Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: 2002-2003


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Starring:

  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    Give Up The Ham


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Give Up The Ham

    Jennifer…..Amy Poehler
    Aisha…..Queen Latifah
    Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
    Shantelle…..Maya Rudolph
    Charlene…..Tracy Morgan
    Emily…..Chris Kattan
    Butcher…..Will Forte
    Narrator…..Chris Parnell


    [Open on exterior of A&P supermarket] [Interior of supermarket, looking down food aisle. A conservatively-dressed white woman with shopping car enters from right, and a casually-dressed black woman with shopping cart enters from left. Each approaches a freezer case in the middle of the aisle and they simultaneously reach for a large ham lying inside.]

    Jennifer: [chuckles] Oh! Isn’t this funny?

    Aisha: Heh. It *sure* is…

    Jennifer: We both want this ham.

    Aisha: We sure did! Hehehe… Well, are you gonna let it go?

    Jennifer: Well, no. I mean, I got here first… so…

    Aisha: Girl, this is *my* ham!

    Jennifer: It’s *my* ham. My husband is bringing home some clients, somevery important clients, and I was going to serve ham. [they begin towrestle more over the ham] There! You thoroughly embarrassed me, so if you would just please…

    Aisha: Nuh-uh! I’m’a take this ham home, and I’m’a eat it! [ham-wrestling intensifies]

    Jennifer: Ma’am, it’s *my* ham…

    Aisha: Don’t you “Ma’am” me, Miss Smarty-Mouth!

    Jennifer: Okay, perfect. Are you satisfied?

    Aisha: I’ll be satisfied when you let go of my ham!

    Jennifer: Uh! I’d hardly expect you to understand this, but I was going to glaze this ham. Do you see what I have in my cart? There’s some cinnamon, some corn syrup, some light brown sugar, half a cup of apple cider… So there you have it, gimme the ham!…

    Aisha: Well, for your infor-fay-she-on, I was gonna put a half a pound of butter on this ham, and pineapple it, and stick mad cloves in it, and then I was gonna bake it, and then me an’ my peoples was gonna eat it. So there you have it…

    [Second conservatively dressed white woman enters from right]

    Sylvia: Oh! Jennifer! Jennifer Hastings!

    Jennifer: Sylvia Nash, my God…

    Sylvia: [looking incredulously at both women’s hands on the ham] What in heaven’s name?!…

    Jennifer: This woman won’t let go of my ham!

    Sylvia: [scolding] You let go of it immediately! That’s Jenny’s ham!

    Aisha: Shut up! I’m takin’ this ham!

    Jennifer: No you’re not…

    Sylvia: [reaching in to assist Mrs. Hastings] Give her the ham, you vulgar lady!

    [Second casually-dressed black woman enters from left]

    Shantelle: Aisha!

    Aisha: Shantelle!

    Shantelle: What you doin’, girl?

    Aisha: These two white bitches is tryin’ to steal my ham!

    Shantelle: Oh no they not! You better let go of that ham befo’ you get hit with it upside ya head!

    Sylvia: Oh, now listen both of you: Jennifer Hastings is one of the finest women I know. If she says that that is her ham, then I am sure that that is *her* ham!

    Jennifer: Thank you, Sylvia. Now let go of the ham!

    [Third casually-dressed black woman enters]

    Charlene: Aisha, Shantello!

    Aisha and Shantelle: [in unison] Hey Charlene!

    Charlene: Why is she pullin’ on that ham?

    Shantelle: ‘Cause it’s *hers*, and Martha Stewart over there won’t let go…

    Jennifer: [sighs]

    Charlene: Well just pull on it, girl — you got some pounds on her!

    Aisha: What you think I been tryin’ to do? She pullin’ on it like a pit bull!

    Jennifer: Uh! How dare you?! I have half a mind…

    Aisha: You let go of this ham!

    Jennifer: Not on your life! [imperiously] This ham will be glazed, in my Viking stove, on my Williams-Sonoma oven rack…

    [Third white woman enters from right, wearing tennis attire and carrying a racket]

    Emily: [approaching] Did I hear Jennifer Hastings?

    Jennifer: Oh! Emily! Thank God…

    Sylvia: Emily, it’s *beyond* horrific: poor Jennifer is about to lose her ham!

    Emily: Oh! [wagging finger] Let go of that ham! That ham belongs to myfriend Jennifer Hastings!

    Charlene: Ohhhh yeah, let me grab that ham! [reaches in to assist]

    Emily: [reaching over with tennis racket and swinging] Keep your hands off her ham!

    Jennifer: Uh! Let go!

    Aisha: You let go!

    Shantelle: You let go!

    Emily: Ham-stealer! You’re a ham-stealer!

    [arguing and wrestling continues] [Faint soulful/psychedelic music begins as long-haired man in butcher’sapron enters from rear left]

    Butcher: Stop it! Stop it this instant! [lights go down as he takes hamfrom between the two women and walks to the front of the freezer case]Everyone just needs to cooooooool out.

    [singing]Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    Oh yeah!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Peace and unity,
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    All right!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Brother loving brother,
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    Oh yeah!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    [raises ham over head] [Music continues, and ham combatants hum and sway with the music. Mandressed in suit and tie enters foreground from right]

    Narrator: Give up… the ham. Pretty powerful words. I can’t speak for the writer, but maybe this simple piece about a fight over a ham was more about people loving one another in these trying times.

    I *do* know this: the writer of this sketch would really like to thank the makers of Rheingold Beer for their generous offer this week. We don’t often get sent free stuff, so when a case of their very fine beer was delivered to the offices, this particular writer took it upon himself to enjoy the smooth taste of each bottle.

    Although he pounded the sketch out in ten minutes while drunk off his ass, I don’t think that takes away from the enduring message he’s brough forth tonight. So, yeah: let’s *do*… give up the ham. And thanks, Rheingold.

    [Man in suit cocks his head, makes double-gun motion with his hands, and exits. In background, ham combatants hug.]

    Thanks to Amanda for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    Profiles In Jazz


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Profiles In Jazz

    Jack Perkins…..Darrell Hammond
    Alberta Jones…..Queen Latifah
    Friend/Louis Armstrong…..Tracy Morgan
    Della Peyton…..Maya Rudolph
    Kelvyn Delongpre…..Fred Armisen
    Rufus Monroe…..Dean Edwards


    Announcer: You’re watching A&E, which means you’re old, or you’re asleep and accidentally rolled over onto the remote control. Coming up at 11:00 on A&E, it’s.. “Biography”: The Guy Who Played Dauber on “Coach”, Bill Fager- something.. But, first.. “Profiles In Jazz”.

    [ dissolve to the haggard-as-usual Jack Perkins on his part of the set, holding up a drink of something strong ]

    Jack Perkins: Welcome to “Profiles In Jazz”. I’m Jack Perkins. I used to host “Biography’, but, apparently, the pansies upstairs thought my drinking was becoming a problem. I don’t think I have a drinking problem! I drink, I get drunk; I pass out naked in the middle of the A&E Christmas party! No problemo! [ pause ] Anyway.. back in 1926, down in tiny Mecklenberg, Mississippi.. one of the biggest, most controverial voices in jazz was about to burst onto the scene. Miss Alberta Jones.

    [ dissolve to a remembrance by an anonymous friend ]

    Friend: I first saw Alberta Jones in 1924. I was walking down the street, and she had cracked me clean across the face with a Louisville Slugger! Now, she had thought I was the guy who stole her icebox! I did still her icebox! But the thing about Alberta was that she sang about things that other people wouldn’t – especially the females! [ laughing ] And I’m talking about sexual things here! Her songs were filled with sexual innuendos! Like that one song.. that one song.. “Milkman’s Blues”!

    [ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

    Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“The milkman came around
    Brought me a jar of his love.
    Yeah, he brought me fresh cream
    Said he wouldn’t wear no glove.
    Every time the milkman came around
    I knew I was gonna get laid!”

    [ dissolve to a remembrance by friend Della Peyton ]

    Della Peyton: Y-yeah, you see.. if you listen very carefully.. the song wasn’t just about a milkman delivering milk.. it was also about sexual intercourse, you see.. The part that gives it away is when she say she gonna get laid.. One of my favorites was a saucy little tune called “Joe The Plumber”.

    [ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

    Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“That man, Joe The Plumber
    He sure know how to lay your pipes.
    He can unclog my drain
    Up to ten times a night.

    Just to be clear,
    the drain refers to my sexual organs
    Hey, Mr. Plumber..
    Whaddaya say we hump?”

    [ dissolve to remembrance by jazz historian Kelvyn Delongpre ]

    Kelvyn Delongpre: The 20’s were a really transformative time for Jazz, and the African-American diaspora as a whole. These songs were a mode of reclaiming the sexuality that had long been suppressed by the social racial status quo.

    [ dissolve to remembrance by former lover Kelvyn Delongpre ]

    Kelvyn Delongpre: Yeah.. Alberta Jones was pretty much jusy a ho! I mean, she’d do the nasty with just about anyone! Man.. women.. old people.. cigar store Indian.. you name it!

    [ dissolve to another archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing in a smoky nightclub ]

    Alberta Jones: [ singing ]“Let’s make whoopee in a park
    Let’s make whoopee in a car
    Let’s make whoopee in a tree
    Ohh.. let’s make whoopee..In.. my.. butt!”

    [ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

    Jack Perkins: When she died at the age of 29, due to what scientists called a “perfect storm” of venereal diseases, Alberta left behind osme of the Blues’ most poetic and timeles classics. Songs like: “Butt Party”.. “I Don’t Do Oral”.. “Weiner Patrol”.. “Okay, Fine, I’ll Do Oral”.. “Autumn Nocturn”.. “Teabags For Two”.. Alright, I’m not reading the rest of these. Her most famous song, of course, was her duet with Louis Armstrong, called “Lovin’ You”.

    [ dissolve to archive black-and-white footage of Alberta Jones singing with Louis Armstrong ]

    Louis Armstrong: “Loving you baby is all I wanna do.”

    Alberta Jones: “Loving you baby is easy ‘cuz it’s true.”

    Louis Armstrong: “I’m gonna flip you over sideways, and..”[ A black “Censored” bar appears over Armstring’s mouth, followed by a long bleeping noise commonly heard when TV shows bleep out offensive language ] [ dissolve back to Jack Perkins ]

    Jack Perkins: We can’t show you any more of that twenty-four minute masterpiece! In fact, owning a copy of the recording is still a crime in several states! But, that was Alberta Jones. Songbird.. poetess.. legend.. old-fashioned ho bag. For A&E, I’m Jack Perkins. Nighty-nite!

    SNL Transcripts

    Queen Latifah’s Monologue


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Queen Latifah’s Monologue

    …..Queen Latifah
    Sebastian…..Horatio Sanz
    Sagamour…..Seth Meyers
    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands…..Maya Rudolph
    Sir Mix-A-Lot…..Tracy Morgan


    Queen Latifah: Yes! Thank you! Thank you very, very much! Oh, my God! It has been a crazy.. [ audience won’t stop clapping ] Alright. [ applause finally calms down ] I’ll tell you, it has been a crazy few months, yo! My movie “Bringing Down The House” out, it’s doing great! I did this movie “Chicago”, I got nominated for an Oscar! [ audience breaks into wild applause ] And it is great to be here in New York, but I want make sure I give it up to my peeples over in the illtown You know what I’m sayin’? You gotta remember where you come from!

    [ Shakespearean-like performers step forward and blow a trumpet fanfare ]

    Wha..?

    Sebastian: Queen Latifah! We have

    Queen Latifah: [ in heavy British accent ] Oh, my God! Sebastian! Sagamour! Now is not a good time!

    Sagamour: The Kingdom of Latifah is in peril! Hordes of marauders are attacking our borders!

    Queen Latifah: Oh, heavy hangs the head that wears the crown of the Kingdom of Latifah. Who dares attack the Latifians?!

    Sebastian: There are new threats from old enemies. And the townspeople of Nellyville are living in constant fer!

    Queen Latifah: Do you mean “fear”?

    Sebastian: They say fer!

    Sagamour: Meanwhile, there’s a wizardice named Missy Elliot – she speaks in tongues!

    Queen Latifah: Tongues?

    Sagamour: She keeps chanting.. “Bremenemin Nerhur! Bremenemin Nerhur!”

    Sebastian: On our northern borders, the armies have Cool J have returned to harass the Latifians!

    Sagamour: We never thought the House of Cool J would come back!

    Queen Latifah: Don’t call it a “comeback”! He’s been there for years! And what of the Latifian army?! Have you contacted the Fresh Prince?

    Sebastian: Yes! But, sadly, we’ve only heard back from DJ Jazzy Jeff. He calls a lot. I mean – a lot.

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Your Highness!

    Queen Latifah: My goodness.. it is my sister, the Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands.

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Please.. call me Cad Tlakwa. Your kingdom needs you. I don’t understand what you have to gain by dwelling amongst.. the commoners.

    Queen Latifah: I’m the ambassador from the Latifians to the rest of the world! That is why I became the First Lady of Hip Hop.

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: True.

    Queen Latifah: And, that’s why I did a show entitled.. “Living Single”.

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Ohhhhh! That was you?! That show was funny! Yeah! Tootie grew up cute, too!

    Queen Latifah: [ laughs ] Didn’t she, though! And that’s why I’m going to the Oscars!

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Baby girrrrl!! Who you sittin’ next to?

    Queen Latifah: Girl, Daniel Day-Lewis!

    The Royal Duchess of the Latifah Highlands: Mmm! Mmm! Love me that white sugar!

    [ Sir Mix-A-Lot, actually dressed as a knight in armor, makes his entrance ]

    Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yo, Queen! The enemy has been defeated!

    Queen Latifah: What?! What great news, Sir Mix-A-Lot!

    Sir Mix-A-Lot: Yeah, that’s good, but it took me a fortnight to get here on my Stallion Escalade! Got pulled over six times – a black man can’t own a white horse in this town!

    Queen Latifah: Oh, dear.. how can I ever repay you, Sir Mix-A-Lot?

    Sir Mix-A-Lot: I cannot lie. I like big butts! [ singing ] “I like big butts, and I cannot lie!

    Queen Latifah: Okay! Okay, Tracy, we get it! Okay, we got a great show for you tonight! Ms. Dynamite is here! Yeah! so, stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    Live! With Regis & Kelly


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Live! With Regis & Kelly

    Regis Philbin…..Darrell Hammond
    Kelly Ripa…..Amy Poehler
    Gelman…..Chris Kattan
    Frenchie Davis…..Queen Latifah


    [ open on show logo ]

    Announcer: It’s “Live! With Regis & Kelly!” Today, we’ve got controversial “American Idol” contestant, Frenchie Davis; from “Old School”, Dan Finnerty; plus: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia! Now, here are Regis Philbin and Kelly Ripa!

    [ to Regis & Kelly entering the set and taking their seats ]

    Regis Philbin: Well, well, well, well! Good morning, everybody!

    Kelly Ripa: Hellooooo!! Hello!

    Regis Philbin: Look who’s visiting us today from her maternity leave!

    Kelly Ripa: Good morning!

    Regis Philbin: [ getting right to the show, earnestly without interruption ] Have you seen the Post today? On Page..

    Kelly Ripa: You guys, I am still.. TIRED.. from that delivery!

    Regis Philbin: On Page.. On Page 3, it says “Ripa Rips One Out!” That’s the headline!

    Kelly Ripa: We thought there was only one baby in there.. but there was a litter of EIGHT BABIES in my belly!

    Regis Philbin: They’re writing articles about the delivery!

    Kelly Ripa: And I delivered them without psinkillers!

    Regis Philbin: People have babies every day! It’s not that unusual!

    Kelly Ripa: And, the next day, I shot a shampoo commercial! [ laughs ]

    Regis Philbin: Now.. I’ve been in television 51 years..

    Kelly Ripa: Hoo, my mom is 51!

    Regis Philbin: I never once got press like this! Not one time!

    Kelly Ripa: Never!

    Regis Philbin: Well, anyway.. I understand you brought some.. pictures of the new babies?

    Kelly Ripa: Yes. This is Jake..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Adorable.

    Kelly Ripa: This is Lily..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Precious.

    Kelly Ripa: This is Wakeem..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Oh, my.

    Kelly Ripa: This is Maggie..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: So cute!

    Kelly Ripa: This is Mark, Jr..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Sweetheart.

    Kelly Ripa: This is Gracie..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Gorgeous.

    Kelly Ripa: This is Consuela..

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Adorable!

    Kelly Ripa: And this is Pee-Wee!

    [ show picture of baby ]

    Regis Philbin: Not that cute. Well, that’s terrific. [ looks offscreen ] How are you today, Gelman?

    [ cut to Gelman standing next to the camera, wearing a gay Mexican sombrero ]

    Gelman: I’m great, Reege!

    Regis Philbin: What’d you do this weekend, Gelman?

    Gelman: Well, my wife has that flu that’s going around.. so, I took in a few piano bars.

    Regis Philbin: Alright, uh.. who’s our first guest today, Gelman?

    Gelman: Frenchie Davis.

    Kelly Ripa: Ah! She has such a good voice, Reege!

    Regis Philbin: Yeah. She got kicked off “American Idol”, and this girl is good. I mean, she could have been the next Sarah Vaughn!

    Kelly Ripa: [ laughing ] I don’t know who that is, Regis! WHO IS THAT?!!

    Regis Philbin: [ stunned silence at first ] Please welcome.. [ Kelly wraps her arms around Regis’ torso ] Careful, or we’ll BOTH get pregnant! [ Kelly giggles ] Please welcome Frenchie Davis!

    [ Frenchie Davis enters set and sits across from Regis & Kelly ]

    Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie!

    Regis Philbin: Frenchie, welcome to the show.

    Frenchie Davis: Thank you for having me, Reggie.

    Regis Philbin: Now, for those of you who don’t know, Frenchie was a leading contender on “American Idol”, when, all of a sudden, she pops her bobs out on a dirty website, and she gets disqualified!

    Frenchie Davis: That’s right, Reggie. ‘Cause you know, FOX is such a classy network, I guess my.. my intimate pictorial was a little too risque for them. But, if y’all want to see it, go to cocoajugs.com!

    Regis Philbin: Have you seen this? The internet website? In my day, if you wanted to see naked ladies, you had to put on your coat, get change for a quarter, and walk down to 42nd St. Am I right, Gelman?

    Gelman: [ shaking head, smiling ] I wouldn’t know, Reege!

    Regis Philbin: Frenchie, why did you do it? Why did you pose topless?

    Frenchie Davis: Because, Reggie.. I mean.. I may not have long, blonde hair, or be a slender 160 pounds.. but I love my body! I love it! I really do. And I think I’m very sexy! And, also, depending on where you at in life, $25 can seem like a lot of money, you know what I’m saying?

    Regis Philbin: But you got disqualified!

    Kelly Ripa: Oh, it is so unfair, Reege. ‘Cause so many stars posed nude on the way up. Madonna, Vaness Williams..

    Regis Philbin: Jayne Mansfield.

    Kelly Ripa: Ugh! I don’t know who that is, Reege! [ wrapping her arms all over Regis’ body, practically copping a seductive feel ] Who is that! [ wraps her left leg across Regis’ lap ] Who is she!

    [ at this point, Darrell Hammond does what he can to refrain from laughing at Amy Poehler’s over-the-top portrayal of Kelly Ripa ]

    Regis Philbin: I don’t remember! Alright.. now.. alright.. Frenchie.. Simon Cowell. Simon Cowell, is he really mean or is he a nice guy?

    Frenchie Davis: Hmm.. well, Reggie, I never had a prblem with Simon, ’cause I can sang. You know, I’m not like some of these rhyme-star Nikki McKibbin mofos!

    Regis Philbin: A bunch of mofos!

    Kelly Ripa: You know.. I bet Simon’s a lot like you, Reege.. he seems really gruff and grumpy, but, deep down, he’s just as cute as a little bug’s ear, Big Daddy! [ pinches Regis’ cheeks ]

    Regis Philbin: Gelman.. Am I cute as a bug’s ear, Gelman?

    Gelman: Don’t go there, Reege!

    Kelly Ripa: Now, Frenchie.. Frenchie.. are they gonna bring you back on “American Idol”, right at the end? ‘Cause I think that would be great! As like a surprise twist!

    Frenchie Davis: Well.. the way I left it with the people at FOX was.. if they wanted me to come back on the show, they could contact my natural black ass!

    [ Regis and Kelly laugh uproariously ]

    Regis Philbin: [ peers straight at the camera, arms extended ] That’s wonderful!

    Kelly Ripa: Okay, alright.. Frenchie, would you sing something for us today.. please? Please?

    Regis Philbin: Please, Frenchie.

    Frenchie Davis: [ talked into it ] Okay.. sure. This is my signature song. It’s from “Dream Girls”. Hit it!
    [ singing ]“And I am telling you
    I’m not going.
    No, you’re the best man I’ll ever know.
    There’s no way I can ever go.
    No, no, no, no way.”

    [ show Gelman bouncing his head happily ]

    “No, no, no, no way I’m living without you.No, I’m not living without you…”

    Regis Philbin: That’s incredible! That’s so loud!

    [ Kelly re-enters frame, with noticeable weight suddenly in her stomach ]

    Kelly Ripa: Oh, my God! Look what happened!

    Frenchie Davis: [ still singing ]“Oh!
    She knocked up again!
    Knocked up again..!”

    Regis Philbin: When we come back: Wild, Wild Travel Trivia!

    Frenchie Davis: [ continues to sing ]“Wild Travel Trivia!
    Wiiiiilllldd..”

    [ cue logo card, fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Mr. Rogers Tribute


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Mr. Rogers Tribute

    …..Horatio Sanz


    [ Horatio Sanz enters main stage dressed in yellow sweater and tie, like Mr. Rogers ]

    Horatio Sanz: Last week, we, uh.. all lost a good friend. Someone who meant a lot to me when I was growing up.

    [ sits on stage apron, and sings ]

    “You are my friend, you are special.
    You are my friend, you’re special to me.
    You are the only one like you.
    Like you, my friend, I like you.

    In the daytime, in the nighttime,
    Anytime that you feel’s the right time
    For a friendship with me, you see,
    F-R-I-E-N-D special.

    You are my friend, you’re special to me.
    There’s only one in this wonderful world.
    You.. are.. special.”

    Thanks, Mr. Rogers!

    [ Trolley rolls on track across stage past Horatio ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Tina Fey
    …..Jimmy Fallon
    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed…..Horatio Sanz
    Dustin Hoffman…..Jeff Richards
    Trevor the Broadway Guy…..Chris Parnell


    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

    Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

    In a prime-time press conference Thursday night, President Bush waid that, when it comes to attacking Iraq, “We really don’t need anybody’s permission.” Then, he went like this: [ mimes pointing guns in the air, making shooting sound effects ]

    Starting tomorrow, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole will appear in a series of televised debates on “60 Minutes”. The debates will serve to remind Americans what “real” leaders sound like when they talk.

    An original work by Saladore Dali has been stolen, from the lobby of the men’s jail at Riker’s Island. When asked how this could happen, a spokesman for the city explained, “We put a priceless piece of art in a prison.”

    This past weekend, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica gave birth to their second child. His name is Julian, and it’s still unclear what the deal with him is.

    Tina Fey: Last week, CIA agents, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, captured Al Quada Operations Chief Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

    Jimmy Fallon: Here now, with a Weekend Update exclusive.. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Thanks for having me!

    Tina Fey: Okay. So, as Al-Quada’s Operations Officer, are you the key to finding Osama bin Laden?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: That’s a good question. But, first, there’s something mroe important I’d like to address. [ holds up press photo of himself, in all his squallid glamour ] Is the best picture you could find of me? Come on, man, look at this! You don’t drag someone out of bed at four in the morning and take their picture, dude! This is ridiculous!

    Jimmy Fallon: You know, you haven’t.. you haven’t really answered the question..

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah, look at this! I look like ron Jeremy in a pillowcase, man! Aw, seriously, bro! I look like the “Time to make the donuts” guy! You know, of Dunkin Donuts?

    Tina Fey: [ joining in the fun ] You look like a reject from “My Big Fat Greek Weding”!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: [ pleased with the comment ] Ohhhh, topical! Yeah, that’s a good one, Tina Fey! Yes, I am one hairy dude, man. Yes. I make Robin Williams look like Bull from “Night Court”!

    Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Bull from “Night Court”?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah! You know, the big bald one, man!

    Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know, I got the joke! What’s going on with the, uh.. t-shirt collar there? What, is he trying to bring back the scoop-neck t-shirt?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Aw, give me a break, bro.. be cool. Those are my jammies, man! I like to get comfy, you know, in my bed. Aw, man.. I look like a Mario Brother had sex with a Brillo Pad, man! Come on!

    Tina Fey: Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, everybody!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Not cool, man!

    Thursday marks the first flight of Hooters Air – a low-cost airline that will feature young women in hotpants and tank tops serving snacks. And, in the event of an emergency, the women can be used as a floatation device.

    Thanksgiving came early this year, as Macy’s new Aretha Franklin balloon made its way down Central Park West. [ show image of Aretha Franklin balloon sideways held by strings over the street ]

    New Hampshire public health officials have initiated a program to help reduce health care costs associated with falls by the elderly. The program is called Just Sit There Until You Die.

    It was anounced this week that Kevin Bacon has signed on to star in “The Woodsman”, in which he plays a chld molester recently released from prison. Even weirder, it’s the sequel to “Footloose”.

    Tina Fey: In honor of Women’s history month, the Women’s museum of Dallas has developed a list of 10 influential women in U.S. history, and put their images on a series of trading cards. Hey, kids! It’s the Great women of U.S. History! Collect all.. ten!

    Jimmy Fallon: According to new federal statistics, San Antonio has the largest percentage of obese adults in the United States. Remember the Alamo? More like, Remember the a la Mode! [ laughs ]

    Tina Fey: I hate you.

    Jimmy Fallon: A totally good one, right!

    Tina Fey: Idiot.

    [ a knock is heard offscreen ]

    Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my God! Tina, is there someone at the Update door?

    Tina Fey: Yeah! I’ll get it! [ opens the door ] Oh, Jimmy, look who it is! It’s Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman! Fresh from the Grammys!

    Dustin Hoffman: Hi, Tina, how are you? Look, I want to be very, very, very clear to you that, uh.. [ makes his laughter-sniff ] I, uh.. I didn’t host the Grammys.

    Tina Fey: But, you were there.. right? There’s a lot of.. big stars, and..

    Dustin Hoffman: The Grammys.. were hosted by New York! In New York.. City! Just like.. Weekend Update isn’t hosted by any one person.. [ laughter-sniff ] It’s hosted by New York.. and the people.. are the Grammys.. of New York City! [ claps ] New York! Grammys!

    Tina Fey: Actually.. Jimmy and I host Weekend Update. We host Weekend Update.

    Dustin Hoffman: [ laughter-sniff ] Just because.. I’m up here.. doesn’t mean I’m hosting Weekend Update, Tina. [ laughter-sniff ] The Grammys.. the Grammys.. are hosting.. Weekend Update.. in New York! New York.. Grammy City.. Grammy! York! And New York! Grammys!

    Jimmy Fallon: I’ve seen the Grammys, I know what to do.. Hey, Dustin, uh.. why don’t you just introduce the band? Introduce the band, will’ya?

    Dustin Hoffman: Oh.. [ laughter-sniff ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Bruce.. String-bean.. and the Easy Street Band.. and New York! The greatest city in New York! The Grammys!

    Tina Fey: Dustin Hoffman, everybody!

    Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, Dustin.

    The record for Longest Marriage was broken this week, when a pair of childhood sweethearts celebrated their 79th wedding anniversary. Reached for comment, the husband said, “Dear God, when is this excruciating hell gonna end?”

    Chazz Palminteri will star in more Vanilla Coke commercials, starting March 11th. It’s a smart move by Coke, because I think most Americans say to themselves “I want to drink what Chazz Palminteri drinks.”

    Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, 18 musicals were shut down on Broadway, so musicians went on strike and actors refused to cross the picket line..

    [ Trevor the Broadway Guy suddenly jumps in front of the Update desk, dressed a piano keys scarf ]

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“When I was four years old
    I saw my first Broadway shoooow
    Com-pan-yyyyy!!
    I guess you could say I caught
    the bu-u-u-u-u-ugg!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Great.. it’s Trevor the Broadway Guy..

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“The lights!
    The dancers!
    The musiiiiicc!
    Where’s the music?
    Where is the musiiiic?
    Where did the music goooooo?

    Pre-recorded music’s from the pit
    That’s the pits!

    Tina Fey: Okay, Trevor, that’s enough..

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“Broadway is live!
    And live, it should be!
    Nothing should be canned
    except maybe pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace.
    And pea-ea-eace.
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eace!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Enough!! Trevor the Broadway Guy, everybody.

    A woman has filed a $35 million lawsuit against “Lord of the Dance” star Michael Flatley, alleging that he attacked and sexually assaulted her – apparently without ever using his arms.

    “Married By America” contestant, Denise, is expected to be removed from FOX’s new reality series, after it was revealed that she is still married. Meanwhile, Candy was thrown off of FOX’s “Vagina Auction” for having dude parts.

    Jimmy Fallon: It’s a good episode this week.

    Tina Fey: Yeah. It was a good “Vagina Auction” this week.

    Jimmy Fallon: Big ratings.

    A group of students at Harvard University caused controversy by sculpting a nine-foot penis out of ice on campus. The sculpture had to be taken down after ten Wellesley girls got their tongues stuck to it.

    Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

    [ Jimmy is about the throw his pencil, but Thomas Jefferson comes along and takes it to sign a copy of the Constitution ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Where Are They Now?


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Where Are They Now?

    Darcell…..Maya Rudolph
    Margie…..Queen Latifah
    Barbara…..Amy Poehler


    Voiceover: You knew their names, you loved their songs.. you watched them on TV.. but “Where Are They Now“?

    The year was 1964, and there was only one name on everybody’s list: “The Cherylettes. Just when it seemed like the dance craze fad had run its course, this bubbly trio breathed new life back into it, with the dance known as.. “The Wiggle”.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes, in black-and-white, on dance stage ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Doin’!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’ doin’ doin’ doin’
    Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle
    Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle
    Doin’ The Wiggle!
    Hey!”

    Voiceover: The pressure was on. Could The Cherylettes come up with another dance hit? At the advice of their managers, they released their next single two months later. Teenagers and critics thought the second song was.. a little rushed.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes on “Hullabaloo” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Put your heel in your palm
    Put your leg in the air
    Hold it while you bounce
    Then bounce it everywhere
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!”

    Voiceover: Response.. was tepid at best. Immediately, the girls went back into the studio to cut a new track. Two hours later, and $63 over budget, they thought they struck gold with their new dance single.. “Party”.

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Walkin’ to a party!
    Yeah yeah!
    Put your hands in two fists
    Yeah yeah!
    Swing your arms around like a windmill
    Close your eyes and roam around the room!
    Close your eyes and roam around the room
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!”
    Don’t forget to-

    [ teenagers in the studio attempt to duplicate the dance moves, but end up accidentally punching one another ]

    Voiceover: “Party”.. was not a hit. In the summer of 1965, Darcell – the creative force behind the group – had a nervous breakdown.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminiscing about those crazy days ]

    Margie: Now, after “The Wiggle” came out, we bought wild, expensive stuff! I mean, I bought three Frigidaires! I mean, I bought each one of my cousins a house!

    Barbara: Mmm. I bought a tiger.

    Margie: Child, she bought a tiger!

    Barbara: Mmm-hmm.

    Margie: We was broke as hell. And I guess, Darcell.. she had snapped under the pressure.

    Barbara: Mmm mmm mmm..

    Margie: Started writing back checks and shooting at people.

    Barbara: Mmm.

    Margie: Oh!

    Voiceover: The law caught up with Darcell in 1966. She spent a year in the state penitentiary.. for throwing a brick at Dick Clark. After her release in 1967, the girls took one more shot at dance craze mortality. But Darcell just wasn’t the same.

    [ The Cherylettes appear on “The Ed Sullivan Show” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Find yourselllllf
    A piece of metal!
    Then some wooooood
    For the handle!
    Elecrical taaaaaape
    Hold them together!
    Sharpennnnnn it
    Into a point, now!
    You’ve made yourself a shank!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!
    Shank, baby, yeah!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!
    Hooooo!”

    Voiceover: It was a disastrous evening. Darcell tried to stab Ed Sullivan, live, on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. and then The Cherylettes broke up forever.

    Today, Darcell Chambers resides in the New Jersey State Penitentiary, where she continues to write music.

    [ dissolve to dissolve behind bars of her prison cell ]

    Darcell: I told those bitches I needed some time off! But I’ve been doin’ real good since I bin in jail. See, I bin writin’ songs, like.. mmm.. let’s see, I don’t know.. “Happy Birthday”? Or, uh.. “Thriller”.. or, “The Theme to The Greatest American Hero”.. or, how ’bout “The Robot National Anthem”? [ singing ] “Robot! Nally!” [ makes shooting sound effects ]

    Voiceover: Margie and Barbara.. left the music business.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminsicing again ]

    Margie: I don’t miss it! I mean, The Cherylettes will always be a part of me. I keep it right here. [ puts hand over heart ] But I don’t miss a thing about it.

    Barbara: You know what I miss? The money and the sex!

    Margie: [ laughing ] I do miss that, too! But you was always more of a ho than me!

    [ they share the laugh ]

    Voiceover: Barbara.. has a new career in the fitness industry. She works as an extra in “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos with Richard Simmons.

    [ show still photo of Margie on cover of Richard Simmons’ video ]

    And Margie went on to fame as the mother of Baby Jessica.

    [ show Barbara standing in front of a well ]

    Way to wither, ladies.. way to wither.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Salma Hayek: 03/15/03


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 15th, 2003

    Salma Hayek

    Christina Aguilera

    Edward Norton

  • Bush Press Conference

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) takes questions from magazines.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Salma Hayek’s Monologue

    Chris Kattan and back-up 80’s band sing “We Belong” to Hayek.

  • Top O’ The Morning

    William’s (Seth Meyers) Mexican girlfriend (Hayek) clashes with show.

    Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

  • TV Funhouse

    Classic cartoon characters compete on “Are You Hot?”

  • Versace Oscar Special

    Versace (Maya Rudolph) dishes on Oscar fashion diasters.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Michael Jackson.

  • The Box

    Hiding in box, husband (Will Forte) catches wife (Hayek) with lover (Jimmy Fallon).

  • Frida I

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for plaigerizing the Broadway musical.

  • Christina Aguilera performs “Beautiful”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Ferecito (Fred Armisen) & wife (Hayek) practice their new comedy routine.

    Aril Lavigne (Amy Poehler) makes her punk presence known during visit.

    Gollum (Chris Kattan) makes his own unique Oscar picks.

    Jimmy Fallon sings Top 40-inspired St. Patrick’s Day songs.

  • Seduction Class

    Sexy teacher (Hayek) helps adult students become bolder with their presence.

    Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

  • Frida II

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for supporting terrorism.

  • The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

    Downstairs couple (Hayek, Tracy Morgan) deal with King Kong’s dong.

  • Christian Aguilera performs “Fighter”

  • Frida III

    “Chicago” defends itself, but Hayek spreads slander further.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • The Box


    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    The Box

    Monica….Salma Hayek
    Jonathan…..Jimmy Fallon
    Ray…..Will Forte


    [ open on couple entering front room of house. An oversized box sits on the floor in the foreground of scene. ]

    Monica: Mmm.. I had such a good time tonight!

    Jonathan: Me, too! You’re really amazing.

    Monica: I never thought I could feel like this..

    Jonathan: I like what’s happening here.

    Monica: Yeah, me too. [ they kiss ]

    Jonathan: [ notices the box, stares at it ] What’s with this box?

    Monica: [ like it’s nothing ] Oh, somebody mailed something to my loser husband..

    Jonathan: You don’t think he has any idea what’s going on with us, do you?

    Monica: [ laughs ] Oh, puh-leez! That ignoramous doesn’t suspect a thing!

    Ray: [ voice muffled, because he’s inside the box ] He does NOW!!

    [ Monica and Jonathan are startled by the yell, unable to determine where it’s coming from ]

    Monica: Ray?? Where are you?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Right here! [ top of the excessively-taped box pushes up, but Ray doesn’t break through ] Right here.. [ tries again to break through, but, no dice ] I’m in the BOX!!

    Monica: What the ,b>hell are you doing in the box?! I thought you went to Cleveland!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I WAS!! But I mailed myself HOME, to lay this little TRAP for you!! And NOW.. after lying in wait for 28 hours.. the TRAP IS SPRUNG!! HAA!!

    Monica: 28 hours?? Where have you been going to the bathroom?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] THAT’S.. between ME and the BOX!!

    Monica: [ annoyed ] Ray! How could you do this?! How could you spy on us?!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Look, I am the one asking the questions NOW!! Okay? You guys tohught you were SO-O SMART, sneaking around behind my BACK!! Well, look who’s the smart one NOW!! I am!! ME!! [ tries again to push his way out of the box, but still no luck ]

    Monica: [ snidely ] You need a little help getting out of your.. box.. Einstein?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I will be MORE than fine without your help, thank you!! [ still faces great difficulty finding his way out of the box ] MORE than fine!!

    Monica: Well.. suit yourself. Let’s go, Jonathan.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] WHAT?!! So, THAT’s it?! So, you’re just LEAVING me?!

    Jonathan: [ like an ass ] Uh, yeah! She’s leaving you, dude!

    Ray: STAY out of this, JACKASS!!

    Jonathan: Jackass, huh? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my FACE?!!

    Ray: SPECIAL DELIVERY!! One ASS-KICKING coming up!! [ Ray bounces the box in Jonathan’s direction, practically a fraction of a centimenter at a time ]

    Monica: Ray, don’t do this.. [ Ray continues to bounce the box closer to Jonathan ] Oh..

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] How CLOSE am I to your FACE?!

    Jonathan: You’re closer! You’re still not very close.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Okay, hang on a second.. [ attempts to bounce the box a little closer ]

    Jonathan: [ aggravated at the nature of events ] Here! I’ll make it easy on ya! [ swaggers right up to the box ] Here I AM!! Now, ROLL THE DICE, BITCH-ASS!!

    Ray: EAT THIS!!

    [ Ray punches his fist and arm out of the right corner of the box. Jonathan immediately begins to punch the hell out of the box. ]

    Monica: [ trying to break the two men apart ] Stop it! Stop it!! Enough!! You’re both acting like children!! That’s IT!! That’s IT!! GoodBYE, Ray!! [ starts to storm out of the house with Jonathan in tow ]

    Ray: Wait, Monica!! Hold on!!

    Monica: What?!

    Ray: I just want to say one last thing..

    Monica: [ sighs ]

    Ray: [ pokes his head out of the corner of the box ] Mon, you look very nice tonight..

    Monica: Look.. it’s too late for sweet talk, Ray. Now, what do you want?

    Ray: I want you to come over here.. and give me one last kiss.. and tell me that you don’t feel anything.

    Jonathan: [ anxious to leave ] No, no.. we’re leaving! Come on, Monica, let’s go..

    Monica: No, no, Jonathan.. it’s okay. [ bends down in front of the box, and kisses her husband passionately ] Mmm.. that was nice.. It almost felt like.. it used to feel.

    Ray: [ lasciviously ] You know, uh.. I’m naked in here.

    Monica: [ the final straw ] Have a nice life, Ray!

    Jonathan: [ sadistically ] Yeah! Have a nice life, Ray!

    Ray: Flip off, you flippin’ DOUCHE!!

    Jonathan: NOO!!! Flip YOU, you MOTHERFLIPPER!! You want some of THIS?!!

    Ray: Let’s DANCE, FLIP-TURKEY!!

    [ Jonathan runs back over and begins to kick the hell out of the box ]

    Monica: [ pulling jonathan away from the box ] Oh! Stop it! Stop it!! You’re tearing it the FLIP apart!! Stop it! That’s IT, okay?!! We’re leaving! Goodbye, Ray!!

    Ray: You’re walking out that door and you’re never coming back?!!

    Monica: [ sarcastically ] Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to cry!

    [ Monica and Jonathan exit the house ]

    Ray: [ solemnly, in the audience’s direction ] Well, there goes the love of my life. This box should have been marked “fragile”. And, by “this box”, I mean.. my heart.. And what hurts even more is that she left with that ASSSSS!!

    Jonathan: [ runs back into the room ] I HEARD that, you SONOFABITCH!!

    [ the scuffle continues, as scene fades ]

    SNL Transcripts