SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/01/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 18

03r: Lindsay Lohan / Usher

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Tina Fey
…..Jimmy Fallon
Jorge Rodriguez…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: And I’m Tina Fey. Here are tonight’s top stories.

President Bush and Vice President Cheney met privately Thursday with the 9/11 commission in the oval office. As per their agreement, they were allowed to appear together, the meeting was not electronically recorded and they were not under oath. Also, no one was allowed to look at them, talk to them, or ask them questions.

After the meeting, the commission chairman said, “I’m satisfied the president made a good faith effort to answer the questions.” That being said, he got a 310 verbal, 370 math.

Jimmy Fallon: Michael Jackson pleaded not guilty to a Grand Jury indictment charging him with child molestation, adding that if he is guilty of anything, he’s “guilty of loving too much…and, maybe a little child molestation.”

On Sunday, Jackson fired his legal team to replace them with defense attorney Thomas Mezzerough. Then on Thursday, Jackson fired Mezzerough, and replace him with a Madam Tosco’s wax figure of Vincent Price, and a mummified Egyptian house cat.

Tina Fey: Yesterday, in a New Jersey courtroom, former NBA star Jason Williams was acquitted of manslaughter charges, although by all accounts he did pull the trigger in the shooting death of his limo driver. The verdict sends a clear message that no matter where you live retired sports stars are allowed to kill you.

Jimmy Fallon: The treasury department released a newly redesigned 50-dollar bill this week that contains several anti-counterfeiting measures. Also, Grant got himself some Botox.

(Unplanned, interrupting the start of a joke)

Audience member: Jimmy?

Jimmy Fallon: Yea?

Audience member: Uh, yes, over here.

Jimmy Fallon: No, I can’t answer. Yea? I’ll talk to you later on, my brotha. Thank you. I hate when my father gets drunk.

Donald Trump announced this week that he’s getting married for the third time to model Malana Nouce. Trump also announced that somewhere in the world, his forth wife was just born.

When Trump proposed, he gave Nouce a 12-karat diamond ring worth $2 million. It would actually be worth more had he not insisted on carving Trump Engagement Ring on the side.

Tina Fey: John Kerry addressed criticism that he had claimed in 1971 to throw away medals he received in Vietnam. Calling the dispute, “a phony controversy stirred by Republicans”, President Bush fired back saying, [in a bush impression] “If I had one to Vietnam, and I wasn’t such a stone cold dummy and I coulda done something good and gotta medal for it, I sure as heck would have kept it.” That’s my awesome Bush impersonation.

It was announced this week that Bill Clinton’s long awaited memoirs will be published in June, with an initial printing of 1.5 million copies. Here’s a preview of the cover: [image appears of Clinton riding on a unicorn with a mermaid behind him]

Jimmy Fallon: Well it’s May, and that means high school graduation is right around the corner. But we want to make sure that another group of graduates are not forgotten, the people who earn their GED. Here — that’s not a joke. Here with his own personal story of triumph on the General Equivalency Diploma, is Mr. Jorge Rodriguez.

Jorge Rodriguez: Thank you very much Mr. Fallon. When I began to study for the GED, I was a father of four. My back had just gone out and I lost my job at the post office. Nobody would hire me. Not UPS, not Feral Express, not DHL, not..

Jimmy Fallon: What? Like Airborne Express?

Jorge Rodriguez: Airborne Express. I couldn’t even get a job delivering Pizza. Not at Pizza Hut, not at Dominoes, Little Caesar, not at uh.. at um..

Jimmy Fallon: Papa John’s.

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I didn’t apply at Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon: Whatever, whatever just keep going we understand.

Jorge Rodriguez: So, anyway I took the GED. And I failed it. I failed Science, I failed Math, I failed, uh..

Jimmy Fallon: English.

Jorge Rodriguez: Yeah, I failed everything. Then I got serious about it and I took it again. But I failed it again. So I sat down and said to myself, Get Real. You gotta pass this test. I got super serious and I studied my head off. And I still failed. I still failed!

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a minute. You failed three times?

Jorge Rodriguez: No. I failed five times. Then I said, I’m going to take this thing one last time. And my friend Pepe told me that he passed by the letter C for every answer.

Jimmy Fallon: And then you passed.

Jorge Rodriguez: No, my friend Pepe was wrong.

Jimmy Fallon: Why are you here?

Jorge Rodriguez: I’m looking for Pepe. Anybody know Pepe? Anybody?

Jimmy Fallon: I think he was just up there.[ Points to where heckler was]

Jorge Rodriguez: Don’t worry. Don’t worry, Jimmy Fallon. I’m gonna get Pepe. Your ass is grass and I’m the lawnmower. I’m the Toro, I’m the Honda, I’m the John Deere, I’m the snapper, I’m..

Jimmy Fallon: [Interrupting Jorge] Okay. Okay. That’s enough. Jorge Rodriguez everyone.

Tina Fey: Ben Affleck is joining Senator Ted Kennedy to campaign for a rise in the American minimum wage. But, first – cocktails!

The national censor for gay and lesbian rights this week honored Sharon Stone. Citing her unending support of gay and lesbian haircuts.

Jimmy Fallon: A new poll says that if there was a vote for first lady, Laura Bush would beat Teresa Heinz Kerry in a 2 to 1 landslide. The poll has a margin of error of plus or minus total irrelevance.

Tina Fey: A Norwegian couple is using money from their porn website to help save the environment. Apparently, they plant a tree for every dunderstrudel that they flurgen.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait a second. These Norwegian people, they plant a tree every time the slarbul each other’s ganickanorks?

Tina Fey: Oob.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait. Wait. Vunken Oob?

Tina Fey: Yeah dude. Flunking oob flurm.

A lawyer in the Philippines is arguing that cocaine that was found in his client’s rooster’s cage belonged to the rooster and not his client. He may have a case because when the rooster took the stand it would not shut up.

Jimmy Fallon: Experts said Monday that doctors are seeing an alarming rise in drug-resistant cases of gonorrhea. [ Camera zooms in on Jimmy] Again, you’re welcome.

Lulu, a pet kangaroo who help save the life of an Australian farmer last year, will be honored with the RSPCA’s national animal valor award. Or as Lulu the kangaroo will think of it,not food.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey!

Jimmy Fallon: And I’m Jimmy Fallon!

Both: Good night, and have a pleasant tommorow.

Submitted by: John Doe

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: 05/15/04: Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 20

03t: Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen / J-Kwon

Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey

…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Tina Fey…..Jimmy Fallon
Costas Popakanstantis…..Horatio Sanz

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “Weekend Update with Jimmy Fallon & Tina Fey.”

Jimmy Fallon: Hi, I’m Jimmy Fallon.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories.

Pentagon officials said Friday the US military will no longer usecertain prisoner interrogation techniques in Iraq following the Abugrab prison scandal. Among the banned tactics are sleep depravation, keeping prisoners in stressful positions, and of course … free-styling.

In an interview, army private Lyndie England says that her superiors gave her specific instructions on how to pose in the pictures with the Iraqi prisoners. But who added the drugged-out, inbred Peppermint Patty look, that was all Lyndie, baby.

Jimmy Fallon: Donald Rumsfeld made a surprise trip to Iraq Thursday and said “if anybody thinks that I’m here to throw water on a fire, there wrong.” So more bad news for the Iraqi prisoners on fire.

Colorado has passed a law that gives every high school student in the state $2,400 to attend a university. The governor said “it’s my dream that every child has enough money to attend college for 8 days.”

Tina Fey: As California’s wildfire season got underway, a 4.5 earthquake hit Santa Barbara, California on Sunday. Said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger “These earthquakes are fantastic! I promised you more action and excitement. We’re got wildfires. Soon we’re going to have a super-mega tornado, giant sinkholes, locusts are going to be there – we’re going to make California the number one action state in the country!”

Jimmy Fallon: Locusts are going to be there. According to a new study on the best and worst cities for dating, the best city for dating is Austin, Texas. And the worst city for dating for the 7th year in a row, Date-rape-ville, Maine.

Tina Fey: More bad news out of Iraq as new pictures from Abugrad prison has surfaced. Take a look at these. [pisture of Star War soldiers holding up producers] What is going on over there??

Barbara Streisand will auction off more than 400 of her gowns and other items on June 5th. The auction will take place on E-gay.

Here with a review of the movie “Troy” is our own Jimmy Fallon.

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much. Thank you Tina. I went to see “Troy” tonight, and it was awesome. Finally, an epic adventure for guys. It’s a real guy movie. It’s got action, great story, and then you see Brad Pitt and you go “” I could not take my eyes off of him. [gay voice] It’s as if Michangelo’s David gently laid its sling upon the ground, walked off his pedestal, and sat down next to me and said, “Hi, I’m Brad Pitt. Do you mind if we spend a couple hours together? I promise I won’t eat all your popcorn.”

Tina Fey: Jimmy, TV voice.

Jimmy Fallon: Sorry. This is a movie every guy would love. The battle scenes are fantastic, there’s hitting and punching [gay voice again] and slapping, I mean, thousands of sweaty Greek men, one behind the other, crotchless skirts and like —

Tina Fey: Jimmy, you got to pull it together – Were there any women in the movie?

Jimmy Fallon: Sure, there’s gotta be, but the men [gay voice] were like fighting each other with the swords, the crossing swords. Swords hitting each other with the –

[Tina slaps Jimmy on the face]

Jimmy Fallon: Bitch!

Tina Fey: Wrap it up, alright. Wrap it up.

Jimmy Fallon: [normal voice] Okay. Go see “Troy,” it will turn every man into a huge Homer –

Tina Fey: Jimmy!

Jimmy Fallon: – fan. Homer fan.

Tina Fey: Thank you, it was a very good review.

After viewing more photos of Iraqi prisoner abuse at the Pentagon Tuesday, President Bush again defended Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld, saying “You are doing a superb job. Our nation owes you a debt of gratitude.” And this time even Rumsfeld was like “You’re screwing with me, right?”

The publisher of Bill Clinton’s upcoming memoirs revealed Tuesday that the book is expected to be 900 pages long – and rock hard.

Jimmy Fallon: Officials in China said Monday that a con man took advantage of his resemblance to a famous historical figure to dupe patriotic old people out of their money. Thus proving that even to Chinese people, Chinese people look alike.

Tina Fey: It was reported that the CIA has used a secret set of rules for the interrogation of high-level Al Queda detainees —

Jimmy Fallon: Secret rule number one, there is no fight club.

[Jimmy punches Tina on the face]

Tina Fey: Aw, Jimmy, that might be that last time you hit me.

Jimmy Fallon: I know, it’s kind of sad. How about one more for old times sake.

Tina Fey: I’d like that.

[Jimmy prepares to punch Tina, but Tina throws a fast punch at Jimmy in the face]

Tina Fey: Ha! Idiot!

Madonna has gone to court to court in an attempt to stop hikers from walking across her property in England. She should try playing Madonna music, that would keeps people away.

Jimmy Fallon: With the opening ceremonies of the 2004 Athens summer Olympics less than 100 days away, major sections of the Olympics facilities have yet to be completed. Here to talk about the progress of the construction is Olympic supervising contractor, Costas Popakanstantis.

Costas Popakanstantis: Hello Jimmy. Tina. [speaks Greek] Its so good to be here.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah. Well it sounds like there’s still a lot of work to do. From what I heard, you only put half of the roof on the Olympic Stadium.

Costas Popakanstantis: What? Relax Jimmy. Endaxi, endaxi. Okay! The games don’t start for like six months.

Jimmy Fallon: Three months actually.

Costas Popakanstantis: Three months? [surprised] Jimmy! [acts worried] All right, here.

Jimmy Fallon: What is this?

[holds up model of Olympic Stadium]

Costas Popakanstantis: I brought this model of Olympic Stadium, to show everybody that it’s ok. Its cool like menthol cigarettes, my man.

Jimmy Fallon: It looks great. That looks great, there. So its almost finished?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well you know, I thought I’d re-glue this section right here. Maybe put some little dudes in here, “Hey im running around!” You know …

Jimmy Fallon: I’m not talking about this model, I’m talking about the actual thing in Greece. The stadium?

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, there’s nothing like this in Greece, friend. I’m telling you right now. If there was, my job would be a lot easier.

Jimmy Fallon: All right, well I like this tower here. That’s nice.

Costas Popakanstantis: Oh, that’s — that’s my coffee cup. It’s not part of the deal. Sorry about that.

Jimmy Fallon: You put it on your model?

Costas Popakanstantis: Where am I gonna put it? On my head? I’m gonna go talk about this. You know.

Jimmy Fallon: Don’t set your head on fire, Costas. Umm.. So how much IS done?

Costas Popakanstantis: Uh, I’ll show you. Umm. Pretty much …well this isn’t done. [starts tearing off parts of the model] These two roof pieces aren’t done. This is … no this isn’t done either. There’s too many bushes here. This part’s gone. Here. [he leaves a pole from the side of the model] We got this up.

Jimmy Fallon: Wow.

Costas Popakanstantis: Yeah … wow. Pretty nice, right? You can fly through there, you can run up here. One, two, three, who’s there? Hiding over there in the bush!

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Silver medal!

[both laughing hysterically]

Jimmy Fallon: Who is in the bush?

Costas Popakanstantis: Come on, take it easy. Get your panties out of your butt crack!

Jimmy Fallon: Excuse me?!

Costas Popakanstantis: We got plans. We got all these plans, okay. We got backup plans.

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, let me get my panties out of my butt crack! Yeah. I’ll put it in your coffee. Anyways…

Costas Popakanstantis: You know what, between you and me, I don’t like your ‘tude bro-bro.

Jimmy Fallon: I didn’t say anything!

Costas Popakanstantis: Okay look. Maybe they could change some of the events, you know. To correspond with our situation. You know, get rid of some of the old events. Add some new ones.

Jimmy Fallon: Wait, so you want some new events?

Costas Popakanstantis: Yes.

Jimmy Fallon: Like what?

Costas Popakanstantis: Well, just off the top of my head, stadium construction.

Jimmy Fallon: They’re, uh – They’re not going to do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: Jimmy, listen to me, okay bro. I don’t want to go back there, my bro. It’s rough over there, okay. I can stay here right?

Jimmy Fallon: Where?

Costas Popakanstantis: Here … in the studio.

Jimmy Fallon: No.

Costas Popakanstantis: I can sleep underneath here.

Jimmy Fallon: No. You can’t do that.

Costas Popakanstantis: I’m a funny guy, I’m Greek! I know how they do it here. Cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger.0

Jimmy Fallon: No, They don’t do that anymore.

Costas Popakanstantis: You like-a the juice?

Jimmy Fallon: The juice is good, Costas Popakanstantis, everybody.

Tina Fey: For Weekend Update, I’m Tina Fey.

Jimmy Fallon: Come Here. [motions camera to close up on him] I’m Jimmy Fallon. Might as well say thanks. This is my last show. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[The pencil that Jimmy throws at the end of every Update, he places it in his coat pocket] [fade out]

Submitted by: Chris Fuentes

SNL Transcripts