SNL Transcripts: Matt Damon: 10/05/02: Versace Pockets

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 28: Episode 1

02a: Matt Damon / Bruce Springsteen & The E Street Band

Versace Pockets

Wife…..Amy Poehler
Husband…..Seth Meyers
Donatella Versace…..Maya Rudolph
P. Diddy…..Tracy Morgan
Rosie O’Donnell…..Horatio Sanz
Axl Rose…..Matt Damon

[ open on couple sitting on their living room couch ]

Wife: I’m hungry.

Husband: Me, too.

Wife: I don’t feel like cooking.

Husband: I don’t feel like going out.

[ Donatella Versace rises from behind their couch ]

Donatella Versace: Now you don’t have to.

Together: Donatella Versace?!

Husband: What are you doing behind our couch?

Donatella Versace: I was hoping you would know the answer to that.. Anyway, sounds like somebody needs a snack.

[ dance music pots up ]

Donatella Versace: Check it out. I’ve done it again. New Versace Pockets.

Together: Versace Pockets?!

Donatella Versace: Yes. All the wonderful famous people who like to eat frozen food. Just listen to my friend, P. Diddy..

[ cut to P. Diddy ]

P. Diddy: I always wanted frozen food. But I wanted to pay more for it. Now, I can. Finally. Microwavable food with bling.

[ Donatella steps out of P. Diddy’s freezer ]

Donatella Versace: That’s right, P. Diddy. Because each Versace Pocket comes in its own disposable $75,000 diamond tote!

P. Diddy: Whatchoo doin’ in my freezer?

Donatella Versace: I have no idea.. Versace Pockets come in three exciting flavors. Monterey Chicken.. Champagne.. and my personal favorite, Cheesy Chili Cheeseburger. Now, if you haven’t believed a damn word I’ve said to you so far, then listen to more celebrities go on and on about it.

[ cut to extra dikey-looking Rosie O’Donnell ]

Rosie O’Donnell: Since I quit my TV show and dumped that crapola magazine, I can’t scarf down enough of these delicious Versace Pockets! Nice work, Donna! [ ]

Donatella Versace: And if you still don’t believe that the damn Versace Pockets taste great, just ask my personal new best friend, Mr. Axl Rose.

[ cut to Axl Rose ]

Axl Rose: [ singing ]“You know where you are!
You’re in the microwave, baby!
You’re gonna get eaten!

Donatella Versace: So, quit eating that crap you usually eat, and eat this crap instead.

Axl Rose: Versace Pockets.. rock!

Donatella Versace: From your kitchen to your pie hole; from your pie hole to your poop shoot. The Versace Pockets. Now, please, get out.

Announcer: Versace Pockets. Available by appointment only.

SNL Transcripts