SNL Transcripts: Halle Berry: 10/18/03: Speedreader

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 3

03c: Halle Berry / Britney Spears


Speedreader…..Will Forte
Jasmine…..Halle Berry

[ Jasmine, an attractive woman, sits at a bar ] [ scruffy-looking guy enters scene, slams a book on the bar counter, then takes a seat next to Jasmine. He opens his book and quickly flips through the pages in fan motion. ]

Speedreader: I just read fifty pages.

Jasmine: Good for you.

Speedreader: [ cocky ] Great.. for me!

Jasmine: [ not interested ] Yeah.. whatever.

Speedreader: [ leans in to sniff Jasmine’s hair ] Mmm.. you smell delicious.

Jasmine: Get lost!

Speedreader: [ more cocky ] Find me!

Jasmine: [ acknowledging an offscreen bartender ] Uh.. I’d like to close my tab please. Thank you.

Speedreader: So, uh.. have you ever been with a speedreader?

Jasmine: What?

Speedreader: I mean, have you ever.. been.. with.. a speedreader?

Jasmine: Look, I don’t know who you think you are —

Speedreader: [ with great intensity ] I’m a man who can read 100 pages in the blink of an eye! A man who can ingest the written word with the force and fury of thunder!! Now would you like to be with me.. in a sex-u-al way. [ a pause ] I’ll give you a little time to think about it, while I finish off this book about Humphrey Bogart. [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the book on the counter ] Done! So.. what’s it gonna be.. [ in Bogey fashion ] ..schweetheart?

Jasmine: Did you really just read that whole thing?

Speedreader: Frig, yeah!

Jasmine: Wow.. I mean, that’s pretty amazing. But it doesn’t change anything. I’m still gonna get my bill and go.

Speedreader: That’s what you, uh.. wanna do. Don’t mind me. [ grabs book from below counter ] I’ll just be sitting here, uh.. reading the bible.

Jasmine: Yeah, you do that.

Speedreader: Yeah, I will! [ quickly flips through the pages and slams the bible on the counter ] Done! Poooor Jesus.

Jasmine: You know what? I really didn’t come here to meet anybody tonight.

Speedreader: Hey, don’t make up your mind right away – take your time. You know.. I’ve got a big dic.. [ reaches behind counter to pull up a thicker book ] ..tionary. That I can, uh.. read while I’m waiting. [ quickly flips trough the pages and slams the dictionary on the counter ] Done! “Adjective; of or pertaining to completion!

Jasmine: Alright. Let’s go to my place.

Speedreader: [ chuckles ] You know, if.. lovemaking has a name, it may very well be my name.

Jasmine: And your name is?

Speedreader: Gary And your name is Jasmine! I read it on your driver’s license earlier, and I read it fast!

Jasmine: [ sultry ] Enough with the talk, let’s do this thing!

Speedreader: [ inches closer to Jasmine, eye-to-eye ] Ohhh, we just did – twice! Yeah, I am that fast! And, don’t worry, it was good for me, too. Good night, my lady!

[ Speedreader makes his trimuphant exit, leaving Jasmine dumbfounded by the turn of events ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Andy Roddick: 11/08/03: 20/20

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 29: Episode 5

03e: Andy Roddick / Dave Matthews


Barbara Walters…..Rachel Dratch
Martha Stewart…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: We now return to “20/20” – Barbara Walters’ exclusive interview with Martha Stewart.

[ dissolve to Barbara Walters interviewing Martha Stewart ]

Barbara Walters: Martha, why do you think everyone hates you?

Martha Stewart: I don’t think people hate me. They may envy my lifestyle..

Barbara Walters: Oh no, no, Martha.. [ in a whisper ] People hate you!

Martha Stewart: I think the people you think hate me don’t actually know me. They have —

Barbara Walters: [ interrupting ] Ohhhhh, they know you – and they hate you! I’m not just talking about your employees, either. Your mother.. your daughter.. the paperboy.. that cameraman over there. [ points to Martha’s cameraman ]

Martha Stewart: [ looks directly into the camera ] Do you hate me? [ camera nods “Yes” ]

Barbara Walters: Everyone says you are a real.. “piece of work!”

Martha Stewart: Well, Barbara.. calling someone a “piece of work” is different from hating them.

Barbara Walters: Hmmm.. I was paraphrasing, Martha. The people we spoke to did use the word “Hate”! As well as the words “She-Devil”, “Control Freak”, “Screw”, “Fiend”, “Harpee”, and “Darth Vadar With Highlights.” One person went so far as to call you a real “C U Next Tuesday.”

Martha Stewart: [ confused ] I.. I don’t know what that expression means..

Barbara Walters: It’s not good. Believe me! They also called you “Demon Spawn”, “Bee-otch”, “Castrating Whoreball”, “Conniving Monster”, “A greedy old hag”, “A heartless egomaniac”, “an ass ache”, and one person called you a “Full-Blown Loonie Bird!”

Martha Stewart: Barbara, if I were a man.. people would be applauding my behavior, not trying to put me in jail.

Barbara Walters: If you were a man.. I’d be all over you like butter on beans! But you are not a man! You are a woman. And a hateful one at that. Described by some as: “A tyrannical bully”.. “A Poor Man’s Eva Braun”.. “A N utcracker”.. “A Nutbuster“.. “A Screaming Banshee”.. “The Blonde Medusa”.. and, in an open letter from your shareholders in the Wall Street Journal —

Martha Stewart: Please don’t read that, Martha. I’m crying now. You’re making me cry.

Barbara Walters: [ ignoring Martha ] They call you, possibly the most hateful expletive I’ve ever seen.. in print.

Martha Stewart: Barbara, I’m weeping right now. I’m weeping, you’re making me cry.. I’m very, very emotional.

Barbara Walters: They say: “We wish Martha Stewart would jump off her own “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

SNL Transcripts