Saturday Night Live: 2002-2003


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 28: 2002-2003


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Starring:

  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Chris Kattan
  • Tracy Morgan
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Dean Edwards
  • Will Forte
  • Seth Meyers
  • Jeff Richards
  • Episodes

  • 10/05/02: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band
  • 10/12/02: Sarah Michelle Geller / Faith Hill
  • 10/19/02: Sen. John McCain / White Stripes
  • 11/02/02: Eric McCormack / Jay-Z
  • 11/09/02: Nia Vardalos / Eve
  • 11/16/02: Brittany Murphy / Nelly
  • 12/07/02: Robert DeNiro / Norah Jones
  • 12/13/02: Al Gore / Phish
  • 01/11/03: Jeff Gordon / Avril Lavigne
  • 01/18/03: Ray Liotta / The Donnas
  • 02/08/03: Matthew McConaughey / Dixie Chicks
  • 02/15/03: Jennifer Garner / Beck
  • 02/22/03: Christopher Walken / Foo Fighters
  • 03/08/03: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite
  • 03/15/03: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera
  • 04/05/03: Bernie Mac / Good Charlotte
  • 04/12/03: Ray Romano / Zwan
  • 05/03/03: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent
  • 05/10/03: Adrien Brody / Sean Paul, Wayne Wonder
  • 05/17/03: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” enters its 28th season following a year of high notes and unusual occurrences. The previous season began with an anthrax scare at 30 Rockefeller Plaza, continued with a midseason cast upgrade for Amy Poehler, the rehiring of Chris Parnell, and ultimately resulted in an Emmy Award for the writing staff. By season’s end, Will Ferrell announced his departure from the show, and Ana Gasteyer, who became the first pregnant cast member, announced her decision to leave after giving birth to a baby girl over the summer. Ferrell’s departure led fans to believe the show would no longer be as funny without him. New featured players Fred Armisen and Will Forte provide new life to the show, though weak sketch premises and constant on-air laughter between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz leave fans divided. Of the season’s diverse host selections, politicians Sen. John McCain and former Vice-President Al Gore deliver unexpected strong performances, and original Not Ready For Prime Time Player, Dan Aykroyd, often quoted as vowing to only make special guest appearances when needed, finally hosts “Saturday Night Live” in time for its 28th season finale.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Ray Romano: 04/12/03


    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:

    Special Guests:

    April 12th, 2003

    Ray Romano

    Zwan

    None

  • A Message From Saddam Hussein

    In pre-recorded message, Hussein (Horatio Sanz) insists he’s broadcasting live.

    Recurring Characters: Saddam Hussein.

  • Ray Romano’s Monologue

    Romano performs stand-up about adult movies, his twins, and childhood fantasies.

  • What’s The Rush

    Virgins (Seth Meyers, Amy Poehler) interview bonin’ expert (Romano).

  • Wake Up Wakefield

    Sheldon’s (Rachel Dratch) dad (Romano) visits for Career Day.

    Recurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon, Mr. Banglion.

  • Zwan performs “Lyric”

  • Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

    NCAA pool winner Seth Meyers rubs his dollars in Jimmy and Tina’s faces.

    Minister of Information (Darrell Hammond) lies.

  • Rialto Grande

    Buddy Mills (Chris Kattan) performs with lackluster comedian (Romano).

    Recurring Characters: Buddy Mills.

  • CNN Newsbreak

    Aaron Brown (Darrell Hammond) discusses previous sketch, waits for next one.

  • Phone Booth

    Walter (Romano) is tortured mentally by phone booth sniper.

  • Access Hollywood

    New co-anchor Chet Harper (Romano) annoys Nancy (Amy Poehler).

    Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien, Chet Harper.

  • Zwan performs “Settle Down”

  • Club Traxx

    Sleazy Iraqi singer (Romano) is new pop sensation.

    Recurring Characters: Beertje Van Beers, Leonard.

  • Uday Hussein For President

    Saddam’s idiot son Uday Hussein (Fred Armisen) holds American qualities.

  • Goodnights

    SNL Transcripts

  • Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue


    02r: Ashton Kutcher / 50 Cent

    Ashton Kutcher’s Monologue

    …..Ashton Kutcher
    …..Maya Rudolph
    …..Chris Parnell


    [ Kutcher comes running onto Home Base, apparently unaware that he’s not wearing any pants ]

    Ashton Kutcher: Thank you, thank you! Man, it is fan-tast-ic to be in New York City! Hosting has this show has been a dream of mine for, like.. I don’t even know how long! What.. like, eight months? And now, it’s finally happening! You don’t even.. this is a dream come true!

    [ tight shot on Kutcher’s face, as thoughts race through his mind ]

    Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Oh, my God! I’m so pumped! Oh, my God, I’m so pumped! Everything is going perfectly.. Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something?

    Ashton Kutcher: And now.. I’m hosting! This is.. this casr is amazing! I can’t beleive the job they do here every week! I mean, there’s so much to remember! you always feel like you’re going to forget something, like.. I don’t know.. like, your lines.. is it cool to make gay jokes around Kattan.. it’s unbelievable! You know.. it’s a lot colder in here than I thought it would be..

    Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: I bet I forgot to zip my zipper.. Okay.. be cool.. check your zipper. Raise your hand.. slowly.. no one os noticing.. nooo.. I forgot the zipper altogether. Okay. I’m not wearing any pants. Cripes! Oh, God! Be cool. Do what everyone came here to see you do.. your fantastic impressions!

    Ashton Kutcher: Soooo.. I was thinking about performing with 50 Cent tonight, annnd.. since Eminem couldn’t make it, and they’re kind of like partners.. I was thinking I could just, like, jump in on one of his songs, like, as Eminem.. like.. you know.. like, uh.. just be like.. “I love you like a fat kid loves cake!” Yeah, or like, like.. “I love you like Baby Hailey in a Vicadin break! I love you like Pamela loves Kid Rock! I love you like Jenny loves the block!” Just something like that, maybe..

    [ Maya Rudolph appears on stage ]

    Maya Rudolph: Hey, hey, hey, hey!

    Ashton Kutcher: Hey! Maya Rudolph, everybody!

    Maya Rudolph: Hi, baby, how are you? So, what’s up? How’s about a.. how’s about a hug for Mama, huh? [ they hug ]

    Ashton Kutcher’s Thoughts: Ohhh.. this is not good.. No hugging the ladies in the tightie-whities.. Abort! Abort!

    Ashton Kutcher: [ coming back ] Oh.. yeah.

    Maya Rudolph: Are you doing alright, Ashton?

    Ashton Kutcher: Yeah! Yeah! I’m good! Um.. let’s save the hugging for the party!

    Maya Rudolph: Ha-ah! Absolutely!

    [ Chris Parnell jumps on stage ]

    Chris Parnell: Hey, how about a hug for Papa?

    Ashton Kutcher: Uh.. may-maybe not now, Chris..

    Chris Parnell: Okay. [ chuckles ] Fair enough. Then, uh.. do you mind if I wtch the rest of your monologue from over there in that dark corner?

    Ashton Kutcher: Knock yourself out, man.

    Chris Parnell: I just might! [ chuckles ]

    Ashton Kutcher: Alright.. I gotta get some clothes on. So, you stick around.. we got a great show, and I promise I won’t forget anything else! 50 Cent is here..And we will be right back!

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Goodnights



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 28: Episode 20





    02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

    Goodnights

    …..Dan Aykroyd

    Dan Aykroyd: Thank you, Beyonce! Jay-Z! John Goodman, Jim Belushi! Thank you! Wow! What a team! What a crew! Have a great summerrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!

    [ Tracy Morgan holds up (at first, accidentally upside-down) a sign reading “What A Ride!”; Chris Kattan hugs Tracy Morgan ]

    SNL Transcripts

    The Channel 5 Late Night Movie


    02o: Salma Hayek / Christina Aguilera

    The Channel 5 Late Night Movie

    Cop #1…..Jimmy Fallon
    Cop #2…..Horatio Sanz
    Black Man…..Tracy Morgan
    Wife…..Salma Hayek
    Carl Denham…..Darrell Hammond


    Announcer: Welcome back to Channel 5’s Late Night Movie. We rejoin tonight’s feature: the original director’s cut of the 1933 classic, “King Kong”.

    [ open on stock footage of King Kong climbing a tall building ] [ cut to a pair of cops standing on the street below, looking up at the action ]

    Cop #1: Holy cat! King Kong is climbing that building!

    Cop #2: Look how big he is!

    Cop #1: He must be fifty-feet tall!

    Cop #2: Yeahh.. but that’s not what I.. what I meant.. I was talkin’ about his, uh.

    Cop #1: Oh…

    Cop #2: You know..

    Cop #1: Wow! He is well-endowed, yeah..

    Cop #2: I mean, even for a fifty-foot ape, that thing is gigantic!

    Cop #1: Yeah..

    Cop #2: Huge!

    Cop #1: Yeah..

    Cop #2: Enormous!

    Cop #1: Easy.

    Cop #2: I mean, when you look up, you can’t help but notice it!

    [ King Kong roars offscreen ]

    Cop #1: Hey, look – King Kong is lookin’ in that woman’s window! Uh-oh! I think he likes what he sees..

    Cop #2: Oh.. that’s not a banana in his pocket, either.. He’s happy to see her!

    Cop #1: Oh, no.. I feel sorry for the people who live in the apartment below.

    [ cut to the apartment below, where Black Man sits in his easychair trying to read his newspaper. He looks up to discover the elongated, furry shaft of King Kong, but can’t determine its true identity. ]

    Black Man: What the hell?!

    Wife: What’s going on out there, honey?

    Black Man: I was just sittin’ there, readin’ my paper, the next thing you know there’s a giant Tootsie roll in our living room!

    Wife: That’s not a Tootsie Roll, stupid!

    Black Man: Well, how am I supposed to know what is is?!

    Wife: [ reaches her arm up and touches the mysterious object ] Mmm.. you should feel this.. [ taps on the sideof it, demonstrating its density ] It’s really hard and warm..

    Black Man: Well, maybe that lady upstairs is remodeling her place, and-and-and it’s a giant roll of carpet!

    Wife: Well, help me get it out!

    Black Man: Now, just relax, someone will come by and get it in a minute!

    Wife: Oh, no.. I’m gonna move it!

    [ Wife grabs at the bottom of Kong’s shaft with both hands, and attempts to drag them across. The shaft doesn’t move, but Kong can be heard outside writing in ecstasy ]

    Wife: [ observing the noises ] What was that?

    Black Man: I didn’t hear anything.

    Wife: Well.. honey, get over here and help me push this thing out!

    [ disgusted, Black Man puts his paper aside, gets up and helps his Wife try to drag the shaft out the window. Even with four hands in action, the shaft barely moves an inch, thogh the noises coming from outside indicate that Kong is pleased about the situation at hand. ] [ cut back to the two cops observing from the street below ]

    Cop #2: Uh-oh! Somebody’s got a big grin on his face!

    Cop #1: That’s the happiest monkey I ever seen!

    Cop #2: Wonder what’s goin’ on there, Bart?

    [ cut back to the apartment ]

    Wife: I swear.. the more we pull on this thing, the more it grows!

    Black Man: Wait a minute.. wait a minute.. let me look out the window and see if it’s caught on anything! [ looks out the window ]

    Wife: Can you see anything?

    Black Man: Oh, damn! She must be hoisting up furniture!

    Wife: Really?

    Black Man: Yeah! There’s two fuzzy beanbag chairs here!

    Wife: [ disgusted ] She must be redoing the whole apartment! And look at us, we don’t have anything new!

    Black Man: Wait a minute.. I’m gonna grab one of the beanbag chairs, while you pull on it. Now, I think we can release it!

    Wife: Okay..

    [ they pull harder at the shaft, sending Kong to climax ]

    Wife: There is that noise again!

    Black Man: It’s probably the construction crane! Keep pulling!

    Wife: But my arms are gettin’ tired, honey!

    Black Man: We’re almost there! Keep goin’!

    Wife: Hurry up!

    Black Man: Now! It’s startin’ to loosen up! I think we got it!

    [ cut back to the cops watching fom the street ]

    Cop #1: [ laughing ] God, that monkey’s making the goofiest face I ever seen!

    [ sounds of Kong calming down from his excitement ]

    Cop #1: Now he looks kinda guilty.. now he’s leavin’.

    Cop #2: Aw, that’s cute! Now King Kong’s goin’ over to that billboard, and rippin’ pff that giant cigarette!

    Cop #1: Oh, yeah!

    Cop #2: Now he’s gonna go relax in the box!

    Cop #1: You know what I bet happened? The planes scared him off!

    [ expedition leader Carl Denham emerges from the shadows ]

    Carl Denham: No, it wasn’t the airplanes, fellas. ‘Twas beauty.. that calmed the beast.

    [ fade to black ]

    SNL Transcripts

    Phone Booth


    02q: Ray Romano / Zwan

    Phone Booth

    Walter…..Ray Romano
    Voice on Phone…..Darrell Hammond
    Fat Guy…..Horatio Sanz
    Police Captain…..Tracy Morgan
    Back-up Cop…..Dean Edwards


    [ Walter walks past a phone booth as it rings; he enters the booth and picks up the receiver ]

    Walter: Hello?

    Voice on Phone: [ sinister ] Hello.. Walter.

    Walter: [ laughing ] He-ey! Who’s this!

    Voice on Phone: Love the out-fit. I see you enjoy the un-tucked, button-down shirt look.

    Walter: Wha- whoa, whoa.. what is.. what is.. is there a camera on me, huh? Is this one of those hidden camera shows? Huh? I love those shows! Where’s the camera! [ foolishly mugs for the hidden camera he thinks is out there ]

    Voice on Phone: Walter.. don’t be a douche-bag.

    Walter: Wow! Douchebag! What are we, on FOX? Where is it? Where’s the camera!

    Voice on Phone: It’s not a camera.. it’s the scope of a high-powered rifle.. pointed straight at your head.

    Walter: [ dumbfounded ] That’s not funny.. That’s not funny.. Have fun with your show. [ starts to hang up the phone ]

    Voice on Phone: Don’t.. hang up.. Walter.

    Walter: No! I’m hanging up!

    Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Hey. Walter. See that fat guy, eating a hot dog over there?

    Walter: [ afraid to acknowledge the fat guy ] Yeah?

    [ scope of rifle fires a shot, sending the fat guy to the pavement, as passers-by scream and run in panic ]

    Walter: [ screaming ] Oh, my God!! You KILLED him!! You KILLED him!! You’re CRAZY!!

    Voice on Phone: Relax, Walter.. look at the size of him. He’s probably bleeding gravy..

    [ sirens can be heard approaching from the background ]

    Walter: That is MEAN!! That’s so MEAN to the FAT GUY!!

    [ the police suddenly appear, huddled in a group with guns pointed at Walter ]

    Police Captain: Alright, sir! Step out of the phone booth, Sir!

    Voice on Phone: Don’t.. step out.. of the phone booth.. Walter..!

    Police Captain: Why did you kill the fat guy?!

    Walter: I didn’t! I didn’t kill the fat guy!!

    Police Captain: Step out of the booth!

    Voice on Phone: Walter.. you leave that.. phone booth.. and you.. die.

    Walter: I don’t understand! What’s.. what’s going on here?!

    Voice on Phone: I.. know.. everything.. about.. you.. Walter.

    Walter: Wha? What do you want?!

    Voice on Phone: I want you to step out of the booth and tell everyone what you wear to bed. [ Walter resists ] Tell.. them.. or.. I’ll.. kill.. you..

    Walter: Alright! [ slowly pokes his head out of the booth ] I wear footsie pajamas to bed!

    Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

    Walter: [ disgusted ] SpongeBob footsie pajamas!! My feet get cold!

    Police Captain: That’s all right, Buddy! I, myself, sleep buck-naked! But SpongeBob is a hilarious cartoon! Now, come.. out.. of.. the.. booth!

    Walter: [ into the phone ] Look.. can I go now?

    Voice on Phone: Not.. yet. Walter.. I want you to point to that cop, and tell him that you hate black people.

    Walter: WHAT??!! NO!! I CAN’T say that!!

    Voice on Phone: I’ll.. kill.. you.

    Walter: Arrrrggghh!! That’s right! Dammit!! [ with regret ] I only picked up this phone thinking I had won a contest! This seems like the exact opposite!

    Voice on Phone: [ stern ] Say.. “I hate black people.” Say it!

    Walter: Okay! Okay! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate.. I hate..

    Police Captain: Come on, Buddy! Put the phone down and step out of the booth, Sir!

    Voice on Phone: I’m.. going.. to.. shoot.. you..

    Walter: O-kay! i’m gonna say it! [ pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate! Blah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ahhhhhhhck! [ waves his arms ] People! [ into the phone ] Okay. I did it! I did it!

    Voice on Phone: [ getting ticked off ] Walter! Say it.. with the right.. inflection!

    Walter: Wait, that’s just my manner of speaking, you know, I can’t help that..

    Voice on Phone: Walter, you’ve got three seconds! Three.. two..

    Walter: [ quickly pokes his head out of the booth ] I hate black people!

    Police Captain: [ offended ] What’dju say, bitch?!

    Walter: The man on the PHONE!!

    Voice on Phone: Shut up, Walter!

    Walter: What.. what do you want from me?!

    Voice on Phone: One..more.. thing.. I want you to hold up your fingers and indicate to the entire world what a small penis you have.

    Walter: [ hoping beyond hope ] Is this Phil?

    Voice on Phone: Just.. do.. it.

    Walter: [ pokes his head out of the booth, holding his fingers up stretched wide ] Hey, everybody, uh.. this.. is the size-

    Voice on Phone: Wal-ter..

    Walter: [ moves his fingers a little closer together ] This..

    Voice on Phone: Don’t.. lie..

    Walter: [ moves his fingers a little more closer together ] This..

    Voice on Phone: Wal-terrrrrrr..

    Walter: Well, come on!

    Voice on Phone: Would you rather take it out and show it to them?

    Walter: [ holds his fingers practically right on top of one another ] This is the SIZE of my PENIS!!

    Police Captain: That’s why he hate us.

    Back-up Cop: It’s just sad.

    Walter: The width!! I mean, the width!!

    Voice on Phone: No-body believes you, Wal-ter.. Now, step out.. of.. the.. booth..

    Walter: What? Why did you do this? Why did you do this to me?

    Voice on Phone: I was just having a little fun with you. You can go.

    Walter: [ relieved ] Alright, then.. I’m gonna hang up, now.

    Voice on Phone: Yes, Wal-ter.. you’ve just.. saved.. your life.. for now.

    Walter: Goodbye. [ hangs up the phone and steps out of the booth ] I don’t hate black people..

    Police Captain: I know. Come on. Nice and easy.

    Walter: And then, you know, thing with my penis..

    Police Captain: Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk about that later.

    [ suddenly, the phone rings again; on instinct, Walter picks it right back up again ]

    Walter: Hello?

    Voice on Phone: What is wrong with you, Walter?!

    Walter: [ feeling stupid and angry all at once ] Dammit!! I thought THIS time it HAD to be a CONTEST!!

    Voice on Phone: Okay, we’re going to start.. with pulling down your pants..

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Adrien Brody: 05/10/03



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 28: Episode 19


    This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>




    Air Date:

    Host:

    Musical Guest:



    Special Guests:

    Cameos:


    May 10th, 2003

    Adrien Brody

    Sean Paul

    Wayne Wonder

    None

    Elliot Brody

    Sylvia Plachy

    Emily Spivey
    American IdolSummary: Ryan Seacrest (Jimmy Fallon) repeatedly cuts away to commercial instead of announcing the big winner.

    Recurring Characters: Ryan Seacrest, Simon Cowell, Paula Abdul, Randy Jackson
    Transcript

    Montage

    Adrien Brody’s MonologueSummary: Adrien Brody kisses women in the audienc and, thanks his mom, Sylvia Plachy.

    Bio: Photographer Sylvia Plachy (1943-) has had portraits and photo essays published in The Village Voice, The New Yorker, and other art periodicals.

    Transcript

    Mom JeansSummary: The shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

    Transcript

    Brian Fellow’s Safari PlanetSummary: Brian Fellow (Tracy Morgan) fears that a hairless cat will shave his head.

    Recurring Characters: Brian Fellow.

    Transcript

    Self-Involved GUySummary: A self-obsessed man (Chris Kattan) creeps out his date (Rachel Dratch).

    Live With Regis & KellySummary: Wild, Wild Trivia winner Pete Sokolov (Adrien Brody) has barely survived his dangerous prize vacation.

    Recurring Characters: Regis Philbin, Kelly Ripa, Gelman.

    Transcript

    TV FunhouseSummary: In Rob Smigel’s spoof of Middle Eastern cartoons, Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein are sneaky partners in crime.

    Transcript

    Sean Paul performs “Get Busy”

    Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Qrplt*xk (Rachel Dratch) is a creepy “X-Men 2” reject. Elton John (Horatio Sanz) sings his lyrics for a musical about the Vampire Lestat.

    Recurring Characters: Qrplt*xk, Elton John.

    Transcript

    LensmastersSummary: Rude employees Sebastian (Adrien Brody) and Roland (Chris Kattan) show their offbeat glasses creations to a woman (Amy Poehler).

    Dance ClassSummary: Adult students take dance lessons.

    Recurring Characters: Gabe Fisher, Ruth Weinstock, A.J., Vasquez Gomez-Vasquez.

    Wayne Wonder performs “No Letting Go”

    Velvet ProductionsSummary: The homoerotic pornographic film review board members can’t think of a unique title for their version of “The Pianist.”

    Transcript

    GoodnightsTranscript

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Dan Aykroyd: 05/17/03: Hardball



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 28: Episode 20



    02t: Dan Aykroyd / Beyonce

    Hardball

    Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
    Andrew Card…..Dan Aykroyd
    Rev. Al Sharpton…..Tracy Morgan
    Sen. Rick Santorum…..Chris Parnell

    Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! President Bush declares that those responsible for this week’s attack in Saudia Arabia will be hunted down and given a dose of American justice! Is it me, or is this administration starting to sound like an episode of “Walker, Texas Ranger”?! I haven’t seen a guy this cocky since Ruben from “American Idol” at a waffle-eating contest! As the election season heats up, the question becomes: Is Bush unstoppable? Or do the Democrats have a David for this Goliath? Joining us tonight, White house Chief-of-Staff Andrew Card!

    Andrew Card: Thanks for having me, Chris.

    Chris Matthews: Whatever you said, shut it! Also joining us, the man who has more track suits than the Wardrobe Department at “The Sopranos”! Democratic Presidential hopeful and political train wreck, Al Sharpton!

    Rev. Al Sharpton: I-I-I’ve got some good stuff for you today, Chris!

    Chris Matthews: Great. But just on principle, I’m still gonna tell you to zip it! Mr. Card, we’re gonna start with you! You see the Republican witnesses heading into the 2004 campaign?

    Andrew Card: Absolutely not! Just look at President Bush’s recent accomplishments. He piloted that fighter jet by himself and landed on the aircraft carrier – people love that! He single-handledly caught Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden.. and made them wrestle each other in a cage match! Two years ago, he came up with the idea for”Joe Millionaire”. He’s amazing!

    Chris Matthews: Uh-huh. And does it bother you that none of that’s true?!

    Andrew Card: Look, Chris.. if it doesn’t bother Karl Rove, it doesn’t bother me.

    Chris Matthews: Fair enough. Al Sharpton! What’s your strategy for combatting such a popular incumbent?!

    Rev. Al Sharpton: [ mumbling incoherently ] Uh.. running-running.. what.. what..?

    Chris Matthews: How’re you gonna win the Presidential election!

    Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh, it’s gonna be easy! Look who I’m runnin’ against: Edwards, Kerry, Gephardt.. nobody knows those dudes!

    Chris Matthews: What about Bush? How you gonna beat him?

    Rev. Al Sharpton: [ confused ] What? Bush can run again?! Aw, come on, dammit! Come on, man! You gotta let me know about these things, dammit!

    Chris Matthews: Sharpton campaign – right about where we all thought it would be! Andrew Card, what will the Democrats have to do to have a chance?

    Andrew Card: Well, the Democrats’ biggest problem is that no one recognizes their candidates. They need someone who’s universally adored. The only shot they have is to.. lower the voting age to 6.. and nominate Spongebob Squarepants.

    Chris Matthews: Andrew, come on.. is it that hopeless, or what?

    Andrew Card: Chris, not even Jesus Christ would run against George Bush. Because, as the Bible clearly states.. Jesus was a Republican.

    Chris Matthews: Nice! That’s a good crazy boy! Our next guest is doing his best to help the Democrats win. He made headlines last week, when he equated homosexual sex with incest and bestiality! Please welcome the man who put the idiot into “He’s an idiot!” Republican Senator Rick Santora! Senator, do you think yur controversial remarks are gonna hurt President Bush in 2004?

    Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I was taken out of context. Uh.. when I said gay sex was as bad as man-on-dog sex, I meant man-on-male dog. Sex between a human make and a female dog, I have no problem with.

    Chris Matthews: Good Lord, this is better than I thought! Keep going!

    Sen. Rick Santorum: I have no problem with gay people. I-I like Liberace.. I like George Michael.. I even like the gay Teletubby. I don’t like it when Liberace, George Michael and the gay Teletubby have sex with each other.

    Chris Matthews: Don’t stop, Sentora! One more time!

    Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris, I’m not asking much. All I’m asking for is every American male to get a tattoo on his fanny that reads “Exit Only”.

    Chris Matthews: [ chuckles ] Three in a row! We call that a turkey where I’m from, people! Final thoughts, Andrew Card!

    Andrew Card: Chris.. this president is unstoppable. He’s 22-feet tall.. he can stop bullets in mid-air like Neo! When he was eight years old, he ran to the moon! I’ve personally seen this man lasso a tornado! And he’ll be our President for the next 200 years! Because he cannot die!

    Chris Matthews: [ talking into a prop telephone ] Hello? Yeah, he’s here. Yeah, okay.. That was the loony bin.. they need you back by eight! Al Sharpton, final thoughts! Your upcoming campaign!

    Rev. Al Sharpton: Uh.. there is no campaign, Chris.. I’m gonna go back to what I do best! Showing up where the rich white people hang out, and screaming at the cameras “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it!”

    Chris Matthews: Believe me.. it’s broke! Sen. Foot-in-Mouth!

    Sen. Rick Santorum: Chris.. my opinions may be unpopular, but they’re not uninformed. I’ve been involved in literally thousands of acts of gay sex, and not once have I felt like it’s okay.

    Chris Matthews: I guess I should have seen that one coming! When we come back, Sen. Santorum’s gonna sing a number from “Hairspray”! But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

    SNL Transcripts

    Give Up The Ham


    02n: Queen Latifah / Ms. Dynamite

    Give Up The Ham

    Jennifer…..Amy Poehler
    Aisha…..Queen Latifah
    Sylvia…..Rachel Dratch
    Shantelle…..Maya Rudolph
    Charlene…..Tracy Morgan
    Emily…..Chris Kattan
    Butcher…..Will Forte
    Narrator…..Chris Parnell


    [Open on exterior of A&P supermarket] [Interior of supermarket, looking down food aisle. A conservatively-dressed white woman with shopping car enters from right, and a casually-dressed black woman with shopping cart enters from left. Each approaches a freezer case in the middle of the aisle and they simultaneously reach for a large ham lying inside.]

    Jennifer: [chuckles] Oh! Isn’t this funny?

    Aisha: Heh. It *sure* is…

    Jennifer: We both want this ham.

    Aisha: We sure did! Hehehe… Well, are you gonna let it go?

    Jennifer: Well, no. I mean, I got here first… so…

    Aisha: Girl, this is *my* ham!

    Jennifer: It’s *my* ham. My husband is bringing home some clients, somevery important clients, and I was going to serve ham. [they begin towrestle more over the ham] There! You thoroughly embarrassed me, so if you would just please…

    Aisha: Nuh-uh! I’m’a take this ham home, and I’m’a eat it! [ham-wrestling intensifies]

    Jennifer: Ma’am, it’s *my* ham…

    Aisha: Don’t you “Ma’am” me, Miss Smarty-Mouth!

    Jennifer: Okay, perfect. Are you satisfied?

    Aisha: I’ll be satisfied when you let go of my ham!

    Jennifer: Uh! I’d hardly expect you to understand this, but I was going to glaze this ham. Do you see what I have in my cart? There’s some cinnamon, some corn syrup, some light brown sugar, half a cup of apple cider… So there you have it, gimme the ham!…

    Aisha: Well, for your infor-fay-she-on, I was gonna put a half a pound of butter on this ham, and pineapple it, and stick mad cloves in it, and then I was gonna bake it, and then me an’ my peoples was gonna eat it. So there you have it…

    [Second conservatively dressed white woman enters from right]

    Sylvia: Oh! Jennifer! Jennifer Hastings!

    Jennifer: Sylvia Nash, my God…

    Sylvia: [looking incredulously at both women’s hands on the ham] What in heaven’s name?!…

    Jennifer: This woman won’t let go of my ham!

    Sylvia: [scolding] You let go of it immediately! That’s Jenny’s ham!

    Aisha: Shut up! I’m takin’ this ham!

    Jennifer: No you’re not…

    Sylvia: [reaching in to assist Mrs. Hastings] Give her the ham, you vulgar lady!

    [Second casually-dressed black woman enters from left]

    Shantelle: Aisha!

    Aisha: Shantelle!

    Shantelle: What you doin’, girl?

    Aisha: These two white bitches is tryin’ to steal my ham!

    Shantelle: Oh no they not! You better let go of that ham befo’ you get hit with it upside ya head!

    Sylvia: Oh, now listen both of you: Jennifer Hastings is one of the finest women I know. If she says that that is her ham, then I am sure that that is *her* ham!

    Jennifer: Thank you, Sylvia. Now let go of the ham!

    [Third casually-dressed black woman enters]

    Charlene: Aisha, Shantello!

    Aisha and Shantelle: [in unison] Hey Charlene!

    Charlene: Why is she pullin’ on that ham?

    Shantelle: ‘Cause it’s *hers*, and Martha Stewart over there won’t let go…

    Jennifer: [sighs]

    Charlene: Well just pull on it, girl — you got some pounds on her!

    Aisha: What you think I been tryin’ to do? She pullin’ on it like a pit bull!

    Jennifer: Uh! How dare you?! I have half a mind…

    Aisha: You let go of this ham!

    Jennifer: Not on your life! [imperiously] This ham will be glazed, in my Viking stove, on my Williams-Sonoma oven rack…

    [Third white woman enters from right, wearing tennis attire and carrying a racket]

    Emily: [approaching] Did I hear Jennifer Hastings?

    Jennifer: Oh! Emily! Thank God…

    Sylvia: Emily, it’s *beyond* horrific: poor Jennifer is about to lose her ham!

    Emily: Oh! [wagging finger] Let go of that ham! That ham belongs to myfriend Jennifer Hastings!

    Charlene: Ohhhh yeah, let me grab that ham! [reaches in to assist]

    Emily: [reaching over with tennis racket and swinging] Keep your hands off her ham!

    Jennifer: Uh! Let go!

    Aisha: You let go!

    Shantelle: You let go!

    Emily: Ham-stealer! You’re a ham-stealer!

    [arguing and wrestling continues] [Faint soulful/psychedelic music begins as long-haired man in butcher’sapron enters from rear left]

    Butcher: Stop it! Stop it this instant! [lights go down as he takes hamfrom between the two women and walks to the front of the freezer case]Everyone just needs to cooooooool out.

    [singing]Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    Oh yeah!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Peace and unity,
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    All right!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Brother loving brother,
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    Oh yeah!…
    Give up the haaaaaam! Let the ham go and
    Give up the haaaaaam!
    [raises ham over head] [Music continues, and ham combatants hum and sway with the music. Mandressed in suit and tie enters foreground from right]

    Narrator: Give up… the ham. Pretty powerful words. I can’t speak for the writer, but maybe this simple piece about a fight over a ham was more about people loving one another in these trying times.

    I *do* know this: the writer of this sketch would really like to thank the makers of Rheingold Beer for their generous offer this week. We don’t often get sent free stuff, so when a case of their very fine beer was delivered to the offices, this particular writer took it upon himself to enjoy the smooth taste of each bottle.

    Although he pounded the sketch out in ten minutes while drunk off his ass, I don’t think that takes away from the enduring message he’s brough forth tonight. So, yeah: let’s *do*… give up the ham. And thanks, Rheingold.

    [Man in suit cocks his head, makes double-gun motion with his hands, and exits. In background, ham combatants hug.]

    Thanks to Amanda for this transcript!

    SNL Transcripts