Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.
Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] “Chicago” is dazzling. The movie of the year. 15 Golden Globes. “Chicago” is destined for Oscar gold. Or.. is it?
[ cut to Salm Hayek ]
Salma Hayek: Hello, I’m Salma Hayek. The movie “Chicago” is nominated for 13 Academy Awards. But, let’s look at the facts. “Chicago” is only 113 minutes long, while other nominated movies – for example, “Frida” – is 118 minutes long. Whats the matter, “Chicago”? Couldnt you come up with five more minutes? And, here’s what they won’t tell you about “Chicago”: a musical play with the exact same name and story.. has been running on Broadway for years! I call that.. plaigerism. So, this Oscar season, don’t vote for plaigerism; vote for “Frida”.
Announcer: “Chicago”‘s won plenty of stuff already. Vote “Frida”. Submitted for your consideration by Salma Hayek.
Black Guy #1…..Tracy Morgan Black Guy #2…..Bernie Mac Shusher…..Rachel Dratch Male Moviegoer #1…..Chris Parnell Male Moviegoer #2…..Seth Meyers Female Moviegoer…..Amy Poehler Male Moviegoer #3…..Fred Armisen
[ open on theater marquee, with titles: “The Pianist” “A Man Apart” “Head Of State” “Phone Booth” “Boat Trip” “Old School” ] [ dissolve to interior, dark theater during showing of “The Piano”. Pair of black men begin to talk throughout the movie, disturbing the white people around them. ]
Black Guy #1: I don’t wanna watch this, man! I wanna see that Vin Diesel movie, man!
Black Guy #2: Well, if you’d been here on time, I could have got the tickets.
Black Guy #1: I thought you were gonna get ’em from Movie Phone?
Black Guy #2: Yeah, but they don’t take J.C. Penney cards.
Black Guy #1: What the hell is this movie, anyway?!
Black Guy #2: It’s “The Pianist”.
Black Guy #1: What’s it about?
Black Guy #2: [ unsure ] I don’t know.. I guess a pianist.
Black Guy #1: So, who the guy with the big nose?
Black Guy #2: He’s the pianist.
Black Guy #1: So, he play the piano?
[ angered, a white male moviegoer sitting in front turns around them interrupts ]
Male Moviegoer #1: Yes! He’s the pianist!
[ the two black guys turn to look at the moviegoer, annoyed by the intrusion of their private conversation ]
Black Guy #2: Do you have a problem, man? Something wrong with you?
Male Moviegoer #1: No! I’m just.. trying to watch the movie..
Black Guy #2: [ pointing in front, toward the movie screen ] Well, the movie over there, the movie not back here! You better turn around! [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No.
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: [ yelling at the screen ] Don’t go in there, Sbil Man!!
Black Guy #2: You gotta watch your BACK, Sbil Man!! [ perplexed that the character on the screen didn’t heed his warning ] Oh, come on, Sbil Man, they want to getchoo, man!
[ Male and Female Moviegoers in upper row turn lean in to interrupt ]
Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, could you guys please be quiet?
Female Moviegoer: Yeah, you’re ruining it for everybody..
Black Guy #2: No, the Nazis ruined it for everybody!
Male Moviegoer #1: I don’t believe this.. I don’t believe it..
Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No.
[ they return their eyes to the screen, now more perplexed ]
Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, hell no..!
Black Guy #1: You Nazis are PISSING ME OFF, man!! [ throws his popcorn at the screen ]
Male Moviegoer #3: Guys? Look.. I don’t want to keep you from enjoying this movie, but, uh.. I’m here with my grandfather. Okay? And he actually lived in the Warsaw ghetto, so..
Black Guy #2: Ohhhh, man? For real?
Male Moviegoer #3: Yeah.
Black Guy #2: [ over to the elderly grandfather ] You from Warsaw ghetto? We from the ghetto, too, man! Right on, baby! [ makes a Black Power fist gesture at the elderly grandfather, who makes a serious Black Power fist right back ] [ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “30 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: I learned a LOT about myself through your story, Sbil Man!!
Black Guy #2: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah! You know, Jews and blacks, they ain’t that different, after all. You know that?
Male Moviegoer #1: [ raises his arms in surrender ] You know? I give up! They make good points, but it’s ruining my experience!
Female Moviegoer: Yeah. Mine, too!
Shusher: I want my money back..
Black Guy #1: Sssshhhh! I can’t hear Sbil Man!
Male Moviegoer #2: Hey, if anyone is interested, there’s a showing of that Vin Diesel movie in ten minutes!
[ everyone else exits the theater ]
Black Guy #2: [ to his friend ] Did he touch you?
Black Guy #1: No!
[ dissolve to exterior, marquee, with SUPER: “45 Minutes Later” ] [ dissolve back to interior, dark theater ]
Black Guy #1: That was a great movie, man!
Black Guy #2: I’m speechless.
Black Guy #1: [ they methodically begin to clap in unison ]
Black Guy #2: Sbil Man!
Black Guy #1: You go, Sbil Man!
Black Guy #2: Don’t worry, Sbil Man! The Nazis can’t take your Oscar away, baby!
Count Chocula…..Jimmy Fallon Wife…..Rachel Dratch Doctor…..Will Forte
[ Open on shots of seniors playing horseshoes, then eating breakfast in the morning, as pleasant music plays ]
Jingle:It’s a golden way, to start your golden day …
Male V/O: Breakfast has always been the most important meal of the day. But in our later years, we need a cereal specially formulated to meet our changing needs.
[ Shot of cereal being poured into a bowl ]
Male V/O: So, if you’re an active senior looking to start the day right …
[ Shot of the product ]
Male V/O: … reach for a bowl of new Count Chocula Silver.
[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula in the front yard, playing fetch with his dog ]
Count Chocula: Atta boy, puppy, good dog. [ walks towards the camera ] Hi! I’m Count Chocula.
[ SUPER: “COUNT CHOCULA / Corporate Spokesman, Active Senior” ]
Count Chocula: You know, when you get to be my age, people start telling you to slow down. But the way I see it, I’m just getting started. Bwa-ah-ah-ah!
[ Dissolve to: Count Chocula indoors, at the table ]
Count Chocula: That’s why I developed new Count Chocula Silver. [ Close-up of the box ] It’s got the fiber and vitamins seniors need to reduce cholesterol and the risk of heart disease, because like it or not, there comes a time when you need to consider your health. [ he sets the box on the table ] You see, awhile back, I had a real scare.
[ Count Chocula narrates flashbacks of himself as somber music plays: he wakes up in the middle of the night and clutches his abdomen; he gets examined by the doctor ]
Count Chocula V/O: I was waking up with cramps. I was sluggish and irregular. I went to see my doctor and he told me that he was going to have to run some tests.
[ In the doctor’s office, the doctor displays a chart detailing the risk factor of Men, Vampires, and Chocolate Vampires ]
Count Chocula V/O: He said many men my age were at high risk for colon cancer, and that, as a Chocolate Vampire, my risk could be even higher.
[ He sits in the examination room, looking nervous ]
Count Chocula V/O: I’ll be honest … I was scared.
[ Back to him in the kitchen ]
Count Chocula: I mean, I’m 178 years old and … all I’ve ever eaten is sugar-coated crap. [ holds up a bowl ] Bowls of it.
[ Back to the examination room ]
Count Chocula V/O: When the doctor said he had the test results, my life flashed before my eyes. But then he said, [ the doctor mouths the words ] “Count Chocula, you’re fine.“
[ Back to Count Chocula sitting at the table with the cereal. The happy music resumes ]
Count Chocula: And I intend to stay that way, by keeping my colon healthy. You see, Count Chocula Silver works with your body, to keep you regular, gently softening your stool, while adding bulk to your movements for easier elimination. Plus … it has kooky marshmallow bats! Bwa-ah-ah-ah-ah! [ becomes serious ] Your health is your future. Make sure you’re around to enjoy it.
[ His wife and grandkids approach him as he eats, and he does his trademark laugh again. They all gather for a generic happy pose, followed by a final shot of the product ]
Jingle:…Count Chocula Silver!
Male V/O: Brought to you by General Mills, makers of Frankenberry for Post-Menopausal Women.
Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] On March 7th, CIA operatives, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, apprehended Al-Quaida mastermind Khalid Shaikh Mohammed. In his Pakistani apartment, authorities found address books, computer hard drives, and one DVD. A DVD of the movie “Chicago”. In fact, Mohammed’s apartment was littered with “Chicago” memorabilia.
[ cut to Salm Hayek ]
Salma Hayek: Hi, I’m Salma Hayek. Can I conclusively say that there is a link between Al-Quaida and the movie “Chicago”? [ hesitant ] No.. I cannot. But I can tell you that the movie “Frida” does not support terrorism.
Announcer: Fight terrorism. Vote “Frida”. Paid for personlaly by Salma Hayek, with a personal check.
The Falconer…..Will Forte The Muskrateer…..Ashton Kutcher …..Tracy Morgan …..Ashton Kutcher …..Dean Edwards …..Lorne Michaels
Announcer V/O: [ over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.
[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]
The Falconer: Oh, Donald. It has been an atypically uneventful period, here in our forest bower. Food is plentiful, and I am not trapped beneath a tree. Together, we’ve created a perfect harmony in nature.. and I can’t think of anything that could ruin it. [ suddenly, a muskrateer and his muskrat enter from the bush ] Hark! Who goes there!
The Muskrateer: I go here. And if you want to know my story..
Announcer V/O: [ over Muskarateer slide cards ] In 1993, Ted Abernathy was a marketing executive in Bethesda, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his life cpartner and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Muskrateer”.
The Muskrateer: Now that you know who we are.. who, in Heaven’s name, are you?
The Falconer: If you must know..
Announcer V/O: [ voice is sped up over Falconer slide cards ] In 1992, Ken Mortimer was an advertising executive in Baltimore, Maryland. Then, for reasons known only to him, he left his wife and career, and moved deep into the forest. Now, he is known only as.. “The Falconer”.
[ dissolve to The Falconer and Donald the Falcon standing peacefully in the forest ]
The Muskrateer: Well, Falconer! What are you doing on our parcel of land?!
The Falconer: Your parcel of land?! Donald and I have been calling this land home for nigh on eleven years!
The Muskrateer: It appears that we are at an impasse!
The Falconer: And how shall it be resolved?!
The Muskrateer: In accordance with the laws of the forest! My muskrat against your falcon, in a contest of strength, guile and speed! winner takes all!
The Falconer: Be it so! ] to Donald ] Donald, don’t be afraid to take it to the limit.. one more time!
[ Donald squawks ]
The Muskrateer: [ to his muskrat ] Tear him apart, Galen! Feather by feather! [ Galen squeals ]
The Falconer: Let the gaaaaaammmmes begin!!
[ dissolve to the contests – starts with Galen and Donald in a sack race; Galen in a sugar sack, Donald in a flour sack ] [ dissolve to Galen and Donald running across the forest with eggs balanced on spoons ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing table hockey ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen competing with electronic robots, Donald knocking Galen’s robot’s head off ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing Scrabble – Glane spells out “Muskrateer”, which Donald challenges with the official Scrabble dictionary ] [ dissolve to Donald and Galen playing quarters – Galen sips beers through a straw, then vomits profusely; Falcon squaks victoriously ] [ dissolve to The Falconer and The Muskrateer surrounding their animal companions in the forest ]
The Muskrateer: Wellllllll.. Falconer! We find ourselves at an even draw, which brings us to our pre-determined tie-breaker!
The Falconer: So, it does, Muskrateer.. so it does! [ to Donald ] Donald.. remember your training!
[ Falcon and Muskrat have their finale over a game of Jenga; Falcon successfully moves his piece ]
The Falconer: Sweet Mariah!!
The Muskrateer: Galen.. whatever you do.. don’t visualize that tower collapsing!
[ Muskrat pulls his piece, but the tower topples; Falcon squawks victoriously ]
The Falconer: Victory is OURS!!
The Muskrateer: Falconer.. Donald.. it appears you have defeated us – this time.
The Falconer: Oh, Donald! Congratulations! We did it! [ Falcon squawks his disapproval ] Fine! You did it! Oh, Donald.. meanwhile, this little patch of heaven remains ours, for at least another day! And, until then.. you will be the Falcon.. and I will remain..
Announcer V/O: The Falconer!
[ scene fades to black ] [ scene pots up from black to reveal Ashton Kutcher tearing off his fake beard and exiting the Falconer sketch. Tracy Morgan approaches him ]
Tracy Morgan: Hey, hey, hey! Big Daddy!
Ashton Kutcher: Alright, Tracy!
Tracy Morgan: Nice show so far, Ash-ton!
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, hey, man.. I’m sorry your sketch, “Big Black Guy” got cut out.
Tracy Morgan: Aw, don’t sweat it. I’ll do it next week – it’s perfect for Adrien Brody! Hey, man, I was flippin’ around, and I saw you on that show!
Ashton Kutcher: Oh, “The 70’s Show”!
Tracy Morgan: No, I don’t watch that crap! It’s that show where you play pranks on celebrities.
Ashton Kutcher: Ahhhh, you mean “Punk’d”?
Tracy Morgan: Yeah, yeah! I saw the one with Pink!
Ashton Kutcher: Ohhh.. yeah, yeah! Where she thought her boyfriend got arrested for stealing a motorcycle?
Tracy Morgan: [ laughing outrageously ] Yeah, she was scared! That was hi-lar-ious!
Ashton Kutcher: Wicked! Awesome!
Tracy Morgan: Hey, listen.. I got an idea for you.
Ashton Kutcher: Cool, what it is?
Tracy Morgan: You ever “Punk” me, and I will beat your ass!
Tracy Morgan: No, I ain’t playin’! I will beat your ass!
Ashton Kutcher: [ getting more nervous ] Look, I promise you, Tracy.. I’m not gonna do that.. I respect you too much..
Tracy Morgan: Oh, really? So, why are all these cameras around here?
Ashton Kutcher: [ looks at the cameras, confused ] Well.. they-they’re for the show.. “Saturday Night Live”.. [ chuckles nervously ] Look, I swear to you I would never do that to you! I respect you way too much!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah.. so, who you gonna punk? Dean?
[ Dean Edward enters scene looking pissed at the mention of his name ]
Dean Edwards: Yo! Who gonna “Punk” me?!
Tracy Morgan: Ash-ton! He said he gonna “Punk”.. you.. out!
Dean Edwards: Say what?
Ashton Kutcher: No! I did not say that! Tracy, tell him I did not say that!
Tracy Morgan: Not only is he gonna “Punk” you out, he’s gonna film it!
Ashton Kutcher: [ exasperated ] I am not!!
Dean Edwards: Well, then, what’s with all these cameras, man!
Tracy Morgan: Yeah! That’s what I said!
Ashton Kutcher: You guys..! Again.. they’re for the show! “Saturday Night.. Live..!” [ looks around desperately, as Lorne Michaels approaches ] Lorne!
Lorne Michaels: What’s wrong?
Tracy Morgan: He tryin’ to “Punk” us out on his hidden camera show!
Lorne Michaels: Bad idea, Ashton.
Ashton Kutcher: No! I am not trying to “Punk” him! Look.. this is all just a big misunderstanding.. They think that these cameras are from my show.. So.. just tell them..
Lorne Michaels: I’ve never seen these cameras before in my life.
Tracy Morgan: Oh, it’s on now, BITCH!!
Lorne Michaels: Ashton, I would run if I were you.
Ashton Kutcher: [ petrified ] Yes, sir..! [ runs like the wind ] [ Tracy, Dean and Lorne all share a laugh over the way they “Punk’d” Ashton ]
Dean Edwards: [ to Tracy ] Yo! Did you how scared he was! [ laughs ]
Tracy Morgan: [ to Dean ] Sent his “Punk” ass back to the West Coast! [ laughs ]
Lorne Michaels: [ to Tracy and Dean ] We really fixed his wagon, huh, fellas! [ no response ] You don’t mess with the 2-1-2, huh? [ no response, hangs his head shamefully ] It’s an orange soda, right?
Tracy Morgan: [ nods ] Right.
Dean Edwards: Yo! Make that two, man!
Lorne Michaels: [ weakly ] Right.. [ walks away to perform his errand for his boys, then meekly re-approaches Dean ] When you say “two”, did you mean that you want two.. or is that one for Tracy.. and you want two for- [ Dean and Tracy give a dirty look, so Lorne retreats to take his chances ] [ Tracy and Dean laugh and chat together as the scene fades ]
[ Bales of hay adorn the foreground. Actor SAM ELLIOTT, dressed in denim & a black tee, ENTERS. ]
Sam Elliott: Hi! Im actor Sam Elliott! Youve seen me on television and in the movies, but most likely, you recognize my voice from numerous commercial advertisements. Ad surveys have shown that when consumers hear my voice — in association with a service or product — theyll buy most anything. Heck, I could probably get you dive headfirst into a mail sack full of needles! Or suck iron filings off the floor of a machine shop, and wash them down with a quart of used motor oil. Or chew the lining off the bottom of a parrot cage.
Sometimes when I believe strongly in a product, Ill actually go on-camera to tell you about it. Thats why Im here — now — to talk about Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder.
[ Sam holds up a bottle of Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder. ]
Sam Elliott: As a rancher, I know how hot and humid weather can make riding, cutting weeds, and other chores prickly and uncomfortable in those hard-to-scratch seams and creases. Well, since 1879, Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder has eased the posterior crevice itch associated with farm labor, and brought lasting relief to millions of men living the Western lifestyle. Its simple to apply.
[ Sam turns to his side and opens the bottle. He then bends over slightly and dumps a ton of powder down his backside. ]
Sam Elliott: Mm mm! Oh-hh-hh!!! That feels good!
[ Sam settles the bottle down. ]
Sam Elliott: And cool!!! Thats cause its medicated — takes care of the chaffing and dries up things right away. It forms an easy-to-remove scented paste coil.
[ Sam pulls out a foot-long, braided white coil, which derived from the powder. He sniffs it, tosses it, then holds up the bottle. ]
Sam Elliott: Try Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder now, and get a free box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads.
[ Sam holds up a box of Dr. Deacons Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads. He removes out a teabag-sized absorber pad. ]
Sam Elliott: Theyre in a handy travel pack and reusable!
[ Sam puts the absorber pad in his left breast pocket. ]
Sam Elliott: Ah! Now Im itch-free! Time to go back to work
[ Sam winks at the camera and grabs a pitchfork. ] [ TITLE CARD ]
Announcer: Dr. Deacons Haunch Crack Powder & Ball Seam Sweat Absorber Pads: Available now everywhere.
Announcer: [ over slideshow of scenes from “Chicago” ] Recently, actress Salma Hayek has taken it upon herself to launch a smear campaign against the movie “Chicago”. Her statements have been so outrageous and false, the producers of “Chicago” find it necessary to respond.
First of all: The movie “Chicago” does not support terrorism.
Second: Renee Zelwegger was born a woman, and has always been a woman.
Third: Richard Gere is a practicing Buddhist, not a procticing rapist.
That said, we’d like to extend our-
[ Salma Hayek cuts into the commercial, standing in front of a close-up of Renee Zelwegger’s crotch ]
Salma Hayek: Don’t let her fool you! Loo very closely at her crotch! You can see her cojones right there! She can’t win Best Actress! She’s a dude! Don’t believe the lies! Vote for “Frida”!
Announcer: Most of this paid for by the cast and crew of “Vhicago”. That one part paid for by Salma Hayek, with some crumpled-up cash and a money order.