SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Billy Joel



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Billy Joel

Girl 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Girl 2…..Amy Poehler
Girl 3…..Tina Fey
Girl 4…..Maya Rudolph
Billy Joel…..Horatio Sanz

(Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)

Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.

Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!

Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?

Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.

Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?

(Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)

Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?

Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)

Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.

Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.

Girl 3: You look really familiar.

Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”

Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.

Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)

Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?

Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.

Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)

Girl 1: What are you doing?

Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

(Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)

Girl 1: You know…

Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!

Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?

Girls: DOG!!!

Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)

Girl 2: What?!

Girl 4: Do something!!

Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!

Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

(Billy wakes up)

Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?

Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!

Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

(They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)

Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!

Girl 1: You should be in jail!!

Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!

Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!

(The girls all change their tunes)

Girls: Oooohhh!

Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….

(They all get of the car towards the party)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Scheinwald Pictures



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19


03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Scheinwald Pictures

Abe Scheinwald….Rachel Dratch
Brad Scheinwald….Seth Meyers
Night Terrors….Snopp Dogg

(Opens with the Scheinwald Pictures building. Cut to an office, Brad Scheinwald is a yuppie movie exec, he´s talking with a pimp-looking, gold chain-wearing black guy)

Night Terrors: What I like most about my screenplay “Booty Hotel”, other than the fact that every room in the hotel has a different booty, is its heart. It has a lot of heart.

Brad Scheinwald: I´m gonna be straight with you, Night Terrors — “Booty Hotel” isn´t really our kind of movie.

Night Terrors: But every room in the hotel has a different kind of booty!

Brad Scheinwald: Yeah, you made that very clear. The thing is that Scheinwald Studios is trying to move into a new direction towards more intellectual material.

Night Terrors: You want intellectual? One room has, check it, librarian booty.

Brad Scheinwald: Right, yeah. We´re still going to pass.

(Abe Scheinwald walks into the room eating potato salad and wearing a tuxedo. He´s a short, balding, white haired man with big thick black eyeglasses. He also has a script in his hand.)

Abe Scheinwald: Who wants to make a picture?! (Brad groans) Kiddo! I just found our next moneymaker!! (throws script on the table) Someone left this script in the crapper. “Booty Hotel”! It´s brilliant!! (sits)

Night Terrors: You read my script?

Abe Scheinwald: I read it twice. Nothing was moving down there.

Brad Scheinwald: Grandpa, this gentleman was just leaving.

Abe Scheinwald: No one leaves here unless I say so! (bangs fist into table) I´m Abe Scheinwald! I was making movies while you were still swimming in your dad´s sac!

Brad Scheinwald: Okay, Grandpa.

Abe Scheinwald: Who are you?

Night Terrors: The name is Night Terrors.

Abe Scheinwald: Night Terrors? Farkatke name. Great script, but a farkatke name!

Night Terrors: I like you, weird old dude. You´re like that old muppet that be hanging in the balcony criticizing people.

Abe Scheinwald: Pleasure to meet you. I´m Abe Scheinwald and I make motion pictures. (shakes hands with Night Terrors, sits)

Brad Scheinwald: My grandpa retired from the biz 11 years ago, but still manages to pop in about 5 days a week, about 8 hours a day. I thought you had a doctor´s appointment.

Abe Scheinwald: Feh! What do I need from doctors? Turn your head and cough? No, thanks. I gave at the office. Night Terrors, I´m ready to green light but I have one tiny problem with your script. Can I make a suggestion?

Night Terrors: Most definitely.

Abe Scheinwald: Your hotel is now a boat. “Booty Boat”! Why? More bikinis.

Brad Scheinwald: (disappointed) Great.

Night Terrors: That right there is brilliant. Because some of the bikini stuff did seem a bit shoehorned, but, you know, this movie ain´t just about big, juicy rear shelves. No, sir. It’s about heart and big thick legs and bumpin´ta-tas.

Brad Scheinwald: Pops, I thought Scheinwald Studios was now moving more toward Award-winning fare and, you know, get away from, you know, bumpin´ta-tas.

Abe Scheinwald: Since when do you decide what interests us? (to Night Terrors) This one wanted me to make a movie about a kid at school who had magical powers. I said I liked it better the first time, when it was called “Teen Wolf”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “Harry Potter”. We passed on “Harry Potter”.

(Abe gives a thumbs down and blows a few raspberries. Keeps eating potato salad)

Abe Scheinwald: Now, who do you see in the role of Party Ho Number Two?

Night Terrors: Well, there´s only two choices. Halle Berry, or my sister´s friend Dartrella. She´s always telling me to stop hanging around the nail shop. But I bet if I put her in a movie, she´d drop all that attitude.

Abe Scheinwald: You know, the receptionist over at my foot doctor´s would make a good fit, too. She hasn´t got a lot of experience, but I bet she takes her top off for snail!

(Seth ad-libs, aware of Rachel´s word mistake)

Brad Scheinwald: For what?

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel cracks up a little) I´m sorry. For scale!

Brad Scheinwald: Just promise me — yeah, I understand…

Abe Scheinwald: (Rachel ad-libs) It’s the business! (eats potato salad)

Brad Scheinwald: I´m in the business — just promise me neither of you will never compromise, guys.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, okay. These robots — would there be real robots, or actresses in costumes? I´m leaning towards the latter.

Night Terrors: Yo´, then we got a problem because I won´t compromise. This story is based on my life. They got to be real robots.

Abe Scheinwald: Ah, Night Terrors, you got to trust me. I´ve produced over 51 motion pictures! (pounds on table)

Brad Scheinwald: Just say 52.

Abe Scheinwald: Such as “Great American Panty Raid”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! That´s a good film.

Abe Scheinwald: “Bikini Hospital”!

Night Terrors: Classic.

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape To Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: One of a kind!

Abe Scheinwald: “Escape From Nipple Island”!

Night Terrors: Oooh! Top shelf!

Abe Scheinwald: “Pardon Me Ma´am: You´re Stepping On My Ding-Dong”!

Night Terrors: You brought new life to a sagging franchise.

Abe Scheinwald: Not to mention some of the most beloved black-themed movies of the 70´s. Such as “Bride of Blackenstein”! “Whitey and Cinnamon: Attorneys At Law”!

Brad Scheinwald: Lawyers…

Abe Scheinwald: And “It Came From Outer Space And It was Black”!

Night Terrors: My people — I tell you, my people owe you a debt of gratitude.

Abe Scheinwald: Now, are we on the same page?

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, I believe you and I are completely in tune. Clearly, you understand the power of double-D breasts. Because we both know that if you get a girl with double-D´s, then you will double these. (takes out a dollar bill)

Abe Scheinwald: Double D´s, double these… (looks at Brad for confirmation)

Brad Scheinwald: (defeated) Double D´s, double these…

Abe Scheinwald: Ha, ha, ha! Finally, he comes around! I was losing hope with this one. He wanted me to make a movie about a scientist and his crazy experiments. I said, I liked it better the first time when it was called “The Nutty Professor”!

Brad Scheinwald: It was “A Beautiful Mind”. We passed on “A Beautiful Mind”.

Abe Scheinwald: Pfffffttt!! (gives a thumbs down)

Night Terrors: Mr. Scheinwald, this is a dream come true.

Abe Scheinwald: Ha-ha! Let´s make a picture! (shakes hands with Night Terrors)

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: 9/11 Briefing



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18




03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

9/11 Briefing

Vice-President Dick Cheney…..Darrell Hammond
President George W. Bush…..Will Forte

[ SUPER: “Old Executive Office Building: Thursday, April 28, 2004: 7:48 am” ] [ dissolve to interior, Vice-President Cheney drinking from a cup of coffee ] [ President Bush enters ]

President George W. Bush: Knock knock.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Oh, good morning, Mr. President. Some coffee?

President George W. Bush: No. I’m good. [ holds up a Big Gulp ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. [ they sit ] You, uh.. you ready for our interview with the 9/11 commission?

President George W. Bush: Oh, I’m feeling great! I’m gonna ace this baby, estch!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I’m glad to hear you’re so confident. Now.. Mr. President, we’re gonna have you answer the majority of the questions, so that people know that you’re in charge.

President George W. Bush: [ eating a muffin ] Mmm mmm.. I’m George W. Bush, and I approve this muffin.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay, Mr. President. Let’s just go over the signals we worked out, in case you can’t remember what to say.

President George W. Bush: Oh, forget the signals. I’m not scared of this commission. I’m ready for their questions! You see, people underestimate me – they think I’m dumb!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Th-th-they think you’re like Rain Man.. without the math skills?

President George W. Bush: Exactly! But I’m smarter than that. I’m also an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Even so, if you don’t mind I’d like to go over your.. testimony one more time, Mr. President.

President George W. Bush: Fine! Let’s do it. Let’s do it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Okay. Here we go. “After leaving Florida, why was Air Force One sent to Omaha rather than returning to Washington?”

President George W. Bush: Uhhhh.. let’s see.. [ clears throat ] “It was a, uh.. [ looks on his hand ] ..stop-gap precautionary measure. Until we had., uh.. fully assessed the threat level.. in and around the White.. House.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: That’s good.

President George W. Bush: [ proudly ] Yeah, I got it written on my hand here! [ laughs ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: I noticed that. Okay, next, uh.. “What actions, if any, were taken on the day you received the PDB regarding bin Laden’s threat of attack within the United States?”

President George W. Bush: I was hoping that one wasn’t gonna be on the quiz.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Well, I’m sure they’re gonna ask that question.

President George W. Bush: Alright, don’t worry.. don’t worry. Piece of cake. [ brief pause ] “Mr. Commissioner.. that’s a very good question, and I’ll tell you what I did after receiving that alarming information. [ pulls up his pants leg, reading from his leg ] A general alert.. was sent out.. to all.. law enforcement agencies –“

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President.. Mr. President.. okay, okay.. let me just stop you right there. I don’t think you’re gonna get away with that.

President George W. Bush: Yeah, you’re right – too much leg sweat, words get all smudgy.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. Let’s focus on something else. What if they ask you about.. integrating the intelligence-gathering branches of the federal government?

President George W. Bush: [ closes his eyes deep in thought ] I will be reassuring. I will seek to put their minds at ease. I will say, “Gentlemen, I have good news.”

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Good news?

President George W. Bush: I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. ‘Cause I’m an excellent driver!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Please.. please don’t say that..

President George W. Bush: What? It’s an icebreaker!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: No, Mr. President.. you didn’t read any of the notes I made for you, did you?

President George W. Bush: I thought we laid this down on Day One – I’m not gonna be reading anything.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Uh.. Mr. President, the commission’s gonna be in the Oval Office within the hour. Do you think you’re prepared to sit ofr nearly four hours of questioning?

President George W. Bush: [ sipping his Big Gulp ] In a row?!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Yes, sir. In a row. Mr. President, you’ve got to remember that body language is gonna be very important.

President George W. Bush: Oh, don’t worry, Dick – I’ve been working on it.

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about national security, you want to appear confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. If they ask you about the FBI – thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: If they ask you about funds diverted from Afghanistan – nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright, let’s go through it one more time. Confident.

[ Bush folds his arms tightly ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Thoughtful.

[ Bush places his folded hand upon his chin ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Nothing to hide.

[ Bush spreads his legs apart and entices his hands in a “Gimme” pose ]

President George W. Bush: I got this body language thing down, I’m in control! Ask me anything! Come on!

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Alright. “Mr. President, was the invasion of Iraq something you had planned from the very moment you took office?”

[ Bush wraps one leg around the other, and buries his face in his hands ]

Vice-President Dick Cheney: Mr. President? Excuse me. Sir, you’re gonna have to say something. Sir! Say something!

President George W. Bush: [ lowers his hands from his face ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19



03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Rachel Dratch…..Lyndie England
Darrell Hammond…..Bill Clinton

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Well first things first, it’s a … [picture of prisoners on top of each other naked] it’s a good thing there’s no gay people in the military because otherwise weird sex stuff might happen. Defense secretary – oh sure, Defense secretary Donald Rumsfeld facing growing demands that he resign or be fired, apologized to congress Friday for the abuse of Iraqi prisoners. Rumsfeld said “I take full responsibility. This happened on my watch; I feel terrible.” He went on to add, “My heart goes out, yada yada yada, you had me in hello, blah blah blah, I’m a genius, you’re all morons – You can’t handle the truth. Can I go now? Eehhhhhh…

Jimmy Fallon: A new article in “Vanity Fair” says that Bill Clinton is struggling to finish his book, “My Life,” in time for his deadline. It’s not really surprising, since you can only type so fast using one hand.

Tina Fey: And now it’s time for Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week”…

Jimmy Fallon: She hails from a trailer home in Ashby, West Virginia. After a brief marriage at 19, and a job working at a chicken processing plant, she decided to become a soldier.

Tina Fey: When she’s not disgracing her country in ways that will have international repercussions for decades, she enjoys smoking and getting pregnant in military jail. Ladies and gentleman, please welcome Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week,” private first class, Lyndie England.

[Lyndie England comes out posing as in the pictures]

Congratulations, Lyndie. Here’s your box of Virginia slims.

Lyndie England: Ha-ha. This is for all the dirtbags that came before me, Tonya Harding, Alien Warnos, Amy Fisher, uhh Anna Nicole Smith, uhh who else, Roseanne, Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, get out.

Tina Fey: Get out, get out, dirtbag.

Jimmy Fallon: Lyndie England, everybody.

Tina Fey: You are a dirtbag. Ruining it for everybody.

Sad news out of New York this week, after a Manhattan couple was arrested for child neglect. The couple shown here, [Picture of Ross and Rachel from “Friends”] spent 4 days working out their relationship in a local coffee shop, without once checking in on their 2-year old daughter. They’re sad.

Al Gore announced Tuesday that he plans to launch a 24-hour cable news network for young adults. Gore claims that he’s been wanting to do this since he invented cable TV in the mid 1990s. Gore said that he wants the network to be irreverent and bold, which is why he’s called it, [Gore voice] “The Young Adults Real Time Factual Information Distribution Channel.” Ehhh…

Jimmy Fallon: On Monday, President Bush boarded a bus for a campaign tour across southern Michigan. The president remarked that the bus seemed alot bigger than the one he remembered from school.

An Austrian man is hoping to make it into the record books this week by jumping off a hot air balloon, 6 miles above the earth, and paragliding back down. The record? World’s deadest man.

Tina Fey: Political analysts are asking how the Iraqi prisoner scandal will affect the presidency of George W. Bush. Here with a comment is our dear friend and political correspondent, former president Bill Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Thank You. Thank you all, and thank you especially Tina. You look stunning.

Tina Fey: Thank you.

Bill Clinton: Did you do something to your hair?

Tina Fey: Uh, yes, I blew it straight.

Bill Clinton: I bet you did. What’s up J-bones?

Jimmy Fallon: How’s it going, dog? Good to see ya, man. How are you doing?

Bill Clinton: Oh, you know, just chillin’. You know how we do.

Tina Fey: Now Mr. President, what exactly does this scandal mean for President Bush and the members of his administration?

Bill Clinton: That’s an excellent question, Tina. When I first heard about these charges of abuse, I was outraged. Prisoners being forced into a naked human pyramid is one of the most degrading things imaginable. Ordinarily, I have no problem with naked pyramids. I myself, have participated in literally thousands of them. You can read more about that in my forthcoming book. Specifically chapter 16, “Naked Human Pyramids.” But this one is simply unacceptable. So the question remains, who in the administration will ultimately be held responsible?President Bush? Not likely. Blaming President Bush for this would be like blaming the San Diego chicken when the Padres lose. He’s not running the team, he’s just a big furry mascot. Donald Rumsfeld? Yeah, right. You think Bush is gonna fire Rumsfeld? That be like Paula Abdul trying to fire Simon Cowell. [Gives a thumbs up] By the way, I’m rooting for you, Fantasia. You know who is gonna get the blame for this? Me. They blame me for everything. I didn’t tell them about Osama, the economy tanked because of me. Why did Ben and J-Lo break up? Because of me. Actually, that one WAS because of me. Yeah, somehow they’ll find a way to blame this on Willy Jeff Clinton, but I’m ready. If I have to testify, I’ve got some all new slippery lines I want to try out. For example, “I do not recall what happened that night, because .. I .. was .. stoned.” Bring it on, Bush administration. This time, I’m ready.

Tina Fey: Bill Clinton, everyone.

Jimmy Fallon: It was reported that New York mayor, Mike Bloomberg’s private jet will be outfitted with a state-of-the-art anti-missle defense system. So apparently, peace talks with New Jersey have stalled.

Tina Fey: It has been announced that Pay-Per-View plans to air Playgirl-TV: the first erotic TV channel designed for women, watched by gay men.

It was reported that at the White House correspondence dinner last Saturday, a middle-aged woman flashed her breasts at Ben Affleck and shouted “You are f-ing gorgeous!” Proving once again, that Ann Coulter cannot hold her cocaine.

Jimmy Fallon: For the second consecutive year, Syracuse won the Golden Snowball. A trophy given to the snowiest upstate city in the snowbelt. The trophy was carried through the city with pride by local idiots.

It was reported that police have seized 2 pairs of Michael Jackson’s underpants to determine whether stains found on the pop star’s mattress came from him or boys with whom he shared his bed. Once examined, the underpants will be used by David Gest to make tea.

Tina Fey: Well, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call that woman who pushed you out of her vagina, and take her out for some pancakes.

And now, with some thoughts on Mother’s Day, is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks Tina. [holding guitar] You know, Mother’s Day is really special to me, and I wrote a few songs to show how special it is.

Tina Fey: Ugh, really, again?

Jimmy Fallon: What?

Tina Fey: You’re going to do the song parodies again?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, I haven’t don’t them all year.

Tina Fey: Yeah but you’ve been doing ’em for sooo long.

Jimmy Fallon: I’ve only done them like 5 times or something.

Tina Fey: Wait, wait. What? You have been doing it for-ev-er. And you’ll see, because I put together this montage to show you in case you tried to do this again. Watch this.

[From Salma Hayek Update, 3-15-03, “2003 St. Patrick’s Day Songs”]

Tina Fey: Here with some thoughts on the celebration of all things Irish, is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“St. Patrick’s day, I think its wonderful
The day is here, for Guinness beer…”

[From Ben Stiller Update, 10-24-98, “1998 Halloween Songs”]

Colin Quinn: And now, with some thoughts on trick or treating: Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“Thank you, Mike ‘n’ Ike
Thank you, Candy Corn
Thank you, thank you, Smarties…”

[Weekend Update “1993 Bastille Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Kevin Nealon. I really love Bastille Day. Everytime I’m here I’m like…Ohh, I, I love Bastille Day

“I want it to stay Bastille Day
day-ay-ay-yeah yeah yeah… “

[Weekend Update “1985 ?????”] [Jumping and kicking happily]

Jimmy Fallon: [singing]“Doo do dooo …
woah woah, yeah …”

[Weekend Update “1980 Arbor Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Charles Rocket. Well, it’s Arbor Day again, my favorite holiday of all time. Sing fast, its Arbor Day.

“I’d like to plant this tree
Even though it makes me happy,
It still depresses me
Trees..do..die, Trees do die… “

[Weekend Update “1975, Thanksgiving Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Chevy. Can you believe it’s Thanksgiving already? I was listening to President Gerald Ford yesterday, and it made me very thankful.

“Whenever I see a turkey stuffed,
I want to stuff myself
Because I love turkey
Yes I do
Cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie…”

[“1958 Flag Day Songs”]

Jimmy Fallon: Thanks, Mr. Cronkite. Hey kids, it’s Flag Day!

“Well, well, well I look at the flag, and be awing you,
I’m looking at you and I think you’re cute,
Flag day, you got me waving
For Alaska, and Hawaii,
Flag day.”

[Applause] [back to Update set]

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, so?

Tina Fey: Yeah, so this isn’t about Mother’s Day, you just want to sing, and blow smoke.

Jimmy Fallon: Tina, I just love my mother, you know. Mother’s are really special to me –

Tina Fey: [annoyed] Ughhh, just sing.

Jimmy Fallon: Okay, thanks. [Hands Tina a white cap] Here, you wear this.

[Jimmy puts on white cap. Usher’s “Yeah” begins playing. Jimmy and Tina begin dancing]

“Tina, don’t be so ridiculous
Your momma was the girl that put you on the bus
Moms are the best, this is what I said
Toast my Eggos in the morning, and she makes my bed

Mother’s day
Happy Mother’s Day
Happy Mother’s Day

Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon got the beat to make your momma go whack

Take that, rewind it back
Jimmy Fallon is about to have a heart attack.”

Jimmy Fallon: For Weekend Update, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[Both dancing] [Fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Debbie Downer



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18





03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Debbie Downer

Waiter…..Kenan Thompson
Brother 1…..Fred Armisen
Brother 2…..Jimmy Fallon
Debbie Downer…..Rachel Dratch
Dad…..Horatio Sanz
Sister 1…..Lindsay Lohan
Sister 2…..Amy Poehler

[ open on exterior, outdoor parade at Disneyland ] [ dissolve to interior, Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree, as Waiter approaches the McKusick family ]

Waiter: Good morning! Welcome to the Mickey’s Breakfast Jamboree! My name is Billiam, and I’ll be serving you today. You guys here on a special occasion?

Brother 1: Well, we’re here on that new Magical Gatherings family package. We’ve got the McKusick clan down from Ohio – right, guys? Say Hi!

Family: Hiiiii!!!!

Waiter: Well, great. Let me tell you Mickey’s specials today – we’ve got steak and eggs, served with some home fries and Mickey waffles.

Brother 2: [ excited ] Whoo-oooo! I loves me some Steak and Eggs!

Debbie Downer: Ever since they found Mad Cow Disease in the U.S., I’m not taking any chances. It can live in your body for years, before it ravages your brain.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ] [ dissolve to jingle montage ]

Jingle:
“You’re enjoying your day, everything’s gonig your way
Then, along comes Debbie Downer!
Always there to tell you about a new disease
A car accident or killer bees.
You’ll beg her to spare you, “Debbie, please.”
But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

[ zoom on Debbie’s sad face ] [ dissolve back to the family gathering ]

Dad: We did it, gang! We pulled it off! A family reunion at Disney! I don’t know about you guys, but the first I’m gonna do is ride that haunted elevator thingie! [ laughs ] It drops you straight down!

Sister 1: This is my dream come true! I mean, I’m totally serious! Tigger hugged me at the door, and I thought I was gonna cry!

Sister 2: Awww..

Debbie Downer: [ sullenly ] I guess Roy isn’t doing as well as I first thought..

Sister 2: What? Who’s Roy?

Debbie Downer: Roy? Of Siegfried and Roy? He was attacked by his own tiger and suffered devestating injuries.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Brother 1: So, uh.. hey! Who wants to go on Space Mountain with me?

Family: Me!! Me!! Me!!

Sister 1: I want to see the Country Bear Jamboree!

Sister 2: I want to go to every country in Epcot, and greet them in their own native language! “Hola!” “Konnichiwa!” “Hi!”

Debbie Downer: Do you guys care about that train explosion in North Korea?

[ drunken trombone sound effect; Jimmy Fallon starts to crack up ]

Debbie Downer: The media is so sensitive there.. so secretive —

[ Rachel Dratch begins to crack up with Jimmy Fallon ]

Debbie Downer: — that they may never know how many people perished.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ]

Waiter: Who’s ready for Mickey waffles!

Family: Oh, me! Me, me, me!!

Sister 1: Oh.. my.. God! I just made eye contact with Pluto! And he’s coming over here!

Brother 1: Pluto! Pluto!

[ guy in a Pluto costume comes over to hug Sister 1 ]

Sister 1: Oh, my God, oh, my God! I’m hugging Pluto! I’m at Disneyworld, and I’m hugging Pluto! Somebody take a picture!

[ everyone crowds around to be in the photo, as Debbie takes the picture with her camera ]

Debbie Downer: Wow, you guys, Disneyworld really is fun, it makes me feel like a kid again. I mean, the time before my two-year stint at Children’s.

[ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face as she takes the picture ] [ everyone tries desperately not to crack up, as Pluto comes over ot hug Debbie ]

Debbie Downer: Oh.. hey.. hey, Pluto, hi. Boy.. it must be fun to work here.. although, the biggest drawback to working in a theme park is that you must live in constant fear of deadly terrorist attacks.

[ the jovial Pluto stops being so jovial, its tongue hanging out rather sad and pitiful in light of Debbie’s statement ] [ sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face, which begins to crack up under Rachel Dratch’s crumbling willpower ] [ Pluto runs off ]

Brother 1: Pluto.. Pluto, wait, where are you going?

Debbie Downer: With that costume on, he’s probably under the early stages of heatstroke.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face. . Rachel Dratch begins to crack up and covers her face with her hand as she loses it completely ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of — [ cracks up ] Speaking of —

[ Amy Poehler has her head down and is laughing. Rachel Dratch is trying to stop laughing as she gets on with the rest of the sketch ]

Debbie Downer: Speaking of heat.. if this greenhouse effect keeps up, we’ll all be living underwater.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face which breaks because of her cracking up; Rachel Dratch tries to hold her breath to keep from cracking up, but it doesn’t work that well ]

Debbie Downer: By the way — [ cracks up ] By the way, it’s official — [ pauses extensively to hold in her laughter; Jimmy Fallon is looking at her. Dratch’s voice breaks as she says the next line]: I can’t have children! [Jimmy Fallon covers his face with his hands to keep from laughing] [ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s face, which is distraught with laughter. At this point, everyone at the table is cracking up, except for Fred Armisen, who is just smiling to keep from laughing ]

Sister 1: Okay. You know what, Debbie? [ stands ] You are totally ruining my trip to Disne — [ cracks up in the middle of her anger, then composes herself quickly as Horatio Sanz is wiping his tears of laughter with a Mickey Mouse waffle ] I didn’t say a word during It’s A Small World, when you talked about low birth weight! Or, during the fireworks when you went on — [ cracks up again, tries to sit down, but gets back up and finishes the line ] When you when on and on about feline AIDS!

Debbie Downer: It’s the number one killer of domestic cats.

[ meowing sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ]

Sister #1: I can’t take this! [leaves in a huff

Debbie Downer: So, after this, we’ll head to the park, guys? [ cracks up ] Lather up the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at recently, and the doctor told me that, due tothe extent of its irregular borders, I’m flirting with a melanoma.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face; Rachel Dratch again tries to hold her breath to keep from laughing ] [ everyone abruptly leaves the table ]

Debbie Downer: You guys go ahead. I’ll meet you at my favorite ride – the Hall of Presidents.

[ drunken trombone sound effect, as camera zooms in on Debbie’s comic distraught face ] [ dissolve to title card ]

Jingle: “But you can’t stop Debbie Downer!”

debbie Downer: They never did catch that anthrax guy.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:



Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 15th, 2004

Mary-Kate Olsen

Ashley Olsen

J-Kwon

None

None
HardballSummary: John Kerry (Seth Meyers) lets Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) speak on his behalf.

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, John Kerry, Rev. Al Sharpton.

Transcript

Montage

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen’s MonologueSummary: Jimmy Fallon and Will Forte make it up to the Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen for missing their prom to host SNL.

Bio: Twin sisters Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen (1986-) became entrepreneurial forces in Hollywood while still toddlers on the long-running sitcom, “Full House.”

Transcript

Paparazzi PhotographersSummary: Paparazzi photographers (Amy Poehler, Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen) bother celebrities.

Recurring Characters: Paparazzi Photographer.

Transcript

Mary-Kate & Ashley PerfumeSummary: The perfume that fits your mood, whether you’re an Ashley or a Mary-Kate.

Transcript

Z-105 Morning CrewSummary: Joey Mack (Jimmy Fallon) knocks “New York Minute”, then pretends that guests Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen are farting.

Recurring Characters: Joey Mack.

The SwanSummary: Amber (Amy Poehler), the one-legged hypoglycemic, acts nasty during a makeover.

Recurring Characters: Amber.

Transcript

J-Kwon performs “Tipsy”Bio: J-Kwon (1986-) is a rapper from St. Louis.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Jimmy Fallon gives his gay review of “Troy.” Contractor Costas Popakanstantis (Horatio Sanz) hasn’t completed construction of the Summer Olympics stadium.

Note: Jimmy Fallon’s final appearance as co-anchor of “Weekend Update.”

Transcript

Pat & Patti’s Backpack ShackSummary: Crazy accents and an overabundance of rhymes dominates the Backpack Shack.

Recurring Characters: Pat Sylviac, Patti Sylviac.

Access HollywoodSummary: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen introduce their triplet, Betty Faye Olsen (Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Pat O’Brien.

The Bloder BrothersSummary: Wayne (Chris Parnell) and Kip Bloder (Jimmy Fallon) meet the Paulson Twins (Amy Poehler, Rachel Dratch) in a bar, oblivious to the fact that they first tried to pick them up in a roller rink while teenagers (Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen).

Recurring Characters: Kip Bloder, Wayne Bloder.

Camcorder DadSummary: Family members object when Dad (Chris Parnell) films their indoor barbecue.

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Recurring Characters: This film was cut from the dress rehearsal of last week’s Snoop Dogg episode.

Summer NightsSummary: Members of the cast sing summer songs to commemorate the end of the season, then get excited when Jimmy Fallon shows up to launch a “Grease” parody as his farewell.

Note: Though Jimmy Fallon had decided for some time that he would leave at the end of this season, he didn’t officially confirm the news until the day before the season finale.

Note: Because the show was running long, J-Kwon’s second song was cut in order to make room for Jimmy Fallon’s farewell sketch.

Transcript

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Wake Up WakefieldRecurring Characters: Megan, Sheldon.

Coco & Natsui Super ShowRecurring Characters: Coco, Natsui.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Goodnights

…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsey Lohan: Thanks to Usher, Ludicris, Lorne, the cast, the crew! Hair, make-up, my family! Amy, Tina, everybody here! Good night! Thank you so much.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20




03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Goodnights

…..Mary-Kate Olsen
…..Ashley Olsen

Mary-Kate Olsen: Thanks to —

Together: J-Kwon!!

[ J-Kwon shamelessly wraps his arm around Ashley and holds up his CD for the camera ]

Ashley Olsen: And the cast and crew!

Mary-Kate Olsen: And, remember – we’re legal in four weeks!

[ J-Kwon seems especially pleased to hear that, as the credits roll. ] [ Jimmy Fallon grabs a camera on the side of the stage, and rubs his mouth on it. ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Jarret’s Room



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18



03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Jarret’s Room

Jarret…..Jimmy Fallon
Goby…..Horatio Sanz
Skyler…..Lindsay Lohan
DJ Jonathon Feinstein…..Seth Meyers

(screen appears with Jarrets Room website and Jarret fixing the camera)

Jarret: What’s up guys, it’s me Jarret; how you doing. Coming to you live here at Hampton College; we’ve got a great show for tonight. Give it up for my house DJ Jonathon Feinstein.

(“Toxic” by Britney Spears begins playing as DJ Feinsten, dressed in a nude unitard with sparkles on it, dances inappropriately)

Jarret: Dude, dude that’s gross.

DJ Feinsten: Is it.

Jarret: Yeah it is.

DJ Feinsten: I agree.

(Jarret nods his add in confusion as he moves the camera)

Jarret: That was weird. Now give it up for my best friend and my roommate Goby.

(Goby walks in and places his face in front of the camera)

Goby: Domo we already got the weed smoking robot. Domo (turns head toward Jarret) Domo, Domo, Domo.

(Laughs while he sits down)

Jarret: What a minute; weed-smoking robot. What are you talking about?

Goby: I’m talking about my masterpiece. I’ve invented the world’s first weed smoking robot. I give you Smoketron 3000.

(A robot comes in smoking a weed cigarette.)

Jarret: Wow!

Smoketron 3000: Dude, I’m so totally baked right know. It’s not even funny.

Jarret: Dude, what possible use could anyone have with a weed smoking robot.

Goby: What do you mean, there’s tons. Check this out, robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Okay.

(Smoketron3000 continues smoking while Goby begins to laugh.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what?

Goby: I said, Robot get me a Pepsi.

Smoketron 3000: Oh, got it.

(Smoketron 3000 begins leaving then turns around.)

Smoketron 3000: Wait what.

(Jarret and Goby both laugh)

Goby: Awesome.

Jarret: Goby…

Goby: He’s like me.

Jarret: I know, I know. You can’t even use the telephone by yourself how did you invent a robot?

Goby: It was a total accident bro. I was trying to make a bomb out of my dad’s lawnmower.

Jarret: Of course.

Goby: Right, like I do every summer. Long story short, this is what I got.

(Both point toward Smoketron 3000 and laugh)

Goby: Pretty awesome right?

Jarret: I guess so yeah.

Jarret: It’s a sad day here at Jarret’s Room cause yesterday….

Goby: Why?

Jarret: Goby and I found out that after thirteen long years Hampton College is finally making us move off campus. Yeah..

Goby: Wait. We went to college.

Jarret: You know it really makes you think of all the great times we’ve had here…remember our first day in this room.

Goby: Yea, it was so long ago I remember it well. (begins rubbing chin as the screen dissolves)

(Screen plays video of what happened 15 seconds ago; starting from It’s a sad day here at Jarrets Room, ending at Wait we went to college.)

Goby: (continues rubbing chin as he begins to speak) Yes, so very long ago. I remember it well.

(Both begin laughing)

Jarret: That was like twenty seconds ago man.

Goby: Yea, it seemed like yesterday though.

Jarret: Maybe we should use my brain for flashbacks from now on…….Yea

Goby: Yea, we should.

Jarret: Okay good. Well since were moving out we had to figure out who would moving in next year after interviewing thousands of candidates I think we found her, please welcome Skyler.

(Jarret moves the camera to show Skyler coming in. Skyler then looks around as she sits down.)

Skyler: Wooow.

Jarret: So Skyler you psyched to move in….

Skyler: Dude, no way, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea. (with a confused face.)

Skyler: This room is awesome I wish I could live here.

Jarret: You are, remember I said you could move into my room.

Skyler: Oh yeah.

Jarret: Yeah, are you psyched.

Skyler: Dude, you’re that guy Jarret.

Jarret: Yea.

(Skyler continues looking around as Jarret continues to look frustrated. Goby is laughing hysterically.)

Skyler: Man, I wish I could live in a room like this one day.

Jarret: (With frustrated voice.) You are!

Goby: Ohh, brother.

(all begin to laugh.)

Skyler: Cool, do I get the robot dude too.

Jarret: Yeah sure,..

Goby: yeah sure, you know what you can take him he’s getting on my nerves. He’s always getting my stash.

(Jarret begins to touch the robot as it passes by.)

Smoketron 3000: Dudes I’m cashed can one of you smoke me out.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby laughs. Skyler hands Smoketron 3000 a weed cigarette.)

Skyler: I got a little.

Smoketron 3000: Awesome, wait are you a cop?

Skyler: Noooo.

Smoketron 3000: Cause’ legally you have to tell me if you are.

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: There’s no way I’m going back to jail.

Jarret: Wait, wait, wait your robot’s been to jail?

Goby: Yea dude. He’s on strike three. One more and they’re going to put him away for a long time.

Smoketron 3000: I aint gonna be nobody’s bitch.

(Jarret looks confused as Goby and Skyler laugh.)

Skyler: I’m not a cop dude.

Smoketron 3000: Sweet.

(Jarret looks confused as Smoketron 3000 leaves the camera area.)

Jarret: You realize that robot’s only wasting your weed right.

Goby: Yea tell me about it, he never gets me back.

(robot comes back toward Jarret and Skyler.)

Smoketron 3000: Dude check this out this will freak your beans, what if I’m the human and you are the robot.

Jarret, Skyler and Goby: (Enthusiastcly) Wooaa

Smoketron 3000: Oh man I’m freaking out. I think this stuff was laced; I’ve gotta get outta here.

Goby: Robot, cool out.

(Smoketron 3000 begins going out of control as he begins rolling toward the window. A window cracking his heard.)

Smoketron 3000: (Said as he is falling out of the window.) I REGRET NOTHING!!!

(An object falling on a car is heard as the alarm begins to sound. Jarret looks at Goby confused as Skyler laughs.)

Skyler: That robot just totally jumped out that window!

Jarret: Wow.

Goby: (In a sad voice) He was a good dude.

Jarret: No he wasn’t a good dude he was a bad robot.

Goby: Yea, but still!

Jarret: Well that’s our show DJ Feinsten take us out!

(Jarret moves the camera toward DJ Feinsten as he does the same dance as the introduction. Camera then clicks out and shows a computer’s main screen.)

Submitted by: Roman Silva

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Hardball



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20



03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Hardball

Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Andrew Card…..Chris Parnell
John Kerry…..Seth Meyers
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to Hardball, I’m Chris Matthews. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld and General Richard Meyers made a surprise visit to Abu Gharib prison in Iraq on Thursday with a message for US troops. That message: “Get me all your digital cameras now, you idiots!” The Iraqi prison abuse scandal continues to grow and President Bush seems content to maintain the status quo, recently telling the embattled Rumsfeld that he was, “doing a superb job.” Keep in mind; he also thought Cuba Gooding Jr. did a superb job in that movie where he played the retarded football player. It begs the question: Does the Bush administration have a bucket big enough to bail the water out of this sinking ship, or what? With us today is White House Chief of Staff Andrew Card.

Andrew Card: Great to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: I didn’t ask. Mr. Card, how is Bush going to get himself out of this mess?

Andrew Card: Well first of all, I wouldn’t exactly call it a “mess”.

Chris Matthews: You got to be kidding me, those photos make the prison from Oz look like Hogan’s Heroes.

Andrew Card: Chris, we like to think of this prison abuse scandal as a temporary and almost invisible blemish on what is otherwise, the most flawless presidency in American history.

Chris Matthews: Wow, people have said a lot of wrong things on this show but that might be the wrongest.

Andrew Card: Look Chris, here are the facts: George Bush has never made an incorrect decision. Not one. He is adorable, and charming, and he has a beautiful alto singing voice. The man can tear a phone book in half. And I’ve seen him pull a locomotive with his teeth. These are facts, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Man, oh man. You didn’t just drink the Kool-Aid, you went back for seconds. Joining us now to talk about how all this affects his campaign: Democratic presidential candidate John Kerry.

John Kerry: Thanks for having me, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Nice work Kerry, zero to boring in 1.8 seconds. Senator, the Bush administration is clearly suffering from the scandal, how do you plan to address this?

John Kerry: Actually Chris, I’m not going to say anything.

Chris Matthews: Taking the high road, huh, not gonna talk about the scandal?

John Kerry: No, I’m not going to say anything; at all; about anything. See Chris, whenever I talk, my approval rating plummets. When I shut my mouth, and just let Bush screw up, people love me. I’ve realized something very important, Chris: I am incredibly looong-winded.

Chris Matthews: You’re kiddin’.

John Kerry: No, no I’m not. I’m serious. My advisor alerted me to this problem, I spent the next several hours explaining how they were mistaken. Then they said “see, that’s exactly what we were talking about.” Well, four hours and forty-five minutes later, I think they saw my side of things.

[Matthews is caught tying a noose around his neck, he takes it off when John Kerry stops talking]

Chris Matthews: Oh, thank God you’re done. And not a minute too soon.

John Kerry: Don’t worry about it. Happens to me all the time. The point is, I believe I am the medicine this country needs. Unfortunately, that medicine is NyQuill. But think of it this way, I’m the sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head, fever, so you can rest candidate.

Chris Matthews: Good gravy, I’ve seen more natural looking smiles on pumpkins.

Andrew Card: Can I say something, Chris. If you want to see a beautiful smile, look no further than George W. Bush. He’s never had a cavity, and his breath always smells like a sweet breeze blowing through an orchard of gumdrop trees on the banks of a lemonade stream.

Chris Matthews: Hey Card, when you had your brain washed did you have it waxed too?

[Card nods, laughing]

Chris Matthews: Senator Kerry, if you’re not gonna talk at all then how are you gonna get your message across?

John Kerry: It’s a good question, Chris. I’ll do it through my vice president.

Chris Matthews: So you’ve finally chosen?

John Kerry: Nope, but I think I’ve found my man, you see, people want to vote for me, but they don’t like me. So I went out and got the guy that people like, but don’t want to vote for. It’s my pleasure to introduce, the Reverend Al Sharpton.

[Sharpton makes gestures with his hand as he talks]

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’m outraged.

[Matthews shakes his head back and forth and sighs]

Chris Matthews: Why are you outraged, John Kerry is considering you as his potential running mate?

Al Sharpton: I know, that’s just how I say hello these days. I’m outraged, John, nice weather, what have you.

John Kerry: Huh, huh, hello Al.

Chris Matthews: Reverend Sharpton, you had a little trouble with the Federal Election Commission yesterday. They claimed you overspent $100,000 on your ‘campaign’. How do you respond?

Al Sharpton: Chris, I’ll say what I always say in situations like this. I am good for the money. I have a big eBay auction coming up for my old medallion collection.

[Holds up assorted medallions]

Al Sharpton: That’s right. No reserves, just serious bidders only. Hell, if these elections dudes want to come and take these medallions straight up, I’ll do that, and call it a day.

John Kerry: Al, we should talk about this. Don’t throw away your medals. Coming from a guy who knows.

Chris Matthews: Good Lord, when we come back Al Sharpton’s gonna outline his plan to raise cab fare back to his apartment, and Live from New York, It’s Saturday Night!

Submitted by: Zack Arnson-Serotta

SNL Transcripts