Johnny Knoxville: Ladies and gentlemen – System of a Down!
System of a Down: “Why do they always send the poor? My God is of Bible blood with pointed ears Victorious, victorious steel Can your spending kneel? Marching forward hypocritic And hypnotic computers You depend on our protection Yet you feed us lies from the tablecloth.
La la la la la la la la la la
Everybody is going to the party Have a real good time Dancing in the desert Blowing up the sunshine.
Kneeling roses Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth Breaking into Fort Knox Stealing our intentions Every city, gripped in oil Crying freedom!! Handed to obsoletion Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.
La la la la la la la la la la
Everybody is going to the party Have a real good time Dancing in the desert Blowing up the sunshine. Everybody is going to the party Have a real good time Dancing in the desert Blowing up the sunshine.
Blast off, it’s party time And we all live in a fascist nation Blast off, it’s party time And where the (bleep) are you? Where the (bleep) are you? Where the (bleep) are you? Why don’t presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor? Why don’t presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor!!
Kneeling roses Disappearing into Moses’ dry mouth Breaking into Fort Knox Stealing our intentions Every city, gripped in oil Crying freedom!! Handed to a obsoletion Still you feed us lies from the tablecloth.
La la la la la la la la la la
Everybody is going to the party Have a real good time Dancing in the desert Blowing up the sunshine. Everybody is going to the party Have a real good time Dancing in the desert Blowing up the sun.
Where the (bleep) are you? Where the (bleep) are you? Why don’t presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor? Why don’t presidents fight the war? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor?
Daron Malakian: FUCK, YEAH!!
System of a Down: Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor? Why do they always send the poor? They always send the poor! They always send the poor!”
Hunt Linear…..Johnny Knoxville Jennifer Tuttle…..Amy Poehler Gifford McGill…..Will Forte Albert Jarmon…..Rob Riggle Dr. Courtney Phelps…..Maya Rufolph Stuart Tisdale…..Fred Armisen Craig Balderston…..Kenan Thompson Evan Martin…..Darrell Hammond Anne Hasenzahl…..Rachel Dratch Ernesto Diaz…..Horatio Sanz Deborah Shea…..Tina Fey Gary Stevens…..Seth Meyers Elliot Winslow…..Finesse Mitchell Jim Sizemore…..Chris Parnell Andrew Donnely…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on Hunt and Jennifer sitting at the news desk ]
Announcer: And now – Action News. With Hunt Linear and Jennifer Tuttle. And the award-winning Action News team.
[ cut to Gifford McGill, pounding his fist into a basebal mitt as he turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]
Announcer: Gifford McGill, with Sports.
[ cut to Albert Jarmon, holding aclosed umbrella and smiling to the camera as he pretends to hold his hand out to check for rain ]
Announcer: Albert Jarmon, with the weather.
[ cut to Dr. Courtney Phelps, clinging onto her stethoscope as she turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]
Announcer: And Dr. Courtney Phelps, with the health watch.
[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer shuffling their papers at the news desk ]
[ cut to Stuart Tisdale munching on a bag of popcorn ]
Announcer: A movie review, from Stuart Tisdale.
[ cut to Craig Balderston crunching numbers on an adding machine ]
Announcer: Craig Balderston, the Market Watch.
[ cut to Evan Martin repairing the back of a giant robot and smiling for the camera ]
Announcer: Evan Martin’s Technology Report.
[ cut to Anne Hasenzahl holding up a dress and grinning at the camera ]
Announcer: Anne Hasenzahl, with the “Fashion Forecast.”
[ cut to sunglasses-clad Ernesto Diaz, who turns to smile at the camera and wave a Puerto Rican flag ]
Announcer: Ernesto Diaz, with a Puerto Rican round-up.
[ cut to Deborah Shea, holding up a lit birthday cake as she smiles at the camera ]
Announcer: Deborah Shea, with celebrity birthdays.
[ cut to Gary Stevens, holding a monkey against his chest and a parakeet cage in his left hand ]
Announcer: Gary Stevens, with parakeets and monkeys.
[ cut to Elliot Winslow, displaying a tray of gourmet food ]
Announcer: Elliot Winslow, the Budget Gourmet.
[ cut to demented-looking Jim Sizemore, holding a can of gasoline in one hand and a burnt clock in the other hand ]
Announcer: Jim Sizemore, with I’m Going to Burn Down A Clock Factory.
[ cut to bow tie-clad c, looking smart and stately as he glances at thecamera ]
Announcer: And Andrew Donnely, with a Washington Report.
[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer at the news desk ]
Hunt Linear: Good evening. I’m Hunt Linear. Tonight’s top story: a three-alarm fire rages through the Oakwood Street clock factory. This is the fourth clock factory that’s burned down this month, and police say they’re finally closing in on the arsonist. I say.. it’s about time! [ chuckles profusely ]
[ Jennifer Tuttle laughs along with Hunt Linear ]
[ Gifford McGill also laughs ]
[ Albert Jarmon also laughs ]
Dr. Courtney Phelps: [ wiping back a tear ] Good one!
[ Stuart Tisdale claps his hands as he laughs ]
[ Craig Balderston pounds the desk as he laughs ] “It’s about time!”
[ Evan Martin taps his wrench to his forehead as he chuckles ]
[ Anne Hasenzahl makes a delayed laugh ]
[ Ernesto Diaz still waving his flag ] Ha ha ha! That’s funny!
[ Deborah Shea makes a loud, monkey-like laugh ]
[ Gary Stevens laughs as he looks up and down at his monkey ]
[ Elliot Winslow snorts as he laughs ]
[ Jim Sizemore laughs maniacally as he sits in front of “I’m Going To Burn Down A Clock Factory” graphic ]
[ Andrew Donnely purses his lips in fear as he realizes Jim Sizemore is obviously the perpetrator, but gives in and laughs politely anyway ]
Hunt Linear: Oh my! We have to break for a commercial.
Jennifer Tuttle: Yes.
Hunt Linear: But, when we return, a live report from the burning clock factory from our Action News field team ]
[ each team member graphic slides onto the screen, overlapping one another ]
Announcer: Phyllis Stevenson and Arnie Subolski. And Randall Trent. And Alice Kendricks. And Melissa Boone. And Davis Chapnow. And Frankie Rodriguez. And Alexander Cantrell. And..
Voice of Director…..Seth Meyers Donald Trump…..Darrell Hammond
Director: Okay, Mr. Trump, I just need you to stand on your mark.
(Donald Trump enters, dressed as a slice of pizza)
Trump: Okay. We really have to crank this thing out Speedy Gonzalez style because tonight Melana and I are going to be photographed semi-nude in a bubble bath for Women’s World Magazine.
Director: That’s great, Mr. Trump. Now this is gonna be the tag for the end of your new Domino’s commercial.
Trump: The minute I mentioned cheeseburger pizza on The Apprentice, sales went through the roof. I’m talking millions and millions of dollars. Personally, I think it’s the highest quality of the low-quality pizzas.
Director: Alright. So, uh, let’s try shooting this.
Trump: I’d rather just try shooting this.
Director: Fair enough. And action!
Trump: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, say cheese burger pizza, only from Dominio’s.
Director: And cut. That was really good Mr. Trump. Except this time instead of Dominio’s, maybe say Domino’s, you know, like the game.
Trump: I’ll do that for you and that way you’ll have some choices to futz with in the tech booth.
Director: Thanks for that. Okay, so let’s just pick it up at, uh, at “Say Cheese”. And action!
Trump: Say cheese burger pizza only from Dominios, like the game.
Director: Cut. Okay that was great, except for-
Trump: That was great. Keep rolling because I’m gonna wing one now right off the cuff, Robin Williams style. And action. Geez Louise, I’m hungry. Hey wait – I’m a slice of cheeseburger pizza from Dominios, like the game. (Laughter. Pause.) Do do do doodoo, Dominios. The Apprentice.
Director: What? Cut, cut. Just cut.
Trump: Keep it rolling, I’m on a roll. And action. And knock knock. Who’s there? Cheeseburger pizza who? Dominicos, that’s who’s there. Well come on in to my belly. Okay that sounds delicious. It sure does. And freeze. (Trump freezes)
Director: Mr. Trump? Um, Mr Mr. Trump?
Trump: And unfreeze. I think we got it. This commercial is going to win a slew of Emmy’s.
Director: Yeah, okay, we don’t quite have it yet. Let’s just get this last bit where you say “Holy cow, I’m hungry for a cheesy crust pizza!” And action!
Trump: Cheezus Crust, I’m hungry!
Director: And, cut. Great, I think we’re good now. Happy?
Trump: I think we’re good. I really cranked this one out in record time. And as I predicted, it turned out pretty top notch.
Trump: Now, I’m off to a promo shoot. But first I’m gonna get one of those spray on tans. And Derek Jeter’s gonna be there
…..Amy Poehler …..Tina Fey …..Will Forte …..Patti Forte Ritchie B…..Fred Armisen Marcus…..Kenan Thompson
Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, its WeekendUpdate with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!
[cheers and applause]
Tina Fey: Hi, Im Tina Fey.
Amy Poehler: And Im Amy Poehler, and here are tonights top stories:
This week, British Prime Minister Tony Blair was reelected to arecord-setting third term as George Bushs bitch.
Tina Fey: Runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks, who faked her owndisappearance four days before her wedding, says she still intends tomarry her fiancée, and that she cannot wait to be called Mrs. JohnMason, as in Mrs. John Mason, we have some questions about yourhusbands murder. [imitating Jennifers wide-eyed stare] That ladylooks like me.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federlines new reality series will be calledBritney and Kevin: Chaotic, because somebody already used BeverlyHillbillies. [applause]
Amy Poehler:Us Weekly is reporting that Britney Spearschild will be a boy, or as Kevin Federline calls it, a boiiiieeeeee!!
Tina Fey: Now here with a special commentary on Mothers Day ismy second-favorite cast member, Will Forte!
[pan to Will; applause]
Will Forte: Thank you, Tina! Thank you. [clears his throat] Asyou all know, Mothers Day is tomorrow, and we here at Saturday NightLive would like to wish mothers everywhere a wonderful day. And on amore personal note, theres someone very special to me that Id like towish a happy Mothers Day, and she happens to be with us tonight, so ifyou dont mind, Id like to bring her out. [looks to his right] Mom?
[Mrs. Patti Forte enters to cheers and applause. She waves to Amy andTina. Will puts his arm around her shoulder]
Amy Poehler: Hi, Mrs. Forte!
Tina Fey: Good to see you!
Will Forte: Mom, uh, you know, in life they say you cant pickyour mother, but if I could pick my mother, I would definitely pick you.
Patti Forte: Oh, thank you! [awws from the audience]
Will Forte: And I- I wrote you a special Mothers Day song. Sojust sit back, relax, and allow me to- to honor the best mother in theentire world. [piano intro begins]
Mom, you are a truly special lady. Youre the best mother a mother could be. Youre smart, youre pretty, youre an absolute joy, And Im really gonna miss you, when youre dead.
[Patti gives Will a puzzled look]
Mom, Im gonna miss you when youre dead. Weve had such a wonderful life together. And when that grim reaper comes to take you away, There will be nothing I can do, to stop him.
I will cry an endless stream of tears over your coffin, Which will be the cheapest coffin money can buy
[aside] Cause youre not materialistic, and thats what I love about you
And when we cover you in dirt, never to return, I will think fondly as were selling your crap.
[Patti is clearly confused at this point]
Oh Mom, Im gonna miss you when youre dead. You were one hell of a chick to grow inside of! I wish I had told you that I loved you before you died, But I guess Ill never have that chance.
Happy Mothers Day!
Patti Forte: [still bewildered] Thanks.
Tina Fey: Will and Patti Forte, everybody! [Will and Patti hug to cheers and applause] Will and Patti Forte.
Amy Poehler: In order to help police manage aggressive begging in Minneapolis, officials are attempting to license panhandlers in thecity, although anyone who has it together enough to get a panhandling license, should probably just get a job.
Tina Fey: California Governor Arnold Schwarzeneggers popularityhas been slipping in recent months, as residents slowly begin to realize they elected Arnold Schwarzenegger to be their governor.
Amy Poehler: It was reported that while vacationing together inKenya, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie made so much noise while makinglove, the hotel staff rushed to the room because it sounded like awounded animal. OK, we get it, Angelina Jolie, youre betterthan every woman at everything! Youre prettier, youre sexier,youre covered in exotic tattoos.
But let me tell you something, Jolie: I will find your weakness, OK? And when I do, Im gonna climb up those legs of yours, and Im gonnaslap that queen-size futon you call a mouth. [cheers and applause] Letme ask you this, Jolie: Did you ever win Burlington, MassachusettsBabysitter of the Month? Whats that? No? Cause I did, socall me when you do, hotshot! Back to you, Tina. [more applause]
Tina Fey: Uh, this just in: Angelina Jolie has been namedBurlington, Massachusetts Babysitter of the Month. [applause]
Amy Poehler: Dammit!
Tina Fey: Last week, Insider host Pat O Brien took part in aprimetime interview on CBS with Dr. Phil, to discuss his recent stay inrehab for drug and alcohol problems. The program was later rebroadcaston FOX as The Worlds Most Dangerous Moustaches.
Amy Poehler: In a show of support on Wednesday nights program,five American Idol finalists presented Paula Abdul with two hugebouquets of flowers. And it worked: she slept with all of them!
Tina Fey: New images taken of an object five times the mass ofJupiter confirmed that it is a giant planet closely orbiting a distantstar, and not, as I first reported, yo mama. I apologize.
Amy Poehler: Here with his humorous take on the world is a manwho as is funny as he is in- inspiring. Please join me in welcomingdeaf comedian Ritchie B, and his interpreter, Marcus.
[pan to Ritchie B and Marcus. Applause. Ritchie begins to sign]
Marcus: [watching Ritchie B] Uh, whats up, New York, lets hearyou make some noise!
[cheers and applause]
Oh, come on, youve got to do better than that, Im deaf! [Moreapplause. Marcus speaks to Ritchie B] Good job, man! Really good job,youre doing great.
[Ritchie B beams. After a moment, he starts signing again]
So my girlfriend just broke up with me. She said I wasnt listening toher needs. I said, How can I? Im deaf! [Less reaction fromaudience. Marcus indicates that the joke didnt go so well. Ritchie Bsigns again]
Whats in the news? Hmm I see that the crime rate is going up. Youknow how to stop black people from doing crime? [Ritchie B continues tosign] Throw them a basketball.
[Marcus gives Ritchie B a disappointed look] Hey, hey Ritchie. Thatsnot cool. Not cool. [Ritchie B signs again] What else? Uh, did youhear that Chanel just came out with a new fragrance for black people?
[After a few seconds of excited grinning, Ritchie B starts to mimiceating a watermelon. Applause. Marcus taps Ritchie B on the shoulder] Hey! No way, Im not saying that! Thats terrible! Now do one morejoke, and then well go.
[Ritchie B signs] Why do black people love [Ritchie B is clearlymimicking a black person. Marcus gives up] Alright, you know what? Im not gonna say this one, but I do have a joke for you: Ritchie Bsjohnson is so small, technically its a third nipple. [to Ritchie B] Great job! They love you, man. Give it up, Ritchie B!
Amy Poehler: Ritchie B and Marcus, everybody! [Cheers andapplause. Ritchie B mouths Thank you]
Tina Fey: The man who inspired Seinfelds Soup Nazicharacter is looking to open a thousand soup franchises nationwide. Way to strike while the iron is hot, dude!
Amy Poehler: A school superintendent in Michigan banned theMcCord Middle School Band from performing the song Louie, Louie,because of its allegedly raunchy lyrics. The superintendent has alsobanned the clarinet, because it just dont look right.
Nike announced that it will no longer sell its sneakers and othermerchandise at Sears. Fortunately, Sears will continue to carry all the other tope brands, like Apidas, Reebork, BlueBalance, and of course, Bobos.
[Piano intro starts as Tina and Amy get up to sing and dance. Amyclimbs on top of her chair]
Tina, Amy:Bobosthey make your feet feel fine! Bobosthey cost a dollar ninety-nine! Bobostheyre made by hobos! So get your hobos their Bobos, todayyyy!
[cheers and applause; Tina and Amy return to their seats]
Tina Fey: A student at MIT is planning to host a time-travelerparty on campus, and is hoping that people from the future will travelback for the event. Unfortunately, people in the future already knowthat the party sucked. [some applause]
Amy Poehler: An anti-wrinkle facial moisturizer that is made outof semen, is being produced in Mexico. [chuckles] Mexico, huh? God only knows whats in it! …Oh right, semen.
The moisturizer will be used to make more moisturizer. [Delayed reaction from audience]
Tina Fey: Remember, uh, tomorrow is
Amy Poehler: Theyre getting it!
Tina Fey: Its a thinker.
Remember, tomorrow is Mothers Day, so dont forget to TiVo the rest ofthe show while you go online and look for crappy flowers.
And, uh, finally tonight, on a serious note, Weekend Update foundingeditor Herb Sargent passed away this week. Uh, here he is with ChevyChase, back in the day. [photo of Herb on the original Update set]
Amy Poehler: All of us, well miss you very much, Herb.
Tina Fey: We wouldnt be here without you.
Amy Poehler: For Weekend Update, Im Amy Poehler.
Tina Fey: Im Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy turn to converse with each other; fade]
Will Ferrell’s MonologueSummary: Will Ferrell admits he’s nervous about hosting, then sings “On A Clear Day You Can See Forever”, makes odd banter with an audience member (Steve Higgins), and finally pees his pants.
Para Tri-CyclenSummary: The perfect birth control pill for the excessively sexually-active woman (Amy Poehler) on the run.
Artsy ApartmentSummary: Troubled by the leak coming from above their basement apartment, tenants Greg (Seth Meyers) and Susan (Rachel Dratch) meet their strange upstairs neighbors Nuni (Fred Armisen), Nuni (Maya Rudolph) and their son Nuni (Will Ferrell).
Recurring Characters: Nuni, Nuni, Tato.
Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”Bio: members: Josh Homme, Joey Castillo, Alain Johannes, Van Leeuwan, Mark Lanegan. Homme was a former member of stoner rock group, Kyuss, which reformed as the original incarnation of Queens of the Stone Age.
Note: Will Ferrell reprises his one-time role as Gene Frenkle, who joins Queens of the Stone Age on cowbell.
Grind!Summary: When a college student (Will Ferrell) decides to quit his studies to work full-time as a waiter, Dr. Roberts (Will Forte) decides to show him what discipline and hard work is all about by making him grind pepper non-stop over his dinner salad.
TV FunhouseSummary: Robert Smigel parodies “Shazzan”, another old cartoon from the Hanna-Barbara series. After rescuing the Flaming Ruby of Taruba, Shazzang goes overboard destroying the Arabian enemy, even beyond the point of death, and ultimately disturbing the children who held his power in awe.
Goulet Ring TonesSummary: Robert Goulet (Will Ferrell) finds a new niche for his singing talents, lending his voice to cell phone ring tones.
Recurring Characters: Robert Goulet.
Going 2 C MoviesSummary: Terrye Funck (Chris Parnell) and Vasquez (Horatio Sanz) team up to give movie reviews. Their friend Levi (Will Ferrell) stops by to give them leftover videotapes from the movie rental store he works at.
Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”Lyrics
LuxurySummary: Eccentrically dressed in an eyepatch, a man claiming to be a Jaguar voiceover man and a spy for the Swiss government (Will Ferrell) hits on an exotic woman (Maya Rudolph) in a bar, presuming her to be his contact.
Love-ahsSummary: Professors Roger (Will Ferrell) and Virginia (Rachel Dratch) go camping in the wild with two of their students (Seth Meyers, Maya Rudolph) and only one tent and sleeping bag betwixt them.
Recurring Characters: Roger Klarvin, Virginia Klarvin.
Variety VaultSummary: Another presentation of an unaired “Lundford Twins (Fred Armisen, Will Ferrell) Feel Good Variety Hour” from decades past.
Recurring Characters: Henry Quincy Lundford, Lucas Lundford, Granny Crabtree.
Mexican FiestaSummary: Pitchman (Fred Armisen) promotes a Mexican spice that turns taco eaters into offensive Mexican stereotypes.
Bear CitySummary: Bears ride in an elevator.
Haunted HouseSummary: Teenagers (Fred Armisen, Rachel Dratch, Jason Sudeikis, Seth Meyers) visit a haunted house just so they can mock the crappy belongings left behind by the geeky ghost (Will Ferrell) living there.
Restraining OrderSummary: In a short film by Scott Wainio, a man (Scott Wainio) receives a restraining order.
Marvin Linder, Attorney-at-LawSummary: Attorney Marvin Linder (Will Ferrell) specializes in defenses cases for people who find weird objects in their food.
written by: Robert Smigel, Louis CK, Dino Stamatopoulas
[ bumper of Will Ferrell is ripped apart by a cartoon dog, who is in turned chased by a cartoon Lorne Michaels ]
Lorne Michaels: Come back here with my show!
[ adissolve to a boy and girl running from a wizard on a flying carpet in ancient Egypt. As a last resort, the boy and girl press two halves of aring together to spell “Shazzang.” Like magic, the giant genie appears and swats the wizard away like a fly. ]
[ zoom on Shazzang as a flying camel appears. Shazzang turns to face the camera. ]
[ dissolve to title card: “Shazzang! in The Flaming Ruby of Taruba.” ]
[ dissolve to the boy and girl about to be crushed by two walls closing in on them ]
[ an evil Raja holds up the Flaming Ruby of Taruba and gives a maniacal laugh ]
Raja: At last! The Flaming Ruby of Taruba is mine!
Boy: Looks like that time, Nancy..
[ they press their rings together ]
[ Shazzang suddenly appears, and pushes the walls apart, crumbling them into dust ]
Raja: Your genie cannot stop me. [ fires an arrow from a bow at Shazzang ]
[ Shazzang swats at the arrow, which riccochets back to the Egyptian and pins him to a brick wall ]
Shazzang: Someone’s hung out to dry!
[ Shazzang uses his magic powers to zap the Egyptian towards him. Shazzang then rolls the Egyptian into a ball and proceeds to juggle him ]
Behold, children, my juggling act!
Boy: That’s some trick!
[ Shazzang sticks a spear through the Raja and uses him as a mop upon the desert floor ]
Shazzang: Time to clean up your mess, Raja!
[ Shazzang holds the Raja by the neck, piches his mouth open and holds a bottle of ammonia in front of him ]
Shazzang: Open wide! [ sprays ammonia into the Raja’s mouth ]
[ the kids watch with surprise, but trust Shazzang’s instincts. The Raja coughs up blood. ]
Shazzang: Ho ha ha! Look, Mom – no cavities!
Boy: Looks like you got him, Shazzang.
[ Shazzang pulls on the Raja’s tongue ]
Shazzang: Cat got your tongue?
[ Shazzang slices the Raja’s elongated tongue in half with his fingernail. The kids are now horrified. ]
[ Shazzang shoots lasers out of his eyes, which tear the upper flesh off the Raja ]
Shazzang: Give me some skin!
Nancy: [ uneasily ] Um.. you sure saved us, Shazzang..
Boy: And now it’s over..
[ Shazzang use his pwers to create ahainsaw made of smoke, which slices off one of the Raja’s legs. Shazzang laughs at this, turns uses his powers to turn the amputaed leg into a drumstick. ]
Shazzang: Who wants the drumstick?
[ Shazzang shoves the drumstick into the Raja’s mouth, as the kids and the flying camel look on in expanded horror ]
[ Shazzang now has the Raja tied to a stake in the ground ]
Shazzang: If only Mom could see you!
[ Shazzang zaps a spot on the ground, where the Raja’s crying mom appears. Shazzang kicks her in the gut, and she doubles over and pukes. Shazzang zaps the puke, and turns it into a groups of rats, which immediately run over to chew on the Raja’s mom. ]
Shazzang: Ho ho ho! I smell a rat!
Boy: We gotta go..
[ Shazzang is now chopping the Raja into slices over a picnic tablecloth. Some of the Raja pieces are already in between slices of bread. ]
Shazzang: You’ll miss the picnic!
[ the kids sigh ]
Shazzang: Soup’s on!
[ timeframe cut to Shazzam taking a crap ]
Shazzang: Nature calls!
[ timeframe cut to Shazzam watching a weed grow out of the ground ]
Shazzang: Ho ho ho ho! You’re fertilizer now!
[ Shazzang feeds the weed to a cow, then proceeds to punch the cow repeatedly in the face, to the point where the cow takes multiple craps in fear ]
Nancy: Shazzang! What are you doing?
Shazzang: [ as he continues to mutilate the cow ] Gotta.. please.. my dad.. [ his maniacal laughter quickly turns into sobbing cries ]
Boy: [ stunned ] Wow.
Shazzang: [ still crying and pounding on the scattered cow feces ] Am I good enough yet?!
Waiter…..Will Ferrell Dr. Roberts…..Will Forte Mrs. Roberts…..Rachel Dratch
[ open on exterior, ritzy restaurant; dissolve to Dr. & Mrs. Roberts’ dinner table, as their waiter approaches ]
Waiter: Hello, have you decided – oh! Dr. and Mrs. Roberts! How are you?
Dr. Roberts: Kevin! Hello, Kevin, what a nice surprise. Are you one for the semester?
Waiter: Uh.. yes. Yes. So, how’s John, uh, doing at Yale? I haven’t talked to him in a long time.
Dr. Roberts: He’s doing just great! How do you like Stanford?
Waiter: Oh, it’s been fun. You know, lots of work. To be honest, I’m taking a little time off.
Msr. Roberts: Oh! Time off for what?
Waiter: Well, I’m thinking about dropping out. You know, maybe working here full-time.
Dr. Roberts: But you’ve worked so hard.
Waiter: Well, not hard enough, apparently. I just.. can’t seem to keep up.
Dr. Roberts: Can’t? Or won’t?
Waiter: Well, I assure you, Dr. Roberts, I’m working as hard as I can.
Dr. Roberts: Well, sometimes we don’t know just how hard we can work until we push ourselves.
Mrs. Roberts: [ whispers ] Lewis.
Dr. Roberts: [ whispers ] What?
Mrs. Roberts: We’ll take two dinner salads to start.
Waiter: Okay, sure.
[ Waiter exits scene ]
Mrs. Roberts: You’re not his father, Lewis!
Dr. Roberts: Well, if I were his father, he wouldn’t be such a coward.
Mrs. Roberts: I don’t know why you always have to do this!
Dr. Roberts: I’m just trying to help him, is that so bad?
Mrs. Roberts: No! But can we just enjoy our meal?
Dr. Roberts: Fine. [ a beat ] Happy Anniversary.
[ the Waiter returns with two salad plates ]
Waiter: Okay, here we go. Two dinner salads. Pepper, Mrs. Roberts.
Mrs. Roberts: Oh. Sure.
Waiter: Say when. [ begins to grind pepper into her salad ]
Mrs. Roberts: That’s good. Thank you.
Waiter: Okay. [stops grinding ] Dr. Roberts?
Dr. Roberts: Sure.
Waiter: Say when.
[ Waiter makes about twelve twists of the pepper grinder ]
Waiter: Say when, sir.
Dr. Roberts: I will.
[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, trying to maintain his dignity about the situation ]
Waiter: Sir, it is our policy to keep grinding until the customer says to stop. You’ll have to tell me to stop.
Dr. Roberts: I will – when.. I’ve had.. enough.
[ Waiter makes sixteen more twists of the pepper grinder, and begins to look like he’s running out of breath ]
Waiter: Sir.. my arm is starting to burn.
Mrs. Roberts: Lewis, that’s enough!
Dr. Roberts: [ yelling ] Stay out of this, Jamie! This is between ME and THE BOY!!
Waiter: [ in obvious pain ] I can’t lose this job, sir..
Dr. Roberts: Then keep grinding!!
Waiter: Oh, God, the pain..!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND, son, GRIND!!
Waiter: Oh, God, oh God, it burns..!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!
Waiter: Please, sir, please!!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND IT!!
Dr. Roberts: GRIND!!
Mrs. Roberts: Stop this, Lewis!
Dr. Roberts: Enough from you, Woman!!
Waiter: I’m going down!!
Dr. Roberts: Grind it!!
[ the back-and-forth screaming between Dr. Roberts and the Waiter continues, as the excitement builds to its breaking point, with Dr. Roberts yelling statements like “Twist it harder!” and “Never give up!” as the Waiter experiences pain and agony. Mrs. Roberts is in tears. ]
Dr. Roberts: Grind! Grind! Grind! [ a beat ] That’s fine, stop. That’s good.
Waiter: [ collapses onto his knees ] I’m so scared..
Dr. Roberts: No, son, you’re just fine. Now, you go back to Stanford, and you show them what hard work really is.
Waiter: Thank you, sir.. thank you. If there’s anything I can ever do for you.. you let me know.