Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: 2002-2003

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  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Tina Fey
    …..Jimmy Fallon
    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed…..Horatio Sanz
    Dustin Hoffman…..Jeff Richards
    Trevor the Broadway Guy…..Chris Parnell

    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Centre, this is Weekend Update, with Jimmy Fallon, and Tina Fey.

    Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

    In a prime-time press conference Thursday night, President Bush waid that, when it comes to attacking Iraq, “We really don’t need anybody’s permission.” Then, he went like this: [ mimes pointing guns in the air, making shooting sound effects ]

    Starting tomorrow, Bill Clinton and Bob Dole will appear in a series of televised debates on “60 Minutes”. The debates will serve to remind Americans what “real” leaders sound like when they talk.

    An original work by Saladore Dali has been stolen, from the lobby of the men’s jail at Riker’s Island. When asked how this could happen, a spokesman for the city explained, “We put a priceless piece of art in a prison.”

    This past weekend, Jerry Seinfeld’s wife Jessica gave birth to their second child. His name is Julian, and it’s still unclear what the deal with him is.

    Tina Fey: Last week, CIA agents, working in conjunction with Pakistani police, captured Al Quada Operations Chief Khalid Shaikh Mohammed.

    Jimmy Fallon: Here now, with a Weekend Update exclusive.. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Thanks for having me!

    Tina Fey: Okay. So, as Al-Quada’s Operations Officer, are you the key to finding Osama bin Laden?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: That’s a good question. But, first, there’s something mroe important I’d like to address. [ holds up press photo of himself, in all his squallid glamour ] Is the best picture you could find of me? Come on, man, look at this! You don’t drag someone out of bed at four in the morning and take their picture, dude! This is ridiculous!

    Jimmy Fallon: You know, you haven’t.. you haven’t really answered the question..

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah, look at this! I look like ron Jeremy in a pillowcase, man! Aw, seriously, bro! I look like the “Time to make the donuts” guy! You know, of Dunkin Donuts?

    Tina Fey: [ joining in the fun ] You look like a reject from “My Big Fat Greek Weding”!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: [ pleased with the comment ] Ohhhh, topical! Yeah, that’s a good one, Tina Fey! Yes, I am one hairy dude, man. Yes. I make Robin Williams look like Bull from “Night Court”!

    Jimmy Fallon: [ confused ] Bull from “Night Court”?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Yeah! You know, the big bald one, man!

    Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I know, I got the joke! What’s going on with the, uh.. t-shirt collar there? What, is he trying to bring back the scoop-neck t-shirt?

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Aw, give me a break, bro.. be cool. Those are my jammies, man! I like to get comfy, you know, in my bed. Aw, man.. I look like a Mario Brother had sex with a Brillo Pad, man! Come on!

    Tina Fey: Yeah, I gotta agree with you there. Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, everybody!

    Khalid Shaikh Mohammed: Not cool, man!

    Thursday marks the first flight of Hooters Air – a low-cost airline that will feature young women in hotpants and tank tops serving snacks. And, in the event of an emergency, the women can be used as a floatation device.

    Thanksgiving came early this year, as Macy’s new Aretha Franklin balloon made its way down Central Park West. [ show image of Aretha Franklin balloon sideways held by strings over the street ]

    New Hampshire public health officials have initiated a program to help reduce health care costs associated with falls by the elderly. The program is called Just Sit There Until You Die.

    It was anounced this week that Kevin Bacon has signed on to star in “The Woodsman”, in which he plays a chld molester recently released from prison. Even weirder, it’s the sequel to “Footloose”.

    Tina Fey: In honor of Women’s history month, the Women’s museum of Dallas has developed a list of 10 influential women in U.S. history, and put their images on a series of trading cards. Hey, kids! It’s the Great women of U.S. History! Collect all.. ten!

    Jimmy Fallon: According to new federal statistics, San Antonio has the largest percentage of obese adults in the United States. Remember the Alamo? More like, Remember the a la Mode! [ laughs ]

    Tina Fey: I hate you.

    Jimmy Fallon: A totally good one, right!

    Tina Fey: Idiot.

    [ a knock is heard offscreen ]

    Jimmy Fallon: Oh, my God! Tina, is there someone at the Update door?

    Tina Fey: Yeah! I’ll get it! [ opens the door ] Oh, Jimmy, look who it is! It’s Oscar-winning actor Dustin Hoffman! Fresh from the Grammys!

    Dustin Hoffman: Hi, Tina, how are you? Look, I want to be very, very, very clear to you that, uh.. [ makes his laughter-sniff ] I, uh.. I didn’t host the Grammys.

    Tina Fey: But, you were there.. right? There’s a lot of.. big stars, and..

    Dustin Hoffman: The Grammys.. were hosted by New York! In New York.. City! Just like.. Weekend Update isn’t hosted by any one person.. [ laughter-sniff ] It’s hosted by New York.. and the people.. are the Grammys.. of New York City! [ claps ] New York! Grammys!

    Tina Fey: Actually.. Jimmy and I host Weekend Update. We host Weekend Update.

    Dustin Hoffman: [ laughter-sniff ] Just because.. I’m up here.. doesn’t mean I’m hosting Weekend Update, Tina. [ laughter-sniff ] The Grammys.. the Grammys.. are hosting.. Weekend Update.. in New York! New York.. Grammy City.. Grammy! York! And New York! Grammys!

    Jimmy Fallon: I’ve seen the Grammys, I know what to do.. Hey, Dustin, uh.. why don’t you just introduce the band? Introduce the band, will’ya?

    Dustin Hoffman: Oh.. [ laughter-sniff ] Ladies and gentlemen.. Bruce.. String-bean.. and the Easy Street Band.. and New York! The greatest city in New York! The Grammys!

    Tina Fey: Dustin Hoffman, everybody!

    Jimmy Fallon: Good to see you, Dustin.

    The record for Longest Marriage was broken this week, when a pair of childhood sweethearts celebrated their 79th wedding anniversary. Reached for comment, the husband said, “Dear God, when is this excruciating hell gonna end?”

    Chazz Palminteri will star in more Vanilla Coke commercials, starting March 11th. It’s a smart move by Coke, because I think most Americans say to themselves “I want to drink what Chazz Palminteri drinks.”

    Jimmy Fallon: This weekend, 18 musicals were shut down on Broadway, so musicians went on strike and actors refused to cross the picket line..

    [ Trevor the Broadway Guy suddenly jumps in front of the Update desk, dressed a piano keys scarf ]

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“When I was four years old
    I saw my first Broadway shoooow
    I guess you could say I caught
    the bu-u-u-u-u-ugg!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Great.. it’s Trevor the Broadway Guy..

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“The lights!
    The dancers!
    The musiiiiicc!
    Where’s the music?
    Where is the musiiiic?
    Where did the music goooooo?

    Pre-recorded music’s from the pit
    That’s the pits!

    Tina Fey: Okay, Trevor, that’s enough..

    Trevor the Broadway Guy: [ singing ]“Broadway is live!
    And live, it should be!
    Nothing should be canned
    except maybe pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace.
    And pea-ea-eace.
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-eace!
    And pea-ea-ea-ea-ea-ea-eace!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Enough!! Trevor the Broadway Guy, everybody.

    A woman has filed a $35 million lawsuit against “Lord of the Dance” star Michael Flatley, alleging that he attacked and sexually assaulted her – apparently without ever using his arms.

    “Married By America” contestant, Denise, is expected to be removed from FOX’s new reality series, after it was revealed that she is still married. Meanwhile, Candy was thrown off of FOX’s “Vagina Auction” for having dude parts.

    Jimmy Fallon: It’s a good episode this week.

    Tina Fey: Yeah. It was a good “Vagina Auction” this week.

    Jimmy Fallon: Big ratings.

    A group of students at Harvard University caused controversy by sculpting a nine-foot penis out of ice on campus. The sculpture had to be taken down after ten Wellesley girls got their tongues stuck to it.

    Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Goodnight and have a pleasant tomorrow.

    [ Jimmy is about the throw his pencil, but Thomas Jefferson comes along and takes it to sign a copy of the Constitution ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Brain Busters

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 16

    02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

    Brain Busters

    Lawrence….Bernie Mac
    Steve Thinson….Jimmy Fallon
    Greg Ferguson…Horatio Sanz

    [Opens with a wacky Game Show Network logo]

    Announcer: We now return to Brain Busters on the Game Show Network.

    [Brain Busters logo] [Lawrence, the host, is an elegant black man in a suit. Two geeky white contestants]

    Lawrence: And welcome back to Brain Busters where our returning champion Steve Thinson is now leading our challenger Greg Ferguson by 200 points. Steve, you’re in charge of the board.

    Steve: I’ll take astronomy for a $1,000.

    Lawrence: Are you sure? There’s a whole bunch of other categories up there on the board.

    Steve: I’m gonna stick with astronomy, Lawrence.

    Lawrence: Ok. You sure? Ok, all right. Astronomy for $1,000. Danish astronomer Tyke Brahe was not raised by his parents but by his uncle who lived…..[beep] Steve?

    Steve: His uncle Yorgin.

    Lawrence: That’s correct.

    Greg: Well, you know, it wasn’t gonna be Yolas.

    [the nerds Steve and Greg crack up at their inside joke]

    Steve: Ha, ha, that’s good, that’s good.

    Lawrence: Wow, its an unbelievable game here. You know, my judges just informed me that this is the first time that our contestants have won and have answered every question correctly. Well Steve, we only have one category left. So, you can choose a question.

    [The only category left on the board is BLACK HISTORY]

    Steve: I got to be honest. It’s not my area of expertise. I think I’m gonna pass.

    Lawrence: What do you mean you’re gonna pass, Steve? You’re on fire.

    Steve: I’m more of a math/science type of guy. Greg, you’re up.

    Greg: I don’t wanna.

    Lawrence: [mildly offended] Hey, hey, hey. Come on now.

    Greg: I just…I know I’m going to get it wrong and I don’t want you getting the wrong idea. I don’t want you thinking I’m some kind of, you know, cause I’m not.

    Lawrence: Steve, Steve. I want you to pick a category.

    Steve: All right. Here it goes. I’ll take Black History for $200.

    Lawrence: All right. Ok. Black History for $200. In 1955 this woman refused to give up her seat setting off the Montgomery Alabama bus boycott. Anyone? Steven?

    Steve: I- I don’t know. I really don’t want to guess.

    Lawrence: Come on now.

    Steve: I don’t think so. Not good, not good.

    Lawrence: Just guess, fool!

    Steve: Fine. Tina Turner. [Lawrence is really offended] I knew it was wrong. I knew that was wrong. I don’t know why—

    Lawrence: Greg, famous African-American woman.

    Greg: Tootie?

    Lawrence: [angry] Tootie! What?! Why you messing with my people?! We know y’all history! Why you messing with my people?! Are you joking?

    Greg: [scared] Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry. Joking. I guess its over. Hey, nice playing with you. [shakes hands with Steven]

    Steve: Take care, buddy.

    Lawrence: Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! Get back! Get back! The game is not over! Now, let’s go back to Black History for $400. This African American scientist created peanut butter. Greg?

    Greg: Mr. Peanut?

    Lawrence: [angry, offended] Mr. Peanut?! Come on man! Steve, you better…you know this! Come on!

    Steve: I- I- no.

    Lawrence: Ok, ok. [calms himself] I give you a hint, ok? He has three names.

    Steve: Phillip Michael Thomas? [Lawrence is furious] Is not what I was going to say. What I was going to say was…Michael Jamal Warner? Bobby McFerrin? I- I don’t–I-I’m sorry.

    Lawrence: [offended] Bobby McFerrin?!

    Steve: You said three names. You said that.

    Lawrence: [speechless] W-w-w-w-what is wrong with you people? We know your people! There’s only 3 black people you need to know. Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson and Rosa Parks. That’s all you need to know. Aaahh, let’s go back to Black History for $600. Here’s the question. He became the first African American baseball player when he played for the Brooklyn Dodgers in 1947.

    Steve: I’m not really a sports guy.

    Lawrence: Steve, you answered the whole doggone section of Brooklyn Dodgers!

    [Brooklyn Dodgers section is empty]

    Lawrence: Now, I know you know this question.

    Steve: Pass?

    Lawrence: YOU CAN’T PASS! Now, come on! ANSWER IT!

    Steve: I really don’t know.

    Lawrence: YOU DO KNOW IT!

    Steve: I don’t think…

    Lawrence: ANSWER IT!!

    Steve: I’m a little nervous now, you don’t want to hear what I’m thinking…doesn’t make sense. I don’t know what to say.

    Lawrence: [fuming] Steve, answer the damn question.

    Steve: Lamont from “Samford and Son”?

    Lawrence: [going crazy] Come on! My dear God! I can’t believe this, man! What’s going on?! What’s happening to America?!

    Greg: [buzzing in] “Dwayne, Rog and Rerun!” “What’s Happening”?

    Steve: That’s right! That’s right! “What’s Happening?!”

    [Steve and Greg dance like idiots]

    Lawrence: [angry as hell] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! [calming himself] Ok, forget about it. We’re going to move to the final round. General knowledge. This was Winnie the Pooh’s feline friend.

    Steve: [buzzing in] I know this one. The answer is…

    [Screen goes to PLEASE STAND BY] [Show returns. Lawrence has Steve gripped violently by the shirt collar]

    Steve: I meant to say “TIGGER”! With a “T”!

    Lawrence: [violent] What did you say?! Uh?! What did you say?!

    Steve: Freudian slip! It was a Freudian slip!

    [Brain Busters logo]

    Announcer: This has been the last episode of Brain Busters ever! We’ve been canceled!

    [cheers and applause] [fade]

    Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

    SNL Transcripts

    Uday Hussein For President

    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Uday Hussein For President

    Uday Hussein…..Fred Armisen

    Announcer: Baghdad has only just fallen. And yet, already, candidates are throwing their hats in the ring to be the President of Iraq. But how many of them are only doing it simply because they have a lust for power? Just one.

    Uday Hussein: Hi! I’m Uday Hussein! My father ruled Iraq for a long time! And he was a fantastic murderer in his day! But.. unfortunately.. he is probably dead by now. So.. it might be time for a change! It’s true that my opponents say I am a violent lunatic! But what they don’t tell you is that I know all the hot spots and discotheques! I’ve got tons of jewelry and cars, and I’m addicted to sex! Elect me! I’m like a fun-time playboy! I’m a club-hopping, jolly fun cat! Come on! Now.. I know what you’re thinking: “Why elect the less competent son of a former president?” Well.. you guys did it!

    Announcer: Uday Hussein. A name you can trust.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Mom Jeans


     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 19

    02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

    Mom Jeans

    Moms…..Rachel Dratch, Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, Maya Rudolph
    Dad…..Chris Parnell

    [ open on a mom unloading the groceries from the back of the family van, as the kids run loose ]

    Announcer: Are you looking for the perfect gift for Mom this Mother’s Day? Introducing Mom Jeans, exclusively at J.C. Penney.

    Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

    [ show four moms posing in the jeans ]

    Announcer: Mom Jeans fit Mom just the way she likes it.

    Jingle: “Mom Jeans.. Mom Jeans..”

    [ show the extra-rounded shape of mom’s bottom in her new jeans ]

    Announcer: She’ll love the 9-inch zipper and casual front pleats. Cut generously, to fit a mom’s body. She’ll want to wear them to everything, from a soccer game to a night on the town.

    [ Dad frowns at the sight of Mom’s new jeans ]

    Announcer: And with your choice of ankle length, Capri length or shorts, you’ll find the perfect jean for even the least active of moms.

    Jingle: “Mom.. Mom Jeans..”

    Announcer: So this Mother’s Day, don’t give Mom tht bottle of perfume. Give her something that says, “I’m not a woman any more. I’m a Mom.”

    Jingle: “Giving up.. giving up.. put on your Mom Jeans.”

    Announcer: Get a free Applique Mom Jeans Vest with every purchase. This weekend at J.C. Penney.

    SNL Transcripts


    Where Are They Now?

    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Where Are They Now?

    Darcell…..Maya Rudolph
    Margie…..Queen Latifah
    Barbara…..Amy Poehler

    Voiceover: You knew their names, you loved their songs.. you watched them on TV.. but “Where Are They Now“?

    The year was 1964, and there was only one name on everybody’s list: “The Cherylettes. Just when it seemed like the dance craze fad had run its course, this bubbly trio breathed new life back into it, with the dance known as.. “The Wiggle”.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes, in black-and-white, on dance stage ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Doin’!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’ the Wiggle!
    Doin’ doin’ doin’ doin’
    Wiggle wiggle wiggle wiggle
    Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle, Doin’ Wiggle
    Doin’ The Wiggle!

    Voiceover: The pressure was on. Could The Cherylettes come up with another dance hit? At the advice of their managers, they released their next single two months later. Teenagers and critics thought the second song was.. a little rushed.

    [ cut to The Cherylettes on “Hullabaloo” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Put your heel in your palm
    Put your leg in the air
    Hold it while you bounce
    Then bounce it everywhere
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!
    Do the Heel-Up-Jerk-Bounce!”

    Voiceover: Response.. was tepid at best. Immediately, the girls went back into the studio to cut a new track. Two hours later, and $63 over budget, they thought they struck gold with their new dance single.. “Party”.

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Walkin’ to a party!
    Yeah yeah!
    Put your hands in two fists
    Yeah yeah!
    Swing your arms around like a windmill
    Close your eyes and roam around the room!
    Close your eyes and roam around the room
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill
    Don’t forget to swing your arms like a windmill!”
    Don’t forget to-

    [ teenagers in the studio attempt to duplicate the dance moves, but end up accidentally punching one another ]

    Voiceover: “Party”.. was not a hit. In the summer of 1965, Darcell – the creative force behind the group – had a nervous breakdown.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminiscing about those crazy days ]

    Margie: Now, after “The Wiggle” came out, we bought wild, expensive stuff! I mean, I bought three Frigidaires! I mean, I bought each one of my cousins a house!

    Barbara: Mmm. I bought a tiger.

    Margie: Child, she bought a tiger!

    Barbara: Mmm-hmm.

    Margie: We was broke as hell. And I guess, Darcell.. she had snapped under the pressure.

    Barbara: Mmm mmm mmm..

    Margie: Started writing back checks and shooting at people.

    Barbara: Mmm.

    Margie: Oh!

    Voiceover: The law caught up with Darcell in 1966. She spent a year in the state penitentiary.. for throwing a brick at Dick Clark. After her release in 1967, the girls took one more shot at dance craze mortality. But Darcell just wasn’t the same.

    [ The Cherylettes appear on “The Ed Sullivan Show” ]

    The Cherylettes: [ singing ]“Find yourselllllf
    A piece of metal!
    Then some wooooood
    For the handle!
    Elecrical taaaaaape
    Hold them together!
    Sharpennnnnn it
    Into a point, now!
    You’ve made yourself a shank!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!
    Shank, baby, yeah!
    I’ll cut you with my shank!

    Voiceover: It was a disastrous evening. Darcell tried to stab Ed Sullivan, live, on “The Ed Sullivan Show”. and then The Cherylettes broke up forever.

    Today, Darcell Chambers resides in the New Jersey State Penitentiary, where she continues to write music.

    [ dissolve to dissolve behind bars of her prison cell ]

    Darcell: I told those bitches I needed some time off! But I’ve been doin’ real good since I bin in jail. See, I bin writin’ songs, like.. mmm.. let’s see, I don’t know.. “Happy Birthday”? Or, uh.. “Thriller”.. or, “The Theme to The Greatest American Hero”.. or, how ’bout “The Robot National Anthem”? [ singing ] “Robot! Nally!” [ makes shooting sound effects ]

    Voiceover: Margie and Barbara.. left the music business.

    [ dissolve to Margie and Barbara reminsicing again ]

    Margie: I don’t miss it! I mean, The Cherylettes will always be a part of me. I keep it right here. [ puts hand over heart ] But I don’t miss a thing about it.

    Barbara: You know what I miss? The money and the sex!

    Margie: [ laughing ] I do miss that, too! But you was always more of a ho than me!

    [ they share the laugh ]

    Voiceover: Barbara.. has a new career in the fitness industry. She works as an extra in “Sweatin’ To The Oldies” videos with Richard Simmons.

    [ show still photo of Margie on cover of Richard Simmons’ video ]

    And Margie went on to fame as the mother of Baby Jessica.

    [ show Barbara standing in front of a well ]

    Way to wither, ladies.. way to wither.

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    A Message From The President Of The United States

    02p: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte

    A Message From The President Of The United States

    President George W. Bush…..Chris Parnell

    Announcer: The following is a message from the President of the United States.

    President George W. Bush: Good evening, my fellow Americans. Tonight I would like to address you directly, to report our progress in the campaign to free the people of Iraq. At the beginning of this conflict, when we faced stiff resistance from the Iraqi army, some in the press said that we had underestimated our enemy. But the truth is, our chief concern was to minimize the loss of innocent life. I wish there were a button I could push.. that would only destroy the bad people. But General Tommy Franks has repeatedly told me no such button exists. And you know what? I believe him.

    Nonetheless, As you have heard by now, we have taken Baghdad’s main airport and the surrounding area, which means coalition forces now control all of Iraq’s duty-free shops and car rental services. In addition, we have captured no fewer than five Saddam Hussein lookalikes.. as well as two divisions of the Republican Guard – also lookalikes.

    It must be acknowledged, mistakes were made during our Shock And Awe campaign – the main one being, calling it the Shock and Awe campaign. I objected to that title, but I was outvoted. I wanted to call it Tango & Cash. But there was legal problems.

    Finally, whenever there is war, there will be those who perpetrate acts of unspeakable evil. In this conflict, it’s Geraldo Rivera. Now, I always felt that people picked on him unfairly, but.. truthfully, he is a bonehead! Going on TV and giving away our troops’ positions? Good going, Einstein!

    Well, there you have it. To sum up our situation in Iraq: so far, so good. In closing, I hope this address has put your mind at ease, as to our progress in liberating the people of Iraq. I wish there were more information I could give you, but, in the interest of national security, that’s all they’ve told me. As I leave you, I ask that you remember in your prayers the men and women of our armed forces and their families. God bless America. And “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

    SNL Transcripts

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Tina Fey
    …..Seth Meyers
    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf…..Darrell Hammond

    Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, this is “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

    Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

    Residents of Baghdad went on a looting rampage this week. The looting began after US troops entered the city and informed them of the Rodney King verdict.

    In a video taped message to the people of Iraq, President Bush said your nation will soon be free. The government of Iraq, the future of your country will soon belong to you. When addressing the Iraqi’s, the President spoke slowly and chose simple words because he always does.

    Jimmy Fallon: US Soldiers have been given packs of 55 playing cards which feature pictures of leaders the Bush administration wants them to kill or capture. The cards include Saddam Hussein, Tarik Haziz, and Michael Moore.

    Tina Fey: It is rumored that Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez want to star in a remake of Casablanca. This will be the perfect film for people who liked the original but wished it was terrible.

    Jimmy Fallon: Every year, we here at Saturday Night Live join the rest of America by holding our own NCAA basketball pool. Here’s the winner of this year’s SNL office pool…Seth Meyers.

    Seth Meyers: Well hello! Hello Jimmy and Tina! Or should I say “hello losers!”

    Jimmy Fallon: Congratulations Seth. You did a good job.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that Jimmy? I can’t hear you all the way up here, at the top! Ah the sweet nectar of success. (licks his fingers)

    Jimmy Fallon: Stop doing that.

    Seth Meyers: Delicious!

    Tina Fey: Seth, why do you have to act like this?

    Seth Meyers: Well I’d like to tell you, Tina, but anyone stupid enough to think Kentucky was going to win the tournament, wouldn’t understand! Duh, duh, duh…I’m Tina Fey. No one can beat Kentucky.

    Jimmy Fallon: Come on, it’s just a pool man.

    Seth Meyers: What’s that, I can’t hear you, Fallon. The rustle of your ten dollar bill is deafening. Why look it’s my old friend Alexander Hamilton. What’s that, Alex? I’m a much better owner than Jimmy? Why thank you! And let me be the first to say that you are not only the first but the finest Secretary of the Treasurer of this or any other nation. Oh, and what shall I do with you, one-time ten dollar bill of Ms. Tina Fey? Perhaps we’ll share two coffees and a scone at Starbucks, or, maybe we’ll take a cab almost all the way back to my apartment. With money like this the options are endless. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

    Jimmy Fallon: You know there are only 15 of us. You do realize that you only won 150 dollars.

    Seth Meyers: No I did not realize that. In my excitement I seemed to have shanked my math pretty badly and added a zero or three. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a plasma TV and a cheetah to un-buy. Good day to you!

    Jimmy Fallon: Seth Meyers everybody!

    Tina Fey: The annual White House Easter egg hunt is scheduled for next week. President Bush told reporters he still has no definitive knowledge where the eggs might be or if they are in fact, alive or dead. Regardless, the administration says it plans to spend $70 billion looking for the eggs, and then not find them.

    Jimmy Fallon: According to sources inside Baghdad, the Iraqi military leader known as “Chemical Ali” is dead. No word on the status of his long-time rival, “Chemical Frasier.”

    According to the New York Department of Health, the most popular name for baby boys this year was Michael. The second most popular name? Colin Farrell Jr.

    Tina Fey: Darryl Strawberry was released from a Florida prison Tuesday after serving 11 months for violating is probation on cocaine possession charges. (looks at watch) 3.. 2.. 1.. and he has been arrested again.

    Details Magazine claims that since the 1940s, a secret list has been kept of which famous men have large penises. I’ll tell you one celebrity you won’t see on the Big Penis List, Mr…Jimmy.. (Jimmy punches Tina – no sound effect) I was going to say Carter! I was gonna say Jimmy Carter!

    Jimmy Fallon: Oh sorry about that.

    Tina Fey: God you’re so paranoid. You must really have a small penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – again no sound effect)

    Jimmy Fallon: Sorry about that. Yeah.

    Tina Fey: In other news, coming up in just three days is April 15, the IRS deadline for filing your income taxes. Or, as Willie Nelson refers to it, Tuesday.

    Jimmy Fallon: The new trend in fashion for women this summer is expected to be short shorts with some inseams being reduced to less than 2 inches. While men will mostly likely make a return to wearing the classic boner.

    Tina Fey: Tonight for another perspective on the war, we’re joined by the Iraqi Minster of Information. Are you there Mr. Sahhaf?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: (via satellite) Surrender Tina!

    Tina Fey: Wha.. excuse me?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: I have come onto your program to announce that the Iraqi’s have won the war.

    Tina Fey: Minister, what are you talking about? The US has clearly won.

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Tina, you are delusional. Our armies have not only won, they have invaded America! Right now our Republican Guards are storming through Disney World, eating astro-burgers and going on all the rides! And get this, Tina, Iraq’s victory is so overwhelming that all of your Houlihans are now Hussein-i-hans and all of your Cinnabuns are now Saddam-a-buns!

    Tina Fey: Excuse me, Minister, aren’t those American MP’s?

    Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf: Yes, Tina. But they have come to surrender to me. I will now take them for questioning. Surrender, Tina Fey, surrender!

    Tina Fey: Ok, Minister Muhammad Said Al-Sahhaf, everybody. He wants us to surrender.

    Jimmy Fallon: When the New York City subways stop using tokens in May, it will signal the end of “token sucking,” the practice of thieves putting their mouths on the turnstiles and sucking out a recently used token. For those who miss the sensation of putting your mouth on a subway turnstile, the MTA recommends making out with Mickey Rourke.

    Tina Fey: That’s a good joke there, Tiny Penis. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works) See how funny it is when the sound effect works? Billy Taylor, everybody, on sound effects.

    Sony has created a cuddly humanoid robot that performs a song and dance routine and can carry on simple conversations with humans. They have named it Wayne Brady. Yeah! I got you Wayne Brady!

    Jimmy Fallon: Hey do you want to do the punching thing again?

    Tina Fey: Yeah, do it one more time. (Jimmy punches Tina – sound effect works)

    Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

    Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow!

    Thanks to Natalie for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03: Adrien Brody’s Monologue

     Saturday Night Live Transcripts

      Season 28: Episode 19

    02s: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul & Wayne Wonder

    Adrien Brody’s Monologue

    …..Adrien Brody
    …..Sylvia Plachy

    Adrien Brody: Hey, how are you doing tonight? [ begins to kiss various women in the audience ]

    Thank you! Thank you very much, thank you! I’m so excited to be here tonight. [ crazed woman in the audience yells “You’re HOT!!” ] Ah, you’re hot! It’s an honor to be on “Saturday Night Live”.. [ another crazed audience members howls at the mere mention of the program’s title ] It’s great to be back in New York, where I’m from.. and my home. [ audience applauds ] I’ve got my wonderful parents here..

    [ camera cuts to Brody’s parents – Elliot Brody and Sylvia Plachy – in the audience, as the audience applauds ]

    Now by the time the show is over, it’s gonna be Mother’s Day.. so, Mom, I’m really happy you’re with me tonight. I love you. [ audience awwws ] Ladies and gentlemen, she was my date to the Academy Awards.. she was there at the Golden Globes.. she was at the premiere of “The Pianist”.. she’s here tonight to cheer me on.

    Sylvia Plachy: My pleasure.

    Adrien Brody: [ laughs ] And I’m so happy you’re with me, Mom.

    Sylvia Plachy: I’m very glad to be here with you. But, you know, Adrien.. you’ll have to learn to go to these things on your own. Really.

    Adrien Brody: [ embarrassed ] Mom..

    Sylvia Plachy: You’re 30! You’re 30 years old! You can’t go everywhere with your mother.

    Adrien Brody: Alright, Mom.. thanks.. You know, there was something that I just wanted to say to you at The Oscars, but I didn’t get a chance to, and, uh.. cause I didn’t have the time, and since it’s Mother’s Day, I would just like to say that-

    [ the SNL Band interrupts Brody’s speech to play him to commercial ] [ waving the band off ] Alright, come on! Guys, guys.. please.. I only get one chance here.. Don’t you people have mothers? [ clears his throat ] You know, Mom, I love you. Happy Mother’s Day.

    [ audience applauds ]

    Alright. Thank you. We’ve got a great show tonight, everybody. We’ve got Sean Paul here.. We’ve got Wayne Wonder here.. Alright, stick around, we’ll be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Salma Hayek: 03/15/03

    Air Date:


    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    March 15th, 2003

    Salma Hayek

    Christina Aguilera

    Edward Norton

  • Bush Press Conference

    President George W. Bush (Chris Parnell) takes questions from magazines.

    Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

  • Salma Hayek’s Monologue

    Chris Kattan and back-up 80’s band sing “We Belong” to Hayek.

  • Top O’ The Morning

    William’s (Seth Meyers) Mexican girlfriend (Hayek) clashes with show.

    Recurring Characters: Patrick Fitzwilliams, William Fitzpatrick.

  • TV Funhouse

    Classic cartoon characters compete on “Are You Hot?”

  • Versace Oscar Special

    Versace (Maya Rudolph) dishes on Oscar fashion diasters.

    Recurring Characters: Donatella Versace, Michael Jackson.

  • The Box

    Hiding in box, husband (Will Forte) catches wife (Hayek) with lover (Jimmy Fallon).

  • Frida I

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for plaigerizing the Broadway musical.

  • Christina Aguilera performs “Beautiful”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    Ferecito (Fred Armisen) & wife (Hayek) practice their new comedy routine.

    Aril Lavigne (Amy Poehler) makes her punk presence known during visit.

    Gollum (Chris Kattan) makes his own unique Oscar picks.

    Jimmy Fallon sings Top 40-inspired St. Patrick’s Day songs.

  • Seduction Class

    Sexy teacher (Hayek) helps adult students become bolder with their presence.

    Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

  • Frida II

    Hayek lambastes “Chicago” for supporting terrorism.

  • The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

    Downstairs couple (Hayek, Tracy Morgan) deal with King Kong’s dong.

  • Christian Aguilera performs “Fighter”

  • Frida III

    “Chicago” defends itself, but Hayek spreads slander further.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts