SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 18




03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 20




03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “oh..my..god.” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Air Date:

Host:

Musical Guest:

Special Guests:

Cameos:


May 8th, 2004

Snoop Dogg

Avril Lavigne

None

None
Rumsfeld ResignsSummary: When Donald Rumsfeld (Darrell Hammond) resigns, his love is missed by President George W. Bush (Will Forte) in the style of the “Friends” finale.

Recurring Characters: George W. Bush, Donald Rumsfeld.

Transcript

Montage

Snoop Dogg’s MonologueSummary: After a flamboyant entrance, Snoop Dogg asks viewers to knock it off with the schnizzle talk.

Also Appeared: 93p

Note: Snoop Dogg was a fill-in for an unannounced host who dropped prior to the show’s announcement.

Mom JeansSummary: The jeans with the shapely fit that says you’re a mom, not a woman.

Note: Repeat from 05/10/03.

¡Show Biz Grande Explosion!Summary: Ferecito (Fred Armisen) teaches Snoop Dogg how to do jokes.

Recurring Characters: Ferecito, Manuel Pantalones.

Transcript

Rapper Face-OffSummary: Wheelchair-bound rapper (Snoop Dogg) elicits sympathy during a rap showdown.

Scheinwald StudiosSummary: Much to Brad Scheinwald’s (Seth Meyers) chagrin, Grandpa Abe (Rachel Dratch) is eager to produce Snoop Dogg’s “Booty Hotel” movie.

Recurring Characters: Brad Scheinwald, Abe Scheinwald.

Transcript

ABC Fall PromoSummary: Gross makeover shows will dominate the Fall schedule on ABC.

Snoop Misses “Friends”Summary: Snoop Dogg’s homeys (Finesse Mitchell, Kenan Thompson) don’t share his love for the “Friends” sitcom.

Avril Lavigne performs “Don’t Tell Me”Also Appeared: 02i.

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina FeySummary: Lynndie England (Rachel Dratch) is Weekend Update’s “Dirtbag of the Week.” Bill Clinton (Darrell Hammond) thinks he’ll end up taking the blame for the Iraqi prisoner scandal instead of President Bush. Jimmy Fallon looks back on his musical performances at the desk over the past few decades.

Recurring Characters: Jorge Rodriguez.

Transcript

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: Still more medical mishaps among the trailer trash society.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Percy Bo Dance, Netti Bo Dance, Tyler.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel’s “Pothead Theater” lets potheads choose what they can see on television.

Transcript

Duster’s DigestSummary: The magazine that stays focused on the lifestyles of PCP users.

Avril Lavigne performs “My Happy Ending”

Snoop’s Mother’s Day MessageSummary: Snoop Dogg reflects on coming out of his mother’s womb with a poem.

Transcript

Goodnights

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Zings vs. SnapsSummary: Dave Clinger (Seth Meyers) and a fellow brain surgeon (Snoop Dogg) trade insult.

Recurring Characters: Dave Clinger.

Note: This sketch is revised for next season’s Queen Latifah episode.

E! True Hollywood StorySummary: The true story about Ike (Snoop Dogg) and Tina Turner (Maya Rudolph).

Recurring Characters: Ike Turner, Tina Turner.

The Blow OffSummary: Will Forte is the undisputed whistling champion, until Snoop Dogg arrives.

Da ApprenticeSummary: Snoop Dogg stars in the gangster version of “The Apprentice.”

“The Adventures Of Harold”Summary: T. Sean Shannon film follows the adventures of a 12-year old bald boy at school.

Note: This film finally appears on the next episode, hosted by Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen.

Bush in OneSummary: A shirtless President George W. Bush (Will Forte) discusses the Arabs.

Recurring Characters: President George W. Bush.

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2003-2004


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: 2003-2004


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>

Starring:

  • Rachel Dratch
  • Jimmy Fallon
  • Tina Fey
  • Will Forte
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Seth Meyers
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Jeff Richards
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz
  • Featuring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Finesse Mitchell
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Episodes

  • 10/04/03: Jack Black / John Mayer
  • 10/11/03: Justin Timberlake
  • 10/18/03: Halle Berry / Britney Spears
  • 11/01/03: Kelly Ripa / Outkast
  • 11/08/03: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews
  • 11/15/03: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot
  • 12/06/03: Rev. Al Sharpton / Pink
  • 12/13/03: Elijah Wood / Jet
  • 01/10/04: Jennifer Aniston / Black-Eyed Peas
  • 01/17/04: Jessica Simpson & Nick Lachey / G-Unit
  • 02/07/04: Megan Mullally / Clay Aiken
  • 02/14/04: Drew Barrymore / Kelis
  • 02/21/04: Christina Aguilera / Maroon 5
  • 03/06/04: Colin Firth / Norah Jones
  • 03/13/04: Ben Affleck / N.E.R.D.
  • 04/03/04: Donald Trump / Toots & The Maytals
  • 04/10/04: Janet Jackson
  • 05/01/04: Lindsay Lohan / Usher
  • 05/08/04: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne
  • 05/15/04: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon
  • Summary   “Saturday Night Live” began its 29th season on October 4th, 2003. Cast members Chris Kattan and Tracy Morgan left the long-running series and their long-running tenures, leaving long-running performer Darrell Hammond to begin his 9th season with “Saturday Night Live”. Though both Kattan and Morgan left the show, they would make enough cameo appearances thoughout the season to qualify as honorary featured performers. Other changes include a new opening sequence, a brand new host and musical guest stages modeled after Grand Central Station, and an impression of President George W. Bush that changes hands twice during the season. The season tailored itself for the M-TV crowd, infiltrating a host line-up that included stars of the day like Justin Timberlake, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey, and Christina Aguilera. The season was also marred by continued (and one might wonder forced) on-air crack-ups between Jimmy Fallon and Horatio Sanz, Weekend Update’s focus on entertainment news and personal opinion taking preference over current events humor, and the mysterious disappearance of Jeff Richards mid-season. The best sketches of the season belonged to Will Forte, though they sometimes had a tendancy to become buried in mediocre episodes (Halle Berry, anyone?). Elsewhere, Jimmy Fallon’s decision to leave SNL hit some fans harder than the news of Will Ferrell’s departure, while leaving other fans wondering if Tina Fey would seek a replacement for Fallon on Weekend Update, anchor the segment alone, or resign the desk to new talent altogether. All in all, SNL was again falling on weak knees by the time it reached the end of the season prepared for its upcoming 30th anniversary.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Show Biz Grande Explosion



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 19


    03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

    Show Biz Grande Explosion

    Fericito….Fred Armisen
    Manuel Pantalones….Horatio Sanz
    …..Snoop Dogg

    (Opens with the Univision logo. Mariachi music plays)

    Caption: Univision en English.

    (Show Biz Grande Explosion logo. Manuel is dressed like a mariachi, holds a guitar, sits on a stool)

    Manuel Pantalones: Chicos y cucarachas! Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! And here´s your host, on loan from the funny farm, Fe-e-e-ericito!

    (Venezuelan comic Fericito has a loud burgundy suit, a golden tooth and comes out banging on his drumsticks, audience applauds to the rhythm of the sticks banging. Fericito plays wildly on his timbales set then stops)

    Fericito: (heavy Latin accent) Did you feel it?!(audience cheers)I said, did you feel it?! (audience cheers) Welcome to my show. Now is time for my comedy monologue. Here´s my first joke. Did you hear they confiscated Michael Jackson underwear? You know what kind it is? Fruit of the “loony” (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

    (Manuel laughs)

    Fericito: And then this guy fired his lawyer and got a new one. Do you know who he should get? Omarosa! (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

    Manuel Pantalones: (laughs) Omarosa! That´s great!

    Fericito: Manuel, do you even know who Omarosa is?

    Manuel Pantalones: Um, lawyer?

    Fericito: Manuel, you´re fired!

    Manuel Pantalones: (sad) Ok. (gets off his stool)

    Fericito: No, Manuel. Its from “The Apprentice”. Its a joke!

    Manuel Pantalones: I don´t get it.

    Fericito: Manuel is so dumb…

    Manuel Pantalones: (sits back down) How dumb am I?

    Fericito: Manuel is so dumb the only thing he ever passed was a kidney “estone”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

    Manuel Pantalones: Actually I didn´t pass it. The doctors dissolved it…

    Fericito: Manuel, come on! Give it up for Manuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

    (Manuel plays his guitar with two other mariachis. Fericito sits behind his desk. A little drum set in front of him.)

    Fericito: So, Manuel, how was your weekend?

    Manuel Pantalones: Oh, you know, it was great, you know. I wish my wife was in better shape though, you know.

    Fericito: Manuel´s wife is so big that when she steps on a scale it says “to be continued”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

    Manuel Pantalones: Here we go….

    Fericito: I´m serious, his woman is so big, her shadow has stretch marks. (rim shot)

    Manuel Pantalones: (offended) I think they get it.

    Fericito: Manuel, (throws his arms up) I´m just “keeeding”!

    (Manuel laughs)

    Fericito: Now it’s time for my new comedy routine — Fericito-walking!

    (Manuel and the 2 mariachis plays the jingle)

    Manuel Pantalones: (sing) Fericito-walki-i-i-i-g!

    Fericito: So what I did is I went out in the streets and asked easy questions to people on the streets. You won´t believe the answers I got!

    (Cut to Fericito asking a question to a woman on the street. She is smiling.)

    Fericito: Ok, who is the first President of the United States?

    Woman: George Washing — (Splat! Fericito hits her with a cream pie in the face. Fericito laughs)

    (Cut back into the studio. Fericito has cracked himself up with the clip.)

    Fericito: Ah! Did you believe that lady? It’s a real lady! That was Fericito-walking!

    (Manuel and his 2 mariachis)

    Manuel Pantalones: (sings) Fericito-walki-i-i-ig!

    Fericito: My first guest is a man who sings rap songs and wears baggy pants. “Esnoopy” Dogg!

    (Rap star Snoop Doggy Dogg comes out. Flashes peace signs, shakes hands with Fericito and sits down)

    Fericito: Oh, great. So, “Esnoopy” Dogg. I see you have a new movie coming out.

    Snoop Dogg: Yeah, it’s called “Soul Plane”. I play the captain. You know, these days I´m doing it all. I can do music, I can do drama, and now, with this movie, I´m doing a little bit of comedy.

    Fericito: Comedy? Really? You think you could do comedy? You have to leave that to the professionals, you know. You think you´re a funny guy?

    Snoop Dogg: I´m always playing around. Ok, like, would you like to hear some of my music?

    Fericito: Yes, please.

    Snoop Dogg: Would you like tapes or CDs?

    Fericito: CDs.

    Snoop Dogg: Ok, well, “CD´s” nuts. (shows Fericito his crotch)

    Fericito: (confused) Eh?

    (Manuel laughs hysterically)

    Manuel Pantalones: He got you, Fericito!

    Fericito: Please, Manuel. I don´t get this joke.

    Manuel Pantalones: Oh, I got it!

    Snopp Dogg: That´s ok. Maybe you want a tape instead.

    Fericito: Oh, yes. I´d like a tape.

    Snopp Dogg: All right, how about I “tape” my nuts to the back of your head.

    (More hysterical laughing from Manuel)

    Fericito: “Esnoopy” you´re talking crazy. If you´re gonna tell a joke, you need a gimmick for your punchline. You got to show the audience where to laugh, ok? Do something like this after your punchline. Put your hands behind your ears and go like this. (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaa?! Ok, so let´s do the CD joke again, ok. Uh, yes, please “Esnoop” I´d like a CD.

    Snoop Dogg: Well, then, “CD´s” nuts. (shoves his crotch forward)

    Fericito: Now, behind your ears like this….

    Snopp Dogg: (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?!

    (Manuel laughs)

    Manuel Pantalones: That worked! That really worked.

    Fericito: It’s better, right? It’s more professional.

    Snoop Dogg: Yes, that´s cool. I like that. You should tell Eileen that.

    Fericito: Eileen who?

    Snoop Dogg: “Eileen” back so you can rub this nuts! (pushes crotch forward and puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?! Now look Fericito, why don´t you play me some of those Latin beats so we can turn it out.

    Fericito: Let´s do it! (gets up from behind his desk goes to his timbales set) All right, I´ll be right back with Kiefer Sutherland from “Veinticuatro” (plays his timbales while Snopp Dogg dances)

    Caption: Show Biz Grande Explosion logo

    (Cheers and applause)

    (fade)

    Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Rumsfeld Resigns



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 19




    03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

    Rumsfeld Resigns

    President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
    Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
    Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

    [ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush speaking with Donald Rumsfeld as Condoleeza Rice watches ]

    President George W. Bush: Donald.. I thought you did real good testifying in front of the committee yesterday. I thought you really stuck it to them. Especially that old guy with the big head!

    Donald Rumsfeld: You’re talking about Ted Kennedy?

    President George W. Bush: Yeah. That guy!

    Donald Rumsfeld: Well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I appreciate that, but, uh.. I also see the writing on the wall. The American people want me to go. And you yourself got pretty mad at me. So.. maybe it’s time.. I should go. I don’t want to miss my plane. I just want you to know.. I’ll never forget all that we had.

    President George W. Bush: Neither will I.

    [ they hug ]

    Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, now I really do need to go. I’m off to a NATO conference. In Paris. Au revoir.

    [ Rumsfeld exits the Oval Office ]

    Condoleeza Rice: So.. you just let him go, sir.

    President George W. Bush: Yes, I did, Condi.

    Condoleeza Rice: Well.. maybe it’s for the best, sir. A lot of people were calling for his resignation. Maybe, politically, it’s better for you. You know, you two need to be away from each other, and.. maybe you can finally.. get over him.

    President George W. Bush: It’s true. Except.. I don’t want to get over him.

    Condoleeza Rice: You’re going to go after him, sir? [ excited ] My taxi’s outside! I’ll drive you to the airport!

    [ “Friends” theme plays as we dissolve to nighttime exterior shot of the White House ] [ dissolve back to interior, Oval Office ]

    President George W. Bush: [ re-enters ] I’m going to check my messages here.

    [ Bush presses button on answering machine, as the tape rewinds and begins to play ]

    Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President. Hi. It’s me. And I just got on the plane. I just feel awful. And that is so not how I wanted things to end with us. Now I’m just sitting here, and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t, and I.. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to tell you that I love you, too! Because, of course I do – I love you, I.. I love you. I love you. [ a beat ] What am I doing? I love you! I’ve gotta see you, I’ve gotta get off this plane..

    President George W. Bush: [ excited, jumps to his feet ] Oh, my God!

    Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Excuse me..

    Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. Please, sit down.

    Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: No, I’m sorry. I’m the Secretary of Defense, and I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to just tell someone that I love him!

    Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. I can’t let you off the plane.

    President George W. Bush: [ screaming ] Let him off the plane!!

    Voice of Flight Attendant: I’m afraid you’re going to have to take your seat.

    Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Please, Miss, you don’t understand..

    President George W. Bush: Try to understand!!

    Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, come on, Miss! Isn’t there any way that you can just let me off this —

    [ machine beeps, message over ]

    President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did he get off the plane?! Did he get off the plane?!

    [ cut to Rumsfeld standing in the door frame ]

    Donald Rumsfeld: I got off the plane.

    President George W. Bush: [ tense excitement fills his face ] You got off the plane.

    [ they slowly walk toward one another, hug, then open-mouth kiss ]

    Donald Rumsfeld: My God.. I do love you.

    President George W. Bush: I love you, too.

    Donald Rumsfeld: Good! Because this is where I want to be.

    President George W. Bush: Oh my God, I’m sorry I got mad at you.. I will never fire you. I-I-I don’t care if you never told me about those pictures.. I-I-I-I.. or all the other stuff happening in Iraq! I don’t want to know anything about Iraq! I hate that place!

    Donald Rumsfeld: Don’t you worry – I’ll make sure you know absolutely nothing from now on.

    President George W. Bush: Oh, Mr. Secretary.. friends for life?

    Donald Rumsfeld: Friends for life. But I do have one more thing that I have to tell you.

    President George W. Bush: Ohhh.. you’re not gonna write a book, are ya’?

    Donald Rumsfeld: No. It’s worse than that. [ turns to face the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ as Forte moves in for an impromptu kiss, making Hammond laugh as he speaks ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: TV Funhouse



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 19


    03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

    TV Funhouse

    [open on black and white image of marijuana leaf with title: “Pothead Theater”]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater! [title is removed, and small images of clips from many different programs move from left to right across the screen] For centuries, man has designed cartoons with no regard for the inclinations of the pothead. Tonight, for the first time, TV Funhouse allows potheads to determine the cartoons they want to enjoy on Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve Pothead #1, wearing a yellow shirt that reads, “Farmer’s Daugheter Motel,” in a large paved area with people in the background]

    Pothead #1: I’d like to see a dog walking people.

    [dissolve to animation: a dog stands upright and escorts a leashed man and woman walking on all fours] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to Pothead #1, who is laughing hysterically] [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve to Pothead #2, sitting by a tree and with a guitar next to him]

    Pothead #2: How about a fish catching people? [flashes hippie love sign] [dissolve to animation: a green fish sits on a pier with a fishing pole, and lifts it up to reveal a man hooked by his mouth] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to Pothead #2, who chuckles and flashes love sign again] [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve to Pothead #3, sitting in a field]

    Pothead #3: Have ketchup shaking people out of a bottle.

    [dissolve to animation: a large blob of ketchup smacks the bottom of a ketchup bottle filled with people, until several plop out onto a plate] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to Pothead #3, who is laughing hysterically] [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve to Pothead #4, wearing a black shirt that reads, “Don’t Steal,” and Pothead #5, wearing a grey shirt that reads, “Almost Famous,” standing near a park of some sort]

    Pothead #4: Have balloon animals twist people. [Pothead #5 laughs] [dissolve to animation: a red balloon dog twists a man into the same dog shape] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to Pothead #4 and Pothead #5, who are laughing hysterically]

    Pothead #4: Thank you! Thank you!

    [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve to female pothead, wearing messenger bag and in same setting as Pothead #1]

    Female Pothead: How about one with the environment exploiting people.

    [dissolve to animation: a deciduous tree operates a conveyor belt as people on it pass through a machine and are turned into small objects that an evergreen tree places into a box] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to female pothead, who cackles and covers her mouth] [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    [dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, wearing hats and sitting in paved amphitheatre]

    Pothead #6: You could have TVs watching people.

    [dissolve to animation: a television set sits on a small wooden stand while a man sits on an easy chair, and they face each other across a room; it is indistinguishable from a man watching television] [pleasant music plays] [music stops] [dissolve to Pothead #6 and Pothead #7, who have no reaction] [dissolve to Pothead Theater title screen]

    Announcer: Pothead Theater!

    Submitted by: DavidK93

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 18



    03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

    17th Annual Adult Movie Awards

    Ron Jeremy…..Horatio Sanz

    [ open with NBC logo ]

    Announcer: You’re watching NBC, America’s #1 television network!

    Disclaimer: ..among adults, 24 to 26, in non-metropolitan areas.

    [ dissolve to awards show montage reel ]

    Announcer: Live, from the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.. it’s the 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards. Featuring appearances by..

    Ron Jeremy..

    Jenna Jameson..

    Phil McCracken..

    Urethra Franklin..

    Betty Balzac and the Betty Balzac Dancers..

    Jeremy Piven..

    Dick Petersworth..

    Dick Prong..

    Dick Mcfeelie..

    Dick Vhanes..

    Dick Spitz..

    Dick Rod..

    Rod Dick..

    Bill Mahar and “The Teabagger”..

    Dick “The Penis” McPherson..

    Jimmy Kimmel..

    Rusty Tailpipe..

    Krystal Ballz..

    Tawny Kooter..

    Rumple Foreskin..

    Misty Britches..

    Mary Hole..

    “Saturday Night Live”‘s Darrell Hammond..

    ..and Maggie Gyllenballs.

    [ dissolve to the awards stage ]

    Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. your host for the evening – Rom Jeremy!

    [ Ron Jeremy, in dark blazer and tropical shirt, steps up to the podium ]

    Ron Jeremy: Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome, once again, to the 17th —

    [ the awards are cut off ]

    Announcer: [ over matching SUPER ] “Due to heightened sensitivity and the threat of FCC fines, NBC regrets to inform our audience that certain portions of the Adult Film Awards have been deemed unsuitable for broadcast. We apologize for any inconvenience. We now rejoin the program.”

    [ cut back to the awards, Ron Jeremy at the podium in only his tropical shirt and flanked by three porn actresses ]

    Ron Jeremy: Well, that’s our show! [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching, everybody, we’ll see you next year!

    [ dissolve to NBC logo ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Snoop’s Mother’s Day Message



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 19


    03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

    Snoop’s Mother’s Day Message

    … Snoop Dogg

    [Card, illustrated with a flower, reads: Mother’s DayMESSAGE FROM SNOOP DOGG]

    Don Pardo V/O: [reverent] And now a Mother’sDay message from Snoop Dogg.

    [Dissolve to and slowly zoom in on actor-rapper SnoopDogg seated at Home Base in a huge wicker chair,surrounded by huge arrangements of flowers. He wearsan amber-brown fedora hat and a creamy pink suit andholds a long-stemmed red rose as he addresses thecamera in a gentle, cadenced voice. Mellow piano musicplays underneath.]

    Snoop Dogg: Mom, you’re my number one girl, asoft place to fall.
    When the world has betrayed me, you’re the first one Icall.

    I’m your little peanut … my devotion is true.
    And I know that you love me – ’cause I came out ofyou.

    You huffed and you puffed and you pushed the Snoopout.
    And, for all that pushin’, I’ll give you a shoutout.

    ‘Cause I’m a tall ass mo-fo and even back then,
    When I was a baby, I was, like, four foot ten.

    And because I was skinny, so tall and so lean,
    It was like you delivered a giant string bean.

    So thank you for lettin’ me come out o’ you.
    Why don’t you go make your baby some Dinty Moorestew?

    Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you.

    And to all the moms out there:

    [winks] What up, ladies? You lookin’ realgood.

    [Snoop smiles and spreads his arms quizzically as wezoom back out. The crowd responds warmly. Dissolve toa stylish bumper photo of an elegant Snoop, headbowed, as he touches the brim of his black hat, awhite coat draped over his shoulders.]

    Submitted Anonymously

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Billy Joel



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 29: Episode 18



    03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

    Billy Joel

    Girl 1…..Lindsay Lohan
    Girl 2…..Amy Poehler
    Girl 3…..Tina Fey
    Girl 4…..Maya Rudolph
    Billy Joel…..Horatio Sanz

    (Opens with girls 2,3 and 4 getting in the backseat ofa car, they hold exotic drinks, girl 1 jumps on thepassenger seat)

    Girl 2: Ha! It’s this one you guys. It’s right over here.

    Girl 1: I cannot believe we’re actually partying in the Hampton’s!

    Girl 4: This is so cool! How do you get some completestranger to drive us over to Russel Simmons’s party?

    Girl 3: I know how she did it! (They all laugh)

    Girl 2: You guys! It wasn’t like that! It was thecoolest. I saw this old guy sleeping on a table, Iwoke him up and he says he drives us wherever we wantto go.

    Girl 1: Well, I’m ready to party! Where is this guy?

    (Billy Joel gets in the driver’s seat and he’ssinging)

    Billy Joel: Sing us a song you’re the piano man, sing us asong tonight. (Stops singing) Hello ladies! I’ll beyour chauffeur tonight. Billy Joel’s my name,driving’s the game! You may also know some of mysongs. “Piano man” “Uptown girl” “Still rock and rollto me” Nothing? (Girls nod their heads no) Ah, nobiggy. Where are you off to ladies?

    Girl 1: We’re going to Russell Simmons’s house. (Theytake off)

    Billy Joel: Been there many times. I’ve pissed on that poolbefore if you know what I mean.

    Girl 3: No. What do you mean?

    Billy Joel: I went to the bathroom in the pool. I think Ishould warn you I’m an excellent driver.

    Girl 3: You look really familiar.

    Billy Joel: Yeah, I’m Billy Joel. (Sings) You had to be abig shot, didn’t ya? Had to open up your mouth! (Stopssinging) Nothing? Oh, well what the hell! We’re in theHamptons. I can drive these streets blind.

    Girl 1: Oh my God! (Car swerves, tires screech)

    Billy Joel: That was close! (sings) Almost gave me a heartattack ak-ak-ak-ak (stops singing) Hahaha! Oh, that’s mysong from “Movin out”

    Girl 3: Now I know who you are! You’re the guy thatwrote that musical.

    Girl 1: Oh yeah, my mom took my nana and my aunt to that.

    Billy Joel: Interesting story. It’s actually basedon… (Billy completely turns around to talk to thegirls on the backseat, girls scream)

    Girl 1: Oh, my God!! (2 trash cans bounce from the hoodof the car, Billy takes the wheel and laughs)

    Billy Joel: Oh!, couple of trash cans on the street! Uh…what was I saying?

    Girl 2: Pay attention to the road, mister!

    Billy Joel: You don’t need to worry about that. I’m anexcellent captain. I also wrote this littlediddy. (sings) Bottle of red, bottle of white… (stopssinging and once again turns to the backseat) ActuallyI got a bottle in the backseat probably.

    Girls-Watch out!! (Children’s toys bounce and fly overthe hood of the car)

    Girl 1: What are you doing?

    Girls: Mailbox! Mmailbox!

    (Mailbox crashes into the car and it lands right inthe middle of the windshield completely blocking theview. Amy is heard yelling “Oh my God!” and everyoneis cracking up. Horatio gets halfway out of the carthrough the car window and pushes the mailbox off thecar with a bottle. Much cheers and applause from theaudience for the blooper)

    Girl 1: You know…

    Billy Joel: (sings with a bottle) Look at this.Bottle ofpineapple Schnapps! Hells yeah! (takes a swig)

    Girl 1: I could drive! I could drive! I could drive! Icould drive!

    Billy Joel: Don’t even worry about it! These are mystreets! I’m a Long Island boy! Shortcut!!!! (crashthrough a gate, wood shatters and flies all over theplace, girls scream) (sings and pretends to play pianoon the dashboard) Friday night I crashed your party,Saturday I said I’m sorry! (stops singing) Right,ladies?

    Girls: DOG!!!

    Billy Joel:Ahhh! (dog bounces off the hood, woof!) Don’tworry, don’t worry! He’ll be all right. I’ve hit thatdog before! All right, too much excitement! I’m gonnapass out for a few seconds. (Billy passes out, carswerves out of control)

    Girl 2: What?!

    Girl 4: Do something!!

    Girl 2: Grab the wheel!!

    Girl 1: I don’t know what to do!

    Girl 2: Wake up!, wake up!

    (Billy wakes up)

    Billy Joel: What?!, what?!, what?! (sings and dances) Andwe’re living here in Allentown!! (stops singing) Hey!,who’s driving this buggy?

    Girl 3: You are mister! Please, stop!

    Girl 1: I want to get out of this car right now!!

    Billy Joel: (sings and pretends to play on thedashboard) I’d rather laugh with the sinners than crywith the saints, sinners are much more fun, only thegood die young!! (stops singing) Woooo!!!!

    Girl 1: You know what? You are scaring me mister!

    Billy Joel: Don’t I know it!

    Girls: A brick wall!!!!Look out!!!

    Billy Joel: Aaaaaahhhh!!!!!

    (They crash against the brick wall and pieces of itslam on the hood of the car, car stops)

    Girl 2: Oh, my God! You could’ve killed us you creep!!

    Girl 1: You should be in jail!!

    Girl 4: YOU NEED HELP, BUSTER!!!!

    Billy Joel: True. True enough. But I give you the estate ofMr. Russell Simmons’s!

    (The girls all change their tunes)

    Girls: Oooohhh!

    Girl 1: Hey, are you gonna come in?

    Billy Joel: Oh, man! I haven’t missed a party in theHampton’s in 20 years! Just point me towards the pool!

    Girl 4: I wonder if there’s gonna be a band there….

    (They all get of the car towards the party)

    (Cheers and applause)

    Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

    SNL Transcripts