SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: System of a Down performs “Aerials”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

System of a Down performs “Aerials”

…..Paula Abdul
…..System of a Down

Paula Abdul: Once again – System of a Down.

System of a Down:
“Life is a waterfall
We’re one in the river
And one again after the fall
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.

Life is a waterfall
We drink from the river
Then we turn around and put up our walls
Swimming through the void
We hear the word
We lose ourselves
But we find it all.

‘Cause we are the ones that want to play
Always want to go
But you never want to stay
And we are the ones that want to choose
Always want to play
But you never want to lose.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life.
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.

Aerials, in the sky
When you lose small mind
You free your life
Aerials, so up high
When you free your eyes eternal prize.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Steven Ainsley…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, there was panic in the nation’s capital Wednesday when a Cessnaairplane drifted into the “No-Fly Zone,” where it was intercepted by two F-16s and a Black Hawk helicopter. Man, they are really running out of ideas for “Fear Factor.”

Amy Poehler: It was announced Thursday that the Army will nowallow recruits to sign up for just fifteen months of active duty. Ifthat doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq “Super Cancun”!

The Army said Tuesday that Halliburton has been awarded 72 milliondollars in performance bonuses for its work in Iraq. Halliburtonresponded to the news saying, “Hungry…Halliburton still hungry!”

Tina Fey: A judge in Hawaii has evicted a woman who was living in a lava tube in a natural park. Man, she really does not want to marry that dude. [picture of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Applause. Tina imitates Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare]

Amy Poehler: John Bolton’s U.N. nomination hit another snag thisweek when it went to the Senate without a recommendation from theForeign Relations Committee. The Committee was hesitant to support himbecause of allegations that Bolton has a history of abusingsubordinates. Here to defend Bolton is his longtime assistant, StevenAinsley.

[pan to Steven, who has a small bandage on his forehead; applause]

Steven Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

There have been a lot of vicious rumors swirling about John Bolton,about how John Bolton bullies subordinates, and how John Bolton screamsat people. Well, I don’t know that John Bolton. [lifts his left hand,showing that it is completely bandaged as well]

Amy Poehler: What happened to your head—

Steven Ainsley: I walked into a door.

Amy Poehler: And your wrist—

Steven Ainsley: Also a door, a revolving door, so it got me twice.

Amy Poehler: OK, Steven, OK—[reaches to pat him on the shoulder,but he nervously backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: No, just caught me off guard, oh boy. My fault,my fault.

Amy Poehler: So you’ve never seen John Bolton lose his temper?

Steven Ainsley: Look, John Bolton has an incredibly stressfuljob, people don’t understand that. I mean, I work with him andsometimes I don’t understand it. So if somebody forgets that John likes Equal instead of Sweet’N Low, what recourse does John have but to throw hot coffee in their face?

Amy Poehler: Well, that seems really harsh—

Steven Ainsley: It’s not! I have to learn. John is- John is so incredible.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, he doesn’t sound incredible.

Steven Ainsley: Well, you don’t know him like I do! I mean, he’s a sweetheart. Here is a funny story. One time I brought him the wrong kind of mustache wax, and he kicked me down a flight of stairs. Ha ha ha!

Amy Poehler: That’s not a funny story.

Steven Ainsley: It’s funny when he tells it. Oh, I probably told it wrong. Oh, I hope I didn’t tell it wrong!

Amy Poehler: No, you know what, you- you told it fine! [reachesto pat him on the shoulder once again, but John backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: In conclusion, I would just like to say: John, if you’re watching—

Amy Poehler: You know, I don’t think he’s watching.

Steven Ainsley: Oh, he’s not? Amy, help me. Help me,Amy. I can tell you’re a good person who knows what it’s like to bearound a mean, abusive bully.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean?

Tina Fey: What are you two yapping about? [cuts an apple and eats it off of a large knife]

Steven Ainsley: Nothing!

Amy Poehler: [suddenly nervous as well] Nothing.

Tina Fey: [looking offstage] Oh, wrap it up. I’m trying to watch the game over here.

[Amy and Steven lean in towards each other and whisper cries of help toeach other. Eventually, Seth breaks character. Some applause]

Steven Ainsley: Well, I think I’ve made my point. The U.N. would be lucky to have John Bolton. And Amy, this is a bus ticket, and the name of a shelter in Ohio! See you there?

Amy Poehler: [taking Steven’s papers and hiding them underneathhers] OK, thank you. Steve Ainsley, everybody. [cheers and applause asSteven darts offstage]

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom“Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored bythe show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

Amy Poehler: [picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of theRolling Stones] This week, the California Raisins announced plans for anew world tour. [applause]

Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years, she’s beensuffering from the obscure disease Complex Regional Pain Syndrome,though many know it by its more common name, the crazies.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto,Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto thecountry’s busiest highway.

Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, [singing] party on thehighway!

Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beerspilled all over the road—

Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?

Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottlesbroken, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!

Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.

Amy Poehler: Party highway!

Tina Fey: It’s not a party!

Amy Poehler: [pauses] If you come, it’s a party!

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that Isuck beer out of dirt with you. [some applause]

Despite consumers saying they want healthier options at fast foodrestaurants, the most popular items on the menus are the newhigh-calorie, high-fat items, like Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger, Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and Wendy’s Diabetes Explosion.[applause] I kinda want that. I kinda wanna eat it.

Amy Poehler: Yum!

Tina Fey: A small town in Brazil declared this past Monday Orgasm Day. [some cheering] I think, uh, that came early this year.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Did you, uh, did you celebrate Orgasm Day?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I pretended to.

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100”list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner andLindsay Lohan, while I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and JoyBehar. [applause] Thanks.

Amy Poehler: U.S. lawmakers in Wednesday subpoenaed manufacturers of The Whizzinator to investigate the legality of the device that is a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine. Or in my case, Chardonnay.

That’s how I do it!

Tina Fey: So you suck beer out of dirt… and you drink wine out of a penis.

Amy Poehler: And I use a fake penis to drink my Chardonnay, right.

Tina Fey: Things are- things are going really well for you.

Amy Poehler: Going great! [applause]

Tina Fey: A new chili sauce called 16 Million Reserve is hittingthe market this week, and it is thirty times more potent than thespiciest pepper, and eight thousand times fierier than Tabasco, thoughstill not as spicy as Pat O’ Brien’s new I’m So F-ing Hot For You HotSauce. [applause; Tina impersonates Pat O’ Brien] The only hot saucethat wants to go crazy on you! Let’s get a grill and some Cokes andjust go crazy! I’m gonna eat your sandwich!

Amy Poehler: Nick Nolte said that despite being invited to theWhite House by numerous presidents, he would not go, because he is afelon, and the President should not be with criminals. He added, “Plus, I’ve never been invited to the White House.”

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelvepenguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by aninfected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy arm wrestle; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Action News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Action News

Hunt Linear…..Johnny Knoxville
Jennifer Tuttle…..Amy Poehler
Gifford McGill…..Will Forte
Albert Jarmon…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Courtney Phelps…..Maya Rufolph
Stuart Tisdale…..Fred Armisen
Craig Balderston…..Kenan Thompson
Evan Martin…..Darrell Hammond
Anne Hasenzahl…..Rachel Dratch
Ernesto Diaz…..Horatio Sanz
Deborah Shea…..Tina Fey
Gary Stevens…..Seth Meyers
Elliot Winslow…..Finesse Mitchell
Jim Sizemore…..Chris Parnell
Andrew Donnely…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Hunt and Jennifer sitting at the news desk ]

Announcer: And now – Action News. With Hunt Linear and Jennifer Tuttle. And the award-winning Action News team.

[ cut to Gifford McGill, pounding his fist into a basebal mitt as he turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: Gifford McGill, with Sports.

[ cut to Albert Jarmon, holding aclosed umbrella and smiling to the camera as he pretends to hold his hand out to check for rain ]

Announcer: Albert Jarmon, with the weather.

[ cut to Dr. Courtney Phelps, clinging onto her stethoscope as she turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: And Dr. Courtney Phelps, with the health watch.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer shuffling their papers at the news desk ]

Announcer: And..

[ cut to Stuart Tisdale munching on a bag of popcorn ]

Announcer: A movie review, from Stuart Tisdale.

[ cut to Craig Balderston crunching numbers on an adding machine ]

Announcer: Craig Balderston, the Market Watch.

[ cut to Evan Martin repairing the back of a giant robot and smiling for the camera ]

Announcer: Evan Martin’s Technology Report.

[ cut to Anne Hasenzahl holding up a dress and grinning at the camera ]

Announcer: Anne Hasenzahl, with the “Fashion Forecast.”

[ cut to sunglasses-clad Ernesto Diaz, who turns to smile at the camera and wave a Puerto Rican flag ]

Announcer: Ernesto Diaz, with a Puerto Rican round-up.

[ cut to Deborah Shea, holding up a lit birthday cake as she smiles at the camera ]

Announcer: Deborah Shea, with celebrity birthdays.

[ cut to Gary Stevens, holding a monkey against his chest and a parakeet cage in his left hand ]

Announcer: Gary Stevens, with parakeets and monkeys.

[ cut to Elliot Winslow, displaying a tray of gourmet food ]

Announcer: Elliot Winslow, the Budget Gourmet.

[ cut to demented-looking Jim Sizemore, holding a can of gasoline in one hand and a burnt clock in the other hand ]

Announcer: Jim Sizemore, with I’m Going to Burn Down A Clock Factory.

[ cut to bow tie-clad c, looking smart and stately as he glances at thecamera ]

Announcer: And Andrew Donnely, with a Washington Report.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer at the news desk ]

Hunt Linear: Good evening. I’m Hunt Linear. Tonight’s top story: a three-alarm fire rages through the Oakwood Street clock factory. This is the fourth clock factory that’s burned down this month, and police say they’re finally closing in on the arsonist. I say.. it’s about time! [ chuckles profusely ] [ Jennifer Tuttle laughs along with Hunt Linear ] [ Gifford McGill also laughs ] [ Albert Jarmon also laughs ]

Dr. Courtney Phelps: [ wiping back a tear ] Good one!

[ Stuart Tisdale claps his hands as he laughs ] [ Craig Balderston pounds the desk as he laughs ] “It’s about time!”

[ Evan Martin taps his wrench to his forehead as he chuckles ] [ Anne Hasenzahl makes a delayed laugh ] [ Ernesto Diaz still waving his flag ] Ha ha ha! That’s funny!

[ Deborah Shea makes a loud, monkey-like laugh ] [ Gary Stevens laughs as he looks up and down at his monkey ] [ Elliot Winslow snorts as he laughs ] [ Jim Sizemore laughs maniacally as he sits in front of “I’m Going To Burn Down A Clock Factory” graphic ] [ Andrew Donnely purses his lips in fear as he realizes Jim Sizemore is obviously the perpetrator, but gives in and laughs politely anyway ]

Hunt Linear: Oh my! We have to break for a commercial.

Jennifer Tuttle: Yes.

Hunt Linear: But, when we return, a live report from the burning clock factory from our Action News field team ] [ each team member graphic slides onto the screen, overlapping one another ]

Announcer: Phyllis Stevenson and Arnie Subolski. And Randall Trent. And Alice Kendricks. And Melissa Boone. And Davis Chapnow. And Frankie Rodriguez. And Alexander Cantrell. And..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan



HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.



Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.


WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.


New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.


The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.


Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).


Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Domino’s Pizza Promo

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Domino’s Pizza Promo

Voice of Director…..Seth Meyers
Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond

Director: Okay, Mr. Trump, I just need you to stand on your mark.

(Donald Trump enters, dressed as a slice of pizza)

Trump: Okay. We really have to crank this thing out Speedy Gonzalez style because tonight Melana and I are going to be photographed semi-nude in a bubble bath for Women’s World Magazine.

Director: That’s great, Mr. Trump. Now this is gonna be the tag for the end of your new Domino’s commercial.

Trump: The minute I mentioned cheeseburger pizza on The Apprentice, sales went through the roof. I’m talking millions and millions of dollars. Personally, I think it’s the highest quality of the low-quality pizzas.

Director: Alright. So, uh, let’s try shooting this.

Trump: I’d rather just try shooting this.

Director: Fair enough. And…action!

Trump: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, say cheese…burger pizza, only from Dominio’s.

Director: And cut. That was really good Mr. Trump. Except this time instead of Dominio’s, maybe say Domino’s, you know, like the game.

Trump: I’ll do that for you and that way you’ll have some choices to futz with in the tech booth.

Director: Thanks for that. Okay, so let’s just pick it up at, uh, at “Say Cheese”. And…action!

Trump: Say cheese…burger pizza only from Dominios, like the game.

Director: Cut. Okay that was great, except for-

Trump: That was great. Keep rolling because I’m gonna wing one now right off the cuff, Robin Williams style. And…action. Geez Louise, I’m hungry. Hey wait – I’m a slice of cheeseburger pizza from Dominios, like the game. (Laughter. Pause.) Do do do doodoo, Dominios. The Apprentice.

Director: What? Cut, cut. Just cut.

Trump: Keep it rolling, I’m on a roll. And…action. And…knock knock. Who’s there? Cheeseburger pizza who? Dominicos, that’s who’s there. Well come on in to my belly. Okay that sounds delicious. It sure does. And…freeze. (Trump freezes)

Director: Mr. Trump? Um, Mr…Mr. Trump?

Trump: And…unfreeze. I think we got it. This commercial is going to win a slew of Emmy’s.

Director: Yeah, okay, we don’t quite have it yet. Let’s just get this last bit where you say “Holy cow, I’m hungry for a cheesy crust pizza!” And…action!

Trump: Cheezus Crust, I’m hungry!

Director: And, cut. Great, I think we’re good now. Happy?

Trump: I think we’re good. I really cranked this one out in record time. And as I predicted, it turned out pretty top notch.

Director: Yeah.

Trump: Now, I’m off to a promo shoot. But first I’m gonna get one of those spray on tans. And Derek Jeter’s gonna be there…


Submitted by: Chad Perman

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Bear City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Bear City

Announcer…..Fred Willard

[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]

Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.

[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]

Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ] [ dissolve up “Bear City” title card ]

“Bear City
Bear, Bear City.”

[ show bears as they now exist on earth – bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]

Announcer: Although they couldn’t talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.

[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ] [ SUPER: “Rex Banter” over boy, “Cynthia Davis” over girl ]

Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.

[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ] [ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Mom’s Going Shopping.”

[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear’s shopping list: “Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey.” ] [ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled “Honey Lappers” into the VCR. ] [ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ] [ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear’s shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ] [ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]

Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
…..Will Forte
…..Patti Forte
Ritchie B…..Fred Armisen
Marcus…..Kenan Thompson

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Tina Fey: Hi, I’m Tina Fey.

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler, and here are tonight’s top stories:

This week, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was reelected to arecord-setting third term as George Bush’s bitch.

Tina Fey: Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her owndisappearance four days before her wedding, says she still intends tomarry her fiancée, and that she “cannot wait to be called ‘Mrs. JohnMason,’” as in “Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about yourhusband’s murder.” [imitating Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare] That ladylooks like me.

Britney Spears’ and Kevin Federline’s new reality series will be called“Britney and Kevin: Chaotic,” because somebody already used “BeverlyHillbillies.” [applause]

Amy Poehler: Us Weekly is reporting that Britney Spears’child will be a boy, or as Kevin Federline calls it, “a boiiiieeeeee!!”

Tina Fey: Now here with a special commentary on Mother’s Day ismy second-favorite cast member, Will Forte!

[pan to Will; applause]

Will Forte: Thank you, Tina! Thank you. [clears his throat] Asyou all know, Mother’s Day is tomorrow, and we here at “Saturday NightLive” would like to wish mothers everywhere a wonderful day. And on amore personal note, there’s someone very special to me that I’d like towish a happy Mother’s Day, and she happens to be with us tonight, so ifyou don’t mind, I’d like to bring her out. [looks to his right] Mom?

[Mrs. Patti Forte enters to cheers and applause. She waves to Amy andTina. Will puts his arm around her shoulder]

Amy Poehler: Hi, Mrs. Forte!

Tina Fey: Good to see you!

Will Forte: Mom, uh, you know, in life they say you can’t pickyour mother, but if I could pick my mother, I would definitely pick you.

Patti Forte: Oh, thank you! [“aww”s from the audience]

Will Forte: And I- I wrote you a special Mother’s Day song. Sojust sit back, relax, and allow me to- to honor the best mother in theentire world. [piano intro begins]

Mom, you are a truly special lady.
You’re the best mother a mother could be.
You’re smart, you’re pretty, you’re an absolute joy,
And I’m really gonna miss you, when you’re dead.

[Patti gives Will a puzzled look]

Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
We’ve had such a wonderful life together.
And when that grim reaper comes to take you away,
There will be nothing I can do, to stop him.

I will cry an endless stream of tears over your coffin,
Which will be the cheapest coffin money can buy—

[aside] ‘Cause you’re not materialistic, and that’s what I love about you—

And when we cover you in dirt, never to return,
I will think fondly as we’re selling your crap.

[Patti is clearly confused at this point]

Oh Mom, I’m gonna miss you when you’re dead.
You were one hell of a chick to grow inside of!
I wish I had told you that I loved you before you died,
But I guess I’ll never have that chance.

Happy Mother’s Day!

Patti Forte: [still bewildered] Thanks.

Tina Fey: Will and Patti Forte, everybody! [Will and Patti hug to cheers and applause] Will and Patti Forte.

Amy Poehler: In order to help police manage aggressive begging in Minneapolis, officials are attempting to license panhandlers in thecity, although anyone who has it together enough to get a panhandling license, should probably just get a job.

Tina Fey: California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s popularityhas been slipping in recent months, as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor.

Amy Poehler: It was reported that while vacationing together inKenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while makinglove, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like awounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, you’re betterthan every woman at everything! You’re prettier, you’re sexier,you’re covered in exotic tattoos.

But let me tell you something, Jolie: I will find your weakness, OK? And when I do, I’m gonna climb up those legs of yours, and I’m gonnaslap that queen-size futon you call a mouth. [cheers and applause] Letme ask you this, Jolie: Did you ever win Burlington, Massachusetts’Babysitter of the Month? What’s that? No? ‘Cause I did, socall me when you do, hotshot! Back to you, Tina. [more applause]

Tina Fey: Uh, this just in: Angelina Jolie has been namedBurlington, Massachusetts’ Babysitter of the Month. [applause]

Amy Poehler: Dammit!

Tina Fey: Last week, “Insider” host Pat O’ Brien took part in aprimetime interview on CBS with Dr. Phil, to discuss his recent stay inrehab for drug and alcohol problems. The program was later rebroadcaston FOX as “The World’s Most Dangerous Moustaches.”

Amy Poehler: In a show of support on Wednesday night’s program,five “American Idol” finalists presented Paula Abdul with two hugebouquets of flowers. And it worked: she slept with all of them!

Tina Fey: New images taken of an object five times the mass ofJupiter confirmed that it is a giant planet closely orbiting a distantstar, and not, as I first reported, yo’ mama. I apologize.

Amy Poehler: Here with his humorous take on the world is a manwho as is funny as he is in- inspiring. Please join me in welcomingdeaf comedian Ritchie B, and his interpreter, Marcus.

[pan to Ritchie B and Marcus. Applause. Ritchie begins to sign]

Marcus: [watching Ritchie B] Uh, what’s up, New York, let’s hearyou make some noise!

[cheers and applause]

Oh, come on, you’ve got to do better than that, I’m deaf! [Moreapplause. Marcus speaks to Ritchie B] Good job, man! Really good job,you’re doing great.

[Ritchie B beams. After a moment, he starts signing again]

So my girlfriend just broke up with me. She said I wasn’t listening toher needs. I said, “How can I? I’m deaf!” [Less reaction fromaudience. Marcus indicates that the joke didn’t go so well. Ritchie Bsigns again]

What’s in the news? Hmm… I see that the crime rate is going up. Youknow how to stop black people from doing crime? [Ritchie B continues tosign] …Throw them a basketball.

[Marcus gives Ritchie B a disappointed look] Hey, hey Ritchie. That’snot cool. Not cool. [Ritchie B signs again] What else? Uh, did youhear that Chanel just came out with a new fragrance for black people?

[After a few seconds of excited grinning, Ritchie B starts to mimiceating a watermelon. Applause. Marcus taps Ritchie B on the shoulder] Hey! No way, I’m not saying that! That’s terrible! Now do one morejoke, and then we’ll go.

[Ritchie B signs] Why do black people love— [Ritchie B is clearlymimicking a black person. Marcus gives up] Alright, you know what? I’m not gonna say this one, but I do have a joke for you: Ritchie B’sjohnson is so small, technically it’s a third nipple. [to Ritchie B] Great job! They love you, man. Give it up, Ritchie B!

Amy Poehler: Ritchie B and Marcus, everybody! [Cheers andapplause. Ritchie B mouths “Thank you”]

Tina Fey: The man who inspired Seinfeld’s Soup Nazicharacter is looking to open a thousand soup franchises nationwide. Way to strike while the iron is hot, dude!

Amy Poehler: A school superintendent in Michigan banned theMcCord Middle School Band from performing the song “Louie, Louie,”because of its allegedly raunchy lyrics. The superintendent has alsobanned the clarinet, because it just don’t look right.

Nike announced that it will no longer sell its sneakers and othermerchandise at Sears. Fortunately, Sears will continue to carry all the other tope brands, like Apidas, Reebork, BlueBalance, and of course, Bobos.

[Piano intro starts as Tina and Amy get up to sing and dance. Amyclimbs on top of her chair]

Tina, Amy: Bobos—they make your feet feel fine!
Bobos—they cost a dollar ninety-nine!
Bobos—they’re made by hobos!
So get your hobos their Bobos, todayyyy!

[cheers and applause; Tina and Amy return to their seats]

Tina Fey: A student at MIT is planning to host a time-travelerparty on campus, and is hoping that people from the future will travelback for the event. Unfortunately, people in the future already knowthat the party sucked. [some applause]

Amy Poehler: An anti-wrinkle facial moisturizer that is made outof semen, is being produced in Mexico. [chuckles] Mexico, huh? God only knows what’s in it! …Oh right, semen.

The moisturizer will be used to make more moisturizer. [Delayed reaction from audience]

Tina Fey: Remember, uh, tomorrow is—

Amy Poehler: They’re getting it!

Tina Fey: It’s a thinker.

Remember, tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to TiVo the rest ofthe show while you go online and look for crappy flowers.

And, uh, finally tonight, on a serious note, “Weekend Update” foundingeditor Herb Sargent passed away this week. Uh, here he is with ChevyChase, back in the day. [photo of Herb on the original “Update” set]

Amy Poehler: All of us, we’ll miss you very much, Herb.

Tina Fey: We wouldn’t be here without you.

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy turn to converse with each other; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Goodnights

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay


…..Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you to Coldplay, Lorne Michaels, cast. Everyone for letting me host the season finale. God bless.

[ Horatio Sanz goofily holds up a sign that reads: “Good Luck P P”, as staff writer Paula Pell waves goodbye and is hugged by various cast members ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 14th, 2005

Will Ferrell

Queens of the Stone Age


Lorne Michaels

Steve Higgins
Will’s ThoughtsSummary: Back to host at last, Will Ferrell feels awkward walking among the people he once worked with and tries to put on a happy face.



Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell admits he’s nervous about hosting, then sings “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever”, makes odd banter with an audience member (Steve Higgins), and finally pees his pants.


Celebritiy JeopardySummary: Alex Trebek (Will Ferrell) contends with more celebrity hijinks from Sean Connery (Darrell Hammond), Sharon Osbourne (Amy Poehler) and Bill Cosby (Kenan Thompson).

Recurring Characters: Alex Trebek, Bill Cosby, Sharon Osbourne, Sean Connery.


Oracle Conclave 2005Summary: Executive James Filau (Will Ferrell) suffers gaffes and mishaps during this year’s Oracle Conclave.


Para Tri-CyclenSummary: The perfect birth control pill for the excessively sexually-active woman (Amy Poehler) on the run.

Artsy ApartmentSummary: Troubled by the leak coming from above their basement apartment, tenants Greg (Seth Meyers) and Susan (Rachel Dratch) meet their strange upstairs neighbors Nuni (Fred Armisen), Nuni (Maya Rudolph) and their son Nuni (Will Ferrell).

Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.

Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”Bio: members: Josh Homme, Joey Castillo, Alain Johannes, Van Leeuwan, Mark Lanegan. Homme was a former member of stoner rock group, Kyuss, which reformed as the original incarnation of Queens of the Stone Age.

Note: Will Ferrell reprises his one-time role as Gene Frenkle, who joins Queens of the Stone Age on cowbell.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: U.N. nominee John Bolton’s assistant, Steven Ainsley (Seth Meyers), defends his boss’ temper while secretly fearing for his life.


Grind!Summary: When a college student (Will Ferrell) decides to quit his studies to work full-time as a waiter, Dr. Roberts (Will Forte) decides to show him what discipline and hard work is all about by making him grind pepper non-stop over his dinner salad.


TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel parodies “Shazzan”, another old cartoon from the Hanna-Barbara series. After rescuing the Flaming Ruby of Taruba, Shazzang goes overboard destroying the Arabian enemy, even beyond the point of death, and ultimately disturbing the children who held his power in awe.


Goulet Ring TonesSummary: Robert Goulet (Will Ferrell) finds a new niche for his singing talents, lending his voice to cell phone ring tones.

Recurring Characters: Robert Goulet.

Going 2 C MoviesSummary: Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) team up to give movie reviews. Their friend Levi (Will Ferrell) stops by to give them leftover videotapes from the movie rental store he works at.

Recurring Characters: Terrye Funck, Vasquez.


Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”Lyrics

LuxurySummary: Eccentrically dressed in an eyepatch, a man claiming to be a Jaguar voiceover man and a spy for the Swiss government (Will Ferrell) hits on an exotic woman (Maya Rudolph) in a bar, presuming her to be his contact.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Love-ahsSummary: Professors Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia (Rachel Dratch) go camping in the wild with two of their students (Seth Meyers, Maya Rudolph) and only one tent and sleeping bag betwixt them.

Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin.

Variety VaultSummary: Another presentation of an unaired “Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Will Ferrell) Feel Good Variety Hour” from decades past.

Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.

Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.

Bear CitySummary: Bears ride in an elevator.

Haunted HouseSummary: Teenagers (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch, Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers) visit a haunted house just so they can mock the crappy belongings left behind by the geeky ghost (Will Ferrell) living there.

Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.

Marvin Linder, Attorney-at-LawSummary: Attorney Marvin Linder (Will Ferrell) specializes in defenses cases for people who find weird objects in their food.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Hardball

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay


Chris Matthews…..Darrell Hammond
Michael Isikoff…..Chris Parnell
Condoleeza Rice…..Maya Rudolph
Zell Miller…..Will Forte

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball”, I’m Chris Matthews! [ audience erupts into applause ] The war in Iraq gets stickier by the minute. The filibuster’s about to disappear faster than a box of donuts in Star Jones’ dressing room. Meanwhile, the only big-league political issue Americans seem to care about is which “American Idol” contestant is boning Paula Abdul! Lukily, there’s a whole new controversy brewing – this time, the news is the news. Monday, Newsweek magaine was forced to back off a story which asserted that U.S. forces dsecrated the Quran. Then, just yesterday, this photo is released: [ holds up front page of New York Post: “Butcher of Baghdad – Exclusive – Inside Saddam’s Prison Cell” headline with photo of Saddam Hussein in only his underwear ] No, that’s not the Arab Abercrombie & Finch catalog. It’s Saddam Hussein in his tightie-whities. Who’s controlling our foreign policy – the Bush administration, or the media? Here to talk about this controversy, is one of the journalists at the center of all this hullabaloo, Newsweek reporter Michael Isikoff.

Michael Isikoff: Glad to be here, Chris.

Chris Matthews: You might want to check your sources on that. Also with us, fresh off her trip to Iraw, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice.

Condoleeze Rice: Thank you, Chris. As always, the adminsitration welcomes the chance —

Chris Matthews: [ sternly ] And.. no! Mr. Isikoff, we’re gonna start with you. You’re a veteran reporter, you helped break the Abu Ghraib story, the Lewinsky scandal, Iran-Contra! What happened with the Quran story? Did you get your source out of Dan Rather’s rolodex? Are you just gonna print anyone tells you, or what?

Michael Isikoff: Chris, before we go to press, each story is put through a rigorous process of fact-checking to make ure it holds up. First, we ask the surce if he or she is lying. If the answer is “Yes,” we will not use that source. If the answer is “No,” we then ask them, “Are you sure?” If the answer to that question is “Yes,” we follow up with a very stern, “Promise?” Then, “You swear you’re not lying?” It’s a pretty air-tight process, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Why do I get the feeling it’s incredibly easy to prank call Newsweek magazine? Madame Secretary, the administration has chastized Newsweek for printing a story which relied on faulty information, now you claim you are investigating the Saddam cheesecake photos. I ask you, is the administration losing control faster than Billy Joel behind the wheel after a ten-martini linch?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, I think everyone would agree that, up until the media got involved, things were going pretty great in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Chris Matthews: Madame Secretary, that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard. But I want to see where this is going.

Condoleeze Rice: [ continues ] The media needs to be held responsible for the stories it reports. If not, this admistration is prepared to take action.

Chris Matthews: Okay, like what?

Condoleeze Rice: Well, there are a lot of options on the table. Our government might invade Newsweek mmagazine. Or we might start our own administration, and have picutres of journalists, suhc as you, Chris Matthews, in your underwear. [ holds up doctored photo of Chris Matthews’ head over Saddam Hussein’ssemi-nude body, with headline “Welcome To Lard Ball!” ] Lard Ball!

Chris Matthews: Good Lord. Joining us now to shout about God knows what, everyone’s favoite looney tune – former senator and current Fox News contributor, Zell Miller! Zell, whattaya got for us?

Zell Miller: [ his face turns more red with each word ] I’m sick of hearing about Newsweek magaine!! Let me tell you what we used to do when some yellow-bellied desk jockey wrote something we didn’t like!! We roundedup our boys, got ourselves some crow bars and shotguns and we’d head on down to the local pronting press to have ourseles a “ta-alk”! After we were done “talking”, we’d throw a couple of kerosene lamps through the window, and the problem’s solved!!

Chris Matthews: This is why I come into work every day, folks. Final thouhts, Michael Issikoff?

Michael Isikoff: [ covering the mouthpiece of the telephone he’s speaking into ] I’m afraid I don’t have the time, Chris. We just received an important lead. Apparently, Prince Albert is trapped in a can and must be let out. May God be with him.

Chris Matthews: [ holding a telephone to his ear ] You don’t say? Ha! [ hangs up the telephone ] Condoleeza Rice?

Condoleeze Rice: Chris, the freedom of the press is something the Bush administration loves about this county. Don’t make us take it away.

Chris Matthews: Zell Miller – go.

Zell Miller: Let me tell you, Matthews! This country’s got a real problem with the media, and you’re one of them! If you can’t control that dirty liberal thing you call a mouth, then maybe I’ll have to jump on my horse and come up north myself and put a sock in it!! Do you hear me, Chris Matthews?!! Do you hear me?!! [ now completely red in the face ]

Chris Matthews: When we return, Saddam in his speedo, Condi takes over Newsweek, Zell Miller explodes. But, until then, “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts