02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
[ open on couple entering front room of house. An oversized box sits on the floor in the foreground of scene. ]
Monica: Mmm.. I had such a good time tonight!
Jonathan: Me, too! You’re really amazing.
Monica: I never thought I could feel like this..
Jonathan: I like what’s happening here.
Monica: Yeah, me too. [ they kiss ]
Jonathan: [ notices the box, stares at it ] What’s with this box?
Monica: [ like it’s nothing ] Oh, somebody mailed something to my loser husband..
Jonathan: You don’t think he has any idea what’s going on with us, do you?
Monica: [ laughs ] Oh, puh-leez! That ignoramous doesn’t suspect a thing!
Ray: [ voice muffled, because he’s inside the box ] He does NOW!!
[ Monica and Jonathan are startled by the yell, unable to determine where it’s coming from ]
Monica: Ray?? Where are you?
Ray: [ voice muffled ] Right here! [ top of the excessively-taped box pushes up, but Ray doesn’t break through ] Right here.. [ tries again to break through, but, no dice ] I’m in the BOX!!
Monica: What the ,b>hell are you doing in the box?! I thought you went to Cleveland!
Ray: [ voice muffled ] I WAS!! But I mailed myself HOME, to lay this little TRAP for you!! And NOW.. after lying in wait for 28 hours.. the TRAP IS SPRUNG!! HAA!!
Monica: 28 hours?? Where have you been going to the bathroom?
Ray: [ voice muffled ] THAT’S.. between ME and the BOX!!
Monica: [ annoyed ] Ray! How could you do this?! How could you spy on us?!
Ray: [ voice muffled ] Look, I am the one asking the questions NOW!! Okay? You guys tohught you were SO-O SMART, sneaking around behind my BACK!! Well, look who’s the smart one NOW!! I am!! ME!! [ tries again to push his way out of the box, but still no luck ]
Monica: [ snidely ] You need a little help getting out of your.. box.. Einstein?
Ray: [ voice muffled ] I will be MORE than fine without your help, thank you!! [ still faces great difficulty finding his way out of the box ] MORE than fine!!
Monica: Well.. suit yourself. Let’s go, Jonathan.
Ray: [ voice muffled ] WHAT?!! So, THAT’s it?! So, you’re just LEAVING me?!
Jonathan: [ like an ass ] Uh, yeah! She’s leaving you, dude!
Ray: STAY out of this, JACKASS!!
Jonathan: Jackass, huh? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my FACE?!!
Ray: SPECIAL DELIVERY!! One ASS-KICKING coming up!! [ Ray bounces the box in Jonathan’s direction, practically a fraction of a centimenter at a time ]
Monica: Ray, don’t do this.. [ Ray continues to bounce the box closer to Jonathan ] Oh..
Ray: [ voice muffled ] How CLOSE am I to your FACE?!
Jonathan: You’re closer! You’re still not very close.
Ray: [ voice muffled ] Okay, hang on a second.. [ attempts to bounce the box a little closer ]
Jonathan: [ aggravated at the nature of events ] Here! I’ll make it easy on ya! [ swaggers right up to the box ] Here I AM!! Now, ROLL THE DICE, BITCH-ASS!!
Ray: EAT THIS!!
[ Ray punches his fist and arm out of the right corner of the box. Jonathan immediately begins to punch the hell out of the box. ]
Monica: [ trying to break the two men apart ] Stop it! Stop it!! Enough!! You’re both acting like children!! That’s IT!! That’s IT!! GoodBYE, Ray!! [ starts to storm out of the house with Jonathan in tow ]
Ray: Wait, Monica!! Hold on!!
Ray: I just want to say one last thing..
Monica: [ sighs ]
Ray: [ pokes his head out of the corner of the box ] Mon, you look very nice tonight..
Monica: Look.. it’s too late for sweet talk, Ray. Now, what do you want?
Ray: I want you to come over here.. and give me one last kiss.. and tell me that you don’t feel anything.
Jonathan: [ anxious to leave ] No, no.. we’re leaving! Come on, Monica, let’s go..
Monica: No, no, Jonathan.. it’s okay. [ bends down in front of the box, and kisses her husband passionately ] Mmm.. that was nice.. It almost felt like.. it used to feel.
Ray: [ lasciviously ] You know, uh.. I’m naked in here.
Monica: [ the final straw ] Have a nice life, Ray!
Jonathan: [ sadistically ] Yeah! Have a nice life, Ray!
Ray: Flip off, you flippin’ DOUCHE!!
Jonathan: NOO!!! Flip YOU, you MOTHERFLIPPER!! You want some of THIS?!!
Ray: Let’s DANCE, FLIP-TURKEY!!
[ Jonathan runs back over and begins to kick the hell out of the box ]
Monica: [ pulling jonathan away from the box ] Oh! Stop it! Stop it!! You’re tearing it the FLIP apart!! Stop it! That’s IT, okay?!! We’re leaving! Goodbye, Ray!!
Ray: You’re walking out that door and you’re never coming back?!!
Monica: [ sarcastically ] Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to cry!
[ Monica and Jonathan exit the house ]
Ray: [ solemnly, in the audience’s direction ] Well, there goes the love of my life. This box should have been marked “fragile”. And, by “this box”, I mean.. my heart.. And what hurts even more is that she left with that ASSSSS!!
Jonathan: [ runs back into the room ] I HEARD that, you SONOFABITCH!!
[ the scuffle continues, as scene fades ]