SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: TV Funhouse



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19









04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

TV Funhouse

written by: Robert Smigel, Louis CK, Dino Stamatopoulas

[ bumper of Will Ferrell is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!

[ adissolve to a boy and girl running from a wizard on a flying carpet in ancient Egypt. As a last resort, the boy and girl press two halves of aring together to spell “Shazzang.” Like magic, the giant genie appears and swats the wizard away like a fly. ] [ zoom on Shazzang as a flying camel appears. Shazzang turns to face the camera. ]

V/O: Shazzang!

[ dissolve to title card: “Shazzang! in The Flaming Ruby of Taruba.” ] [ dissolve to the boy and girl about to be crushed by two walls closing in on them ] [ an evil Raja holds up the Flaming Ruby of Taruba and gives a maniacal laugh ]

Raja: At last! The Flaming Ruby of Taruba is mine!

Boy: Looks like that time, Nancy..

[ they press their rings together ]

Together: Shazzang!

[ Shazzang suddenly appears, and pushes the walls apart, crumbling them into dust ]

Raja: Your genie cannot stop me. [ fires an arrow from a bow at Shazzang ] [ Shazzang swats at the arrow, which riccochets back to the Egyptian and pins him to a brick wall ]

Shazzang: Someone’s hung out to dry!

[ Shazzang uses his magic powers to zap the Egyptian towards him. Shazzang then rolls the Egyptian into a ball and proceeds to juggle him ]

Behold, children, my juggling act!

Boy: That’s some trick!

[ Shazzang sticks a spear through the Raja and uses him as a mop upon the desert floor ]

Shazzang: Time to clean up your mess, Raja!

Nancy: Wow!

[ Shazzang holds the Raja by the neck, piches his mouth open and holds a bottle of ammonia in front of him ]

Shazzang: Open wide! [ sprays ammonia into the Raja’s mouth ] [ the kids watch with surprise, but trust Shazzang’s instincts. The Raja coughs up blood. ]

Shazzang: Ho ha ha! Look, Mom – no cavities!

Boy: Looks like you got him, Shazzang.

[ Shazzang pulls on the Raja’s tongue ]

Shazzang: Cat got your tongue?

[ Shazzang slices the Raja’s elongated tongue in half with his fingernail. The kids are now horrified. ] [ Shazzang shoots lasers out of his eyes, which tear the upper flesh off the Raja ]

Shazzang: Give me some skin!

Nancy: [ uneasily ] Um.. you sure saved us, Shazzang..

Boy: And now it’s over..

[ Shazzang use his pwers to create ahainsaw made of smoke, which slices off one of the Raja’s legs. Shazzang laughs at this, turns uses his powers to turn the amputaed leg into a drumstick. ]

Shazzang: Who wants the drumstick?

[ Shazzang shoves the drumstick into the Raja’s mouth, as the kids and the flying camel look on in expanded horror ] [ Shazzang now has the Raja tied to a stake in the ground ]

Shazzang: If only Mom could see you!

[ Shazzang zaps a spot on the ground, where the Raja’s crying mom appears. Shazzang kicks her in the gut, and she doubles over and pukes. Shazzang zaps the puke, and turns it into a groups of rats, which immediately run over to chew on the Raja’s mom. ]

Shazzang: Ho ho ho! I smell a rat!

Boy: We gotta go..

[ Shazzang is now chopping the Raja into slices over a picnic tablecloth. Some of the Raja pieces are already in between slices of bread. ]

Shazzang: You’ll miss the picnic!

[ the kids sigh ]

Shazzang: Soup’s on!

[ timeframe cut to Shazzam taking a crap ]

Shazzang: Nature calls!

[ timeframe cut to Shazzam watching a weed grow out of the ground ]

Shazzang: Ho ho ho ho! You’re fertilizer now!

[ Shazzang feeds the weed to a cow, then proceeds to punch the cow repeatedly in the face, to the point where the cow takes multiple craps in fear ]

Nancy: Shazzang! What are you doing?

Shazzang: [ as he continues to mutilate the cow ] Gotta.. please.. my dad.. [ his maniacal laughter quickly turns into sobbing cries ]

Boy: [ stunned ] Wow.

Shazzang: [ still crying and pounding on the scattered cow feces ] Am I good enough yet?!

[ dissolve to still Shazzang full shot ]

Announcer: Tune in next week for.. Shazzang!

[ fade to credits ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: America’s Next Top Model



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20




04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

America’s Next Top Model

Tyra Banks…..Maya Rudolph
Janice Dickinson…..Tina Fey
Kaiceey…..Lindsay Lohan
Kahlua…..Rachel Dratch
Amber…..Amy Poehler
Nole Marin…..Horatio Sanz
Thurkiel Epps…..Finesse Mitchell
Britney Spears…..Amy Poehler
Kevin Federline…..Seth Meyers

(“America’s Next Top Model” opening sequence appears, reads “Who Has What It Takes to Become America’s Next Top Model”, bouncy music plays)

Narrator: Now we return to America’s Next Top Model.

(Tyra Banks appears)

Tyra Banks: Welcome, ladies. (Overdramatically) It’s time to make our final cut, determining who will become…America’s…Next…Top…(Whispers)..Model. Kaiccey, Kahlua, Amber, you’ve worked hard and you should be VERY proud of the (Makes wild hand motions) “whoop-de-whoo” energy and the “hi-hi-hi” you’re achieved. I think you know our judges. Nole Marin, top stylist, Thurkiel Epps, top movement coach, and the oldest living suprmodel, Janice Dickinson. (Janice appears, hunched over on judging table)

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) You’re all trash!

Tyra Banks: How are you all feeling?

Kaiccey: (Steps forward) Um, I’m feeling really grateful…and excited. I mean, I’ve learned so much. I used to think I was pretty, but you guys have taught me actually, I have weird eyes and fat legs…thank you. (Steps back awkwardly)

Kahlua: I can’t believe I got this far. Everyone said there’d never be a top model with a mohawk (Points to her own mohawk), and I’m gonna prove them all wrong.

Amber: These two Chewbaccas can leave right now, ’cause I know I’m gonna win. I look great, I’m mad photogenic, I got one leg…(Applause) and I just ate a whole can of sardines! So let’s do this. Ooo-ooh!

Tyra Banks: Let’s take a look at your pictures. Kaiceey, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows a petrified Kaiceey)

Nole Marin: That photo of you is flawless.

Thurkiel Epps: And you looked really scared, which was very hot. (Puts finger on tongue) Tss!

Kaiceey: I guess, um, you know, I’m just not very comfortable with being sexy?

Janice Dickinson: (Scoffs) Please, sex is a part of this business, OK, I had to sleep with Meatloaf, and that was just to get a ride here today! (Scoffs)

Tyra Banks: Kaiceey, good job. You really showed your “Hey, girl!” and your “What-what?” Kahlua, this is your best shot.

(Photo appears on TV screen that shows Kahlua pointing to and showing off her odd mohawk)

Tyra Banks: Kahlua, I feel like you’re relying too much on your hair, (Points at her own odd hairdo which is basically a big red wig, while panel of judges nod) and this show is NOT called “America’s Next Top Hair Model”! That’s my other show, and it’s on right after this. (Points down, “Coming Up Next” bar appears and says “America’s Next Top Hair Model”) Amber, it was very hard for us to find a good picture of you.

Amber: (Pauses) I bet it was hard.

Tyra Banks: But we did our best…

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber oddly) You’re not using that right.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Better. (Nods in approval) Let’s take a look.

(Photo appears on TV screen showing Amber in a wild position, sticking her tongue out, revealing her “lady parts”, which are quickly pixilated by the editing squad)

Nole Marin: Amber, in some ways, I think you want this more than anyone.

Amber: OK, here’s why I’m the bomb. I’m super-fine, I’m round-the-clock horny, I’m rocking one leg…and I got a case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome…That’s IBS for short, so take a walk, bitches, ’cause I can’t! (Wild cheers)

Tyra Banks: A top model needs to be able to move…with ENERGY (Flails arms around), so tonight, your final challenge is a pose-off. We’re gonna play some music for you to move to, and when the music stops, you pose.

Janice Dickinson: And don’t screw it up! OK, modeling is not hard, NOT modeling is hard.

Tyra Banks: (Yells) Music!

(Bouncy music begins to play, Kaiceey dances very timidly and scared, Kahlua dances by basically pointing to her mohawk in different ways, and Amber does wild thrusts with her body)

Tyra Banks: And…pose.

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance and falls right on the floor, but soon jumps right back, as if she was proud of falling)

Kaiceey: I’m sorry, I’ll do better.

Amber: Yeah, I fell! How you like me now? Uhh!!

Tyra Banks: (Points up) Music!

(Music continues and girls continue dancing the same way)

Tyra Banks: And pose!

(Girls freeze until Amber loses her balance again and falls)

Amber: (As she falls) Here we go. (Gets up) Whoo, uhh! I meant to do that! Ahh! (Throws peace signs)

Tyra Banks: Our judges….will reveal…their decision….after this.

(Commercial for “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic” appears)

Britney Spears: Next week on “Britney and Kevin: Chaotic”…(Cuts to Britney looking at herself in the camera, pointing her nose to look like a pig’s) Oh my god, look at my nose!

Kevin Federline: Aww, hell naw.

Britney Spears: Look at my nose! It looks so funny like that.

Kevin Federline: Hell naw.

Britney Spears: (Turns to Kevin) Will you marry me?

(Commences to a totally gross make-out, groaning loudly and licking each other’s faces, but soon the commercial is over and “America’s Next Top Model” returns)

Tyra Banks: Ladies, after a lot of “Wah-OK?” and (Snaps fingers with each “Mmm”) “Mmm-mm-mm-mm-mmm!”, we have a decision. America’s…Next….Top….Maw….del….is….

(Camera pans to each of the girls’ faces, all extremely emotional, except for Amber, who throws a peace sign)

Tyra: Kaiceey.

(Kaiceey bursts into tears while Kahlua hugs her, then leaves the room, pointing at her mohawk)

Kaiceey: Oh, god. I’m so happy. I guess I’ll just, I’ll dro…drop out of law school. Thank you?

Amber: (Yelps in disgust) Fine! This show’s stupid anyway. I’m gonna go on “Clean Sweep”….’cause my apartment’s filled with trash! (Holds hands to her mouth and lets out loud yell) You all can suck it when I get a free Swiffer! (Jumps and farts) Yeah, I farted…jealous?

Tyra Banks: (Looks at Amber in disgust) No…I’m not.

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: How many times do I have to tell you, that’s not how that works!

Amber: That’s what she said!

Tyra Banks: Got me again…

Amber; See you later, suckers. (Keeps on jumping and farting until she falls…again) (As she falls) Oh, here we go.

(“America’s Next Top Model” graphics appear)

Submitted by: Rachel Lee

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Goodnights



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19



04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Goodnights

…..Will Ferrell

Will Ferrell: Thanks to queens of the Stone Age! Thanks to Lorne. Thanks to the cast. Thanks to… all of you people tonight. This has all been fun. Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20



04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
The Ghost Of Lindsay Future…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen – Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you. Thank you so much. I’m so excited to be back. This is my second time hosting “SNL.” But my first time hosting as a blonde. And I have to say, it is a little bit more fun. It’s been kind of a crazy year. If you read the tabloids, they say I’m too skinny, I’m at clubs every night, I’m dating everyone from Bruce Willis to Jake Gyllenhaal.

[ suddenly, the haggardly Ghost of Lindsay Future swoops down over the teen starlet ]

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Lindsay! [ In spooky voice ] Li-i-i-indsay! Lindsay, your life is moving too fast. You gotta slow it down.

Lindsay Lohan: Um, who are you?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I’m you. I’ve come back from the future to tell you, you got to cool it with the partyin’. ‘Cause I’m totally beat.

Lindsay Lohan: Whoa, wait a second. You’re me in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Did I stutter, bitch?

Lindsay Lohan: Okay, I guess that does kind of sound like me. And you do have my natural hair color. But I have a question — why am I so short in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Because our bones turned to dust. Because you drank nothing but Red Bull.

Lindsay Lohan: Everyone drinks Red Bull.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No, not any more. In the future, we use it to power cars!

Lindsay Lohan: That’s pretty awesome.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Yeah, it is awesome.

Lindsay Lohan: So what else happens? What movies do I make in the future?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Let me see we did “Herbie Fully Loaded”, “Mean Girls 2” — that was a suck bomb.. “National Lampoon’s Jamaican Vacation”, we did, like, eight Lifetime movies, and now we host a Cinemax show called “Night Passions”.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait a minute. That sounds a little shady. Wait, are we doing porn?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: No! We’re introducing porn. It’s totally different. You know, somebody’s gotta pay the bills, ever since Tommy got his hip replacement.

Lindsay Lohan: Who?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Oh, yeah. You’re married to Tommy Lee, genius.

Lindsay Lohan: what? Did I even meet him, and where?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: At Oscar’s.

Lindsay Lohan: I get to go to the Oscars?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Not the Oscars. Oscar’s, a strip club in Glendale. And do me a favor, sometime in the near future, when you’re out partying with Nicole Richie, do not get this tattoo.

[ the Ghost of Lindsay Future pulls her shirt down slightly to reveal “I Love Bo Bice” tattooed on one breast and an image of Bo tattooed on the other breast ]

Lindsay Lohan: Well, I do love me some Bo Bice.

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: Okay, I know, I know. All I’m saying is get some sleep, drink some water. Unless you want this to be your future, you better take it down a notch. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Lindsay Lohan: Wait, wait, wait. Let me ask you this: Am I happy 30 years from now?

The Ghost Of Lindsay Future: I don’t know. I’m from 2007.

Lindsay Lohan: Oh, holy crap! I gotta take better care of myself, don’t I? All right, let’s hurry up and get the show started so I can go to bed. We’ve got a great show tonight. Coldplay is here. [ Cheers and applause ] so stick around, and we’ll be right back, people!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Grind!



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19



04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Grind!

Waiter…..Will Ferrell
Dr. Roberts…..Will Forte
Mrs. Roberts…..Rachel Dratch

[ open on exterior, ritzy restaurant; dissolve to Dr. & Mrs. Roberts’ dinner table, as their waiter approaches ]

Waiter: Hello, have you decided – oh! Dr. and Mrs. Roberts! How are you?

Dr. Roberts: Kevin! Hello, Kevin, what a nice surprise. Are you one for the semester?

Waiter: Uh.. yes. Yes. So, how’s John, uh, doing at Yale? I haven’t talked to him in a long time.

Dr. Roberts: He’s doing just great! How do you like Stanford?

Waiter: Oh, it’s been fun. You know, lots of work. To be honest, I’m taking a little time off.

Msr. Roberts: Oh! Time off for what?

Waiter: Well, I’m thinking about dropping out. You know, maybe working here full-time.

Dr. Roberts: But you’ve worked so hard.

Waiter: Well, not hard enough, apparently. I just.. can’t seem to keep up.

Dr. Roberts: Can’t? Or won’t?

Waiter: Well, I assure you, Dr. Roberts, I’m working as hard as I can.

Dr. Roberts: Well, sometimes we don’t know just how hard we can work until we push ourselves.

Mrs. Roberts: [ whispers ] Lewis.

Dr. Roberts: [ whispers ] What?

Mrs. Roberts: We’ll take two dinner salads to start.

Waiter: Okay, sure.

[ Waiter exits scene ]

Mrs. Roberts: You’re not his father, Lewis!

Dr. Roberts: Well, if I were his father, he wouldn’t be such a coward.

Mrs. Roberts: I don’t know why you always have to do this!

Dr. Roberts: I’m just trying to help him, is that so bad?

Mrs. Roberts: No! But can we just enjoy our meal?

Dr. Roberts: Fine. [ a beat ] Happy Anniversary.

[ the Waiter returns with two salad plates ]

Waiter: Okay, here we go. Two dinner salads. Pepper, Mrs. Roberts.

Mrs. Roberts: Oh. Sure.

Waiter: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper into her salad ]

Mrs. Roberts: That’s good. Thank you.

Waiter: Okay. [stops grinding ] Dr. Roberts?

Dr. Roberts: Sure.

Waiter: Say when.

[ Waiter makes about twelve twists of the pepper grinder ]

Waiter: Say when, sir.

Dr. Roberts: I will.

[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, trying to maintain his dignity about the situation ]

Waiter: Sir, it is our policy to keep grinding until the customer says to stop. You’ll have to tell me to stop.

Dr. Roberts: I will – when.. I’ve had.. enough.

[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, and begins to look like he’s running out of breath ]

Waiter: Sir.. my arm is starting to burn.

Mrs. Roberts: Lewis, that’s enough!

Dr. Roberts: [ yelling ] Stay out of this, Jamie! This is between ME and THE BOY!!

Waiter: [ in obvious pain ] I can’t lose this job, sir..

Dr. Roberts: Then keep grinding!!

Waiter: Oh, God, the pain..!

Dr. Roberts: GRIND, son, GRIND!!

Waiter: Oh, God, oh God, it burns..!

Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!

Waiter: Please, sir, please!!

Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!

Waiter: Ohhh!!

Dr. Roberts: GRIND!!

Mrs. Roberts: Stop this, Lewis!

Dr. Roberts: Enough from you, Woman!!

Waiter: I’m going down!!

Dr. Roberts: Grind it!!

[ the back-and-forth screaming between Dr. Roberts and the Waiter continues, as the excitement builds to its breaking point, with Dr. Roberts yelling statements like “Twist it harder!” and “Never give up!” as the Waiter experiences pain and agony. Mrs. Roberts is in tears. ]

Dr. Roberts: Grind! Grind! Grind! [ a beat ] That’s fine, stop. That’s good.

Waiter: [ collapses onto his knees ] I’m so scared..

Dr. Roberts: No, son, you’re just fine. Now, you go back to Stanford, and you show them what hard work really is.

Waiter: Thank you, sir.. thank you. If there’s anything I can ever do for you.. you let me know.

Dr. Roberts: Well, I could use another salad!

[ they share the laugh, as the scene fades ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20


Song appears
on the album:


04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Ladies and gentlemen – it’s Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“How long before I get in
Before it starts, before I begin
How long before you decide
Or before I know what it feels like
Where to?
Where do I go?
If you’ve never tried then you’ll never know
How long do I have to climb
Up on the side of this mountain of mine.

Look up, I look up at night
Planets are moving at the speed of light
Climb up, up in the trees
Every chance that you get
Is a chance you seize
How long am I gonna stand
With my head stuck under the sand
I start before I can stop
Or before I see things the right way up.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places I have found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand.

Ideas that you’ll never find
Or the inventors could never design
All of the buildings that you put up
Japan and China all lit up
The sign that I couldn’t read
Or the light that I couldn’t see
Some things you have to believe
But others are puzzles, puzzling me.

All that noise, and all that sound
All those places that I’ve found
And birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ lead singer Chris Martin rises from the piano and stands before the audience to finish the song ]

Coldplay:
All those signs I knew what they meant
Some things you can’t invent
Some get made, and some get sent
Ooh-ooh
Birds go flying at the speed of sound
To show you how it all began
Birds came flying from the underground
If you could see it then you’d understand
Oh, when you see it then you’ll understand.”

[ the audience erupts into applause ]

Chris Martin: Thank you very, very much. Thank you.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Celebrity Jeopardy



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19






04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Osborne…..Amy Poehler
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to celebrity jeopardy. We’ve got a real barnburner on our hands here. In second place with negative 82,300 dollars is Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at the all the nice people in the audience. So many beautiful people ehh Jello pudding pops.

Alex Trebek: Great. In first place with negative 82,400 dollars is Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: Hello. Hello Alex, Hello Ozzy. (holds up dog) I miss you daddy. Minnie say Hello to Alex. Alex say hello to Minnie. whoa whoa whoa.

Alex Trebek: And in last place with negative 120,000 (sighs and pauses) Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Well, well, well Trebek. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a while.

Alex Trebek: Not long enough.

Sean Connery: That’s not what your mother said last night.

Alex Trebek: Okay Here are the categories for double jeopardy. (Board appears)

They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS THAT ARE RED, JAPAN US RELATIONS; I have no idea what that category is doing up there,

Sean Connery: I had relations this morning Trebek Hope we didn’t wake you. Your mother’s a screamer.

Alex Trebek: For your information my mother’s in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.

Sean Connery: Oh she was nursing it alright.

Alex Trebek: Great. Moving on, HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP, BLACK COMEDIANS NAMED “WHOOPI”, THE LETTER THAT COMES AFTER “B”, and finally AUTOMATIC POINTS. If you choose that category you are automatically awarded the points. Sharon Osbourne your in the lead so you can pick first. May I suggest automatic points

Sharon Osbourne: No I don’t want that one. I’ll take how many fingers am I holding up for 400 dollars Alex.

Alex Trebek: Okay. (lifts hand with three fingers) How many fingers am I holding up on this hand? (Osbourne buzzes in) Sharon Osbourne

Sharon Osbourne: How many fingers is he holding up Minnie? (lifts dog) Minnie says your holding up seven. (incorrect buzzer sounds)

Alex Trebek: No.

Sharon Osbourne: Mother F*****! (Cosby buzzes in)

Alex Trebek: Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Why do the people today need to curse with their mouth. She should be setting an example for the young people. That’s why their walkin’ around with their pants hangin” off and the rap music. That is why they lie cheat and steal. (incorrect buzzer)

Alex Trebek: Fascinating Mr. Cosby. How many fingers am I holding up? (Connery buzzes in) Sean Connery

Sean Connery: I’ve got a finger for you Trebek (Connery reaches towards pants)

Alex Trebek: (turns away) please don’t cut to him.

Sean Connery: What do you think of that, Trebek HAHAHAHA

Alex Trebek: Okay that’s not a finger and you know it.

Sean Connery: (continuous laughter) Ohhh, don’t be so shocked Trebek Like you’ve never seen one before.

Alex Trebek: Lets just move on. Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: I’ll take the letter after B for 400 dollars Alex

Alex Trebek: The word CAT is found under this letter in the Dictionary. (Connery buzzes in). Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I believe you’d find it in the R section.

Alex Trebek: No not In the Rs.

Sean Connery: Not in the Rs. That’s not what your mother said.

Alex Trebek: (breathes deeply with a long stair and pause) I walked right into that one. Doctor Cosby would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby: That’s Doctor William H Cosby Junior ADD whoa!!!

Alex Trebek: (looks with a strange stare) Okay. Would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby: No I would not.

Alex Trebek: Okay Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Ill take JAP ANUS RELATIONS for 200. (JAPAN US RELATIONS shows on screen).

Alex Trebek: (numerous double takes between Connery and the board; Connery laughing in the background) I’m sorry that’s Japan US relations. That’s just awful and you know it. Look why don’t we just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is: FIRST GREADE MATH And the question is write a math problem a first grader would know 2 plus 2, 1 plus 1, you don’t have to answer it, just write it. Write 2 plus 2 equal 12 I really don’t care. Just write any numbers in a row. (end beep) And lets see what kind of mess you’ve made of this one shall we. (at Cosby’s podium) Doctor Cosby wrote: (Cosby’s Screen) Frazzle Snazzle

Bill Cosby: That’s right I wrote down the square route of firsnazzle difornazzle.

Alex Trebek: And you wagered? (Cosby’s screen) Bleeble Blabble

Bill Cosby: correct with the flabble and the smazzle and my wife Camille.

Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Inspiring. Absolutely inspiring. Sharon Osbourne, see what you wrote (Osbournee’s screen: G(blurred)S) Oh my lord. That’s the filthiest word I’ve ever see.

Sharon Osbourne: Yes, well Minnie wrote it. Hurray!!!! (holds dog to Trebek’s face)

Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Quite frankly I don’t care what you wagered. Sean Connery Let’s see what you wrote. (Connery’s Screen) Zero plus Zero minus Zero equals Zero. I think we have a winner. Those are numbers a first grade would know that. I can’t believe it. Well that’s all the time we have.

Connery: Ohh don’t you want to see what I wagered Trebek?

Alex Trebek: Do I? You promise me its still a number?

Sean Connery: Absolutely, (pause) friend.

Alex Trebek: Sure.

(Connery’s screen: p + 0 – 0 = p)

Sean Connery: (laughs) It is a number, number two get it

Alex Trebek: Ok that’s is I quit, once and for all really goodnight.

Submitted by: Jason Lebowitz

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Coldplay performs “Fix You”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20



04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Coldplay performs “Fix You”

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Coldplay

Lindsay Lohan: Once again – Coldplay!

Coldplay:
“When you try your best but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
What could be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Well, high up above or down below
You were too in love to let it go
But if you never try you’ll never know
Just what you were.

Oh, lights will guide you home
and ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

When the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
The tears stream down your face
The tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes
When the tears stream down your face
And I.”

[ the audience cheers ]

Chris Martin: Thanks, everybody!

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will Ferrell’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19




04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Will Ferrell!

[ the audience erupts into applause at the mere sight of Will Ferrell ]

Will Ferrell: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. This is, uh, this is fantastic. Yes. Look at this. I’m just so excited to be back here at “SNL.” Uh, as you know, I was a cast member for seven years, and uh.. [ audience applauds ] Which, of course, was a thrill. But to actually get to host. I mean.. it’s unbelievable. And, uh.. I have to be honest, I thought I was gonna be a little nervous. But I’m not – thanks to you guys. I feel relaxed, I feel great. It’s great to be back here in New York City. Uh-huh. [ audience cheers ] I gotta tell you, I love this town, I really do. Especially in the spring.

[ Will grabs a microphone, rotates his body once and begins to sing ]

“On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you’ll see who you are.”

[ Will alternately fumbles with both hands in his pocket, triggering the device that makes it look like he’s peeing his pants ]

“On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being
Outshines every star you feel part of.

Yes, every mountain, sea and shore
You can hear, from far and near
Words you never heard before.”

[ Will steps up to a man sitting in the audience ]

Will Ferrell: Heeeey! How are you? You from out of town?

Audience Member: I’m from New Jersey.

Will Ferrell: You know, was today not a gorgeous day, huh? What do you think the temperature was today?

Audience Member: I-I.. I don’t know, really.

Will Ferrell: Well, why don’t you take a guess, what do you think? What do you think?

Audience Member: I don’t know. 70?

Will Ferrell: Nope. Take another guess. I’ll give you a hint- it’s lower than 70.

Audience Member: 65?

Will Ferrell: Almost. You’re so close. You’re so close.

Audience Member: 66?

Will Ferrell: You went the wrong way, you went the wrong way! Go lower.

Audience Member: 64.

Will Ferrell: 64! You’re right! Good job! It felt like it, too, didn’t it? Ddin’t it?

Audience Member: Yes.

Will Ferrell: Beautiful, beautiful day. Is this your wife? [ points microphone at woman in next seat ]

Woman: No.

Will Ferrell: You’re not his wife? Well, you make a lovely couple, you really do. You really do.

[ Will returns to the main stage and continues to sing ]

Will Ferrell:
“On a clear day
On a clear day
You can see forever
And ever
And ever
And ev-er-moooooore.”

[ Will looks down at his wet pants ]

Will Ferrell: Whoops! I peed my pants!

Hey, we got a great show for you – Queens of the Stone Age are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: The Babysitter



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20




04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

The Babysitter

Cindy…..Lindsay Lohan
Mr. Voinic…..Chris Parnell
Franny Voinic…..Maya Rudolph

[open on interior of car, with Mr. Voinic driving and babysitter in the passenger seat]

Cindy: You know, you really don’t need to drive me home, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: [with very slight tipsiness] Nonsense, Cindy. It’s very late.

Cindy: Well, I walk home from the Wilsons all the time.

Mr. Voinic: Well, Art Wilson is a dirty son of a bitch. I’m sorry. It’s been a long night. I’ve had a few. I’m good to drive, but I’m drunk. [Cindy’s eyes widen slightly and she glances at him] Just kidding. No, I’m not. How were the kids?

Cindy: They were okay. Lucas didn’t want to go to bed, and kept waking the girls up.

Mr. Voinic: Hmmm, that sounds like Lucas. Those kids really like you. They hate their mother.

Cindy: Did you guys have fun tonight?

Mr. Voinic: Who, me and Franny? Ugh, we never have fun. It was our annivarsary dinner. I would much rather have been out at a rave. That would have been crunk.

Cindy: Crunk?

Mr. Voinic: Boy, I am stressed. So, you’re a senior now?

Cindy: [scoffs] Don’t I wish? I’m just a junior.

Mr. Voinic: Really? I was sure you were a senior. Just a junior, huh? How about that? How about that? That’s something.

Cindy: Yeah, I guess. I mean, next year, I’m be a senior. And then: goodbye, Saddlebrook, hello, cruise ship. That’s what I want to do–work on a cruise ship. But my parents think it’s stupid.

Mr. Voinic: A cruise ship?! That’s a very smart idea. I never knew that about you. You are a fascinating, wonderful, sexy person. I think your parents are stupid.

Cindy: Me and my girlfriends are going to get a job on cruise ships and save up money and then start our own magazine.

Mr. Voinic: And you’ll do it. You’ll start the magazine and voila! Would you like a Dubonnet? I’m having a Dubonnet.

Cindy: A what?

Mr. Voinic: A Dubonnet. It’s a dark red wine with a slight quinine taste, and I happen to have a bottle here under my seat.

Cindy: You know, you can’t drink and drive. [laughs nervously]

Mr. Voinic: [chuckles and produces the bottle] Cindy, you’ll find as you get older, certain laws are meant to be taken seriously and others are not. I’ve never felt the drinking and driving law made much sense. [proffers the bottle to Cindy]

Cindy: Oh, I’ll pass.

Mr. Voinic: [pulling it back] That’s the way to play it. You and me are a lot alike. A lot. A very lot.

[Cindy turns away from Mr. Voinic and puts on her seat belt, but continues to face away in mild mortification]

Mr. Voinic: [singing] I walk a lonely road, / The only road that I have ever know. / Don’t know where it goes, / but I walk that road all alone. [speaking] Sure do love that song. Coldplay.

Cindy: Green Day.

Mr. Voinic: Of course. What did I say? Coldplay? Ridiculous. I know Coldplay. [sings] Your body is a wonderland…

Cindy: [with some relief] Hey, look, there’s my house. Driveway.

Mr. Voinic: Ah, so it is. Hey, do you want to sit and talk?

Cindy: About what?

Mr. Voinic: Oh, I just really love to hear you talk about anything. I think you’re the smartest person I know.

Cindy: Your wife’s a surgeon.

Mr. Voinic: Franny is an idiot compared to you. You make her look like a real dum-dum.

Cindy: I should go inside.

Mr. Voinic: I guess you should know, I’m thinking about leaving Franny. I don’t know if that changes things.

Cindy: No, I still gotta go inside. I’ll catch you later, Mr. Voinic.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, oh, let me get the door for you! [reaches across her to the opposite door]

Cindy: Oh, no, I can get it. It’s right here.

Mr. Voinic: Okay, well, um, let’s have a goodbye hug [slides his right arm behind her neck], okay, uh…

Cindy: [perturbed] What?

Mr. Voinic: So, uh, goodbye, uh, good work tonight. Good work. Good stuff.

Cindy: [grits teeth nervously] Yeah…

[Franny suddenly sits up in the back seat]

Mr. Voinic: Aaah! Franny! [springs back]

Cindy: Oh, God!

Franny: [accusatorily, to her husband] Having fun?!

Mr. Voinic: I’m giving her a goodbye hug.

Cindy: [quickly unbuckles her seat belt and opens the car door] See ya! [waves over her shoulder as she slips out of the car]

Mr. Voinic: It’s very innocent! Uh…Dubonnet?

Franny: Ugh, get that out of my face. I’m driving.

Mr. Voinic: Okay.

[they both exit from the stage right side of the car]

Submitted by: DavidK93

SNL Transcripts