SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Show Biz Grande Explosion



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19


03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Show Biz Grande Explosion

Fericito….Fred Armisen
Manuel Pantalones….Horatio Sanz
…..Snoop Dogg

(Opens with the Univision logo. Mariachi music plays)

Caption: Univision en English.

(Show Biz Grande Explosion logo. Manuel is dressed like a mariachi, holds a guitar, sits on a stool)

Manuel Pantalones: Chicos y cucarachas! Welcome to Show Biz Grande Explosion! And here´s your host, on loan from the funny farm, Fe-e-e-ericito!

(Venezuelan comic Fericito has a loud burgundy suit, a golden tooth and comes out banging on his drumsticks, audience applauds to the rhythm of the sticks banging. Fericito plays wildly on his timbales set then stops)

Fericito: (heavy Latin accent) Did you feel it?!(audience cheers)I said, did you feel it?! (audience cheers) Welcome to my show. Now is time for my comedy monologue. Here´s my first joke. Did you hear they confiscated Michael Jackson underwear? You know what kind it is? Fruit of the “loony” (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: And then this guy fired his lawyer and got a new one. Do you know who he should get? Omarosa! (rim shot) Ay, Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: (laughs) Omarosa! That´s great!

Fericito: Manuel, do you even know who Omarosa is?

Manuel Pantalones: Um, lawyer?

Fericito: Manuel, you´re fired!

Manuel Pantalones: (sad) Ok. (gets off his stool)

Fericito: No, Manuel. Its from “The Apprentice”. Its a joke!

Manuel Pantalones: I don´t get it.

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb…

Manuel Pantalones: (sits back down) How dumb am I?

Fericito: Manuel is so dumb the only thing he ever passed was a kidney “estone”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Actually I didn´t pass it. The doctors dissolved it…

Fericito: Manuel, come on! Give it up for Manuel Pantalones and his Mariachis!

(Manuel plays his guitar with two other mariachis. Fericito sits behind his desk. A little drum set in front of him.)

Fericito: So, Manuel, how was your weekend?

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, you know, it was great, you know. I wish my wife was in better shape though, you know.

Fericito: Manuel´s wife is so big that when she steps on a scale it says “to be continued”. (rim shot) Ay Dios Mio!

Manuel Pantalones: Here we go….

Fericito: I´m serious, his woman is so big, her shadow has stretch marks. (rim shot)

Manuel Pantalones: (offended) I think they get it.

Fericito: Manuel, (throws his arms up) I´m just “keeeding”!

(Manuel laughs)

Fericito: Now it’s time for my new comedy routine — Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and the 2 mariachis plays the jingle)

Manuel Pantalones: (sing) Fericito-walki-i-i-i-g!

Fericito: So what I did is I went out in the streets and asked easy questions to people on the streets. You won´t believe the answers I got!

(Cut to Fericito asking a question to a woman on the street. She is smiling.)

Fericito: Ok, who is the first President of the United States?

Woman: George Washing — (Splat! Fericito hits her with a cream pie in the face. Fericito laughs)

(Cut back into the studio. Fericito has cracked himself up with the clip.)

Fericito: Ah! Did you believe that lady? It’s a real lady! That was Fericito-walking!

(Manuel and his 2 mariachis)

Manuel Pantalones: (sings) Fericito-walki-i-i-ig!

Fericito: My first guest is a man who sings rap songs and wears baggy pants. “Esnoopy” Dogg!

(Rap star Snoop Doggy Dogg comes out. Flashes peace signs, shakes hands with Fericito and sits down)

Fericito: Oh, great. So, “Esnoopy” Dogg. I see you have a new movie coming out.

Snoop Dogg: Yeah, it’s called “Soul Plane”. I play the captain. You know, these days I´m doing it all. I can do music, I can do drama, and now, with this movie, I´m doing a little bit of comedy.

Fericito: Comedy? Really? You think you could do comedy? You have to leave that to the professionals, you know. You think you´re a funny guy?

Snoop Dogg: I´m always playing around. Ok, like, would you like to hear some of my music?

Fericito: Yes, please.

Snoop Dogg: Would you like tapes or CDs?

Fericito: CDs.

Snoop Dogg: Ok, well, “CD´s” nuts. (shows Fericito his crotch)

Fericito: (confused) Eh?

(Manuel laughs hysterically)

Manuel Pantalones: He got you, Fericito!

Fericito: Please, Manuel. I don´t get this joke.

Manuel Pantalones: Oh, I got it!

Snopp Dogg: That´s ok. Maybe you want a tape instead.

Fericito: Oh, yes. I´d like a tape.

Snopp Dogg: All right, how about I “tape” my nuts to the back of your head.

(More hysterical laughing from Manuel)

Fericito: “Esnoopy” you´re talking crazy. If you´re gonna tell a joke, you need a gimmick for your punchline. You got to show the audience where to laugh, ok? Do something like this after your punchline. Put your hands behind your ears and go like this. (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaa?! Ok, so let´s do the CD joke again, ok. Uh, yes, please “Esnoop” I´d like a CD.

Snoop Dogg: Well, then, “CD´s” nuts. (shoves his crotch forward)

Fericito: Now, behind your ears like this….

Snopp Dogg: (puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?!

(Manuel laughs)

Manuel Pantalones: That worked! That really worked.

Fericito: It’s better, right? It’s more professional.

Snoop Dogg: Yes, that´s cool. I like that. You should tell Eileen that.

Fericito: Eileen who?

Snoop Dogg: “Eileen” back so you can rub this nuts! (pushes crotch forward and puts his hands behind his ears) Say Whaaaa?! Now look Fericito, why don´t you play me some of those Latin beats so we can turn it out.

Fericito: Let´s do it! (gets up from behind his desk goes to his timbales set) All right, I´ll be right back with Kiefer Sutherland from “Veinticuatro” (plays his timbales while Snopp Dogg dances)

Caption: Show Biz Grande Explosion logo

(Cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Snoop Dogg: 05/08/04: Rumsfeld Resigns



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 29: Episode 19




03s: Snoop Dogg / Avril Lavigne

Rumsfeld Resigns

President George W. Bush…..Will Forte
Donald Rumsfeld…..Darrell Hammond
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph

[ open on exterior, White House ] [ dissolve to interior, Oval Office, President George W. Bush speaking with Donald Rumsfeld as Condoleeza Rice watches ]

President George W. Bush: Donald.. I thought you did real good testifying in front of the committee yesterday. I thought you really stuck it to them. Especially that old guy with the big head!

Donald Rumsfeld: You’re talking about Ted Kennedy?

President George W. Bush: Yeah. That guy!

Donald Rumsfeld: Well, thank you. Thank you, Mr. President, I appreciate that, but, uh.. I also see the writing on the wall. The American people want me to go. And you yourself got pretty mad at me. So.. maybe it’s time.. I should go. I don’t want to miss my plane. I just want you to know.. I’ll never forget all that we had.

President George W. Bush: Neither will I.

[ they hug ]

Donald Rumsfeld: Alright, now I really do need to go. I’m off to a NATO conference. In Paris. Au revoir.

[ Rumsfeld exits the Oval Office ]

Condoleeza Rice: So.. you just let him go, sir.

President George W. Bush: Yes, I did, Condi.

Condoleeza Rice: Well.. maybe it’s for the best, sir. A lot of people were calling for his resignation. Maybe, politically, it’s better for you. You know, you two need to be away from each other, and.. maybe you can finally.. get over him.

President George W. Bush: It’s true. Except.. I don’t want to get over him.

Condoleeza Rice: You’re going to go after him, sir? [ excited ] My taxi’s outside! I’ll drive you to the airport!

[ “Friends” theme plays as we dissolve to nighttime exterior shot of the White House ] [ dissolve back to interior, Oval Office ]

President George W. Bush: [ re-enters ] I’m going to check my messages here.

[ Bush presses button on answering machine, as the tape rewinds and begins to play ]

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Mr. President. Hi. It’s me. And I just got on the plane. I just feel awful. And that is so not how I wanted things to end with us. Now I’m just sitting here, and thinking of all the stuff I should have said, and I didn’t, and I.. I mean, I didn’t even get a chance to tell you that I love you, too! Because, of course I do – I love you, I.. I love you. I love you. [ a beat ] What am I doing? I love you! I’ve gotta see you, I’ve gotta get off this plane..

President George W. Bush: [ excited, jumps to his feet ] Oh, my God!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Excuse me..

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. Please, sit down.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: No, I’m sorry. I’m the Secretary of Defense, and I need to get off the plane, okay? I need to just tell someone that I love him!

Voice of Flight Attendant: Mr. Secretary. I can’t let you off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ screaming ] Let him off the plane!!

Voice of Flight Attendant: I’m afraid you’re going to have to take your seat.

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Please, Miss, you don’t understand..

President George W. Bush: Try to understand!!

Voice of Donald Rumsfeld: Oh, come on, Miss! Isn’t there any way that you can just let me off this —

[ machine beeps, message over ]

President George W. Bush: [ panicking ] No! No! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Did he get off the plane?! Did he get off the plane?!

[ cut to Rumsfeld standing in the door frame ]

Donald Rumsfeld: I got off the plane.

President George W. Bush: [ tense excitement fills his face ] You got off the plane.

[ they slowly walk toward one another, hug, then open-mouth kiss ]

Donald Rumsfeld: My God.. I do love you.

President George W. Bush: I love you, too.

Donald Rumsfeld: Good! Because this is where I want to be.

President George W. Bush: Oh my God, I’m sorry I got mad at you.. I will never fire you. I-I-I don’t care if you never told me about those pictures.. I-I-I-I.. or all the other stuff happening in Iraq! I don’t want to know anything about Iraq! I hate that place!

Donald Rumsfeld: Don’t you worry – I’ll make sure you know absolutely nothing from now on.

President George W. Bush: Oh, Mr. Secretary.. friends for life?

Donald Rumsfeld: Friends for life. But I do have one more thing that I have to tell you.

President George W. Bush: Ohhh.. you’re not gonna write a book, are ya’?

Donald Rumsfeld: No. It’s worse than that. [ turns to face the camera ] “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” [ as Forte moves in for an impromptu kiss, making Hammond laugh as he speaks ]

SNL Transcripts