Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 30: Episode 1
Soccer Mom #1…..Rachel Dratch
Soccer Mom #2…..Amy Poehler
Young Man…..Ben Affleck
Business Man…..Chris Parnell
Hospital Employee…..Horatio Sanz
Fireman #1…..Will Forte
Fireman #2…..Rob Riggle
[open on exterior of a shopping mall with title: “Woodfield Mall, Schaumburgh, Illinois”] [dissolve to interior, with six people standing on a descending elevator while pleasant muzak plays]
Soccer Mom #1: You know, I want to stop by Nine West on the way out.
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, yeah, they’re having a great sale this week.
Soccer Mom #1: I could really use some new mules.
Soccer Mom #2: That would be great.[escalator stops moving and muzak stops]
Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God. What’s going on?
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, the escalator stopped.
Young Man: All right, everybody just calm down.
Business Man: Excuse me, but what’s going on.
Young Man: We’re stuck between floors.
Hospital Employee: Isn’t there a button we can press, or something?
Soccer Mom #2: Don’t worry everybody; I have my cell phone. I’ll just call–Damn it! I’m not getting any cell phone reception!
Soccer Mom #1: Oh, my God! We’re trapped![dramatic music plays]
Young Man: All right. Just relax, everybody. I’m sure someone’s notice the elevator stopped, and we’ll be moving in no time.
Maria: ¿Qué es el problema?
Business Man: The problem? Ah, we’re suck.
Business Man: Oh, great. Does anybody here speak Spanish?
Hospital Employee: Look, we can’t be stuck. [holds up a cooler] I gotta get this kidney to the hospital in twenty minutes!
Business Man: And I’ve got a huge business presentation that my job depends on, so how about that?!
Soccer Mom #2: I have children that depend on me![all shouting]
Soccer Mom #1: I can’t breathe! [Young Man walks carefully down to just below the two soccer moms] I can’t breathe!
Young Man: Lady, calm down! Calm down! [slaps Soccer Mom #1] [Young Man shouts in frustration, startling everybody] [Maria cries out in pain, clutching her stomach, and we can see that she is pregnant]
Hospital Employee: Hey, guys, I think this lady’s going into labor!
Business Man: Help! Can anyone hear me?![all shouting for help]
Young Man: Look, screaming isn’t going to do us any good. Does anyone have a rope or a grappling hook?
Maria: ¡Mi bebé está viniendo ahora! ¡Ahora!
Soccer Mom #1: Would somebody shut her up?! Shut up! Just shut up!
Young Man: Quiet! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]
Business Man: I’ve been taking the stairs for fifteen years! “Save a little time. Take the escalator.” Idiot! Idiot!
Hospital Employee: Oh, boy, this kidney isn’t looking so hot. I hope Senator Williams can hold on for three more hours.
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, my God. I’m so scared.
Young Man: Don’t be scared. I’m going to get you out of here, I promise.
Soccer Mom #2: You promise? [puts her hand on Young Man’s cheek]
Young Man: Cross my heart and hope to–
Soccer Mom #2: [puts her hand on Young Man’s mouth] Shhhhh, don’t say it. Just show it.[Young Man and Soccer Mom #2 kiss] [the escalator jars suddenly, and everybody shouts]
Business Man: Okay, I have to get out of here, now!
Hospital Employee: I’m gonna be in trouble. Why was I shopping with this thing, anyway?
Business Man: Who cares about your damn kidney?!
Soccer Mom #1: Shut up! Everybody just shut up!
Young Man: Damn it! [slaps Soccer Mom #1]
Business Man: That’s it! I’m getting out of here!
Young Man: No, everyone stay put!
Business Man: Why? So we can watch each other die?! Forget it! Forget you! See you later, suckers! [jumps off the side of the escalator] [all shouting]
Soccer Mom #1: Nooooo!!!!!
Young Man: That was stupid, stupid, stupid.[Maria cries out in pain]
Hospital Employee: Oh, no! Something’s poking out down there![Maria’s breathing is strained]
Hospital Employee: Just breathe. Just breathe. In and out.
Young Man: All right, I’m going up there.
Soccer Mom #2: Sweetheart, be careful.
Young Man: I’ll be fine. You just take care of you.
Soccer Mom #2: I love you.
Young Man: I love you. [turns towards the top of the escalator] All right. [struggles to climb to where Maria is standing]
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, God. Be careful.
Hospital Employee: Are you a doctor?
Young Man: I am now. ¿Cómo te llama?
Young Man: Maria, hola. ¿Cómo estas?
Maria: ¿Muy bien, gracias, y tu?
Young Man: Muy bien, muy bien. [speaks additionally in Spanish]
Maria: Okay.[Young man says one word in Spanish, and Maria begins pushing and grunting loudly]
Young Man: Push! Push! Come on Maria! [lifts up the baby]
Hospital Employee: It’s a boy! A baby boy!
Pilot: [voice from above] Hello! Can anyone hear me?![all shouting]
Soccer Mom #1: We’re stuck down here! Hurry, please! Augh!
Pilot: [voice from above] Don’t worry, we’re sending someone down to get you out of there.
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God![a rope is thrown down from above, and Fireman #1 descends into frame]
Fireman #1: Did anyone call for a rescue? [the rope suddenly catches] Oh, God, no! [he falls]
Young Man: Is that the best you can do?! Is that the best you can do?! Come and get me, God! I’m here!
Soccer Mom #1: We’re all gonna die!
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, shut up! [backhands Soccer Mom #1] Wait a minute! Look! [points towards the bottom of the escalator] Oh!
Fireman #2: [walking upwards from below] I found a way out. You’re all gonna be safe. Just follow me.
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Everybody, quickly, quickly.[Fireman #2 takes Soccer Mom #1’s hand and escorts her down, followed by Maria and Hospital Employee, who begins to drop his cooler]
Soccer Mom #2: Oh, watch out for the–watch out for the kidney.[dramatic music turns into a romantic melody]
Young Man: What are you doing for the next forty-five years of your life?
Soccer Mom #2: I’m married.
Young Man: Oh. What are you doing for the next four to five minutes of your life?
Soccer Mom #2: Having sex with you in the back seat of my Honda Odyssey.
Young Man: I had a feeling. Come on! [picks up Soccer Mom #2 and carries her, piggyback, down the escalator] [Music out: “Morning After” by Maureen McGovern (from “The Poseiden Adventure”)] [title: “The End”] [fade to black]
Submitted by: DavidK93