Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 27: Episode 1
White Mother…..Reese Witherspoon
White Father…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Cleeten…..Chris Kattan
Black Mother…..Maya Rudolph
Black Father…..Tracy Morgan
[open on white mother, father and grandmother around baby]
White Father: Aw, look at him.
White Mother: Oh, I still can’t believe it! He’s so beautiful. We made that.
White Father: We did it. Look at his little face. He’s so peaceful.
Grandmother: You kids did a good job. You should be proud.
White Mother: Thanks, Mom. [places baby in bassinet] Oh, I can’t believe it. He’s ours.
White Father: I love you.[woman laughs cheerfully; baby farts]
White Father: Oops! Did you hear that?
White Mother: That was his first fart![man and woman chuckle; nuzzle baby]
White Mother: That’s so cute!
White Father: You’re gonna be just like your dad.
White Mother: Let’s hope not.[baby farts again]
White Father: Ooh! Little fella’s got gas.
White Mother: I wonder if I ate something. You know, they say if the mom eats gassy food
White Father: He looks fine to me.[baby farts louder]
White Father: Hey! Hey, cool it dude. I’m the fart guy in this family.[baby continues farting]
White Mother: Oh! Mom, should I burp him?
Grandmother: Oh, just pat his back, honey. He’ll be fine.
White Father: I’ll get him. [picks baby up as baby farts uncontrollably] Whoa. This – this can’t be normal. This can’t be normal at all.
White Mother: Um, give him to me. [patting baby’s back] There, there. Mommy’s here. That’s okay. Just let it out.[farting continues]
White Father: Okay, I – I gotta call someone.
Grandmother: That isn’t normal. That isn’t normal.
White Father: No. No.
White Mother: Okay, don’t panic, honey. Just call Dr. Cleeten.
White Father: Yes. Of course. Dr. Cleeten. Of course. Jeez! Stop the farting.
Grandmother: Call the doctor!
White Mother: There’s nothing I can do. I’m patting his back.[burping joins farting]
White Father: Ooh! Now’s he’s he’s burping now! Stop it baby!
Grandmother: Call the doctor!
White Father: Stop it, baby!
White Mother: Call Dr. Cleeten, damn it! Now![time passes; farting and burping continue]
White Mother: [opens the door for Dr. Cleeten] Dr. Cleeten, right this way. He won’t stop farting and burping!
White Father: We’re – we’re worried sick!
Dr. Cleeten: Now, now, now. It’s probably just some gas. [inspecting baby] Okay, little fella. What’s going on here? [farting and big burp] Oh! Well here’s the problem. His diaper’s on too tight.[mother sighs with relief]
Dr. Cleeten: [changes baby] There we go.[farting and burping stop]
White Father: Oh, boy. That was tense there.
Dr. Cleeten: Well, no need to worry. Constriction of the lower stomach often causes gas to build up.[baby pees into the air]
Dr. Cleeten: And pee![farting and burping resume]
White Mother: Oh my god. He’s peeing everywhere!
Dr. Cleeten: Well, would you look at that!
White Father: Do something!
Dr. Cleeten: I’ve never seen this.
Grandmother: This – this – this isn’t normal!
White Mother: [to Dr. Cleeten] Well, fix it! He’s farting and burping and peeing!
White Father: Here, let me – let me grab it. Let me grab it. [picks up baby] Stop it! Stop farting! Stop it! Stop farting!
White Mother: Larry, Larry, Larry! Hold it! He’s just a baby, Larry!
White Father: You better stop it!
White Mother: Give me the baby. Give it to me. [to baby] You better stop it. Stop farting!
White Father: It’s not funny. Go to your room!
Grandmother: That is not polite. It is not polite!
White Mother: You quit it this instant!
Dr. Cleeten: Give him to me! [to baby] I command you to stop farting! I am a doctor! You do it, and you will stop![farting continues]
White Mother: I’ve got an idea.
White Father: I like it.
Grandmother: Me too.
White Mother: I’ll be right back. [takes baby] Come on, Mom.[mother and grandmother leave] [Larry and Dr. Cleeten stand around; generic The Odd Couple-like music plays in the background]
White Father: Coffee?
Dr. Cleeten: No, no thanks. I’m actually trying to cut back.
White Father: Interesting. You’ve cut back on coffee? I’m amazed.
Dr. Cleeten: Well, nothing really amazing about it. I have a cup in the morning, and and that’s it.
White Father: [skeptical] One cup?
Dr. Cleeten: Sometimes two.
White Father: Okay. Yeah. [short pause] That’s beyond intriguing. That’s interesting. That’s really interesting.
Dr. Cleeten: Yeah?
White Father: Yeah.[mother and grandmother return with black baby]
White Mother: We’re back. It’s a funny thing, honey. That wasn’t our baby. Can you believe it? This is our baby.
White Father: I knew it! It must’ve been a mix-up. [tickles baby] Hi, cutie! [to mother] He?
White Mother: Oh, honey it’s a girl.
White Father: Oh.
White Mother: We made her, remember?
White Father: I love you.[Larry and mother kiss] [scene cuts to black man and woman in hospital room with original baby] [baby farts, burps and pees continuously]
Black Mother: This baby is not ours!
Black Father: [laughing] Who cares? This baby is hilarious! [to baby] You keep on fartin’, little dude! [to mother] This is the funniest baby we had yet!
Submitted by: Anthony Rupert