SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will’s Thoughts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will’s Thoughts

…..Will Ferrell
…..Tina Fey
…..Chris Parnell
…..Amy Poehler
…..Finesse Mitchell
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Lorne Michaels

[ open on backstage hallway at Studio 8-H. Taking her cue, Tina Fey begins walking down the hall as she clutches her bottled water and pretends to read from this week’s script. ]

Will Ferrell: Hey, Tina. How close are we to air?

Tina Fey: Oh, about ten minutes, but, uh.. Jen will come get you.

Will Ferrell: Thank God. Isn’t it weird, me being in the host’s dressing room?

Tina Fey: [ laughs condescendingly ] Don’t be nervous, it’s gonna be great! [ continues walking down the hall ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Don’t be nervous? What the hell does that mean? How about: “No, Will, it’s not weird at all. You’re a big star now.” Dumb bitch!

[ Will walks down the hall, running into Chris Parnell ]

Chris Parnell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Hey.

Chris Parnell: I found this old picture of us from the Cowbell sketch, and I got it framed for you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, man, what is this guy’s name? I worked with him for five years..

Chris Parnell: I like it because we all look so serious in it, you know?

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Lance?

Will Ferrell: [ laughs ] That’s true!

Chris Parnell: Yeah.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dick? Glen. Maybe it’s Glen.

Chris Parnell: Well, it’s just great to see you again.

Will Ferrell: Hey. You too, chief.

[ they hug. Parnell exits in one direction down the hall, and Will exits in the other direction. ]

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Whoo! Nice save. Lance did not suspect a thing.

[ Will runs into Amy Poehler ]

Amy Poehler: Hey! Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey.

Amy Poehler: I saw “Kicking & Screaming.” It was great. Mike Ditka was hilarious!

Will Ferrell: Yeah, yeah, he was great.

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Huh? Let me remember – was Mike Ditka in the cast with you? Because I was, and I don’t seem to remember getting a part in that movie.

Will Ferrell: Well, thanks again. I’m really sorry you got cut out of “Anchorman.” You know, that’s the director’s decision.

Amy Poehler: Oh, my God. Don’t worry about it!

Amy Poehler’s Thoughts: Suck on it, Ron Burgundy!

Amy Poehler: Break a leg.

Will Ferrell: Okay.

[ Amy exits down the hall, as Will prepares a cup of coffee ]

[ Finesse Mitchell steps forward ]

Finesse Mitchell: Hey, Will.

Will Ferrell: Oh, hey, what’s up?

Finesse Mitchell: Not much. Listen, I saw in Entertainment Weekly —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: This is Finesse, do not call him Kenan!

Finesse Mitchell: I said, I saw in Entertainment Weekly that you just did a movie with Nicole Kidman.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Finesse Mitchell: Well, you know, since you’re married and I’m not, I was just wondering if it would be cool if I asked you for Nicole’s number?

Will Ferrell: Oh, totally. It’s, uh.. it’s 310 —

Finesse Mitchell: 310 —

Will Ferrell: 555 —

Finesse Mitchell: 555 —

Will Ferrell: 0123456789..

Finesse Mitchell: That’s too many digits.

Will Ferrell: No, no, no. Movie stars get special —

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: They get longer phone numbers.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: Because, when you’re famous, you want it to be harder for people to call you.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Finesse, not Kenan.

Will Ferrell: I’ll see you out there, Kenan.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Dammit!

[ Will exits down the hall, as Finesse pays $5 to a happy Kenan Thompson ]

Kenan Thompson: See, I told you he ain’t know the difference!

[ as Will exits down the hall, he’s approached on the opposite end by Lorne Michaels ]

Lorne Michaels: Will! Will! Will.

[ Will quickly turns back in the direction he came from, a look of horror on his face ]

Lorne Michaels: How are you?

Will Ferrell: Oh.. uh.. great.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Oh, brother.. this guy.

Lorne Michaels: You know, hosting for the first time after being in the cast can feel a litle weird.

Will Ferrell: Uh-huh.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: There he goes.

Lorne Michaels: I remember the first time that Chevy came back, things were tense.

Will Ferrell: Right, right..

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not gonna stop talking.

Lorne Michaels: But, on the second time there was enough distance.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: He is not going to stop.

Lorne Michaels: I think even Spade found it awkward the first time he did it.

Will Ferrell’s Thoughts: Must find a way out of this conversation..

Lorne Michaels: Because you feel that no one wants you to succeed, but they really do.

Will Ferrell: Oh, uh.. hey, Lorne – look! [ points behind Lorne ]

[ Lorne turns to look, as Will leans toward the camera ]

Will Ferrell: “Live, from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Little Italy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Little Italy

Mafia Boss….Horatio Sanz
Mafia Mistress….Lindsay Lohan
Poker Wiseguy….Rob Riggle
Silent Wiseguy….Will Forte
Couch Wiseguy….Jason Sudeikis
Cappuccino Wiseguy….Fred Armisen
Watching TV Wiseguy….Chris Parnell
Mafia Mama….Rachel Dratch
Mafia Papa….Darrell Hammond

[Opens with a shot of a nightclub]

Caption: Little Italy, New York

[Cut to inside the club. A bunch of Italian mafia wiseguys hanging out in their social club. The Mafia Boss plays poker in a table. The others mingle around, one is by the cappuccino machine, another watches TV, another sits on a couch. Italian music plays.]

Mafia Boss: ….so I says to him: “That’s why Italians put plastic on the furniture, its easier to clean after you whack somebody” Owww!!

[Wiseguys laugh]

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, boss. How’s your girlfriend, huh? Is she still giving you trouble?

Mafia Boss: Oww, I think I have a control of my goomar situation. I told her: “Hey, I’m going to my son’s birthday party”.

[A trashy looking woman enters the club mad as hell]

Mafia Mistress: Your son’s birthday, huh?!! [slams the door shut]

Mafia Boss: What are you doing here?

Mafia Mistress: Tonight was our anniversary of the first time you cheated on your wife!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, calm down. Ow, I had to take care of business.

Mafia Mistress: Business?!! Like what, huh?! Play poker with your stupid friends?!! I’ll give you poker!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs the whole stack of chips and crashes it onto the Wiseguy playing poker’s head]


All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: Baby, please!

Mafia Mistress: Don’t baby me!! I gotta hear all over town that you’re out grocery shopping and running errands with that whore!!!

[Mafia Mistress walks over to a wiseguy watching TV and having a drink. She grabs the TV and smashes it on the floor]


Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was watching that.

[Then she smashes his drink on the floor]

[glass shatters]

Watching TV Wiseguy: Great. I was drinking that.

Mafia Boss: She’s the mother of my children!

Mafia Mistress: Oh! Mother of your children?!! So, what am I?!! Some cheap bimbo?!!

[Mafia Mistress grabs a trophy and throws it into a glass table smashing it to pieces]

[glass shatters]

All in the club: WHOOOOAH!!!

Mafia Boss: We had to beat 400 families to win that thing! What’s the matta’ with ya’?!

Mafia Mistress: Oh, I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me!

[Mafia Mistress goes over to a cappuccino machine]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: Oh, sweetie, let me get a cappuccino first. [She grabs the cappuccino machine and throws it out the glass window] No! No! For what?!!

[glass shatters, car alarm goes off]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Watching TV wiseguy: Got your car, boss.

Mafia Boss: Yeah. [turns off the alarm with a beep]

[The Mafia Boss’s parents appear on the shattered window speaking angry Italian]

Mafia Mama: Hey! Hey! [Italian words]

Mafia Papa: Ow!

Mafia Boss: I’m sorry. We’re just having a little friendly argument.

Mafia Mama: OK. [leaves]

Mafia Papa: OK. Take care. [leaves]

Mafia Mistress: Look, I want you to treat me with respect, OK?! Just because you pay my rent in exchange for sex that doesn’t mean that I’m your whore!! [Mafia Mistress goes over to a big clock by the door] Somebody give me a hand with this!

[Poker Wiseguy gets up and goes over to help her]

Poker Wiseguy: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’m on it, I’m on it. Which way I’m going? My way? Your way? Yeah, yeah, yeah…

Mafia Mistress: Go!

[They both push the big clock down and it crashes into the floor]


All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

Mafia Boss: Ow, stunatz! What are you doing helping her?

Poker Wiseguy: Hey, sorry boss.

Mafia Boss: My grandmother gave me that grandfather’s clock! It belonged to her grandfather!

Mafia Mistress: I don’t care about your stupid traditions!!

[She goes and steps up in the couch and grabs a picture on the wall of baseball star Joe DiMaggio]

Mafia Boss: Baby, not DiMaggio!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of actor Robert DeNiro]

Mafia Boss: Not Bobby DeNiro!!

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a photo of baseball player Jason Giambi]

Mafia Boss: Not Jason Giam— oh, yeah you can smash that one.

[She throws it to the floor. Crash!]

All in the club: WHOOOA!!!

[She grabs a picture of singer/actor Frank Sinatra and every wiseguy takes out his gun and points it at her, guns cocking]

Mafia Boss: Baby, I beg of you…do not smash that picture. I’ll do whatever you want.

Mafia Mistress: Dinner?

Mafia Boss: Sure.

Mafia Mistress: Dancing?

Mafia Boss: Why not?

Mafia Mistress: In public?

Mafia Boss: You got it. Come down here.

[She comes down and hugs the Mafia Boss, all guns are put away]

Mafia Boss: All right. Let’s go.

[Mafia Mistress turns over a table before leaving with the Mafia Boss]

Cappuccino Wiseguy: I got to say, they are getting along better these days, huh?

Poker Wiseguy: Absolutely.

[Wiseguys agree]

[cheers and applause]


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts