SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Tressant Suprême

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Tressant Suprême

…..Kelly Ripa

Kelly Ripa: I’m always on the go. “Go, go go!” I’m up at 4:00 with the baby.. out the door at 6:00.. on the air at 9:00. And the crazy part is, I’m supposed to look good doing it. That’s why I use Tressant Suprême.

Tressant Suprême is this fantastic heat and mosturizing intensive hair color, with natural highlights and just a little bit of crack cocaine!

Yeah, I could pay hundreds of dollars to get highlights at a salon.. but how would that help me get through my fifteeneth time interviewing Melissa Joan Hart? It wouldn’t. [ intense ] That’s what the cocaine is for!

Why, just the other night, I was up at three in the morning cleaning my air conditioners, and my husband said, “Wow, babe! Your hair looks great! Come back to bed now, please. Please. I’m very worried about you.” And he was crying a little bit.. [ laughs sadistically ] And I love that it’s all natural – except for the crack cocaine part.

Tressant Suprême is so gentle.. I mean, I will highlight myhair three, four times a day, and it never gets dried up! Look how silky it is. See how it totally moves with me? God, I feel like dancing!

[ dancing ] Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah! Ooh-ah!

Oh, my God, I just had the most awesome idea for a movie! Somebody write this down!

People ask me: “How do you do it all? Work.. three kids.. a great marriage.” And I say, “Who the f-ck are you?! Get away from my limo!” And then I calm down, and I say, “Tressant Suprême. Try it.”

I’ll tell you one thing – I cannot do this much longer..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Gay Train

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Gay TRain

Announcer…..Chris Parnell
Harvey Fierstein…..Alec Baldwin
Dancer…..Chris Parnell
Gerard…..Kenan Thompson
Tamara Kind…..Maya Rudolph
Sir Ian McKellen…..Seth Meyers

[ Techno music plays. On a black screen, the logos of each program are shown ]

Announcer: This November, from the network that brought you Boy Meets Boy and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, Bravo is proud to present Tony Award winner Harvey Fierstein …

[ The music changes as we fade to a logo of a gyrating pink phallic-shaped train on a track, topped with a little purple phallic-shaped smoke stack shooting rainbows ]

Announcer: … in what will be their most homosexual show yet!

[ Fade to Harvey Fierstein in a club full of male dancers, holding a microphone with the show’s logo, Gay Train ]


[ Zoom out and in on the male dancers, some of whom are shirtless. Switch back to the pink train logo, now with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Just like Soul Train, only gay! And with Harvey Fierstein.

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Got your ticket? Get on board, ’cause the Gay Train is comin’ into your station, choo choo!

[ The camera floats among the male dancers ]

Announcer: All aboard Bravo’s Gay Train! And it’s not just dancing, it’s fashion, too! Because no one knows gays like Bravo, and no one knows fashion like gay guys!

[ Cut to Harvey interviewing a clubber ]

Harvey Fierstein: What’s your name and what are you wearing?

Gerard: My name is Gerard, and I am wearing John Varvatos.

Harvey Fierstein: Did you just roll your eyes at me?

Gerard: I did NOT roll my eyes!

Harvey Fierstein: Yes you did, you tired queen! I don’t know what you’re up to, but don’t try it! I’ll read you like the back of a can of frosting! [ pinches Gerard’s nipple and chuckles ]

[ Switch back to the pink train logo with the show’s name ]

Announcer: Could it get any gayer than that? Bravo says yes!

[ A CD cover takes up the screen: “Touch of Kindness,” by Tamara Kind ]

Announcer: By introducing some of the hottest vocalists in the gay club scene!

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: Okay, people, put your hands together for Tamara Kind!

[ Applause. Her techno-pop song begins … ]

Tamara Kind: [ spoken intro ] All queens please report to the front desk.
You have a call. A very important call.

[ singing ] Flaw-less!
Un-relentlessly flawless!
Unforgivably, I’m flawless!
In my Devons she-dungarees,
Wo-oh-oh-ah-oh-oooooohhhh … GAY!

[ The song ends, and everyone cheers ]

Harvey Fierstein: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you go, Tamara Kind! You heard it here first on GAAAAAAAAYYYY TRAAAAAAAIIIN!

[ Switch to the red background where the train logo was before. Photos are shown of George Michael, Rob Halford, Melissa Etheridge, and Rupert Everett ]

Announcer: Exclusive, in-depth interviews with hot gay celebrities!

[ Back to Harvey, doing the bump with Sir Ian McKellen. Both are holding microphones ]

Harvey Fierstein: Sir Ian McKellen, welcome to Gay Train!

Sir Ian McKellen: Thanks. It’s my new fave show.

Harvey Fierstein: I saw ya eyeballin’ some of the Gay Train dancers!

Sir Ian McKellen: So many cute boys, so much of an age difference!

Harvey Fierstein: Ha! Very funny, Gandalf! Let’s get serious, what’s your favorite Dolly Parton movie? 9 to 5 or Straight Talk?

Sir Ian McKellen: [ shrugs ] Eh. That’s a puzzler.

[ Switch to a different version of the train logo – the pink train has been replaced with a bigger, black train. The words “November” and the Bravo logo appear. ]

Announcer: This November, coming to Bravo …

[ Back to Harvey ]

Harvey Fierstein: [ zero in on his face ] GAAAAAAAAAAAAY TRAAAAAAAAAIN!

[ Switch to the “pink train” logo ]

Announcer: Don’t miss it!

[ Fade to black ]

Submitted by: G. Gomez

SNL Transcripts