SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will Ferrell’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Will Ferrell!

[ the audience erupts into applause at the mere sight of Will Ferrell ]

Will Ferrell: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. This is, uh, this is fantastic. Yes. Look at this. I’m just so excited to be back here at “SNL.” Uh, as you know, I was a cast member for seven years, and uh.. [ audience applauds ] Which, of course, was a thrill. But to actually get to host. I mean.. it’s unbelievable. And, uh.. I have to be honest, I thought I was gonna be a little nervous. But I’m not – thanks to you guys. I feel relaxed, I feel great. It’s great to be back here in New York City. Uh-huh. [ audience cheers ] I gotta tell you, I love this town, I really do. Especially in the spring.

[ Will grabs a microphone, rotates his body once and begins to sing ]

“On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you’ll see who you are.”

[ Will alternately fumbles with both hands in his pocket, triggering the device that makes it look like he’s peeing his pants ]

“On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being
Outshines every star you feel part of.

Yes, every mountain, sea and shore
You can hear, from far and near
Words you never heard before.”

[ Will steps up to a man sitting in the audience ]

Will Ferrell: Heeeey! How are you? You from out of town?

Audience Member: I’m from New Jersey.

Will Ferrell: You know, was today not a gorgeous day, huh? What do you think the temperature was today?

Audience Member: I-I.. I don’t know, really.

Will Ferrell: Well, why don’t you take a guess, what do you think? What do you think?

Audience Member: I don’t know. 70?

Will Ferrell: Nope. Take another guess. I’ll give you a hint- it’s lower than 70.

Audience Member: 65?

Will Ferrell: Almost. You’re so close. You’re so close.

Audience Member: 66?

Will Ferrell: You went the wrong way, you went the wrong way! Go lower.

Audience Member: 64.

Will Ferrell: 64! You’re right! Good job! It felt like it, too, didn’t it? Ddin’t it?

Audience Member: Yes.

Will Ferrell: Beautiful, beautiful day. Is this your wife? [ points microphone at woman in next seat ]

Woman: No.

Will Ferrell: You’re not his wife? Well, you make a lovely couple, you really do. You really do.

[ Will returns to the main stage and continues to sing ]

Will Ferrell:
“On a clear day
On a clear day
You can see forever
And ever
And ever
And ev-er-moooooore.”

[ Will looks down at his wet pants ]

Will Ferrell: Whoops! I peed my pants!

Hey, we got a great show for you – Queens of the Stone Age are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: The Babysitter

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

The Babysitter

Cindy…..Lindsay Lohan
Mr. Voinic…..Chris Parnell
Franny Voinic…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of car, with Mr. Voinic driving and babysitter in the passenger seat]

Cindy: You know, you really don’t need to drive me home, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: [with very slight tipsiness] Nonsense, Cindy. It’s very late.

Cindy: Well, I walk home from the Wilsons all the time.

Mr. Voinic: Well, Art Wilson is a dirty son of a bitch. I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. I’ve had a few. I’m good to drive, but I’m drunk. [Cindy’s eyes widen slightly and she glances at him] Just kidding. No, I’m not. How were the kids?

Cindy: They were okay. Lucas didn’t want to go to bed, and kept waking the girls up.

Mr. Voinic: Hmmm, that sounds like Lucas. Those kids really like you. They hate their mother.

Cindy: Did you guys have fun tonight?

Mr. Voinic: Who, me and Franny? Ugh, we never have fun. It was our annivarsary dinner. I would much rather have been out at a rave. That would have been crunk.

Cindy: Crunk?

Mr. Voinic: Boy, I am stressed. So, you’re a senior now?

Cindy: [scoffs] Don’t I wish? I’m just a junior.

Mr. Voinic: Really? I was sure you were a senior. Just a junior, huh? How about that? How about that? That’s something.

Cindy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, next year, I’m be a senior. And then: goodbye, Saddlebrook, hello, cruise ship. That’s what I want to do–work on a cruise ship. But my parents think it’s stupid.

Mr. Voinic: A cruise ship?! That’s a very smart idea. I never knew that about you. You are a fascinating, wonderful, sexy person. I think your parents are stupid.

Cindy: Me and my girlfriends are going to get a job on cruise ships and save up money and then start our own magazine.

Mr. Voinic: And you’ll do it. You’ll start the magazine and voila! Would you like a Dubonnet? I’m having a Dubonnet.

Cindy: A what?

Mr. Voinic: A Dubonnet. It’s a dark red wine with a slight quinine taste, and I happen to have a bottle here under my seat.

Cindy: You know, you can’t drink and drive. [laughs nervously]

Mr. Voinic: [chuckles and produces the bottle] Cindy, you’ll find as you get older, certain laws are meant to be taken seriously and others are not. I’ve never felt the drinking and driving law made much sense. [proffers the bottle to Cindy]

Cindy: Oh, I’ll pass.

Mr. Voinic: [pulling it back] That’s the way to play it. You and me are a lot alike. A lot. A very lot.

[Cindy turns away from Mr. Voinic and puts on her seat belt, but continues to face away in mild mortification]

Mr. Voinic: [singing] I walk a lonely road, / The only road that I have ever know. / Don’t know where it goes, / but I walk that road all alone. [speaking] Sure do love that song. Coldplay.

Cindy: Green Day.

Mr. Voinic: Of course. What did I say? Coldplay? Ridiculous. I know Coldplay. [sings] Your body is a wonderland…

Cindy: [with some relief] Hey, look, there’s my house. Driveway.

Mr. Voinic: Ah, so it is. Hey, do you want to sit and talk?

Cindy: About what?

Mr. Voinic: Oh, I just really love to hear you talk about anything. I think you’re the smartest person I know.

Cindy: Your wife’s a surgeon.

Mr. Voinic: Franny is an idiot compared to you. You make her look like a real dum-dum.

Cindy: I should go inside.

Mr. Voinic: I guess you should know, I’m thinking about leaving Franny. I don’t know if that changes things.

Cindy: No, I still gotta go inside. I’ll catch you later, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, oh, let me get the door for you! [reaches across her to the opposite door]

Cindy: Oh, no, I can get it. It’s right here.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, um, let’s have a goodbye hug [slides his right arm behind her neck], okay, uh…

Cindy: [perturbed] What?

Mr. Voinic: So, uh, goodbye, uh, good work tonight. Good work. Good stuff.

Cindy: [grits teeth nervously] Yeah…

[Franny suddenly sits up in the back seat]

Mr. Voinic: Aaah! Franny! [springs back]

Cindy: Oh, God!

Franny: [accusatorily, to her husband] Having fun?!

Mr. Voinic: I’m giving her a goodbye hug.

Cindy: [quickly unbuckles her seat belt and opens the car door] See ya! [waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the car]

Mr. Voinic: It’s very innocent! Uh…Dubonnet?

Franny: Ugh, get that out of my face. I’m driving.

Mr. Voinic: Okay.

[they both exit from the stage right side of the car]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts