SNL Transcripts: Johnny Knoxville: 05/07/05: Action News

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 18

04r: Johnny Knoxville / System of a Down

Action News

Hunt Linear…..Johnny Knoxville
Jennifer Tuttle…..Amy Poehler
Gifford McGill…..Will Forte
Albert Jarmon…..Rob Riggle
Dr. Courtney Phelps…..Maya Rufolph
Stuart Tisdale…..Fred Armisen
Craig Balderston…..Kenan Thompson
Evan Martin…..Darrell Hammond
Anne Hasenzahl…..Rachel Dratch
Ernesto Diaz…..Horatio Sanz
Deborah Shea…..Tina Fey
Gary Stevens…..Seth Meyers
Elliot Winslow…..Finesse Mitchell
Jim Sizemore…..Chris Parnell
Andrew Donnely…..Jason Sudeikis

[ open on Hunt and Jennifer sitting at the news desk ]

Announcer: And now – Action News. With Hunt Linear and Jennifer Tuttle. And the award-winning Action News team.

[ cut to Gifford McGill, pounding his fist into a basebal mitt as he turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: Gifford McGill, with Sports.

[ cut to Albert Jarmon, holding aclosed umbrella and smiling to the camera as he pretends to hold his hand out to check for rain ]

Announcer: Albert Jarmon, with the weather.

[ cut to Dr. Courtney Phelps, clinging onto her stethoscope as she turns to give a wide smile to the camera ]

Announcer: And Dr. Courtney Phelps, with the health watch.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer shuffling their papers at the news desk ]

Announcer: And..

[ cut to Stuart Tisdale munching on a bag of popcorn ]

Announcer: A movie review, from Stuart Tisdale.

[ cut to Craig Balderston crunching numbers on an adding machine ]

Announcer: Craig Balderston, the Market Watch.

[ cut to Evan Martin repairing the back of a giant robot and smiling for the camera ]

Announcer: Evan Martin’s Technology Report.

[ cut to Anne Hasenzahl holding up a dress and grinning at the camera ]

Announcer: Anne Hasenzahl, with the “Fashion Forecast.”

[ cut to sunglasses-clad Ernesto Diaz, who turns to smile at the camera and wave a Puerto Rican flag ]

Announcer: Ernesto Diaz, with a Puerto Rican round-up.

[ cut to Deborah Shea, holding up a lit birthday cake as she smiles at the camera ]

Announcer: Deborah Shea, with celebrity birthdays.

[ cut to Gary Stevens, holding a monkey against his chest and a parakeet cage in his left hand ]

Announcer: Gary Stevens, with parakeets and monkeys.

[ cut to Elliot Winslow, displaying a tray of gourmet food ]

Announcer: Elliot Winslow, the Budget Gourmet.

[ cut to demented-looking Jim Sizemore, holding a can of gasoline in one hand and a burnt clock in the other hand ]

Announcer: Jim Sizemore, with I’m Going to Burn Down A Clock Factory.

[ cut to bow tie-clad c, looking smart and stately as he glances at thecamera ]

Announcer: And Andrew Donnely, with a Washington Report.

[ cut back to Hunt and Jennifer at the news desk ]

Hunt Linear: Good evening. I’m Hunt Linear. Tonight’s top story: a three-alarm fire rages through the Oakwood Street clock factory. This is the fourth clock factory that’s burned down this month, and police say they’re finally closing in on the arsonist. I say.. it’s about time! [ chuckles profusely ] [ Jennifer Tuttle laughs along with Hunt Linear ] [ Gifford McGill also laughs ] [ Albert Jarmon also laughs ]

Dr. Courtney Phelps: [ wiping back a tear ] Good one!

[ Stuart Tisdale claps his hands as he laughs ] [ Craig Balderston pounds the desk as he laughs ] “It’s about time!”

[ Evan Martin taps his wrench to his forehead as he chuckles ] [ Anne Hasenzahl makes a delayed laugh ] [ Ernesto Diaz still waving his flag ] Ha ha ha! That’s funny!

[ Deborah Shea makes a loud, monkey-like laugh ] [ Gary Stevens laughs as he looks up and down at his monkey ] [ Elliot Winslow snorts as he laughs ] [ Jim Sizemore laughs maniacally as he sits in front of “I’m Going To Burn Down A Clock Factory” graphic ] [ Andrew Donnely purses his lips in fear as he realizes Jim Sizemore is obviously the perpetrator, but gives in and laughs politely anyway ]

Hunt Linear: Oh my! We have to break for a commercial.

Jennifer Tuttle: Yes.

Hunt Linear: But, when we return, a live report from the burning clock factory from our Action News field team ] [ each team member graphic slides onto the screen, overlapping one another ]

Announcer: Phyllis Stevenson and Arnie Subolski. And Randall Trent. And Alice Kendricks. And Melissa Boone. And Davis Chapnow. And Frankie Rodriguez. And Alexander Cantrell. And..

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 05/21/05


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 30: Episode 20

This free script provided by]]>

Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


May 21st, 2005

Lindsay Lohan



HardballSummary: The topic is the Newsweek retraction fallout, as Chris Matthews (Darrell Hammond) discusses the Saddam Hussein underwear photos with Michael Isikoff (Chris Parnell), Condoleeza Rice (Maya Rudolph) and Zell Miller (Will Forte).

Recurring Characters: Chris Matthews, Condoleeza Rice, Zell Miller.



Lindsay Lohan’s MonologueSummary: With her hair newly dyed blonde, Lindsay Lohan is the definition of a party girl. But the sudden appearance of the Ghost of Lindsay Future (Amy Poehler), haggard from years of partying, begs her to reconsider this new image.

First Hosted: 03r.


WoombaSummary: The self-operating electronic feminine hygeine product that knows best when a woman should be using it.

Note: Repeat from 12/18/04.

America’s Next Top ModelSummary: One-legged Amber (Amy Poehler) competes with a naive mutant girl (Rachel Dratch) and an attractive beauty with low self-esteem (Lindsay Lohan) in the hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model. The event is sponsored by a commercial for new reality series, “Chaotic”, starring Britney Spears (Amy Poehler) and Kevin Federline (Seth Meyers).

Recurring Characters: Amber, Britney Spears, Kevin Federline.


New Park CinemaSummary: “Star Wars” nerds (Seth Meyers, Lindsay Lohan, Rob Riggle, Will Forte, Fred Armisen) sit in on “Monster-In-Law” when the tickets they’d hoped for are sold out.

TV FunhouseSummary: Rob Smigel presents “Divertor”, the Republican superhero who diverts attention from GOP snafus by sabotaging the public lives of minor-league celebrities.

Appalachian Emergency RoomSummary: More hillbilly hijinks in the Appalachian Emergency Room, including a would-be cheerleader (Lindsay Lohan) inquiring about job openings.

Recurring Characters: Receptionist, Tyler.

Coldplay performs “Speed of Sound”First Performed: 00p.


Weekend Update with Tina Fey & Amy PoehlerSummary: Lesbians Chris Cox-Sanz (Rachel Dratch) and Danni Sanz-Cox (Maya Rudolph) recount their first year as a married couple. Vicente Fox (Fred Armisen) apologizes to Rev. Al Sharpton (Kenan Thompson) for making a racist statement, then the two make light of the issue.

Recurring Characters: Rev. Al Sharpton.


The Prince ShowSummary: Prince (Fred Armisen) ignores Nick Lachey (Will Forte), makes Jessica Simpson (Lindsay Lohan) play a harp on a cloud, laughs at stand-up from Wanda Sykes (Kenan Thompson), and has an allergy attack.

Recurring Characters: Prince, Beyonce, Jessica Simpson.

Little ItalySummary: Upset that her mafia boyfriend (Horatio Sanz) is fooling aroud behind her back, an Italian women (Lindsay Lohan) crashes his gangster pad and proceeds to trash the place.


Coldplay performs “Fix You”Lyrics

The BabysitterSummary: Mr. Voinic (Chris Parnell) drives the babysitter (Lindsay Lohan) home, then hits on her while making rude comments about his wife (Maya Rudolph).


Bear CitySummary: In T. Sean Shannon’s latest visit to Bear City, a teenaged bear sneaks a look at bear porn while his mom goes shopping. Unfortunately, she forgets her grocery list on the counter and walks into an embrassing situation.




Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Sublet ApartmentSummary: A man (Jason Sudeikis) sublets his apartment to an attractive woman (Lindsay Lohan).

Long Train Runnin’Summary: Lead singer (Lindsay Lohan) introduces the members of her band by saying mean things about them.

BreadSummary: An advertisement for bread.

LeviticusSummary: Street prophet Leviticus (Rob Riggle) tries to save a family’s souls while they eat at a diner.

RobotSummary: A scientist (Chris Parnell) unveils his robot.

Bear CitySummary: The bears suddenly find themselves in competition with the occupants of Rabbit Town.

SNL Transcripts