SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

17th Annual Adult Movie Awards

Ron Jeremy…..Horatio Sanz

[ open with NBC logo ]

Announcer: You’re watching NBC, America’s #1 television network!

Disclaimer: ..among adults, 24 to 26, in non-metropolitan areas.

[ dissolve to awards show montage reel ]

Announcer: Live, from the Circus Circus Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada.. it’s the 17th Annual Adult Movie Awards. Featuring appearances by..

Ron Jeremy..

Jenna Jameson..

Phil McCracken..

Urethra Franklin..

Betty Balzac and the Betty Balzac Dancers..

Jeremy Piven..

Dick Petersworth..

Dick Prong..

Dick Mcfeelie..

Dick Vhanes..

Dick Spitz..

Dick Rod..

Rod Dick..

Bill Mahar and “The Teabagger”..

Dick “The Penis” McPherson..

Jimmy Kimmel..

Rusty Tailpipe..

Krystal Ballz..

Tawny Kooter..

Rumple Foreskin..

Misty Britches..

Mary Hole..

“Saturday Night Live”‘s Darrell Hammond..

..and Maggie Gyllenballs.

[ dissolve to the awards stage ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen.. your host for the evening – Rom Jeremy!

[ Ron Jeremy, in dark blazer and tropical shirt, steps up to the podium ]

Ron Jeremy: Hello, everyone. Hello. Welcome, once again, to the 17th —

[ the awards are cut off ]

Announcer: [ over matching SUPER ] “Due to heightened sensitivity and the threat of FCC fines, NBC regrets to inform our audience that certain portions of the Adult Film Awards have been deemed unsuitable for broadcast. We apologize for any inconvenience. We now rejoin the program.”

[ cut back to the awards, Ron Jeremy at the podium in only his tropical shirt and flanked by three porn actresses ]

Ron Jeremy: Well, that’s our show! [ chuckles ] Thanks for watching, everybody, we’ll see you next year!

[ dissolve to NBC logo ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Snoop’s Mother’s Day Message

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 19

03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Snoop’s Mother’s Day Message

… Snoop Dogg

[Card, illustrated with a flower, reads: Mother’s DayMESSAGE FROM SNOOP DOGG]

Don Pardo V/O: [reverent] And now a Mother’sDay message from Snoop Dogg.

[Dissolve to and slowly zoom in on actor-rapper SnoopDogg seated at Home Base in a huge wicker chair,surrounded by huge arrangements of flowers. He wearsan amber-brown fedora hat and a creamy pink suit andholds a long-stemmed red rose as he addresses thecamera in a gentle, cadenced voice. Mellow piano musicplays underneath.]

Snoop Dogg: Mom, you’re my number one girl, asoft place to fall.
When the world has betrayed me, you’re the first one Icall.

I’m your little peanut … my devotion is true.
And I know that you love me – ’cause I came out ofyou.

You huffed and you puffed and you pushed the Snoopout.
And, for all that pushin’, I’ll give you a shoutout.

‘Cause I’m a tall ass mo-fo and even back then,
When I was a baby, I was, like, four foot ten.

And because I was skinny, so tall and so lean,
It was like you delivered a giant string bean.

So thank you for lettin’ me come out o’ you.
Why don’t you go make your baby some Dinty Moorestew?

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you.

And to all the moms out there:

[winks] What up, ladies? You lookin’ realgood.

[Snoop smiles and spreads his arms quizzically as wezoom back out. The crowd responds warmly. Dissolve toa stylish bumper photo of an elegant Snoop, headbowed, as he touches the brim of his black hat, awhite coat draped over his shoulders.]

Submitted Anonymously

SNL Transcripts