SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Short and Curly

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 2

04b: Queen Latifah

Short and Curly

Greg….Seth Meyers
Greg’s Friend….Will Forte
Naked Guy…..Chris Parnell
Color-treated guy….Fred Armisen
Impressed man….Rob Riggle
Black Guy….Finesse Mitchell

[Opens with gym’s bathroom. Two friends look in themirror after a shower, towels around their waist.]

Greg’s Friend: Hey, Greg! What’s up?

Greg: Nothing.[ A vain look on his face]

Greg’s Friend: You look…different.

Greg: Really?

Greg’s Friend: Yeah, did you lose weight?

Greg: Nope.

Greg’s Friend: Did you change your hair?

Greg: You could say that.

[Opens up his towel and his friend looks down on his crotch]

Greg’s Friend: Greg, your pubes look fantastic!

Greg: Tell me about it.

Greg’s Friend: How’d you do it?

Greg: Oh, I don’t know…

[Gives him a bottle of shampoo. Its called Short andCurly. Daily thickening. 2-1 shampoo and conditioner.For male pubic hair]

Greg’s Friend: Short and Curly. A pubic shampoo. Does it work?

Greg: Uh, you tell me.

[Greg stands completely naked. His genitals arepixeled. A group of friends gather around and take alook at his crotch. A naked guy joins them with histowel wrapped around his neck.]

Naked Guy: What’s up, bros? [Looks down at Greg’sgenitals] Holy crud, Greg! Your pubes look awesome.

Greg’s Friend: Check it out.

[Gives naked guy the shampoo bottle. Close up of thebottle blocks the pixeled genitals]

Naked Guy: Short and curly. Huh, I didn’t know theymade shampoo for pubic hair.

Greg: Yeah, it works for all kind of pubic hair.

Color-treated Guy: Even color-treated pubic hair?

[Animation sequence shows the pubic hair being washedwith the shampoo. Pubes bounce and shine more]

Announcer: Short and Curly is specifically formulated to repair the damage caused by brushing and blow drying so your short and curlies will be shorter, fuller, shinier, curlier with more body and extra sheen. And don’t forget about Short, Dark, Curly and Lovely.

[Bottle of S&C and SDCL]

Black Guy: But that, my friends, is strictly for the brothers.

[Black guy opens up his towel and shows his pixeledgenitals. The white dudes stare with open mouths,clearly impressed with the black guy’s penis size.]

Greg’s Friend: [stunned]You look….great.

Black Guy: That’s the special no-lie relaxer.

Greg: [lying to himself] Yeah, that’s what it is.

[Bottles of Shampoo]

Announcer: New Short and Curly and Short, Dark, Curly,and Lovely available at fine pubic salons everywhere.

Naked Guy: Short and Curly. I’m going to pick some upon my way home.[smiles] [fade] [Cheers and applause]

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Queen Latifah: 10/09/04: Dangerfield Tribute

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 2

04b: Queen Latifah

Dangerfield Tribute

St. Peter…..Horatio Sanz
Rodney Dangerfield…..Darrell Hammond

[ open on the Pearly Gates of Heaven, St. Peter standing at the podium as Rodney Dangerfield attempts to walk past ]

St. Peter: Can I have your name?

[ Dangerfield stops in front of a microphone ]

Rodney Dangerfield: Rodney. Rodney Dangerfield, alright? I’ll tell ya’, what a cloud! What a cloud, okay?

St. Peter: Can you tell me, uh.. how was your childhood?

Rodney Dangerfield: Oh, I tell ya’, I had a rough childhood, alright? When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot – but I always found ’em. I’ll tell ya’, I got no respect as a kid. I worked in a pet store; people kept asking how big I would get!

St. Peter: Did you have any pets?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had a dog. Apparently, his favorite bone was in my arm!

St. Peter: How was your luck with the ladies?

Rodney Dangerfield: I had no luck with women, alright? I went to my doctor; you know my doctor – Dr. Bid a Boom Ba. Yeah, I told him I think my wife has VD, he gave himself a penicillin shot!

St. Peter: Were you married?

Rodney Dangerfield: Yeah, but I haven’t spoken to my wife in years – I didn’t want to interrupt her!

St. Peter: Was she a good cook?

Rodney Dangerfield: She can’t cook! She’s the worst cook in the world, alright? The other night, she fixed alphabet soup – it spelled out “Help!” Are you kidding? What a lousy cook! I mena, how can toast have bones?

St. Peter: Was your wife an intelligent woman?

Rodney Dangerfield: Are you kidding? My wife’s not smart, you know? She used to reach inside her bra to count to two.

St. Peter: Rodney, how was your sex life?

Rodney Dangerfield: I got no sex life! The only time my wife makes love to me, there’s always a reason for it! Now, one night she used me to time an egg. I’ll tell ya’, that’s the story of my life – I get no respect! I get no respect at all, alright? So, whattaya say, St. Peter, do I get in or what?

St. Peter: Of course, you do.

Rodney Dangerfield: Then, what’s with all the questions?

St. Peter: [ solemnly ] I just wanted to hear those jokes one more time.

Rodney Dangerfield: Finally! A little respect!

St. Peter: Come on in.

[ Dangerfield enters through the gates, angelic harmony rises ] [ dissolve to stand-up image of Rodney Dangerfield with the inscription: “We’ll miss you. Rodney Dangerfield 1921-2004” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts