SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Hogwart’s Academy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Hogwart’s Academy

Written by: Joe Kelly

Ron Weasley…..Seth Meyers
Harry Potter…..Rachel Dratch
Hermione Granger…..Lindsay Lohan
Fred Weasley…..Chris Parnell
George Weasley…..Jimmy Fallon
Severus Snape…..Will Forte
Rubeus Hagrid…..Horatio Sanz

[open on exterior of Hogwarts Castle with title: “Hogwart’s Academy” in Harry Potter-style letters] [dissolve to interior, Gryffindor common room, Harry is already present and wearing red and yellow Gryffindor scarf]

Ron: [running down stairs, also wearing Gryffindor scarf] Harry! Harry! Harry Potter! Welcome back! Did you have a good summer?

Harry: No! Voldemort’s returned, and he’s trying to kill me…again!

Ron: I heard. We need Hermione. Is she here yet?

[Hermione enters, wearing a blouse with a plunging neckline, and possessing big breasts and a rather significant cleavage]

Hermione: I got here hours ago. I’ve been in the library, reseraching cloaking spells.

Ron: [takes notice of Hermione’s cleavage] Ah, heh, ah, Hermione! Mmmmm…ha, oh, hmmm…

Harry: Hello, Hermione. Welcome back. How was your summer?

Hermione: Boring. Nothing happened.

Harry: Really? [ looking at Hermione’s chest ] Seems like a lot happened.

Hermione: I don’t know what you’re talking about.

Ron: I can think of a couple things that happened. It’s just that, you see, it’s only been a few months since we last saw you, yet, um, ah, ha…wow! [Harry fixes him with a glare]

Harry: Ron just means that, ah, you look very nice, Hermione.

Hermione: Thank you, Harry. But we have to perform this cloaking spell to protect you from Voldemort. [raises arms and clasps her hands behind her head, thus enhancing her bosom] Protectium invisibum! Come on, what are you waiting for?

[Harry and Ron assume the same pose as Hermione]

Harry and Ron: Protectama invibaba… [mumbling as they stare into Hermione’s cleavage]

Hermione: Are you concentrating on the spell?

Harry and Ron: Uh-huh. [shaking heads “no”]

Hermione: It doesn’t seem to be working!

[Fred and George come down the stairs]

Fred: Hey, Nimrod 2000’s, did you hear the news?

George: Yes, Malfoy bought out all the Firebolts for all the Slyther… [Fred’s jaw drops and so does George’s as soon as he sees Hermione]…ha-ba-ba-ba…Hello, Hermi—Hello, Hermione.

Hermione: Hello, Fred, George. How are you?

Fred and George: Hello, Hermi-aye-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai-yai!

Fred: [ to Hermione ] How are you?

George: How are you doing?

Fred: Let’s hang out for a minute. Incindio! [a fire flares up in the fireplace]

George: Couchio. [a couch behind them moved forward] [Fred and George guide Hermione to sit on the couch with them]

Fred: Stereo. [Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” plays]

Harry: Gah! [music stops] We’re very busy right now! If you haven’t heard, Voldemort has returned and is trying to recruit the Dementors to take over Hogwarts!

George: Hey, Potter, cool it with the nerd stuff. Shut up.

Fred: Listen, we got a place off campus and a mini-fridge filled with butterbeer.

Hermione: I’m sorry boys, we can’t waste time. We’ll celebrate after we defeat Voldemort. [gets off the couch]

George: What a tease. [Fred and George get up from the couch]

Fred: Well, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to go beat a couple of bludgers.

Harry: Ah, ah, going to play some Quidditch?

Fred and George: No.

Hermione: All right, the cloaking spell didn’t work. Let’s try a reverse enchantment. [clasps her hands behind her back and thrusts slightly forward with each repetition] Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. Abrendium madicen. The magic isn’t happening!

Ron: I’m going to disagree with you.

Hermione: But it’s not working.

Ron: Oh, it’s working so much. Please don’t stop.

[Snape enters from stage left, wearing black robes]

Snape: What are you children doing out of bed?

Hermione: Professor Snape! [thrusts her chest in Snape’s face]

Snape: Hey-o! [shields eyes] Okay, let’s break it up here. Let’s move along. [lasciviously] Hermione, is that you?

Hermione: Yes, Professor Snape.

Snape: [nicely] Please, call me Severus. [turns serious] No, no, please call me Professor, Professor Snape! Okay, that’s fifty points each from Gryffindor! Now, go to bed! [exits stage left]

Hermione: All right, we have to hurry. This is our last chance. [takes a book from the table and sets it on the floor] Madame Helena’s Book of Incantations. [picks up an enormous magnifying glass and holds it directly in front of her chest] The print is so small! Ah, that’s better.

Ron: I’ll say.

[Harry and Ron peer into the opposite side of the magnifying glass while Hermione reads]

Hermione: It says here, “Sun to moon, moon to sun, the twilight at will, come undone!” What does that mean?

Harry: I don’t know, but it’s making me nervous and sweaty.

[Hagrid comes down the staircase, wearing green groundskeeper’s robes]

Hermione: Hagrid!

Hagrid: Hello, kids!

Ron: Hagrid.

Hagrid: [to Hermione] Hello, who are you?

Hermione: Hagrid, it’s Hermione.

Hagrid: [eyes widen] Yikes. What happened? Take it out of my brain, take it out! Doot-doot-doot-doot-doot! Okay, well, all right, I’d better go out to the woods and tame my dragon.

Harry: Ah, you got a new pet?

Hagrid: [pause] Nope.

Hermione: I give up. This is ridiculous. We didn’t get anything done, and Voldemort’s on the loose. I’m going upstairs to have a bath. [exits stage right]

Ron: [giddy with lust] Um, Harry. That invisibility cloak, do you still have access to that?

Harry and Ron: Woo-hoo-ha-ha-ha! [they jump and scurry around excitedly as the camera zooms out onto the set of SNL and the sketch ends]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Mary-Kate & Ashley Perfume



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20



03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Mary-Kate & Ashley Perfume

Male Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Female Announcer…..Maya Rudolph
…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen

[ open on product, cutting between it and the Olsen Twins with fan wind blowing through their hair ]

Male Announcer: Hey.. you’re a complex lady, with complex needs. And, for you, one scent just isn’t enough.

Female Announcer: No, it’s not.

Male Announcer: You need something for your elegant side.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And your wild side.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you’re never just one thing.

Female Announcer: You’re two.

Male Announcer: Sometimes you go to the theater.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And sometimes you hit the clubs.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Two frangrances, both completely unique.

Female Announcer: Yet, remarkably similar.

Male Announcer: So, what are you in the mood for, ladies? A drive in a Rolls Royce?

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Or a Mazzaratti?

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you need something to wear to work.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And something to wear Saturday night.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: And something for Sunday morning.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: And something for Sunday afternoon, say around threeish.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: But, what about holidays?

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Jewish holidays?

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: ‘Cause you’re a woman with many sides.

Female Announcer: Primarily two.

Male Announcer: So be ready for everything.

Female Announcer: Literally.

Male Announcer: Coal mining.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Tornadoes.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Spearfishing.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Banjo lessons.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Taxidermy.

Female Announcer: Ashley.

Male Announcer: Knee surgery.

Female Announcer: Mary-Kate.

Male Announcer: Mary-Kate and Ashley.

Female Announcer: For every occasion.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: The Sleepover



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

The Sleepover

Rick…..Heratio Sanz
Kaitlin…..Amy Phoeler
Becky Bacharach…..Lindsay Lohan

(Kaitlin enters living room where Rick is sitting on the couch watching TV)

Kaitlin: Rick! Rick! Rick! Rick! You gotta take it somewhere else! It’s my first sleepover Rick! I can’t have my step-dad hangin around.

Rick: I’m not going anywhere; it’s the Red Sox/Rangers game is on.

Kaitlin: Rick! Becky Bacharach is coming over. She’s the most popular girl in school, she’s coming over, cuz I told her that we had an indoor pool. I lied Rick! (In a singing tone) Cover for meeee! Cover for me Riiiiick!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, I will.

Kaitlin: Good cuz me and Becky are gonna become best friends, and then, and then, we’re gonna live in an apartment and we’re both gonna work at the same movie theater, and we’re gonna sing (gets up and demonstrates) “Thank you for coming to Loews! Sit back and relax – enjoy the show!”

(Doorbell rings)

Kaitlin: (Kaitlin runs around the couch) Oh Rick she’s here! She’s here Rick! She’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here! She’s here! Rick, she’s here!

Rick: (Rick gets up to answer the door) Alright! Alright!

(Becky enters the house with her sleepover gear)

Becky: (Hands Rick a piece of paper) Here’s my mom’s cell phone number. Ok, I’m totally here now, but if this sleep over gets boring at any point, I’m leaving.

Kaitlin: Ok, Rick, this is Becky. Becky, this is my step-dad Rick. Becky, what do you want to do first? Talk, watch TV, tell secrets, fashion show?—

Becky: Let me stop you right there. I know this is your first sleepover, but I’ve been to like literally thousands of them, and the first thing we do is compare sleeping bags and tell secrets. So, I present to you…My sleeping bag! It’s from Shrek 3 and Shrek 2 isn’t even out yet.

Kaitlin: Oh my God Rick! A sleeping bag from the future! Where’s my sleeping bag Rick? Rick, Rick, Rick where’s my sleeping bag? Where’s my sleeping bag Rick?

Rick: (Takes knitted blanket from couch) It’s right here. It’s a super duper Afghan sleeping bag. It’s got ventilation holes there for you.

Kaitlin: Oh this is awesome, cuz you can wear it like this, or you can look through it like this, or you can spy on people like this, or you can put your hand through it like this, or you can wrap it around you like this and be like “La la la la la la la…”

Becky: I’m bored! Let’s tell secrets. I’ll start. Karen McCarthy has B.O.

Kaitlin: I’m afraid of thunder.

Becky: David Alexander wears lip gloss.

Kaitlin: I split my pants on the balance beam.

Becky: Paige Hatchet doesn’t have a TV in her house.

Kaitlin: I had lice once.

Becky: You’re not supposed to tell secrets about yourself stupid.

Kaitlin: Oh, I know, cuz, I got one. One time Rick, Rick’s on disability, cuz one time, he was on the roof and he was drunk, and he slid off the roof and he was like “Woah-oah-oah-oah!” Rick, remember that Rick how you said you were on disability but really you were lying?!

Rick: Alright Kaitlin, cool it.

Becky: I’m bored. Maybe I should call my mom.

Kaitlin: No! Wait! Music trivia! Music trivia! Who sings this? (Kaitlin gets up and dances while she sings) Amedus! Amedus! Amedus! Amedus!

(Becky mimics her in background)

Rick: Falco!

Kaitlin: (Poses with one leg up, elbow on knee and chin on fist) Rock me Amedus!

Becky: What song is this? (Sings while jumping up and down on the couch) Life style of the rich and the famous!…

Kaitlin: …Of the rich and the famous! Oh God I know that song, but I don’t know who sings it! Who sings it? What person or group Rick? (Sings) What person or group Rick, sings that song?! Rick Rick Rick! C’mon Rick!

Rick: I don’t know!

Becky: It’s Good Charlotte. They’re probably gonna sing at my birthday party, but we have to call my dad first.

Kaitlin: One time…Listen to this!…One time, on my birthday, I was at Wendy’s and I was eating, and I choked on a pickle and my whole life flashed before my eyes and I was like “I’ve never been to Disneyland; not yet Jesus.” And then I came to, and I barfed all over the Wendy’s and then they came out and the owner manager gave me a coupon for one free hamburger a year for life! Remember that Rick Rick Rick?!

Becky: Ok Kaitlin, I still might leave this sleepover, but I’ll stay if you know the answer to this question. (Pulls Kaitlin aside) Do you know how babies are made?

Kaitlin: Yes.

Becky: How are they made?

Kaitlin: You start.

Becky: Ok, you lay down, and the lights go out and then a boy pees on your bathing suit! Kaitlin, let’s go in your pool!

Kaitlin: Oh. My pool. Oh my pool…(Walks sideways over to Rick) Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick Rick she wants to know about the pool.

Rick: Oh the pool’s closed for cleaning.

Becky: Well, can I see it? Where is it? It’s not in the basement is it?

Rick: Oh, you don’t need to see it. You know, it looks just like the one at your house, except MORE AWESOME.

Kaitlin: (Laughs in relief and whispers to Rick) Thank you Rick. Rick Rick Rick Rick! Awesome! It’s show time! Everybody get behind the couch! Let’s go! Rick introduce us!

Becky: Come on Rick!

Rick: It’s the Kaitlin and Becky Show.

Kaitlin: With special appearances by Raven Simone!

Becky: The Rock!

Kaitlin: Jamie Lynn Spears!

Becky: Denis Leary!

(Come from around the couch and bow and say thank you to the “audience”)

(Becky takes a beer and sings “Lifestyle of the Rich and the Famous” into it while Kaitlin takes two and sings “Amedus” into both)

Rick: Alright, put the beers back. (Takes beers from the girls) Put the beers back. Cool out. Alright, you guys have a good night. Be cool.

Both Girls: Rick Rick!

Rick: Alright, it’s almost lights out alright! Have fun!

Becky: Rick, Rick, Riiick!

Kaitlin: Thanks Rick!

Becky: Thanks Rick!

Kaitlin: Hey Becky, can I ask you a question? Have you really been to over a thousand sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Is this your favorite one?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you sleepy?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you falling asleep?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Are you still awake?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are you still having fun?

Becky: Yes.

Kaitlin: Are your eyes closed?

Becky: No.

Kaitlin: Do you enjoy sleepovers?

Becky: Yes.

(Fades)

Submitted by: Mia Velarde

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Photographers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20



03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Photographers

Photographer #1…..Amy Poehler
Photographer #2…..Ashley Olsen
Photographer #3…..Mary Kate Olsen

[open on HOLLYWOOD sign, dissolve to stock footage of photographers at a red carpet event, dissolve to three photographers at the front of a large crowd of papparazzi] [Cameron Diaz walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #1: Cameron, Cameron, Cameron, where’s Justin?

Photographer #2: Cameron, congratulations on Shrek 2!

Photographer #3: Love the dress, Cameron! Show me your bare feet, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Cameron! Cameron, pretend you’re surfing! [makes surfing motion] Pretend you’re surfing!

All: Thank you, Cameron!

Photographer #1: Oh, she’s great. We hang out a lot.

Photographer #2: Really?

Photographer #1: Yeah, I hide behind a Pepsi machine across the street from her dematoogist’s office, and she always waves at me when I take her picture.

All: J. Lo! J. Lo! J. Lo!

[Jennifer Lopez walks by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Are you engaged?

Photographer #1: Beautiful, J. Lo, show us your ring!

Photographer #2: Put the ring near your butt!

Photographer #3: Let’s get the ring and the butt close together!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, beautiful. Rub your butt like a genie! [rubs her butt] Marc Anthony, pretend you’re a genie coming out of J. Lo’s butt.

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #2: Come out of J. Lo’s butt like a genie!

Photographer #3: Come on, Marc Anthony.

Photographer #1: Man, I’ll tell you. Her and Affleck, those were good old days.

Photographer #3: Oh, tell me about it. I took a shot of them on Cape Cod, and he’s handing her some flowers, but it looks like he’s punching her. That picture paid for my lasix.

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina!

[Angelina Jolie walks by, seen only from the back, and holding a small child]

Photographer #2: Angelina, stick out your lips! There you go, lick your lips!

Photographer #1: Beautiful, Angelina, show us your tattoos. Angelina, who are you having sex with tonight?!

Photographer #3: Angelina, hold up your kid!

Photographer #1: Yeah, hold up your kid like a purse! Now put him in the front of your pants, like you’re a kangaroo!

Photographer #2: And one of you alone, please, without the baby!

Photographer #3: Yeah, we want one without the kid!

Photographer #1: Without the kid, please!

[the child is thrown to Photographer #3, who catches it]

All: Thank you, Angelina!

[Photographer #3 throws the baby back]

Photographer #1: Beatiful, Olsen twins!

[the Olsen twins walk by, seen only from the back]

Photographer #3: Olsen twins, which one of you is which?!

Photographer #2: Which one of you is which?! [to 1] Which one’s which?

Photographer #1: Ashley’s the one giving you the finger.

Photographer #2: Right. Are you hungy?!

Photographer #3: Mary Kate, you’re too skinny! Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #2: Yeah, eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Eat a sandwich! Put your arms around each other! Stand back to back! Pretend you’re Siamese!

Photographer #2: Cute one smile! Cute one smile!

Photographer #3: Ugly one, give a thumbs up!

All: Oh, boo!

Photographer #3: Eat a sandwich!

Photographer #1: Come on, give a thumbs up! Give a thumbs up!

Photographer #2: I hear they never learned to read.

Photographer #3: Oh, I heard they get paid in cocaine.

Photographer #1: That’s what I heard, too. Courtney!

[Courntey Love staggers wildly by, seen only from the back]

All: Courtney! Courtney!

Photographer #1: Courtney, let me see that bruise, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Make a devil face!

Photographer #2: Let that homeless guy touch your boobs!

Photographer #1: Excellent, Courtney! Do something crazy, Courtney!

Photographer #3: Crazy!

Photographer #1: Oh, God!

[disgusted gasps from the entire crowd]

Photographer #1: Come on, Courtney, close that up!

Photographer #2: Put that away! Nobody wants to see that!

Photographer #3: That girl needs to get some boundaries.

Photographer #1: Dakota!

[a pixie-ish blond walks by, seen only from the back]

All: Dakota! Dakota!

Photographer #1: Oh, that’s not Dakota Fanning. That’s David Spade.

All: David, we love you!

Photographer #1: Bachelor guy!

Photographer #2: Get over there with that Apprentice guy!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! American Idol girl, put your fingers in the Apprentice guy’s mouth!

Photographer #3: Now, Bachelor dude, stand on your head!

Photographer #1: Beautiful! Bachelorette lady, squat down and let the Survivor guy get on your shoulders! Excellent! Now, everybody wrestle! [Courtney Love runs past in the opposite direction] Oh, Courtney, get out of there!

Photographer #3: Hey, I just got a picture of Omarosa’s nipple popping out!

Photographer #2: Mother F-ing jackpot!

[Photographer #2 and Photographer #3 high-five]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18





03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover

Written by: Joe Kelly

Mom…..Amy Poehler
Dr. Edward Turlington…..Chris Parnell

[ open on Mom setting the kitchen table for breakfast ]

Mom: Boys! Breakfast is ready!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: There’s a serious problem afflicting a generation of women, and, if not treated early on, it will only get worse as you get older..

[ Mom reaches high into the cupboard, revealing a lower back tattoo that reads “Juicy” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Really cool lower back tattoos. Seemed like such a good idea at the time, didn’t it?

[ Mom nods ashamedly ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Hello. I’m Dr. Edward Turlington. Studies show that, next to smoking and having sex, getting a lower back tattoo is the best thing a young woman can do to be cool. And you ladies were cool. But now look at you. Let’s face it – you’re not young any more. You’re not even close.

[ various moms’ back tattoos are shown aged, faded and haggard ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: That’s why you need.. Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ Dr. Turlington holds up product ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Look.. here’s a really cool lower back tattoo on an attractive 20-year old girl.

[ slim figure has lower back tattoo reading “Pretty Lady” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Now, watch what happens to that tattoo when that young girl becomes a 65-ywar old woman.

[ slim figure ages badly with wrinkles, the lower back tattoo stretching to read “Pretty Sad” ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Pretty sad indeed. That’s why I developed Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover. Just apply once, every hour, for 72 straight hours. And watch that tattoo slowly burn away.

[ deodorant-like canister is rubbed back and forth across the tattoo ]

Mom: Mother (bleep)!!

Dr. Edward Turlington: That tingling means it’s working. Soon enough, that silly mistake will be long gone..

[ show lower back tattoo-free but covered with unsightly welts and scars ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: ..and that slight discoloration will be the only thing to remind you of that crazy weekend in Jamaica.

[ Mom hugs her son, as a little black boy enters scene for a hug ]

Dr. Edward Turlington: Well.. maybe not the only thing. [ chuckles ]

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Turlington’s Lower Back Tattoo Remover.

[ show Mom applying the remover to her tattoo ]

Mom: Ahhhh!!

Dr. Edward Turlington V/O: Because it won’t be cool forever.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Summer Nights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20












03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Summer Nights
..written by: Amy Poehler

…..cast of “Saturday Night Live”

[ open on studio backstage area, a line of lockers belonging to cast members ] [ Maya Rudolph and Rachel Dratch sit on a bench, as Seth Meyers and Chris Parnell close their lockers; Darrell Hammond leans placidly against a locker, smoking a cigarette ]

Seth Meyers: Well.. it’s the last sketch of the show.

Darrell Hammond: And the last show of the season.

Amy Poehler: [ enters ] I’m sad, you guys. I don’t want the season to be over. I hope we keep in touch.

Fred Armisen: [ enters ] Hey, you guys – there’s a huge party at Rachel’s house!

Rachel Dratch: [ hearing this for the first time ] There is?

Maya Rudolph: Everybody’s gonna be there!

Rachel Dratch: They are?

[school bell rings ]

Fred Armisen: That’s it! Summer’s here! It’s summertime!

[ Chris Parnell, Seth Meyers, Kenan Thompson and Finesse Mitchell snap their fingers and break into the harmony from “Summertime” by The Jamies ]

All: [ harmonizing ]“Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summertime, Summertime, Sum-Sum-Summertime
Summerti-i-ime!”

Maya Rudolph: “No more cameras, no more lights.”

Rachel Dratch: “No more sketches, left to write.”

Amy Poehler: “No more orgies, Thursday night.”

[ everyone stops in their tracks, looks at a now-coyish Amy ]

Rachel Dratch: What orgies?

Amy Poehler: What? Huh?

All: “It’s Summerti-i-i-ime!”

Horatio Sanz: [ enters ] Hey, guys – I’m going on vacation!

Rachel Dratch: Well, where are you going, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: To the greatest city on Earth!

Maya Rudolph: Where’s that, Horatio? [ says “Horatio” with heavy Spanish inflection ]

Horatio Sanz: Right here! In New York City!

[ everyone – except Darrell, who leans against the lockers in the background, smoking a cigarette and tapping it against a coffee cap as he stares blankly – ducks offscreen ]

Horatio Sanz: [ singing “Summer In The City” by The Lovin’ Spoonful ]“Hot town, summer in the city!
Back of my neck gettin’ dirt and gritty!”

Fred Armmisen: [ singing ]“Cool cat, lookin’ for a kitty!
Gonna look in every corner of the city!”

Together: [ singing ]“All around, people lookin’ half-dead
Walkin’ on the sidewalk, hotter than a match head!”

[ they stop singing, as horatio bends over hacking, coughing and wheezing from overexertion ]

Fred ArmisenYou alright, Horatio?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m cool. [ places inhaler in his mouth ]

Will Forte: [ enters ] You sure you okay, buddy?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah, yeah, I’m just —

Will Forte: You alright?

Horatio Sanz: Yeah..

Amy Poehler: Wow.. you alright, Horatio? [ to Will ] It looks like he’s out of breath.

Will Forte: Yeah. Well, what he needs is a nice summer breeze.

[ Horatio and Fred step offscreen, as Will and Amy look into one another’s eyes and break into “Summer Breeze” by Seals & Croft ]

Will & Amy: [ singing ]“Summer Breeze!
Makes me feel fine!
Blowin’ through the jasmine in my mi-ind!”

[ Maya re-enters, making the song’s electric guitar sound effects with her mouth ]

Fred Armisen: [ rushes back in, holding a strip of paper triumphantly ] Hey, guys! I just got Jimmy’s phone number!

[ everyone crowds around Fred to see; even Darrell Hammond suddenly changes position to remain in background of the camera angle ]

Finesse Mitchell: Let me see that.

Fred Armisen: It’s 5-5, 5-5-5!

Chris Parnell: Whoa!

Fred Armisen: We’re totally gonna hang out!

[ Tina Fey, dressed much like Sandy in “Grease”, enters scene clutching her Weekend Update notes, and sits on the bench. The girls excitedly crowd around her, leaving the boys alone off to the side ]

Girls: Hey! Hi, Tina! Hi!

Amy Poehler: So.. have you talked to Jimmy?

Tina Fey: [ glumly ] No. I haven’t seen him since Update.

Amy Poehler: Ohhh. Well, where have you been?

Tina Fey: In the cafeteria, eating my feelings.

[ cut to the guys, as Jimmy Fallon, clad in a leather jacket much like Danny Zuckow, enters acting all cool and makes his presence known ]

Jimmy Fallon: Heyyyy, guys!

[ the guys are as excited as a flock of teenage girls to see Jimmy ]

Jimmy Fallon: Hey, what am I, like, at a dog convention?

[ the familiar chords of “Summer Lovin'” pot up, as the girls become excitedly to see Jimmy nearby, and the guys goad Jimmy into making his way toward Tina ]

Jimmy Fallon: “Summer lovin’, had me a bla-ast!”

Tina Fey: “Summer lovin’, happened so fa-ast!”

Jimmy Fallon: “I met a girl, crazy for me-ee!”

Tina Fey: “I met a boy, cute as can be-ee!”

[ cut to split-screen of Jimmy and Tina, even though they’re only inches apart ]

Together:
“Summer day, driftin’ away
To uh oh, those summer nights!”

All: “Well uh, well uh, well uh..”

Girls:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Was it love at first sight!”

Guys:
“Tell me more, tell me more!
Did she put up a fight!

Jimmy Fallon:
“It turned colder, that’s where it ends
So I told her, we’d still be friends.”

Tina Fey: “Then we made, our true love vow.”

[ full shot of locker room, as Jimmy walks over to Tina ]

Together: “Wonder what, he/she’s doing now.”

[ Jimmy reaches his hand to Tina’s face, nearly knocking the glasses off her face ]

Together:
“Summer dreams, ripped at the seams
Bu-ut..”

[ Jimmy moves his hand down Tina’s jacket, grazing her breast to her great surprise ]

Together: “Those Sat-ur-day ni-i-i-ights!”

All:
“Tell me more..
Tell me more..
Tell me mo-o-o-ore!”

[ zoom out to wide shot of the cast, and fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Club Traxx



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Club Traxx

Beertje Van Beers…..Maya Rudolph
Leonard…..Fred Armisen
Chichi Chi…..Amy Poehler
Vidal…..Will Forte
Natasha…..Lindsay Lohan
Tasha…..Rachel Dratch
Yuri…..Chris Parnell

[open on title: “EUROVIZION” followed by full schedule]

Announcer: [voice over] Coming up next on Eurovizion, it’s “Club Traxx.” At 23:01, “The Royal Swedish Ballet.” 23:15, “Child’s Corner.” And at 24:10, it’s “Buttspankers.”

[dissolve to a studio in the style of a dance club with title: “CLUB TRAXX”] [title fades]

Beertje: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] Hey! Hello, freaks! Do you have a clock? Because it’s time to get your freak out! You’re watching television and this is “Club Traxx.” I’m Beertje Van Beers.

[titles: “BEERTJE VAN BEERS,” “LEONARD”]

Leonard: [with heavy, nondescript European accent] And Leonard!

[titles fade]

Beertje: Hey, guys. Check me out. We’re counting down Eruope’s top video hits. I’d better put on my bikini and my flip flops, because this is the hottest show in the Universe.

Leonard: It’s really great!

Beertje: Wow, Leonard, you seem like one cool dude. Please tell us why this is.

Leonard: Well, this is because I love reggae music. [reggae beat begins, and Leonard speaks in time with it] Yeah, reggae music. With Bob Marley. Drinking coconuts. With a woman. So many dreadlocks. [music stops] Yes, reggae!

Beertje: Hey, pass the dutchie, Rastafari! Now let’s take a look at the top three videos on Eurovizion’s countdown.

Leonard: Coming in at number three, it is Chichi Chi with the song “Neon.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “3”] [dissolve to video, with Chichi Chi in a techno club with small Icelandic flag and title: “Chichi Chi ‘Neon'”] [techno music plays while two men in black mesh outfits perfrorm vogue-like dance moves]

Chichi Chi: [singing] “Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da. Da-da-da.”

[dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Woo-hoo! Coming in at number two, it’s Vidal with “Don’t Forget to Dance with Me.”

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “2”] [dissolve to video, with Vidal in front of sand dunes with small Greek flag and title: “Vidal ‘Don’t Forget to Dance with Me'”] [Mediterranean music plays]

Vidal: [singing] “Don’t forget to dance with me. / Don’t forget your…” [lyrics indistinct] [dissolve to studio]

Beertje: Hey! And at number one for the eleventieth week in a row, here in the studio, please welcome D.A.D.I.!

[dissolve to sequential title screens: “CLUB TRAXX,” “1”] [dissolve to studio]

Leonard: D.A.D.I.!

Natasha: [with Russian accent] What?! What?! What are you looking at?

[title: “D.A.D.I.”]

Tasha: [with Russian accent] Yeah, what’s the big deal? Have you never seen two innocent girls before?

[title fades]

Natasha: Yeah, what is the big deal? We are just two best friends who love to hold hands. We love to go to the movies. And we love to pretend that we are lesbians and write songs about it! I love you, Tasha!

Tasha: I love you, Natasha!

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly]

Leonard: Wow! You know, the two of you together is like firecrackers! How did you become this lesbian duo?

Natasha: I was in the army.

Tasha: I was a mail-order bride.

Natasha: And we met Manager Yuri, who told us if we pretend to be lesbians it will sell many records.

[pan to Yuri, offstage, nodding vigorously and giving the thumbs up] [pan to stage]

Beertje: Yeah! What’s up dawg? Lesbians are the new gay people. Yeah!

Leonard: Yes, there are many pictures of them on my portable computer.

Beertje: Oh, cut me some slacks, will you, Leonard? Why don’t you please get a room? Now let’s get the party started. Here to sing their hit song, “We’re on the Run,” is D.A.D.I.!

[pop music plays]

Natasha: “We’re on the run.”

Tasha: “We’re having fun.”

Both: “We don’t need no one / But each other. / We’re about to make out. / Here it comes. / You’re not gonna believe your eyes / When two girls make out. / It’s almost make out time. / Here it is.”

[Natasha and Tasha grasp each other and flail wildly] [music stops]

Beertje: All right! You guys are bad to the bone! So what’s the 4-1-1 on the horizon for D.A.D.I.?

Natasha: First, we are going to say, “No!” to school!

Tasha: Yeah, and spraypaint graffiti against the walls!

Natasha: And crash cars and scream at babies! We’re bad, man. So what?!

Tasha: Also, we are making a world tour to raise money so Yuri can buy a boat.

[pan to Yuri, shrugging] [dissolve to stage]

Beertje: Yeah, man, that’s toxic!

Leonard: Uh, oh. All of this excitement is giving me the blues.

Beertje: Oh, no, Leonard! There he goes again! Everybody!

[a festive beat plays]

Leonard: [singing] “I got the blues.”

Both: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[Leonard continues alone]

Beertje: Hey, big ups to D.A.D.I.; you guys are so terribly outrageous.

Natasha: Bad girls, yeah!

Beertje: Peace.

[shot widens to reveal a person dancing in a bunny suit]

All: [singing] “I got the blues. / I got the blues. / I got the blues.”

[title: “CLUB TRAXX”] [fade to black]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: The Swan



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20



03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

The Swan

Amanda Byram…..Maya Rudolph
Vicki…..Mary-Kate Olsen
Dr. Lance Haggart…..Chris Parnell
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Reporter…..Rachel Dratch
Jasmine Ranseed…..Tina Fay
Dr. Simone…..Seth Meyers
Vicki’s Reflection…Ashley Olsen

[open on title and logo: “The Swan”]

Voice Over: In the most unique competition ever, two ordinary women compete for the ultimate prize. [dissolve to “before” pictures of Vicki and Amber] Who will go to the pageant? Who will go home? [dissolve to “The Swan” logo] Tonight on The Swan!

[dissolve to mansion with Amanda Byram entering through double doors, opened by men in tuxedos]

Amanda: Good evening. I’m Amanda Byram. I have an English accent. Tonight, we meet two women who are ready to change their lives. They have handed themsevles over to a team of plastic surgeons and gone through a brutal three month makeover, all for the chance to become beauty queens. Let’s see their before videos.

[dissolve to Vicki, who has very heavy eyebrows, a large nose, and other notably unattractive features, in a nondescript domestic setting] [title: “Vicki, 29 years old”]

Vicki: I was never a classic beauty. People always told me I was beautiful on the inside. But then I had some X-rays done, and my insides are butt ugly, too.

[dissolve to Dr. Lance Haggart in an office setting] [title: “Dr. Lance Haggart, Plastic Surgeon”]

Dr. Haggart: Vicki is what we doctors call, “fugly.” But I’m optimistic, and I have a plan. Basically, we’re gonna take some skin from her butt, and do some stuff.

[dissolve to blue screen where images of Vicki and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Vicki’s Swan plan included an eyebrow shift, cheek flush, lip segmentation, tongue shave, finger wax, ear tuck, bobby pin removal, and seven inch femur implants. She was put on a diet of broth and diet coke, and underwent weekly training sessions where she was chased by a pack of dogs. Good luck, Vicki. Now, on to our next competitor.

[dissolve to Amber, who has one leg, standing in front of a wall] [title: “Amber, 29 years old”]

Amber: Yo, check me out. My name is Amber, and here’s how I do. I got nonstop hotness, hardcore learning disabilities, constant horniness, and I’m rockin’ one leg. Whoo! Yeah! I don’t know what they can do to me, ’cause this bird is already Swanned out! All I want is some medicine for my ringworm, and a cool-ass face tattoo. What-what?! [raises the roof] [dissolve to blue screen where images of Amber and schematics of procedures are displayed]

Amanda: Amber’s recommended Swan plan was leg augmentation, complete nasal rejuvenation, neck fat displacement, gum dying, removal of third nipple, nail fungus treatment, attitude adjustment, general cleaning, and a full head transplant.

[dissolve to Dr. Haggart]

Dr. Haggart: Amber was a very difficult patient to treat. She refused to do any cosmetic or dental surgery. Attempts were made to put her on a stricter diet, but we were limited because she suffers from Lyme Disease, hypoglycemia, and a flatulence problem that I suspect she can control.

[dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Will Vicki and Amber be pleased with their new selves? Which one will continue on to the pageant? Am I made of wax? We’ll find out, right after this.

[dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”] [dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”] [dissolve to reporter in news room]

Reporter: Nine area schoolchildren are molested to death while their teachers buy drugs from your dentist! HAAAAARGH! Toxic mold!

[dissolve to title and voice over: “Fox News”] [dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”] [dissolve to mansion]

Amanda: Before we let Amber and Vicki see themselves for the first time in three months, Dr. Haggart, any final thoughts?

Dr. Haggart: I think you’ll find Vicki and Amber are more confident now. They’re independent women, standing on their own two feet, except for Amber, who refused any kind of prosthetic because she didn’t want to, quote, “slow down access to her lady parts.”

Amanda: Our fashion stylist, Jasmine Ranseed.

Jasmine Ranseed: I think they look beautiful.

Amanda: And our resident therapist, Dr. Simone. Any thoughts?

Dr. Simone: This is a…t-t-terrible, why am I here? This is a terrible, reprehensible show!

Amanda: Indeed. It has been three long months since these women have seen themselves in a mir-ror. Now it is the moment of truth. Please welcome the new Vicki.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Vicki, who is now beautiful and is wearing a glamorous red dress with evening gloves] [Vicki walks to the full-length mirror

Vicki: [gasps] Oh, my God! I can’t believe it! [touches her nose] Look at my nose! [grasps her breasts, turns to the side, lunges to the side, jumps up and down, falls forward sobbing, raises up and falls forward sobbing again, while all of this is mimicked by her reflection] [Vicki’s reflection produces a tissue from the bosom of her dress and gives it to Vicki]

Vicki: Thank you. [returns the tissue to her reflection, who tucks it away]

Amanda: And now, Amber. Amber, come on out.

[men in tuxedos open the double doors to admit Amber, who looks exactly like she did before except that she has a black spiderweb tattoo on her face]

Amber: Damn, I’m looking good. Who needs a swan? I’m a flamingo! [hops over to the mirror] Oooooh! This tattoo makes me horny! [she tongues the corner of her mouth]

Amanda: Amber, Vicki, you know only one of you can go on to the final Swan pageant.

Amber: You goin’ down, mon chi chi!

Amanda: Here, give me a hug. [she woodenly places her arms over Amber’s chest and Vicki’s face] Are you nervous?

Vicki: No, I know that whatever happens, I still get to keep these boobs.

Amanda: The judges have voted.

Amber: Good. I hope they did vote!

Amanda: And the winner is.

Amber: Good. I hope there is a winner!

Amanda: Please shut up.

Amber: Yeah, I will shut up.

Amanda: The winner is…Vicki.

Vicki: Oh, my God! I’m still so unhappy inside.

Amber: Who cares? I didn’t want to win, anyway. [hops and farts] Yeah, I farted. Jealous? [hops and farts]

Dr. Haggart: [to other specialists] I told you she could control it.

[Amanda and Vicki wave air away from their noses]

Amber: I’m audi, nerds! I’m going to go on Howard Stern and have a midget throw balogna at my ass! Suck it! [hops away, farting] [dissolve to title and logo: “The Swan”]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18




03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20




03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts