SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Access Hollywood

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Access Hollywood

Pat O’Brien…..Jimmy Fallon
Renee Zelwegger….Kelly Ripa
Mortimer Barnswallow….Horatio Sanz

(Opens with logo of Access Hollywood, Pat stands inthe studio, TV set behind him reads Renee Zelweggergets fat)

Announcer: Lights! Camera! Access!

Pat O’Brien: (very nasal voice) Welcome back to AccessHollywood. I’m Pat O’Brien. Scientists tell me thatthe space in my nasal cavity is so dense that nothingcan escape it. Not even light. Word around town isthat Ms. Renee Zelwegger packing on the pounds for herupcoming role to the sequel to “Bridget Jone’s Diary”.She’s not kidding, it looks like Bridget is jonesingfor “dairy” products. Last week I caught up with Reneeto get to the bottom of her really big bottom.

(Show’s logo. Lights! Camera! Access! Pat sits on achair and Renee sits on a couch. She barely has hereyes open, tiny slits looking away from Pat)

Pat O’Brien: Renee good to see you. 40 pounds heavier but youwear it well. You’re looking fantastic. I’m over here.Hey! (one clap, she faces him) I’m over here!

Renee Zelwegger: Oh, thanks Pat. Yep, 40 pounds andI’m carrying about 80% of it in my cheeks and lips.

Pat O’Brien: But you didn’t do it alone. Is thatright?

Renee Zelwegger: That’s right Pat. When I learn a newaccent for a movie I work with a dialect coach. Andwhen I need to gain weight for a role I work with anobesity coach.

Pat O’Brien: Ha, ha! And not just any obesity coach.You work with the best in the biz. The legendaryMortimer Barnswallow and he’s here tonight.

(3 Beeps are heard,a motorized wheelchair slowlyappears with fat as hell Mortimer Barnswallow on it.)

Pat O’Brien: Yep, there he is. He’s here. Take yourtime Mortimer.

(Mortimer slowly walks to the couch and sits next toRenee lifting the whole side of the couch that Reneeis sitting on. Her feet don’t touch the ground.)

Pat O’Brien: Mortimer good to see you. Now we shouldlet people know as far as obesity coaches go you’re atthe top of the list.

Mortimer Barnswallow: (snotty voice)I’m the greatestobesity coach of this generation. I use Viennasausages like tic-tacs. I butter my Oreos. And Ihaven’t had a bowel movement in nearly 3 years.

(Ripa is about to crack up laughing)

Renee Zelwegger: I begged the studio to set me up withMortimer after being so impressed with his otherclients.

Mortimer Barnswallow: You’ve no doubt seen my workbefore. Kristie Alley(photo of Kristie circa CHEERS,changes to another photo of Kristie fat, eyes closed,uncombed hair)Matthew Perry hired me.(Double chinphoto of Matthew)Then he fired me(Slim photo ofMatthew)Then he hired me again(Fatty photo ofMatthew)Like the guy who plays Scotty on “StarTrek”(black and white photo of young actor, change tophoto of fatter, older, white haired Scotty)

Pat O’Brien: Wow! Unbelievable, sir!

Mortimer Barnswallow: I’ll never forget what he saidto me when I force-fed him his third helping of beefstroganoff.

Pat O’Brien: What was that?

Mortimer Barnswallow:(Scottish accent)Captain! I’m-agiving it all she’s got but my colon, she cannot takeit no more!(Ripa looks away to stifle laughter)

Pat O’Brien: Renee, you’ve got to tell me. What is itlike to be working with a living legend like MortimerBarnswallow?

Renee Zelwegger: It was fantastic! He is a legend. Didyou know that he finished Mamma Cass’s last hamsandwich?

Mortimer Barnswallow: There’s more residual nutritionin my flatulence than in most American schoolslunches.

Renee Zelwegger: That’s true.

Mortimer Barnswallow: But obesity isn’t rocket sciencePat. There is so many things people can do to becomedangerously obese. For instance, 2 Twinkies instead ofone.

(Struggles to get up off the couch, groans, gets upand the side lifting Renee up in the air crashes down.Mortimer with 2 Twinkies in his hand sits, Renee isagain suspended in the air)

Mortimer Barnswallow: Simply place 2 of the Twinkiesback to back like so. (Joins the 2 Twinkies) Andsqueeze and stuff like this.(In one swift motion hepushes the 2 Twinkies into his mouth)

Pat O’Brien: You see that?! Did you see that??!He ate2 Twinkies at once!

Renee Zelwegger: I can’t see.

Pat O’Brien: I can’t breathe.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I can’t wash myself without abroom handle and a sponge.(Ripa hides her face butshoulders bounce giving away her cracking up)Forgiveme! I’m simply parched under these studiolights.(Picks up white bottle)Ah, Alfredo sauce,anyone?(Gulps it down)

Pat O’Brien: No, thank you Mortimer. No, thank youbuddy. I’m good. Renee tough as it may have been itlooks like it had the desired effect.

Renee Zelwegger: Actually, no. I completed the entireregiment and did everything he told me and when Ishowed up for my first screen test this is what Ilooked like.(Photo of morbidly obese Renee)

Pat O’Brien: Good God! La Boo! Yikes!

Renee Zelwegger: Ha, at first they didn’t think it was me. Theytried to direct me to the set for “The Klumps Part 3”.

Pat O’Brien: Of course.

Mortimer Barnswallow: I thought she looked quitefetching.

Renee Zelwegger: But I wasn’t quite what they werelooking for Bridget Jones. So 8 months and severalhundred thousands dollars in liposuction later I wasready to begin shooting.

Pat O’Brien: Out of sight. Mortimer Barnswallow andRenee Zelwegger. We’ll be right back with more AccessHollywood right after this. Wait till you see what mygood friend Keanu Reeves is up to. (long pause)Waittill you see what happens on “Friends” thisweek.(pause) I’m Pat O’Brien.

(Walks off camera, Access Hollywood logo appears.Light!Camera!Access!)

(Cheers and applause)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Roddick: 11/08/03: Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews

Tennis Talk with Time Traveling Scott Joplin

Scott Joplin…..Maya Rudolph
1992 Andre Agassi…..Seth Meyers
Andre Agassi…..Andy Roddick
Future Andre Agassi…..Will Forte

Announcer: And now: “Tennis Talk”, with, your host, Time-Traveling Scott Joplin!

Scott Joplin: [ playing on the piano ] Hi. I’m Scott Joplin.. the father of ragtime, and frequent time-traveler. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from traveling through time, it’s that I love professional tennis. That’s why I host this show.. every week. Today, I’m especially thrilled, because I have with me three of the greatest tennis players of all time.

Our first guest: eight-time grand slam winner – please welcome Andre Agassi. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Agassi (with shaved head) enters and sits ]

Our next guest has just won his first Wimbledon – please welcome Andre Agassi from the year 1992. [ plays ragtime on the piano as 1992 Agassi ( with blond mullet and earring) enters and sits ]

And our final guest: tennis Hall-of-Famer and Ambassador to Neptune – Andre Agassi of the future. [ plays ragtime on the piano as Future Agassi (in futuristic silver clothing and long hair) enters and sits ]

Let’s start with you, ’92 Agassi. What’s new with you?

1992 Andre Agassi: [ chuckles ] Well, things are pretty great! I just won Wimbledon.. I’m dating Brooke Shields.. and I’m doing these pretty awesome commercials for Canon Cameras!

Scott Joplin: That’s great. By the way, Patrick Swayze called – he wants his hair back. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] How about you, Present-Day Andre Agassi – what’s going on with you?

Andre Agassi: I’m really excited. I just had a second baby with my wife, Steffi Graf.

1992 Andre Agassi: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. what, what, what?! I did what?! I was dating Brooke Shields! What happened to Brooke Shields?!

Scott Joplin: Yeah, what happened to Brooke Shields? I don’t know. Maybe she got beyond bored-a you and that cat on your head! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] What about you, Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: Well, first of all, I’m back with Brooke Shields – and her sex clone.

1992 Andre Agassi: Ye-es!

[ 1992 Agassi and Future Agassi high-five one another ]

1992 Andre Agassi: [ to Present-Day Agassi ] Suck it!

Future Andre Agassi: Also, I just returned victorious from the Great Space War. [ swings his futuristic racquet back and forth, to space sound effects ] Yes, the world’s a very different place, in 2008!

Scott Joplin: Hey, Mullet Agassi – I’m looking at Future Agassi, and you still look like the freak! [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ]

Andre Agassi: Joplin, I don’t appreciate you picking on the ’92 me! I-I was just a kid..

1992 Andre Agassi: I don’t need your help, Old Man! Plus, I’m still mad about you screwing up the whole Brooke Shields thing!

Andre Agassi: Hey, remind me.. [ chuckles ] Wasn’t it you who was hoking up with Barbara Streisand? I mean, come on! Barbara Streisand!

Future Andre Agassi: [ in a serious tone ] That’s no way to talk about the President of the United States!

Scott Joplin: Whoa, whoa, whoa.. whose show is this? Mine? Or the Ghosts of Bad Hair Past, Bad Hair Present, and Bad Hair Future? [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] One final question: the Number One player in the world is Andy Roddick. What do you think of him? ’92 Agassi?

1992 Andre Agassi: Never heard of him.

Scott Joplin: How about you, Present-Day Agassi?

Andre Agassi: Nah, he’s okay.. if you like pretty boys.

Scott Joplin: Future Agassi?

Future Andre Agassi: I’ll never forget what he did for our country. [ stands to yell ] Rod-diiiiiiiickkk!!

Scott Joplin: Ugh. This is worse than the time our guests were Closeted Martina Navritalova, Gay Martina Navritalova, and Mr. Martina Navritalova. [ pounds his version of a rimshot on the piano ] Well.. that’s game, set and match, here on “Tennis Talk”. Until our next court time, I’m Time-Traveling.. Scott Joplin.

SNL Transcripts