SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Going 2 C Movies



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19




04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Going 2 C Movies

Terry Funck….Chris Parnell
Vasquez Gomez Vasquez….Horatio Sanz
Levi Funderstunk….Will Ferrell

(Techno music plays)

Caption: Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

Announcer: And now Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

(Gay wannabe talk show host Terry Funck sits with ultra nerd Vasquez Gomez Vasquez both holding popcorn bags)

Terry Funck: Hi, I´m Terry Funck and here next to me is Vasquez Gomez Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Hey, that´s me! You may know me from my Public Access show “Community Access” or from my picture on the paper when I fell out that hot air balloon.

Terry Funck: And you may know me from “The Terry Funck Show”. Which is not on TV yet. (crosses fingers) And I also host 50´s karaoke at the Templeton Home for the mentally off.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: That´s where they keep the loony tunes!

Terry Funck: OK, cool it, Vasquez. On with the show. Today we have a very special guest who we rent movies from a whole bunch.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I rented “Van Helsing” so many times, they gave me these fake vampire teeth for my birthday. (puts fake fangs in) I´m Count Dracula!

Terry Funck: Hugh Jackman looked so brave in that movie.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Please welcome, the movie man, Levi Funderstunk.

(Levi is an old blond hippie with white hair, he carries a basket of VHS movie tapes)

Levi Funderstunk: Hey, who wants some free movies?

Terry Funck: I certainly do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Count me in.

Levi Funderstunk: The store switched over to DVDs so we had a blowout sale on VHS. And whatever we didn´t sale we gave away to the Templeton Home. And whatever they threw out and whatever didn´t fit in the dumpster is in this basket.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wow!

Terry Funck: Jackpot! (grabs tape) Wow, “The Life of David Gale”. Oh, ever since “K-Pax”, I love me some Spacey.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Check it out. (grabs tape) “Welcome to Mooseport” My grandma is gonna be mad at me when I piss the couch!

Levi Funderstunk: (grabs tape) Oh, “Down Periscope”. Dive, dive, dive into comedy.

Terry Funck: OK, before we go crazy cakes, lets review some movies. First up, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Oh, this is gonna be goood!

Levi Funderstunk: Now although this is the sixth movie made, its actually the third episode of the saga. The Sith—

Terry Funck: Something smells nasty.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I think is Levi´s breath. It smells like dookie.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you always say what I dare not. Somebody needs to chew some Dentyne Ice.

Levi Funderstunk: Well, actually I got an infected tooth and I just ate an egg salad panini and I smoked a cigar.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Smells like you ate an egg salad poo-nini and smoked a dookie cigar.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you are on fire today! OK, Lucas is on a man-rag about us showing a clip. So here´s our review. There are some mind blowing CGI special effects and that Hayden Christensen is so evil and sweaty.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually the role of Anakin Skywalker was first offered to Leonard Dicap but he wasn´t willing to–(gags) aaaggghhh!! Oh, you know, now I´m smelling it. Its pretty rough.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You know, I have one question? What happened to Jar-Jar Binks? Me sa-sa, think sa-sa, this movie needs sa-sa, more Jar-Jar Binks sa-sa. Ok, Lucas. I´ll give a break because I´m happy to see a whole army of Chewbbacas.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually is an army of Wookies. The Chewbbacca is simply the name of one particular Wookie.

Terry Funck: Ok, enough of this yap session. What do we all rate this movie? I give it 4 thumbs up. (graphic of 4 thumbs up) One for the CGI, one for hair design, one for Hayden Christensen and one for the fiery and spanishy Jimmy Smitts.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I give it 2 stars up. (graphic of 2 stars) One for the army of Chewbbaccas. One for Yoda played by Frank Oz, who I also think played Mini-me.

Levi Funderstunk: No, actually Mini-me is played by Verne Troyer. Frank Oz is a full-sized man who directed my favorite film of all time, “The Indian in the Cupboard”. (gags) Aaaaaghhh!!! Oh my God, I just got another whiff. I´m honestly trying to think back and remember, did I somehow smoked a dookie cigar? Because its a very specific smell.

Terry Funck: Good God, Levi! Ok, first of all, you need to have your gums irrigated, get all that cheese professionally blasted from your teeth and if that doesn´t work, set your mouth on fire.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually, come to think of it, the last cigar I smoked I found in the grass next to the dog run. (cracks himself up) It was super hard to light and halfway through smoking it, it fell apart in my hands.(laughs) You know what I´m talking about?

Terry Funck: I think so. We do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You´re the best in the biz, Levi Funderstunk!

Terry Funck: No, he´s not. Well, that´s all the time we have today. Thanks for coming on Levi and thank you all for watching. Remember to save us some seats cause we´re going 2 (sign), see (sign), you (sign) at the multiplex.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wrap party at my grandma´s house! She´s making manwiches!

Terry Funck: Ok, I got to get away from this.(points to Levi, jumps from his seat. Vasquez takes the basket with VHS videos)

Caption: Going 2 C U Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20





04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz…..Rachel Dratch
Danni Sanz-Cox…..Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the deskwhile humming the first notes of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”] This week,the London Sun and the New York Post published photos ofSaddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpetdoes match the drapes.

Here’s the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr.has really let himself go!

Back to you, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprisetrip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousandsof U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]

Tina Fey: Donald Trump’s elected Kendra Todd as his first female“Apprentice” during Thursday night’s season finale, although some feltthe “prize jobs” offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had thechoice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating Trump’sPalm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super JumboTrumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] They’re huge… the hugesttampons in the world! They’re huge.

Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, ViliFualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she woreVera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]

Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalizedgay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sexcouples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about theirfirst year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr.Danni Sanz-Cox.

[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]

Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us “Mrs.” and “Mrs.”

Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- I’m sorry. I-I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had onlyseen your names… and a photograph of you.

Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.

Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, it’s been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest familyand friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and theyappear like two men]

Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like we’re part of society, Tina, like we’re a regular, married couple.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was saying“Dammit, Chris where’d you put the checkbook?” and Chris was, like, “Idon’t know. Why don’t you look under that big-ass pile of Oprahmagazines you need to keep so frickin’ badly.” And then I pretended tobe asleep so we didn’t have to have sex. [they smile at each other]

Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s a real marriage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups likeFocus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual communityhas perfected marriage.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O’ Reilly.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God hadin mind.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: But we’re just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]

Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks… Did you brush your teeth after dinner?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, I’d want you to tell me!

Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and DanniCox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]

Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New Yorkposted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movie’s openingnight. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] “Pickyou up at eight, my mother will?” [frowns] That’s my Yoda impression.

Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more thandrilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant inVirginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]

Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card thatusers can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.

Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexicokissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they mettheir reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.

Tina Fey: Oscar win– Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People who’ve seen the special said, “O-oh!”—

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!” [to the tune of Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say”]

Tina Fey: “O-oh!”

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!”

Tina Fey: “Uhh.”

Amy Poehler: “Uhh.”

Tina Fey: “Uhnn.”

Amy Poehler: “No.”

Tina Fey: “Ugh.”

Amy Poehler: “Ugh.” [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]

Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to itstickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but who’s gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the FemaleOrgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [pictureof the book’s fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence]They’re looking for it…

A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audiencethat enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed videogames, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land,and Super Jesuit Brothers.

Tina Fey: An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russellterrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg frombecoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to savehis own balls. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in,uh—[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into aWal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren’t sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction fromaudience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, thatwas my last joke!

Tina Fey: You’ll think about that joke all summer.

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be travelingto Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Foxfor saying Mexicans take jobs that “not even blacks would do.” Now, weat “Weekend Update” simply do not have the patience to wait for thatmeeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.

[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that blackpeople in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and mostdemeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for thisunequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.

President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choiceof words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult toyou, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard forblacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]

President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought thatthe difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.

President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.

Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I mustsay, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and acue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the moreEnglish they pick up. [some applause]

President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and foryour apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]

President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.

Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Can’t we all just get along, please?

Amy Poehler: Yeah… Oh, I got one!

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who’s driving?

Tina Fey: I don’t know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharptonshake their heads, puzzled]

Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]

Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!

President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend—[puts his hand onRev. Sharpton’s shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who canwe laugh at?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh onceagain]

Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers andapplause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19



04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell: Ladies and gentlemen – Queens of the Stone Age.

Queens of the Stone Age:
“Hey sister why you all alone?
I’m standing out your window
Hey little sister, can I come inside, dear?

I wanna show you all my love
I wanna be the only one
I know you like nobody ever, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.

You whisper secrets in my ear
Slowly dancing cheek to cheek
It’s such a sweet thing when you open up, baby.”

[ suddenly, Gene Frenkle enters the musical guest stage, and begins to bang his cowbell along with the band’s beats ]

Queens of the Stone Age:
“They say I’ll only do you wrong
We come together ’cause I understand
Just who you really are, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.”

[ instruments, including the cowbell, only until the song crescendoes. Josh Homme wraps his arm around Gene. ]

SNL Transcripts

Saturday Night Live: 2004-2005


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: 2004-2005


This free script provided by http://javascriptkit.com]]>











Starring:

  • Fred Armisen
  • Rachel Dratch
  • Tina Fey
  • Will Forte
  • Darrell Hammond
  • Seth Meyers
  • Chris Parnell
  • Amy Poehler
  • Maya Rudolph
  • Horatio Sanz

    Featuring:
  • Finesse Mitchell
  • Rob Riggle
  • Jason Sudeikis (from 04r)
  • Kenan Thompson
  • Writers:

  • Doug Abeles
  • Leo Allen
  • James Anderson
  • Alex Baze
  • Liz Cackowski
  • Jim Downey
  • Tina Fey
  • Charlie Grandy
  • Steve Higgins
  • Joe Kelly
  • Erik Kenward
  • John Lutz
  • Lorne Michaels
  • Matt Murray
  • Paula Pell
  • Lauren Pomerantz
  • Frank Sebastiano
  • T. Sean Shannon
  • Eric Slovin
  • Robert Smigel
  • JB Smoove
  • Emily Spivey
  • Andrew Steele
  • Jason Sudeikis (to 04q)
  • Rich Talarico
  • Episodes

  • 10/02/04: Ben Affleck / Nelly
  • 10/09/04: Queen Latifah
  • 10/23/04: Jude Law / Ashlee Simpson
  • 10/30/04: Kate Winslet / Eminem
  • 11/13/04: Liam Neeson / Modest Mouse
  • 11/20/04: Luke Wilson / U2
  • 12/11/04: Colin Farrell / Scissor Sisters
  • 12/18/04: Robert De Niro / Destiny’s Child
  • 01/15/05: Topher Grace / The Killers
  • 01/22/05: Paul Giamatti / Ludacris featuring Sum-41
  • 02/05/05: Paris Hilton / Keane
  • 02/12/05: Jason Bateman / Kelly Clarkson
  • 02/19/05: Hilary Swank / 50 Cent
  • 03/05/05: David Spade / Jack Johnson
  • 03/12/05: Ashton Kutcher / Gwen Stefani
  • 04/09/05: Cameron Diaz / Green Day
  • 04/16/05: Tom Brady / Beck
  • 05/07/05: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down
  • 05/14/05: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age
  • 05/21/05: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay
  • Summary“Saturday Night Live” began its 30th season with only minimal changes from the previous season. Jimmy Fallon left the show after six seasons of mixed performances, enabling featured player Fred Armisen to be promoted as a full performer. Rob Riggle, a former U.S. Marine turned comedian, joined SNL as a featured player to keep the cast even. Fallon’s vacated seat at the Weekend Update desk left many fans biting their nails with wonder of who, if anyone, would take over his co-anchor position next to head writer Tina Fey. The task went to seasoned performer (and longtime Fey pal) Amy Poehler, in a move obviously penetrated to distract critics from the continued subpar writing efforts throughout SNL. While Fey-Poehler deliver more of the same hijinks previously seen on Weekend Update, even the most ardent fans begin to long for a more permanent turnover at the desk.

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 30: Episode 19



    04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

    Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”

    …..Will Ferrell
    …..Queens of the Stone Age

    [ Will Ferrell sits on an audience member’s lap and rubs his bald head ]

    Will Ferrell: Once again – Queens of the Stone Age.

    Queens of the Stone Age:
    “It’s the cruelest joke to play
    I’m so high, I run in place
    Only a line, we separate, so.

    I keep on playing our favorite song
    I turn it up while you’re gone
    It’s all I got when you’re in my head
    And you’re in my head, so I need it.

    You’re the only thing I’ve got
    And that, I can’t seem to get enough
    We collide for one embrace, so.

    I keep on playing our favorite song
    I turn it up while you’re gone
    It’s all I got when you’re in my head
    And you’re in my head, so I need it.

    I keep on playing our favorite song
    I turn it up while you’re gone
    It’s all I got when you’re in my head
    And you’re in my head, so I need it.

    [ break ]

    So, hurry up and wait forever
    So, hurry up and wait for forever.

    I keep on playing our favorite song
    I turn it up while you’re gone
    It’s all I got when you’re in my head
    And you’re in my head, so I need it.

    I need it
    I need it
    I need it.”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live: 02/20/05



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Special: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live




































































    Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

    …..Jimmy Fallon
    …..Molly Shannon
    …..Tim Meadows
    …..Norm MacDonald
    …..Dana Carvey
    …..Conan O’Brien
    …..Julia Louis-Dreyfus
    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Al Franken
    …..Rosie Shuster
    …..Candace Bergen
    …..Dan Aykroyd
    …..Chevy Chase
    …..Howard Shore
    …..Anne Beatts
    …..Eric Idle
    …..Laraine Newman
    …..Tom Schiller
    …..Garrett Morris
    …..Alan Zwiebel
    …..Herb Sargent
    …..Barbara Gallagher
    …..Don Pardo
    …..Craig Kellem
    …..Neil Levy
    …..Dick Ebersol

    [ open on Beatles Offer, 04/24/76 ]

    Lorne Michaels: Hi. I’m Lorne Michaels, the producer of “Saturday Night.”

    [ cut to opening of Gilda Answers Audience Questions, 02/25/78 ]

    Gilda Radner: Hi, I’m Gilda Radner.

    [ cut to opening of Weekend Update with Jane Curtin ]

    Jane Curtin: Good evening, I’m Jane Curtin.

    [ cut to Dan Aykroyd commentary on Weekend Update ]

    Dan Aykroyd: I’m Dan Aykroyd.

    [ cut to opening of White Guilt Relief Fund, 02/28/76 ]

    Garrett Morris: I’m Garrett Morris.

    [ cut to opening of John Belushi’s Dream, 03/12/77 ]

    John Belushi: Hi, I’m John Belushi.

    [ cut to opening of Weekend Update with Chevy Chase ]

    Chevy Chase: I’m Chevy Chase.

    [ cut to opening of The New Guy, 03/19/77 ]

    Bill Murray: Hello, I’m Bill Murray.

    [ cut to Laraine Newman closing a Weekend Update satellite report ]

    Laraine Newman: This is Laraine Newman, saying —

    [ cut back to close of Gilda Answers Audience Questions, 02/25/78 ]

    Gilda Radner: “Live, from New York, it’s “Saturday Night”!

    [ dissolve to opening montage of “Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live” ]

    Jimmy Fallon: When I was, like, a kid, me and my sister would imitate the Wild and Crazy Guys. [ imitates Wild and Crazy Guys ] “Let’s go to Statue of Liberty to get birth control devices.” You know? Like, my grandfather’s like, “What are you teaching these kids?”

    [ cut to Georg toasting Yortuk in Wild and Crazy Guys!, 04/22/78 ]

    Georg Festrunk: We are two wild and crazy guys!

    Molly Shannon: I have such fond memories of seeing my father, like, roar with laughter. And it was a way to connect, and this opening of a world that was brand new to me.

    [ cut to Julia Child bleeding in The French Chef, 12/09/78 ]

    Julia Child: Oh! Oh, God, it’s throbbing! [ Laughter ]

    Tim Meadows: You weren’t used to seeing a black guy get angry at a white guy in a comedy sketch. So, it was sort of, like, empowering.

    [ cut to Interviewer interviewing Mr. Wilson in Racist Word Association Interview, 12/13/75 ]

    Interviewer: I think you’re qualified for this job. How about a starting salary of $5,000?

    Mr. Wilson: Your mama!

    Norm MacDonald: I loved Laraine Newman. Reminded me of the girls that you could actually get, instead of TV girls.

    [ cut to opening of E. Buzz Miller’s Exercise World, 04/15/78 ]

    E. Buzz Miller: Say Hi to our viewers, Christy.

    Christy Christina: Hi! [ giggles ]

    Dana Carvey: When “Saturday Night Live” premiered, yeah, it was just like they were the coolest of the cool. They were literally the Beatles of comedy.

    [ cut to the Earl of Sandwich approaching Lord Douchebag in Lord Douchebag, 05/24/80 ]

    Earl of Sandwich: Douchebag!

    Conan O’Brien: And the sense of humor is so — it was the way that you were funny with your friends in the lunchroom. It wasn’t anything that you’d seen on TV before.

    [ cut to Wolverines, 10/11/75, as the Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professors gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor ]

    Conan O’Brien: I just remember thinking how cool I was to be able to stay up so late and watch this funny stuff on television.

    Julia Louis-Dreyfus: I sort of felt a part of the irreverence. I was getting the jokes, too. I was very mature. You know.

    [ cut to Spokeswoman speaking in Gidget’s Disease, 03/12/77 ]

    Spokeswoman: Really enough to make you want to puke your guts out. [ Laughter ] [ pull out on full title card, zoom in on early black-and-white photo of Lorne Michaels ]

    Lorne Michaels: At that point in my life, for better, for worse, I was just completely uncompromising.

    [ cut to Weekend Update with Chevy Chase ]

    Chevy Chase: Let’s take a brief look back at 1975, shall we? [ turns his head to look back at “1975” on the screen ] [ cut to Loudon Wainwright III’s performance of “Bicentennial”, 11/15/75 ]

    Loudon Wainwright III: [ singing ]“Hey, we’re gonna have an anniversary
    Yes, it’s gonna be a bicentennial.
    Hey, America’s having a birthday
    Gonna be 200 years old
    Isn’t it wonderful?”

    Al Franken: You got to go back to 1975. We were still in Vietnam, and Nixon’s resignation was still fresh.

    [ cut to Final Days, 05/08/76 ]

    President Richard Nixon: You know I’m not a crook, Henry. You know that I’m innocent.

    Rosie Shuster: We were children of the ’60s. We’d come out of the pill, and free love, and sex, drugs, rock ‘N’ roll, but also out of civil rights and feminism, and there was nothing on the airwaves that fed back to us the culture we were living. Movies had done it, rock ‘n’ roll had done it, but television was way behind.

    [ cut to Patti Smith’s performance of “My Generation”, 04/17/76 ]

    Patti Smith: [ singing ]“Talking about my generation.”

    Candace Bergen: If you could see who ran the network in those days, it was really entrenched bureaucracy, and the suits and the ties.

    [ cut to Fred Silverman sketch, 12/02/78 ]

    Fred Silverman: Can’t believe that I had to cancel nine shows. And they were terrible shows! I don’t understand how they fail.

    Dan Aykroyd: The only thing out there were shows that had these, sort of, sketch sensibilities. You know, they were joke machines – We weren’t a joke machine – while we were a concept machine, a scene machine.

    [ cut to The Bees, 10/18/75 ]

    Paul Simon: Oh, my goodness. I’m really sorry. The Bees number’s cut!

    Jane Curtin: What?

    Dan Aykroyd: Aw, shucks!

    Rosie Shuster: I don’t think they had a lot of confidence in this show. I mean, I don’t think they really understood any more than we did what was about to happen.

    Chevy Chase: We went in with no aspirations, no sense that this would go anywhere. And that we had a chance, at least for a year, to parody and take down television.

    Rosie Shuster: And, you know, the big question was, “Now what?”

    [ cut to Elvis Costello’s performance of “Watching the Detectives”, 12/17/77 ]

    Elvis Costello: [ singing ]“Nice girls, not one with a defect
    Cellophane shrink wrapped so-correct
    Red dogs under illegal legs.”

    Howard Shore: April 1st of 1975, I began moving from my room at the Chateau Marmont. Before we knew it, we were in New York. And Lorne and Tom Schiller were living at the Plaza.

    Tom Schiller: He was monomaniacal about it. Everything he said was about “The Show.” “The Show.” And “What show,” I thought. You know?

    Lorne Michaels: Since I didn’t know anyone in New York, Marilyn Miller, who I’d known as a writer on Lily’s show said, “You should look up Michael O’Donoghue.”

    Chevy Chase: O’Donoghue was the managing editor of “The Lampoon” when they put it out with the cover showing a dog and a gun saying, “If you don’t buy this magazine, we’ll shoot this dog.” Michael was living with a woman named Anne Beatts.

    Anne Beatts: I rather audaciously told him how much I disliked the Lily Tomlin specials, and that I preferred Sonny and Cher. And why he wanted to hire me, I can’t imagine.

    Chevy Chase: I was in a line for Monty Python’s “Holy Grail.” “We are the knights who say ‘Nee’.” You know. And next to me was Lorne. And we immediately hit it off.

    Lorne Michaels: So I offered him a writing job. And he was torn, ’cause he wanted to be a performer. And I couldn’t guarantee that he would be in the cast. He and O’Donoghue knew each other, so this was a natural chemistry there.

    Chevy Chase: Tony Hendra was putting together something called “National Lampoon’s Lemmings.” And he’d called in a ringer from Chicago’s Second City, and that was Belushi. John was, without a doubt, the star of the show.

    Lorne Michaels: Everybody thought it would be a good idea if I met John. I met John. He told me that he didn’t do television. We didn’t hit it off. Gilda, who also knew John, said he has a — as he does, you know, a real sweet side.

    Anne Beatts: Gilda was in New York doing the “National Lampoon” show. So she was someone that was, like, part of the family already. Bill [Murray] was also somebody that we were really keen on Lorne hiring, but instead, he wanted to hire this Canadian guy that we were suspicious of. This Aykroyd fellow. Dan had just come in from Toronto on a motorcycle the size of a building.

    Dan Aykroyd: Once Lorne saw Belushi and I together, that he didn’t like. He saw a power structure there that might challenge his authority. Franken and Davis and Gilda were sort of lobbying, and convinced him to hire us.

    Marilyn Miller: I knew Franken and Davis in L.A. Because all the young people hung out at the Comedy Store.

    Al Franken: She had paid me to play tennis with her. Kind of humiliating. But I had no money.

    Eric Idle: Franken and Davis were like a classic comedy writing duo, you know. But they were always, like, whacked out of their skulls.

    Al Franken: Tom and I were the only writers that Lorne hired that he hadn’t met. And to this day, we believe that if he had met us, we would not have been hired.

    Anne Beatts: Laraine had already been cast.

    Lorne Michaels: I knew Laraine Newman from “The Lily Tomlin Show.”

    Laraine Newman: Gilda and I watched the auditions. And boy, am I glad I didn’t have to audition.

    Barbara Gallagher: The audition, at least 400 people.Tom Schiller: People like Jane Curtin came in.

    Lorne Michaels: Jane looked like she belonged on television. She had a face that was sort of built for parody.

    Barbara Gallagher: Garrett, by the way, Garrett Morris, he was a writer to begin with. And Lorne wanted to put him on the air.

    Garrett Morris: Lorne put out the word that he wanted a black writer. And being crazy, you know, he didn’t know me from Adam. I must have looked — I don’t know. He said, “You’re hired,” right?

    Tom Schiller: Alan Zweibel, one of the most nervous guys in the world, came in.Alan Zweibel: I was a joke writer for Catskill comedians. This guy sits down next to me. And he said, “You’re the worst comedian I’ve ever seen in my life. How much money do you need to live?” So I said, “well, I’m making $2.75 an hour at the deli. Match it.”

    Tom Schiller: It started growing like a molecular explosion. All areas. Herb Sargent was a teacher. And in the early days, he left a script out which gave the format of all the things, where there’s a character name, and then the dialogue, and then the stage direction. ‘Cause none of us knew how to really do that.

    Herb Sargent: I didn’t teach them anything. They learned as they went along. I’d frown at something, but that was about it.

    Rosie Shuster: Lorne had an eye for talent. It was like, it’s a picnic, and someone will bring the potato salad, someone will bring the — he had a sense of variety. He understood there needed to be some form of balance.Anne Beatts: It was a little like being Wendy on the Island of lost boys, in a way.

    Lorne Michaels: For me, it was an incredibly exciting time. I mean, I was probably fearful of actually going on the air, ’cause I’d never really done a live television show. And, as I’ve said endlessly, we don’t go on because it’s ready, we go on because it’s 11:30. And that tends to be very clarifying.

    [ cut to Wolverines, 10/11/75 ]

    Professor: Repeat after me.

    [ European Immigrant in tight-mouthed concentration, nods ]

    Professor: I would like…..

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I would like….

    Professor: ….to feed your fingertips….

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent] ….to feed yur fingerteeps….

    Professor: …to the wolverines.

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] ….to de wolver-eenes.

    Professor: Next, I am afraid….

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] I em afred…

    Professor: …we are out…

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …we are out…

    Professor: …of badgers.

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …of badjurs.

    Professor: Would you accept…

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] Would you accept…

    Professor: …a wolverine…

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …a wolver-eene…

    Professor: …in it’s place?

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …een es place.

    Professor: Next, “Hey,” Ned exclaimed…

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “Hey,” Ned asclaimed…

    Professor: “let’s boil…

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] “let’s boil…

    Professor: …the wolverines.”

    European Immigrant: [ in thick accent ] …the wolver-eenes.”

    Professor: Next…

    [ The Professor suddenly gasps, clutches his chest, and falls off his chair to the floor, obviously stricken with a heart attack. The Immigrant looks puzzled for a moment, then repeats the Professor’s gasp, clutches his chest, and throws himself on the floor. ] [ Stage Manager enters the scene, peers at the two lifeless figures and looks into the camera and smiles. ]

    Stage Manager: Live from New York.. it’s Saturday Night!

    [ dissolve to opening credits of the very first episode ]

    Announcer: NBC’s “Saturday Night.”

    Barbara Gallagher: You know that story about “Saturday Night Live.” About the title. The show was called “Saturday Night Live.” And then Howard Cosell was coming on with his Ed Sullivan show. So he got on before we did, and he called his show, “Saturday Night Live.” So we couldn’t use it. So it was, “Live from New York, it’s ‘Saturday Night’.”

    [ opening montage of the first episode continues ]

    Announcer: The Not For Ready Primetime Players!

    Don Pardo: I think it’s the only time that I ever flubbed anything. Herb Sargent, the next day, he said, “You know what you said at the opening? You said, ‘Not For Ready’ instead of ‘Ready For’.” I says, “I did?” I didn’t even realize it.

    Craig Kellem: The Monday after the show, we all met in Lorne’s office. Now, looking at the ratings, it wasn’t terrible, but it wasn’t terrific. So it completely amazed me when he looked up, and he said, “I guess we’re a hit.” And I thought to myself, “What is he talking about?”

    Neil Levy: All the reviews were bad. I mean, it was just like, “This show is sophomoric. It’s puerile.” And he put them up on the wall, constantly. There was a whole bulletin board filled with bad reviews. And he just scoffed at them.

    Dick Ebersol: That was the season that NBC fell to third for the first time in its history. If it had been the typical fall season in 1975, I could see us not having made it.

    Lorne Michaels: I knew that if I could do the shows that I would watch, or that I thought was good, that it would be successful. I never questioned that it would be a hit if I could actually get it on.

    [ commercial break ]

    Next: I’m Chevy Chase And You’re Not

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Oracle Conclave 2005



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 30: Episode 19




    04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

    Oracle Conclave 2005

    Written by: Liz Cackowski

    Singers…..Maya Rudolph, Will Forte, Fred Armisen
    James Filau…..Will Ferrell

    [ open on exterior, Ramada Inn ] [ dissolve to interior, meeting room, as Singers perform a rendition of Gloria Branigan’s “Gloria” ]

    Singers: “Oracle, oracle we thank you for a great year, great year, production’s really u-up, u-up, thank you, Team Oracle!”

    [ James Filau, dressed in a t-shirt with the red Oracle logo and the words “Oracle Conclave 2005” ironed on the front ]

    James Filau: whoo! Whoo! All right. Wow, that was really special. Thank you, Joan, Robin and Carlos. You know them as your Sales VPs at Headquarters in Torrance, California. But for tonight, they are the Oracle Singers. And we’d also like to thank the estate of Laura Branigan for the use of the song “Gloria.” Special. Welcome back. Hope you all enjoyed your Continental breakfast. Once again, I’m James Filau. Super-psyched to be hosting the Oracle Conclave for the fourth year in a row. [ a rubbing sound effect is heard as he speaks ] And that’s just — it’s kind of special to — is that me? Oh, it’s my t-shirt. My t-shirt’s rubbing. My bad. [ adjusts his mike ] Let me just — so, are we okay? Is that better? Better? All right, all right.

    So, I heard that they are getting rid of interoffice e-mail here at Oracle. Yep, it seems there’s a faster way of sending information. Just tell Martha Spivey. [ he looks offscreen ] What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But she’s gonna be okay? [ a beat ] She’s not? Was anybody gonna bother to tell me? Unbelievable. [ sighs ] Unbelievable.

    Okay, well, let’s move on to the slide show. Now, this is fun. This is gonna be good. I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy fun you guys had at Conclave 2005. [ “Eye of the Tiger” plays low in the background ] Okay, we can barely hear that. We can barely hear that. Can we get some more volume? [ volume is cranked up extra high ] Okay, now you’re just being spiteful because that’s way too loud, okay? Forget it. Whatever. Just roll the slide show. Roll the slide show.

    [ pictures of the Ramada Inn and various Oracle employees with eyes blazened red flash on the screen ]

    Wow. You guys really should have taken more pictures at some of the other events. You know, there’s also a little thing called red-eye reduction button on the camera. Okay. They have that now. I’m pretty sure they do. Don’t look at me like that. Well, since that slide show failed to pump anyone up, it looks like it’s my job to — get this Conclave started. Oh, that’s right. You feel it? Oracle in the house. Say, “Ho-o-o.”

    All: Ho.

    [ rap music pots up ]

    James Filau: Yo, yo, yo! Oracle’s a business, we like to H we like — Good lord! Oh, Good lord! Can we kill the music? [ music continues ] Ah! The pain is making me angry! Can we just kill the music, please? Kill the music, you bastards! [ music stops ] What kind of shoddy-ass Conclave is this? Have you hayseeds ever heard of glow tape? Geez of Nazareth! I am not at all right! You know what? You know what? I’m not gonna do my signature rap. Nope. Nope. ‘Cause I’m not okay, all right? I am Jimmy frickin’ Filau! Okay? I opened for Hootie at the Pfizer conference! Which, by the way, was held in Hawaii. Ever heard of it? Maybe you should Google it, Oracle, okay? That’s it. I’m walking. [ Rap music begins again ] No, I’m not doing my rap. Bye bye, I’m outta here. I’m outta here, no. [ trips and falls to the floor ] Who the hell’s duffel bag is this?!

    [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live: 02/20/05



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Special: Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live































    Live From New York: The First 5 Years of Saturday Night Live

    …..Lorne Michaels
    …..Dan Aykroyd
    …..Marilyn Suzanne Miller
    …..Herb Sargent
    …..Eric Idle
    …..Eugene Lee
    …..Rosie Shuster
    …..Candace Bergen
    …..Bernie Brillstein

    [ return from commercial on The Band’s medley performance, 10/31/76 ]

    The Band: [ singing ]“Life is a carnival, believe it or not
    Life is a carnival, two bits a shot.”

    Eugene Lee: The idea of a show having a home in that sort of setting was very disorienting. But Lorne wanted to be right in the heart of it.

    Craig Kellem: At 30 Rockefeller Plaza, you feel overwhelmed by show business. You have the quintessential New York attitude, which is, “We don’t care who you are, and who are you?”

    Dan Aykroyd: I always had trouble getting in. The guards just never respected me.

    Marilyn Miller: They didn’t know what they were going to encounter when they got off the elevator, and they didn’t want to know.

    Tom Davis: It was rough out there on 17.

    Howard Shore: 17th floor is a mad house. There’s no question about it. I mean, it was crazy.

    Marilyn Miller: You know, it looks — it looks like a dorm. [ cackles ] It looked like utter Hell.

    Steve Martin: It looks like a dorm.

    Marilyn Miller: That’s what it was, it was a dorm. With all the desks, like, in the hallways, one after another.

    Herb Sargent: Like an Army base. It was like a camp. If you opened the door, you would hear screaming, or laughter, or fighting, or something. Close the door, and it was quiet again.

    Eric Idle: It was like a huge play pen for comedians and writers. And they said, “Here’s NBC, and from here on, it isn’t NBC. It’s Anti-NBC.”

    [ Eric Idle monologue, 1978 ]

    Eric Idle: Hey, I thought this sketch had been cut. Yeah, this is out. This is out. Have you seen the writers, anybody? Oh, God. [ Sitar music ] Hello?

    Dan Aykroyd: We were living in the building, a lot of us. I managed to get a shower and bunk beds installed in my office.

    Marilyn Miller: Nobody would go, “just a moment, would you hold on? I’ll get him.” They’d go, “There’s a phone call for you in your room!” “Your room.” Rockefeller center was “your room.”

    Howard Shore: I think the 17th floor was nicer than any of our apartments. We didn’t make much money.

    Eugene Lee: I mean, we were rowdy back then, you know? We were very rowdy, that’s all. I mean, the elevator door on 17 was all busted up, you know, because, what do you do when you wait for the elevator? You kick the door.

    [ cut to entrance of “Interior Demolitionists” ]

    Good morning, Ma’am.

    Good morning, Ma’am. Interior demolitionists. Are you Mrs. Henderson?

    Mrs. Henderson: Yeah. Interior demolitionists?

    Yeah. Where do you want us to begin?

    Mrs. Henderson: [ calling upstairs ] Honey, did you send for Interior demolitionists?

    Rosie Shuster: There was a food metaphor Lorne had, like, “We know the ingredients, we just don’t know the quantity and the recipe. So we’re going to find it on its feet.”

    Lorne Michaels: We had a momentum. We were doing shows one after another. And there was an incredible level of fatigue. And excitement.

    Dick Ebersol: Show four, with Candy Bergen, is the first show that begins to have, sort of, that infectious, mass cast kind of feeling of, “We’re all having, really, a good time here.”

    [ clips from Bergen’s first episode: Ford, Bee Monologue, World Leader, Albert Brooks, Kiwi ] [ cut to opening of “Jaws II” ] [ doorbell sounds ]

    Woman #1: [ moves to chain-locked door ] Who is it?

    Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Mrs. Ramilarghh??

    Woman #1: Who is it?

    Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Plumber..

    Woman #1: Plumber? I didn’t ask for a plumber. Who is it?

    Land Shark: [ muffled voice ] Telegram.

    Woman #1: Oh. Telegram. Just a moment.

    [ unlocks door, and opens it. The head of the shark appears, grabbing her arm and pulling her into the hallway as she screams. ] [ SUPER: “Jaws II” ]

    Lorne Michaels: I think the confidence that we had came from being a group. There was so much talent around that you just fed off it.

    Candace Bergen: From the first show, to the one I did, which I think was the fourth show, “I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not” became part of the pop culture. [ cut to opening of “Weekend Update” ]

    Announcer: and now, “Weekend Update” with Chevy Chase.

    Chevy Chase: [ into phone ] What do you mean you’re late? How late? Two weeks late. That could be emotions. Don’t worry about it. I’ll take care of it, okay? Okay. Good-bye, Barbara. Margaret. I’m sorry.

    Good evening, I’m Chevy Chase and you’re not.

    Bernie Brillstein: And Chevy was a star before he was a star. You know, he just looked like a star, acted like a star and was really talented.

    Dan Aykroyd: He wrote for the other cast members, you know? He was very generous that way. And he exploded very fast to superstardom status.

    Belushi: Well, Mr. Chase…

    Lorne Michaels: When they’d done “Lemmings,” John was the star of the show. And I think that it just began to alter the balance.

    [ Belushi punches Chevy ]

    Marilyn Miller: Chevy was supposed to be, sort of, the Cary Grant of the cast. He was the W.A.S.P., Handsome Guy. The rest of us were considered schlubs.[ cut to “Chevy’s Girls” ]

    Chevy’s Girls: [ singing ]“Chevy! Chevy!
    I love when you fall down
    Each “Saturday Night” on my TV.
    Oh, but, Chevy, every time you take that fall
    I wish that you were falling, falling for me!”

    [ cut to the 1976 Emmy Awards ]

    Redd Foxx: For Outstanding Supporting Actor in a Variety or Music Series, Chevy Chase.

    [ Chevy Chase jokingly stumbles his way toward the podium ]

    Chevy Chase: Needless to say, this is totally expected on my part. [ Light laughter ]

    For Outstanding Comedy, Variety or Music Series, “NBC’s Saturday Night.” Lorne Michaels, producer.

    [ Lorne Michaels run up to the stage to accept his Emmy award ]

    Lorne Michaels V/O: And I thought, “It’s not going to get better than this. Is there a way I can get out of here?”

    Lorne Michaels: [ at the podium ] I would like to thank the people at NBC, most notably, Dick Ebersol, who was there at the beginning, and has supported us all along. I’d also like to thank the city of New York for the correct combination of rejection and alienation, which keeps the comedy spirit alive. [ laughter ] I’d like to thank the best production staff, a lot of old timers who worked in live television, and neglected to mention what it was like before we started.

    Lorne Michaels: That’s when the Industry began to notice us. And after that, the state of grace that we’d been in up to that point changed.

    [ commercial break ]

    Back | Next

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 30: Episode 18




    04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

    System of a Down performs “B.Y.O.B.”

    …..Johnny Knoxville
    …..System of a Down

    Johnny Knoxville: Ladies and gentlemen – System of a Down!

    System of a Down:
    “Why do they always send the poor?
    My God is of Bible blood with pointed ears
    Victorious, victorious steel
    Can your spending kneel?
    Marching forward hypocritic
    And hypnotic computers
    You depend on our protection
    Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

    La la la la la la la la la la

    Everybody is going to the party
    Have a real good time
    Dancing in the desert
    Blowing up the sunshine.

    Kneeling roses
    Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
    Breaking into Fort Knox
    Stealing our intentions
    Every city, gripped in oil
    Crying freedom!!
    Handed to obsoletion
    Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

    La la la la la la la la la la

    Everybody is going to the party
    Have a real good time
    Dancing in the desert
    Blowing up the sunshine.
    Everybody is going to the party
    Have a real good time
    Dancing in the desert
    Blowing up the sunshine.

    Blast off, it’s party time
    And we all live in a fascist nation
    Blast off, it’s party time
    And where the (bleep) are you?
    Where the (bleep) are you?
    Where the (bleep) are you?
    Why don’t presidents fight the war?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why don’t presidents fight the war?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor!!

    Kneeling roses
    Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth
    Breaking into Fort Knox
    Stealing our intentions
    Every city, gripped in oil
    Crying freedom!!
    Handed to a obsoletion
    Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.

    La la la la la la la la la la

    Everybody is going to the party
    Have a real good time
    Dancing in the desert
    Blowing up the sunshine.
    Everybody is going to the party
    Have a real good time
    Dancing in the desert
    Blowing up the sun.

    Where the (bleep) are you?
    Where the (bleep) are you?
    Why don’t presidents fight the war?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why don’t presidents fight the war?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?

    Daron Malakian: FUCK, YEAH!!

    System of a Down:
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    Why do they always send the poor?
    They always send the poor!
    They always send the poor!”

    SNL Transcripts

    SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Luxury



     Saturday Night Live Transcripts


      Season 30: Episode 19




    04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

    The Spy

    Dr. Richard Laverne…..Will Ferrell
    Katherine Jaqueneau…..Maya Rudolph
    Contact…..Horatio Sanz

    [ a woman sits at a bar, as a man wearing an eye patch steps towards her ]

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: No.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I join you?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: No. Not at all.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: [ sits ] Dr. Richard Laverne.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Katherine Jaqueneau. [ they shake hands ]

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Go right ahead.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m sorry?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m not sure I follow.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Let me rephrase the question: Do you like luxury?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Yes, I do.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That’s why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. “Jag-u-ar.”

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I see.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I ‘m also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I like how you say that.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: “Jag-U-ar.” Can I also tell you something else?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Certainly.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Jaguar?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: No. Luxury.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Luxury?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Shh. Not so loud. We’re not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: You already asked me that.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I think it would only be fair.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you blind in one eye?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: How did you know?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re wearing an eye patch.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Right. Do you mind If I sketch you?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: You want to sketch me?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Nothing would please me more.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Here?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: No, back at my apartment.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Is it close?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Yes. It’s a 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you’re behind the wheel of the world’s finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Sure. I’ll go.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: But you must make your decision quickly. We don’t have much time.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Did you not just hear me?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: What did you say?

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I said I would go with you.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: There’s only one problem. I don’t know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: That’s fine.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: And we will need to steal a car.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: I thought you said you drove a Jaguar.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Jag-u-ar.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: You need to stop saying it.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re not really the voice of Jaguar, are you?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: No… I’m not.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you really a spy for the Swiss government?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Quick, there’s not much time.

    Katherine Jaqueneau: Shh. I’m leaving. [ she exits ] [ a heavyset steps forward and claims the woman’s seat ]

    Contact: Do you like luxury?

    Dr. Richard Laverne: [ eyes the man curiously ] Fine tapestries and expensive jewels?

    Contact: Yes.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: [ removes the documents from inside his jacket ] They told me the contact would be a woman.

    Contact: [ grabs the documents ] I AM a woman.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: I would like nothing more than to sketch you at my apartment.

    Contact: [ turns ] I don’t drive!

    Dr. Richard Laverne: Neither do I.

    Dr. Richard Laverne: [ they hold their stares on one another for a moment, then slowly turn their heads to face the bar straight-on ] [ fade ]

    SNL Transcripts