Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: 2002-2003

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  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    Frida I

    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    Frida I

    …..Salma Hayek

    Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] “Chicago” is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. “Chicago” is destined for Oscar gold. Or.. is it?

    [ cut to Salm Hayek ]

    Salma Hayek: Hello, I’m Salma Hayek. The movie “Chicago” is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let’s look at the facts. “Chicago” is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies – for example, “Frida” – is 118 minutes long. What’s the matter, “Chicago”? Couldn’t you come up with five more minutes? And, here’s what they won’t tell you about “Chicago”: a musical play with the exact same name and story.. has been running on Broadway for years! I call that.. plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don’t vote for plaigerism; vote for “Frida”.

    Announcer: “Chicago”‘s won plenty of stuff already. Vote “Frida”. Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.

    SNL Transcripts

    The Pianist

    02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

    The Pianist

    Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan
    Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac
    Shusher…..Rachel Dratch
    Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell
    Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers
    Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler
    Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen

    [ open on theater marquee, with titles:
    “The Pianist”
    “A Man Apart”
    “Head Of State”
    “Phone Booth”
    “Boat Trip”
    “Old School” ] [ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]

    Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!

    Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.

    Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?

    Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.

    Shusher: Ssssshhhh!!!

    Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!

    Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.

    Black Guy #1: What’s it about?

    Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.

    Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?

    Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.

    Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?

    [ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]

    Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!

    [ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]

    Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?

    Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..

    Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

    Black Guy #1: No.

    [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

    Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!

    Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!

    [ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]

    Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?

    Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..

    Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!

    Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..

    Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

    Black Guy #1: No.

    [ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]

    Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!

    Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]

    Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..

    Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?

    Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.

    Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ] [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

    Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!

    Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?

    Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!

    Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!

    Shusher: I want my money back..

    Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!

    Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!

    [ everyone else exits the theater ]

    Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?

    Black Guy #1: No!

    [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]

    Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!

    Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.

    Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]

    Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!

    Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!

    Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Ashton Kutcher: 05/03/03: Count Chocula Silver

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 18

    02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

    Count Chocula Silver

    Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon
    Wife…..Rachel Dratch
    Doctor…..Will Forte

    [ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]

    Jingle: It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …

    Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.

    [ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]

    Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …

    [ Shot of the product ]

    Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.

    [ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]

    Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.

    [ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]

    Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!

    [ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]

    Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.

    [ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]

    Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.

    [ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]

    Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.

    [ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]

    Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.

    [ Back to him in the kitchen ]

    Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.

    [ Back to the examination room ]

    Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.

    [ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]

    Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.

    [ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]

    Jingle: …Count Chocula Silver!

    Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.

    [ Fade out ]

    Submitted by: G. Gomez

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: La Cuisina Canina

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 20

    02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

    La Cuisina Canina

    Maitre’D…..Dan Aykroyd
    Skippy…..Jeff Richards
    Daisy…..Rachel Dratch
    Bartender…..Chris Kattan
    Waiter…..Chris Parnell
    King…..Darrell Hammond
    King’s Date…..Maya Rudolph
    Yorkie…..Amy Poehler
    Buddy…..Dean Edwards
    Big Dog…..John Goodman
    Male Dog…..Seth Meyers
    Bitch…..Tina Fey

    [ open on exterior, La Cusina Canina ] [ dissolve to interior, elegant restaurant decorated with the canine taste in mind; the patrons and staff are dressed as dogs ]

    Maitre’D: Good evening. Welcome to La Cusina Canina, New York’s premier doggie restaurant. Do you have a reservation?

    Skippy: Uh, yes.. Daisy & Skippy, for eight o’clock.

    Maitre’D: Ah, yes! I’m afraid that your table will not be ready for a few minutes. Would you care to sit at the bar?

    Daisy: Hmm.. alright, I guess we’re a little early!

    Maitre’D: Fluffy! A complimentary water!

    Bartender: Right away, Monsieur Butch!

    Daisy: [ spins three times before taking her seat at the bar ] This is a nice place!

    Skippy: Yeah!

    Bartender: [ places glass on the bar ] There you are. One ice-cold toilet bowl water.

    [ the three of them begin to lap up the toilet bowl water from the glass ] [ cut to table at the other end of the restaurant ]

    Waiter: Good evening. I’m your waiter – Tippy. Are you ready to order?

    King: I am. But the bitches don’t know what they want.

    King’s Date: Well, it’s just that everything looks so good! You go ahead and order first, King!

    King: Alright. How is this appetizer? This, uh.. this Lawn Grass with Deer Pellets?

    Maitre’D: Oh! I recomend it! The pellets are fresh and chewy! And Chef Otis personally urinates on all of the grass he serves!

    King: Okay, that’s great. Okay, I’m gonna start with that, and then I’m gonna have the Tire-Stripped Possum with Blowflies.

    Waiter: Excellent choice. And, Madam?

    King’s Date: Yeah, gee.. uh.. uh.. I’m trying to lose some weight.. so, I-I’ll just have two cups of Science Diet..

    King: Oh, come on, honey! It’s the best restaurant in the city. You oughtta try something.

    King’s Date: Honey, I’m saving room for the coffee grinds with shrimp and eggshells for dessert.

    Waiter: And, Miss Yorkie?

    Yorkie: What’s in the Cat Vomit?

    Waiter: Ohh.. it’s a partially-digested vole with dustmite-laden hairball – it’s very popular.

    Maitre’D: And a Fancy Feast Tuna-Base, in its own aspic glaze.

    Yorkie: Mmmm..! I’ll have that!

    Maitre’D: And what can I get for you, Monsieur Buddy?

    Buddy: Yes, uh.. how’s the Rotting Fish?

    Waiter: Hmm.. here – smell. [ extends his arms ] I rolled in it this morning.

    [ everyone at the table sniffs the Waiter ferociously ]

    Buddy: [ excited ] Yes, yes! That’s the real thing, all right! Bring me of two of those!

    Waiter: Very good. [ retreats from table ] [ at the front of the restaurant, the popular Big Dog enters ]

    Maitre’D: Ah. Bonsoir, Big Dog! Always a pleasure to see you! Your regular table is waiting!

    Big Dog: Goooooood! Good! [ sits at his table ]

    Maitre’D: And what will be your pleasure tonight?

    Big Dog: Buuuuuutch! I think I’ll start off with an aperitif!

    Maitre’D: Pepe! Big Dog will have his usual!

    Big Dog: Any specials you want to tell me about?

    Maitre’D: Oh! Yes. We have a sumptious Melon-Rind Compost.. with Cockworm-Flaked Bacon Grease.. served on an Old Sneaker and a half-side of Tennis Ball. I had it myself, I’m sure you will enjoy it.

    Big Dog: Okay, Butch! On your advise!

    Maitre’D: And to start! A basket.. of.. waterlogged sticks from a creek upstate!

    Big Dog: [ sniffing his plate ] Thank you!

    [ a male-female dog couple enters, and Big Dog is attracted to the scent of the bitch ]

    Big Dog: Ahhhh.. [ raises his leg and begins to hump the bitch’s backside ]

    Male Dog: Excuse me! But the lady came with me!

    [ the two dogs began to growl and bark at one another, starting an upset throughout the restaurant as the dogs join the chorus; Big Dog quickly retreats back to his table, and the barking ceases ]

    Bartender: And your Bitch’s Piss Martini.

    Big Dog: Thank you. May I have an olive with that?

    [ Bartender tosses the olvie directly into Big Dog’s mouth ]

    Maitre’D: En-joyyyy. [ as the other patrons’ bowls of food are distributed ] Bon appetit, everyone!

    [ to pass the time while still waiting for their table, Skippy and Daisy proceed to chase each other in a circle, sniffing at each other’s butt ]

    Maitre’D: I’m sorry! Excuse me, please! But because of the new butt-sniffing ban, I’ll have to ask you to do that outside!

    Skippy: You can’t sniff a butt in a bar any more?! God, this is absurd!

    Daisy: Ridiciulous!

    [ they exit outside, as the scene closes ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Frida II

    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    Frida II

    …..Salma Hayek

    Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie “Chicago”. In fact, Mohammed’s apartment was littered with “Chicago” memorabilia.

    [ cut to Salm Hayek ]

    Salma Hayek: Hi, I’m Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie “Chicago”? [ hesitant ] No.. I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie “Frida” does not support terrorism.

    Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote “Frida”. Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek, with a personal check.

    SNL Transcripts

    No Smoking

    02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

    No Smoking

    Bartender…..Seth Meyers
    Red…..Bernie Mac
    Hedda…..Amy Poehler
    Jerry…..Jimmy Fallon

    [ open on interior, barroom, as Red sits glumly at the bar ]

    Bartender: Can I get you another one, Red?

    Red: Yeah.. give me another one. Bacardi Rum. And, tell me again – I don’t think I hear you good? I can’t smoke here?

    Bartender: You can’t smoke in any bar in New York City!

    Red: None at all?

    Bartender: Mayor’s new policy.

    Red: Ohhh, this is horrible! This is horrible! It’s just plain horrible!

    Bartender: Hey, I agree, Red – I think it sucks! It’s bad for business!

    Red: It’s bad for business?! It’s bad for freedom! This is America! I pay my taxes! I walk my dog! I pick up my poop! I’m a grown man! Damn, I’m upset! I need a cigarette! [ lights up a cigarette ]

    Bartender: Hey, hey, Red! [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, and puts it out ] Sorry, Red! No!

    Red: How you feel about it, Hedda.. how you feel about it?

    Hedda: I’ve been smoking for twenty years..

    Red: You never hurt nobody!

    Hedda: You know what I say? Mayor Mike is not the boss of me. He’s nuts! [ lights a cigarette ]

    Bartender: Hey! [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

    Hedda: Oh, come on, gorgeous.

    Red: Heyyyy, I’m a grown man! I vote! I cross the street at the light! I say please and thank you! I’m not killin’ nobody! I’m killin’ myself! And it’s my right! I need a cigarette!

    Bartender: No! [ a pause ] Listen, I think they’re just trying to cut down on second-hand smoke.

    Hedda: You know what? That’s crazy!

    Red: It is crazy!

    Hedda: It’s cuckoo!

    Red: Cuckoo!

    Hedda: Up yours, Mayor Mike! He don’t like second-hand smoke, ’cause he’s a second-hand Mayor! [ lights a cigarette ]

    Bartender: Alright.. alright.. alright.. [ promptly pulls the cigarette away from Hedda, and puts it out ]

    Hedda: Hey! Hey! You’re killing me, gorgeous!

    Red: Let me tell you something – back in the day, we coulda smoked in a nursery school!

    Hedda: That’s right!

    Red: My momma would pack a pack of Lucky Strikes in my lunchbox!

    Hedda: That right?

    Red: We would smoke in the hospital!

    Hedda: Amen.. amen to that..

    Red: Dammit! We could smoke in swimming pools!

    Hedda: Of course..

    Red: Back in the days, smoking was good for you!

    Hedda: Good for you..

    Red: It makes you run faster!

    Hedda: Run faster..

    Red: It makes you smarter! It makes you a better lover!

    Hedda: That’s right..

    Red: I need a cigarette! [ puts a cigarette in his mouth ]

    Hedda: [ takes the cigarette from Red’s mouth, puts it in her own mouth ] Let me tell you something – smokers do make your better lovers, or, as I like to say, puffers are good stuffers.

    Red: [ laughs, choking ]

    Bartender: [ takes the cigarette away from both of them ] Look, guys, if you wanna smoke, why don’t you just go outside?

    Hedda: Nooooooo!

    Red: I’m not going outside! I’m not going out there like no dog, or a Vietnamese!

    Hedda: No, I’m not gonna smoke outside, no way! You know why I don’t go outside?

    Red: Why?

    Hedda: There’s too much air!

    Red: Yeah!

    Hedda: [ choking, coughs up a whole cigarette ] Oh.. jackpot!

    Red: Yeah, yeah!

    [ Jerry enters ]

    Jerry: Hey Red.. hey, Hedda..

    Red: Hey!

    Hedda: Hey..! [ kisses Jerry on the cheek ]

    Bartender: [ as Jerry lights a cigarette ] Hey, sorry there, Jerry – no smoking.

    Jerry: But it’s after midnight.

    Bartender: Sorry.

    Jerry: These are lights.

    Bartender: Sorry.

    Jerry: Uh.. I have a doctor’s note.

    Bartender: Can’t do it.

    Jerry: But I’m a regular!

    Bartender: Nope!

    Jerry: I’ll light the other end.

    Bartender: Can’t!

    Jerry: I won’t exhale.

    Bartender: Sorry, Jerry.

    Jerry: [ holds up his hands awkwardly ] Dammit! If I’m not smoking, I don’t know what to do with my hands..

    Red: Hmm.. let me tell you something – I want to revolt! I want to vote all over again! I’m gonna storm City Hall! I’m gonna e-mail the President! I walk my dog! I need a cigarette!

    Jerry: [ still confused about the status of his hands ] Should I put ’em on my waist..? Or should I put ’em in my pockets, or something..? Does this look weird?

    Red: Besides! There is no medical evidence.. that proves smoking is bad for you!

    Hedda: There’s no medical evidence..

    Red: The only people that say that smokin’ is bad for you are scientists!

    Hedda: Right.

    Red: And doctors and tobacco companies! Who can you trust?!

    Hedda: Nobody.

    Jerry: [ still very confused about his hands’ current function ] Sh-should I clap? [ claps ] I mean.. wh-wh-what if I put ’em on my leg..? Should I put ’em in my mouth, maybe, uh..

    Hedda: Hey! I’ll tell you something.

    Red: Tell ’em!

    Hedda: A woman my age.. has earned the right.. to enjoy life’s little pleasures.

    Jerry: How old are ya, Hedda?

    Hedda: 25; 26.. in May, God willing.

    Red: Let the lady smoke!

    Bartender: Not in here!

    Jerry: I figured out what to do with my hands – I’ll see you later. [ exits bar ]

    Red: Well, you’d betty hurry, before they make that illegal!

    Hedda: That’s right..

    Bartender: Look, guys, I don’t want to get fired!

    Red: Let me tell you something – how much does the government hate us? What is the number? What is it costing us!

    Bartender: It’s a $200 fine.

    Red: Hey! Here you go! [ throws some money on the counter ] Right there! That’s eight dollars and twenty-five cents!

    Hedda: Eight dollars and twenty-five cents..

    Red: Whattaya say? Whattaya say?

    Bartender: No! I can’t do it!

    Hedda: Hey.. I’ll let you look under my dress.

    Bartender: [ thinks it over, then finally ] Okay. Just let me lock the door.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    The Falconer

    02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

    The Falconer

    The Falconer…..Will Forte
    The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher
    …..Tracy Morgan
    …..Ashton Kutcher
    …..Dean Edwards
    …..Lorne Michaels

    Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

    [ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

    The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!

    The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..

    Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.

    The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?

    The Falconer: If you must know..

    Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.

    [ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]

    The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!

    The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!

    The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!

    The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!

    The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!

    The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!

    [ Donald squawks ]

    The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]

    The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!

    [ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ] [ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ] [ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]

    The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!

    The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!

    [ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]

    The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!

    The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!

    [ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]

    The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!

    The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.

    The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..

    Announcer V/O: The Falconer!

    [ scene fades to black ] [ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]

    Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!

    Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!

    Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!

    Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.

    Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!

    Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!

    Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.

    Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?

    Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!

    Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?

    Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!

    Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!

    Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.

    Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?

    Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!

    Ashton Kutcher: [ laughs nervously ] Look.. don’t worry, Tracy..

    Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!

    Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..

    Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?

    Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!

    Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?

    [ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]

    Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!

    Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!

    Dean Edwards: Say what?

    Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!

    Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!

    Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!

    Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!

    Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!

    Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!

    Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?

    Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!

    Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.

    Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..

    Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.

    Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!

    Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.

    Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ] [ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]

    Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]

    Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]

    Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?

    Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.

    Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!

    Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ] [ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 20

    02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

    Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder

    Dan Aykroyd…..Sam Elliott
    Tom Davis…..Announcer


    [ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]

    Sam Elliott: Hi! I’m actor Sam Elliott! You’ve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — they’ll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.

    Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, I’ll actually go on-camera to tell you about it. That’s why I’m here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder.

    [ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder. ]

    Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. It’s simple to apply.

    [ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]

    Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!

    [ Sam settles the bottle down. ]

    Sam Elliott: And cool!!! That’s ‘cause it’s medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.

    [ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]

    Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.

    [ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacon’s Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]

    Sam Elliott: They’re in a handy travel pack and reusable!

    [ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]

    Sam Elliott: Ah! Now I’m itch-free! Time to go back to work…

    [ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ] [ TITLE CARD ]

    Announcer: Dr. Deacon’s Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.

    [ fade ]

    Submitted by: Cody Downs

    SNL Transcripts | Special Cable TV Promotions |

    Frida III

    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    Frida III

    …..Salma Hayek

    Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.

    First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.

    Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.

    Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.

    That said, we’d like to extend our-

    [ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]

    Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!

    Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.

    SNL Transcripts