SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/14/05: Going 2 C Movies



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 19




04s: Will Ferrell / Queens of the Stone Age

Going 2 C Movies

Terry Funck….Chris Parnell
Vasquez Gomez Vasquez….Horatio Sanz
Levi Funderstunk….Will Ferrell

(Techno music plays)

Caption: Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

Announcer: And now Going 2 C Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez.

(Gay wannabe talk show host Terry Funck sits with ultra nerd Vasquez Gomez Vasquez both holding popcorn bags)

Terry Funck: Hi, I´m Terry Funck and here next to me is Vasquez Gomez Vasquez.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Hey, that´s me! You may know me from my Public Access show “Community Access” or from my picture on the paper when I fell out that hot air balloon.

Terry Funck: And you may know me from “The Terry Funck Show”. Which is not on TV yet. (crosses fingers) And I also host 50´s karaoke at the Templeton Home for the mentally off.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: That´s where they keep the loony tunes!

Terry Funck: OK, cool it, Vasquez. On with the show. Today we have a very special guest who we rent movies from a whole bunch.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I rented “Van Helsing” so many times, they gave me these fake vampire teeth for my birthday. (puts fake fangs in) I´m Count Dracula!

Terry Funck: Hugh Jackman looked so brave in that movie.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Please welcome, the movie man, Levi Funderstunk.

(Levi is an old blond hippie with white hair, he carries a basket of VHS movie tapes)

Levi Funderstunk: Hey, who wants some free movies?

Terry Funck: I certainly do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Count me in.

Levi Funderstunk: The store switched over to DVDs so we had a blowout sale on VHS. And whatever we didn´t sale we gave away to the Templeton Home. And whatever they threw out and whatever didn´t fit in the dumpster is in this basket.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wow!

Terry Funck: Jackpot! (grabs tape) Wow, “The Life of David Gale”. Oh, ever since “K-Pax”, I love me some Spacey.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Check it out. (grabs tape) “Welcome to Mooseport” My grandma is gonna be mad at me when I piss the couch!

Levi Funderstunk: (grabs tape) Oh, “Down Periscope”. Dive, dive, dive into comedy.

Terry Funck: OK, before we go crazy cakes, lets review some movies. First up, “Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith”

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Oh, this is gonna be goood!

Levi Funderstunk: Now although this is the sixth movie made, its actually the third episode of the saga. The Sith—

Terry Funck: Something smells nasty.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I think is Levi´s breath. It smells like dookie.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you always say what I dare not. Somebody needs to chew some Dentyne Ice.

Levi Funderstunk: Well, actually I got an infected tooth and I just ate an egg salad panini and I smoked a cigar.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Smells like you ate an egg salad poo-nini and smoked a dookie cigar.

Terry Funck: Vasquez, you are on fire today! OK, Lucas is on a man-rag about us showing a clip. So here´s our review. There are some mind blowing CGI special effects and that Hayden Christensen is so evil and sweaty.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually the role of Anakin Skywalker was first offered to Leonard Dicap but he wasn´t willing to–(gags) aaaggghhh!! Oh, you know, now I´m smelling it. Its pretty rough.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You know, I have one question? What happened to Jar-Jar Binks? Me sa-sa, think sa-sa, this movie needs sa-sa, more Jar-Jar Binks sa-sa. Ok, Lucas. I´ll give a break because I´m happy to see a whole army of Chewbbacas.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually is an army of Wookies. The Chewbbacca is simply the name of one particular Wookie.

Terry Funck: Ok, enough of this yap session. What do we all rate this movie? I give it 4 thumbs up. (graphic of 4 thumbs up) One for the CGI, one for hair design, one for Hayden Christensen and one for the fiery and spanishy Jimmy Smitts.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: I give it 2 stars up. (graphic of 2 stars) One for the army of Chewbbaccas. One for Yoda played by Frank Oz, who I also think played Mini-me.

Levi Funderstunk: No, actually Mini-me is played by Verne Troyer. Frank Oz is a full-sized man who directed my favorite film of all time, “The Indian in the Cupboard”. (gags) Aaaaaghhh!!! Oh my God, I just got another whiff. I´m honestly trying to think back and remember, did I somehow smoked a dookie cigar? Because its a very specific smell.

Terry Funck: Good God, Levi! Ok, first of all, you need to have your gums irrigated, get all that cheese professionally blasted from your teeth and if that doesn´t work, set your mouth on fire.

Levi Funderstunk: Actually, come to think of it, the last cigar I smoked I found in the grass next to the dog run. (cracks himself up) It was super hard to light and halfway through smoking it, it fell apart in my hands.(laughs) You know what I´m talking about?

Terry Funck: I think so. We do.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: You´re the best in the biz, Levi Funderstunk!

Terry Funck: No, he´s not. Well, that´s all the time we have today. Thanks for coming on Levi and thank you all for watching. Remember to save us some seats cause we´re going 2 (sign), see (sign), you (sign) at the multiplex.

Vasquez Gomez Vasquez: Wrap party at my grandma´s house! She´s making manwiches!

Terry Funck: Ok, I got to get away from this.(points to Levi, jumps from his seat. Vasquez takes the basket with VHS videos)

Caption: Going 2 C U Movies with Terry Funck and Vasquez

(cheers and applause)

(fade)

Submitted by: Waldo San Miguel

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05: Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 30: Episode 20





04t: Lindsay Lohan / Coldplay

Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy Poehler

…..Amy Poehler
…..Tina Fey
Chris Cox-Sanz…..Rachel Dratch
Danni Sanz-Cox…..Maya Rudolph
Rev. Al Sharpton…..Kenan Thompson
President Vicente Fox…..Fred Armisen

Announcer: From Studio 8H in Rockefeller Center, it’s “WeekendUpdate” with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler!

[cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: Hi, I’m Amy Poehler

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey, and here are tonight’s top stories:

[pulls out a copy of the New York Post from underneath the deskwhile humming the first notes of “Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll”] This week,the London Sun and the New York Post published photos ofSaddam Hussein in his underpants, and yes, I guess the imperial carpetdoes match the drapes.

Here’s the only other joke we have for this: Man, Antonio Sabato, Jr.has really let himself go!

Back to you, Amy.

Amy Poehler: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice made a surprisetrip to Iraq Sunday. Also surprised to be in Iraq on Sunday: thousandsof U.S. troops who were supposed to be home by Christmas. [applause]

Tina Fey: Donald Trump’s elected Kendra Todd as his first female“Apprentice” during Thursday night’s season finale, although some feltthe “prize jobs” offered to her were a little bit sexist. Todd had thechoice of working at the Miss Universe pageant, redecorating Trump’sPalm Beach mansion, or being head of marketing for his new, Super JumboTrumpons. [applause; Tina imitates The Donald] They’re huge… the hugesttampons in the world! They’re huge.

Amy Poehler: Mary Kay Letourneau and her former student, ViliFualaau, were married Thursday night. According to witnesses, she woreVera Wang, while he wore Spider-Man. [applause]

Tina Fey: This week marks the one-year anniversary of legalizedgay marriage in the state of Massachusetts. Over a thousand same-sexcouples were married there in the past year. Here to talk about theirfirst year as a legally-married couple are Mr. Chris Cox-Sanz and Mr.Danni Sanz-Cox.

[pan to Chris and Danny, who are both female; applause]

Chris Cox-Sanz: Thanks. Thanks for having us, Tina and Amy. Please call us “Mrs.” and “Mrs.”

Tina Fey: Oh, ladies, my sincere apologies, I- I- I’m sorry. I-I had mistakenly thought that you were a male couple because I had onlyseen your names… and a photograph of you.

Chris Cox-Sanz: No sweat, happens all the time.

Tina Fey: So how has your first year of marriage been?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Oh, it’s been everything we dreamed of, Tina. Last May we had a beautiful ceremony with fifty of our closest familyand friends, and five of our closest cats and pit bulls.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Mmm. It was a beautiful day.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Mmm. Danni and I wore matching Donna Karen blazers.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Right. [Their wedding photo is shown, and theyappear like two men]

Amy Poehler: Tina, is- is that the picture that threw you?

Tina Fey: Yes.

Amy Poehler: Yeah, understandable.

Tina Fey: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: We finally feel like we’re part of society, Tina, like we’re a regular, married couple.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah. Just the other night, I was saying“Dammit, Chris where’d you put the checkbook?” and Chris was, like, “Idon’t know. Why don’t you look under that big-ass pile of Oprahmagazines you need to keep so frickin’ badly.” And then I pretended tobe asleep so we didn’t have to have sex. [they smile at each other]

Amy Poehler: Sounds like a real marriage.

Tina Fey: Yeah, that’s a real marriage.

Amy Poehler: Yeah.

Tina Fey: So what do you guys say to conservative groups likeFocus on the Family, who claim that marriage is only for men and women?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, no doubt, Tina, the heterosexual communityhas perfected marriage.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Presley.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Maureen and Bill O’ Reilly.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Bill and Hilary Clinton.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yeah. Obviously, that was more of what God hadin mind.

Danni Sanz-Cox: Yeah.

Chris Cox-Sanz: But we’re just grateful for the chance to try. Happy anniversary, babe. [kisses Danni on the cheek]

Danni Sanz-Cox: Thanks… Did you brush your teeth after dinner?

Chris Cox-Sanz: Yes!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, your breath smells like baba ghanoush.

Chris Cox-Sanz: Well, thanks for saying it on TV!

Danni Sanz-Cox: Well, I’d want you to tell me!

Chris Cox-Sanz: Fine. You need to clip your nose hairs.

Tina Fey: Oh boy. Genuine married couple Chris and DanniCox-Sanz-Cox, everybody! [applause]

Amy Poehler: A large number of Star Wars fans in New Yorkposted messages on Craiglist, looking for dates to the movie’s openingnight. Said one dateless Star Wars fan, [imitating Yoda] “Pickyou up at eight, my mother will?” [frowns] That’s my Yoda impression.

Tina Fey: To show that his energy bill is about more thandrilling for oil in Alaska, this week President Bush visited a plant inVirginia that turns soybeans into a clean-burning diesel fuel, which the President hopes one day will be used to power oil-drilling machines in Alaska. [applause]

Chase Bank on Thursday announced plans to launch a new credit card thatusers can simply hold near a terminal instead of manually swiping it, in order to vastly increase the speed at which their identity is stolen.

Amy Poehler: The principal of an elementary school in New Mexicokissed a frog as part of a promise she made to her students if they mettheir reading goal. But then she let the frog get to second base, which was not cool.

Tina Fey: Oscar win– Oscar winner Jamie Foxx will tape a musical special for NBC next season. People who’ve seen the special said, “O-oh!”—

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!” [to the tune of Ray Charles’ “What’d I Say”]

Tina Fey: “O-oh!”

Amy Poehler: “O-oh!”

Tina Fey: “Uhh.”

Amy Poehler: “Uhh.”

Tina Fey: “Uhnn.”

Amy Poehler: “No.”

Tina Fey: “Ugh.”

Amy Poehler: “Ugh.” [both shake their heads in disgust; applause]

Tina Fey: Six Flags Amusement Park has added a disclaimer to itstickets, saying that it will refuse entry to convicted sex offenders. Which is great, but who’s gonna operate the rides?? [some applause]

Amy Poehler: A new book, called The Case of the FemaleOrgasm, argues that the female orgasm has no evolutionary function. Regardless, the book is a real departure for the Hardy Boys. [pictureof the book’s fake cover, featuring the Hardy Boys examining evidence]They’re looking for it…

A number of video game makers are hoping that the same large audiencethat enjoys Christian pop music will also like Christian-themed videogames, such as Spiritual Warfare, Exodus: Journey to the Promised Land,and Super Jesuit Brothers.

Tina Fey: An English man’s leg was saved after his Jack Russellterrier started licking it, which helped to prevent the leg frombecoming gangrenous. Afterwards, the dog went back to trying to savehis own balls. [cheers and applause]

Amy Poehler: A deer that got caught in a Wal-Mart in,uh—[stumbles, then restarts the joke] A deer that wandered into aWal-Mart in Norfolk, Nebraska, was tackled by a customer and then pushed back outside. City officials aren’t sure if the deer wandered in, or whether the Wal-Mart was built around it. [little reaction fromaudience; Amy clearly appears annoyed at her poor delivery] Aww, thatwas my last joke!

Tina Fey: You’ll think about that joke all summer.

Amy Poehler: I know!

Tina Fey: This week, Al Sharpton announced he would be travelingto Mexico to seek a formal apology from Mexican President Vicente Foxfor saying Mexicans take jobs that “not even blacks would do.” Now, weat “Weekend Update” simply do not have the patience to wait for thatmeeting, so we have brought both parties together tonight to resolve the issue. Please welcome Vicente Fox and Al Sharpton.

[pan to President Fox and Rev. Sharpton; applause]

Rev. Al Sharpton: Tina, I am outraged. To suggest that blackpeople in this country are only fit for the lowest pay and mostdemeaning work is an insult. Mr. Fox has still not apologized for thisunequivocal insult, and I will not let this issue go away until he does.

President Vicente Fox: I can assure you, Mr. Sharpton, my choiceof words was unfortunate. I was in no way wishing to cause insult toyou, or to the blacks of America. I have the highest regard forblacks, and for what I have said I am very, very sorry.

Rev. Al Sharpton: Apology accepted. [the two men shake hands]

President Vicente Fox: I have never for one minute thought thatthe difference between a black guy and a pizza, is that a pizza can feed a family of four. This offends me!

Rev. Al Sharpton: [stares at the President for a moment] Again, I accept your apology, and I feel that this matter is resolved.

President Vicente Fox: I, too, feel the matter is resolved. I am not a racist.

Rev. Al Sharpton: And I am glad to hear you say that. I mustsay, not being a racist myself, I have never believed a Mexican and acue ball are the same, just because the harder you hit them, the moreEnglish they pick up. [some applause]

President Vicente Fox: Then we are simpático.

Rev. Al Sharpton: I am very glad to hear you say that, and foryour apology, I applaud your courage. And as a sign of my appreciation, I brought you some luggage. [places two paper bags on the desk]

President Vicente Fox: Luggage for me, yes.

Tina Fey: Come on, now, both of you, just stop it, OK? Stop it. Can’t we all just get along, please?

Amy Poehler: Yeah… Oh, I got one!

A black guy and a Mexican guy are in a car. Who’s driving?

Tina Fey: I don’t know. [both President Fox and Rev. Sharptonshake their heads, puzzled]

Amy Poehler: A cop! [applause; all four share a hearty laugh]

Tina Fey: Oh, wonderful!

President Vicente Fox: You know, my old friend—[puts his hand onRev. Sharpton’s shoulder] if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then who canwe laugh at?

Rev. Al Sharpton: [brief pause] The Chinese? [the two laugh onceagain]

Tina Fey: President Fox and Al Sharpton, everyone! [cheers andapplause]

Amy Poehler: For “Weekend Update,” I’m Amy Poehler.

Tina Fey: I’m Tina Fey. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

[more applause as Tina and Amy hug; fade]

Submitted by: Michael C. Arroyo

SNL Transcripts