Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: 2002-2003

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  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    The Box

    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    The Box

    Monica….Salma Hayek
    Jonathan…..Jimmy Fallon
    Ray…..Will Forte

    [ open on couple entering front room of house. An oversized box sits on the floor in the foreground of scene. ]

    Monica: Mmm.. I had such a good time tonight!

    Jonathan: Me, too! You’re really amazing.

    Monica: I never thought I could feel like this..

    Jonathan: I like what’s happening here.

    Monica: Yeah, me too. [ they kiss ]

    Jonathan: [ notices the box, stares at it ] What’s with this box?

    Monica: [ like it’s nothing ] Oh, somebody mailed something to my loser husband..

    Jonathan: You don’t think he has any idea what’s going on with us, do you?

    Monica: [ laughs ] Oh, puh-leez! That ignoramous doesn’t suspect a thing!

    Ray: [ voice muffled, because he’s inside the box ] He does NOW!!

    [ Monica and Jonathan are startled by the yell, unable to determine where it’s coming from ]

    Monica: Ray?? Where are you?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Right here! [ top of the excessively-taped box pushes up, but Ray doesn’t break through ] Right here.. [ tries again to break through, but, no dice ] I’m in the BOX!!

    Monica: What the ,b>hell are you doing in the box?! I thought you went to Cleveland!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I WAS!! But I mailed myself HOME, to lay this little TRAP for you!! And NOW.. after lying in wait for 28 hours.. the TRAP IS SPRUNG!! HAA!!

    Monica: 28 hours?? Where have you been going to the bathroom?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] THAT’S.. between ME and the BOX!!

    Monica: [ annoyed ] Ray! How could you do this?! How could you spy on us?!

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Look, I am the one asking the questions NOW!! Okay? You guys tohught you were SO-O SMART, sneaking around behind my BACK!! Well, look who’s the smart one NOW!! I am!! ME!! [ tries again to push his way out of the box, but still no luck ]

    Monica: [ snidely ] You need a little help getting out of your.. box.. Einstein?

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] I will be MORE than fine without your help, thank you!! [ still faces great difficulty finding his way out of the box ] MORE than fine!!

    Monica: Well.. suit yourself. Let’s go, Jonathan.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] WHAT?!! So, THAT’s it?! So, you’re just LEAVING me?!

    Jonathan: [ like an ass ] Uh, yeah! She’s leaving you, dude!

    Ray: STAY out of this, JACKASS!!

    Jonathan: Jackass, huh? Why don’t you come over here and say it to my FACE?!!

    Ray: SPECIAL DELIVERY!! One ASS-KICKING coming up!! [ Ray bounces the box in Jonathan’s direction, practically a fraction of a centimenter at a time ]

    Monica: Ray, don’t do this.. [ Ray continues to bounce the box closer to Jonathan ] Oh..

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] How CLOSE am I to your FACE?!

    Jonathan: You’re closer! You’re still not very close.

    Ray: [ voice muffled ] Okay, hang on a second.. [ attempts to bounce the box a little closer ]

    Jonathan: [ aggravated at the nature of events ] Here! I’ll make it easy on ya! [ swaggers right up to the box ] Here I AM!! Now, ROLL THE DICE, BITCH-ASS!!

    Ray: EAT THIS!!

    [ Ray punches his fist and arm out of the right corner of the box. Jonathan immediately begins to punch the hell out of the box. ]

    Monica: [ trying to break the two men apart ] Stop it! Stop it!! Enough!! You’re both acting like children!! That’s IT!! That’s IT!! GoodBYE, Ray!! [ starts to storm out of the house with Jonathan in tow ]

    Ray: Wait, Monica!! Hold on!!

    Monica: What?!

    Ray: I just want to say one last thing..

    Monica: [ sighs ]

    Ray: [ pokes his head out of the corner of the box ] Mon, you look very nice tonight..

    Monica: Look.. it’s too late for sweet talk, Ray. Now, what do you want?

    Ray: I want you to come over here.. and give me one last kiss.. and tell me that you don’t feel anything.

    Jonathan: [ anxious to leave ] No, no.. we’re leaving! Come on, Monica, let’s go..

    Monica: No, no, Jonathan.. it’s okay. [ bends down in front of the box, and kisses her husband passionately ] Mmm.. that was nice.. It almost felt like.. it used to feel.

    Ray: [ lasciviously ] You know, uh.. I’m naked in here.

    Monica: [ the final straw ] Have a nice life, Ray!

    Jonathan: [ sadistically ] Yeah! Have a nice life, Ray!

    Ray: Flip off, you flippin’ DOUCHE!!

    Jonathan: NOO!!! Flip YOU, you MOTHERFLIPPER!! You want some of THIS?!!

    Ray: Let’s DANCE, FLIP-TURKEY!!

    [ Jonathan runs back over and begins to kick the hell out of the box ]

    Monica: [ pulling jonathan away from the box ] Oh! Stop it! Stop it!! You’re tearing it the FLIP apart!! Stop it! That’s IT, okay?!! We’re leaving! Goodbye, Ray!!

    Ray: You’re walking out that door and you’re never coming back?!!

    Monica: [ sarcastically ] Oh, I’m so sorry I forgot to cry!

    [ Monica and Jonathan exit the house ]

    Ray: [ solemnly, in the audience’s direction ] Well, there goes the love of my life. This box should have been marked “fragile”. And, by “this box”, I mean.. my heart.. And what hurts even more is that she left with that ASSSSS!!

    Jonathan: [ runs back into the room ] I HEARD that, you SONOFABITCH!!

    [ the scuffle continues, as scene fades ]

    SNL Transcripts