SNL Transcripts: Kelly Ripa: 11/01/03: Kelly Ripa’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 4

03d: Kelly Ripa / Outkast

Kelly Ripa’s Monologue

…..Kelly Ripa
Female Audience Member…..
Regis Fan…..Steve Higgins
Angry Husband…..J.B. Smoove
Angry Wife…..Paula Pell
Ruth Weinstock…..Rachel Dratch
Male Audience Member…..Jason Sudeikis
Pervert…..Jim Downey

Kelly Ripa: Wooow! I.. am.. so excited to be here tonight! Oh! Saturdays are my only night off, so usually I’m home getting pregnant! But this is fun, too. It’svery scary, though, hosting a show all by myself – you know, I.. need a little Irish man with me! You know, they asked me what I wanted to do for my monologue, and I was, like, “Gee, I don’t know,” you know? I’m used to live TV, so I think I’ll just.. talk to the people. So, that’s what I’m gonna do. So.. how you doing?

Female Audience Member: [ nervous, but excited ] How are you?

Kelly Ripa: Hi!

Female Audience Member: Hi!

Kelly Ripa: Where are you from?

Female Audience Member: Westchester.

Kelly Ripa: Westchester! County?

Female Audience Member: Yes.

Kelly Ripa: How’s Westchester this time of year.

Female Audience Member: It’s very nice – thank you!

Kelly Ripa: I’m from New Jersey. [ audience cheers ] Have you ever been to New Jersey?

Female Audience Member: Yes, I have.

Kelly Ripa: That’s great.

Female Audience Member: The road’s a pain..

Kelly Ripa: Yeah. Thank you.

Female Audience Member: You’re welcome..

[ Kelly moves over to a group wearing colorful “I Love Regis!” t-shirts ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, look at you! I like your shirts, they’re really cute!

Regis Fan: Is Regis coming out later?

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. no.. I’m sorry. Regis is performing at Foxwoods Country Club tonight.

Regis Fan: Let’s go, come on.. maybe we can catch the 12:05. We love you, Kelly!

[ the group of Regis fans exit the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: I guess I’ll see you later, then..

[ Angry Husband and Wife stand ]

Angry Husband: Hey, Kelly Ripa! We got a question!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah!

Angry Husband: Now, you’re 33 years old?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: And you got three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes. I am very lucky – I hhave three beautiful children!

Angry Husband: So, you’re 33.. and you have three kids?

Kelly Ripa: Yes.

Angry Husband: [ yells at Wife ] See, I told you! We only got two kids! Why can’t you.. look like that?!

Angry Wife: Don’t start with me, Terrell!

Angry Husband: She got three damn kids!!

Kelly Ripa: I’m sorry about that.. [ points ] Yes, you. Yes?

Ruth Weinstock: Yeah! I want to know.. why you let those children.. work.. in the sweatshops.. to make your lcothing line!

Kelly Ripa: No, no.. that’s not me. You’re thinking of.. P. Diddy.

Ruth Weinstock: No, actually, I’m thinking of Kathie Lee Gifford – the lady before you!

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. yes. Okay.

Ruth Weinstock: On “Regis & Kathie Lee!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah, I-I-I know.

Ruth Weinstock: I liked her.. bet-ter than you!

Kelly Ripa: Great. Thank.. thank you. [ looks to another audience member ] Yes! Hi! how are you?

Pervert: Hi. I’m a.. a big fan of your work. Even before “Regis & Kelly”.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. oh! On “All My Children”?

Pervert: No, on “Dance Party USA”.

Kelly Ripa: Ohh?

Pervert: You really were quite spectacular.

Kelly Ripa: Thank you. Yes, for those of you don’t know, “Dance Party USA” is kind of like an “American Bandstand”-type show that I was on when I was, like.. 14.

Pervert: I’ve enjoyed watching you blossom into womanhood.

Kelly Ripa: [ slightly disturbed ] Thank you..

Pervert: My favorite episode of “Dance Party USA” is Episode 514, where you slow dance with Matt Richinski to “Neverending Story” by Limahl.

Kelly Ripa: I, uh.. I don’t really remember that..

Pervert: I do.

Kelly Ripa: Do you have a question?

Pervert: Yes. Do you breastfeed your children?

Kelly Ripa: [ stunned ] Eugh! Get out of here! [ to Security ] Get him out of here!

[ Security escorts Pervert out of the studio ]

Kelly Ripa: Oh, my gosh!

Male Audience Member: Hi, Kelly? Hi! I’m a big fan of your new sitcom, “Hope & Faith”!

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Oh, wow, thank you!

Male Audience Member: Yeah, no, I was just kidding! Uh.. I haven’t seen it yet, but I am an aspiring actor, so I was hoping you could tell me, uh, you know, what I’m doing wrong, since I have zero jobs, and you have three.

Kelly Ripa: Oh.. well, sure.. first, you have to work really hard.. and then you –

Angry Husband: [ jumps up again ] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa! You got three jobs?!

Kelly Ripa: Sssssorta..

Angry Husband: And your husband got one job?!

Kelly Ripa: Yeah..

Angry Husband: Dammit, woman! [ smacks his wife with a newspaper ] I’m gonna leave you.. for her! That’s what I’m gonna do!!

Angry Wife: You want him? Take him! I hope you like credit card debt!

[ the Regis fans re-enter and return to their seats ]

Regis Fan: Kelly..? We came back..

Kelly Ripa: [ excited ] Ohhhhh! Great!

Regis Fan: Yeah.. it felt, you know, it felt rude to leave, and, you know what? We don’t need to see Regis – you’re the best!

Kelly Ripa: You missed your bus, huh?

Regis Fan: Yeah.

Kelly Ripa: I thought that.. but don’t worry about a thing, because we’ve got a great show for you tonight! Outkast is here! You stick around, we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Alec Baldwin: 11/15/03: Breast Augmentation

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 6

03f: Alec Baldwin / Missy Elliot

Breast Augmentation

Dr. Landsman…..Alec Baldwin
Miss Brennan…..Amy Poehler

[ open on interior, Dr. Landsman’s office ]

Dr. Landsman: Uh.. Miss Brennan?

Miss Brennan: Yes. Hi.

Dr. Landsman: I’m sorry to keep you waiting. I’m Dr. Landsman. Uhhh.. so, I suppose you’re here to, uh.. have some liposuction?

Miss Brennan: ..No.

Dr. Landsman: Oh! I-I’m sorry, I.. got a little ahead of myself. Won’t you sit down, please?

Miss Brennan: Oh. Okay. [ sits ] Um.. yeah..

Dr. Landsman: What can I help you with?

Miss Brennan: I’m thinking of getting a breast augmentation..

Dr. Landsman: Okay, would you stand up just for one second?

Miss Brennan: Okay. [ stands ]

Dr. Landsman: Okay. [ touches breasts ] How, uh.. how tall are you?

Miss Brennan: Uh.. I’m 5’2″. And, as you can tell, I’m an A cup, but I’d like to just go to a full B.

Dr. Landsman: Oh. I think you’ll probably want D cups.

Miss Brennan: Really? That seems too big for me..

Dr. Landsman: No, really. Trust me on this. If hyou get a B cup, you’ll just be back hee in six weeks wanting something bigger.

Miss Brennan: I-I don’t think I will – I just want it to look natural.

Dr. Landsman: [ insistent ] Of course, they’ll look natural! They’ll look more natural than what you have now! You see, beauty is about proportion. You’re very, very bottom-heavy. So, you’re going to want something to balance that out with, something like the Double D implants.

Miss Brennan: I don’t think I’m so bottom-heavy..

Dr. Landsman: Oh, you’re very bottom-heavy.

Miss Brennan: I just don’t know if I want to go that big.

Dr. Landsman: Well, let me just show you what I’m talking about. Here’s a picture of you in your bra. [ hits button on remote control, as picture of Miss Brennan in her bra appears on his computer screen ]

Miss Brennan: [ shocked ] How did you get that?!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, I’m a doctor. Now, through computer-imaging, I can show you what you would look like. [ clicks button,

Miss Brennan: What?! No! You know what, that’s much too much! I do not want giant stripper breasts!

Dr. Landsman: Miss Brennan, trust me – I have a tremendous amount of experience in this area. I shouldn’t say this, but, uh.. do you know Catherine Bell from “JAG”?

Miss Brennan: No.

Dr. Landsman: Damn! I really wanted to meet her.

Miss Brennan: What does that mean? I just don’t think that I want Double D breasts.

Dr. Landsman: Well, maybe it’s not about what you want, Miss Brennan. Maybe it’s about what society wants. And society wants you to do something to balance out that ginormous rump of yours.

Miss Brennan: What?!! That is it! That is just insulting! I am only going to stay here for a few more jokes!

Dr. Landsman: Please. Miss Brennan, calm down. Who’s the expert here?

Miss Brennan: You are.

Dr. Landsman: Who referred you to me?

Miss Brennan: I saw your ad on a bus.

Dr. Landsman: So, there you go! Let me show you the implants themselves, and you can choose. This is the teardrop Size B implant.. [ holds up normal-sized implant ]

Miss Brennan: [ touches the implant ] Hey, this is exactly what I’m looking for!

Dr. Landsman: And here’s the one I’m recommending for you. [ holds up a beach ball ]

Miss Brennan: Those are toys!

Dr. Landsman: [ smiling ] They certainly are!

Miss Brennan: This is ridiculous! I’m only standing here for one more joke, and that’s it!

Dr. Landsman: Alright.. alright. Then, how about this: we don’t use any implants, and we just take your existing breasts and mash them together and make one good one.

Miss Brennan: What?! how dare you?!

Dr. Landsman: Alright, fine.. have it your way. We’ll just go with the, uh.. teardrop-shaped size of the implants.

Miss Brennan: Thank you. You’re a very good doctor, and I’m looking forward to your performing surgery on me.

Dr. Landsman: Thank you, Miss Brennan. I’ll see you soon.

[ Miss Brennan exits ] [ phone rings ]

Dr. Landsman: Hello? Hey, what’s up! Are you kidding, it’s going great! I can’t believe I get paid to play with hooters all day! Alright, tell Mom I’ll be home at six.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts