Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: 2002-2003

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  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    Where Are They Now?

    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Where Are They Now?

    Darcell…..Maya Rudolph
    Margie…..Queen Latifah
    Barbara…..Amy Poehler

    Voiceover: You knew their names, you loved their songs.. you watched them on TV.. but “Where Are They Now“?

    The year was 1964, and there was only one name on everybody’s list: “The Cherylettes. Just when it seemed like the dance craze fad had run its course, this bubbly trio breathed new life back into it, with the dance known as.. “The Wiggle”.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes, in black-and-white, on dance stage ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Doin’!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’ doin’ doin’ doin’
    Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle
    Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle
    Doin’ The Wiggle!

    Voiceover: The pressure was on. Could The Cherylettes come up with another dance hit? At the advice of their managers, they released their next single two months later. Teenagers and critics thought the second song was.. a little rushed.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes on “Hullabaloo” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Put your heel in your palm
    Put your leg in the air
    Hold it while you bounce
    Then bounce it everywhere
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!”

    Voiceover: Response.. was tepid at best. Immediately, the girls went back into the studio to cut a new track. Two hours later, and $63 over budget, they thought they struck gold with their new dance single.. “Party”.

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Walkin’ to a party!
    Yeah yeah!
    Put your hands in two fists
    Yeah yeah!
    Swing your arms around like a windmill
    Close your eyes and roam around the room!
    Close your eyes and roam around the room
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!”
    Don’t forget to-

    [ teenagers in the studio attempt to duplicate the dance moves, but end up accidentally punching one another ]

    Voiceover: “Party”.. was not a hit. In the summer of 1965, Darcell – the creative force behind the group – had a nervous breakdown.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminiscing about those crazy days ]

    Margie: Now, after “The Wiggle” came out, we bought wild, expensive stuff! I mean, I bought three Frigidaires! I mean, I bought each one of my cousins a house!

    Barbara: Mmm. I bought a tiger.

    Margie: Child, she bought a tiger!

    Barbara: Mmm-hmm.

    Margie: We was broke as hell. And I guess, Darcell.. she had snapped under the pressure.

    Barbara: Mmm mmm mmm..

    Margie: Started writing back checks and shooting at people.

    Barbara: Mmm.

    Margie: Oh!

    Voiceover: The law caught up with Darcell in 1966. She spent a year in the state penitentiary.. for throwing a brick at Dick Clark. After her release in 1967, the girls took one more shot at dance craze mortality. But Darcell just wasn’t the same.

    [ The Cherylettes appear on “The Ed Sullivan Show” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Find yourselllllf
    A piece of metal!
    Then some wooooood
    For the handle!
    Elecrical taaaaaape
    Hold them together!
    Sharpennnnnn it
    Into a point, now!
    You’ve made yourself a shank!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!
    Shank, baby, yeah!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!

    Voiceover: It was a disastrous evening. Darcell tried to stab Ed Sullivan, live, on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. and then The Cherylettes broke up forever.

    Today, Darcell Chambers resides in the New Jersey State Penitentiary, where she continues to write music.

    [ dissolve to dissolve behind bars of her prison cell ]

    Darcell: I told those bitches I needed some time off! But I’ve been doin’ real good since I bin in jail. See, I bin writin’ songs, like.. mmm.. let’s see, I don’t know.. “Happy Birthday”? Or, uh.. “Thriller”.. or, “The Theme to The Greatest American Hero”.. or, how ’bout “The Robot National Anthem”? [ singing ] “Robot! Nally!” [ makes shooting sound effects ]

    Voiceover: Margie and Barbara.. left the music business.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminsicing again ]

    Margie: I don’t miss it! I mean, The Cherylettes will always be a part of me. I keep it right here. [ puts hand over heart ] But I don’t miss a thing about it.

    Barbara: You know what I miss? The money and the sex!

    Margie: [ laughing ] I do miss that, too! But you was always more of a ho than me!

    [ they share the laugh ]

    Voiceover: Barbara.. has a new career in the fitness industry. She works as an extra in “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos with Richard Simmons.

    [ show still photo of Margie on cover of Richard Simmons’ video ]

    And Margie went on to fame as the mother of Baby Jessica.

    [ show Barbara standing in front of a well ]

    Way to wither, ladies.. way to wither.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    A Message From The President Of The United States

    02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

    A Message From The President Of The United States

    President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

    Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

    President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.

    Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdad’s main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraq’s duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.

    It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.

    Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!

    Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

    SNL Transcripts

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Tina Fey
    …..Seth Meyers
    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf…..Darrell Hammond

    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

    Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

    Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.

    In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi’s, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.

    Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.

    Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.

    Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here’s the winner of this year’s SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.

    Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say “hello losers!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that Jimmy? I can’t hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)

    Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.

    Seth Meyers: Delicious!

    Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?

    Seth Meyers: Well I’d like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn’t understand! Duh, duh, duh…I’m Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.

    Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it’s just a pool man.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that, I can’t hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it’s my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What’s that, Alex? I’m a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we’ll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we’ll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

    Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.

    Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!

    Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!

    Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.

    Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as “Chemical Ali” is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, “Chemical Frasier.”

    According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.

    Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.

    Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I’ll tell you one celebrity you won’t see on the Big Penis List, Mr…Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina – no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!

    Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.

    Tina Fey: God you’re so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – again no sound effect)

    Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.

    Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.

    Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.

    Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we’re joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!

    Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi’s have won the war.

    Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq’s victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!

    Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren’t those American MP’s?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!

    Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.

    Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of “token sucking,” the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.

    Tina Fey: That’s a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.

    Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!

    Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?

    Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works)

    Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

    Thanks to Natalie for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Adrien Brody’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 19

    02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

    Adrien Brody’s Monologue

    …..Adrien Brody
    …..Sylvia Plachy

    Adrien Brody: Hey, how are you doing tonight? [ begins to kiss various women in the audience ]

    Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! I’m so excited to be here tonight. [ crazed woman in the audience yells “You’re HOT!!” ] Ah, you’re hot! It’s an honor to be on “Saturday Night Live”.. [ another crazed audience members howls at the mere mention of the program’s title ] It’s great to be back in New York, where I’m from.. and my home. [ audience applauds ] I’ve got my wonderful parents here..

    [ camera cuts to Brody’s parents – Elliot Brody and Sylvia Plachy – in the audience, as the audience applauds ]

    Now by the time the show is over, it’s gonna be Mother’s Day.. so, Mom, I’m really happy you’re with me tonight. I love you. [ audience awwws ] Ladies and gentlemen, she was my date to the Academy Awards.. she was there at the Golden Globes.. she was at the premiere of “The Pianist”.. she’s here tonight to cheer me on.

    Sylvia Plachy: My pleasure.

    Adrien Brody: [ laughs ] And I’m so happy you’re with me, Mom.

    Sylvia Plachy: I’m very glad to be here with you. But, you know, Adrien.. you’ll have to learn to go to these things on your own. Really.

    Adrien Brody: [ embarrassed ] Mom..

    Sylvia Plachy: You’re 30! You’re 30 years old! You can’t go everywhere with your mother.

    Adrien Brody: Alright, Mom.. thanks.. You know, there was something that I just wanted to say to you at The Oscars, but I didn’t get a chance to, and, uh.. cause I didn’t have the time, and since it’s Mother’s Day, I would just like to say that-

    [ the SNL Band interrupts Brody’s speech to play him to commercial ] [ waving the band off ] Alright, come on! Guys, guys.. please.. I only get one chance here.. Don’t you people have mothers? [ clears his throat ] You know, Mom, I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

    [ audience applauds ]

    Alright. Thank you. We’ve got a great show tonight, everybody. We’ve got Sean Paul here.. We’ve got Wayne Wonder here.. Alright, stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Salma Hayek: 03/15/03

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 15th, 2003

    Salma Hayek

    Christina Aguilera

    Edward Norton

  • Bush Press Conference

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) takes questions from magazines.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Salma Hayek’s Monologue

    Chris Kattan and back-up 80’s band sing “We Belong” to Hayek.

  • Top O’ The Morning

    William’s (Seth Meyers) Mexican girlfriend (Hayek) clashes with show.

    Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

  • TV Funhouse

    Classic cartoon characters compete on “Are You Hot?”

  • Versace Oscar Special

    Versace (Maya Rudolph) dishes on Oscar fashion diasters.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Michael Jackson.

  • The Box

    Hiding in box, husband (Will Forte) catches wife (Hayek) with lover (Jimmy Fallon).

  • Frida I

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for plaigerizing the Broadway musical.

  • Christina Aguilera performs “Beautiful”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Ferecito (Fred Armisen) & wife (Hayek) practice their new comedy routine.

    Aril Lavigne (Amy Poehler) makes her punk presence known during visit.

    Gollum (Chris Kattan) makes his own unique Oscar picks.

    Jimmy Fallon sings Top 40-inspired St. Patrick’s Day songs.

  • Seduction Class

    Sexy teacher (Hayek) helps adult students become bolder with their presence.

    Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

  • Frida II

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for supporting terrorism.

  • The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

    Downstairs couple (Hayek, Tracy Morgan) deal with King Kong’s dong.

  • Christian Aguilera performs “Fighter”

  • Frida III

    “Chicago” defends itself, but Hayek spreads slander further.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    May 3rd, 2003

    Ashton Kutcher

    50 Cent

    G Unit

    Nate Dogg

  • The U.S.S. Lincoln

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) addresses Navy personnel on U.S.S. Lincoln.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

    Kutcher has forgotten to wear pants for his monologue.

  • Count Chocula Silver

    Count Chocula (Jimmy Fallon) changes marketing approach to address seniors.

  • Jarret’s Room

    Sole viewer from Iceland (Kutcher) stays in Jarret’s (Jimmy Fallon) dorm room.

    Recurring Characters: Jarret, Goby, D.J. Jonathan Feinstein.

  • Madonna: An American Life

    Matt Lauer (Seth Meyers) interviews rapidly-aging Madonna (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Madonna.

  • Plagierism

    Teacher is well aware of students’ history paper plagierisms.
  • 50 Cent performs “In Da Club”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Liza Minelli (Maya Rudolph) & David Gest (Chris Kattan) celebrate his birthday.

    Tracy Morgan has eaten Saddam Hussein’s birthday cake.

    Patrick (Will Forte) & Gunther Kelly (Fred Armisen) sing SARS Prevention Song.

    Recurring Characters: Liza Minelli, David Gest, Patrick Kelly, Gunther Kelly.

  • The Falconer

    The Falconer (Will Forte) faces competition from The Muskrateer (Kutcher).

    Tracy Morgan & Dean Edwards don’t want Kutcher to “Punk” them.

    Recurring Characters: The Falconer.

  • Politics Today

    High school dropouts discuss the day’s big issues.

    Recurring Characters: Skeeter.

  • 50 Cent with G Unit & Nate Dogg performs “21 Questions”

  • 50’s Ent.

    Prisoners incite riot when they mistake pre-execution performance.

  • Global Investments

    (Rerun) See: 01/18/03.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Velvet Productions

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 19

    02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

    Velvet Productions

    Hector…..Adrien Brody
    Toby…..Chris Parnell
    Business Executive…..Amy Poehler
    Norman…..Will Forte

    [ open on interior meeting room, Velvet Productions ]

    Hector: Alright, guys.. we’ve got a lot of work to do. There’s a bunch of hot, new guy-on-guy productions that just wrapped. It’s time to get ’em out for the new, traditional Father’s Day gay porn sales. We need to come up with titles for all of them today!

    Toby: [ sighs ] That’s right folks, we better buckle down. These hardcore homosexual flicks ain’t gonna name themselves.

    Business Executive: [ confused and uneasy about where she’s at ] I’m sorry.. I think I-I’m in the wrong meeting.. Is there also an architectural firm on this floor?

    Hector: [ points out to hall ] Past Reception, down the right.

    Business Executive: Okay, right, thanks, sorry.. [ scrambles to get out of the room as quickly as possible ]

    Hector: Okay, now.. all the latest stuff that we shot are porn versions of recent popular movies. For instance, um.. we have a movie here, um.. based on “The X-Men”. Any, uh.. title suggestions?

    Toby & Norman: [ in unison ] “The.. Sex-Men”!

    Hector: Nice. That’s nice. I hope they’re all that easy. Any ideas for “Lord of the Rings”?

    Norman: [ thinking ] Maybe, uh.. “Lord of the Rims“?

    Hector: [ considering ] Well.. with the right cover photo, it could work.. yes. Moving on.. uh.. hmm.. “Sweet Home Alabama”?

    Toby: Hmm.. “Sweet Home Alan’s Butthole“.

    Hector: That was excellent, Toby! That was just excellent work! We’ll have to add a character named Alan, but it’s worth it!

    Toby: Thank you, Hector.

    Hector: how ’bout “Bend It Like Beckham”?

    Norman: “Bend Over Like Beckham”!

    Hector: That’s dynamite! “Gladiator”?

    Toby: “Glad.. He.. Ate.. Him“.

    Hector: We are just cooking with gas here, guys! Now.. the next one is.. “The Pianist”.

    Hector: [ finally, a tough one. Toby and Norman struggle for ideas. ]

    Toby: Huh..? “The Pianist“..

    Norman: “The Pianist“..?

    Hector: [ confidently ] “The Pianist“.

    Toby: And this is a gay flick, too?

    Hector: The gayest.

    Norman: Gay porno based on “The Pianist“.. What to call it..?

    Toby: “The Pianist“.. “The Pianist“.. Pianist.. Pianist.. Pianist..

    Norman: Boy, this is a huge pickle..

    Hector: Yes, that was a good movie.. but we really have to focus on “The Pianist”..

    Norman: Well, uh.. what happens in it, plot-wise? Maybe that would help.

    Hector: [ flipping through note cards ] Let’s see, uh.. ah! “A musician endowed with extraordinary sexual power is the center of a gay orgy in war-torn Europe.”

    Toby: It sounds like a hot film.

    Hector: It is.. real hot.

    Norman: [ growing angry with himself ] Look, that doesn’t much matter if there’s no title, now does it?!

    Hector: Norman, relax, alright.. we’re gonna get it.. we’re gonna get it, okay? I mean, remember how hard it was naming the porn version of “The Horse Whisperer”? Or.. “Monster’s Ball”? But we did it, we came up with “Monster’s Balls“. And we’re gonna get this one, too!

    Norman: I know we will.. I know..

    Hector: Look.. let’s just take a step back a minute, okay? Think of things.. that make you think about gay porn. You know? I mean, make a list, okay? [ flips over blackboard and erases some prior scribblings ] I’ll start, okay? See if this triggers anything. [ writes “Asses” on the board ] Asses. Ass. What else?

    Toby: Moustache!

    Norman: Beards!

    Toby: Sideburns!

    Norman: Handlebar moustaches!

    Hector: I-I’ll just put “Hair”. [ writes it down ] Okay. My turn. [ thinking ] Gay porn.. naked dudes.. “Pianist”.. This is really getting us nowhere.. let’s just, uh.. let’s just try to get off- I mean, let’s get off piano. Wha-what’s like a piano?

    Toby: Um.. annn.. organ..?

    Hector: Organ? That’s no help, man. Dammit, this is so hard!

    Norman: [ struggling ] “The.. Pi-an-ass?”

    Toby: “Theeee.. Sex-Having Guy“..

    Hector: You know.. why don’t we just stick a pin in this one for a while, and come back to it later?

    Toby: Yeah, that’s a really good idea. What’s the next title we have to do?

    Hector: Okay, the next one is.. a movie.. called “Holes”!

    [ more confusion now present ]

    Toby: Boy, this is gonna be a long night..

    Hector: Well, then put the coffee on, Toby, because we’re not gonna be the ones who ruin Father’s Day!

    Toby: [ sighs ] Okay..

    [ dissolve to Father’s Day promo card ]

    Announcer: Don’t forget “Father’s Day”, June 15th! Brought to you by the Gay Porn Industry!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    The Box

    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    The Box

    Monica….Salma Hayek
    Jonathan…..Jimmy Fallon
    Ray…..Will Forte

    [ open on couple entering front room of house. An oversized box sits on the floor in the foreground of scene. ]

    Monica: Mmm.. I had such a good time tonight!

    Jonathan: Me, too! You’re really amazing.

    Monica: I never thought I could feel like this..

    Jonathan: I like what’s happening here.

    Monica: Yeah, me too. [ they kiss ]

    Jonathan: [ notices the box, stares at it ] What’s with this box?

    Monica: [ like it’s nothing ] Oh, somebody mailed something to my loser husband..

    Jonathan: You don’t think he has any idea what’s going on with us, do you?

    Monica: [ laughs ] Oh, puh-leez! That ignoramous doesn’t suspect a thing!

    Ray: [ voice muffled, because he’s inside the box ] He does NOW!!

    [ Monica and Jonathan are startled by the yell, unable to determine where it’s coming from ]

    Monica: Ray?? Where are you?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Right here! [ top of the excessively-taped box pushes up, but Ray doesn’t break through ] Right here.. [ tries again to break through, but, no dice ] I’m in the BOX!!

    Monica: What the ,b>hell are you doing in the box?! I thought you went to Cleveland!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I WAS!! But I mailed myself HOME, to lay this little TRAP for you!! And NOW.. after lying in wait for 28 hours.. the TRAP IS SPRUNG!! HAA!!

    Monica: 28 hours?? Where have you been going to the bathroom?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] THAT’S.. between ME and the BOX!!

    Monica: [ annoyed ] Ray! How could you do this?! How could you spy on us?!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Look, I am the one asking the questions NOW!! Okay? You guys tohught you were SO-O SMART, sneaking around behind my BACK!! Well, look who’s the smart one NOW!! I am!! ME!! [ tries again to push his way out of the box, but still no luck ]

    Monica: [ snidely ] You need a little help getting out of your.. box.. Einstein?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I will be MORE than fine without your help, thank you!! [ still faces great difficulty finding his way out of the box ] MORE than fine!!

    Monica: Well.. suit yourself. Let’s go, Jonathan.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] WHAT?!! So, THAT’s it?! So, you’re just LEAVING me?!

    Jonathan: [ like an ass ] Uh, yeah! She’s leaving you, dude!

    Ray: STAY out of this, JACKASS!!

    Jonathan: Jackass, huh? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my FACE?!!

    Ray: SPECIAL DELIVERY!! One ASS-KICKING coming up!! [ Ray bounces the box in Jonathan’s direction, practically a fraction of a centimenter at a time ]

    Monica: Ray, don’t do this.. [ Ray continues to bounce the box closer to Jonathan ] Oh..

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] How CLOSE am I to your FACE?!

    Jonathan: You’re closer! You’re still not very close.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Okay, hang on a second.. [ attempts to bounce the box a little closer ]

    Jonathan: [ aggravated at the nature of events ] Here! I’ll make it easy on ya! [ swaggers right up to the box ] Here I AM!! Now, ROLL THE DICE, BITCH-ASS!!

    Ray: EAT THIS!!

    [ Ray punches his fist and arm out of the right corner of the box. Jonathan immediately begins to punch the hell out of the box. ]

    Monica: [ trying to break the two men apart ] Stop it! Stop it!! Enough!! You’re both acting like children!! That’s IT!! That’s IT!! GoodBYE, Ray!! [ starts to storm out of the house with Jonathan in tow ]

    Ray: Wait, Monica!! Hold on!!

    Monica: What?!

    Ray: I just want to say one last thing..

    Monica: [ sighs ]

    Ray: [ pokes his head out of the corner of the box ] Mon, you look very nice tonight..

    Monica: Look.. it’s too late for sweet talk, Ray. Now, what do you want?

    Ray: I want you to come over here.. and give me one last kiss.. and tell me that you don’t feel anything.

    Jonathan: [ anxious to leave ] No, no.. we’re leaving! Come on, Monica, let’s go..

    Monica: No, no, Jonathan.. it’s okay. [ bends down in front of the box, and kisses her husband passionately ] Mmm.. that was nice.. It almost felt like.. it used to feel.

    Ray: [ lasciviously ] You know, uh.. I’m naked in here.

    Monica: [ the final straw ] Have a nice life, Ray!

    Jonathan: [ sadistically ] Yeah! Have a nice life, Ray!

    Ray: Flip off, you flippin’ DOUCHE!!

    Jonathan: NOO!!! Flip YOU, you MOTHERFLIPPER!! You want some of THIS?!!

    Ray: Let’s DANCE, FLIP-TURKEY!!

    [ Jonathan runs back over and begins to kick the hell out of the box ]

    Monica: [ pulling jonathan away from the box ] Oh! Stop it! Stop it!! You’re tearing it the FLIP apart!! Stop it! That’s IT, okay?!! We’re leaving! Goodbye, Ray!!

    Ray: You’re walking out that door and you’re never coming back?!!

    Monica: [ sarcastically ] Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to cry!

    [ Monica and Jonathan exit the house ]

    Ray: [ solemnly, in the audience’s direction ] Well, there goes the love of my life. This box should have been marked “fragile”. And, by “this box”, I mean.. my heart.. And what hurts even more is that she left with that ASSSSS!!

    Jonathan: [ runs back into the room ] I HEARD that, you SONOFABITCH!!

    [ the scuffle continues, as scene fades ]

    SNL Transcripts