SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Celebrity Jeopardy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Celebrity Jeopardy

Alex Trebek…..Will Ferrell
Sean Connery…..Darrell Hammond
Sharon Osborne…..Amy Poehler
Bill Cosby…..Kenan Thompson

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to celebrity jeopardy. We’ve got a real barnburner on our hands here. In second place with negative 82,300 dollars is Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Look at the all the nice people in the audience. So many beautiful people ehh Jello pudding pops.

Alex Trebek: Great. In first place with negative 82,400 dollars is Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: Hello. Hello Alex, Hello Ozzy. (holds up dog) I miss you daddy. Minnie say Hello to Alex. Alex say hello to Minnie. whoa whoa whoa.

Alex Trebek: And in last place with negative 120,000 (sighs and pauses) Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Well, well, well Trebek. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a while.

Alex Trebek: Not long enough.

Sean Connery: That’s not what your mother said last night.

Alex Trebek: Okay Here are the categories for double jeopardy. (Board appears)

They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS THAT ARE RED, JAPAN US RELATIONS; I have no idea what that category is doing up there,

Sean Connery: I had relations this morning Trebek Hope we didn’t wake you. Your mother’s a screamer.

Alex Trebek: For your information my mother’s in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.

Sean Connery: Oh she was nursing it alright.

Alex Trebek: Great. Moving on, HOW MANY FINGERS AM I HOLDING UP, BLACK COMEDIANS NAMED “WHOOPI”, THE LETTER THAT COMES AFTER “B”, and finally AUTOMATIC POINTS. If you choose that category you are automatically awarded the points. Sharon Osbourne your in the lead so you can pick first. May I suggest automatic points

Sharon Osbourne: No I don’t want that one. I’ll take how many fingers am I holding up for 400 dollars Alex.

Alex Trebek: Okay. (lifts hand with three fingers) How many fingers am I holding up on this hand? (Osbourne buzzes in) Sharon Osbourne

Sharon Osbourne: How many fingers is he holding up Minnie? (lifts dog) Minnie says your holding up seven. (incorrect buzzer sounds)

Alex Trebek: No.

Sharon Osbourne: Mother F*****! (Cosby buzzes in)

Alex Trebek: Bill Cosby.

Bill Cosby: Why do the people today need to curse with their mouth. She should be setting an example for the young people. That’s why their walkin’ around with their pants hangin” off and the rap music. That is why they lie cheat and steal. (incorrect buzzer)

Alex Trebek: Fascinating Mr. Cosby. How many fingers am I holding up? (Connery buzzes in) Sean Connery

Sean Connery: I’ve got a finger for you Trebek (Connery reaches towards pants)

Alex Trebek: (turns away) please don’t cut to him.

Sean Connery: What do you think of that, Trebek HAHAHAHA

Alex Trebek: Okay that’s not a finger and you know it.

Sean Connery: (continuous laughter) Ohhh, don’t be so shocked Trebek Like you’ve never seen one before.

Alex Trebek: Lets just move on. Sharon Osbourne.

Sharon Osbourne: I’ll take the letter after B for 400 dollars Alex

Alex Trebek: The word CAT is found under this letter in the Dictionary. (Connery buzzes in). Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: I believe you’d find it in the R section.

Alex Trebek: No not In the Rs.

Sean Connery: Not in the Rs. That’s not what your mother said.

Alex Trebek: (breathes deeply with a long stair and pause) I walked right into that one. Doctor Cosby would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby: That’s Doctor William H Cosby Junior ADD whoa!!!

Alex Trebek: (looks with a strange stare) Okay. Would you like to pick a category?

Bill Cosby: No I would not.

Alex Trebek: Okay Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Ill take JAP ANUS RELATIONS for 200. (JAPAN US RELATIONS shows on screen).

Alex Trebek: (numerous double takes between Connery and the board; Connery laughing in the background) I’m sorry that’s Japan US relations. That’s just awful and you know it. Look why don’t we just go to Final Jeopardy. The category is: FIRST GREADE MATH And the question is write a math problem a first grader would know 2 plus 2, 1 plus 1, you don’t have to answer it, just write it. Write 2 plus 2 equal 12 I really don’t care. Just write any numbers in a row. (end beep) And lets see what kind of mess you’ve made of this one shall we. (at Cosby’s podium) Doctor Cosby wrote: (Cosby’s Screen) Frazzle Snazzle

Bill Cosby: That’s right I wrote down the square route of firsnazzle difornazzle.

Alex Trebek: And you wagered? (Cosby’s screen) Bleeble Blabble

Bill Cosby: correct with the flabble and the smazzle and my wife Camille.

Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Inspiring. Absolutely inspiring. Sharon Osbourne, see what you wrote (Osbournee’s screen: G(blurred)S) Oh my lord. That’s the filthiest word I’ve ever see.

Sharon Osbourne: Yes, well Minnie wrote it. Hurray!!!! (holds dog to Trebek’s face)

Alex Trebek: (taps podium) Quite frankly I don’t care what you wagered. Sean Connery Let’s see what you wrote. (Connery’s Screen) Zero plus Zero minus Zero equals Zero. I think we have a winner. Those are numbers a first grade would know that. I can’t believe it. Well that’s all the time we have.

Connery: Ohh don’t you want to see what I wagered Trebek?

Alex Trebek: Do I? You promise me its still a number?

Sean Connery: Absolutely, (pause) friend.

Alex Trebek: Sure.

(Connery’s screen: p + 0 – 0 = p)

Sean Connery: (laughs) It is a number, number two get it

Alex Trebek: Ok that’s is I quit, once and for all really goodnight.

Submitted by: Jason Lebowitz

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Will Ferrell’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
Audience Member…..Steve Higgins

Don Pardo: Ladies and gentlemen – Will Ferrell!

[ the audience erupts into applause at the mere sight of Will Ferrell ]

Will Ferrell: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yes. This is, uh, this is fantastic. Yes. Look at this. I’m just so excited to be back here at “SNL.” Uh, as you know, I was a cast member for seven years, and uh.. [ audience applauds ] Which, of course, was a thrill. But to actually get to host. I mean.. it’s unbelievable. And, uh.. I have to be honest, I thought I was gonna be a little nervous. But I’m not – thanks to you guys. I feel relaxed, I feel great. It’s great to be back here in New York City. Uh-huh. [ audience cheers ] I gotta tell you, I love this town, I really do. Especially in the spring.

[ Will grabs a microphone, rotates his body once and begins to sing ]

“On a clear day
Rise and look around you
And you’ll see who you are.”

[ Will alternately fumbles with both hands in his pocket, triggering the device that makes it look like he’s peeing his pants ]

“On a clear day
How it will astound you
That the glow of your being
Outshines every star you feel part of.

Yes, every mountain, sea and shore
You can hear, from far and near
Words you never heard before.”

[ Will steps up to a man sitting in the audience ]

Will Ferrell: Heeeey! How are you? You from out of town?

Audience Member: I’m from New Jersey.

Will Ferrell: You know, was today not a gorgeous day, huh? What do you think the temperature was today?

Audience Member: I-I.. I don’t know, really.

Will Ferrell: Well, why don’t you take a guess, what do you think? What do you think?

Audience Member: I don’t know. 70?

Will Ferrell: Nope. Take another guess. I’ll give you a hint- it’s lower than 70.

Audience Member: 65?

Will Ferrell: Almost. You’re so close. You’re so close.

Audience Member: 66?

Will Ferrell: You went the wrong way, you went the wrong way! Go lower.

Audience Member: 64.

Will Ferrell: 64! You’re right! Good job! It felt like it, too, didn’t it? Ddin’t it?

Audience Member: Yes.

Will Ferrell: Beautiful, beautiful day. Is this your wife? [ points microphone at woman in next seat ]

Woman: No.

Will Ferrell: You’re not his wife? Well, you make a lovely couple, you really do. You really do.

[ Will returns to the main stage and continues to sing ]

Will Ferrell:
“On a clear day
On a clear day
You can see forever
And ever
And ever
And ev-er-moooooore.”

[ Will looks down at his wet pants ]

Will Ferrell: Whoops! I peed my pants!

Hey, we got a great show for you – Queens of the Stone Age are here. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Going 2 C Movies

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Going 2 C Movies

Terry Funck….Chris Parnell
Vasquez Gomez Vasquez….Horatio Sanz
Levi Funderstunk….Will Ferrell

(Techno music plays)

Caption: Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

Announcer: And now Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

(Gay wannabe talk show host Terry Funck sits with ultra nerd Vasquez Gomez Vasquez both holding popcorn bags)

Terry Funck: Hi, I´m Terry Funck and here next to me is Vasquez Gomez Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Hey, that´s me! You may know me from my Public Access show “Community Access” or from my picture on the paper when I fell out that hot air balloon.

Terry Funck: And you may know me from “The Terry Funck Show”. Which is not on TV yet. (crosses fingers) And I also host 50´s karaoke at the Templeton Home for the mentally off.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: That´s where they keep the loony tunes!

Terry Funck: OK, cool it, Vasquez. On with the show. Today we have a very special guest who we rent movies from a whole bunch.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I rented “Van Helsing” so many times, they gave me these fake vampire teeth for my birthday. (puts fake fangs in) I´m Count Dracula!

Terry Funck: Hugh Jackman looked so brave in that movie.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Please welcome, the movie man, Levi Funderstunk.

(Levi is an old blond hippie with white hair, he carries a basket of VHS movie tapes)

Levi Funderstunk: Hey, who wants some free movies?

Terry Funck: I certainly do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Count me in.

Levi Funderstunk: The store switched over to DVDs so we had a blowout sale on VHS. And whatever we didn´t sale we gave away to the Templeton Home. And whatever they threw out and whatever didn´t fit in the dumpster is in this basket.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wow!

Terry Funck: Jackpot! (grabs tape) Wow, “The Life of David Gale”. Oh, ever since “K-Pax”, I love me some Spacey.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Check it out. (grabs tape) “Welcome to Mooseport” My grandma is gonna be mad at me when I piss the couch!

Levi Funderstunk: (grabs tape) Oh, “Down Periscope”. Dive, dive, dive into comedy.

Terry Funck: OK, before we go crazy cakes, lets review some movies. First up, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Oh, this is gonna be goood!

Levi Funderstunk: Now although this is the sixth movie made, its actually the third episode of the saga. The Sith—

Terry Funck: Something smells nasty.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I think is Levi´s breath. It smells like dookie.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you always say what I dare not. Somebody needs to chew some Dentyne Ice.

Levi Funderstunk: Well, actually I got an infected tooth and I just ate an egg salad panini and I smoked a cigar.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Smells like you ate an egg salad poo-nini and smoked a dookie cigar.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you are on fire today! OK, Lucas is on a man-rag about us showing a clip. So here´s our review. There are some mind blowing CGI special effects and that Hayden Christensen is so evil and sweaty.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually the role of Anakin Skywalker was first offered to Leonard Dicap but he wasn´t willing to–(gags) aaaggghhh!! Oh, you know, now I´m smelling it. Its pretty rough.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You know, I have one question? What happened to Jar-Jar Binks? Me sa-sa, think sa-sa, this movie needs sa-sa, more Jar-Jar Binks sa-sa. Ok, Lucas. I´ll give a break because I´m happy to see a whole army of Chewbbacas.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually is an army of Wookies. The Chewbbacca is simply the name of one particular Wookie.

Terry Funck: Ok, enough of this yap session. What do we all rate this movie? I give it 4 thumbs up. (graphic of 4 thumbs up) One for the CGI, one for hair design, one for Hayden Christensen and one for the fiery and spanishy Jimmy Smitts.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I give it 2 stars up. (graphic of 2 stars) One for the army of Chewbbaccas. One for Yoda played by Frank Oz, who I also think played Mini-me.

Levi Funderstunk: No, actually Mini-me is played by Verne Troyer. Frank Oz is a full-sized man who directed my favorite film of all time, “The Indian in the Cupboard”. (gags) Aaaaaghhh!!! Oh my God, I just got another whiff. I´m honestly trying to think back and remember, did I somehow smoked a dookie cigar? Because its a very specific smell.

Terry Funck: Good God, Levi! Ok, first of all, you need to have your gums irrigated, get all that cheese professionally blasted from your teeth and if that doesn´t work, set your mouth on fire.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually, come to think of it, the last cigar I smoked I found in the grass next to the dog run. (cracks himself up) It was super hard to light and halfway through smoking it, it fell apart in my hands.(laughs) You know what I´m talking about?

Terry Funck: I think so. We do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You´re the best in the biz, Levi Funderstunk!

Terry Funck: No, he´s not. Well, that´s all the time we have today. Thanks for coming on Levi and thank you all for watching. Remember to save us some seats cause we´re going 2 (sign), see (sign), you (sign) at the multiplex.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wrap party at my grandma´s house! She´s making manwiches!

Terry Funck: Ok, I got to get away from this.(points to Levi, jumps from his seat. Vasquez takes the basket with VHS videos)

Caption: Going 2 C U Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez

(cheers and applause)


Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age performs “Little Sister”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Queens of the Stone Age

Will Ferrell: Ladies and gentlemen – Queens of the Stone Age.

Queens of the Stone Age:
“Hey sister why you all alone?
I’m standing out your window
Hey little sister, can I come inside, dear?

I wanna show you all my love
I wanna be the only one
I know you like nobody ever, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.

You whisper secrets in my ear
Slowly dancing cheek to cheek
It’s such a sweet thing when you open up, baby.”

[ suddenly, Gene Frenkle enters the musical guest stage, and begins to bang his cowbell along with the band’s beats ]

Queens of the Stone Age:
“They say I’ll only do you wrong
We come together ’cause I understand
Just who you really are, baby.

Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.
Little sister can’t you find another way?
No more living life behind a shadow.”

[ instruments, including the cowbell, only until the song crescendoes. Josh Homme wraps his arm around Gene. ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Queens of the Stone Age performs “In My Head”

…..Will Ferrell
…..Queens of the Stone Age

[ Will Ferrell sits on an audience member’s lap and rubs his bald head ]

Will Ferrell: Once again – Queens of the Stone Age.

Queens of the Stone Age:
“It’s the cruelest joke to play
I’m so high, I run in place
Only a line, we separate, so.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

You’re the only thing I’ve got
And that, I can’t seem to get enough
We collide for one embrace, so.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

[ break ]

So, hurry up and wait forever
So, hurry up and wait for forever.

I keep on playing our favorite song
I turn it up while you’re gone
It’s all I got when you’re in my head
And you’re in my head, so I need it.

I need it
I need it
I need it.”

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Oracle Conclave 2005

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Oracle Conclave 2005

Written by: Liz Cackowski

Singers…..Maya Rudolph, Will Forte, Fred Armisen
James Filau…..Will Ferrell

[ open on exterior, Ramada Inn ] [ dissolve to interior, meeting room, as Singers perform a rendition of Gloria Branigan’s “Gloria” ]

Singers: “Oracle, oracle we thank you for a great year, great year, production’s really u-up, u-up, thank you, Team Oracle!”

[ James Filau, dressed in a t-shirt with the red Oracle logo and the words “Oracle Conclave 2005” ironed on the front ]

James Filau: whoo! Whoo! All right. Wow, that was really special. Thank you, Joan, Robin and Carlos. You know them as your Sales VPs at Headquarters in Torrance, California. But for tonight, they are the Oracle Singers. And we’d also like to thank the estate of Laura Branigan for the use of the song “Gloria.” Special. Welcome back. Hope you all enjoyed your Continental breakfast. Once again, I’m James Filau. Super-psyched to be hosting the Oracle Conclave for the fourth year in a row. [ a rubbing sound effect is heard as he speaks ] And that’s just — it’s kind of special to — is that me? Oh, it’s my t-shirt. My t-shirt’s rubbing. My bad. [ adjusts his mike ] Let me just — so, are we okay? Is that better? Better? All right, all right.

So, I heard that they are getting rid of interoffice e-mail here at Oracle. Yep, it seems there’s a faster way of sending information. Just tell Martha Spivey. [ he looks offscreen ] What’s that? Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. But she’s gonna be okay? [ a beat ] She’s not? Was anybody gonna bother to tell me? Unbelievable. [ sighs ] Unbelievable.

Okay, well, let’s move on to the slide show. Now, this is fun. This is gonna be good. I can’t wait to see what kind of crazy fun you guys had at Conclave 2005. [ “Eye of the Tiger” plays low in the background ] Okay, we can barely hear that. We can barely hear that. Can we get some more volume? [ volume is cranked up extra high ] Okay, now you’re just being spiteful because that’s way too loud, okay? Forget it. Whatever. Just roll the slide show. Roll the slide show.

[ pictures of the Ramada Inn and various Oracle employees with eyes blazened red flash on the screen ]

Wow. You guys really should have taken more pictures at some of the other events. You know, there’s also a little thing called red-eye reduction button on the camera. Okay. They have that now. I’m pretty sure they do. Don’t look at me like that. Well, since that slide show failed to pump anyone up, it looks like it’s my job to — get this Conclave started. Oh, that’s right. You feel it? Oracle in the house. Say, “Ho-o-o.”

All: Ho.

[ rap music pots up ]

James Filau: Yo, yo, yo! Oracle’s a business, we like to H we like — Good lord! Oh, Good lord! Can we kill the music? [ music continues ] Ah! The pain is making me angry! Can we just kill the music, please? Kill the music, you bastards! [ music stops ] What kind of shoddy-ass Conclave is this? Have you hayseeds ever heard of glow tape? Geez of Nazareth! I am not at all right! You know what? You know what? I’m not gonna do my signature rap. Nope. Nope. ‘Cause I’m not okay, all right? I am Jimmy frickin’ Filau! Okay? I opened for Hootie at the Pfizer conference! Which, by the way, was held in Hawaii. Ever heard of it? Maybe you should Google it, Oracle, okay? That’s it. I’m walking. [ Rap music begins again ] No, I’m not doing my rap. Bye bye, I’m outta here. I’m outta here, no. [ trips and falls to the floor ] Who the hell’s duffel bag is this?!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Luxury

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

The Spy

Dr. Richard Laverne…..Will Ferrell
Katherine Jaqueneau…..Maya Rudolph
Contact…..Horatio Sanz

[ a woman sits at a bar, as a man wearing an eye patch steps towards her ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Excuse me. Is this seat taken?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I join you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: No. Not at all.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ sits ] Dr. Richard Laverne.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Katherine Jaqueneau. [ they shake hands ]

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Go right ahead.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m sorry?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Do you like luxury? Do you enjoy fine things? Silks? Furs? Fine exotic woods?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I’m not sure I follow.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Let me rephrase the question: Do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Yes, I do.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I thought so. I, myself, enjoy luxury. That’s why I drive the finest motorcar in the world. “Jag-u-ar.”

Katherine Jaqueneau: I see.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I ‘m also the spokesperson for Jag-u-ar. The finest motorcar in the world. Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I like how you say that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: “Jag-U-ar.” Can I also tell you something else?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Certainly.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m also a spy for the Swiss government. Would you like to guess my codename?

Katherine Jaqueneau: Jaguar?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No. Luxury.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Shh. Not so loud. We’re not safe here. So, do you like luxury?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You already asked me that.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. I did 900 voiceovers today for Jag-u-ar. I also killed a man in an elevator.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Do you mind If I ask you a question?

Dr. Richard Laverne: I think it would only be fair.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you blind in one eye?

Dr. Richard Laverne: How did you know?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re wearing an eye patch.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Right. Do you mind If I sketch you?

Katherine Jaqueneau: You want to sketch me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Nothing would please me more.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Here?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No, back at my apartment.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Is it close?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Yes. It’s a 12-hour drive. Which, of course, feels like nothing when you’re behind the wheel of the world’s finest motorcar, Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Sure. I’ll go.

Dr. Richard Laverne: But you must make your decision quickly. We don’t have much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Did you not just hear me?

Dr. Richard Laverne: What did you say?

Katherine Jaqueneau: I said I would go with you.

Dr. Richard Laverne: There’s only one problem. I don’t know how to drive a stick. And I have no depth perception.

Katherine Jaqueneau: That’s fine.

Dr. Richard Laverne: And we will need to steal a car.

Katherine Jaqueneau: I thought you said you drove a Jaguar.

Dr. Richard Laverne: Jag-u-ar.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You need to stop saying it.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I’m sorry. I’m tired. You know, with the voiceovers and killing that guy.

Katherine Jaqueneau: You’re not really the voice of Jaguar, are you?

Dr. Richard Laverne: No… I’m not.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Are you really a spy for the Swiss government?

Dr. Richard Laverne: Quick, there’s not much time.

Katherine Jaqueneau: Shh. I’m leaving. [ she exits ] [ a heavyset steps forward and claims the woman’s seat ]

Contact: Do you like luxury?

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ eyes the man curiously ] Fine tapestries and expensive jewels?

Contact: Yes.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ removes the documents from inside his jacket ] They told me the contact would be a woman.

Contact: [ grabs the documents ] I AM a woman.

Dr. Richard Laverne: I would like nothing more than to sketch you at my apartment.

Contact: [ turns ] I don’t drive!

Dr. Richard Laverne: Neither do I.

Dr. Richard Laverne: [ they hold their stares on one another for a moment, then slowly turn their heads to face the bar straight-on ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 19

04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Weekend Update with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Steven Ainsley…..Seth Meyers

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

Well, there was panic in the nation’s capital Wednesday when a Cessnaairplane drifted into the “No-Fly Zone,” where it was intercepted by two F-16s and a Black Hawk helicopter. Man, they are really running out of ideas for “Fear Factor.”

Amy Poehler: It was announced Thursday that the Army will nowallow recruits to sign up for just fifteen months of active duty. Ifthat doesn’t work, the military will try renaming Iraq “Super Cancun”!

The Army said Tuesday that Halliburton has been awarded 72 milliondollars in performance bonuses for its work in Iraq. Halliburtonresponded to the news saying, “Hungry…Halliburton still hungry!”

Tina Fey: A judge in Hawaii has evicted a woman who was living in a lava tube in a natural park. Man, she really does not want to marry that dude. [picture of runaway bride Jennifer Wilbanks. Applause. Tina imitates Jennifer’s wide-eyed stare]

Amy Poehler: John Bolton’s U.N. nomination hit another snag thisweek when it went to the Senate without a recommendation from theForeign Relations Committee. The Committee was hesitant to support himbecause of allegations that Bolton has a history of abusingsubordinates. Here to defend Bolton is his longtime assistant, StevenAinsley.

[pan to Steven, who has a small bandage on his forehead; applause]

Steven Ainsley: Thank you. Thank you, Amy.

There have been a lot of vicious rumors swirling about John Bolton,about how John Bolton bullies subordinates, and how John Bolton screamsat people. Well, I don’t know that John Bolton. [lifts his left hand,showing that it is completely bandaged as well]

Amy Poehler: What happened to your head—

Steven Ainsley: I walked into a door.

Amy Poehler: And your wrist—

Steven Ainsley: Also a door, a revolving door, so it got me twice.

Amy Poehler: OK, Steven, OK—[reaches to pat him on the shoulder,but he nervously backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: No, just caught me off guard, oh boy. My fault,my fault.

Amy Poehler: So you’ve never seen John Bolton lose his temper?

Steven Ainsley: Look, John Bolton has an incredibly stressfuljob, people don’t understand that. I mean, I work with him andsometimes I don’t understand it. So if somebody forgets that John likes Equal instead of Sweet’N Low, what recourse does John have but to throw hot coffee in their face?

Amy Poehler: Well, that seems really harsh—

Steven Ainsley: It’s not! I have to learn. John is- John is so incredible.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, he doesn’t sound incredible.

Steven Ainsley: Well, you don’t know him like I do! I mean, he’s a sweetheart. Here is a funny story. One time I brought him the wrong kind of mustache wax, and he kicked me down a flight of stairs. Ha ha ha!

Amy Poehler: That’s not a funny story.

Steven Ainsley: It’s funny when he tells it. Oh, I probably told it wrong. Oh, I hope I didn’t tell it wrong!

Amy Poehler: No, you know what, you- you told it fine! [reachesto pat him on the shoulder once again, but John backs away and gasps] Sorry.

Steven Ainsley: In conclusion, I would just like to say: John, if you’re watching—

Amy Poehler: You know, I don’t think he’s watching.

Steven Ainsley: Oh, he’s not? Amy, help me. Help me,Amy. I can tell you’re a good person who knows what it’s like to bearound a mean, abusive bully.

Amy Poehler: What do you mean?

Tina Fey: What are you two yapping about? [cuts an apple and eats it off of a large knife]

Steven Ainsley: Nothing!

Amy Poehler: [suddenly nervous as well] Nothing.

Tina Fey: [looking offstage] Oh, wrap it up. I’m trying to watch the game over here.

[Amy and Steven lean in towards each other and whisper cries of help toeach other. Eventually, Seth breaks character. Some applause]

Steven Ainsley: Well, I think I’ve made my point. The U.N. would be lucky to have John Bolton. And Amy, this is a bus ticket, and the name of a shelter in Ohio! See you there?

Amy Poehler: [taking Steven’s papers and hiding them underneathhers] OK, thank you. Steve Ainsley, everybody. [cheers and applause asSteven darts offstage]

Tina Fey: This Monday marks the final episode of the sitcom“Everybody Loves Raymond.” Next season, CBS Monday will be anchored bythe show “Everybody Has Mixed Feelings about Charlie Sheen.”

Amy Poehler: [picture of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger of theRolling Stones] This week, the California Raisins announced plans for anew world tour. [applause]

Paula Abdul revealed this week that for the last 25 years, she’s beensuffering from the obscure disease Complex Regional Pain Syndrome,though many know it by its more common name, the crazies.

Tina Fey: A truck hauling two thousand cases of beer in Toronto,Canada flipped over Wednesday and unleashed a sea of alcohol onto thecountry’s busiest highway.

Amy Poehler: Woo-hoo! You guys, [singing] party on thehighway!

Tina Fey: Well, it’s not- it’s not really a party, just beerspilled all over the road—

Amy Poehler: Spilled beer on the road! Who’s comin’ with me?

Tina Fey: It’s- it’s not that fun! Just, like, the bottlesbroken, the beer just, you know, was in the dirt—

Amy Poehler: Yeah! I’m gonna drink beer dirt in Canada!

Tina Fey: Alright, sorry.

Amy Poehler: Party highway!

Tina Fey: It’s not a party!

Amy Poehler: [pauses] If you come, it’s a party!

Tina Fey: Alright, I’ll go. But this is the last time that Isuck beer out of dirt with you. [some applause]

Despite consumers saying they want healthier options at fast foodrestaurants, the most popular items on the menus are the newhigh-calorie, high-fat items, like Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger, Burger King’s Enormous Omelet Sandwich, and Wendy’s Diabetes Explosion.[applause] I kinda want that. I kinda wanna eat it.

Amy Poehler: Yum!

Tina Fey: A small town in Brazil declared this past Monday Orgasm Day. [some cheering] I think, uh, that came early this year.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: Did you, uh, did you celebrate Orgasm Day?

Amy Poehler: Uh, I pretended to.

Tina Fey: Maxim magazine released its annual “Hot 100”list with Eva Longoria at number one, followed by Jennifer Garner andLindsay Lohan, while I, once again placed between Bonnie Hunt and JoyBehar. [applause] Thanks.

Amy Poehler: U.S. lawmakers in Wednesday subpoenaed manufacturers of The Whizzinator to investigate the legality of the device that is a fake penis that can provide a flow of clean urine. Or in my case, Chardonnay.

That’s how I do it!

Tina Fey: So you suck beer out of dirt… and you drink wine out of a penis.

Amy Poehler: And I use a fake penis to drink my Chardonnay, right.

Tina Fey: Things are- things are going really well for you.

Amy Poehler: Going great! [applause]

Tina Fey: A new chili sauce called 16 Million Reserve is hittingthe market this week, and it is thirty times more potent than thespiciest pepper, and eight thousand times fierier than Tabasco, thoughstill not as spicy as Pat O’ Brien’s new I’m So F-ing Hot For You HotSauce. [applause; Tina impersonates Pat O’ Brien] The only hot saucethat wants to go crazy on you! Let’s get a grill and some Cokes andjust go crazy! I’m gonna eat your sandwich!

Amy Poehler: Nick Nolte said that despite being invited to theWhite House by numerous presidents, he would not go, because he is afelon, and the President should not be with criminals. He added, “Plus, I’ve never been invited to the White House.”

An outbreak of chlamydia at the San Francisco Zoo has killed twelvepenguins. Officials believe the outbreak was either caused by aninfected pigeon, or by Ken, the newly-single giraffe.

For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[cheers and applause as Tina and Amy arm wrestle; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan



HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.



Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.


WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.


New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.


The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.


Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).


Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Bear City

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Bear City

Announcer…..Fred Willard

[ open on meteor crashing into the earth and exploding ]

Announcer: When a meteor hit outside the city of Centerville, a mysterious cloud released a chemical that enabled bears to evolve and fill the void left by humans.

[ bear waving his fist in the forest morphs into a pajama-clad bear standing in his bedroom, scratching his back with a backscratcher ]

Announcer: And within two weeks, they had established.. Bear City.

[ worker bears dressed in business clothes wnder the area outside an office building ] [ dissolve up “Bear City” title card ]

“Bear City
Bear, Bear City.”

[ show bears as they now exist on earth – bears watering their lawns, bears stepping out of an elevator, bears sharing a smoke, bear reading a newspaper ]

Announcer: Although they couldn’t talk, they went about their lives just like man had done.

[ show a smiling boy and girl standing in the park ] [ SUPER: “Rex Banter” over boy, “Cynthia Davis” over girl ]

Announcer: The only humans left in Bear City were two brave children. And they were quickly eaten. By bears.

[ a circle of bears surround the boy and girl and climb on top of them ] [ show bears walking their dogs, then show other bears walking up the sidewalk ]

Announcer: Tonight: “Mom’s Going Shopping.”

[ dissolve to black, dissolve up on Mom Bear’s shopping list: “Honey, Nuts, Berries, Salmon, Whiskey.” ] [ deadbeat teenaged bear son sits on couch playing video games. Mom Bear growls at him as she lays her list on the couch and bends down to pick up her purse. Teeanged bear growls back, as Mom Bear exits the house sans shopping list. He them jumps to his feet and peeks out the window to spy Mom Bear entering her car. Satisfied that Mom Bear is laving the house, teenaged bear reaches into the video cabinet, and inserts a videotape labeled “Honey Lappers” into the VCR. ] [ the action in the video is hot, asa pair of bear cheerleaders struggle to undress one another as they kneel on a bed. A pizza delivery bear wanders aimlessly into the doorway. The cheerleader bears notice him, and wave him further into the room. The pizza delivery bear happily saunters closer. ] [ cut to outside, where Mom Bear sits in her car and suddenly realizes that she forgot her shopping list in the house. Teenaged bear is enjoying the video, unaware that Mom Bear’s shopping list is right behind his head on the couch. His head is bobbing up and down. Mom Bear enters the house. On the video, the pizza delivery bear is spanking both cheerleadersat once. Mom enters the room horrified, growling as she covers her eyes. Teeanged bear jumps up, embarrassed, as he clutches his drooped pants and quickly turns off the TV and stumbles out of the room. ] [ dissolve out, dissolve up on sitting Bear holding a highball and toasting it toward the viewing audience ]

Announcer: Thanks for visiting Bear City.

[ dissolve to card: “Written and Directed by T. Sean Shannon” ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts