompa Loompa song, sung by pop sensation Nelly Furtado.

(Cut to Nelly Furtado with two Oompa Loompas. She sings to the tune of“Turn out the light”)

Nelly Furtado:
“I said a Oompa-Loompa Doopody Doo
I got another present for you
I said a Oopa Loompa Doopody de
It’s Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
oh woah woah, yeah
Turn out the light, turn out the light”

(Nelly dances with the Oompa Loompas)

Voice over: You’ll enjoy actor Peter Ostrum in his first interview since the movie’s release thirty years ago.

(cut to movie scene)

Charlie Bucket: I found a golden ticket, I found a golden ticket!)

(Cut to a flaming Charlie Bucket/ Peter Ostrum now)

Charlie Bucket: Let me tell you I made a lot of good friends on the Wonka set. Augustus Gloop and I became very close. He was the big powerful German boy woo! We roomed together in college, and for a while after that. But Willy Wonka will always be a part of me. In fact, guys who hang out in my condo call it one big chocolate factory!

Voice over: The Willy Wonka collectors edition includes never before seen screen tests with Hollywood’s brightest stars of 1971, including the star of TV’s Kojack Telly Savalas.

Telly Savalas: Who can take a sunrise, sprinkle it with dew! Now you listen to me, who loves ya (licks lolly-pop and stares intensely into the camera) baby.

Voice over: And an unforgettable screen test with Academy Award winner Sidney Poitier.

Sidney Poitier: They.. call me.. Mr. Wonka!!

Voice over: Sparkling with beautifully restored picture and sound, this collection features never before seen out-takes.

(Cut to movie scene in front of psychedelic backgrounds)

Willy Wonka: There’s no earthly way of knowing, which direction we are going. For the fires of Hell are glowing! YES! For the rowers keep on rowing! And they’re certainly not showing, any signs that they are slowing! EEHHHH!!!!! Hey, wait a minute, this is a children’s film right?

Tracy Morgan voice over: (laughing) Order the Willy Wonka Collector’s edition today!

Thanks to Jamie for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

Gemini’s Twin

01e: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams

Gemini’s Twin

Sway…..Dean Edwards
Britannica…..Maya Rudolph
Joanette…..Ana Gasteyer
Chanterell…..Gwyneth Paltrow

Sway: Welcome to the Gemini’s Twin Weekend! I’m Sway! It’s all Gemini, all the time, all weekend, 24-2! Now, from their latest CD, America the Bootyful, which drops today, the spankin’ new video from the ladies of Gemini’s Twin – Red, White, and Not You!

(cut to video)

(The twins are dressed as patriotic runway models and walk down a runway aisle)

All members: (singing)
Red is the color of my heart
White is the color of your lies
Blue is what you’re gonna be
If you keep on messin’ with me

Comin’ home late at night
Smelling like aroma spirits
Actin’ like you’re outta sight
With your nasty overbite (oh-ohh)

You be actin’ all robotic
When I’m tryin to get erotic
So why you goin’ all psychotic
That ain’t very patriot-ic!
Oh, no no no

All you wanna do is bone
Like a caveman, Fred Flintstone
Play you like a saxophone
Pass you like a kidney sto-o-o-ne

There ain’t no more you and me
GT-3, we out!

(clip ends, cut to MTV set)

Sway: Yo, now let’s give it up for Gemini’s Twin!

(the members enter)

Sway: Yo, the video was mad patriotic! So Gemini’s Twin, there’s a lotta serious business goin’ on in the world today. How y’all crackin’ lately?

Britannica: Well, this has been a real reflectionary period of time for us as individuals and as members of America.

Joanette: Mmm-hmm. We’ve been in a real stressful conditionality in regards to our poker capacity.

Britannica: Which resulted in us eatin’ a lotta Popeye’s. And Taco Bell.

Joanette: Basically we was getting chunky sweet.

Britannica: Word, our manager put us on a weight loss pruz-o-gram!

All members: (singing a capella) Americans diet, high pro-ty-ine!

Sway: Cool, cool. Yo, I’ve gotta question for the new girl – who are you?

Chanterell: I’m the new member, they call me Chanterell.

Britannica: Yeah, we call her that cause her real name is Bridget.

Chanterelle: Word. And Bridget sounds mad white, yo.

Joanette: But it’s all good cause she make me look ethnic.

Chanterelle: Word, see they both white…you know what I’m sayin’?

Sway: Yeah, word on that. And I hear you guys met by accident. So give us the 411!

Britannica: Okay, see here’s what happened, Sway. We was on our tour bus and we was tryin’ to decide where to eat. See, I wanted them salty biscuits from Red Lobster with the cheese up them…

Joanette: Mmm-hmm…and I wanted Bob Evans for the beef and noodles.

Britannica: Yeah, things got crazy, then my dad got all cranked up and started yellin’ out when we realized no one was at the wheel.

Joanette: Yeah, and then we ran into her. I was like, “I’m gonna sue!” and they was like, “Hold up, you wanna be in the group?” I was like, “What group?”, and they was like, “Gemini’s Twin!” and I was like, “I ain’t never heard of them, but a’ight!”

Britannica: Yeah, we glad she didn’t sue cause we wanna steer clear of issues involving law and order…chung-chung!

Chantrelle: Mmm-hmm. Drama dismissed!

All members: (cheering) No drama! No drama! No-no-no drama!

Sway: No doubt, no doubt. So what can you tell us about the new album?

Britannica: Well, we just felt it was real important to get an album out right away…so we could sell it.

Sway: So, are any of the proceeds goin’ to charity?

Britannica: Well, we discussed that and decided it didn’t fit into our world right now.

Joanette: But we do encourage anyone who is sufferin’ to go out and buy our album.

Britannica: Word, ‘cause the people who buy our album are the real heroes.

(singing a capella) Hee-roooo-oes!

Chanterelle: Sam Goody!

Sway: That’s deep, yo! But seriously, we gotta give our props to the U.S.A. I love you U.S.A., you’re beautiful. Yo, how come y’all don’t call me no more, U.S.A? Naw, I’m just playin’ wit you. I be pretending the U.S.A. was a real person, y’all!

All members: That’s aight, you’re funnin’, you real cool!

Sway: A’ight y’all, that about wraps it up for the Gemini’s Twin Weekend. Ladies, why don’t you take us out with a little bit of America the Bootyful?

All Members: A’ight, a’ight! Yeah, let’s do it!

(singing a capella)

And crown thy good with bo-o-otyhood
From me to shining…

Sway: This is Sway wrapping it up with Gemini’s Twin and they gon’ pay!


Thanks to Ann*e Hussey and CaliStarDust for this transcript!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01: Liberty Medical Insurance

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 27: Episode 4

01d: John Goodman / Ja Rule

Liberty Medical Insurance

Wilford Brimley…..John Goodman

[ open on Wilford Brimley sitting atop a horse next to a wooden fence on his farm ]

Wilford Brimley: Hi. I’m Wilford Brimley, and I’ve had diabetes for about 20 years. I stay active and I feel pretty good most of the time. See, I do things differently now. I’m not perfect, but I try to watch my diet and exercise. And I check my blood sugar, and I get all my diabetic testing supplies from Liberty Mutual.

Like I said, I’m not perfect. I guess.. some of the things I told you just now are downright fibs. Like the diet and exercise thing. When I said I watch my diet, I guess I mean I watch the minivan from Buddy’s Barbecue pull up and unload about $200 worth of pork ribs onto my driveway. While I stand in the doorway hiding my food boner in my Bermuda shorts.

When it comes to exercise, well that’s just a boldfaced lie. I’ve never moved fast enough to sweat , except when I was making a baby. Even then, I took some much-needed breaks. My doctor isn’t even sure I’ve got diabetes. He just says I look like somebody who would have it. I do check my blood-sugar every day, though, just in case. And Liberty Medical brings all the teting supplies right to my door, so it’s easy to track my health.

[ sprays whipped cream into his mouth ]

Who am I kidding? That’s bull hockey! I don’t keep track of my health at all! People just assume I eat a lot of quaker Oats, so I must be okay. Hell, I wouldn’t eat oatmeal if it was the filling in a Dove bar. I can’t stand that gobbledlygook! It always seems like somebody else ate it first. Sorry, Quaker, but I’m Wilford Brimley, I say it how I feel it.

You know what I do like, are them S’Mores. And old-fashioned wedding cake frosting – the kind that’s still got lard in it. And merangue made out of egg yolks instead of egg whites. Some people call it cholestoral, I just call it good.

If you have diabetes, you check your blood sugar, and you check it often. There’s no reason not to. Call Liberty. They can help you have a better life.

Now, I’m gonna go get off my horse by getting onto a smaller horse, and then onto a large dog, until I’m near enough to the ground to roll off.

You take care now.

[ fade out ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Drew Barrymore: 10/13/01

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

October 13th, 2001

Drew Barrymore

Macy Gray

Tom Green

Colin Quinn

  • A Message From the Vice-President of the United States

    Dick Cheney (Darrell Hammond) reports from a secret cave in Afghanistan.

    Recurring Characters: Vice-President Dick Cheney.

  • Drew Barrymore’s Monologue

    Mayor’s courage brought Drew to New York despite anthrax in the building.

  • Crossing Over with John Edwards

    John Edwards’ (Will Ferrell) psychic predictions are far from accurate.

  • Love-ahs

    Love-ahs Roger (Will Ferrell) & Virginia (Rachel Dratch) play hot tub matchmakers.

    Recurring Characters: Roger, Virginia.

  • Willy Wonka: 30th Anniversary DVD

    Features outtakes, rejected screen tests and “Where Are They Now?”

  • TV Funhouse

    “Fun With Real Audio” segment shows a retooling of Emeril’s sitcom.

  • First Liberty Savings Bank

    Founder’s failure of a son (Will Ferrell) marks the money for sale.

  • Macy Gray performs “Sexual Revolution”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Gay Hitler (Chris Kattan) visits.

    Colin Quinn explains what’s going on in Afghanistan.

    Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) sings “Turn On Your Heartlight”.

    Recurring Characters: Neil Diamond.

  • Action Talk Show

    Klaus Von Braunman (Chris Kattan) and direct-to-video action movies.

  • “King Kong” On WUUB

    To save money, Public Broadcasting station recreates “King Kong” remake.

  • Lesbian Feminist Singers

    Monica (Barrymore) & Lelani (Maya Rudolph) sing despite interruptions.

  • Macy Gray performs “Sweet Baby”

  • My Big Thick Novel

    Author can’t fathom “When dinosaurs ruled the earth” cliche.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • Saturday Night Live: 2001-2002

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: 2001-2002

    This free script provided by]]>


  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Will Ferrell
  • Tina Fey
  • Ana Gasteyer
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Dean Edwards
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 09/29/01: Reese Witherspoon / Alicia Keys
  • 10/06/01: Seann William Scott / Sum 41
  • 10/13/01: Drew Barrymore / Macy Gray
  • 11/03/01: John Goodman / Ja Rule
  • 11/10/01: Gwyneth Paltrow / Ryan Adams
  • 11/17/01: Billy Bob Thornton / Creed
  • 12/01/01: Derek Jeter / Shakira, Bubba Sparxxx
  • 12/08/01: Hugh Jackman / Mick Jagger
  • 12/15/01: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt
  • 01/12/02: Josh Hartnett / Pink
  • 01/19/02: Jack Black / The Strokes
  • 02/02/02: Britney Spears
  • 03/02/02: Jonny Mosely / Outkast
  • 03/09/02: Jon Stewart / India.Arie
  • 03/16/02: Ian McKellen / Kylie Minogue
  • 04/06/02: Cameron Diaz / Jimmy Eat World
  • 04/13/02: The Rock / Andrew W.K.
  • 04/20/02: Alec Baldwin / P.O.D.
  • 05/11/02: Kirsten Dunst / Eminem
  • 05/18/02: Winona Ryder / Moby
  • SummaryOn September 11th, 2001, 18 days prior to “Saturday Night Live”‘s 27th season premiere, terrorists attacked the World Trade Center’s Twin Towers in New York City. It seemed that life as America knew it had come to a halt, but President George W. Bush and New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani (two politicians lampooned regularly on “SNL”) declared that the city would overcome the tragedy. As proof, the Mayor himself appeared on the season premiere to pay tribute to the men, women and children whose lives were lost in the attack, and to encourage “SNL” to let the show go on.

    Not returning the late-night comedy institution was Jerry Minor, who, as a featured performer, played a very minor role indeed during the 2000 season. Chris Parnell had also been let go from the cast, but managed to find his way back into the inner sanctum by the March 2nd, 2002 episode, and stayed for the remainder of the season. Four new featured performers – Dean Edwards, Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler and Jeff Richards – were added to the cast. Of the four, Poehler’s star shined the brightest, as she was quickly upgraded to full cast member status after the Christmas break.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Britney Spears: 02/02/02

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    February 2nd, 2002

    Britney Spears

    Britney Spears

    Dan Aykroyd
    Justin Timberlake

    Britney Spears, “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”

  • Winter Olympics: Women’s Skiing

    Mormons (Dan Aykroyd, Will Ferrell) accost Tiffany Lane (Amy Poehler) while skiing.

  • Britney Spears’ Monologue

    Boyfriend Justin Timberlake can’t tell Spears from Chris Kattan.

  • Loose Bear

    (Repeat) See: 12/08/01.

  • Brian Fellow’s Safari Planet

    Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) is preoccupied with thoughts of shaving rabbit.

  • Inside Barbie’s Dreamhouse

    Barbie (Amy Poehler) reveals truth to “kid sister” Skipper (Spears).

  • Jarrett’s Room

    Gobi’s (Horatio Sanz) girlfriend Summer (Spears), and super bowl of pot.

    Recurring Characters: Jarrett, Gobi, DJ Jonathan Feinstein.

  • Camp X-Ray: U.S. Detainment Facility #240678129934-AH-29J

    Tropical incarceration paradise for Cuban prisoners.

  • A Message From Martha Stewart

    K-Mart bankruptcy forces Martha Stewart (Ana Gasteyer) contingency plan.

  • Britney Spears performs “I’m Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Joe Palindrome (Seth Meyers) points Jimmy Fallon for Ciccoline joke.

    From Mogadishu, war correspondent Geraldo Rivera (Darrell Hammond) is a sexy man.

    Jimmy Fallon offers recent song parodies for Winter Olympics theme song.

    Neil Diamond (Will Ferrell) thinks “America” is a good enough theme song.

    Recurring Characters: Geraldo Rivera, Neil Diamond.

  • Astronaut Jones

    Astronaut Jones (Tracy Morgan), defender of space ass.

  • HBO: First Look

    Gemini’s Twin (Ana Gasteyer, Maya Rudolph, Spears) film “Damn My Dixie’s On Fire”.

    Recurring Characters: Joanette, Britanica.

  • 9 News Morning Edition

    Stolen chairs and technical gaffes mar performance of morning news broadcast.

  • Britney Spears performs “Boys”

  • The Leather Man

    Leather Man (Jimmy Fallon) is obsessed with leather clothing.

    SNL Transcripts

  • Family Vacation

    01i: Ellen Degeneres / No Doubt

    Family Vacation

    Mom…..Ellen Degeneres
    Dad…..Will Ferrell
    Daughter…..Rachel Dratch
    Son…..Jimmy Fallon

    [ open on family in car, driving to a Christmas vacation ]

    Mom: Hmm.. this was such a good idea.

    Dad: Well, you know, I thought everyone was feeling tense. Why not just get out of the city and enjoy?

    Mom: I can feel it. The further away we get from the city, the more my stress just melts off.

    Son: Pretty cool, Dad!

    Daughter: Yeah, this is gonna be fun!

    Dad: Hey, the Jurnsbachs get to have fun every once in a while, right?

    Kids: Jurnsbachs!!

    Mom: Larry didn’t mind you taking the week off?

    Dad: No, no, he wasn’t happy about it, but what the hell? I’ve got eight weeks of vacation – I’ve gotta use it sometime, right?

    Mom: It’s true. I can hardly wait ’til we get there, I’m hitting the slopes right away.

    Daughter: Me, too!

    Mom: [ thinking suddenly ] You turned off the coffee, didn’t you?

    [ thrilling musical fanfare, as coffee pot is shown dripping ]

    Dad: Yep.. I think I did..

    [ show coffee pot dripping ]

    Dad: I’m sure I did.

    Mom: I know you did. Of course you did!

    Dad: I did!

    Mom: Good!

    Dad: [ thinking ] You locked the back door, right?

    [ thrilling musical fanfare, as back door is shown wide open ]

    Mom: I thought you locked it?

    [ show back door wide open ]

    Dad: No.. I locked the front door – you said you had the back door.

    [ show back door wide open ]

    Mom: I probably locked it.

    Dad: I know you did.

    Son: You guys worry too much!

    Dad: [ playfully ] Hey, when you get a house and a hefty mortgage, you’ll worry, too!

    [ Son laughs and plays with Dad’s ears, but is swatted at ]

    Mom: That’s right, kiddo! [ joking ] I hope you turned off all those toys of yours!

    [ thrilling musical fanfare, as dinosaur toy is shown walking about the kids’ room ]

    Son: Duh! Like I would ever leave my toys on!

    Daughter: Mom! He left his dinosaur on!

    Son: No! No! No!

    [ show dinosaur toy walking about the room ]

    Mom: Enough! Enough! It doesn’t matter – the batteries will probably run out.. it’s not a problem.

    Dad: I left the sink running.

    [ thrilling musical fanfare, as sink is shown running full blast ]

    Dad: Just kidding!

    Mom: [ laughing along ] Huh! Don’t do that to me! you scared the crap out of me!

    Dad: I actually might have left it on..

    [ show sink running full blast ]

    Dad: I did!

    Mom: [ suddenly tense ] What? What are you saying?

    Dad: I-I left the water running.. I did!

    Mom: Well, don’t tell me that!

    Dad: I can’t help it! I now remember..

    Daughter: Mommy, what’s happening?!

    Mom: Oh, my God! The whole house is flooding!

    Daughter: Mommy!!

    Mom: I’m having.. I’m having trouble breathing!

    Dad: I left everything on! The sink..

    [ show sink running full blast ]

    Dad: ..the coffeepot..

    [ show coffeepot dripping ]

    Dad: ..I left the door open..

    [ show door open ]

    Dad: And the dinosaur!

    [ show toy dinosaur walking around the room ]

    Dad: That does it! I’m turning this car around!

    [ car turns around quickly, tires screeching ]

    Mom: Gun it! We gotta get home!

    Son: Dad!!

    Dad: Shut up!! I left the oven on!!

    [ show oven on ]

    Mom: I left the burners on!!

    [ show burners on ]

    Dad: I left a fire in the fireplace!

    [ show fireplace burning ]

    Son: Mom! Dad! Mom!

    Dad: Shut up!!

    Mom: I left a radio in the bathtub!

    [ show radio submerged in bathtub water ]

    Dad: I left two cans of gas in the sun under a magnifiyng glass!

    [ show two cans of gas under magnifying glass in the sun ]

    Mom: I left an iron on a stack of newspapers!

    [ show iron on stack of newspapers ]

    Dad: The whole house is on fire!!

    [ show house burning ]

    Mom: [ grabbing at steering wheel ] We gotta get home faster!!

    Son: Mom!! Mo-o-o-o-om!!

    [ car falls over cliff ]

    Son: Mom!! Dad!!

    [ family is shown inside car, as background creates illusion they are still falling over the cliff ]

    Dad: What?!!

    Son: I turned everything off!!

    Dad: You did?!

    Son: Yeah! Everything’s fine!

    Mom: Oh. that’s a relief..

    [ car finally crashes and explodes at bottom of cliff ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: John Goodman: 11/03/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 4

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    November 3rd, 2001

    John Goodman

    Ja Rule


    Dan Aykroyd
    Ashcroft’s Press ConferenceSummary: John Ashcroft’s (Darrell Hammond) terrorism warning has sketchy details.

    Recurring Characters: Dick Cheney.



    John Goodman’s MonologueSummary: John Goodman attempts to “wing” his monologue just like the Yankees did at the World Series.

    Also Hosted:

    Herbal Essence For MenSummary: The shampoo does equally well having an orgasmic effect on men.

    Hudson Valley Community CircuitSummary: Interviews with people and businesses with unfortunate names that have suffered since the terrorist attack on America.


    Liberty Medical InsuranceSummary: Despite his endorsement for the home health products, Wilford Brimley (John Goodman) hasn’t been taking very good care of himself.


    She’s The Girl With No Gaydar!!!Summary: Clueless Nicole (Rachel Dratch) thinks a string of gay partygoers are eligible bachelors for her choosing.

    Recurring Characters: Nicole.


    e.p.t. Home Pregnancy TestSummary: After their one-night stand, two college students (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) check to see if they’re pregnant.


    CBS Evening Anthrax UpdateSummary: Dan Rather (Darrell Hammond) projects which newscasters might have anthrax.

    Recurring Characters: Dan Rather.


    Ja Rule performs “Always On Time”

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Seth Meyers says New York is sure to win the World Series as long as Boston doesn’t root for their victory. To deter postal terrorist threats, Elwood Blues (Dan Aykroyd) and Mighty Mack (John Goodman) sing “The Letter.”

    Recurring Characters: Elwood Blues, Mighty Mack.


    America UndercoverSummary: Police officers (John Goodman, Dean Edwards) question the circumstances surrounding a dispute between Gator (Chris Kattan) and his white trash wife (Amy Poehler) who’s hiding in the stove.

    Recurring Characters: Gator, Gator’s Wife.


    Ja Rule performs “Givin’ It Up”

    Bad Conceptual TheaterSummary: Leonard Pinth-Garnell (Dan Aykroyd) presents a play written by an infinite number of monkeys.

    Recurring Characters: Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

    Little SleuthsSummary: A disgruntled detective (John Goodman) is partnered with amateur sleuths Bookie Newton (Seth Meyers) and his kid sister (Amy Poehler).



    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Reese Witherspoon: 09/29/01

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 27: Episode 1

    This free script provided by]]>

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:


    September 29th, 2001

    Reese Witherspoon

    Alicia Keys


    Mayor Rudolph Guiliani

    Paul Simon

    Lorne Michaels
    9/11 TributeSummary: New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani pays tribute to the lives lost on September 11th by acknowledging the members of the New York Fire and Police Department as heroes. Paul Simon sings “The Boxer.”

    Note: The World Trade Center attacks took place eighteen days before the season premiere. Though there was a consideration to delay the season premiere, Lorne Michaels finally decided to proceed as planned when Mayor Guiliani stated that he wanted the show to go on.

    Note: Along with Art Garfunkel, Paul Simon also performed “The Boxer” on SNL’s second episode on October 18th, 1975.


    MontageNote: Kevin Spacey was this episode’s first choice for host, but scheduling conflicts prevented him from accepting.

    Note: Don Pardo announces Ana Gasteyer’s name while Tina Fey’s picture is on the screen.

    Reese Witherspoon’s MonologueSummary: Reese Witherspoon cuts the tension by telling an off-color joke about a polar bear cub.

    Note: The original punchline to the joke Reese Witherspoon tells was “I’m fucking freezing!” Lorne Michaels prompted her to say the line, promising that he would pay the FCC indecency fine just so he could prove to viewers that New York City was back up and running, but Witherspoon declined just before the live show because she knew her younger fans would be watching.


    Preparation HSummary: A group of skateboarding teenagers are proud users of the H ointment.

    Wake Up, WakefieldSummary: Megan (Maya Rudolph) introduces the new viewer window, then interviews Randy Goldman’s (Jimmy Fallon) girlfriend and Spanish Club President, Gretchen Doyle (Reese Witherspoon).

    Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglian, Randy Goldman.


    The Little MermaidSummary: The Little Mermaid (Reese Witherspoon) grosses out a sailor (Will Ferrell) with songs about her fish genitalia.


    Alicia Keys performs “Fallin'”

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jesse Jackson (Darrell Hammond) explains how the Taliban called him right after 9/11.

    Recurring Characters: Jesse Jackson.


    The CulpsSummary: Marty Culp (Will Ferrell) and Bobbi Mohan-Culp (Ana Gasteyer) perform a medley for their niece’s lesbian wedding.

    Recurring Characters: Marty Culp, Bobbie Mohan-Culp.


    Celebrity JeopardySummary: Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond) competes against Anne Heche (Witherspoon) and Chris Tucker (Dean Edwards).

    Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Sean Connery, Anne Heche.


    Alicia Keys performs “A Woman’s Worth”

    Farting BabySummary: A baby’s outrageous flatulence problem is the least of this sketch’s worries.


    Donatella Versace For the ChildrenSummary: Donatella Versace (Maya Rudolph) releases a terrible children’s album.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Karl Lagerfeld.



    Dress Rehearsal Cuts

    The How Do You Say? Ah Yes, ShowSummary: Antonio Banderas (Chris Kattan) tries to use his wily charms on Paula Zahn (Reese Witherspoon).

    Recurring Characters: Antonio Banderas, Senor Guadalupe Ramirez, Paula Zahn.

    Note: This sketch airs on next week’s show, with cast member Amy Poehler assuming the role of Paula Zahn.

    SNL Transcripts